Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Things I can and cant control

It is officially Wednesday. This has become the ultimate hump day for me, since it is my longest day of classes. I was in the law school from 9am till 8:50pm last night. Fun times. And I am still (slightly) behind in one class. But nevertheless. I got home and Adam is settling in. Things are still working out great. I made a fajita burrito, had some espresso vodka, and went to bed. My life is lame.

Talked to Carey last night. She is doing okay. I dont know that she is getting as much help adjusting as I got at Marquette. She seems to be making the classic mistake of clinging to hard to her friends in MI. She'll be fine.

Talked to Dad this morning. Grandpa Thomas has cancer all over. No ideas what that means at the morning, he could have days, he could have years. My point to Dad was that the spots pointed out didnt seem to be vital organs (skin, colon, brain lining), so maybe he can last a while before it starts really killing him. Apparently, at this point Grandpa feels fine. I suppose that I am just clinging to any hope that I can grasp at. Part of this makes me feel worse because I have let such a distance grow between Grandpa T. and I. If it was Grandpa E, at least I would know that he knows how much I enjoy him, and how much he means to me. I am not even sure how strongly I feel about that with Grandpa T.

This sucks. I feel worse for Mae-Mae and Aunt Lise than anything else. I guess I just figured that since God took Mom so early, the rest of our family could stay intact indefinitely. This sucks.

Monday, August 29, 2005

banks and bus schedules

Today was my first day of class. It was fine. Just fine. I am not yet intimidated. One class was brutally boring. That may be a problem. I sit with some good people though. I am surrounded by students I hung out with during the orientation. Truly though, a majority of my day was spent taking care of the little details that just seem to creep up on you. I had to go to three banks (open an accoun, close an account >>Good riddence USBank<<, and cancel/order some checks. Meanwhile I had to deal with insurance stuff for my eye appointment, another trip to Target, various University business... Biggest thing was meeting with Sara from the Minnesota Justice Foundation. She hooked me up with the Chrysalis placement working with domestic abuse victims. She is totally cool. Very exuberant, and into her work. She made her comfort with GLBT issues so apparent that I came out to her by the end of the meeting. It just wasnt even an issue. She was like the ideal for an employee dealing with these issues. Anyway, there is some concern that I might not be right for the placement because I am a middle-class white male, but Sara is confident in me, so I will be too. Besides, I just have a feeling about this place. Other than that, I have been procratinating hard-core about tomorrow's assignments. Partially I think that i am just in denial. If I can just make it to this weekend... Probably not the right mindset to have for three years.

Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.

Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Entry for May 29, 2005

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. A little scary really, in that I am already behind in my homework. Yuck. Dad has been here since Friday afternoon, and it has been really nice just to chill with him. We haven’t had anything phenomenally big to do, so we have just been cruising around town, having him stretch his knee and me getting to know the city little by little (like all the one-way and restricted streets downtown).

I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:

May 28, 2005

“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:

Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul

Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord

Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)

Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.

And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.

I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.

There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”


As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.

What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.

Friday, August 26, 2005

154 nervous law students

Today is the official law school orientation. I have about 15 minutes to write, so this may be short. I barely made it to the program in time (literally one of the last to walk in) and we heard speeches from the dean, one of my future profs, and another guy (memorable, huh?). Not altogether boring.

Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.

I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.

Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.

Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Hand pressed against the wall

Had a heck of a time getting out of bed this morning. When I did I became obsenely productive, baking cookies for my neighbors (a "get-to-know-you" attempt that really comes more from me wanting to splice into an internet connection) and hanging pictures and organizing what is left in the boxes in my bedroom. Now I am sitting in the Law School computer lab tinkering before class in 20 minutes. Of course, I just discovered that I left my materials for class at home. Grrr. Oh well. I would go and get them, but I am just too lazy.

Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.

I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.

Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)

Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Goodbye Lesbians, Goodbye love

Here I be.

It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.

The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.

Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.

It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

im such a psycho

He just called. Aparently he was violently ill yesterday, and so that was why things turned out the way they did. He is thinking he may be developing an ulcer or something... But just talkign to him made me feel so much better about the whole thing. He said that thinking of seeing me tonight is just about the only thing that will get him through the day. This is the stuff, the side of him, that I need to see more of, because it friggin melts me when he is like that. It makes me regret freakin out about all this little stuff. Remember why I love him. Anyway... this is going to be okay.

Drink till you cant feel feelings

The word of the day is hangover.

Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.

I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.

Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?

At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I dont orgasm enough? You're telling me!

Okay. I am frusterated. Sexually. And grumpy. Perhaps tired too. I will probably delete this post tomorrow. But I am in a real funk with (Mitchell). It has been forever since he has expressed any sexual desire towards me, and I feel like my advances (and there are many) are constantly being turned down. What the fuck does this take?

At this point, it is Wednesday, and I have been with him straight since Saturday (when we did have sex... but only because I took a taxi to see him after he was too tired to meet me out... this is what I am talking about). Am I a horn-ball because I am 23? Perhaps. But it would help if he just showed SOME interest. I am not ready to go to the sleeping-buddy relationship this early in a relationship. He told me this whole porn thing last night that got me all revved up. About how the ONE night I had to work he had a giant libido. Oh, and another porn thing. We get home, and nothing. In fact he wouldnt even show me the one thing he was flaunting in my face at the bar. I dont get it. I feel like I am being played with.

Christina is in town for a couple days, and she and I came to the conclusion that he obviously needs to want me more. I derive that I need to spend fewer nights in his bed. Now, this is a shitty conclusion to come to 9 days before I move away from him, but at this point I am not getting any anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have been enjoying the easy escape from my apartment and the drama that comes with it by staying over-much at (Mitchell's).

We had our first tiff on Friday about me feeling like I was the only one who was showing any passion for the relationship. It really was more about emotion, but I guess that it also extends to sexual passion. I want to be with someone who wants me. I woke up this morning alone in his bed (this was after he passed out immediately last night after I DDed back from Madison). At first I imagined that he was making me breakfast or something sweet like that. No beans. He didnt feel well. Okay, I can be the good, understanding boyfriend about that... Fair enough... But when do I see the "good boyfriend" in return?

I have never had this become an issue in my past relationships. The sex was always just there. I never had to feel like I was fighting against lesbian bed-death. Maybe it's because I am NOT A LESBIAN! I am a 23-year-old gay male. One who is used to being appreciated for his looks, (dont ask me when was the last time he complimented me on something... the answer might be: never) (I got a hair cut yesterday... not one word from him... come ON! even my straight friends say the "nice haircut" thing... nothing) (aniversary #2) (normally I dont keep track of these things, but they are really starting to irritate me). One who is used to the availability of sex not being begged for. I mean, the number of telephone numbers I get on a Friday night at work... Anyway.

Okay. I Love him. I have said that. I will continue to say that. But this shit has got to get worked out, especially before I leave, because the last thing I want is to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. There is so much I adore about this guy... I just wish that he EXPRESSED those same feelings.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Last night with Brian

Last night was my final shift with Brian. We have been working Mondays together for about a year, and since he is going to San Diego for softball, last night was it. Neither he or I are patently emotional people, but both of us recognized how much we are going to miss working together. We were kinda the perfect mix, being able to laugh and bitch to each other. He and I are SO much alike deep down, and I will definitely miss sitting up after bar close and chatting. Last night we were at the bar until 5am. I kinda have to laugh too, because as much as I am sad to leave, he is saddder because now he has to work with an employee he abhors. At least I know that I will be missed.

I am getting to the point where I am doing a lot of things "for the last time." I know I have been to this emotional place before with Spain, Venezuela, and even back home, but I have spent a majority of my adult life here. The memories I have made in little ole Milwaukee are not only substantial but also formulative. I am trying to make those last minute stops to say goodbye to the mentors and friends that are still around this summer, and I REALLY need to start writing those thank you notes I have been thinking about all summer.

What was really cool about last night's shift (which FLEW by in a most uncharacteristic way) was that I started a "recommendation form" for patrons to sign and add comments. Not only did I get some phenominally flattering feedback which made me feel a bit overwhelmed by the show of support, I must have had 6 people tell me that they had connections in Minneapolis that they would be sure to hook me up with. Brian is talking about coming to Minneapolis with Damien sometime early September specifically to help find me a job with his contacts.If I could just get into a spot for two happy hour shifts a week, just to get my foot in the door, I would be SUCH a happy camper.

It has been a long time since I wrote. I have been all over the place busy, but there has been a ton of stuff going on. I last left off with my trip to Chicago. I had lunch with Justine and we sat and just chatted. It is always so nice with her: it doesnt need to be exciting, we dont have to DO anything, we were just able to sit and be together. I love her for that. She seemed at a better spot emotionally with her job, which made me feel very relieved. After lunch I bought her a jade plant for her desk, and then had to deal with security at her building for like half and hour just trying to get it to her. Geez... But I had nowhere else to be, so it was nice to have that luxury.

From there I meandored downtown and ended up at a Borders where i stuck around while rain started pouring outside. Milwaukee and Chicago have had like zero rain this summer, and apparently it all decided to come down at once trapping me at Borders and then later in a Wrigleyville Cubs bar where i awkwardly stood and waited for John Lynch to pick me up. He and I ended up hanging out at one of the local watering holes catching up and drinking, then went to this AWESOME pasta joint (cheap and great) where Kim joined up with us. John and I were going on and on about Ben Stockwell proposing to Lauren Wakefield, his 8th grade girlfriend. At one point we called Ben and I havent talked to him in over a year, but he jokingly (?) mentioned something about me throwing Lauren a party. I laughed and reminded Ben that I hadnt seen the girl in literally 9 years. That shit is wierd to think about. Ben? Getting married? Who would have thought he would have been the first? The wedding is going to be in Florida this next May. Well, it certainly will be an exciting trip. My thought is that Anna, Sarah, John and I should all take a road trip out there. Our dates can fly. Wouldnt that be unreal?

Anyway, after a fun night that ended early enough to remind me how old i am getting, with an amusing stop at a convenience store, the next day Kim and I went to boystown, just to dick around. Didnt really do anything major, but I had never spent one-on-one time with her before, and it was nice. Ended up eating like fat kids at the IHOP and then grabbing a couple beers at Roscoes.

Next I took a (long-ass) train to Aurora to hang out with Will. Again, as with Justine, we didnt do anything phenominally exciting, but it was just good to chill with him for a bit. He just had gotten a restaurant job, and is already feeling a bit above it, but whatever. It's very temporary for him. God I pray that he gets into the Peace Corp. We went to go see "Hustle and Flow" which was really quite good. The acting was astounding. Good stuff. Some teenagers tried to pick a fight with us outside the theater about literally nothing. Go to bed kids. Whatever.

I woke up REALLY early the next morning so that I could go and spend much of the day with (Mitchell). He had been dissapointed that I had taken off on him for three days, and since Will had to work anyway, I figured that I could still get some time in with my boy.

So, that is my Chicago trip, which brings me to the Detroit trip with (Mitchell), our first tiff, him finding this blog, him saying "I love you" back to me... All sorts of good stuff that will just have to wait. Oh, but that Liz Phair lyric I love is:

Isnt this the best part of (waking)* up, finding someone else you just can't get enough of; Someone who wants to be with you too.





*Being the dumbass that I am, I didnt realize the lyric was "breakin up," instead I thought it was "wakin up." I like my version better. Deal with it.