Displacement

It's time to do the right thing.

2009-01-15T21:06:00.003-06:00

I have a friend who is grappling a lot lately with his mother. She constantly seems to be playing hot and cold with the fact he is gay. One minute she seems okay with it, another she seems to draw needless hurtful lines in the sand that only create a further distance between her and her son.

I had the opportunity to mentor a lot of young gay folks when I was in college. And one truth was apparent: the parents nearly always come around to accept their child and love him deeper for the secret that no longer stands between them. It may take years, and years, but most eventually become their kid's greatest allies and fiercest defenders. And in the few instances where they didn't, the gay person went on to be happier for being who he is, but he went on without his parent(s). And its cripplingly sad, but he is the one who moves on. The parents never really do.

I just want to take this mother and shake her. Do you realize how much you are going to regret all of these petty little fights? All the times when you hurt your beautiful son? I am confident that she will one day come around, and I want to tell her to do it soon. There is no "gray" in love. You either do or you dont. You support him or you dont. You want him in your life or your dont. And every time you make some petty-ass decision to let something come between you and your son, you will regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not even soon. But someday you will look back: perhaps you will then have a greater understanding of what an ass you were or perhaps you will simply wonder why you dont have a better relationship with your son. And here's the answer: you didnt love him enough. So its time to cut the bullshit. Its time to let it go, see your son for the magnificent young man he is. Someone who is kind and caring, funny and intelligent, driven and, most importantly: happy in who he is.

Be happy for him. Be happy with him. I guarantee that it will only make both your lives better.

Top Chicago Pride Moments

2008-07-02T11:48:00.004-05:00

* Studying flashcards while driving so as not to get frustrated with Wisconsin drivers

* Having a road race at 105 mph the moment I crossed over the Illinois border

* Listening to the absolutely AMAZING new Coldplay CD, Viva la Vida (I don't even like Coldplay!)

* Rolling into town, getting frustrated with parking, so just illegally parking long enough to grab a beer at my favorite spot, Roscoe's.

* Hanging out with my oldest friends in the world, Pete and John

* Laughing til I cried with my lil sis about Arrested Development quotes

* Eating a crazy good thai lunch with the aforementioned sister and admiring everything she has learned about child rearing

* Cooking a rather nice dinner on the grill and then throwing a dance party at Justine's place

* Helping certain friends get laid/find new dates ;-)

* Listening to Justine go on an on about Warren Buffet and Mars and wondering if I was the only crazy one who didn't think purchasing a planet was a good idea

* Staying out til 4:45 am and then walking a 1/2 block back to Justine's fantastic place

* Getting Mojitos at 12:30 in the afternoon and watching the Gay ROTC and Kimberly Locke with my two favoritest people in the world

* Wondering "Would it look too gay if I danced?" And then remembering that I was at Pride... In Chicago... At the Kimberly Locke concert...

* Taking a "gay break" and watching Wall-E with the only person who could truly enjoy it with me

* Spending a relaxing night in to rest for the following morning... asleep 15 minutes into the movie

* Experimenting with eggs on the grill, then eating a fantabulous brunch (try sweet-potato hash-browns some time, they're killer!)

* Catching up with D and remembering some things never change. Which is awesome.

* Seeing Kim's new hair!!!

* Screaming at the Log Cabin Republicans "You're all F'ing Idiots"

* Dancing in the rain (a little Salsa with D, a little Cha Cha Slide) during the parade delays

* Seeing Kim do a Marilyn Monroe

* Eating egg rolls that some random stranger offered me because Chicagoans are AWESOME! Amazing!

* Float-hopping with some amazing chick in a purple wig

* Sitting on the ground with a couple pot-smokin drag queens as cops strolled by

* Arriving back in Minneapolis to a friend who knows exactly what I need to hear. I'll miss you Joshie!

* Coming home to find a guilt-ridden note from my aunt "Remember to cultivate loving relationships with all the people who love you. Accomplishments in this life are worth nothing if you can't share them with the people you love." I couldn't agree more! Thank you to all my wonderful Chicago friends!

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Strawberry Swing" Coldplay,
Viva la Vida

Tendering my Notice

2008-06-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

So today I gave my landlord my notice to vacate my apartment at the end of August.

It's so funny, I've spent the last two+ years bitching about how I just didn't "feel" the community in the Twin Cities... Just didn't feel very well connected to anything outside of law school. There were times when I swore I was gonna get out of here as fast as possible. And now that it's getting to be time to leave, I really really know that Im going to miss this place.

It's weird how this shit works. In a little over two months Im gonna have to pack up all my shit again, put it into a storage facility somewhere and patiently (not so patiently) wait to receive my placement in Wisconsin. Im sure I will eventually get really excited about wherever I get to go, to practice law, to establish a new community, but for right now all I have is the "leaving" part. My darlin little sis got all excited on the phone yesterday with me about the prospect of me moving closer to her. And that will be great, but I just couldn't share in her excitement in that moment. Cause all that means for me right now is that I am giving up everything here. Rough.

In a way its really good that I am getting out of here for a few days to go do Pride in Chicago. If I were to stick around here for our Pride it would likely only amplify my desire to stay put.

I've lived in this apartment building for about 3 years and it is seriously going to break my heart to leave this building and to leave the friendships that I feel only now are getting fortified. Its these transitions that challenge us. And at least on the plus-side I have the bar to focus on. Ick. THAT's my plus side. Haha.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Age Six Racer" Dashboard Confessional,
Swiss Army Romance

To my Grandparents:

2008-06-19T08:45:00.001-05:00

Jon and Jane,

It is apparent from the card you recently sent me that you don’t understand how angry I continue to be at the two of you.

I asked my father to have a discussion with you about this, and I am not sure if he did or not, but I found out sometime this winter that you both signed a petition in Florida to have the state constitution amended to permanently ban gay marriage.

Believe what you will believe. I can agree to disagree. But what you did in this act was to sign a public document stating that you never want to see me as happy as my other cousins, that you never want me to be considered equal. My father has always taught me that love is an act, expressed over and over again. Your act was anything but loving. I don’t even know how to describe your action, but it was not loving.

I have accomplished much in my life, supported by many individuals who have loved and helped me along the way. And I have come to be very proud of who I am, including the fact that I am gay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But in my short life I have learned that I don’t need people around me who will hurt me. I am returning your check. I don’t want your money. I would sooner drown in my own debt than accept money from someone who would turn around and sign a public document stating that they don’t see me as an equal. I am better than that.

I hope that you both live long enough to hear about the day I get married. It will be among the happiest days of my life. That will be an act of love.

C

Remembering the Titans: Clinton and Obama Style

2008-06-07T22:41:00.004-05:00

Being Saturday night, I took a break from studying to watch "Remember the Titans," which has been on my Netflix cue. For someone who hates sports movies, that truly is an amazing movie, and an amazing reminder of our history. There came a point in the movie that I had to remind myself that "this" was just 60 years ago... The abject and outright hate that tore our country apart was just 60 years ago.

It amazes me that we were at that point in our history... There is simply no denying that it is one of our more shameful historical moments. But, as Coach Carter did in this movie, we need to look to the past and let the blood of those before us inspire and teach us. To love beyond race, beyond gender, beyond nationality, and, quite frankly, beyond ourselves.

Today, Sen. Hillary Clinton announced that she was suspending her campaign. In many ways, this reminds me of Coach Yoast in this movie: she had every right to fill the "head coach" position. She should have been our "Hall of Famer." But there is a rift in our country that needs to be filled, a wound that still needs to be healed, and progress that needs to be made, and there is someone else who can better help to accomplish that goal. I am so very proud to think that Barack Obama could be our next president. Will be our next president.

It was Coach Carter's unbridled audacity and influence that transformed that Virginia town into a vibrant example of integrated, fair, decent society, slowly teaching its citizens to love and respect one another despite their differences. But in the end it was both he and Coach Yoast (the white coach) who learned to work together to make the team everything that it could be.

This is not my pitch for making Sen. Clinton the VP candidate. Quite frankly I think that would be a political mistake. Rather, I think that our party, our people, have the potential to gather around this new leader of our party and create a new reality. Taking one more step forward in a society that has learned many lessons in our short history.

These are some titans to remember.

The (Second) Worst Summer of My Life

2008-06-07T08:33:00.001-05:00

Well, I don't know about you, but I was up until about 11:30 last night. Friday night that is... Studying. Yup. Practice Bar Essays, Outlines, Flashcards and whatnot. And here it is, 8:20 am on one of the only Saturdays until August when I DONT have a 9am class, and I'm back studying again.

Its funny: I have heard from about 6 different lecturers that we should consider this summer, the summer of Bar Prep, to be the worst of our lives. Finally one of the lecturers on Thursday conceded, "Well, unless you have had a close family member die or have served in Iraq." Phew... Well at least maybe this will be the Second-Worst summer in my life.

I think it is hard for most people to understand what a big deal this F'ing test is, and how excruciating it is to study for. Two solid days of testing over the intricate details of at least 15 different areas of law (including something called "Commercial Paper," whatever THAT is), in both essay format and multiple choice. But wait, there's more: one day you are being tested on the laws of a local jurisdiction (WI for me), and the next you are being tested on general law principles which often directly contradict your state's laws. Great. Oh, and also, in the long run your score is being "scaled" against the other test takers, so this F'ing test is on a curve as well. Yippee.

Oh, and if you fail, you will be disappointing your school, losing any potential job opportunities you had for at least 6 months and will have to do all of this again.

I was talking to a fellow bar-taker about the fact that people don't seem to get what a big deal all this is. I proposed passing a law: "All persons in preparation for taking a bar exam, within two months of taking such exam, are excused from any social obligations that might be expected of them, including anniversaries, birthdays, and things like Father's Day. This assembly recognizes that they need to fall off the face of the planet for a little while and should be allowed to do so with impunity." Or something like that.

Also, because I started to get entertained by this yesterday, here is just a sampling of the "status messages" of some of my friends who are studying for the bar right now:

Chris is going to run away and live at Greenacre.

Deepa is re-living the nightmare of first year property.

Leyla is realizing she didn't learn a darn thing in law school.

Suzanne: my brain has already reached its max...oh mf.

Ryan wishes he had an "easy" button.

Meg is contemplating a life on the pole rather than continuing to study for the bar.

Jake is Bawws deep in Con Law.

Dee Ann doesn't even want to be a lawyer.

Jenny feels like she'll never stop studying...

Karen's fortune cookie just told her she would make a good lawyer...hmmm...

John is flipping a coin between attorney and box car hobo.

Good Times.

Transitions... Again

2008-05-30T09:40:00.002-05:00

It is kinda a humid, stuffy day today in my office. It is, in fact, my last day here. After two years clerking for the Public Defender I have to say goodbye. I'm having a bit of trouble with it, to be honest. I will certainly miss the people, the work, the atmosphere... This job has been an unexpected gift from God. And it sucks to walk away from it.

So here's where I am at: I graduated law school magna cum laude. My adoption article was published by our law journal earlier this month. There was a TON of drama this year at law school (one very good reason I wasn't writing). I also wasn't writing because I largely didn't feel I needed to. I had enough outlets around for my occasional venting. Writing seems a bit more necessary now.

It looks like I am going to be working for the Wisconsin Public Defender, which is fantastic. Our office here had its funding cut, so there was no job potential here (we kinda knew that was going to be the outcome), so it is super nice that I have this job offer keeping me sane. On the downside I won't know where I will be living until about October, once bar results are announced. So until then I am studying for the Wisconsin bar, staying put here while many of my friends move away, and then figuring out what to do with the months of August and September (I have already applied to a local grocery store for a position re-stocking shelves... Im also thinking of standing next to the road begging with a sign that reads: "Graduated with Honors from Law School - Can't get a job").

Its kinda funny, because the ONLY thing I have to get done today is a rather simple memo that I am really just putting off. I may try to get it done over the weekend. I just am not quite mentally ready to be done.

Personally I am at a bit of an awkward point as well. On the one hand I want to grab at every opportunity with my various friend groups to spend as much quality time with everyone as possible. On the other hand I have this deep desire to hole-up, divest from relationships and quietly slip away.

A large part of all of this is that I have WAY too much free time at the moment. I have been running at about 150% for the last three years: full time school with sometimes two other jobs, running the social apparatus for the school while on law journal and creating all sorts of problems for the school along the way. Now it's just me. No job. No school. No social structure. Just me. Wow. That's kinda a scary thought.

Gays Behaving Badly

2007-09-18T08:11:00.000-05:00

Well, this is interesting... Its being reported that one of the defendants in the Michael Sandy murder trial just had his lawyer "come out" for him in opening statements for the trial. The idea is, "It couldn't be a hate crime, cause I'm gay too." Except, as I have often pointed out, closet-cases are a breed of a whole different color.

I can't help but notice that us gays are in the news a lot lately for some rather stupid shit. (Hey, we had nothing to do with O.J.'s latest.) And while I, personally, see it all as a result of the dark and twisting nature of the closet, I recognize that this is a fairly educated and nuanced view.

Anthony Fortunato didnt steal from people because he was gay: he did it cause he was a maladjusted idiot. Senator Craig didn't seek out bathroom sex because he is gay: he did it because he was a fucked up closet-case (as are most bathroom-sex-seekers). Catholic priests aren't diddling little boys because they're gay: they are doing it because they have the sexual maturities of 12-year-olds and because of repressed sexual urges that the Vatican won't even acknowledge.

In the end, I suppose "no news is bad news" to some extent, in that the more that gay people are acknowledged (even if occasionally emphasizing the crazies) the more the general public will have to acknowledge our presence. And maybe, just maybe, people will start catching on to the underlying issues that are harmer both our community and the general populace: repression and discrimination.

Post-Fest 2007

2007-09-14T08:47:00.000-05:00

Its been a heavy news time, and I definitely need to get back in the saddle in regards to writing, but here's to a quick start.

First the bad:

HIV resurges among young gay men in New York. Shameful. Truly. What the fuck? How idiotic can we be? Use a condom, EVERY TIME. No if, ands or buts. This is a sad, but unfortunately more common phenomenon. Fear just aint working any more (of course, I said that back in 2003). Meanwhile, in Papua New Guinea, mobs are murdering or burying alive women with AIDS. Lawmakers there are also considering planting tracking chips in those with AIDs... Backwards much?

Oh yeah. And scientist predict polar bears will be wiped off the face of the earth by the end of the century. Looks like Coca-Cola will have to find a new holiday image. So sad.

Then the good:

A former University of Wisconsin (Madison) football player is giving half his estate ($1 million) to the UW's LGBT center. Wow. Seriously.

Students in Nova Scotia are wearing pink shirts to stand up for a kid bullied for wearing pink. These kids are freaking awesome.

Unity08, an internet campaign to put a Third Party ticket on the 2008 ballot that might not be quite as much of a partisan hack. I had thought that the whole idea behind Unity was a liberal-dream of "why can't we all get along" politics. But, as a recent study shows, the following is truly about as bi-partisan as you can get. People all along the political spectrum are buying in. And the money quote on issues: "Gun ownership, abortion rights, and gay marriage came in dead last in the rankings." Its time for the discussion to move on. Agreed.

Incredible Guys

2007-08-23T15:39:00.000-05:00

Well that was fun!

As a favor to an old friend, for the last two nights I have housed and entertained (somewhat) 4 guys who are traveling around the country in an RV creating a documentary about people who have really pursued their passion. It is, ironically enough, called Pursue the Passion.

I got to know these guys pretty quick, and they were 4 incredibly different personalities, but all the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. It was also good to distract me from some of the shit that has been going on in my head, which was somewhat important yesterday. In particular, I bonded with Noah, a writer and rapper from Tucson, who I just had an awesome connection with. It was kinda like: "Wow. We could be good friends!" Given how hard I have found it to connect to people in the Cities on exactly that type of level, I was certainly sad to see him go. We had gone out last night with his bus-mate Zach to the 19-Bar, and just had too much fun talking politics over far too much beer.

I also just noticed that they mentioned me in their travel blog regarding a conversation I had about the concept of "vacation" in our culture. They call me a "passionate public defender." I like that. Good stuff.

And as much as I love my job, I've gotta admit that I'm more than a little jealous of the trip they continue to have ahead of them.

Below: a clip from one of the many press interviews they have had

Interesting Campaign

2007-08-23T10:17:00.000-05:00

I have had this website open on my desktop for about a week now, and I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it (not that it matters since the campaign looks like it ended last December). I think the idea of making people aware that they might be carrying HIV (or any other STD) without knowing it is a good notion, but I do remember a less educated time when people thought you could get HIV from a water fountain or pool... And this PR stunt originated in South America, where education on these issues still havent reached the level they have here. So a campaign based on "I got HIV through someone touching me..." has some problematic potential.

Still though, props for creativity. I hope that there is enough education going on along with this effort.

Thrilling and Scary

2007-08-14T08:23:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to pick up my roommate from the airport. She was late because her plane had been circling the city as there was continuous heat lightning for a good couple hours when they were scheduled to land. Apparently getting hit by lightning while landing isn't a fun experience.

But just as we left the airport the heat lightning broke and became a torrential downpour. I'm not sure I've ever seen a storm quite like that. Or, for that matter, driven through one. We had flash flooding coming up to the top of the wheels, and lightning that felt like it was right on top of us. I thought I could literally see my skeleton, like in the cartoons. We made it back to our apartment safe and sound. My roommate was relieved. I, on the other hand, was just a little disappointed that I didn't get zapped and end up with super powers. That's just me though.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Hundred" The Fray,
How to Save a Life

Just What the Doctor Ordered

2007-08-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

Okay. Wow. That was a fun weekend.

To be honest, and not to get all melancholy, but I have been getting a little depressed here in big ole Minneapolis. I don't have the friend base that I have grown accustomed to, and have had problems meeting people... I don't know quite what the deal is, but I'm finding this city just not that friendly. People don't like talking to strangers. I had a really rough week last week trying to make connections with friends who either canceled, ignored or otherwise shrugged off my attempts to find people to hang out with. I mean, seriously, how hard is it just to find a friend to go to a movie with? And I try not to, but at a certain point, I can't help but take it personally and wonder what's wrong with me... Well, nothing. And I knew that all along, but I just needed to get out of here for a bit to remember that.

I took a last minute trip to Chicago to spend some time with my oldest and dearest friends. J, probably my best friend from college, just bought an incredible condo 1 block off of Boystown, and I stayed in "Christian's Room" as she has dubbed it. It was just incredible to be hanging out with her, and meeting up with several other friends who I know I can always count on.

I took Friday afternoon off and ended up renting a car and driving down there with a buddy from work, who was likewise going to Chicago to visit his boyfriend. Once we got there, J made me dinner and after gawking at her unbelievable new home, we went out on the town. First to SideTrakk, which is MUCH the better than it's Traverse City version (the only gay bar in my home town: literally a double wide trailer). Within minutes at that bar we happened to bump into a couple from Traverse who have served as my friends and mentors since I came out at age 17. Quite incredible to see them out, and I was thrilled to catch up with them.

And here's the thing: when we went to the bar to grab some drinks, random people just started talking to us. Maybe it was unique to MarketDays, which was last weekend, but it was amazing to have people strike up a conversation! I can NEVER get people to do that in Minneapolis!

From SideTrakk J and I moved on to Hydrate to meet up with one of my childhood friends (known me since 2nd grade) and his new wife. Let the flood of people wash over us there for a bit, then over to Buck's for pool. Again, people just randomly chatting with us left and right. We lasted to bar close, and then made our way home.

The next morning, J and I got breakfast, then walked around Market Days, collecting condoms and flirting with random guys at random tables. About noon we met up with another friend (also from 2nd grade) and his ex-girlfriend, who I adore. We ended up drinking outside straight from noon until 7:30. J and I actually forgot to eat, and were making ourselves quite happy drinking Bacardi's canned Mojitos.... Quite yummy. But by 7:30 I was dancing shirtless in the street and motorboating complete strangers (see photo), before I passed out neatly in my room.

I woke up about 2am, roaring and ready to go. "What the hell?" I thought, so I hit the streets, looking for some fun. As I was walking up Halstead, a small Filipino guy, Danny, approached me:

"Hey, how you doing?"

"Good." I said, wondering what he wanted.

"Are you straight?" he asked.

"No, why do you ask?" I responded.

"Good. Let's go get a drink." And just like that, I had a companion at Buck's where we chatted til about 3am. He was even super nice after I made it clear that I wasn't interested in going home with him. After Buck's closed, Danny directed me to Hydrate, where I proceeded to dance til about 5am, stopping only to make out with Paul, a publicist from D.C. Then home, playing in the rain along the way.

The next morning, J and I met our friend D (another awesome friend from college) for brunch at Orange. The wait was excruciating, (as we hadn't eaten real food in roughly 24 hours) but it gave us ample time to catch up and the food was well worth the wait. After that, we walked around Market Days for a little while longer (saw one of gay porn's biggest stars, Matthew Rush, walking around), and then I picked up my buddy from work, and we made our way back to Minneapolis. It had been a weekend of amazing friends, shirtless guys and just feeling wonderful about myself again.

It was, indeed, just what I needed.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Spit on a Stranger" Nickel Creek,
This Side

This scares the hell out of me...

2007-08-09T11:47:00.000-05:00

A recent article was printed in the New Yorker regarding the CIA's "Black Sites" and their interrogation techniques. I don't think that it will shock anyone in its content, but the thoroughness of the analysis creates a picture that should truly make you appreciate the absolute horror of the way we have allowed our government to treat people. It is lengthy, but certainly worth the read.

I am not a terrorist. In fact, I am a bit of a pacifist. But my personality has always been one to get in people's faces, cause problems, and confront establishment. Just ask my various school administrations, including a high school principal who still dreads seeing me. I now have a job where I quite literally fight the government on a daily basis. So the question becomes: "Who do I have to bug/cajole/expose/politically threaten/deviate from/scare in order for someone in our government to decide it is time for me to 'disappear'?"

It is unfathomable that the CIA or the US Military would spy on domestic groups. Wait. That has already happened.

It is unfathomable that our government would raid an apartment to "disappear" a terror suspect (somewhat like the Pinochet regime in Chile, really), and hold them outside of due process and torture them. Wait. That has already been happening as well.

It is unfathomable that the US Government could scoop up a well-meaning but politically threatening journalist/lawyer/activist to silence him.... How long will it be before this "unfathomable" event comes to pass?

It truly scares the hell out of me. If I were made to disappear, my family would have no idea what to do, no idea where to turn, and the devastation this would cause makes me cringe.

Where did the moral superiority of the United States go? When did it become okay to not only hit the low ground but to explore it and dwell in it? To become the rogue nation that feels it is above international law and need not comply with, well, simple morals?

I have a feeling I know what the Founders would say: unfathomable.

You Wouldn't Hit a Man with a Cock in His Mouth, Would You?

2007-08-08T08:12:00.001-05:00

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Republicans!

Something to Consider

2007-08-02T13:50:00.001-05:00

glumbert.com - How not to get your ass kicked by the police

One more reason...

2007-08-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

... that I am so very ashamed of the Bush administration. Reuters is reporting that the former Surgeon General was muzzled by the Bush Administration on scientific issues to suit their political purposes. And this was one of their OWN APPOINTEES!! Public welfare? Not important. Public safety? Ehh. Scientific integrity? Certainly a non-issue.

Thanks Towleroad.

Minneapolis #1 in Volunteerism

2007-08-01T11:21:00.000-05:00

While I'm not altogether sure that I didn't just make up that word,
here's the story. Go us! Not a bad credential to add to your city's resume.

Thailand: The Epic Journey

2007-07-30T07:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have put this off long enough, and it is time to get this down in writing... So much went on during this trip, and I'm sure that I'll continue updating this for my own sake as memories reappear to me, but here's my first go at it:

Friday, July 6:
After an abbreviated work week (although I had bartended Tuesday) I went out for a couple drinks with co-workers on Friday and then made my way to the Minneapolis airport via lightrail and boarded my 7pm flight to Chicago. Funny enough, I bumped into a good friend (and law journal partner) from law school, Dave and his girlfriend. It was nice to have someone friendly to talk with, if for no other reason than to alleviate some of the pre-trip stress that inevitably sets in before a trans-continental voyage.

Once in Chicago, my oldest friend Pete and his new wife Jennalee (were fantastic and) picked me up at the airport. I had gotten a hotel room with the intention that the Guy was going to meet me out there for a night together, but that wasn't going to happen, and I became increasingly grateful for the time I got to spend with Pete and his wife. As I (perhaps drunkenly) pointed out later to Jennalee, I'm extremely glad that Pete married someone cool, who can hang out with us at Hooters (our now-traditional post-airport stop; also where Pete first introduced me to her) and let us still have our fun together without getting annoyed. I am still a little bit nervous about my friends getting married (more on another friend later) but at least with these two I'm growing more and more confident that they are really ready for each other for a lifetime.

Well, anyway, after Hooters and buying a t-shirt there (great for the irony, if nothing else), we went to another Roseville bar, where Pete and I had some fairly good conversations about things I can't really remember but seemed deep at the time. One thing for sure is that Pete has a little trouble understanding my job defending both the guilty and the innocent, and I feel like I finally made some headway there. We drank for quite a few hours together before we decided that it was finally time to get me to my hotel, and I hugged them both and snuggled into a big, comfortable, (if lonely) hotel bed.

Saturday, July 7:
Although I had tried to keep myself up late to pre-adjust to the 12-hour time change to come, I woke far too early due to nerves and ended up watching a Jennifer Lopez movie to pass the time. At that point, partially due to the sappy love story on the screen and partially because of my errant thoughts, my mind inevitably went to the Guy, and how much I wanted him with me. I hadn't heard from him as to why he no-showed, and really didn't want to hear the excuses: it was becoming more and more apparent that things simply aren't going to work out. I had come to the city where he was staying, rented a hotel room, and still nothing from him... While in the end he had a reasonably valid excuse, I started off this vacation thinking about how I needed to move on, and ended it having finally done so.

Eventually I boarded a hotel shuttle to the airport, getting a call in to my sister along the way, and then quickly found my check-in station. Because I had booked my ticket with my traveling companion Nate, I waited for him to come before checking in. In what felt like an excutiating period of time, I went through a couple of magazines and just watched time go by until I finally saw him coming up. His tardiness was not that extreme, nor was it a problem of any sort, but I had arrived early, and was already more than anxious about just getting my ass in the airplane seat. I became a little terse at the moment, and immediately wondered if this was going to be the start of a very painful 15 days traveling together. (It was not. In fact, quite the opposite).

Once we had checked our things, I bought a carton of cigarettes and we had McDonalds lunch, and got through security. Nate and I then walked around terminal to stretch our legs while we could, both walking the wrong-way down the moving walkways (always fun) and spotting a statute labeled "Male Sin" (which I promptly decided I needed to "get into"). We finally heard our flight called, got into line and were ready to go. At that point an elderly Asian, perhaps 5 feet tall, cut directly in front of me. My response: a mumbled "Honey, just because you are below my sight-line doesnt mean I can't see you..." She didn't hear me, and I let it go. Let's just get on the plane already!

Turns out Korean Air is absolutely splendid. Both Nate and I got aisle seats next to each other, and we spent most of the flight watching among the 25+ movies you could select on your personal tv-screen, playing video games, and tracking our flight. The food was pretty damn good too, and I was longing for those Korean Noodles on every flight thereafter. Also, they give you socks to wear. How can you beat that?

After an otherwise uneventful flight, we landed in Seoul, North Korea at 5pm, Sunday July 8th.

Seoul: Will, Kenny, Mai (depart 8:30pm), couples in matching outfits

Phuket: arrive 1am (taxi haggling, dark-dank three-person bed)

Monday, July 9: Phuket, Chinese breakfast, hang around, food, Transformers, beer garden, AIDS discussion, bathroom massage

Tuesday, July 10: travel Phuket --> Surat Thani --> Ko samui --> Lamai (party that night: rainy beer, 12-year olds)

Wednesday, July 11: beach day, massage (icy-hot), crickets, corona commercial... food, tailor? (tailor fetching me on the beach)

Thursday, July 12: day trip to national park... dreadful sea-kayaking, stair-climb, rock/rope climb, photos on plates, ... leg rash, Harry Potter

Friday, July 13: anticipated departure, delayed departure, beach day

Saturday, July 14: boat to Ko Tao, bungaloo on the beach, settling in, really bad enchilada, hanging out that night

Sunday, July 15: Will robbed, morning reading, Scuba re-training, that night?

Monday, July 16: change hotels, early morning diving: two sites - shark island and twin peaks, genuine Thai curry, saying goodbye to Ryan and Betsy, night to party... first gay man. Buckets of Red Bull and vodka, fire twirlers, hit my head. (injury #1). Deep conversations.

Tuesday, July 17: chill-out day, "Fracture", reading, killing time, Kenny's sandals, night boat

Wednesday, July 18: -->Krabi ... tiger cave, 2km stair (1200), mangrove tour: bite from shark-like-fish, amazing cave, rubber glove, night market, hanging with Irish, O'Malley's ... goodbye to Will, Kenny, Mai

Thursday, July19: unreal rock climbing

Friday, July 20: sea-kayaking (take 2), fresh-water lake, playing cards with Irish

Saturday, July 21: Nate still drunk, packing up, haphazardly catch bus to Phuket (nicer bus), back to same guesthouse as before (room upgrade), Harry Potter (again), Lady-Boy show (lame), late night Denzel Washington.

Sunday, July 22: early morning Denzel, hanging around, souvenir shopping, man returns money, couples massage, run out of money, friendly cab driver, incredible night sky, Phuket airport 8:40pm (horrid airport) --> bangkok 10pm (amazing airport) pizza before getting on 1am flight to Seoul.

Monday, July 23: Seoul 8:45 am, noon to Chicago, arrive 11am... quick intake into US, switch to earlier flight, 1:15 to Minneapolis. fight with reporter. roommate picks me up. home. yeah.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"TITLE OF SONG" ARTIST,
ALBUM TITLE

Hello Again!

2007-07-26T04:27:00.000-05:00

Well Hello!

It is once again 4:30 in the morning, and due to the time change from Thailand I am wide awake again. I havent been the best at forcing myself to readapt to the Central Time Zone. Which then results in me going to bed at 9pm and waking at 4am. Well, worse things have happened.

The trip was amazing, full of fantastic friends and phenomenal experiences. Over the next couple of days I will try my best to detail the trip in a separate posting, but for right now I will just comment that it was the perfect combination of relaxation, partying, culture and adventure. The photos from everyone else's cameras will be drifting in soon, so I'll be posting those too.

A lot of thought was put in during this trip about the Guy (the Nigerian, to clarify). Before I flew to Thailand, I had a one night layover in Chicago, where he is currently staying with relatives. I had hoped that we might be able to spend a romantic evening together, but the stars just didnt align, and we weren't able to make it happen. Before I had left I had been rather refusing to acknowledge that I was once again "single" (most markedly noted by my posting "It's Complicated" on my Facebook relationship section... I know... Lame.). But what I realized on this trip was that it is time to move on. It is time to give another whack at finding "the one." It's hard to give up on what we had, but it is time to do so. Maybe there's a future with Him, but until I know that I need to put myself out there again (and to my credit, since I have been home I have had one date and two hookups: Ive been home three nights; I didnt get any action in Thailand, so I came back a little... wound up). There were all sorts of situations in Thailand that I thought "It would be so nice if He were here." But he wasn't, and I suppose it is time to find someone who could be.

Now that I'm back, I feel like I have a million things to take care of, and it all seems a little overwhelming, especially coming from an atmosphere where I didn't have to do anything all day. Before I left I signed a 1Br apartment in my same building, and now have a little over a month before I need to pack up my shit and move. I also need to (once again) re-edit my Adoption Article to be resubmitted for publication. Im coming up on my third year of law school, so it is also time to start looking at potential employers around the country. Yipee! Add to that the simple fact that I have no groceries and need to get back into my work-out routine, and I'm feeling a bit behind.

Its funny. Before I left, a friend who had just returned from Vietnam told me, "Make sure you take mental time and energy to readjust to being back. Because you are not going to want to be." She specifically noted the depression that sets in after leaving such a paradise. And while I am always glad to be back on U.S. soil, she was damn right. I spent the first day not wanting to eat American food, not wanting to acknowledge that I had things to do, places to be. I came home and even felt poorer, not only because I have to face my credit card bills but more because I'm not spending the Bhat, which has a great exchange rate to U.S.

Im getting over all that... I have a great weekend to look forward to (Bikers with Big Hearts for Camp Heartland) and plenty of friends to keep me distracted. That's the stuff. Til I adjust, I guess I'll just keep waking up at 4am. Smile.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Black Balloon" Goo Goo Dolls,
Dizzy Up the Girl

Where I've Been, Where I'm Going

2007-07-06T07:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess it is fair to say that blogging hasn't been high on my list of priorities lately. I've been busy with my day job (more than usual: four murders on my desk at once), picked up a bartending job at a kickass club, and been finishing work grading the "write-on" competition for the Law Journal. It's not that I don't have things to say: be it volleyball pants and blind people or things a bit more relevant (read: the irrelevance of the Bush Monarchy) there have been a lot of things bouncing around inside of my head.

But even now that I am motivated to get some writing done, I still don't have the time, and am now leaving for Thailand until the end of the month. I'm sure I will be doing a lot of writing there, but all by hand and I'm sure little if any of it ends up online.

Wish me safe travels, and I'll write again soon!

Remembering the True Value of Pride

2007-06-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

Happy Moments of the Evening

2007-06-21T20:17:00.000-05:00

*** Sweating my ass off as I worked out watching the Best Week Ever podcast on my iPod.

*** Seeing a swarm of about 50 skateboarders who had taken to the street pass me by as I walked home.

*** Excusing myself to pass two Sheriff's Deputies and a Parole Officer who were blocking the sidewalk, mentioning, "We wouldn't want to be Interfering with Pedestrian Traffic, would we?"

*** Seeing two people patiently help a handicapped man out of a city bus.

***Being allowed to exchange a pair of pants I had bought at Target OVER A YEAR ago and never worn for a new size. (One more reason why I f'in LOVE Target)

*** Watching an episode of West Wing from the new boxed set I recently purchased while eating one of my favorite meals and then a cup of Caribou Caramel Swirl.

Some days it's just the small things.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Because the Night" 10,000 Maniacs,
MTV Unplugged

Fun New Site

2007-06-19T08:25:00.001-05:00

My Incredibly (un?)Justified Fear of Shoe Shiners

2007-06-13T17:37:00.000-05:00

See, maybe it's that I'm a guy who buys cheap shoes... I had a friend the other day laugh at me when I acknowledged that most of my shoes have come from Payless. But only recently have I been wearing better shoes that might be worthy of taking care of. Shoes that deserve a good shine.

I'll admit it: I never really learned how to shine my shoes. My Boy Scout troop was all para-military, but that was never something we had to do. So now, in my adulthood, I face a dilemma: I must either go out and buy the materials (shoe polish, brush, etc.) to figure out how to shine my own shoes, or I can pony up the $6 to have one of the many many shoe shiners in Skyway do it for me.

Except: they scare me.

I don't know where this comes from, but for some reason I am really uncomfortable about the prospect of someone else shining my shoes. Perhaps its because I always think that the guys sitting up in those chairs reading the Wall Street Journal look like pompous asses. Part of it is that it is SUCH a subservient role for the person doing the shining, and I'm not particularly comfortable about that. Part of it is also that the fag in me doesn't want a professional judging my footwear thinking to themselves, "Well, maybe he didn't get these at PayLess, but he certainly could have."

Well, earlier this week I decided to face my fear. I went and paid my money, sat in the chair, and listened to the crazy Zydeco music playing at the little shop where the guy nearest my office sits. He seemed to be quite experienced, and I tried to make polite conversation with him so as not to feel like a pompous ass in the process. (I left my WSJ on my desk.)

But here's the problem: he FUCKED UP MY SHOES!!!

They now look worse than when I started: black sole paint on the leather, scuff marks on the top!

Now I am not only scared of shoe-shiners, but have a fucked up pair of shoes to legitimize my phobia.

Maybe its "do it yourself" time. Fuck.

My First Smile of the Morning

2007-06-13T07:29:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm back to my normal day job, I have to be at my desk at 7:30 in the morning. This normally means that I am up at 6:15, and don't have the most leisurely morning routine to get out of the door. This morning wake-up comes altogether too early, especially since I have not yet gotten into the habit of getting to bed early enough to provide me with my requisite 8 hours of rest (plus last night was hot and sticky, so I didn't sleep well). Anyway, I realized this morning that throughout my morning bus ride and walk to work, I have a fairly dour expression on my face. "Seriously, I have to do this again?" (And this is when I LOVE my job, I can only imagine how painful it would be if I hated it.)

But I also realized that there is always a moment of the day that gets me back to my cheery (who are we kidding) self.

Every morning when I walk in the door of the building I am greeted by (Juan). (Juan) is our custodian, and every morning when I walk in the door we greets me with a big ole smile. He's this cute little guy and he's always working his butt off. For a while last summer when he would see me he would dart over to push the handicap-button on the door so it would open for me. I would always laugh and thank him, but finally told him he really doesn't need to do that for me. He is perhaps the hardest working guy in our building and he certainly doesnt need to play doorman for me, the ... not hardest working guy in the building.

I can only presume that since (Juan) works for the government that he is legally in this country. He's very obviously first generation Mexican immigrant, and lives here with his wife and very young daughter (he loves showing pictures). They all go to English classes together.

I couldn't help but think of (Juan) and his family and their efforts to make a better life for themselves here when I heard a recap of Tom Tancredo's racist, xenophobic bullshit at the Republican primary debates. His idea of halting all immigration (legal and otherwise) until all current residents in the U.S. have been forced to assimilate to (white) American culture is pure bullshit. At the debate he actually said that immigrants must "cut ties" with their country of origin and even their families in those countries. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! Since when has that been a requirement to be American? To my knowledge we still have St. Patrick's Day parades in just about every city in the United States.

Tancredo also specifically referenced his spite at phone lines that make users "Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish..." This I totally don't understand. NO ONE IS MANDATING such phone options! What Tancredo is bitching about are U.S. companies who have seen a market for goods and services and are trying to fill that market as best as possible. What's more American than capitalism? What Tancredo, and many like him including my grandparents, fear is that the culture of America will (once again) change, through the efforts of those who live here.

I'm sorry, but the "I was here first" argument just doesn't hold water: otherwise we'd all be speaking Navajo/Algonquian/Iroquoian.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Follow You Home" Nickelback,
All the Right Reasons

Taking the Lead

2007-06-11T10:38:00.000-05:00

Damn this is sick. I mean really. To take any amount of joy out of someone's death (besides Jerry Falwell's). I'm truly a sick fuck.

But it does mean that I am winning.

Some of my law school friends started a "Dead Pool." Essentially, you create a list of the top ten people you think will die by the end of the year. The person with the most points at the end of the year wins (points are allocated based on the 100 minus the age of the decedent, that way betting on a geezer is worth less than betting that Paris Hilton dies from teeth chipped from hungrily attacking her jail bars).

And with the death of Republican Senator Craig Thomas last Monday, I pull ahead! I now have 26 points, SWEET!

And my most sincere condolences to the Thomas family. Really. Nothing Personal. Please don't hate me for betting on a man with Leukemia. Oh my God Im going to hell.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Hear Me Out" Frou Frou,
Details

Good Damn Weekend

2007-06-11T08:54:00.000-05:00

Well, the Guy has officially left. We got to spend one last glorious night together last week, fed by the passion we have developed together and the longing we knew that we will have as we part ways. Asi es la vida. In some ways it helped that we had that break-up a few weeks back, because I had already divested some from the relationship, but I'm certainly glad that we had gotten back together to spend what little time we had left together to truly remember how good we are together. Or were. Or will be. Who knows?

He left me with a little plastic ruler, which now sits at my desk reading "No one measures up to you." Ahhh.

The last week of work saw me wrap up my "top secret" project that I had been focusing on for a few weeks. It was controversial, heated, and I just tried my best (sometimes not so well) to stay above the fray. Well, my part has been played, now I just get to sit back and watch.

Friday night I went out with the folks from work. Predictably, we we ended up having too much fun, kinda crashing a Bachelor/Bachelorette party bus, obliterating a few styrofoam coolers along the way when we all fell cascade-style on top of them when the bus braked suddenly. Good times. Took my mind off the stress of the week, for sure.

Saturday I started training to bartend at Karma. They started training me at about 11pm, and had me out the door by midnight. Sound a little abrupt? It was. The thing was that the guy training me asked, "Do I need to train you to mix drinks?"

"No, I've been bartending since I was 18."

"Well, do I need to show you how this computer system works?"

"No, I used the exact same system at my last bar."

"Hmmm... well, let's just let you go at it then."

So, I bartended for about an hour, getting filled in on the particulars of the bar and the way things work there, and then the guy decided I was good to go. So then I meandered my way down to the Saloon, met a couple of friends there for a few drinks, then made it an early night home.

Yesterday went for a glorious brunch with my Roomie and her friend. Great brunch at Campiellos. Then literally laid around and napped away much of the day. Wow. That's a nice way to spend a weekend. It just felt incredible to not have any major work hanging around my neck.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Open Your Eyes" Snow Patrol,
Eyes Open

This should help me get a job.... Definitely.

2007-06-11T08:51:00.000-05:00

See about 6 Minutes in... Oh to be a nationally famous porn addict. Too bad Mom's not around to be proud.

Once Again I Bartend!

2007-06-07T08:03:00.000-05:00

Well, as I noted briefly last Monday, I was offered a job at a club that I had been hanging out at. Ironically the job offer came from me being a sassy drunken bitch to the bar owner:

As we were leaving, he asked our group, "So did you guys have a good time tonight?"

My response: "It would have been better if your bartenders didn't suck ass."

We got into a quick discussion about what was wrong with the bar service, and he ended up telling me to call him about a job. Sweet.

So I went in and talked to the bar manager, and will be starting this Saturday. I will be working for the gay nights they host about once a month, which are always kick-ass parties, and possibly some pick-up Saturday shifts along the way.

I have seriously missed bartending. It's a great social outlet, and a great break from have "the law" be the only thing interesting going on in my life. It's hard to believe that it has been over a year since I left BOOM!. Not that I entirely miss that place in particular.

So here's where I'll be:

Now I just need to start studying my Drink Flashcards again. (Im not kidding.)

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Everybody's Leaving" Elkland,
Golden

Made my Morning

2007-06-05T07:41:00.000-05:00

Im not a huge Enrique Iglesias fan, but you have to give amazing esteem to any man who is this comfortable with his sexuality. This clip taken at G-A-Y Club in London (honestly one of the best dance clubs I've ever been to).

Thanks Towleroad

What is it about having a Boyfriend?

2007-05-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

Well, first of all, the Guy and I are back together. That happened about a week ago when we both put the little conflict we had had behind us. So we are back together. That is, until he moves out of the state/country/continent.

And I always wonder which came first... It seems like every time I find myself coupled up with someone, guys swarm like bees. Is it that I am more confident when I know I have someone to come home to? Perhaps. Is it that I'm not giving guys the "please sleep with me" look? Could be. I really don't see either of those things though.

Friday night, I got a "booty call" which I had to pleasantly reject. Last night, I had guys buying me drinks, was offered a job at the bar, and then at the end of the night when I was passed out on a friend's sleeper sofa after an after-bar bonfire, some guy tried to crawl into bed with me. All very flattering. But why doesn't this stuff happen when I'm single? Seriously, I can go through crazy "dry spells," and not have a gay man in the world look at me. Then I'm off the market and *poof* desirable. What's with that?

Maybe the lesson is that I need to forever operate as though I do have a boyfriend. Who knows.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Frozen Foods" Quietdrive,
Unknown Album

Worth Reading. Worth Saving.

2007-05-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

This is the text of the speech that Bob Hattoy gave at the 1992 Democratic Convention. He was the first openly gay man to speak to that sort of audience, and certainly the first person with AIDS. He died a few months back, but I still want to mark this as something to remember.

BOB HATTOY: Thank you. I love you. Thank you, California. Thank you, Gay and Lesbian community. Thank you, Congresswoman Pat Schroeder. Thank you, Aretha Franklin, God.

I am here tonight because of one man's courage and conviction, one man's dedication and daring and yes, one man's true kindness. He's my boss, Bill Clinton. (Applause)

You see, I have AIDS. I could be an African American woman, a Latino man, a 10-year old boy or girl. AIDS has many faces. And AIDS knows no class or gender, race or religion, or sexual orientation. AIDS does not discriminate, but George Bush's White House does. (Applause)

AIDS is a disease of the Reagan-Bush years. The first case was detected in 1981, but it took 40,000 deaths and seven years for Ronald Reagan to say the word "AIDS." It's five years later, 70,000 more dead and George Bush doesn't talk about AIDS, much less do anything about it.

Eight years from now there will be 2 million cases in America. If George Bush wins, we're all at risk in America. It's that simple. It's that serious. It's that terrible. (Applause)

(Chants of "No second term!")

This is hard. I'm a Gay man with AIDS and if there's any honor in having this disease it's because it's an honor being part of the Gay and Lesbian community in America. (Applause)

We have watched our friends and lovers die, but we have not given up hope. Gay men and Lesbians created community health clinics, provided educational materials, opened food kitchens, and held the hands of the dying in hospices. The Gay and Lesbian community is an American family in the best sense of the word. (Applause)

President Bush, we are a million points of light; you are just too morally blind to see us. Mr. President, you don't see AIDS for what it is - it's a crisis in public health that demands medical experts, not moral judges - and it's time to move beyond your politics of denial, division and death. It's time to move George Bush out of the White House. (Applause)

We need a President who will take action, a President strong enough to take on the insurance companies that drop people with the HIV virus, a President courageous enough to take on the drug companies who drive AIDS patients into poverty and deny them lifesaving medicine. And we need a President who isn't terrified of the word "condom." (Applause)

Every single person with AIDS is someone worthy of caring for. After all, we are your sons and daughters, fathers and mothers. We are doctors and lawyers, folks in the military, ministers and priests and rabbis. We are Democrats, and yes, Mr. President, Republicans. We are part of the American family and, Mr. President, your family has AIDS and we're dying and you're doing nothing about it. (Applause)

Listen. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. But I don't want to live in an America where the President sees me as the enemy. I can face dying because of a disease, but not because of politics.

So I stand here tonight in support of Bill Clinton, a man who sees the value in each and every member of the American family. And although I am a person with AIDS, I am a person with hope, because I know how different my life and all our lives could be if I could call my boss Mr. President.

Martin Luther King once said that our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Fifty thousands people took to the streets in New York today because they will no longer be silent about AIDS. (Applause)

Their actions give me hope. All of you came here tonight; millions more are watching in America. Obviously, we have hope and hope gives me the chance of life. I think it's really important to understand that this year, more than any other year, we must vote as if our life depends on it. Mine does; your could - and we all have so much to live for. Thank you.

(Standing ovation)

Act Up. Fight Back. Fight AIDS. Thank you.

Please don't tell me I'm becoming one of "those" people

2007-05-21T08:46:00.000-05:00

Wow. I've been working for the Public Defender for too long... My distrust of all things "institutional" is growing.

Last night I went to a "screening" with my roommate of the Extreme Home Makeover that aired, which featured her non-profit, Camp Heartland. It was a really nice testament to the work that they do, and helped focus on some of the shocking discrimination that still occurs against people with HIV. The ignorance that continues to exist on these issues still amazes me (and, true enough, one of the people at this party, as nice as he was, asked at a point, "So, how is HIV spread?").

But at a certain part of the show, a teenager started to speak about how she was kicked out of her CHURCH on EASTER by her pastor. Holy Lord. While I was also kicked out of a church in my youth, having it done because of a disease you are already suffering with somehow makes it seem so much worse. And yet why? I was just reading this blog post (try to read it and NOT get sucked into the comments...) about the cruelty of growing up gay in fundamentalist families.

One of the guys I mentored in college as he came out grew up in a family like that. He was terrified of what being gay meant for his soul. When this article was published in our student paper, he contacted me for guidance. After he started to come out, and was doing rather well with the process, his evangelical pastor kicked him out in front of the whole congregation at their summer picnic, the event where he knew that this young man would set the best "example" for everyone else in the flock. Why this even shocks me though is beyond me. The Catholic Church is still forbidding contraception in Africa, because it can't see past its own nose on "birth control." So it is letting people die.

How quickly faith and reason get lost in religion.

And then, this morning, I was listening to this story on Slate.com about the American Center for Voting Rights. It essentially was this fake advocacy group that used anecdotal (and often false) evidence to push forward legislation to stem the tide of big-bad-voter-fraud that was overtaking our country. Except, there was no such epidemic, and the advocacy group, low and behold, was serving as an instrument of the GOP, targeting Democratic districts to pass laws that would largely disenfranchise Dem voters (poor, elderly, and/or minority). This also ties in nicely with the Justice Department firings of AGs who wouldn't pursue cases of voter fraud against Dem candidates, particularly because those AGs didn't think there were merits to the cases.

So here, once again, it seems that we have the GOP trying to pull one over on the American people (and largely succeeding) by creating a fake scandal. It becomes one of those "trust no one" societies when even our voting turns out to be manipulated.

The truth is out there. ;-)

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Fire and Rain" James Taylor,
The Best of James Taylor

Dancing Heartbroken

2007-05-20T01:56:00.000-05:00

I promised myself that I would stay for two drinks.

I hate that bar.

Of course, before I could even get my first beer, I saw the Guy. He had talked a few nights ago, and settled everything out. So now... now. Now it was just pure desire to be back in each other's arms. And he held me. Held me in those arms that are like big ol tree trunks. And I just wanted to give in.

We had both had enough to drink to make it excusable. I had been at a Margarita party, and tequila notoriously makes me do naughty things. But tonight I couldn't be that naughty. I just couldn't. It had been hard enough, without adding this. If I took him home, we would be amazing once again, but disastrous in the end.

Since we broke up, I have engrossed myself in every possible distraction. But there I stood, no distractions available, just him and I, and he pulled me close. I resisted. I didn't want to. I kissed him. I didn't want to. But how I wanted to.

He's leaving in less than a month. Got to keep that in my head.

Down boy.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"All Wrong" Down the Line,
Welcome to Flavortown

Tragically Uncoordinated

2007-05-18T07:58:00.000-05:00

You know those times in life when you simply just have to laugh at yourself?

Yesterday I had one of them.

My family's lack of athletic ability is something of legend in my hometown. While my father bikes, my sister swims, and I run, that is because those are things that we can't muck up by missing the ball/fumbling/generally making idiots of ourselves. For a good while in my childhood I had tried soccer, baseball, basketball, even football (eek, that one lasted about two days). Each one a bit more tragic than the last.

Well, some things never change. I went to the gym yesterday with a buddy of mine and followed his work out, just to mix things up a little. A good way in, we moved to the abdominal board, which he put on an incline. He grabbed a 12-pound medicine-ball, and showed me how to do a sit-up-throw-catch exercise. I watched and threw the ball while he did his first set, and then I got on the incline to do mine.

He threw the ball, I started to sit up and *WHAM* the 12-pound medicine ball hit me square in the left eye and knocked me down to the board.

After the tears of pain cleared from my eye, we could only laugh as I said, "Have I mentioned how uncoordinated I am? Sitting up and catching at the same time might not work for me."

Even better was the super hot guy working out next to us who I'm pretty sure got a good laugh as well.

(P.S. I ended up getting the hang of the exercise)

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Fall" Kepano Green,
Valley Drive

Uninsured American

2007-05-16T15:16:00.000-05:00

It hit me yesterday, as I received my bill from the dentist, as the personal trainer at my new gym gawked at me, and as I scratched the continually-present (possibly fatal) spider bites I got in Chile: I am one of America's uninsured.

I just aged-out of my father's insurance this last birthday. And I won't be eligible for insurance with my job for about 18 months (assuming they give me a job).

When I had last gone to the dentist, the hygienist tried to get in my face (get it: "get in my face"! she's a hygienist...har!) about my continuing refusal to floss. "How about for next time, your goal is to floss twice a week?" she proposed.

"How about for next time, my goal is to graduate law school, get a job, pass the bar, and get health insurance, so that I don't have to pay out the nose to hear you lecture me about my mouth?" I countered. She didn't like that much.

Yesterday I went to go sign up for a new gym membership closer to work. The trainer: "You can get 20% off with your insuranc..." I cut her off. "Thanks, but I'm not insured." She was positively aghast. "What are you thinking?" I don't possibly know.

And then I looked online, wondering why the spider bites I got almost three weeks ago in Chile are still itching and how long I should expect it to last. Here's what I found. Gee... Possible kidney failure? I should go see a doctor about that. Wait. No I shouldn't. I should wait til I start seizing so i can go to the emergency room so I won't have to pay.

The honest truth is that I have now found myself among the 46.6 million Americans (that's 16%) who are without health coverage. And it's already cramping my style.

This is why this man horrifies me!

2007-05-16T14:54:00.000-05:00

"In the Republican debate, Mitt Romney said he'd like to see the size of Guantanamo doubled: 'I am glad [detainees] are at Guantanamo. I don’t want them on our soil. I want them on Guantanamo, where they don’t get the access to lawyers they get when they’re on our soil. I don’t want them in our prisons, I want them there. Some people have said we ought to close Guantanamo. My view is we ought to double Guantanamo.'"

Thanks Towleroad.

Counting Blessings

2007-05-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

I just finished writing my Thank You Notes from my birthday. My mother was always an extreme stickler about sending notes out, and, although they are a tich late this round, it has become important to me as well. Sometimes it is less about the action of thanking the person than just generally being thankful overall. Reminds us of exactly what gifts we have received (both birthday and otherwise) and to be grateful for each of them.

To be honest, last year's birthday sucked worse than any I can remember before it. It was a law school thing, and it was just horrid. But this year couldn't have been better. I took the initiative to get my butt to Chile to be with my sister. And let me just say that no one can do a birthday quite like my sister. There she treated me to a deluge of tasty treats, an incredible meal of Tapas in Valparaiso (Poblenou: try the apple and honey roasted chicken or the pork tenderloin with saffron risotto, both amazing!), and her host mother had a little celebration that included seafood empanadas which were incredible! Carey took me out shopping, and we just spent a wonderful day together.

Then, when I got home, my father presented me with a ceramic tile piece he had bought in China with a cool fish design. He took me out for a couple of great meals, bought me a new power drill and a case for my Mac book. Quite generous.

There have been times in my life, ESPECIALLY with my father, that I have neglected everything he has given me (sometimes out of envy for what my sister has received). It's important to see that he has also been consistently generous with me as well.

It was a good birthday. And I am getting more mature (or at least older).

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"When All is Said and Done" Trapt,
Trapt

Republicans and Power

2007-05-15T08:24:00.000-05:00

It CONSTANTLY surprises how much abuse of power we have seen in, around, and among the modern Republican party and their brethren. Be it Haliburton making bajillions off of the war in Iraq because of contracts that were funneled to them by the Vice President (their ex-CEO), or Federal Prosecutors being fired because they refused to be manipulated for political purposes. And now this:

The FBI agent ex-boyfriend of Ann Coulter put a call in to Palm Beach Sheriff's Office to get her off the hook for alleged voter fraud.

That's okay though. At least she's heterosexual.

Officially Failed

2007-05-10T08:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I knew eventually this would happen.

I have grown so accustombed to juggling so many things in my life, and I knew that one day I just wouldn't be able to keep all the balls in the air. (I would make a "balls in the air" joke, but this is serious folks.) I finally hit that point where I neglected something important to me, and there is no longer anything I can do to make up for it.

And for this I must apologize.

Today officially marks the end of the academic year. I am now a 3L.

But around the end of last summer I started an "around the world" beer tour at a local hang-out, where the goal was to drink one of every beer they had in their selection: a total of 80. I immediately decided that my goal would be to complete this arduous journey of hops by the end of my 2L year. I came damn close, I have currently killed about 65 of those tasty beverages, so I have made a good dent in this goal, but nonetheless, this is a failure.

For once in my life I have not drank enough.

I have failed.

Name the Quote

2007-05-09T15:45:00.001-05:00

"There's just so much to work through. Trust has to build again, on both sides...you have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives, it's a long and important process and ... can we just skip it? Can you... can you just be kissing me now?"

Opposing the Federal Hate Crimes Law...

2007-05-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

So, in my continuing quest to avoid studying for tomorrow's exam (God, I hope I don't have to retake this class), I am catching up not only on the work on my desk, but on the blogs that I have been neglecting to read for the last few weeks/months. Among the stories of note was the passing of the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act in the U.S. House of Representatives and its introduction in the Senate. Follow it here.

My first reaction was to be proud that Minnesota’s own Amy Klobuchar was a co-sponsor of the bill in the Senate. I called to thank her office. I further noted that a Minnesota Democrat, Collin Peterson out of the 7th District, was one of only 11 democrats to break rank and vote against the bill. I also called his office and told him what a shitty thing that was. His staffer came back with: “We don’t think we want to classify one violent crime as worse than another simply because of who the victim is.”

Bullshit. I got into one of my biggest arguments ever with my college roommate over this issue: hate crimes affect communities in a way that is meant to ostracize and stifle minority communities through fear. Often, the victim is unknown to the perpetrator except as a member of that minority community. So Dick wasn’t attacked because he was Dick or because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but rather because he is Muslim, Black, Hispanic, Gay, or any or all of the above (perhaps at the wrong time with that minority status). Dick is definitely the victim, but so is every other minority member of his community who has to fear that they could be targeted as well.

But, after looking closely at the bill, I’m not sure that I personally support it. And it’s because I agree with George W. Bush. GASP!!!

Don’t get me wrong, if this bill were coming through the state legislature, I would be all about it. Even though there are still serious flaws (such as the possibility of rape or domestic abuse cases being classified as a hate crime against “gender”), I think that it is a good issue to be pursued at a state level.

But looking at the bill, it would federalize (or create the possibility of federal jurisdiction for) a wide variety of violent crimes. The “commerce connection” needed to qualify for federal jurisdiction is simply that a) a gun was involved, b) an interstate instrumentality (like a highway or other federally funded road) was involved, or c) that either the perpetrator or the victim were involved, going to be involved or could be involved in some type of commerce (had gone to Walmart three days ago). In the hands of an over-zealous federal prosecutor (and let’s be real, have we met one who isn’t overzealous?) this could federalize a HUGE assortment of crimes, crimes which would otherwise be dealt with on a state level.

I hate to let my libertarian, federalist colors show a little, but this is one of those things that can, and should, be addressed at a state level. It is a bit of a reach of the commerce powers of Congress, and something that I truly don’t feel like is best handled by the federal government.

This, ironically, is the exact reason that Bush’s office is threatening to veto this bill: not the gay issue, but the federalism issue. While I agree with that stated rationale, I am not sure it isn’t a smokescreen when compared to the only other two vetos of his tragic presidency: stem cell research funding and the Iraq Timetable Bill. Plus, wasn’t No Child Left Behind just a huge example of expansion of federal government? Anyway… I'm just trying to shield myself from the appearance of agreeing with the moron too much…

Oh... and please don't hate me for voicing this dissent.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Something Pretty" Patrick Park,
Loneliness Knows My Name

Response to Comment:

2007-05-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

I received an interesting comment post last night regarding my sexuality and my faith. Specifically, how I can be a “gay Christian” and what my “defense” is to, well, my life.

First to clarify to the curious reader, “Christian” is not only my faith but also my name. So, at least we can go from there. I grew up in the Catholic Church, in fact almost joined the seminary, but in the end became disillusioned by the Church’s stance on many social issues that I simply think are indefensible. But while I may have stepped away from my religion, my faith is still very strong. (If a discussion on the difference between spirituality, faith, and religion is warranted, let me know).

While I appreciate the curiosity of your question, I’m not sure that I like the idea that someone’s faith needs to be “defended.” While my beliefs (clearly) disagree with many big churches in the U.S., and in fact the church I grew up in, I still believe that faith is a personal belief system that stems not from what others believe, but from what you yourself believe.

As to how I came to become comfortable with my personal faith, it was after more prayer and spiritual journey than I think I even credit myself for. It was through a personal “giving it up to Jesus” experience that was incredibly powerful when I was 17. It was through being kicked out of a youth group when I was 18 after I had come out. It was through daily prayer and meditation while living in Venezuela at age 19. It was through a spiritual pilgrimage across the northern face of Spain when I was 22. It was through getting a degree in Theology at Marquette University when I was 23. I only mention these things so that you will see that I didn’t come to some blithe conclusion that, “God loves me, I am gay, so it’s all good” (although I think there is certainly something to that argument).

My personal faith is also based on much more than what the Bible says. It is based on a personal relationship with Jesus, based on continued prayer and reflection, and finally based on what I have come to know about the existence of God and the world around us.

Someone once told me that hell is an existence in the absence of God. I don’t know if that is theologically sound, but truly I hope to never find out. Much of modern religion will give gay men two options: 1) live celibate or 2) live outside of God’s love. Through my personal journey, I have discovered that the God of the New Testament is not likely to cast entire peoples from his sight, no matter what their sins. I have also learned, as is backed up in 1 Corinth 7:7, that celibacy is a gift of the spirit, not to be expected or demanded of people, but to be celebrated in those who are able to practice it for spiritual oneness with God. I, to assure you, do not have this gift. I’ll address where my sexual practices fall into my faith in a moment.

I will tell you what my personal faith journey has led me to interpret into Biblical teaching, but for a more thorough, complete and, perhaps, correct analysis I suggest this site. As to the Biblical address to the issue of homosexuality, here are my thoughts:

1) Leviticus forbids a lot of things, most of which are ignored by modern society. The person who has forsaken shellfish and blended fibers can be the first to cast a stone at me regarding that scripture. Historically, Leviticus was written not for all of the Israelites, but for a special tribe of priests called Levites. So, even when God handed down that scripture, it was not intended for all the Hebrews, only a select portion of them. It would be like the Catholic Church’s teachings being interpreted to command all Catholics to live in Poverty, Celibacy and Service.

2) St. Paul wrote a great many books (even if you don’t believe he wrote all those credited to him) in the Bible. Honestly, I have a little harder of a time reconciling his scripture than I do Leviticus. However, St. Paul, in all his inspiration, also wrote passages that have been read to subjugate women and condone slavery. He wrote, to my knowledge, three phrases about homosexuality. My final conclusion with those pieces is that they are the “letter of the law” and missing its spirit. They capture that era’s condemnation of Greek culture from St. Paul’s orthodox Jewish perspective, and not the message of the new Church. St. Paul was trying to get his reader’s to live more holy lives. And in the process he told them what he thought that looked like.

From an interpretive stand-point, this all may sound like a weak argument, but I come back to my faith, which is based in the love of Christ Jesus, who chided against the Pharisees for living only the letter of the law, rather than its spirit. I am reminded that Jesus’ message was far less about condemnation than charity and forgiveness. About taking the plank out of your own eye and such. In that light, I find the judgmentalism of the modern Christian church rather appalling.

As for my actual sexual practices, outside the guidance of religion, this has been a bit of a personal journey as well. Would it be best to wait til I have a marriage/commitment ceremony to have sex only within the context of a perpetual, life-long, monogamous relationship? Absolutely. However, one must realize that support systems for such a decision by a gay person do not exist. That is, however, only an excuse, and I realize that my sexual encounters outside of a loving, committed relationship are sinful. Just as are those of any other Christian, heterosexual or otherwise, who falls to that temptation.

I was making a spiritual pilgrimage across Spain when I found in my prayer book a prayer for forgiveness for a “disordered” sexual life (this, of course is a rough translation of what I was praying). I realized then that perhaps what I needed to be concerned with was not the marriage/not marriage thing, as that was a worry I would not be able to overcome, but whether I am truly treating my body as a temple, or whether I was bringing chaos into life by disrespecting my body by treating it as nothing more than an instrument of pleasure.

Do I continue to have sex outside of meaningful, committed relationships? Yes. Do I admit that that is a sin? Yes. Is it something that I have reconciled in my own personal faith journey? Yes.

I have now waxed on for far longer than I think my commenter would have desired, but I thought it was an interesting and respectful question, and an interesting thought path to take.

Besides, I am still avoiding studying for jurisprudence.

Back to the Grind

2007-05-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

I am (perhaps depressingly) excited to be back at my desk at work. I love my job.

I came back to a stack of work about 8" high, which is actually kinda fun to jump into (Lest there be doubts that I am needed at my job). I got a last-minute research request yesterday for a team that was in trial and needed an answer by the end of the day. Sweet. I love that sort of stuff (I need to get my head examined). Many of the issues I've got sitting on my desk are basic legal questions, that make me feel really smart for knowing the quick answers to them: "Can I bring up the character of the victim in a self-defense case?" "Can premeditation be formed within seconds or minutes, or does it need more time to develop?" "What sort of constructive possession is needed to convict a person of possession of an illegal substance?"

I am still putting off studying for my Jurisprudence exam. It is just a depressing prospect to have to look forward to. I didn't learn a damn thing all semester, mostly because it is a useless subject with zero application to either my professional life or even passing the bar exam. I have about two days to learn some 1000 years of legal theory. Ehh... No problem. (Fuck me!... Aunt Helen! - name the movie).

Beyond that, I tried calling the Guy last night to make one more attempt at reviving the relationship. All I can say is that at least I tried. He seems more intent on staying hurt and upset, which is his prerogative. Not the way I live my life. So, time to move on.

I went to a high-end salon yesterday to get my stomach waxed. My dear friends, stomach hair has plagued me from my youth and has always bothered me, perhaps more than it should. I even tried the laser treatments for awhile. I have a party this weekend that will likely involve me removing my shirt, and especially now that I am now single, it is rather important that I not be a woolly beast. But the reason I bring this up now is this: I had a 5:30 appointment, for which I showed up at 5:35. The waxing took no more than 15 minutes, and I didn't even get any touch-up tweezing. And I got charged $45.

When I graduate, I will have gone through 7 years of education and hold a graduate degree. And yet, even then, (admittedly because of personal philanthropic choices) my time will still not be worth $45 an hour. Let alone $45 for a half-hour. Wow. Maybe I'll just go back to cutting my own hair. Can anyone else see a tragic self-inflicted waxing accident in my future?

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Same" Snow Patrol,
Final Straw

2:30 am resolve, 11:30 pm uncertainty

2007-05-06T23:20:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I go back to work, and so should be blogging on a more consistent basis, given the desk-job nature of the work. I'm seriously giddy to return to work, but that is not quite what is keeping me awake.

The Guy IMed me today, telling me that he had read my last post, and created one of his own. He asked me to read it and get back to him. I wrote back that I appreciated the gesture, but if he wanted to say something, he is going to have to talk to me directly. While I didn't read it, I had my roommate look it over, just to a) find out if there was anything I needed to worry about and b) more importantly let me know if there was anything there that was worth responding to, as in an overt "Im sorry I pushed you away," or something. She said it was tasteful and yet not worth reading since it wasn't written to me. For your edification. (I have yet to read it, so if it is poor judgment to leave this link up, let me know.)

He came by my apartment this morning at 2:30am, and wanted to rehash everything. There has been such a strong part of me that has wanted to just get past all this BS and have him back, and having him in my apartment as I was tired and tipsy, I just wanted to pull him to me: let this be over. And yet, he was asking me to compromise myself with an unfelt apology, to say words that I did not mean, to fake emotion that I would not. So much of who I am is tied to my honesty, brutal as it may be at times. To have someone I care about very deeply ask me to change that part of me for him was not only painful but difficult for me. I stood there, longing to have him back with me, and thought, "It would be so very easy to just say the words." But I knew that I would regret it, and resent both him and myself for saying them. The whole relationship would become a farce.

There was a point were I may have pushed things too far. I told him that if we could not resolve this, Im through. I don't deal with drama well, and I had then spent the better part of two evenings on tending to the hurt feelings of someone who didn't like it when I raised my voice to assert myself. I asked him for my key back. Not to end the relationship, but because I felt like it was already ended. He was closed off to me because of this interaction, and I wasn't about to let the whole thing go on much longer. Maybe I should have. I have a history of ending things too peremptorily.

And now, after hashing it out with two best friends, my father, his friend, I am still not sure where I am with this. I have a couple of options. 1) Try to continue to open an adult dialogue, even if I keep hitting walls with this or 2) forget about this and go to work tomorrow, concentrate on all the awesome things in my life and try to forget how I lost another fantastic man who cared for me and treated me like no one else has up to this point in my young life.

As torturous as it may be, I think I'm gonna try option 1, even if just for a few more days.

It was going to end anyway

2007-05-06T01:41:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with the man I had made my boyfriend, the man I had been dating for about 4 months (note the 4 month period, that is of some significance). The phone call had ended with a loud "Fuck You" from me, and me hanging up on him.

Last night he got mad at me for "raising my voice to him." Nevermind that we were at a bar. Nevermind that he had been ignoring me and asking me to do something that I was uncomfortable with. I had raised my voice.

After he proceeded to pout for the rest of the night, and then ignore me all day today, I finally got in touch with him and asked what was up. He was still angry that I wouldnt apologize for "raising my voice." I told him not to hold his breathe, and that such an apology would never happen. He had been pressuring me to do something I was uncomfortable with, and I'm not one of those people that let's that shit fly.

Later this evening, after even more discussion, he still wanted an apology, and refused to let it go. Long story short, I told him to quit with his superiority complex and let it go. I also made it clear that this was not the sort of drama I want in my life. "Well, you're a smart guy, I'm sure that you can figure out how to solve this," he said. "Cut the bullshit. I don't want to play these games," I said, "tell me what you want, or Im out."

"Out of what?" he said.

"Out of everything," I responded, indicating the best relationship (physical and otherwise) that I have been in in years. "I have no interest in continuing these games."

So... the conversation ended poorly. Im kinda not cool about the whole thing. The only thing that is keeping me from hyperventilating is the knowledge that, one way or another, the relationship was going to end this May when he left the state. There were no two ways around that one. And maybe, just maybe, ending it this way is the easiest way of all: swift and harsh rather than long and belingering pain. Still isn't much fun though.

I will break my way out when it rains

2007-04-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

So it seems that once again I have let it happen. I’m not sure exactly what it is about me that attracts me to these situations, but it is definitely something that I need to look into.

While I haven’t been posting, I have been working my ass off at the Legal Clinic, having varied and wonderful adventures in the Family Law system. I have also been dating someone. We have left it gloriously undefined, although I guess it is fair to say we aren’t sleeping with anyone else at the moment… He’s positively the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated. Kinda one of those “care-taker” guys, but without being overbearing or invasive. We started dating late February with the most phenomenal first date ever, so it’s fair to say that we haven’t been seeing each other long. But true-to-form, about two months in, Im starting to feel for him.

He happens to be Nigerian. He’s here on a student VISA, and had planned to stay in the country getting his education after he left the local college where he currently works. He and I have both known that he would be moving away as soon as the end of April. That is, the end of this month. There was something about knowing that going into things that made we hold onto the hope that 1) if things went poorly, he’d be gone soon enough and I wouldn’t have to deal with any residual ugliness and 2) if it went well, he’d only be a couple of states away and we could play that by ear.

Well, he told me tonight that he found out last night that the US Immigration Services would not be granting him a work VISA to stay here next year. He will either be returning to Nigeria permanently or studying in Europe next year.

Anyone who has known me for 10 minutes knows that I like to fix things. For Clients. For Friends. For Family. And definitely for those I’m dating. But there is simply no fixing this. The US Immigration service is an absolute bureaucracy that is absolutely inescapable. I had already been allowing myself to have those, “What if:” future thoughts about our relationship in which I realized that even if this person was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (and Im not saying he is) that because I can’t get legally married to him in the United States (thanks to Clinton and DOMA) I could never get him citizenship here based on our relationship. I have often felt like the gay-marriage issue was unfair, but never quite so much as the feeling that in order to pursue a long-term relationship with this guy we would have to a) have him come up with some convoluted and involved reason for permanent immigration to the US or b) we move to Nigeria and find ourselves quickly stoned to death for our relationship.

I don’t like those options.

So. Now I find myself in a relationship which I very much like, with an expiration date. I don’t quite know how to deal with that. I slowly find this guy becoming a wonderful addition to my life, and I have to deal with the fact that it will soon be subtracted.

Can't wait til the Bar Examiners Find This...

2007-02-27T14:07:00.000-06:00

Just came across this photo again last night. I think I'll rename the photo "Release from Law School"... But only if instead of heroin or meth, this needle is full of cyanide.

And the most liberal moment of the night goes to...

2007-02-25T22:38:00.000-06:00

Seeing Melissa Etheridge kiss her wife Tammy on the lips while on her way to the stage to accept an Oscar for Best Original Song Written for a Screenplay. For the song she wrote about changing our behaviors in the face of global warming. Melissa then got on stage, and thanked her wife. Using that actual word!!! Oh the horrors! Then, of course, she thanked Al Gore too.

Im thrilled! But I can hear the righties bitching right now about "liberal hollywood."

Maybe they're the ones that "need to wake up."

Thanks Melissa!

A Day with Life

2007-02-22T21:27:00.000-06:00

I spent the day today doing something important. It's funny, because I would so often like to think that the accomplishments of a day are "important." The minutia of law school helps us to lose ourselves in the self-love of what sort of things we can get done on behalf of clients, what kind of arguments we can make, what kind of battles we can win.

And today I blew all of that stuff off. I skipped most of the day's various obligations because a friend needed me. I called into my clinic and said, "I'm sorry that I won't be coming in. Actually, no. No. I'm not sorry. This is something I have to do." And it was.

A dear friend from school had to endure the horror of her partner going through emergency surgery. Another friend and I arrived at the hospital just as she was starting to contemplate what would happen if she lost this wonderful, dear person in her life. It immediately became clear how I needed to spend the rest of my day.

We didn't really "do" anything. We were just there. It was the only role we really could play. And yet it was the only one we really needed to.

I learned early in my life that there can be no greater appreciation of life than in the face of death. And there is no greater appreciation of love than in the face of loss. To see my friend anxious and upset over her love gave me a glimpse into the depth of their relationship, and the immensity of their love. I got to be a witness to how two people in this world have come to mean everything to each other in a way that takes my breath away. It gives me hope. Even in this sadness, there was hope.

It's truly amazing with these trials life hands us. They may be the hardest things that we ever bear, but they bring us closer to those around us. Remind us of what is important. And most amazingly they remind us of all the love that surrounds us. Lest I seem heroic or noble or whatever, I was only one of the core group of friends at school that has "been there" for this one. Each offered their distinct aspects of friendship. Whether it was humor, tact, listening, medical knowledge, administrative know-how.... each has supported this friend in their own way. And it fills me with great happiness to know that they would be there for me as well. That this trial, and our response to it, was not just a testament to my friendship to her, but to our friendship to each other.

I feel so blessed to have gotten to do something so important today as just being a friend.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Tomorrow is a Long Time" Nickel Creek,
Why Should the Fire Die? TITLE

Nevermind

2007-02-21T08:51:00.000-06:00

Despite Andrew Sullivan's argument yesterday as to why so many more gays might be Republican if the party weren't antagonistic to us, I was reminded last night of the many other reasons I can't "do" Republican (in any sense of the word).

This reminder came from CityPage's article on the "new" Tim Pawlenty, governor of our fair state of Minnesota. The article details how Gov. Pawlenty continues to gut medical care for the poor, education in the areas of the State that need it most (special education and inner-city, heavily minority areas), and the transportation needs of the state. All the while smiling and claiming that he isn't doing any of it.

One more black mark for the Republican record as far as I'm concerned.

Vote for Rudy?

2007-02-20T20:58:00.000-06:00

A good friend emailed me this blog post about Rudy Giuliani's run for president. In short, could the gay community support a candidate who has fully complied with our exceptions of a progressive candidate on "our" issues, even if he does happen to be a Republican? The entry seems to have a fairly disdainful view of the Human Right's Campaign and its historic support of almost exculsively Democrat candidates. However, the question I ask myself is, "Could I vote for this guy?"

I generally think of myself as a fiscally conserative moderate who in other eras could be considered an independent voter. However in my reply to my friend, I noted that in my entire lifetime as a voter, now going on 6 years, I haven't been able to vote for Republicans in good conscience because I know that doing so could continue to deny me rights I consider crucial to my basic citizenship (let's be honest, if the Scalites had their way, my bedroom activities would still be illegal). But without that imminent threat, could I vote Republican?

I have always found Log Republicans to be laughable. How a gay person can even think about voting for someone who will in turn vote with/for an administration that is deadset on a middle-aged ethic on sexual health and a republican congress that is happy to let it happen, it simply seems naive to me.

But McCain? Giuliani? I would seriously think about it. I'm sure it wouldn't take me too long to remember the other reasons that I vote Democrat, but this would take a seriously leg out of that argument.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Black Horse & the Cherry Tree" KT Tunstall,
ALBUM TITLE

Boston Legal: Gender Compliance?

2007-02-20T20:10:00.000-06:00

Don't get me wrong. I love me some Boston Legal. I think it's witty and hilarious, and legally totally absurd. But as the clip below indicates, at the end of the day with the show it often addresses very real societal concerns, often to an intelligent and ... ahem... liberal resolution.

But there is one story line that is deeply troubling me. It is that of a character who initially came on as "Clarise." "Clarise" was a large black man who felt more comfortable expressing himself as a female. I think that many of my fellow LGBT activists would feel comfortable classifying this character as Transgendered. The storyline began innocently enough, highlighting the difficulties of such a life path in today's world. However, then it took a significantly less educated and progressive turn.

Another character in the show forced "Clarise" to gender-comply and become "Clarence." I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for it to become clear that such forced gender-compliance can only have negative repercussions on someone' s personality. However, the show's producers seem intent on making it clear that by forcing "Clarence" to forgo his wig, dress, and fairly outlandish female persona, the character has accepted a better life. A life where "he" now has a girlfriend, a phenomenally good career, indeed is even trying murder cases (where before he couldn't date and wasn't able to find a job, and then only as a law clerk).

While the clip below makes a phenomenal case about the absurdity of the whole "ex-gay" movement, it concerns me that out of the other side of the proverbial mouth comes the idea that while gays can't be changed, transgendered people can. It makes me so angry that I end up yelling at the television each and every time I see that story line. I hope that the producers fix this dreadful storyline to make it more in tune with what we know about gender compliance. Cause more scenes like this would be amazing:

Dancing Christian, Dancing Buddhist, Dancing Queens

2007-02-13T22:13:00.000-06:00

Haven't posted in a while. Nothing too exciting going on, except at my legal clinic. And everything I deal with there is confidential. Not like, "Oooohhh... this is gonna piss-a-bitch off," but more like "Ooops, I can't become a lawyer anymore" confidential. So.

I went to our Law Prom this last weekend. I was kinda dreading it really, and only went because I am on the team of people that helps plan these events. I thought my date was being reticent about the whole thing, and I was kinda forced by default to hang out with a group I had barely even talked to in a while.

Well, I had a freaking blast. The folks I hung out with are great people, and I was reminded why I loved hanging out with them so much last year. And my date... he was charming, sexy, didn't mind meeting a million law school folks, and we had a blast getting down on the dance floor.

On that point, I give my school great credit. Attending a Catholic law school in the Midwest, I have had to put up with my fair share of crap as a gay man at the school. If I had to make my decision to attend here again, I would heavily reconsider. But at this dance... it was almost utopian. Nobody seemed to give a crap that I was dancing up on a hot guy, or that he was dancing right back up on me. After thinking about the whole thing in the fog of hangover the next morning, I realized that in the 7 years that I have been out and in education, I have never once brought a guy to a school dance. In fact, I can hardly think of an official social function where I have brought a true "date." Admittedly, most of that is the fact that I have been perpetually single for most of my life, but that only made the experience more fun: I had someone to bring to this dance, and then everyone was amazing about it.

And speaking of amazing, the guy I brought is, well, quite something. He's Buddhist (like a for-real practicing Buddhist) which gives him far more depth than most of the other guys I have met in a really long time. Witty, fun, and a great kisser on top of all that. There are moments when I looked at him on Saturday and just felt very lucky to have him with me.

I had met the Buddhist a few weeks back at a party on an idle Friday night. I had found myself at a party with a bunch of people who shouldn't have been drinking, and was kinda in a mood about that, cause that is really not a good situation for me to be put in. I was a bit salty for much of the evening, and finally I had this guy call me out for being a giant dose of negative energy. I went to mentally tackle this interloper on my negative streak when I realized that the guy was totally right. And he was cute. We ended up talking for a while, but when my friends made to leave I oddly told this guy, the Buddhist, that, "Hey, I look forward to bumping into you again." No numbers exchanged, just left it up to fate.

The next morning I woke up and wanted to slam my head against a wall for that decision.

Later that night (this is Saturday now), I was riding around in a limo for a friend's birthday. We were having a blast and ended up at one of the gay bars I never go to (seriously, this was my second time there). And who do I bump into? The Buddhist.

We started dancing there, and may have made out a little bit on the dance floor (I am indeed a classy guy). Needless to say, numbers were exchanged that night.

Sooo... After the dance this last weekend, I officially like this one. I know that in my last posts I have talked about the wonder of being single, and I am pretty sure that it will take someone pretty amazing to make me want to give that up anytime soon. The Buddhist just might be amazing.

Of course now that I have opened myself up to that possibility, the nervous part of me starts to react, and wonder whether "He's just [that] into me." Well, he's given me some interesting indications that he is taking this thing rather seriously (pulled me aside on the dance floor to let me know that he's not interested in children, responding to my idle expression of interest in a family one of the first times we met. My reaction? "I'm pretty sure we are still on our second date.") (feeling that he needed to express to me that he is still seeing other guys). It sounds as if we are still on the same page as far as interest in each other and interest in pursuing the "relationship thing."

Which is good. Very good.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Easy" Barenaked Ladies,
Barenaked Ladies Are Me

Why Dan Savage is my Hero

2007-02-03T10:48:00.000-06:00

And why Mary Cheney is a Hypocritical Whore.

Long week..

2007-02-02T20:42:00.000-06:00

It's Friday night, and I'm still in my apartment, still in my pajamas from last night. This recuperation day was much needed.

This week was truly truly draining. Seems like I was just barely able to keep my head above water. Along with a night out with the Professor on Monday, my computer meltdown on Tuesday (Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks!), and having to buy a new computer on Wednesday, last night I had to deal with some homophobic asshole who tried to pick a fight with me at Bar Review. Oh, the gems that St. Thomas attracts.

Sooo... It's a night in for me. I can get back to the work and play tomorrow. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

One more reason to love Texas

2007-02-01T11:58:00.000-06:00

I have no idea if this is real, but it had me laughing uncontrobaly during my Jurisprudence class. Definitely worth the read, if for no other reason than professional aspiration. Without further adue, a Texan Divorce.

I'm a Mac guy now

2007-01-31T20:03:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to promise that this decision wasn't a direct result of their brilliant marketing and the "I'm a Mac" ads. Although I have been a PC and Windows user since I was 12 (longer than almost anyone else I know), I'm now done with it.

A little less than two years ago my Windows based PC had to be replaced because it was freaking out in a variety of ways.

Last night my Toshiba literally started melting. (Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks!)

My tech savy friend John Roberts then worked actively to "turn me" (which is funny, cause I have been actively working to "turn him" for ages... but in a whole other manner). In the end, the question was not "why" to go to a Mac but rather, "why not?"

So I have a brand new white Powerbook. Its taking a bit of adjustment. I miss my two button mouse with its scroll, and I now need to replace my printer and some software, but the adjustment is moving along quickly. I love the battery. I love the simplicity. It's my new little baby.

And, while I am not thrilled to have had to dump a good deal of money on a new machine, there's a certain reality that there is nothing I could do about it: the melting wasn't my fault, there was no recessitating the Toshiba, and I can't function without a computer. So thank God that my student loans came in and that I am in the privileged position that I can just run out and buy another.

And it was a Mac.

Melt Down

2007-01-31T10:25:00.000-06:00

Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks!

I apologize, but I think that I'm going to be inserting that little tag line into my posts for a while. Tuesday afternoon my Toshiba laptop, a little over a year and a half old, was working perfectly. No issues, no problems, no bugs.

I went to my 6pm Adoption Law class and tried to turn on my computer. No go. No lights, no sounds, no nothing. I breathed hard and tried not to panic. After class I went home and called Toshiba tech support. They told me to plug the computer in, to try removing the battery, etc. I was on the phone with them for about 20 minutes before I started to smell something...

Sniff. Sniff. Burning.

I turned over the computer and saw a quarter-sized portion of the plastic that was starting to bubble. Huh, what?

The tech support folks told me to unplug the computer (duh) and advised me that the motherboard was most likely shot.

I awoke today and went to the "authorized service agency." The guy just looked at it and laughed. Fan system is burnt out and the motherboard is shot. It would cost me about $2500 to fix. Warranty? Ran out in March. So. So. So. I'm pretty much screwed.

Buyer beware... and well they should. You buy a Toshiba, and it may well melt on you two years in.

Literally.

Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks! Toshiba sucks!

Dinner date with a Professor

2007-01-30T11:10:00.000-06:00

I have been working for one of my past law professor's for the past 9 months or so. A friend and I were painstakingly editing his book, and just finished the work about two weeks ago. As a reward for our hard work, this professor decided to take us out.

So last night, the three of us met up for dinner and a Timberwolves game. I was a little nervous. At first glance, this Professor and I have absolutely nothing to talk about. I was wraking my brain for "safe" conversation topics as I sat waiting for our little date. I certainly couldn't go into most of my social life. Definitely not the Cowboy Auction of this last weekend. Not particularly interested in sharing details of my family life... Politics was HUGELY off the board, as he has pictures in his office of him with every Republican President since Nixon. I resigned myself to a night of very awkward non-conversation.

Turns out, my cynacism (and that of a few of my friends) was off base. I had a pretty good time at dinner (although the conversation was little centered on the topics of the book we had just finished editing and on faculty tenure procedures) and then the game freakin rocked our socks off! The seats he had treated us to were amazing, and the Timberwolves pulled out a killer victory breaking the Sun's long wining streak. It was quite the game to be at, and I was thankful for the generosity of the professor.

There was a moment however when I wondered:
"You think he knows I'm checking out the guy sitting in front of us?"

Oh, and to those wondering: we did run out of butter.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" Scissor Sisters,
Ta-Dah!

City Mouse and Country Mouse

2007-01-28T16:38:00.000-06:00

We got to the Cowboy Auction at 5pm. My roommate, in all her glory, was pimping me out for yet another event for her nonprofit. As she works for a truly admirable cause, I'm always happy to play along, and have had some truly cool experiences through her.

Well, I was on the Auction Block, and was a little nervous about it. I had slept fitfully the night before (although oddly for that uneasy sleep lasted for about 14 hours). I had had a very odd "stress-dream" about the whole thing. I'd describe it if I could. I had also not had a chance to eat much that day, so I was starved by the time we got to the auction. I grabbed a free bowl of chili and started taking on the Beer Bust. I figured I needed something to help the nerves. And it did. (if you havent figured it out yet, the lack of good sleep, the not eating and the quick drinking added up to some questionable decisions... questionable but fun...)

I made a concerted effort to introduce myself to the other cowpolk, as I was one of the only outsiders being auctioned off. Along the way I met a gentleman who was, well, quite taken with me. Well, I continued to make my rounds, and met some genuinely nice people. After about two hours of drinking, the auction was good to start. I was third up, and I watched as the first two candidates got only moderate attention standing on a low-stage tucked into the corner of the bar. Well, nobody puts Baby in the Corner. When my time came around, I jumped right up on the bar in the center of everything.

With the first two Auctionees, the Caller started with bids of about $25. Much to my surprise, as soon as I jumped up on the bar, she started at $200!!! Well, after a short bout of bidding, I was up to $350. Which turned out to be the second highest amount of the evening. (and I must say I was proud to hit that while maintaining my dignity... no nipple-clamps, ball-gag, kilt or stripping for me... I got that money through charm and style) (don't burst my bubble... let me think that for a while).

Well, the night was a blast, and I ended up a) accidentally winning another "Cowboy" for $125; b) getting into a fight with a guy who kept grabbing my ass, and then the guy who threatened to kick me out for standing up for myself (Hi. Drama. This is Christian. Why don't you two hang out for a while?); c) going to White Castle with my roommate, a drag queen, and a pig farmer; d) going home with said pig farmer; e) all of the above.

Lest anyone get the wrong impression, I had a really good time with the Pig Farmer. In fact it wasn't until the next morning when I awoke in a trailer park and he was pillow-talking about fertilizing sows that I realized just what a cultural juxtaposition I had drunkenly stumbled into. These guys (the drag queen, his partner, and the farmer) were such absolutely wonderful guys, but truly cut from a different cloth of life. It was quite fun hanging out with them and getting a little taste of a whole other culture.

So I count Saturday night as a success: I went home with one Cowboy, was "bought" for a date with another, and "bought" my own date for a third. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"This River is Wild" The Killers,
Sam's Town

50 First Dates

2007-01-27T10:18:00.000-06:00

This semester seems like it is going to be a bit easier than the past three. I no longer fear my classes, professors, or classmates, and since I am not technically working this semester at a paying job, my days tend to be a lot shorter. This has afforded me the opportunity to cook like crazy (this last week: Cherry-Glazed tenderloins, Three-Mustard Chicken, Indonesian Peanut Chicken, and a Vodka-Bolognese Pasta). It has also given me the opportunity to date.

A lot.

In the last three weeks I have gone on first-dates with five different guys. As one of them later commented, “It’s like dating season hit early.” I guess it’s the mild weather. Reminds me of a John Mayer song.

While the string of “first dates” with few seconds might seem dismal, I have actually really enjoyed the ability to get to know someone, determine their worth in 30-minutes or less, and then get on with my life. (I’m kidding about that last part). I have always thought that the first dates were always the most fun: getting to know someone, quietly peering into the future to see if there would be any possibility with the guy, fantasizing just a little about that prospect. It’s far removed from the actual nitty-gritty of a relationship and also gives you the opportunity to feel wanted and to remind yourself that you ARE indeed a quality dating candidate.

It’s rather funny: when you are single and not dating, you fantasize about having a boyfriend. But now that I am dating, I am not so keen on the boyfriend idea: I’m having fun doing this part, and wouldn’t want to peremptorily latch onto one candidate for fear of missing out on someone more suitable. While this threatens to turn me into a “serial dater” if Nebraska (see June entries) was any indication, I can see a good thing when it comes along. (p.s. I saw him at the bar not too long ago with a really… less attractive… date. That’s always affirming. Even though he still wouldn’t say Hello without a great deal of awkwardness.)

So that’s me. Cooking and dating. And really happy about it.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"St. Patrick's Day" John Mayer,
Room for Squares

Spiders on Drugs

2007-01-22T14:05:00.001-06:00

I hate spiders. But this actually garners some affection. Science is fun!

Dead Mother's Society

2007-01-18T22:27:00.000-06:00

Wow... I usually don't write about television shows, but Grey's Anatomy just hit that one on the head. Amazing.

After my mother died unexpectedly when I was 17, I joined a newly-formed "Grief Group" at my high school. The school counselor had noticed that many students had recently had losses in their families, so he got permission for us to skip class once a month or so and sit around and talk about it. I remember that their were 12 of us. And 10 had lost their mother's in previous year. Eerie.

I don't remember if it was there or later when I was living in Venezuela with a wonderful girl from D.C. who had also lost her mother. But I know that it was there that we officially started coining the "Dead Mother's Society." We actually teasingly ostracized our other best friend down there who had a family blessedly untouched by death. And when another friend lost her mother, we were quick to let her into our club. While we struggled with living in a whole new culture, we both had to address aspects of our losses. There was something about the solidarity to be found in others who you know understand that which is completely non-understandable: death. We were so young, but so mature in that one (limited) respect. We had something. It was a horrible burden while also being an incredible blessing.

Well, in Grey's Anatomy this week George's father died. At the end of the episode, Christina welcomed him into the "Dead Father's Club." And George said one of the most profound lines I have ever heard on television:

"I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."

Seven years out, I still live those words.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"We Will Be Silhouettes" The Postal Service,
Give Up

It's Strep! Where are the Republicans?

2007-01-18T14:02:00.000-06:00

Went to the doctor's office this morning. My throat was so bad last night that I could hardly breathe. Not a fun feeling. I actually had quite a pleasant (and quick) experience with the medical clinic I go to. The doctor took one quick look down my throat, said, "Oh my goodness, that's Strep." And I was on my way with some antibiotics. Sweet. I'm actually already beginning to feel better.

I went to one class, then a meeting, and then was on my way into Clinic, where I saw the Prof. I told her about my diagnosis, and she said, "What are you even doing here? Get the hell out of the building. Now." So, now I have the afternoon off.

With this free time, already feeling better, I started to wonder: Is there anyone I'd like to infect with Strep? The people at the DMV were assholes to me last time I was there... But they already work in a semi-hell.

Oh... Wait... Where is it that they are planning the Republican National Convention? I should go "volunteer" for the afternoon.

Nothing wrong with licking a few phones and doorknobs.

(this idea brought to you by Dan Savage)

Single and Sick

2007-01-17T21:13:00.000-06:00

So I've been dating a lot lately. In the last week or so, I mean. I have had the opportunity to get to know four new guys, and have really enjoyed this new... deluge of quality people. Most are decent friend material if nothing else, but I've got my eye on one in particular...

It's nice to finally have time to make this happen. Because I am on a "leave of absense" this semester and finally finished both editing the book and working the murder trial (motion for mistrial filed) I actually have a pretty easy semester scheduled. Rather decadant to get to take dates, go out occassionally on weeknights, cook... be a normal human being.

I am, however, at one of those moments when being single sucks: I'm sick.

I had to fight off a 24 hour bug last week, and had substantially nursed myself back to health, but then I woke up this morning and my throat was horridly swollen, my back ached, my head felt feverishly warm... Flu. Flu. Yuck.

I know its lame, but the fun of being single is quickly sapped when all you want is for someone to take care of you... Feed you soup, rub your back.

Oh well. Knowing my immune system, I will kick this by tomorrow and life will resume its normality. I have a Happy Hour date scheduled for tomorrow. And possible dates on Friday and Sunday. Hopefully I can get back to it...

Any suggestions?

2007-01-13T17:46:00.000-06:00

Just got home from judging Moot Trial competitions for undergraduate students. Actually quite a fun way to spend the day. I got to dish out some of what I have been taking for the last couple of years (don't worry, I was comparably gentle, even when I practically announced a mistrial this afternoon when one side took a few liberties during closing arguments). Good stuff. (Im such a law geek.)

I went on my first date in ages last night. Pretty cool actually. Regardless of the fact that this guy was pretty damn cool, I simply havent had a real, honest to God date in a really long time. We went to a nice dinner, a good movie, and parted ways. Wow. Comfortable and cordial, and we were sober and everything! Getting to know this guy seems like it's going to be fun.

Im refusing to be "that guy" and so my only thought on it at this point is this: my major social scenes and fun for the past year and a half in law school has been at the bars. Happy Hours with friends, Bar Review with school people, parties to celebrate different things (tonight and tomorrow). I enjoy my social life, and am rather proud that I have been able to sustain what I have this last year or so. But we're not big on the sober activities.

And this guy is.

So my query is this: what non-alcoholic activities does one do in the middle of a frigid winter to have fun and get to know a guy? Bowling comes to mind, but I'd like to reserve the REALLY lame until they are necessary. Any suggestions?

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Give and Take" Kina,
Kina

Law Student's New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-01T13:14:00.000-06:00

To be adopted by all, no exceptions, alterations, extensions, or objections allowed.

I will remember that my fellow law students are human beings and treat them as such.
I will not base my self-worth on my school's US News ranking or my firm's Vault ranking.
I will recognize that the law is powerful and that I can aid those who are powerless, and will do so.
I will make as much money as I can while doing something I enjoy.
I will share outlines and notes freely and without prejudice.
I will act ethically at all times.
I will cultivate at least one interest or hobby outside of law school.
I will party, travel, and relax as hard as I can and as often as I can, as this may be my last real chance to do so.
I will not forget the big picture.
I will remind myself daily that as bad as this might be, I am privileged to be here.

(list care of M at Yet Another Law Blog)

My personal Resolution: "Take the Risk!"

Voices from the Past

2006-12-29T09:37:00.000-06:00

I went to the local gay bar in my hometown last night for a little while with my father (yeah, he rocks) and after he left I ended up chilling out with an old buddy. I did a favor for this guy years back at Christmas, and he's pretty well convinced that I'm the second-coming. We sat and caught up for a while, but it didn't take him too long to get drunk enough to begin telling me what a great guy he thinks I am, and that I deserve all the joys in life, etc. etc. It was actually really what I needed at that moment. Someone to remind me to be patient, stick to my guns, and everything will fall into place (see last post). And let's be honest: it never hurts to have someone rave about you for a little while. I think I need to put this guy on speed dial for when I'm feeling down.

Along those same lines, I have gotten a couple of emails recently bringing me back to my time at Marquette University. As I understand it, I was mentioned during the mid-year graduation speech as the tour guide who inspired the speaker to come to Marquette, and was a shining example of everything Marquette should be. It's a pretty cool thing to be reminded of the mark I left on that community. Plus I finally made it into a Senior Speech.

(Back story: I was originally selected to be the graduation speaker for my graduation, but the President of the University overrode the committee's decision (and a couple of his Deans) because he thought that I was uncontrollable and couldn't be counted on to stick to my speech. True, I had, at that point, recently helped stage University-wide protest of the dumb-ass decision to name our athletic teams the "Gold"... but they had reversed that decision by graduation. Ahh well... I knew what I was risking and I took one for the team in the name of integrity)

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"These Are the Days" 10,000 Maniacs,
Our Time in Eden

Success and Happiness

2006-12-28T23:35:00.000-06:00

In my youth, my mother posted a saying on one of our kitchen cabinets, where it remains to this day:

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."

Lately I have been riding myself pretty hard about what I lack in my own life. When visiting my cousins these last couple of days, I joked self-derogatorily about my inability to find and hold onto a boyfriend. My elder cousins have all paired off and found wonderful spouses. Even some of the younger ones are showing me up in the relationship department. It's easy to look around the room and feel like your whole life doesn't measure up to the glamour of those partnerships.

One of my cousins-in-law gave me a wake-up call though: "Look around this room," he said. "Who among your cousins, or even their spouses, has the job prospects that you have? It seems to me that you are doing pretty well for yourself right about now."

I've had to concede recently that I have sacrificed a lot in terms of social-life and relationship prospects so that I could pursue my goals through law school. I have had to put my hobbies on hold. I'm not as fit as I currently would like to be. And yet I lead a very happy life. I'm surrounded by great people. I have a job I love. I am kicking ass at school (I may have to revise this after grades get posted).

I have long understood the despair that comes from comparing yourself to those around you. I think it is time for me to start being happy with the things I have earned myself, and let everything else fall into place as it will. And have faith that it all will.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Keep it Precious" Melissa Etheridge,
Never Enough

Holiday Break

2006-12-28T11:31:00.000-06:00

I suppose that it's rather obvious by now, but I have been taking a break from blogging while at home enjoying my family. I will be back in the Twin Cities on the 30th, and have a couple posts up my sleeve, but for now I am just enjoying the warmth and sloth of my father's house. Hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays!

UPDATE: The Previous 3 posts, and the following 3 posts are what I had stewing.

Losing my Flirt

2006-12-21T11:36:00.000-06:00

I realized the other day that I have lost my "flirt."

Perhaps it is that I live in an academic and work world where it is not okay to "put yourself out there" and take risks that could damage your reputation. Perhaps I spent so much time flirting from behind the safety of a bar that I can no longer survive without that safety net. Perhaps I just need to grow a pair.

For whatever reason, I no longer seem to be able to approach men. This has been crimping my style for quite a while. I dont want to seem lame, I dont want to get shot down, I dont want to be seen as "that guy," so instead I am not seen at all. Guys continue to pressume that I am straight/taken/intimidating and I miss a hell of a lot of opportunities.

My friend Peter in Chicago tried to teach me some of his style last time I visited him. Its the "Im fucking Christian!" mentality. I guess the idea didnt take. The other night at the fundraiser (see previous post) I struck up a conversation with an extremely attractive eligible bachelor. We actually talked about our inabilities to approach men. And it would have taken just a little bit of guts to say, "Hey, would you be interested in going for dinner sometime." And yet I let him walk away without following through with the encounter.

I found out the next day that later that night he had scheduled a date with another guy.

Then after I was finished rushing around the city today with an incredible red-wine-hangover, I got onto a bus toward home to pack and catch my flight home. I get on the bus, and see this guy with beautiful eyes sitting a bit ahead of me. I can see his eyes because he keeps turning and casually looking at me. At one point our eyes catch and we have "Eye Sex" for about 10 seconds before I looked away. Then I got up to get off, and he got up and stood with his back to me, milimeters away from me. He got off at the stop before mine. I should have gotten off with him, walked the extra block, asked him if he lived around here. Asked him his name. Generally struck up a conversation. Damnit.

My internet bf (dont ask) was telling me about how he hit on his waiter and ended up having great sex as a result. Im less jealous of the sex than his ability to strike up interest from a perfect stranger.

I think if I have a New Year's Resolution it is this: Take the Friggin Risk! It has become apparent to me that the coy thing isn't working out for me, and it is time to let go of some of the safety of hiding behind my ego and seeming above it all. It's not working. It's time to flirt.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"You Still Touch Me" Sting,
Mercury Falling

That Christmas Feeling

2006-12-20T11:34:00.000-06:00

I had just finished up my Evidence exam, and a flood hit me of freedom and excitement to have my semester completely finished. As I hadn't gotten a chance to start my Christmas shopping started, with only a few days left before the holiday, I decided to head off to start checking some things off my list.

Among the gifts I bought were some things for a family I kinda adopted. They were desperately in need of some Christmas cheer, and I had figured out a cool way to anonymously get some gifts for them. So I wandered around Target for near 2 hours grabbing stuff off the shelves and then got to the Christmas stockings. For some reason, Christmas stockings have always been more essential to Christmas even than the tree for me. In my family, the gifts in the stockings were smaller, but usually more meaningful. We always got an ornament, and Santa writes my sister and I a personalized letter that always makes me tear up.

I was fortunate enough to be able to get this family their stockings for the year, and as I stood in the middle of Target, I started to tear up. Staring at the stockings and just picturing the joy it might bring to another family. That combined with the cumulative exhaustion from finals... It was my first Christmas moment of the season.

Later that night, I was volunteering for a fundraiser my roommate had asked me if I wanted to attend. It was this amazing jazz benefit for kids with HIV and AIDS. The work needed of the volunteers was pretty light, so I bought a celebratory bottle of one of my favorite wines, and let the music just soak into me. It was some of the most awesome Christmas singing I have ever heard. And the event raised an amazing amount of money.

It just felt so good to be reminded that, yes, we actually are in the midst of the Christmas spirit. A spirit of charity and good will. There's nothing better.

God bless us, every one.

Who is it that Likes Hillary Clinton?

2006-12-18T11:33:00.000-06:00

Someone needs to fill me in on this. I work/live/love a lot of liberals, and I have yet to hear one person make a solid argument about how Hillary Clinton would be electable. It really has me puzzled. How can someone be the front runner if no-one will vote for her?

The latest Newsweek published a poll stating that "47% of those polled said they would not even consider" voting for Hillary. Wow. And the other 53% are certainly not ALL going to go to her. The Right has had 16 years to drag her name through the mud. Add to that the fact that we dont have a popular vote system for president, and I really don't understand how she can win any states that Kerry lost while even holding those he won. It just aint gonna happen.

I would like to have someone, anyone, explain to me how she stands a chance. Anyone?

Right now, I like Edwards for the win, but Obama for the loss, but a loss to a moderate Republican (McCain or Giuliani). But if we nominate Hillary, I swear to you Mitt Romney will be our next president.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Guilty

2006-12-13T19:00:00.000-06:00

I got my first jury verdict yesterday. I had been working on this case for about three and a half months, and earlier in the day was extremely excited to see the work conclude and ship the file off of my desk. That was, of course, before I realized just what that would mean for our client.

This was a first degree murder trial, which means that when the jury found our client guilty, the client I had sat behind for two weeks, that he gets a mandatory life sentence. They spent just four hours deliberating how this 24 year old man gets to spend the rest of his life.

Setting aside the fact that the prosecutor pulled some dirty-ass stunts on the last day of trial, and that there are some serious "sufficiency of the evidence" issues to take to the Court of Appeals, I just have trouble looking at this guy, who was allegedly the get-away-driver in the shooting, and seeing that he could have no potential value to our community. I know more about this guy's gang history than almost anyone else on the planet, and I know that it isnt pretty. But I can honestly say that I think he is fundamentally a good guy. A good guy that has just fucked up. A lot.

I was asked to sit in on the "exit interview" with the client after the verdict was read. We went back to the holding area and just sat there for what felt like forever. What the fuck does someone say to a guy who has just had his adult life sentenced to a cell, with no hope of parole til he's in his 60s? To not get to participate in his child's life? He was betrayed by friends on the stand who we KNOW were lying to get a deal from the prosecutor. No eye-witness could put him at the scene. And it took four hours to convict. We just sat there swearing to ourselves under our breathe. When it was all over we got up and both gave the guy a sincere hug. A very sincere hug. It was all we could do.

Someone asked me later if this makes me more or less inclined to work in criminal defense. I dont even have to think about it. More. How can I walk away feeling like the system doesnt need more people standing up for defendants when I see it as so fundamentally broken that we throw people away for the rest of their lives?

I went home and exercised as many coping methods as I could (besides the obvious: drinking, which I tried to stay away from). I worked out until my body was wracked with pain. I crumpled, sobbing, in the shower. I cooked for a couple hours, binging along the way on anything I could get my hands on. Then fell asleep watching Elf, trying to think of better things. It worked to some extent.

I wish that there was a happy ending to this one. But I do work in the criminal justice system. Usually not happy beginings and few happy endings.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Crawling in the Dark" Hoobastank,
Hoobastank

Internet Issues

2006-12-13T18:57:00.000-06:00

Just so nobody is getting disappointed out there, I have not fallen (completely) off the face of the earth. My internet has.

I have been super busy with finals coming at me and the trial that just finished yesterday. I have still been writing, but havent had time to post much of it because I no longer am receiving free wireless from an unknown source in my apartment. Sad.

Two Unknown Phone Numbers

2006-12-10T14:58:00.000-06:00

So Saturday night became rather eventful...

I had spent the day at the office trying to get things ready for the end of the trial I am working on, and then came home and started to study for finals, as most of my friends were doing. I was content to drink a bottle of Syrah, cuddle up to a few favorite gay flicks and enjoy a solitary night home.

Then I got a call from an unfamiliar number...

It was the gay republican who I blew off after I figured out that he had some "issues" going on. One of which being that he liked to insult me. The other being an extreme discomfort with "being gay." I hadn't been completely confident in my decision to end things with him when I had done so, and getting a call out of the blue on a solitary Saturday night didn't help me feel much more certain about my decision. Thoughts start to arise, "Maybe I should give him another chance." "Maybe I should have settled for... (insert issues here)." I called my sister, who had been adamant about this guy being wrong for me, but she wasn't around, so I didn't have that fortitude to back me up. All of a sudden my "solitary" Saturday felt a bit more "lonely."

Then I got my second call from an unfamiliar number...

This one from one of my best friends who had left me for Boston. He was *surprise* in town for the weekend and *not surprised* up for going out. "Get showered and shave, we're going out!" Sweet! I miss this buddy dearly, and it was great to see him. Went to a quick houseparty, then off to the Saloon where I proceeded to get drunk enough to take off my shirt. It wasn't that I drank a lot there, but that I had forgotten about the bottle of wine I had drank earlier with my more innocuous intentions.

Ended up closing up the bar, making out with a friend, having a very good night. It's amazing to me the difference that having these people in my life makes. One made me feel particularly bad about myself. The other made me feel like a rock star. I really shouldn't be so dependant on the people around me for how I feel about myself... But I am only human, after all.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:

Minneapolis Gays Officially Boycot Blue & White Cabs (?)

2006-12-01T11:34:00.000-06:00

Well... I suppose someone had to do something.

It was reported some months ago that cab drivers working for Blue & White cab company in Minneapolis had kicked out gay patrons for kissing in their cabs. I did some personal investigation into the matter over the summer, and there is definitely some legitimacy to these claims.

Well, now someone has done something about it.

As a result of the claims, I have personally avoided Blue & White. But now the "Rainbow Transgender Veterans of U.S.A." have started to post papers in downtown Minneapolis asking the GLBT community to officially boycott Blue & White.

I can't, at the moment, recall the exact language of the paper I saw while waiting for my bus, but it was certainly strongly worded.

Good for them. Whoever "them" may be.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Lovely 2 C U" Goldfrapp,
Supernature

Just Breathe

2006-11-28T16:41:00.000-06:00

It is definitely that time of year. With about a week and a half of actual classes left, I have all the end-of-the-semester shit staring me in the face and work (for my actual job) piling up to dangerous levels.

Its all about breathing. Just reminding myself that it will all get done, and that I've managed to get through this far, another week ain't gonna kill me.

One of my favorite lawyers I work for just asked me if everything was okay, and if I needed to talk to "Uncle (Lawyer)?" My response: "No time, I'll tell you later!"

Not whining. I'll make it.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Today's the Day" Aimee Mann,
Last Kiss Soundtrack

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T09:13:00.000-06:00

Deadly Sin for the Weekend: Sloth

2006-11-19T22:35:00.000-06:00

It was amazingly gratifying to have a weekend to myself without any sort of massive deadlines hanging over my head. Rest assured, there's still plenty of stuff to do, but I have no fear that I can't accomplish it during the week. At least for now. I go home to the fam for about a week on Tuesday, so this week seems comically easy in that light.

So I spent the weekend catching up on some of my favorite shows, which is amazing, because I don't have cable, and rarely watch TV in what little spare time I have. But I forgot how much fun some of those shows can be. "Heroes" is definitely a new favorite. And as derided as "Studio 60" is getting lately, I enjoy the Aaron Sorkin wit (although it is definitely the ugly step-sister of West Wing: I'm only willing to consider it because the other isn't available).

What's amazing is the way that I am able to watch these shows. Apparently Im one of the last to catch on, but the networks are offering "On Demand" shows for FREE on their own websites. Limited Commercials. Up til now, I had figured that I had to pay for this stuff on iTunes. And for that price, Id prefer to hold out for the DVDs, so that it is something I can actually have in my hands.

Anyway. These offerings are pretty damn cool. If I had even a single urge to pay out the ass for cable, it has completely diminished: I can get it all for free, at way greater convenience!

I do wonder, however, why these channels aren't utilizing this technology to make them WAY more money... It would be really simple to make users create a username and password, and when registering give all sorts of demographic information... That way they could know WHO is watching which program, but better, target ads specifically to ME. No more AmbienCR, Advil or estate planning ads would be wasted on me, a target demographic that advertisers are absolutely killing for. They could see instantly that I am a 20-something year old man in law school... They would know exactly what to try and sell me: alcohol.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Can't Take it In" Imogen Heap,
Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

"I'll F'ing Break Your Arms"

2006-11-18T01:06:00.000-06:00

Just got home from a house party. It is very nice to finally engage my social life a little bit, and it felt great to talk about social and political circumstances outside of law school.... Fun times. Thank God for helping me make it through this week. The feeling of being done with my Appellate Brief, the last of my legal writing assignments, can only be described as complete and total exuberance.

As I walked to this house party, I was struck by the beauty of the City's lights on the low-hanging clouds... It was fantastic, and, if anything, reminded me of the gratitude that I must have for the higher power that has gotten my through this last week. Anyway... I feel like a whole new man.

And this party was great. Very intelligent people all around. Great conversations on great topics. But at one point a close friend passed out, and one of the guests (one to whom I openly show my animosity as much as possible) tried to fuck with him. I got furious. Dont fuck with my friends. If I could have a motto for my life, that would be it: "Don't fuck with my friends." After trying my best to restrain this guy verbally, I finally threw him against a wall, "I'll F'in break your arms if you touch him again..." That may have been the end of the party, but I think it was well worth taking a stance...

Anyway, Im home, glad to have made it through the week. Glad I didn't get the crap shocked out of me by campus police at the library. Glad.

Best Morning Ever...

2006-11-15T07:52:00.000-06:00

Life is full of those little pleasures.

I didn't quite get 4 hours of sleep last night, but I am walking on air because my Appellate Brief is completely done: about 36 hours ahead of schedule. Wow. That's some crazy shit. Very much unlike me. It feels great though. Wow.

Plus, I woke up to my new favorite crush: Brian Faas.

Before I sound all stalkerish, I have been watching this guy for about 6 months on the VH1 Video Podcast of "Best Night Ever." The podcast rotates the comedians it uses to mock the previous night's television, and Brian is by far my favorite. Not only is he super cute, but he is downright hilarious. (mental note: does he look a little like (Mitchell)?)He's got this corny thing actually working for him, and it keeps me smiling on my trek to work. "Details magazine isn't for gay people... It's for douchebags!" People wonder why I am giggling on my bus ride to work.

I figure, well, I'm attracted to him, so he's obviously got to be straight.

Then I get to work and Google Mr. Faas to find a picture for this post, and discover he has a MySpace page... And I quickly discovered that my intuition was wrong. SEE! I CAN be attracted to gay people! Told you so! And NOW WE'RE FRIENDS!!! LIKE FOR REAL!!! God bless Myspace, and God bless Google.

It's gonna be a good day.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Paul McCartney" Scissor Sisters,
Ta-Dah!

An "I Told You So," -- Eight Years Coming

2006-11-14T09:11:00.000-06:00

On the New York Times front page today was a surprising flashback from, well, 10th Grade. Way back then, I threw a giant stink when the school district was trying to implement "New Math," aka "Core Math." I went to school board meetings, made it into the paper, and generally made very few friends among the math teachers and administrators of the public school I had just joined.

My major complaints were that the new teaching styles and concepts had not been empirically tested, and the students in our district were being used as lab rats. The SAT/ACT tested the traditional styles of math. The entire "Core Math" theory was modeled out of a California trial that had eventually gotten scrapped when the students' test scores started sinking. So our school board in all it's wisdom, decided to give it a try in our district... Essentially we were getting screwed in our math educations. The school district eventually caved and let me take my math at the local college, but I was the squeaky wheel. Not everyone had that option.

Well today I received my due reward. The NYTimes printed "As Math Scores Lag, A New Push for the Basics." Read it if you can (subscription might be needed).

"The changes are being driven by students’ lagging performance on international tests and mathematicians’ warnings that more than a decade of so-called reform math — critics call it fuzzy math — has crippled students with its de-emphasizing of basic drills and memorization in favor of allowing children to find their own ways to solve problems."

“When my oldest child, an A-plus stellar student, was in sixth grade, I realized he had no idea, no idea at all, how to do long division,” Ms. Backman said, “so I went to school and talked to the teacher, who said, ‘We don’t teach long division; it stifles their creativity.’ ”

"Across the nation, the reconsideration of what should be taught and how has been accelerated by a report in September by the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics, the nation’s leading group of math teachers."

"It was a report from this same group in 1989 that influenced a generation of teachers to let children explore their own solutions to problems, write and draw pictures about math, and use tools like the calculator at the same time they learn algorithms."

So... In short. I was right. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay. I'm being mature about this. But there are a few math teachers I feel like calling up right now. "I saw through this as a 10th grader!"

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Snow (Hey Oh)" Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Stadium Arcadium

She loved it when I sang

2006-11-12T09:29:00.000-06:00

Ive been working on my Appellate Brief all weekend, and have made some decent progress on it. It's nice to have the weekend to dedicate to the project. The apartment is quiet, and I am remaining relatively disciplined in my task. This morning I woke, though, with an odd memory. Rather out of place, rather distant, it was the remembrance of how much my mother loved when I sang.

I had always been a bit of a singer. One of my first childhood memories was of me playing on the playground by myself, singing to myself a made-up musical in my head. Later, I put my song to more social uses singing for my church, joining choirs, acting in (actual) musicals, and eventually doing some solo work and getting leads in those musicals. It was never effortless for me. It was something that I always had to work very hard at, even with the easiest music. I was definitely not a natural, but it was something that I loved.

Whether it was pride in her own flesh, or an acknowledgment of her own dreadful singing voice, my mother was truly the biggest fan of my singing. It was something that made her happy. I remember going on a family trip to New Orleans, where we saw a man singing on the corner of a street. Mom prodded, "Go up there and sing with him!" I was sheepish, but the man and I ended up ripping out a jazz version of "Amazing Grace." When we were done, we had attracted a crowd, and Mom was just glowing.

When she died just a few months later, I sang that same song at her death bed, knowing that would be the proper way to say goodbye if such a thing existed. I tried to sing it for her funeral, but could barely get the notes out. This was a woman who inspired so much in our community that her wake took two days, and had lines running out the door of the church. Her funeral was standing-room only. To have that woman take pride in me, take pride in my voice, it gave me something that I haven't found since. The world is full of critics, and Mom was more than just a fan... she was Mom.

I stopped singing when I went to college. Maybe it was that my mother was no longer around to support me in this endeavor. I think it was more the competitive and self-serving feeling that singing started to take on. Singing became part of a career goal, something that would advance my personal interests. It wasn't about sharing, it was about achieving. I lost interest.

Maybe it's time to start singing again.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Landslide" Fleetwood Mac,
The Dance

My First and Favorite Crush is Single

2006-11-09T13:00:00.000-06:00

We all have "the list," right? The list of people who you would breakup with even your most serious relationship to be with. I think you know what I mean.

Danny Roberts was the first one on my list. And I think he will always be there.

When Danny was on Real World: New Orleans, he was one of the first positive gay role models that I saw on television. Take that back: he was THE first. At the time, I was living in Venezuela, largely pushed back into the closet by the machismo culture there, and had little to no exposurer to gay life at the time. Like many others in the closet, I was starting to regress into thinking that maybe "they" were right, and I was wrong. Maybe being gay WAS a bad thing.

Then I saw Danny. Weekly, I would see him having fun, being healthy, and having a solid loving and compassionate relationship. I remember many nights tearing up over the scenes of him, knowing that back home I would find a community, find a man, or even just find myself. The image that he presented, and MTV gets some major credit for this, gave me hope.

Part of the whole thing was that Danny was dating Paul, an Army Ranger whose face had to be consistently covered up to avoid being kicked out of our armed forces. If there was ever an argument against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," it is Paul.

Well, at first today, I was gleeful at the thought that lovable, adorable, funny Danny is single. Hope lives on for my crush. Then I saw the video I have posted below, and it made me remember how special I felt their relationship was. Sad that it's over. There was truly love there.

God bless them both for being positive role models when there were none. If only we all had that strength.

Liberal Enough for You?

2006-11-07T19:31:00.001-06:00

As if you needed another reason to remove power from this despot. This video is dead on.

Voting Shirtless

2006-11-07T09:41:00.000-06:00

I jetted downstairs today midway through re-shaving my mohawk to get voting out of the way before I had to head to my 8am meeting. The polls opened at 7a.m. I was downstairs (the precinct votes in my building) at 7:05a.m... There was already a line around the lobby.

I was wearing a shirt with this logo:

with the word "Democrat" written below. (I had specially ironed the shirt last night... Anyone who knows how much I hate ironing knows that this means Im die-hard. )

Anyway, after waiting in line for about half an hour, I finally get into the polling area, where I woman kindly tells me I can't wear my shirt in there... It's considered campaigning. Hmmm... I didnt want to argue with her, and I wasnt about to leave just to have to come back and wait in line.

So I took off my shirt.

I proceeded to take my time voting shirtless, attracting a bit of attention. Funny, I dont think anyone even noticed my shirt until I had to take it off. And when I left the polling area, I think that the 50-something people in line noticed much more when I walked out shirtless, went to the bank of elevators to go back to my appartment, and put my "Democrat" shirt back on.

That's right. Democrats do it shirtless. And with the lights on. Hot.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Bleed American" Jimmy Eat World,
Bleed American

500-some Criminal Defense Attorneys went into the Woods...

2006-11-05T22:17:00.000-06:00

Nope. Not the start of a joke. A start of my weekend.

My office went on a huge ass retreat/conference this weekend with all of our sister offices from around the state. It was amazing, fun, and very stimulating. It was nice to be around that many intelligent, liberal individuals. There's just something about people who will go through 7 years of education and then take a 50% pay cut to work for the poor. Partied like crazy, and just got away from all the crap that had been stressing me out all week. Granted, I will go back to being stressed out about it tomorrow again, but that's okay. I'll live.

I must pause to pat myself on the back a little bit though. A weekend of booze and professionals, and I managed to not make an ass of myself (regardless of campfire beer fights, pick-pocketing, shaking booty with my boss and firework fun). In fact, I am fairly sure I made a pretty good impression. The more I can strategically integrate myself into all aspects of my office, the better my chance that when it comes time to hire new attorneys they look at my file and say, "Well, we just can't let him go. He's awesome!" One can only hope.

Had some interesting reflections this weekend too. The 2nd would have been my mother's birthday. And the breaking of the whole Haggard scandal, and his background as a man who has made so many LGBT people feel austasized and excluded from Christ's love, well that pulls my mind back to a time when I was kicked out of a faith community in the name of Righteousness. That year I had to do a lot of growing. I learned my strengths and my friends. And that the two are not entirely seperate concepts.

I just watched a gay movie called "Dorian Blues." Not bad for a gay-flick. Toward the end it had a line, "They say a boy becomes a man the day his father dies...."

For me, I think it must have been my mother.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Winding Road" Bonnie Somerville,
Garden State

New Heroes

2006-11-01T20:42:00.000-06:00

As busy as I have been this week, I have found new heros who have brought me inspiration and hope for America.

First, Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) was on the Bill Maher show this last week and if you have iTunes, you really should subscribe to the Bill Maher podcast just to listen to his arguments. He was perhaps one of the most well articulated voices I have heard in politics in a very long time. Favorite part: "Scalia just went into a dither" when we decriminalized gay sex.

Secondly, and on a (perhaps) less partisan note, watching the great dignity with which Michael J. Fox presented himself in the Katie Couric interview was truly inspirational. Here is a man who could, with all rights and with the support of every reasonable American rip Rush Limbaugh a new asshole for his disrespect and audasity, but rather he focused on the issue at hand: stem cells and on his own personal struggle. He took the high road, and Im sure that was not easy. As someone wh ooften gets dragged into the dirt by opposition opinions, I find Fox's conduct to be amazing and inspirational.

What a wonderful view, "You get in your life very few chances to make a difference. If these are the circumstances that make that possible, like I said, I'm grateful for it."

Much Relieved

2006-11-01T20:19:00.000-06:00

I woke up on yesterday morning at 2am with one of those "OH MY GOD, Im not going to make it through this week" panic attacks. I had just been handed an extra 12-15 hours worth of work unexpectedly the day before, an assignment that needed to be completed within an already time strained week. And completed with a partner. AHHH! That and the massive amount of cases that were slowly starting to amass on my desk. Etc. etc. etc.

I did my best to calm myself. Meditated. Prayed. Tried to problem solve good use of my time. Wrote down the issues that I thought were going to be problematic as the week quickly progressed. And things got better.

I got another work team to take the last minute assignment off my hands. Then I stayed at work til almost 9pm to get some motion to the work that had started to stagnate. As I walked home last night in the newly chilly fall air, the only feeling I had was one of deep relief. I had made it. It is going to get better. I am going to get through it all. Thank God, in the absolutely literal sense. The prayer helped focus me. The gift of other team members who were willing to take some time off my hands for the time being.

The next 20 days are still going to be among the most strenuous of my academic career, but I'm going to make it. That's relieving to remember.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Cosy in the Rocket" Psapp,
Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack

Brutal and Priceless!

2006-11-01T09:48:00.000-06:00

Towleroad has posted the companion video to the rather incendiary RNC ad against Harold Ford. The parody ad is delightful. Really not to be missed.

Attacking a citizen

2006-11-01T07:42:00.000-06:00

In the last day or so, I've been reading a lot about Virginia Senator George Allen's staff "roughing up" a blogger who was asking some rather inflammatory questions. Video can be seen here. While the journalist in that video surmises that there may have been some security risk presented by the blogger, the blogger (who also happens to be a law student and ex-marine) states that he only wanted to ask questions regarding rumors about Allen's ex-wife and their allegedly abusive relationship.

Distasteful? Perhaps. Grounds for sanctioned assault? Certainly not.

While my friend over at TJ's Double Play characterizes this guy as "raving mad," I have to say that I agree with the statement from the blogger who was attacked. When the day comes that our government officials can perpetuate an attack on its citizens simply because they dont like the questions that we are asking... It seems a far cry from the country that our founders designed.

Perhaps this guy actually posed a legitimate security threat. I doubt that. If he had, believe me he would have been detained or arrested. Cops dont take that sort of thing lightly. If a threat was made, then the proper response would have been to immediately remove the Senator from the area and have police (who were undoubtedly present given the presence of protesters outside the building) intervene.

More likely? Allen's staffers are on edge about the increasingly dire poll numbers (10/29 poll showing Webb up by 5 pts.), and this Blogger's questions about Allen's allegedly abusive marriage hit close to home, especially for this "Save-Marriage-from-the-Gays" candidate.

Either way, I'd take this blogger's case in a heartbeat.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Hit the Floor" Linkin Park,
Meteora

A Little Journey Makes it All Better

2006-10-30T22:31:00.000-06:00

I had a very very long day. Work is piling up, and I came home just drained to the point of exhaustion. I havent eaten, and I have no food in the house, no desire to order anything, and no energy to cook even the Ramen that I have left... Then my iTunes randomly hit on a Journey song, and my outlook got just a bit brighter.

The song triggered a fantastic memory from my last trip to Chicago. My sister and I completely jamming out to Journey blasting in Dad's mini-van while he is looking more and more perplexed by our strange enchantment at the song... We're not the only ones...

Confused by Time

2006-10-29T18:28:00.000-06:00

I spent most of the day today forgetting that we had gained an hour by daylight savings time. Oops... Then proceeded to get REALLY confused at my office when I couldnt tell if it was 4:30 or 5:30. Anyway...

Just got back from a political function which served as a great networking opportunity with my law school mentor. Fun to meet all sorts of new people, most of whom were very well connected. As a matter of fact, I started speaking with the owner of the bar hosting the function, and he kinda offered me a job. We just got into talking about bar life, and my experiences, and how much I miss it, and he said that he could use someone to fill spots occassionally. God, that would be a blast! I feel like I would be a bit daunted by the skill of the other bartenders at this place, but it would certainly be a lot of fun. Ill just have to see what comes of it. SWEET!

I spent about 10 hours in the office this weekend trying to bring my life back to some semblance of normality after focusing so diligently on the Halloween party. And last night I went to the office Halloween Party. I had quite a good time, and while I felt some seperation from some of the attorneys simply by the fact of my age, I ended up hanging out with the younger crowd and getting along just fine. They even got me to sing Karaoke! I havent done that since I lived in Venezuela! (thats about 6 years Ive been able to get away with not singing Karaoke)

Wow... I keep coming back to the prospect of bartending. Thrilling!

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Stay" Small Sins,
Small Sins

This, Right Now, Is Why I'm Single

2006-10-27T22:28:00.000-05:00

Friday night. 10:30 p.m. I'm staying in. I couldn't be happier about that.

I spent the last few weeks stressing out about planning last night's Halloween party for the law school. It ended up being a kick-ass party, and everything went well, but I was exhausted from putting everything together and literally sleeping in my office last night so as to save time between helping to close the bar at 2:30am and working at 7:30am.

Anyway, my party-mojo is a bit spent. I have at least two parties I could make it to tonight, and was planning on going out until about 20 minutes ago. But I'm relieved as hell to be sitting peaceably in my apartment watching DVDs and listening to music.

I have moments lately when I look at my life and wonder why Im not sharing it with someone else. In the darker moments I begin to wonder, "Is there something wrong with me?" The truth is, however, that I am just not "out there" right now. The dating pool at a law school party is rather shallow (although I did have a cutie handcuff himself to me last night... but I think he is straight). And while there would undoubtably be eligible gay bachelors at the parties tonight, here I sit in my apartment.

Law school is undoubtably one of those things that one must just "get through." And this semester is likely the busiest I will have. I'm weathering things well. Very well in fact. And I suppose that if that means that I have to neglect my social life for a little while for personal sanity and health, Im just going to have to be patient with myself.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"When I Fall" Barenaked Ladies,
Born on a Pirate Ship

Had to Repost: Red State Glory

2006-10-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Josh & Josh:

"If the blue states are sinkholes of moral decay, as right-wing pundits insist, how come red states lead the nation in violent crime, divorce, illegitimacy, and incarceration, among other evils?"

*Nine out of the top ten states with the highest incarceration rates are red states, with Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas leading the pack. Delaware is the only blue state in the top ten.

*All of the top ten states with the highest incarceration of women are red states, with Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Louisiana leading the pack.

*The ten states with the highest number of executed prisoners are red states. Texas, Ohio, and Oklahoma are the top three states.

*The top fifteen states for highest rate of death by firearms are all red states. Alaska, Louisiana, and New Mexico lead the group.

*Fourteen of the fifteen states with the highest rate of suicide are red states, with Wyoming, Alaska, and Nevada at the top of the list. The only blue state to appear is Oregon.

*The ten states with the highest divorce rates in the United States are all red states. Nevada, Arkansas, and Wyoming have the highest rates of divorce.

*Nine out of the ten states with the highest rates of illegitimacy are red states. The only blue state in the top ten is Delaware.

*Fourteen of the fifteen states with the highest percentage of obese residents are red states, with Mississippi, Alabama, and West Virginia coming in as the most obese states. Michigan is the only blue state in the group.

*Meanwhile, eight of the ten smartest states (based on state education rankings) are blue states. Vermont, Connecticut, and Massachusetts are the smartest states. Minnesota ranks sixth. Virginia and Montana are the only red states to appear on the list.

data from: "Red State Babylon", Vanity Fair, November 2006, p.162-168

Beautiful Disaster

2006-10-25T07:43:00.000-05:00

Before I begin my recap, I have to touch on a bit of news: today at 3pm, the New Jersey Supreme Court will rule on whether it is legal to prohibit gays and lesbians from getting married in that state. With less than two weeks until the mid-term elections, this ruling could change the entire face of it. While it would be beautiful to see another court uphold the dignity of same-sex relationships, the result of a positive ruling would devestate the campaign against a Constitutional Amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Wisconsin, the first state in the union where the polling shows that such an Amendment could be beaten. On the flip-side, if the NJ Court were to find that it is within the realm of the legislature to forbid gay marriage, it would be another example of unfortunate jurisprudence, but it would utterly defeat the argument that "activist judges need to be restrained."

I dont know what I hope for on this one. Defeat in the battle for victory in the war? "Beautiful disaster" seems about right.

As for me, this Monday I returned from a week of distractions from all things law and law-related. It started with a staff-party that was just killer two Fridays ago. Most of the lawyers in my office just ripping it up on a Friday night. It was amazing fun, and I had to excuse myself rather early so I could assure that I woke up on time for my flight to Chicago the next morning.

I then spent the next five days visiting with family and friends in Chicago, which was just beautiful. We ate well, and I have always said that I never laugh as much as when I am with my family. (sister: "You know this song is about masturbation..." My father and I both scandalized, "You're a dirty whore!") My sister is starting to date, and that is amazing to see. Granted, Im going to have to knee-cap the first gentleman who breaks her heart, but its good to see that guys are starting to realize how stellar she is.

Hung out with some of my oldest friends in the world last Monday, who accompanied me to a gay bar where we realized we were one friend short of our group of Boy Scouts, all sitting around at the gay bar. The next morning went on a fun personal quest for a shower... Fun story.

Back in Minneapolis I dealt with some drama I had created the week before, which resolved well in the end. Also got to take TWO trips to the DMV to become an official citizen in this State. That was never-ending fun! (more never-ending than fun) Then last weekend I staffed a camp for kids being adopted out of foster care. Simply amazing. I essentially got to spend the weekend playing and roughhousing with a group of about 40 while working with some of the most incredible people I have met in a while. Im pretty sure that I fell in love with several of the other staffers. Just the most genuine, caring and diverse crowd you could imagine. And organically diverse too... I enjoyed the weekend so much that it all has me really thinking about my future in law. I was invited to apply for postition to work at the camp for the summer, and while it would be about the worst career move ever, Im seriously considering it. I suppose that could be another "Beautiful Disaster."

Now that Im back, this week is a bit overwhelming, but it helps that I took the break to get an even keel. Ive had meetings all week that Ive helped to plan on top of my regular schedule, and Ive also been in charge of planning our law school Halloween party which will (hopefully) be for about 150 people. Its been quite a project, forcing everything (including whatever schoolwork I would normally do) to the backburner. I will be a very happy camper when Thursday has come and gone.

In all of this, many of my friends havent seen me in months. Sorry if you are one of them. I wish I could claim it was going to get better. Until Thanksgiving I am so busy I can hardly see straight. We'll hang out during finals?

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Beautiful Disaster" Kelly Clarkson,
Breakaway

Caution: Don't Operate Under the Influence of Anger

2006-10-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

Where did my Zen go?

And my charm with it?

This week I got angry. I let something get to me on Sunday. A wrong that I knew just had to be righted. People had come to me seeking guidance, and I took their issues on as my own.

I am trying really hard not to write off the lessons of this week as "Drink more, Care less," which is, of course, my first inclination. But I think there is a greater lesson to be learned. I got so very very full of righteous anger at this situation that in the process of trying to solve this "great ill" I stepped on a dear friend's toes and insulted her, perhaps overstepped the bounds of a leadership position that I have been trusted with, and might have umm... well... threatened the Dean. Yeah. Im feeling like a pretty popular guy right now. All because I let myself get angry.

It's like this Incredible Hulk thing. People generally find me gregarious and easygoing. But if something manages to get me angry, well, then Im not so much fun to be around. I want Justice, and I want it NOW!!! Unfortunately, 99% of the time, that is not the way the world works. The person who is to blame for the situation I am trying to solve will undoubtably face consequences in his life for his actions (or not). But the situation which I suppose should concern me more is the way that I have allowed myself to become isolated in my anger at the situation. And there is noone to blame for that but myself. I havent let others become involved in the ways that they otherwise might come forward. I havent respected my school enough to at least let them TRY to get this right. They might not, but I guess the greater issue is whether I am going to let myself become lost in the process.

Maybe the lesson here is, "Drink more, but still care in the right way." The irony is that the prayer, reflection and even breathing that I have tried to make integral parts of my life got completely left on the wayside here. And I lost.

Learn this lesson Christian.

Damnit. Learn this lesson.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"The World I Know" Collective Soul,
Collective Soul