Some sage advice:

A note from a friend about this situation:


For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...

I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.

I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.

I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.



This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.

The Ten Percent Rule

I am tired, and sad, and tired of being sad. This weekend was definitely rough. It actually felt really good to get back to Minneapolis, a feeling that I am used to being reversed.

Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.

I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.

There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.

1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.

2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.

3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.

The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.

So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.

I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.

Well, this sucks. Just not me. Someone else.

I don’t even know where to start this… Oh, I know:

First of all, to the wretch of a little man who can’t find his own boyfriend: I have never been so insanely angry at one single person in my life. I truly want nothing better right now than to cause you great amounts of pain, and I don’t know that I am big enough to stop myself from trying if I were to see you out. I considered you a friend and would have never expected you to stab me in the back like this. Are you trying to get back at me because I wouldn’t sleep with you? If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would go and run out in front of a truck. Who sleeps with their friends’ boyfriends? What kind of person are you?

Okay. So arrive this morning after having stayed in all last night (Friday night, no less) trying to get my first memo written for class. Not fun stuff. But I knew that if I wanted to enjoy this weekend with Mitchell, I needed to get it completed. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, packed and got my ass in gear, all the while trying to figure out the best way to buy flowers for him along the way. (all the shops were closed, and the ones at the airport were ghetto… instead I bought him Starbucks). I make my way to Milwaukee, he picks me up, and I notice that his neck is all puffy and bruised… Wait. Those are hickies.

Turns out that I have to twenty-question him to find out that he slept with Al, a friend I had made over the summer. (I am less concerned because it was Al, but I am more pissed that Al would betray me like that). We take a VERY long route home, and try to talk through it. I am way way more pissed about the inconsiderate nature of having someone in the bed the night before I show up and leaving evidence on his body. What the Fuck? This trip meant SO much to me, and I went through great efforts that I would be able to focus on Mitchell during it. And he can’t resist someone the night before I come back to his home? At one point I very pointedly asked him if he had even changed the sheets. Jesus. Now I have to stare at his neck all weekend. I am not even sure that I can sleep with him. I just tried to take a nap with him, and ended up waking up with a heart-pounding rage that I cannot even remember ever having before, wanting to break Al’s legs. It doesn’t seem inappropriate to me at all. Even now, I am thinking about how easy it would be to have some of my MU buddies scare the shit out of him. Some of my old friends would rather enjoy doing that for me too.

I called Justine, then Meg (new law school friend) then Jeff. Thank God for Jeff, because he KNOWS this stuff. He is good at seeing the balance between love and sex, and recognizing what lies between and beneath all of these things. If I had gone to talk to Mitchell after hanging up with Justine, I probably would have broken up with him then and there. “You deserve somebody who will treat you with the consideration you have always had for others. This sort of selfish move is not acceptable.” Good thing Jeff evened my keel. Justine is not wrong. I do deserve those things. But I don’t know that this event indicates that I can’t get that from Mitchell. Maybe I am wrong, in which case I will look back on this day as a very sad omen. Although, I am not sure how else to look back upon it.

I have forgiven Mitchell’s end of it. We all screw up. He and I have a future together, and that is not altered by a night of indiscretion. He feels badly. He knows, and saw, how hurt this whole thing made me. I think his future extra-relationship dalliances will be a bit more discrete. Now I am just trying to wrap my head around trying to feel like normal with him again, like he isn’t used goods. I don’t think I can sleep in that bed this weekend. I just looked at its freshly made sheets, with the knowledge that Mitchell changes his sheets once in a blue moon, and had no choice but to acknowledge what had happened there the night before. Hell, just take one look at his neck and there is no way but to see that I, at least for last night, wasn’t the one Mitchell wanted to be with. Jeff says that 3 weeks is a long time to go without sex. I don’t even want to debate that. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the amount of energy, time and money I dedicated into being with him this weekend, and such a selfish move on his part could have ruined it.

>>>edited for discretion, see file<<<

Can't hardly wait...

Just got done (substantially) with my memo for class. Geez. That was a lot of work. More to look forward to I am afraid. I just had to get it done, ignoring calls and my roommates pleas for a social life. I am extatic about getting back to (Mitchell) this weekend. I can't wait to hold him. I am jittery. Well, early bed, since i have to get up early for the flight. I'll be in your arms shortly baby!

Short of breath

I dont know what's with me at the moment. I just got so sad. I feel like I want to cry. Life feels utterly uncontrolable, and while I try very hard to accept that the universe tends to unfold as it should, I think I just got very tired. Tired of showing the happy, at ease exterior that everyone knows. I guess just for this moment I need everything to be still. To be right. There is only so long I can dodge. Part of me is still shaking from how perfect and calm and thrilling this summer was. I am a bit jarred by being ripped out of that world and set back to the hour-after-hour day-after-day marathon that I have set myself in. It just feels like too much to handle right now.

Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.

Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.

Socialist? Big Surprise.

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (16% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

I am NOT a fan of gravel...

It's Wednesday. And although I didnt have my 9am today, I am tired from this week. It is not that I have been working particularly hard (went to BW3s last night then drank 2 40s with friends from school... needless to say, not a particularly productive evening). I guess we are starting to be faced with the prospect of more and more work, and just when we are getting used to the daily readings as it was. But nonetheless, I get to go back to Milwaukee this weekend, and am phenominally excited. There can be no measure to the comfort I feel being back in a city like I know, with a man I love.

Enough of that.

I just found out the election results for the student government 1L representatives. I guess I am surprised. Not terrifically disappointed, but surprised. It was nowhere NEAR the popularity contest that I expected. None of the cool kids one. Unfortunately I, after so many years as the gangly odd-humored one, am now one of the cool kids. I purposefully did not campaign AT ALL, and just banked on the fact that people know me and generally enjoy my presence, so I figured that would be sufficient to get the votes needed (It almost did too. I came "incredibly close" as the election guy said). Really, if you look at who was elected, it wasnt the particularly cool kids, or the ones who campaigned the most, it was the four students that truly, truly, truly are probably the best for the position. Three out of the four of them I thought about voting for (in fact I did vote for one).

What does this mean? Nothing more than I am still free to enjoy the friends I am quickly making and kep being the "cool" guy around here. Funny though, it looks like I am finally in a world where real merit counts. Cool. I can work with that.

Marquette Tribune: Amendment complicates sex offender legislation

Marquette Tribune:: Online Edition:: Amendment complicates sex offender legislation

USNews.com: America's Best Colleges 2006: Learning to serve

USNews.com: America's Best Colleges 2006: Learning to serve

One day down, how many more to go?

Feeling a bit better today. Not substantially though. Just enough for things to be looking up though. Plus, tonight was a low-homework night. Yeah! We just had our first memo assigned for the end of the month... Fun stuff (not really though). I had an 8am meeting today at the Bar Assoc. office with pretty much all the big-wigs of pro-bono in the Cities. My mentor introduced me to a bunch of cool people, including one lady who could potentially be my boss at a clinic i applied for. Nice. I also had the pleasure of sitting next to Sara, who works for my school. She is the one whose office I bawled in the other day... Yeah, anyway, she and I have become buddies. It is really nice. She relies on me to say all the liberal, sarcastic jibbing comments that she can no longer make because she is an employee. We ended up going to lunch together too... If I didnt know any better, I would think that she needed a friend too. How conveeeenient.

I tried to make an appointment today for an allergist, as I may be allergic to Adam's cat. First of all, my only phone is a cell. And today is the last day in a billing cycle that I have gone slightly over on my minutes. So I was not looking to spend much time on the phone. But of course, the lady on the phone couldnt just get my name and the time of my appointment... Oh no. She needed to get my full info, my Dad's full info, my patient history, my insurance info... I strongly objected at this point, saying, "Can't I just fill out a form when I get to the office?" No, she responded, we have to have this to make an appointment.... Whatever. Then she asked me to hold. I told her I wouldnt. She put me on hold anyway. I hung up. Grrrrr... Stupidity in customer relations. Im going to the allergist that happens to be 7 floors above them. Not good to suck with patient skills when your competition is upstairs.

I have been waking up at 6am to get a work out in at the begining of the day. That and eating uber-healthy, I figure my body is due for a jump-start at this point. Hopefully the endorphines will help with everything, including my sleep cycles. I have gotten far too accostumbed to my mid-day naps.

(Mitchell) had his job review today, and I have been nervous for him all day. His bosses are so abusive, and I would love to see him quit because the job makes him so unhappy. He just found out that two of his employees are pregnant (tis the season I guess...) and his bosses' first reactions were to fire the girls. One of them has been working there full time for over two years. Anyway, I am nervous because (Mitchell) stands up for his employees very well, but never stands up for himself. I hope he gets some satisfaction from this review.

Grandpa starts chemo this week, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. They are thinking though that if this is successful he could have another couple years under his belt. Maybe enough chance for me to really get to know him... That is my whole regret with this whole thing, is that I feel like he closed off to me when Mom died and he has never really been that approachable anyway... I guess now would be the time to make that effort.

I think I am getting the knack of this law school thing. I almost feel as if it's too easy (talk to me come finals). Regarding the (Mitchell) thing one of you wrote about, I totally agree, this may be working out better in the long run for our relationship. If anything, I think it is strengthening how we feel about each other. I went back to Milwaukee 2 weekends ago, and am going back again at the end of this month, and we really are able to value that time together, which also helps the relationship too. It is totally psychotic of me after only 3 months with him, but I spent about 3 hours on Saturday looking at different engagement rings online. SICK!!! ;-)

Monday, bloody monday

My prayer is that I can just make it through this day. I woke up at 5am not being able to breathe and with my eyes crusted closed. Not a good feeling. After I couldnt get back to sleep, I went and worked out for a little while, but had little energy to expend on it. At least I made the effort, right?

I now have classes from 9-12pm and then a meeting at 4:30... Which means i dont get out of here till 5ish. Yeah fun. Hopefully I can get a second wind (it's 9am and I need a second wind. Sad) and pull through the day. Yuck. Not a good way to start the week.

Twice on Sundays

Didnt do much of anything. I think my sickness is catching up to me sleep-wise. But I am finally feeling less miserable. Thank God. I really didnt think I was going to make it there for a little while.

I went and watched Adam play softball today. The point was really to get out of the apartment and meet some new people, but I didnt really hit it off with anyone. I did, however, realize that I could easily join a team next year without embarrassing myself. I talked to (Mitchell) later and he said that we could play on a team together... Either if I return to Milwaukee or... the "other option." The idea of next summer already has me giddy. Is that healthy?

Friday night was mostly centered on me throwing together a BBQ for a bunch of my law school friends. Very Very casual, about 12 people, just chilled and grilled out at my place. It was very nice. I had FAR too much meat, as I over estimated people's appetites. I guess I am far too used to the college scene, where if you offer food, people come in droves with voracious appetites. I had Ted help out with the grill (after which he gave me a shoulder rub... what? not normal straight-boy activity). After everyone dispersed, Ann and I cleaned up and watched and Angel episode and CAMP. Fun night. I was exhausted though... I mean, I cut up my own cheese platter and made my own potato salad. That is some major entertaining right there.

The week had been tough. I think I mainly didnt write because I didnt want to vocalize how negative everything seemed. Kinda a karma thing about putting that sort of negativity into the air. Tuesday, the day that I went back, was one of those days that everything that could go wrong did. Between a 9am call that I had bounced a 5-figure check to hearing that I was rejected from the volunteer position at the Women's Shelter because I am a man (actually its becuase they had already filled the spot, but I didnt find that out until later) and walking into my Contracts classroom to find anti-gay biblical interpretation written on the board and having to interupt the Prof to have it removed. All that combined with feeling incredibly and debilitatingly sick... Yuck. I ended the day by breaking down in the MJF coordinator's office. Great. The second week of classes and I am already crying in the principal's office.

The week got better. With the help of many long distance friends, and bitch-festing it on the phone with (mitchell) I survived. I think the thing is that the stuff going on in my life is small stuff. Small and crappy to be sure, but small stuff. But without the support that I grow so used to in my communities (most recently Marquette) I end up feeling very alone in a world where the small crap is piling up around me. Fortunately though, I feel like I am quickly establishing a group of people here that I can share the little stuff with. I ended up having a meeting with the Dean about the anti-gay thing. He was incredibly supportive, and I held my cool.

Now that it is the weekend, I have just some basic reading and catch-up to do, along with some organizing in my room. As much as it sucks to be away from the boy this weekend, it is really nice ot have the time to just chill and get life organized. Maybe I will finally write those thank-you cards I have been meaning to send.

As for this week, it will be a busier week. I will have to get reconnected to a new volunteer site, I am meeting with my mentor again on Tues (8am!! yuck!) watching the 8th Federal Circuit Ct. of Appeals on Thursday all morning, and I suppose starting a Student Government race. It is kinda funny: going out to the bars and talking with people, various classmates have approached me as "the shu-in" candidate. Between my little "You're Jewish" fiasco last week bringing me certain notarity, and just being a loud-mouth, I guess that I have made a mark for myself already. One girl was talking about how she was going to have to make tshirts and buttons and poster if she was going to "compete" with me. There are 4 spots, and I have actually been encouraging people to run because I dont want to get stuck working with the social outcasts of the class just by default. But there will be no tshirts or buttons. Probably not even posters. I dont think i care that much about winning. To be sure, I would care about the position, but that's a different thing. Anyway... I need to sleep now. Cuddle up to my "versatile pillow" that I imagine is (Mitchell).

Oh... and for my own sanity... reference private diary from this day

Terrific rainstorms

I am in such denial that I have to go back to classes tomorrow. This weekend was such sweet release from the reality of work I have to remain in for the coming weeks. The weekend could be summed up by simply noting the comforting notion of familiarity of people who know you, people who love you and people who can make you laugh and smile.

Just being back in (Mitchell's) arms was enough for me. Seriously, I felt as though I simply couldnt get close enough to him. To hold him, to sleep with him. Friday night was phenominally romantic, not for any particular reason other than we had just both longed to be together for so long. I got some semblance of that feeling when I was living in Spain and I just longed for a hug. This was something like that. I breathe deeply just thinking of being back in (Mitchell's) embrace.

Saturday we were at a pool party with his closest group of friends, and there were moments that we held each other in the pool as everyone else was goofing around. It's one of those memories that you just want to last forever.

I walked into Fluid and I felt as though I was honestly missed. I walked into Caffrey's, and had a deluge of people great me warmly. I seriously had to say Hi to 6 people before I could make my way over to Will who had come up for the evening. Wow... Way to complete a weekend. Thank you to everyone who made me feel special.

On one level, I am an idiot for doing it. It was so phenominal to be back, and now I have to deal with the literal tears of seperating myself again. It is harder this time. Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can at least be somewhat non-depressive tomorrow. Night.

Sanitizing my life

So, I had a classmate of mine want to become a "facebook friend" with me. Awesome. But it occurred to me that my facebook profile had various "gay elements" and a link to this blog, which can leave little doubt. Anyway, if you happen to be a UST law school student reading this, please understand that there is a reason that I have concealed certain information, namely that I didnt feel it time to reveal certain aspects of my life. It is important for people to get to know me for the totality of who I am, not just one aspect.

But on that same note, I am not willing to go so far as to hide things online, or change profiles, or whatever. I think that is just where my limit happens to be. So, please be sensitive with the information you are learning. That's all on that point.


Today is the first day that I feel like I truly can't do this. I dont think I want to do this... I don't know that I am prepared for three years of this. I know that this moment will pass, but I feel like absolute crud right now. I work my ass off just to feel like an idiot in class. Yuck. Granted, I didnt sleep well last night, and I am coming off of drinking too much caffeine during lunch today. But all I want right now is to get an easy job somewhere and go be with (Mitchell).

Going out with everyone tonight is much needed, as is my trip to Milwaukee this weekend. I'll make it through next week. Then the week after. It'll all be fine

I dont often unleash the full furor of my wrath, but I did let go today at the guys at TCF bank. I had just opened an account with them, putting a very large sum of money in an account. I went to access my account online, and it wouldnt let me register... Huh... So I go to a branch office, and it is because the guy who opened my account had misentered my Social Security number. Grrrr... What make it worse, was that I had caught this error when he made it and asked him to correct it. He had not... This was on Monday. I went absolutely ape-shit at the guy at the bank. I think my favorite line was, "So am I to understand that this sort of carelessness with numeric systems is tolerated at this bank?" I made it VERY clear that an error of this proportion would not be tolerated again. The stupid thing was that it was the BRANCH MANAGER who messed up the second time (he had corrected it in one place, but not another). WTF???

So anyway, otherwise things really are good. I am stressed about Grandpa, but dont know what to do about that. I found this AWESOME note taking/organizing software called Microsoft OneNote, and that makes me happy. I had a very pleasant evening last night cooking dinner for Adam and Christina and then playing pool and foosball with Adam while watching Lost. Then had a long conversation with (Mitchell). Good stuff. That stuff is what is going to pull me through.

I can do this.

Things I can and cant control

It is officially Wednesday. This has become the ultimate hump day for me, since it is my longest day of classes. I was in the law school from 9am till 8:50pm last night. Fun times. And I am still (slightly) behind in one class. But nevertheless. I got home and Adam is settling in. Things are still working out great. I made a fajita burrito, had some espresso vodka, and went to bed. My life is lame.

Talked to Carey last night. She is doing okay. I dont know that she is getting as much help adjusting as I got at Marquette. She seems to be making the classic mistake of clinging to hard to her friends in MI. She'll be fine.

Talked to Dad this morning. Grandpa Thomas has cancer all over. No ideas what that means at the morning, he could have days, he could have years. My point to Dad was that the spots pointed out didnt seem to be vital organs (skin, colon, brain lining), so maybe he can last a while before it starts really killing him. Apparently, at this point Grandpa feels fine. I suppose that I am just clinging to any hope that I can grasp at. Part of this makes me feel worse because I have let such a distance grow between Grandpa T. and I. If it was Grandpa E, at least I would know that he knows how much I enjoy him, and how much he means to me. I am not even sure how strongly I feel about that with Grandpa T.

This sucks. I feel worse for Mae-Mae and Aunt Lise than anything else. I guess I just figured that since God took Mom so early, the rest of our family could stay intact indefinitely. This sucks.

banks and bus schedules

Today was my first day of class. It was fine. Just fine. I am not yet intimidated. One class was brutally boring. That may be a problem. I sit with some good people though. I am surrounded by students I hung out with during the orientation. Truly though, a majority of my day was spent taking care of the little details that just seem to creep up on you. I had to go to three banks (open an accoun, close an account >>Good riddence USBank<<, and cancel/order some checks. Meanwhile I had to deal with insurance stuff for my eye appointment, another trip to Target, various University business... Biggest thing was meeting with Sara from the Minnesota Justice Foundation. She hooked me up with the Chrysalis placement working with domestic abuse victims. She is totally cool. Very exuberant, and into her work. She made her comfort with GLBT issues so apparent that I came out to her by the end of the meeting. It just wasnt even an issue. She was like the ideal for an employee dealing with these issues. Anyway, there is some concern that I might not be right for the placement because I am a middle-class white male, but Sara is confident in me, so I will be too. Besides, I just have a feeling about this place. Other than that, I have been procratinating hard-core about tomorrow's assignments. Partially I think that i am just in denial. If I can just make it to this weekend... Probably not the right mindset to have for three years.

Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.

Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.

Entry for May 29, 2005

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. A little scary really, in that I am already behind in my homework. Yuck. Dad has been here since Friday afternoon, and it has been really nice just to chill with him. We haven’t had anything phenomenally big to do, so we have just been cruising around town, having him stretch his knee and me getting to know the city little by little (like all the one-way and restricted streets downtown).

I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:

May 28, 2005

“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:

Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul

Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord

Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)

Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.

And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.

I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.

There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”


As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.

What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.

154 nervous law students

Today is the official law school orientation. I have about 15 minutes to write, so this may be short. I barely made it to the program in time (literally one of the last to walk in) and we heard speeches from the dean, one of my future profs, and another guy (memorable, huh?). Not altogether boring.

Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.

I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.

Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.

Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.

Hand pressed against the wall

Had a heck of a time getting out of bed this morning. When I did I became obsenely productive, baking cookies for my neighbors (a "get-to-know-you" attempt that really comes more from me wanting to splice into an internet connection) and hanging pictures and organizing what is left in the boxes in my bedroom. Now I am sitting in the Law School computer lab tinkering before class in 20 minutes. Of course, I just discovered that I left my materials for class at home. Grrr. Oh well. I would go and get them, but I am just too lazy.

Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.

I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.

Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)

Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!

Goodbye Lesbians, Goodbye love

Here I be.

It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.

The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.

Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.

It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.

im such a psycho

He just called. Aparently he was violently ill yesterday, and so that was why things turned out the way they did. He is thinking he may be developing an ulcer or something... But just talkign to him made me feel so much better about the whole thing. He said that thinking of seeing me tonight is just about the only thing that will get him through the day. This is the stuff, the side of him, that I need to see more of, because it friggin melts me when he is like that. It makes me regret freakin out about all this little stuff. Remember why I love him. Anyway... this is going to be okay.

Drink till you cant feel feelings

The word of the day is hangover.

Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.

I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.

Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?

At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.

I dont orgasm enough? You're telling me!

Okay. I am frusterated. Sexually. And grumpy. Perhaps tired too. I will probably delete this post tomorrow. But I am in a real funk with (Mitchell). It has been forever since he has expressed any sexual desire towards me, and I feel like my advances (and there are many) are constantly being turned down. What the fuck does this take?

At this point, it is Wednesday, and I have been with him straight since Saturday (when we did have sex... but only because I took a taxi to see him after he was too tired to meet me out... this is what I am talking about). Am I a horn-ball because I am 23? Perhaps. But it would help if he just showed SOME interest. I am not ready to go to the sleeping-buddy relationship this early in a relationship. He told me this whole porn thing last night that got me all revved up. About how the ONE night I had to work he had a giant libido. Oh, and another porn thing. We get home, and nothing. In fact he wouldnt even show me the one thing he was flaunting in my face at the bar. I dont get it. I feel like I am being played with.

Christina is in town for a couple days, and she and I came to the conclusion that he obviously needs to want me more. I derive that I need to spend fewer nights in his bed. Now, this is a shitty conclusion to come to 9 days before I move away from him, but at this point I am not getting any anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have been enjoying the easy escape from my apartment and the drama that comes with it by staying over-much at (Mitchell's).

We had our first tiff on Friday about me feeling like I was the only one who was showing any passion for the relationship. It really was more about emotion, but I guess that it also extends to sexual passion. I want to be with someone who wants me. I woke up this morning alone in his bed (this was after he passed out immediately last night after I DDed back from Madison). At first I imagined that he was making me breakfast or something sweet like that. No beans. He didnt feel well. Okay, I can be the good, understanding boyfriend about that... Fair enough... But when do I see the "good boyfriend" in return?

I have never had this become an issue in my past relationships. The sex was always just there. I never had to feel like I was fighting against lesbian bed-death. Maybe it's because I am NOT A LESBIAN! I am a 23-year-old gay male. One who is used to being appreciated for his looks, (dont ask me when was the last time he complimented me on something... the answer might be: never) (I got a hair cut yesterday... not one word from him... come ON! even my straight friends say the "nice haircut" thing... nothing) (aniversary #2) (normally I dont keep track of these things, but they are really starting to irritate me). One who is used to the availability of sex not being begged for. I mean, the number of telephone numbers I get on a Friday night at work... Anyway.

Okay. I Love him. I have said that. I will continue to say that. But this shit has got to get worked out, especially before I leave, because the last thing I want is to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. There is so much I adore about this guy... I just wish that he EXPRESSED those same feelings.

Last night with Brian

Last night was my final shift with Brian. We have been working Mondays together for about a year, and since he is going to San Diego for softball, last night was it. Neither he or I are patently emotional people, but both of us recognized how much we are going to miss working together. We were kinda the perfect mix, being able to laugh and bitch to each other. He and I are SO much alike deep down, and I will definitely miss sitting up after bar close and chatting. Last night we were at the bar until 5am. I kinda have to laugh too, because as much as I am sad to leave, he is saddder because now he has to work with an employee he abhors. At least I know that I will be missed.

I am getting to the point where I am doing a lot of things "for the last time." I know I have been to this emotional place before with Spain, Venezuela, and even back home, but I have spent a majority of my adult life here. The memories I have made in little ole Milwaukee are not only substantial but also formulative. I am trying to make those last minute stops to say goodbye to the mentors and friends that are still around this summer, and I REALLY need to start writing those thank you notes I have been thinking about all summer.

What was really cool about last night's shift (which FLEW by in a most uncharacteristic way) was that I started a "recommendation form" for patrons to sign and add comments. Not only did I get some phenominally flattering feedback which made me feel a bit overwhelmed by the show of support, I must have had 6 people tell me that they had connections in Minneapolis that they would be sure to hook me up with. Brian is talking about coming to Minneapolis with Damien sometime early September specifically to help find me a job with his contacts.If I could just get into a spot for two happy hour shifts a week, just to get my foot in the door, I would be SUCH a happy camper.

It has been a long time since I wrote. I have been all over the place busy, but there has been a ton of stuff going on. I last left off with my trip to Chicago. I had lunch with Justine and we sat and just chatted. It is always so nice with her: it doesnt need to be exciting, we dont have to DO anything, we were just able to sit and be together. I love her for that. She seemed at a better spot emotionally with her job, which made me feel very relieved. After lunch I bought her a jade plant for her desk, and then had to deal with security at her building for like half and hour just trying to get it to her. Geez... But I had nowhere else to be, so it was nice to have that luxury.

From there I meandored downtown and ended up at a Borders where i stuck around while rain started pouring outside. Milwaukee and Chicago have had like zero rain this summer, and apparently it all decided to come down at once trapping me at Borders and then later in a Wrigleyville Cubs bar where i awkwardly stood and waited for John Lynch to pick me up. He and I ended up hanging out at one of the local watering holes catching up and drinking, then went to this AWESOME pasta joint (cheap and great) where Kim joined up with us. John and I were going on and on about Ben Stockwell proposing to Lauren Wakefield, his 8th grade girlfriend. At one point we called Ben and I havent talked to him in over a year, but he jokingly (?) mentioned something about me throwing Lauren a party. I laughed and reminded Ben that I hadnt seen the girl in literally 9 years. That shit is wierd to think about. Ben? Getting married? Who would have thought he would have been the first? The wedding is going to be in Florida this next May. Well, it certainly will be an exciting trip. My thought is that Anna, Sarah, John and I should all take a road trip out there. Our dates can fly. Wouldnt that be unreal?

Anyway, after a fun night that ended early enough to remind me how old i am getting, with an amusing stop at a convenience store, the next day Kim and I went to boystown, just to dick around. Didnt really do anything major, but I had never spent one-on-one time with her before, and it was nice. Ended up eating like fat kids at the IHOP and then grabbing a couple beers at Roscoes.

Next I took a (long-ass) train to Aurora to hang out with Will. Again, as with Justine, we didnt do anything phenominally exciting, but it was just good to chill with him for a bit. He just had gotten a restaurant job, and is already feeling a bit above it, but whatever. It's very temporary for him. God I pray that he gets into the Peace Corp. We went to go see "Hustle and Flow" which was really quite good. The acting was astounding. Good stuff. Some teenagers tried to pick a fight with us outside the theater about literally nothing. Go to bed kids. Whatever.

I woke up REALLY early the next morning so that I could go and spend much of the day with (Mitchell). He had been dissapointed that I had taken off on him for three days, and since Will had to work anyway, I figured that I could still get some time in with my boy.

So, that is my Chicago trip, which brings me to the Detroit trip with (Mitchell), our first tiff, him finding this blog, him saying "I love you" back to me... All sorts of good stuff that will just have to wait. Oh, but that Liz Phair lyric I love is:

Isnt this the best part of (waking)* up, finding someone else you just can't get enough of; Someone who wants to be with you too.





*Being the dumbass that I am, I didnt realize the lyric was "breakin up," instead I thought it was "wakin up." I like my version better. Deal with it.

Yawn... Friday... So begins my work week

Just sitting around. Bradley is picking me up in a few so I can lend him a hand with his moving... I dont have anything else to do, so why the hell not. Chicago was perfect. I was glad to be back home in (Mitchell's) arms when all was said and done though. Wierd how I can miss someone who wasnt even a part of my life only months ago. Anyway, the Chicago update will have to come later, because I need to shower, if only to wake my ass up.

Oh... And Ben Stockwell is getting married to his 8th grade girlfriend. We all are freaking out a little about that. More later.

the same as Ang!

the Cutting Edge (56% dark, 56% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't in and of themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 47% on dark You scored higher than 77% on spontaneous You scored higher than 35% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

It's all coming together (o-staff style)

Well then. An exciting couple of days I guess. (Mitchell) and I exchanged turns being drunk off our asses. More on that in a minute. I heard back from my new landlord about (Abram) living with me. Apparently they cant approve him as a tenant, but have approved him as an "occupant": the exact situation I wanted in the first place. My name is the only one on the lease, but he gets to live with me. Nice. Cindy, from the rental company, is also allowing us to pro-rate the month of August, which is going to save me a ton of cash. Nice 2x. So that is all good news. I got my packet from the law school, with my schedule of classes, bought a few books online, so it feels like I am really going to be going. Wierd.

So then. Thursday night I ended up going out with Derik, and later with his BF Phil. Derik and I started drinking at Woody's at 6pm. Then hit Walker's Pint, then Fluid, then Triangle. We then waited for (Mitchell) to come out and meet us at the amature strip show at Cage (HORRID!!!). The soft-core porn videos that were playing at Triangle were just too much. Anyway, Derik and I had been talking about this "l-word" thing, and he was egging me on just to "go for it." So while I was mediocrely intoxicated at Cage I decided then was the time. I looked at (Mitchell) and said, "I think I am falling in love with you." as tears came streaming down my face.

A couple quick notes: I have only said "love" to one other bf in my life. I have NEVER cried over a guy. So this was a rare moment. To be honest, I dont quite recall ohw he reacted. But later, after he drove us home, he and I were getting it on, and I had to stop and once again confess my love. Again, tears coming down my face... I had made this whole drunken conversation about, "If I feel something this strongly, I shoudl tell you, even if I might be wrong, and even if you dont like it... blah blah blah..." (Mitchell) actually kinda aggreed with me at that point, so then I said it again. "I love you." His only reaction was, "So now you are sure of it?"

I got out of the car the next morning, very hung over, and just kept saying, "oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no." That went on for about 5 minutes. I was sure that I would never see (Mitchell) again. But the reality was that things have returned substantially to normal, and I think we are going to ignore the whole episode for now. He and I had breakfast on Saturday and he was talking about (his) moving to Minneapolis and stuff, so I think that I havent detered him too much at least. And to be honest, I feel a bit relieved to have gotten my feelings off my chest.

I also want to make it clear that I am NOT dissapointed that he didnt reciprocate. The last thing that I would want is him to feel like he had to say it just cause I did. In fact, i might feel it was disingenuous.

My favorite part is that I called Christina Mahady to get her advice (J was at work) and she said this, "You have just rocked my world. You are the absolute last person I would ever think of to do the drunken 'I Love U.' This guy must mean a ton to you, because this is SO very out of character for you."

Exactly.

like some liz phair song

Hung out with Natalie and Nora last night. It felt good to catch up with them and just chill. Felt like old times hanging out at Caffrey's. (Mitchell) came with me, and they really seemed to like him. Good times. Before that I took him to Sobelman's... I missed that place. Justine called while we were there, and I gave herr two guesses where we were. She got it on the first try. Eerrie how well she knows me.

Other than that, the weather has been crap the last couple of days, so I have felt less guilty about reading Harry Potter and rewatching all 3 movies. Got to get my slothiness in now, because I am going to get my ass kicked soon enough! I just got my orientation packet for UST, and it is just a tad overwhelming to have to think about. I bought a few books today online. The rest will have to wait till I get there.

Things with (Mitchell) are still going incredibly. He is still nervous about our trip to Detroit with my family, but I am totally not. Carey and Dad will love him. Less than a month now before I leave. But (Mitchell) and I went on our second date (lol) on Monday, and we went to Mo's for steaks and then sat at the lakefront watching the moon shimmer off the lake. It was wonderful. But during dinner we talked a little bit about orchestrating the long-distance thing. We each try to visit the other once a month. Which means we see each other two weekends a month. I can totally work that. My only concern is still then fitting family into that... If I take all my breaks visiting (Mitchell), how do I work the family thing? Part of me feels like I could spend one semester a little more seperated from Dad and Carey than usual, but I am not sure i want to do that. We'll have to see.

Anyway, that 2nd date was beautiful, and I just felt so... perfect with (Mitchell). There was a Liz Phair song that we were listening to this morning that made such sense... Being with someone who is amazed by you as you are with them... It is usually one sided: some guy very taken with me, and I totally am not feeling it. Very much not the case this time.

Okay, time to move on... I wish I had more to report, but my life is boring. That's all Ive got at the moment... A month now...

He said he'll cry when I leave...

So I lounged around all day yesterday, too lazy even to go get food. I had (Mitchell) pick me up a sandwich from his work. Yeah! Anyway, it was totally just a chill day and at about 10pm, he picked me up to go to a party at a friend's house. The party was pretty chill, just laid back, and most of the other people were kids (literally) from his work. I was just happy that he was comfortable being with me around them.

There is this one poor girl who is SO socially awkward, she just needs someone to take her under their wing. She was talking to me for all of 60 seconds before she spits out that she is "bi." Seemed like she was just itching to tell someone. Unfortunatley, this chick is so awkward (and a light-weight drunk) she is not particularly well liked at work. She is 18, from a po-dunk town, and hasnt learned to express herself properly. What a hard time in life.

(Mitchell's) ex kept calling all night, and turns out he stopped by the house while we were out. I also got to hear about some of (Mitchell's) past hookups with our aquiantances. I was completely cool with all of it, honestly. I just was glad to know, rather than being kept in the dark. Always good to know who has seen your boyfriend's penis, right?

We were all sitting around outside and another friend started talking about his upcoming move, and (Mitchell) whispers in my ear: "When you move, I am going to cry. And I dont do that." I was seriously touched. It was important for me to hear that. I have been taking this relationship very seriously, and he is usually kinda coy about that whole thing. That sort of confirmation makes me know we are on the same wavelength. At this point, the plan is for my last night of work to be on August 19th, we pack up that day beforehand, and then make the drive the next day, partying in Minneapolis with him and his friends for two nights, before they return here on the 22 (the day i start my Orientation). The logistics of moving are a bit overwhelming, especially since different factors keep interfereing with otherwise good ideas. (ie. Will doesnt have a hitch, and I am in Detroit when I could load up Katherine's truck. no good.)

Well, I need to start moving to get on the way for this weekend's super-secret trip. Hope all goes well.

too much fun

Will came to town yesterday, and I had a blast with him. The day started out fantastic, waking up to a lazy day with (Mitchell) and lounging around with him until he had to work at 5pm. It was the perfect way to spend a colder, rainy day: watching the Stepford Wives with my boy. I could have sat there forever with him. He had picked me up at like 3:30 in the morning after I had ridden my bike home from work. The shift had been very high tension, partially because my boss wrote this DRAMA note that was pretty overkill about us using the bar as a storage facility. Sure, I had kept my bike in the basement for 2 nights, but that was unusual. If he had asked me, I would have moved it immediately. Instead we get this note that was way terse. Anyway. Then someone who was a regular in the scene died, so it was like this negative energy filled the bar as the news spread. Brian needed to take a couple minutes, which I TOTALLY respected.

One of Franco's dick friends grabbed my cock as I was coming up from the basement. I reacted farely violently, and made it VERY clear that he was never to touch me again. Anyway, then all the other coked out queens started in on me, and I wasnt having much of it. I didnt react as I would have wanted to, but I was about to lose it. Anyway, getting to go home to (Mitchell) at the end of an otherwise tense night was wonderful.

So Will picked me up at Culver's just after 5pm, and we went to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith with his two friends Katie and Ryan. Fun crowd. Decent movie. Then Will and I went to Mel's and had a really really good night. Just chilled, played darts, drank a lot (!!) and Will even got (Mitchell) to come and join us. That just put this dumb, idiotic smile on my face the entire time. It was just good to be with my old buddy, and my hot boyfriend. Really made me smile.

A friend of a friend who is also going to St. Thomas is allowing me to through some of my bigger things in her Uhaul. Fuck yeah! Dad also offered to give me a good bunch of money to help me move, since it looks like he cant help. I am glad that is all coming together. I gave (Mitchell) the dates of my moving and departure, and he really looked saddened. I guess this is where things get interesting.

I kept talking to Will about the L-word. I talked with my favorite bartender EVER, Hilary, at Caffrey's last night and she seemed to think that because all my previous affections have been returned whole-heartedly, I am safe to say the WORD without (Mitchell) getting overwhelmed. Still though, I think I want to wait until the move. Just cause. Enough thinkin about that.

Nothing else much to report. I am trying to catch up on some news, since i feel like I have been totally disconnected lately. I didnt even know there was a hurricane hitting florida this last week. Anyway, time to go.

Ready to Go

Saw Collective Soul last night with Karl. Then went back to (Mitchell's) house. They had cleaned. Unreal! It looked great. Then watched a "Hide and Seek" which would have been way better if I hadnt just watched "High Intensity" which also focuses on multiple personality killers. Anyway, kinda the perfect night. I stay up FAR too late with (Mitchell) but I dont know that I ever regret it. ;-) For whatever reason, our kisses seemed even more passionate than normal yesterday. I am SO in _______. You fill in the blanks, becuase I cant.

Other than that, work has been a little lame. I feel like I am just treading water until it is time to go. This would be the point when I would normally get bored and quit. I am definitely feeling the effects of no longer being "novelty" around the bar. The flirting just isnt as effective as it was. Ah well.

A little roommate tension. (David) is a bit more neurotic than I think I can appreciate. Whatever... I spend all of 20 minutes in the apartment every week. I am so outie.

I have to go play tennis now. I hope I do okay. No more getting beat by a fifty year old. Ha!

Check me out!

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


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Out of Milk

Got home this morning (yes... I spent the night at (Mitchell's)) and discovered that my apartment is out of milk... And toilet paper... I guess that I havent spent that much time here lately. Its just a place where I nap in the middle of the day, really. Anyway, I should probably go and buy some things for the house.

So, yesterday I was sitting at Jazz in the Park with (Mitchell) and I realized that it was one month to the day since our first date. I ran off to the Metro Mart and bought him a dozen roses. I am not sure how much he appreciated them, but his friends thought it was sweet. Plus, I did it more so that i could let him know that it was important to me.... He also said something to me that meant a lot.

The story is that last weekend I got very drunk at Triangle flirting with Topher and Chad (two of the employees) and drinking Jaeger in a shirt that the owner gave me. The Bag Boyz leader stood us up (again) and so that was a bit of drama. (I quit) Anyway, when I went home with (Mitchell) *and I dont even remember how we got back* I guess that I disclosed to him my "long-term hope" -- the idea that I had been thinking up about if things kept going ideally for the two of us. Essentially: Keep dating till I leave, try the long-distance thing until about December, then have him move to Minneapolis, propose by June... Have kids in two years...

I know, I know... It is absolutely insane for me to be thinking like this. I know that. It is even further insanity that I decided to share this idea with (Mitchell) this early on. But back to last night at Jazz... (Mitchell) brought it up while we were lounging together, and I was a little embarassed. I asked him if he thought it was intimidating. He said, "No, the only thing I thought was wierd was that I talked to Kristin about that in Chicago (the weekend before) and said almost the exact same things." Wow. I mean Wow.

So then, the only other major development is that I almost had an episode of infidelity. Granted, (Mitchell) and I have made it clear that what we have is "open" and that fooling around with others isnt really "cheating" as long as we are being honest with each others. Anywho... I was bartending Tuesday night, and this total hottie came in and he and I started flirting. Hawaiian speed-skater. Real well-built. He gave me his number and wanted to screw around after my shift. Just the thought was making me hard. But I just felt that screwing around on my new boyfriend at this point would just be a bad sign for the future. Fortunately, my boss, Bill kinda saved me because he and I sat around after my shift and had some beers, just chatting. That was extremely nice, and he said some very flattering things that I had never heard from him before. He also essentially asked me to keep an eye out for my replacement. So, I didnt end up calling the Hawaiian until 4:30am. No answer. Well that works out well in the long run.

Then the Hawaiian and I text messaged all day, and I still hadnt mentioned my BF... He wanted me to join him at Summerfest. I ended up going to dinner at Dr. Dempsey's with another friend, who then I hooked up with the Hawaiian at Summerfest. Long story short--- I hooked up a friend and got myself off of the hook. But that was the second time in a week that I had narrowly avoided screwing around.

Last night I was so happy that I could look into (Mitchell's) deep brown eyes with no remorse, with no guilt, knowing that I could hold him close and know I am strong enough for the future. Even while he was heckling me for bedding up with a straight guy the night before... I was proud that I had behaved, yet relieved that (Mitchell) would have been okay if I hadnt.

So, this is my life. I feel like this month is already flying by. Next weekend I go home for Dad's 50th. (Mitchell) might come. I can only hope.

Oh, and P.S.... I was VERY drunk when I wrote that "love" entry.

P.P.S. I am starting to get nervous about the lifestyle change that law school is going to require. And yet, I kinda want to get a blue mohawk just to shake things up.

LOVE

What a simple word. For something so F'in complex that no poet, no philosopher, no theologian has been able to properly sum up the ability of the four letter word to create and destroy people, nations and, well, me.

Speaking in tongues

I had this dream last night that I was standing outside of St. Francis elementary school, and someone tried to introduce me to Tek Pataja, that kid from Faith Reformed, and I ended up pushing him away, jumping into my Dad's minivan. But some guy was following me, and he jumped in after me, and my Dad was driving wildly to try to swing him off, but he ended up pulling me out... And he grabbed my shoe, and all of a sudden I woke up with a start, not understanding why I was so scared, just shaking and in a cold sweat. It is kinda interesting cause [Mitchell] and I had just been talking about dreams, and I told him that I hadnt had a truly bad dream since I stopped dreaming after Mom died.

So here is what I think the dream meant: St Francis and the Pataja family both represent elements of my past that I resent... That I am even rageful over. I saw Shannon Petaja at Carey's graduation. It was not pleasant for me. Mimi said that I need to let it go. I think that is what this dream meant. This anger was chasing me...

Anyway, had some of the best sex of my life last night. It was amazing. Then he and I just talked for about an hour listening to music. Earlier that evening we had played scrabble (i won...) with his friend Karl. I just dont know what to say about this guy. I am still SO taken.

I resolved the issue with the contract I have to sign for the law school. There was no way that I was going to sign away three years of my life to the Catholic Church at large. But the dean is going to alter the contract to say that the determination will be made by him. I can deal with that. He is a good man.

Other than that, life is splendid, restful, and joyful. Nice.

Boyfriend-land is just a short trip up the road from Dating-World...

sooo... it has been almost two weeks since i last wrote. Two weeks of total bliss, to be quite honest. I am actually fairly overwhelmed by how much i am into this relationship. [Mitchell] continues to amaze me, the more and more I learn about him. He is just incredible. I spent this last weekend with him and his crew down in Chicago for Pride. I get along extremely well with all of them, and they have welcomed me with phenominal ease into his group. We watched the Pride Pararde together, drank, smoked, and just chilled. It felt like this wonderful vacation in the midst of our lives, and the irony is that it all happened in just one day off. We left after I worked on Saturday (a fairly good happy hour really, a fun group kept me company much of the time) and I go to work later tonight at 10pm. But it seemed like we were there forever, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I called Will last night to catch up with him and talk about how overwhelmed I kinda feel by the relationship thing. I am very much trying to keep in perspective just how new this relationship is, and the fact that I have known this guy less than a month. Is this just "new boyfriend bliss," or something deeper. The "L-word" keeps springing forward, and I just barely manage to trap it each time. I dont want him to get scared. We were eating lunch today and he mentioned an ex that he "didnt date long"... just 2 1/2 years. SHIT!!! He has been through this before, he has had these feelings before, so he is probably WAY less intrigued by this than I. But I am thinking back at my dating history, and I can't remember feeling this utterly head-over-heels for someone. Perhaps with Tyson. Perhaps. But I have also grown far more sceptical since then. If I were to meet Tyson now, would I just see through him immediately?

The "boyfriend" title happened last Sunday when we were at THREE. We both just got tired of fending off the label, and quite frankly it didnt bother me in the least. Normally, as most qould attest to, I would be already clawing at the cage that that label puts me in. But as Chicago Pride proved, I was compeletly happy being with my boy. I went and hit on one guy, but only to see if I could hook him up with one of [Mitchell's] friends. And when that didnt work out, I was completely happy to go back to my hot little boyfriend. No hesitation, no "if onlys"... I was bartending on Friday and he came in with some friends, and it was amazing to me the lust he inspired... for my boyfriend. I felt so lucky to be with him.

Not to make our relationship sound overly sexual, because it is not. We didnt go there this weekend because we were guests and his friends were everywhere (and it was deadly hot), and we actually took the sex thing fairly slowly. But i enjoy (see, I almost said "I love") his sense of humor, his caring for others, his geeky side, and the way he fits in my arms. Ohhh... and then there's always the hot little shower we took together. Okay, so the fun stuff is fun too. ;-)

Anything else going on in my life? Actually, found an INCREDIBLE apartment in Minneapolis, and am very excited about it. Within 1 mile of my school, very safe neighborhood, 17th floor of a great tower. I am very excited. I want [Mitchell] to come with me.

Actually, we kinda had that "is this just a summer fling" conversation, and I feel much better for it. 1) because he referenced God and his prayer life, and that he had been praying over the situation and 2) because we are both looking at this as something bigger. So here is my fantasy: He helps me move, and we go long-distance until about Christmas. If things are going well then, I ask him to move in with me in Minneapolis... By June I propose, and by the end of law school we have a kid. Good God... I sound like a teenage girl... This is not healthy. Will was very impressed that someone has got me thinking like this, and instead of seeming incredulous, he seemed to think it was an indication of possibility... My God. I want this to be what this feels like.

Okay, I need to stop, because I am going to wind myself up.

Oh, and I bought my first pair of Diesel jeans. $199 at Urban Outfitters. Holy shit. I damn well better like these jeans. (they do look great) Finally got a belt for buckles too. Yep... spent too much money this weekend, but I have been doing really well lately. [Mitchell] and I agreed to stay in an watch movies for the next couple weeks. We'll see how that goes.

Butterflies

Wow... I have had one incredible weekend, extending into today which is Wednesday. Seems that is a good thing. Last Tuesday I went on a date with a guy, as noted in my last entry. Things went very well. I honestly hadnt been on a real date since probably Spain. Long time. I forgot how fun it can be. Anyway, went home for Carey's graduation, and spent a family-filled weekend with her and Dad. It was quite wonderful. I loaded Carey up with gifts, and helped Dad out around the house. Apologized to Aunt Janet for being a jerk at Megan's wedding. Overall, good weekend. Angela came down from Petoskey for a night, and we hit some of the local bars, and it was REALLY good to see her. I totally feel for her being home lonely right now in a new town. Yuck.

So then, after missing my flight on Sunday morning out of Traverse, I got bumped to a flight that put me into Milwaukee at 11am. I then took the bus to FLUID to open at noon for the parade, and proceeded to work until 9pm. OMG, was that a long ass day. I made good money though, and it was pretty worthwhile in the end. Besides, I had called (Mitchell) before my shift and we were going to hang out afterwards. So I had 3 tequila shots to wake myself up (it worked too) and he picked me up. We went back to his place, where a whole crowd of his friends were hanging out playing video games. It was actually perfect for me: I could chill with (Mitchell) without actually having to do anything in my exhaustion. Had three more beers there, and then he drove me back to Renee Row with my luggage, where I proceeded to walk into the wrong apartment. Ooopps.

Monday morning, I woke up to get ready to go with Billie at 9am to Six Flags. He ended up being like two hours late because he missed his alarm, but i was cool with it. I got to get some errands done, and grab some breakfast and George Webbs. Then we took Bill Janney's hot little red Spyder down to the park, chatting in the sunshine. It was good to get some time in with Billie. He is truly an awesome person. Things seem to be going slowly better and better for him, and I think that the change is largely attitudinal. Anyway, almost the entire reason I wanted to go to Six Flags was so that I could be with (Mitchell), and when we got there, Billie and I connected with his friends. Hung out for about 3 hours, had fun, and then we had to head back. Took a nap in the car, and then opened my shift at 4:30. Billie stayed with me literally ALL night, which was cool, cause we just kept chatting, and it helped the Happy Hour just speed right by. When the bus finally unloaded at 9:30 from the park, full of drunken patrons and my replacement, (Mitchell) took me to grab a bite to eat at Flannery's (which he used to manage) with a couple other guys. While eating we happened upon talking about Adam, my roommate to be in Minneapolis. Two of the guys just kept warning me to be careful, and going on about how irresponsible he is, and what a drug addict etc. This totally wouldnt faze me, because I had a chat with Adam about the drugs, but this is probably the 15th time I have heard this conversation. Everyone is telling me not to do this. My gut says that it isnt an issue: it is only a year, he had held down a job, he has always been a good guy to me. Plus a lot of this is probably just catty rumors. But on the other hand I have had SOOO many people warn me...

I slouched through the rest of my shift, fairly tired, but the shift was largely unremarkable (except for Adam coming in), and Brian and I were happy to see the end of the night.

Yesterday morning, I woke up, dinked around a little, and called (Mitchell) to play tennis. He and I ran some errands (coffee, gas and such) and then found an open court somewhere in Shorewood. Found out he grew up in Whitefish Bay, his grandparents are Catalunyans, and they immigrated to Puerto Rico, and his father moved here. Which means I am practically dating a Spaniard. Yeah! On the road, we had the opportunity to help push this woman's car out of an intersection, where it had stalled. I got major good-guy points for urging him to pull over so we could help. I like being that person. Then he coached me through probably an hours worth of tennis beginner stuff. I wasnt horrid, but we did have some laughs as I kept sailing balls over the fence during one of the exercises. We had a good time, and there was just something hot about bonding through an actual activity that didnt have to do with drinking or sex. I think quite a few of my relationships have been based on just that.

Then back to his place, where we watched a Dinosaur special on the science channel (i love that this guy considers himself a geek--it is very cute, because he really isnt) and he got me hooked on a Showtime series "Dead like Me." To cut the rest of the day short, we met his friends for a dreadful movie (but horror films are the best for dates...snuggling) and then dinner. Went back to his place and crashed, after some fun antics in the bed.

So... Here I am the next day, after sleeping soundly with him (which is unusual) and I am completely taken by this guy. I know that probably once every couple of months I have some GIANT crush, but I feel like this is already way more than that. I have yet to find any of the flaws that usually turn me off a guy. He likes to travel, he has had some good life experience. He is confident, but not cocky. He has strong family and friends, and a personality of his own. And most importantly, he likes Buffy. In fact he owns every episode! ;-) How could I not like this guy?

I think my challenge, then, is going to be not to over-think this. Not to over-feel it. Because of the time line we are on, with exactly two months till I leave, it is going to be important not to overwhelm him, or myself, with the possibility that this could be something really really big. Just to enjoy it, take it for what it is, and evaluate how we feel come August.

But as we all know, keeping my mouth shut about all that could be quite the challenge.

Home Again

So, I just spent the last ten hours of my life at an airport. And I had a phenominally good attitude about it, if I must say so myself. I dont know what was going on, but I was trapped in Chicago O'Hare longer than I think was suitable.

But, I am home now, and I just went on a short beach stroll with Carey. I love that kid. Can't believe she is going to be off to college here soon.

Upon reflection, I was telling her how happy I am with life right now. Making good money working hardly at all, have friends to come home to (my new roommates) and I can spend my days getting sun out on the porch. I definitely need to kick myself into gear again working out, but that just seems like a low priority at the moment.

I went on a date with __________ last night. I finally called him, and conveniently enough he was free. So we went to the Oriental (which I love!) and saw Crash (this movie is incredible... a very astute drama about race relations) then out for drinks at Mel's then Woody's. He beat me at darts and pool, and I am hoping that he is going to give me some tennis lessons. I like an athletic man. Anyway, I have always thought that this guy was cute, and as the night went on, he just kept getting cuter! How often does that happen? We ended up hooking up, first on my couch, then in the privacy of my locked pitch-black bathroom. GHETTO! Anyway, I am really diggin this guy: well adjusted, great kisser, giant cock. (did I say that?) And fun to be around.

Turns out that 3 of the 5 roomates had hooked up last night. LOL. I love not having to feel awkward about that with other people in the house. But I can see the top-bunk thing getting on my nerves this summer. I guess if the occasion calls, I can lower the bed to the ground and kick (David) onto the couch. P.S.: for a man with a girlfriend, he sure hooks up with a lot of guys. I feel bad for her. I like (David) a lot, and I usually try to withhold judgment, but that is just not fair to do to a person, making a fool out of them like that. Essentially he is just using her for the image he still thinks he should strive for. Get over it! If EVERY time you get drunk you hook up with a guy, sweetheart, you're gay.

None of my busines though, I just think it's twisted.

Thank You Notes

Another absoluetly gorgeous day. This is a magnificient time to have a balcony. I finished Digital Fortress today. It feels good just to sit and read... What a blessing. I made MAD money this last weekend, between a semi-decent Friday shift, the Bartolotta wedding Saturday, then a kick-ass happy hour yesterday. Let's just hope it continues into tonight. Yeah!

I really really really should be writing my thank you notes for the graduation gifts I got. I am finding all sorts of wonderful ways of procrastinating (as usual). I guess it just seems daunting. I want to thank all of the people that have not only given me gifts, but have given me so much more. Where do I even begin? I guess the notes on my kitchen counter are a start.

There has been so much wandering through my head lately. It is amazing what a little free time gives you a chance to enjoy... Anyway, now that I am somewhat moved into Renee Row, I am starting to scout out apartments for August. Not so far away now... wow... that's a bit intimidating. I just hope Adam kicks his butt in gear. He's gotta be my footman. I have found some fun prospects though. Here's to hoping!

Goodbye #204

Well, I checked out of my apartment today. After a TON of help from Justine both last night and this morning (she was packing and cleaning for me while I was at work and then while I was sleeping off the shift). I have never had such a dedicated and caring friend. And I gotta say that after living in that place for three years, I have never seen it cleaner. Which might be sad.

Anyway, I have packed my storage space pretty much to capacity. It was amazing to see how much we could pack in there. Yesterday was a freaking long-ass day. I woke up about 6:30 to pack the hotel room and get breakfast before Carey, Dad Mimi and I drove to Ypsilanti to meet up with Brian (my ex) at 9am to then drive back to Milwaukee. Brian wanted me to drive much of the way, and I actually really enjoyed being on the road with him. He is a total sweetheart. Then we got back at about 2:30. I continued organizing and packing until I picked up my Uhaul and proceeded to work my ass off with Justine and Mike until about 8pm, loading shit in my storage space in the Valley and then in Rosey (my future roommate)'s garage. Finally, J and i grabbed Chipotle and I went to work. Closing the bar was a bit difficult being as tired as I was, but Brian totally made it easier. He was tired and grumpy too, so we were just bitching and grumbling about people all night long. Misery does LOVE company. I made good money though, so it all worked out. We are going to have to talk to Jared about his alcohol consumption though. There was an incident last night that just about puched me and Brian over the edge. And he is an employee, he shouldnt be doing stuff like he did.

Right now I am enjoying some long-missed internet at Mike's place at Humphrey Hall. I am crashing at his place before I can stay at my new place tomorrow. Till then!

They've all left me...

Well, this morning Dad, Carey, Mimi, and Grandpa and Mae-Mae Thomas went back to Michigan. About 11am Dee came by to say goodbye. Many hugs. About 1pm Will finished getting some of the bigger things into the garbage (that gigantic recliner couch was a giant pain) and just now Justine came by to drop off a box of alcohol before she headed home. So... Here I am...

I think I have been more worried about being lonely than actually sad about my friends leaving. The reality is that I will be seeing all of them again soon, to be sure. But at the same time, there are just things that I want to say, that I dont know that I did. I want to remind Justine not to take herself too seriously. I want to remind Will that he is capable of anything if he gets off his ass. I want to remind Dee that she is the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and that I am simply not deserving of such dedication.

This last week has been intense. I havent written in a while, mostly because I have wanted to soak up what I could. I still do want to live this for a little while before I fully process it. I will certainly have to catch things up, starting with my family's trip to the gay bars last night.

Anyway, my apartment no longer has internet, so I am going to have to compose my messages somewhere else, which is kinda crappy. But I should be set up again in about two weeks. I love you my friends, thank you so much for making my life worth living. You inspire me, and make me want to become a better person, a person deserving of such incredible human beings. More later... as always.

Im Suave... Who knew?

You Are The Suave Gay Man


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