Ive promised myself so many times that I wouldnt write this. But then I realize that in avoiding the act of writing I am being false and only giving this more weight than perhaps I should. I miss him. Seriously, to the point where my chest aches... I am the "break-up guy." Break-up, move on and be over it.
I have been extremely successful in the last few weeks of distracting myself with everything around me. The Bar, my first legal writing memo (just finished it a couple hours ago). But there is still so much that reminds me not just that I am alone, but that I miss him in particular. Songs. Thoughts. Phrases.
I just watched episode 11 of the first season of Sex and the City. Carrie has become all full of self doubt because she is so in love with Big and they have stopped having sex. Gone into the normacy of a relationship. So many comments that she made hit at home. I realized that through this whole thing, I was Carrie and (Mitchell) was Big. Comments just scared me about how things could get so out of my control, and I could feel so unappreciated, yet tolerate it in the name of love. At one point she storms out, waiting for him to come after her. And then to call her. She gets nothing. Been there for sure.
The thing that gets me though is that Carrie and Big do end up together in the end, albeit six years later. I know I am worth more than I was getting. I know exactly what I bring to the table. But there are moments that it is difficult to get past how solitary I feel in my own skin at the moment.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about death. Something like how to truly appreciate life, one must appreciate death, and vice versa. I feel a bit like that right now. I guess I didnt appreciate how much I was in love until I had to walk away and let that love go. And it hurts. But I guess that is how I know it was real.
Perhaps the fact that I was able to love should offer me hope that I can love again. Right now I just want the (Mitchell) back that I fell in love with.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
moment of panic and the UCC
I have been having a really good couple of days. I received the glorious blessing on Sunday of an extensioin on my legal writing memo till Friday, which made work more relax and my life a lot less harried.
Work at the bar has become much more leisurely, as I have grown to get to know the staff and the way things run. When you get down to it, a bar is a bar, a martini is a martini. The computer system was the worst learning curve, and I quickly have become acostumbed to that. Oh... And the money is terrific.
I seemed to misplace my cell phone yesterday, but I refused to get out-of-whack about it... I had a very limited area of space I could have lost it in, so i figured it would turn up. I got an email this morning though from a law-school administrator telling me to call my father. I pretty much freaked out. I ran out of the class room, figuring that my Grandfather had died, and Dad was trying to get ahold of me to let me know... Actually, the Uof M campus had found my phone in their parking lot and called the "Dad" entry. Pheewww. That had me worried.
The reason that I was at the U in the first place was that I went to a Same-Sex Marriage debate at their law school. It was quite interesting really, and I ended up making a "contractual model" argument for marriage in the face of the two models offered up. The Defense Alliance guy (anti-SSM) said that the courts have never granted the right to "marry whomever you want," (the companionship model of marriage) but rather that the State Interest in marriage lies in the foundation of stable familes for the burden of child-rearing. Since SSM fundamentally doesnt have the burden of child-rearing, there is no state interest in it.
Interesting argument, really... Except it forgets that Marriage is largely a contract. In the "Contract Model" I proposed, the state has an extremely large interest in stabilizing and establishing the union of two people who own property and accounts, may have children, and have entered into life-long partnerships. The State-Interest in this sort of policy is extremely strong... Think about the costs of divorce and child support... How much harder are these issues to establish justice if one party decides to leave after 40 years of shared venture.
Anyway, the Defense Alliance guy then referenced a book called, "From Sacrament to Contract." Interesting, I thought... Since the US government is NOT in the business of establishing and recognizing sacraments, but IS in the business of doing so with contracts. Then the D.A. guy said, "I wouldn't want the UCC (uniform commercial code) getting involved between me and my wife." My friend Meg leaned over and pointed out that in our Contracts class (1st year class) we had learned that the UCC only applies to the sale of goods. I pointed that out loudly, to much laughter. The D.A. guy responded, "You dont know my wife..."
Wow, that says a lot about how he views HIS marriage.
Go ahead, keep defending Britney's Vegas wedding. Im coming to get you... Two more years of legal education and I am REALLY going to kick your ass.
Work at the bar has become much more leisurely, as I have grown to get to know the staff and the way things run. When you get down to it, a bar is a bar, a martini is a martini. The computer system was the worst learning curve, and I quickly have become acostumbed to that. Oh... And the money is terrific.
I seemed to misplace my cell phone yesterday, but I refused to get out-of-whack about it... I had a very limited area of space I could have lost it in, so i figured it would turn up. I got an email this morning though from a law-school administrator telling me to call my father. I pretty much freaked out. I ran out of the class room, figuring that my Grandfather had died, and Dad was trying to get ahold of me to let me know... Actually, the Uof M campus had found my phone in their parking lot and called the "Dad" entry. Pheewww. That had me worried.
The reason that I was at the U in the first place was that I went to a Same-Sex Marriage debate at their law school. It was quite interesting really, and I ended up making a "contractual model" argument for marriage in the face of the two models offered up. The Defense Alliance guy (anti-SSM) said that the courts have never granted the right to "marry whomever you want," (the companionship model of marriage) but rather that the State Interest in marriage lies in the foundation of stable familes for the burden of child-rearing. Since SSM fundamentally doesnt have the burden of child-rearing, there is no state interest in it.
Interesting argument, really... Except it forgets that Marriage is largely a contract. In the "Contract Model" I proposed, the state has an extremely large interest in stabilizing and establishing the union of two people who own property and accounts, may have children, and have entered into life-long partnerships. The State-Interest in this sort of policy is extremely strong... Think about the costs of divorce and child support... How much harder are these issues to establish justice if one party decides to leave after 40 years of shared venture.
Anyway, the Defense Alliance guy then referenced a book called, "From Sacrament to Contract." Interesting, I thought... Since the US government is NOT in the business of establishing and recognizing sacraments, but IS in the business of doing so with contracts. Then the D.A. guy said, "I wouldn't want the UCC (uniform commercial code) getting involved between me and my wife." My friend Meg leaned over and pointed out that in our Contracts class (1st year class) we had learned that the UCC only applies to the sale of goods. I pointed that out loudly, to much laughter. The D.A. guy responded, "You dont know my wife..."
Wow, that says a lot about how he views HIS marriage.
Go ahead, keep defending Britney's Vegas wedding. Im coming to get you... Two more years of legal education and I am REALLY going to kick your ass.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Getting down to it
A rainy sunday. I have been working my ass off the last two nights, starting to realize that 12 hour shifts on your feet can be a bit draining. Today I have to get my legal writing memo done, and I am now at the point that I jsut need to get it started (I just realized that I gained an hour with daylight savings time... NICE!)
Friday night I worked with Blake, who always seemed very distant and territorial, and Max, who I was warned would hate me because I am didnt work my way up into the position. Turns out that I got along fantastically with both of them. I think they just needed to see that I am decent at my job and a nice person, because both of them are two. I think they feared that I was a pretty-boy hire who wouldnt be able to pull his weight and had nothing to offer other than my looks (there are a couple of examples of this at the bar). Anyway, I got my ass handed to me while I was alone on the floor during happy hour, and Blake came on and reassured me that it wasnt my fault. I truly had felt like quiting. Well, things looked better and better as the night progressed, and I ended up walking out of there with close to $300. Sweet!
Last night I ended up putting on full skeleton makeup, a very interesting ordeal, but it looked awesome and I got many kudos, including from my boss who was pleased that I went all-out. The bar had a special promotion which blew because there was confusion about what people were supposed to be getting and nobody tipped on the free drinks that they did get. I ended up getting cut early, which was fantastic, and after hanging out on the other side of the bar and realizing that I have no gay friends to hang out with, I went with my new manager to the Saloon, where I just kinda chilled till I went home.
At this point, I feel a tad lonely, having not seen my friends in a few days, and knowing that I still have yet to find a group of gays. I see these groups at my bar and it makes me want to just go, "Can I be your friend?" in a sad, pathetic manner. I think back on all the friend groups I have been a part of in Michigan and Milwaukee, and I realize that it is only a matter of time, but I miss them all.
Two notes:
1) I had gotten up the courage to ask one of the administrators at my university out for dinner. Yep. Catholic University, administrator. Probably not the smartest idea, especially since I wasnt 100% sure he is gay. He seemed shocked and said, "I would have to say no."
I saw him out last night. At least I know my gaydar is working.
2) To the "pretty" girls who think that they deserve more than everyone else, I will tell you just what I told the bitchy ones on Friday who were a tad demanding: "The boobs odnt do anything for me, and I pour the same for everyone. Get over it." And if you think promising to tip me big makes you better than everyone else, you should probably realize how cheap you just made the entire transaction and how much LESS likely you are to get what you want thinking that I am a prostitute.
Friday night I worked with Blake, who always seemed very distant and territorial, and Max, who I was warned would hate me because I am didnt work my way up into the position. Turns out that I got along fantastically with both of them. I think they just needed to see that I am decent at my job and a nice person, because both of them are two. I think they feared that I was a pretty-boy hire who wouldnt be able to pull his weight and had nothing to offer other than my looks (there are a couple of examples of this at the bar). Anyway, I got my ass handed to me while I was alone on the floor during happy hour, and Blake came on and reassured me that it wasnt my fault. I truly had felt like quiting. Well, things looked better and better as the night progressed, and I ended up walking out of there with close to $300. Sweet!
Last night I ended up putting on full skeleton makeup, a very interesting ordeal, but it looked awesome and I got many kudos, including from my boss who was pleased that I went all-out. The bar had a special promotion which blew because there was confusion about what people were supposed to be getting and nobody tipped on the free drinks that they did get. I ended up getting cut early, which was fantastic, and after hanging out on the other side of the bar and realizing that I have no gay friends to hang out with, I went with my new manager to the Saloon, where I just kinda chilled till I went home.
At this point, I feel a tad lonely, having not seen my friends in a few days, and knowing that I still have yet to find a group of gays. I see these groups at my bar and it makes me want to just go, "Can I be your friend?" in a sad, pathetic manner. I think back on all the friend groups I have been a part of in Michigan and Milwaukee, and I realize that it is only a matter of time, but I miss them all.
Two notes:
1) I had gotten up the courage to ask one of the administrators at my university out for dinner. Yep. Catholic University, administrator. Probably not the smartest idea, especially since I wasnt 100% sure he is gay. He seemed shocked and said, "I would have to say no."
I saw him out last night. At least I know my gaydar is working.
2) To the "pretty" girls who think that they deserve more than everyone else, I will tell you just what I told the bitchy ones on Friday who were a tad demanding: "The boobs odnt do anything for me, and I pour the same for everyone. Get over it." And if you think promising to tip me big makes you better than everyone else, you should probably realize how cheap you just made the entire transaction and how much LESS likely you are to get what you want thinking that I am a prostitute.
Friday, October 28, 2005
There are hangovers I know I deserve... I want to appeal this one to a higher court
Good God. I wasnt this drunk last night, was I? Of wait. I was.
I managed to drunkenly clean most of the face makeup off of me (its still in the shower) but neglected my neck and ears, so I was an odd site this morning. The makeup actually worked out pretty well. I would be a big fan of this costume if it wasnt so tight in the butt. But then, that might be perfect for work... Hmmm...
I cant even believe I am up for class. I guess that partially I just need to go to get my phone/bag/coat from Jake cause I left all that stuff at his house. Seriously, I dont even remember who gave me a ride home... I remember going to the St Thomas parking structure, and coming home and chatting online... I didnt even drink that much. A couple strong Captains at Jake's place, then two beers and a shot with Matt. Maybe the shot did me in. I was supposed to go to a breakfast thing this morning, but forgot all about it, and even if I hadnt, with the prospect of work tonight, sleep was very much a priority.
Fun night though... Reclaimed the "Girlfriend" song, so now my memory wont be of (Mitchell) it will be of me dancing with Strawberry Shortcake, a fairy, and a very tall hairy nurse. That makes me happy.
I managed to drunkenly clean most of the face makeup off of me (its still in the shower) but neglected my neck and ears, so I was an odd site this morning. The makeup actually worked out pretty well. I would be a big fan of this costume if it wasnt so tight in the butt. But then, that might be perfect for work... Hmmm...
I cant even believe I am up for class. I guess that partially I just need to go to get my phone/bag/coat from Jake cause I left all that stuff at his house. Seriously, I dont even remember who gave me a ride home... I remember going to the St Thomas parking structure, and coming home and chatting online... I didnt even drink that much. A couple strong Captains at Jake's place, then two beers and a shot with Matt. Maybe the shot did me in. I was supposed to go to a breakfast thing this morning, but forgot all about it, and even if I hadnt, with the prospect of work tonight, sleep was very much a priority.
Fun night though... Reclaimed the "Girlfriend" song, so now my memory wont be of (Mitchell) it will be of me dancing with Strawberry Shortcake, a fairy, and a very tall hairy nurse. That makes me happy.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Oh yeah baby, just like that!
urbanchristian00: why do we have to get the hours in in the first place?
SM: part of that mentor externship thing
SM: makes us good people :-)
urbanchristian00: eat me
SM: I deserved that
urbanchristian00: lol... that's right woman, get back in the kitchen
SM: yes massa
urbanchristian00: HAHAHA
SM: can i get you a nightcap and your smoking jacket?
urbanchristian00: not if it means leaving the kitchen
SM: then we can do it in the missionary position while I conceieve your glorious children
SM: ha ha ha
urbanchristian00: jesus... that's so wrong
urbanchristian00: wait... are you that crazy lesbian looking for a sperm donor?
SM: no!!! I dont need anything else right now that requires my time and attention
urbanchristian00: my plants are dying... seriously
SM: i only have one left
SM: my baby would be neglected.
SM: but if it makes you feel better, we can keep you in mind for sperm later :-)
SM: just kidding- i dont wanna know the guy
urbanchristian00: lol... thanks.
urbanchristian00: yeah, I will have to hook you up with one of my tricks... he doesnt even have to know about it... i'll just grab the condom off the floor for you
SM: now THAT was wrong
urbanchristian00: hehe... best of both worlds
SM: well done grasshopper
urbanchristian00: i could judge his intellect, attractivness, and... stature for you
SM: would it be akward to ask for his family medical history during foreplay?
urbanchristian00: i can get creative... "Oh yeah, just like that... hey, did your grandfather have diabetes? Oh, dont stop..."
SM: part of that mentor externship thing
SM: makes us good people :-)
urbanchristian00: eat me
SM: I deserved that
urbanchristian00: lol... that's right woman, get back in the kitchen
SM: yes massa
urbanchristian00: HAHAHA
SM: can i get you a nightcap and your smoking jacket?
urbanchristian00: not if it means leaving the kitchen
SM: then we can do it in the missionary position while I conceieve your glorious children
SM: ha ha ha
urbanchristian00: jesus... that's so wrong
urbanchristian00: wait... are you that crazy lesbian looking for a sperm donor?
SM: no!!! I dont need anything else right now that requires my time and attention
urbanchristian00: my plants are dying... seriously
SM: i only have one left
SM: my baby would be neglected.
SM: but if it makes you feel better, we can keep you in mind for sperm later :-)
SM: just kidding- i dont wanna know the guy
urbanchristian00: lol... thanks.
urbanchristian00: yeah, I will have to hook you up with one of my tricks... he doesnt even have to know about it... i'll just grab the condom off the floor for you
SM: now THAT was wrong
urbanchristian00: hehe... best of both worlds
SM: well done grasshopper
urbanchristian00: i could judge his intellect, attractivness, and... stature for you
SM: would it be akward to ask for his family medical history during foreplay?
urbanchristian00: i can get creative... "Oh yeah, just like that... hey, did your grandfather have diabetes? Oh, dont stop..."
This is SOOO not good. But in a good way.
Well, the midterm grades were just released. Be proud, because I scored far higher than I thought I would, among the top of the class. Sounds good right?
Not really. I KNOW how my mind works. From here on out, for the rest of the semester, I am going to be thinking, "Well, I did okay on the midterm, this isnt that hard..." Having done well with little effort in the beginning will make it SO much harder to legitimize good study skills later in the semester. Bad brain. Bad!
I had a wonderful morning today in prayer and reflection. Felt good to take a little bit to nurture that relationship. I have a ton to do right now, but that makes it almost more important for me to reconnect spiritually.
Okay, back to class. (even now I am not paying attention... he's talking about the exam. I aced it, so I dont need to pay attention, right?)
Not really. I KNOW how my mind works. From here on out, for the rest of the semester, I am going to be thinking, "Well, I did okay on the midterm, this isnt that hard..." Having done well with little effort in the beginning will make it SO much harder to legitimize good study skills later in the semester. Bad brain. Bad!
I had a wonderful morning today in prayer and reflection. Felt good to take a little bit to nurture that relationship. I have a ton to do right now, but that makes it almost more important for me to reconnect spiritually.
Okay, back to class. (even now I am not paying attention... he's talking about the exam. I aced it, so I dont need to pay attention, right?)
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Blah...
Sooooo much I should be doing right now. Eh. Whatever.
This week is deadly busy, with my finalized memo due Nov. 1... That is about 9 days away, which seems workable, but I am scheduled at the bar for five nights between now and then. Add random meetings this week and such and it is a busy week. The random stuff like cleaning and laundry are catching up to me too, but I guess I am in denial about going back to class tomorrow. I'll make it through this, I always like a challenge.
"How come the world wont stop spinning now that you're gone? I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong." Just spent a half an hour reading through my entries from June-Sept.... Just examining my feelings through the whole (Mitchell) thing. Last night the DJ played the "Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song... That combined with Kelly Clarkston can take me down a notch... But not substanstially. I guess that I am bouncing pretty well overall.
God, I had a good time last night!
This week is deadly busy, with my finalized memo due Nov. 1... That is about 9 days away, which seems workable, but I am scheduled at the bar for five nights between now and then. Add random meetings this week and such and it is a busy week. The random stuff like cleaning and laundry are catching up to me too, but I guess I am in denial about going back to class tomorrow. I'll make it through this, I always like a challenge.
"How come the world wont stop spinning now that you're gone? I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong." Just spent a half an hour reading through my entries from June-Sept.... Just examining my feelings through the whole (Mitchell) thing. Last night the DJ played the "Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song... That combined with Kelly Clarkston can take me down a notch... But not substanstially. I guess that I am bouncing pretty well overall.
God, I had a good time last night!
First day at the office...
Just got back from my first night at the bar. It was a blast. Seriously hard work, but a blast. It was like my work at THREE, shaking martinis constantly and running out of glassware and bottles of alcohol, except surrounded on all sides by cute men begging your attention. The coworkers are going to take a little while to warm to me, but I like them overall... It was so much fun to be surrounded again. Having my smile suffice for a flirt... Knowing that I could have gone home with any number of guys if a I wanted to. One guy specificically said, "any guy that gave you up is a fool," without knowing how pertinent that was to my situation. Felt great. Long ass shifts though.
My boss is cool. He seems very confident in me, and it turns out that he put his ass on the line by hiring me, because he was supposed to refer me to the owners first. I guess I dont understand why he didnt in the first place, and I cant feel guilty that he made that move, but I do feel a certain level of pride that he was that sure of me.
The place got packed. I dont know how much money I am going to make, but it is going to be a good place to work, for sure. The music rocked, and I felt like I connected with at least a couple of the other employees. Ended up playing bouncer at the end of the night keeping these drunken straight boys out. We ended up calling the cops, but only after I physically prevented them from entering and played the "tough guy." I totally wrote it off as the Milwaukee experience, when it really wasnt something I had to practice in Milwaukee... Just had to be prepared to do so. Anyway.
Time for bed. I am happy with the new job, and it will definitely keep me focused this next week. Holy shit, I have SOOO much to do!
My boss is cool. He seems very confident in me, and it turns out that he put his ass on the line by hiring me, because he was supposed to refer me to the owners first. I guess I dont understand why he didnt in the first place, and I cant feel guilty that he made that move, but I do feel a certain level of pride that he was that sure of me.
The place got packed. I dont know how much money I am going to make, but it is going to be a good place to work, for sure. The music rocked, and I felt like I connected with at least a couple of the other employees. Ended up playing bouncer at the end of the night keeping these drunken straight boys out. We ended up calling the cops, but only after I physically prevented them from entering and played the "tough guy." I totally wrote it off as the Milwaukee experience, when it really wasnt something I had to practice in Milwaukee... Just had to be prepared to do so. Anyway.
Time for bed. I am happy with the new job, and it will definitely keep me focused this next week. Holy shit, I have SOOO much to do!
Friday, October 21, 2005
Back to life, back to reality
I just sent out my insurance form for the DVDs that my old roommate stole. I feel like that closes that chapter. The photos of (Mitchell) are down, leaving several empty frames, and his phone number has been pushed back from its primary space on my phone to take its spot in the alphabetical listings of my friends. It is this little stuff that will help me to keep moving through this.
Yesterday I awoke alone after another bland night with (Mitchell). I had thought about spending Thursday night there too, but it just didn't seem to make sense... I have learned what he is capable and incapable of, and as much as i had this fantasy that he would do something so romantic that night that he would win me back, it was just me lying to myself... It never would have happened. So I wrote him a note, left it on the bed, collected my things, and drove home. That was that. It's over.
I got home after making the drive from Milwaukee to Minneapolis in a record 4 hours. Still didnt get pulled over. Talk about good karma or something. I worked out for a bit, then went and drank FAR too much with Brianna, Maggie and Ted. Fun group. Fun night. Ended up back at Ted's house, somehow got convinced to play hide-and-seek (I won)...
Granted, the night had its moments of loneliness and internal sadness, but Brianna is always good about making sure I dont stay there for very long. All in all, I am happy to be back... so far. These next couple of weeks are going to be deadly hard, but that'll be a good distraction for me. I go to work at BOOM tomorrow for the first time, and I have "first day jitters" but am very excited about it overall.
I will have to post the whole break-up thing later, along with other trip details... Right now I am just trying to recapture my normal life.
Yesterday I awoke alone after another bland night with (Mitchell). I had thought about spending Thursday night there too, but it just didn't seem to make sense... I have learned what he is capable and incapable of, and as much as i had this fantasy that he would do something so romantic that night that he would win me back, it was just me lying to myself... It never would have happened. So I wrote him a note, left it on the bed, collected my things, and drove home. That was that. It's over.
I got home after making the drive from Milwaukee to Minneapolis in a record 4 hours. Still didnt get pulled over. Talk about good karma or something. I worked out for a bit, then went and drank FAR too much with Brianna, Maggie and Ted. Fun group. Fun night. Ended up back at Ted's house, somehow got convinced to play hide-and-seek (I won)...
Granted, the night had its moments of loneliness and internal sadness, but Brianna is always good about making sure I dont stay there for very long. All in all, I am happy to be back... so far. These next couple of weeks are going to be deadly hard, but that'll be a good distraction for me. I go to work at BOOM tomorrow for the first time, and I have "first day jitters" but am very excited about it overall.
I will have to post the whole break-up thing later, along with other trip details... Right now I am just trying to recapture my normal life.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
back in Milwaukee
Just spent the day doing service with Justine and her coworkers from CreditSuisse. It was actually kind of nice, a good way to take my mind off of anything important. Started by tarring the roof of the rectory, then covering old windows… Just generally fix-it stuff. Now I am in Milwaukee, and trying to make sure I can salvage a friendship between (Mitchell) and I. Do I wish that by some miracle we could renew the relationship? Yes, absolutely. But I just got here to find that he had gone to go hear Dan Savage speak without so much as telling me. That’s kind of a big “fuck you,” you know? I am going to just chill, I really have learned not to be disappointed by him. Just one more example why this cant work. Gives me a chance just to chill for the moment though. That feels nice.
(ten minutes later)
(Charley) just got back… (Mitchell) is now going to coffee with a couple of people… How perturbed should I be? Jesus… How could I ever have thought this would work?
(ten minutes later)
(Charley) just got back… (Mitchell) is now going to coffee with a couple of people… How perturbed should I be? Jesus… How could I ever have thought this would work?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I can't make you love me.
I need to write this now. In a couple of weeks I am going to start really really missing (Mitchell), and then I am going to remember all of the things that made me love him in the first place. I am not going to remember how miserable I have been these last few weeks because of his increasingly chilly and distant behavior. I may not remember what a horrid boyfriend he really was: never did anything special for me, never complimented me, never really showed any signs of his love for me. I will forget that this last Friday night he didn’t even come over and say Hi to me when I stopped to see him at work. I wont remember how he didn’t even want to touch me while we ate cheesecake in the park. I wont remember how uninterested he was in even being with me. I wont remember that we sat on his bed, watched a movie, and didn’t once touch each other. I may even forget how insecure I have become in my own attractiveness, feeling undesirable because my own boyfriend didn’t desire me.
It turns out that we were holding on too tightly to the memory of what we had. Perhaps it was just a great summer of love. I truly, truly, needed this relationship: all of my friends had left me, I was alone in the city, and I had nothing else going for me that summer. I am SO very grateful for the time we had. Perhaps we were foolish to make this more than that.
I finally approached him after the movie on Friday night. “What can we do to get back to that place again?” The place where we were so passionate with each other, where we talked each other to sleep, where the simple touch of him was enough for me. Somewhere in the last month, that place had been lost, and I don’t know how to get back to it. I have been trying my damnedest, with only increased resistance on (Mitchell's) part.
(Mitchell) claimed to be having trouble with the distance thing. Fair enough. At the same time, he is disconnecting with his friends back home right now too. He is going through a rough transition period right now, and in all likelihood is depressed. We said that we want to hold onto the memory of how good the relationship was, and hold onto the hope that perhaps someday will be the right time and place to try it again. We were good together, hopefully one day we can be again. But we cant continue to let the relationship spoil right now.
What does this mean for me? It means that I have to let go of someone I love so much it hurts because he cant love me back right now. That sucks! I look at my perspective, and there is nothing that I can change (other than moving back to Mke, which is unreasonable considering…), no greater amount of energy that I can put in to make this work. The failure is, indeed, on (Mitchell’s) end. I don’t want to make it sound like I am placing blame, but I also don’t want to walk away from this feeling like I could have done more, because I couldn’t have. All of my friends have seen the way that this affects me, and many are astounded that I have let him bring me down this much. I love him. I want nothing more than to renew the relationship we had even one month ago and have a life together with him. But I have to let (Mitchell) do his part. I have to let him restore his life, figure out what he needs, and someday come back to me.
I am so intensely happy with my life in Minneapolis right now, with incredible friends, a great school, a fantastic apartment and a city just waiting for me… There is no reason that I should let this one aspect of my life bring me down so hard.
So…. That’s that. I will continue my life. I will take down the photos of him all over my apartment, and I will start bartending again, dating again, and perhaps I will find someone who is closer to the 99% of what I want. And yet I still love him for his sense of humor, his honesty, his thirst to see and do things, his kindness to his friends… There is no one in the world that my heart has gone thumpty-thump so erratically for.
I hope that perhaps (Mitchell) will come back to me some day. Maybe he will have gone to counseling and an objective party will have told him what a moron he has been to let me leave. Maybe he will have an epiphany and see that as he has been getting older, his relationships have been getting exponentially shorter, and that he may indeed need to become a better boyfriend before he ends up lonely. I don’t want him to be alone. I wish for him every happiness. I just wish I was there to be a part of it.
As we have it planned, I will still see him for a couple of days this weekend, and I will still come back for his birthday around Christmas. We are still close. I still love him, and he says that he still loves me. I guess this is the point where I let go and let God. It still sucks though.
This love shit is not as fun as it looks.
It turns out that we were holding on too tightly to the memory of what we had. Perhaps it was just a great summer of love. I truly, truly, needed this relationship: all of my friends had left me, I was alone in the city, and I had nothing else going for me that summer. I am SO very grateful for the time we had. Perhaps we were foolish to make this more than that.
I finally approached him after the movie on Friday night. “What can we do to get back to that place again?” The place where we were so passionate with each other, where we talked each other to sleep, where the simple touch of him was enough for me. Somewhere in the last month, that place had been lost, and I don’t know how to get back to it. I have been trying my damnedest, with only increased resistance on (Mitchell's) part.
(Mitchell) claimed to be having trouble with the distance thing. Fair enough. At the same time, he is disconnecting with his friends back home right now too. He is going through a rough transition period right now, and in all likelihood is depressed.
What does this mean for me? It means that I have to let go of someone I love so much it hurts because he cant love me back right now. That sucks! I look at my perspective, and there is nothing that I can change (other than moving back to Mke, which is unreasonable considering…), no greater amount of energy that I can put in to make this work. The failure is, indeed, on (Mitchell’s) end. I don’t want to make it sound like I am placing blame, but I also don’t want to walk away from this feeling like I could have done more, because I couldn’t have. All of my friends have seen the way that this affects me, and many are astounded that I have let him bring me down this much. I love him. I want nothing more than to renew the relationship we had even one month ago and have a life together with him. But I have to let (Mitchell) do his part. I have to let him restore his life, figure out what he needs, and someday come back to me.
I am so intensely happy with my life in Minneapolis right now, with incredible friends, a great school, a fantastic apartment and a city just waiting for me… There is no reason that I should let this one aspect of my life bring me down so hard.
So…. That’s that. I will continue my life. I will take down the photos of him all over my apartment, and I will start bartending again, dating again, and perhaps I will find someone who is closer to the 99% of what I want.
I hope that perhaps (Mitchell) will come back to me some day. Maybe he will have gone to counseling and an objective party will have told him what a moron he has been to let me leave. Maybe he will have an epiphany and see that as he has been getting older, his relationships have been getting exponentially shorter, and that he may indeed need to become a better boyfriend before he ends up lonely. I don’t want him to be alone. I wish for him every happiness. I just wish I was there to be a part of it.
As we have it planned, I will still see him for a couple of days this weekend, and I will still come back for his birthday around Christmas. We are still close. I still love him, and he says that he still loves me. I guess this is the point where I let go and let God. It still sucks though.
This love shit is not as fun as it looks.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Better and Better...
I was giving this tour one day around Marquette, something that had become so old-hat for me by that point that it was said that I could "Enroll an atheist in the seminary" when a public safety officer stopped the tour. As we passed he asked, "How you all doing?" I responded with, "Just fine," continuing along with my well-timed tour. He stopped us and said, you really should say "Better and Better," because that's all we get in this life, and that sort of optimism is what makes people achieve more. He prattled on for a bit, and quite frankly I was glad to escape from him when I finally got the tour to move on.
Recently though, I have taken to this "Better and Better" answer. There is really so much to it. Although some days I feel like I am saying it almost sarcastically, most of the time it is a wonderful reminder of the world of opportunity that lies ahead. Today is gray and rainy, and I had a long day of classes, so I can surely say that things will get "better and better." Yesterday I had a job interview and got a call from someone very unexpected, so things were indeed getting better and better.
It felt so good to go out with my friend Meg on Sunday night. I had, until then, only gone out with the gay crowd (with my roommate who I then had to remove) once in this city. Law school is wonderful, but it is so very very sterile and clean, and free from any sort of gay life. And whether I want to admit it or not, being gay has become part of my culture. I have started to sorely miss being around people who are part of that culture. Anyway, ShowTune Sunday at Boom was wonderful because I got to be around a bit of it. Also, Meg's friends are all very spiritual (Meg's partner and two of the others that were there are preachers) so it was indeed even more amazing for me to be able to "get my gay on" without the conversation inevitablly turning to sex. A solid group of good people.
Anyway, while I was there, I put in what I call a "dead application." This is when you give the app to someone who just nods, smiles, and sticks it in a drawer. At bars, especially for competitive bartending spots, if you dont speak with the manager or owner, you dont have a chance. But I had brought my old bosses' very kind letter of rec, and the group letter of rec that I had, and just took my chances. Along the same lines, the group of guys were goading me to be a bit more brave than I would normally be, and I took an unusual chance, which tendered no apparent results.
Well, Monday I got a call from the bar manager. This is truly astounding. Tuesday he interviewed me, and hired me on for Saturday nights. Amazing! He is totally willing to work with my schedule, and this place is very classy. I have to were a uniform (dont worry, it is more than a purple thong)! So, now I have a new home bar, a place where I can "get my gay on", earn a little money, and distract me reasonably from law school. It's perfect!
Also yesterday, I got a phone call regarding my other venture, which was also quite unexpected! Better and Better!
So, I had a lot of blessings, have relaxed with friends who are both faithful and fun, and truly had a good week of things. We all had our Lawyering Skills midterm on Tuesday morning, which I felt I had prepared to the best of my ability for. The only thing that worries me is the curve: there are some smart ass kids in my section! But no matter what, I did my best, as cheesy as that sounds.
I have one more midterm left on friday, after which I drive to Milwaukee for the night, spend some time with (Mitchell) and then drive to TC for Sat-Monday. Tuesday I drive to Chicago, spend the night with Will, J, D, and hopefully Carey, and then go back to Milwaukee Wednesday to spend the rest of break with (Mitchell). This was a hard schedule to figure out, becuase there are so many people I want to see and because (Mitchell) initially planned on coming but then had to deal with work things. At first that got to me, but I soon realized that this job change he is doing is important to him, thus it is important to me, and there is nothing that either of us can do about this scheduling hardship during my break. No point in getting salty about it.
The break will also be good to reestablish the relationship between him and I. It could just be that he is distracted, or it could mean that his feelings have changed but the phone calls have been dwindling, he doesnt seem much interested in talking to me, and I remember that "pre-hickies" he sent me periodic text messages saying he missed me. I dont think he has said that or the L-word in a while, which just makes things feel much more chilly. Hopefully, this next week will either a) determine one way or another if he is still interested in me and b) rekindle the relationship if he is.
My panic mode is a bit less right now than it was before. After our last weekend together, I was essentially told (by him) to operate as if I was single out here. In doing so I have rediscovered a bit of self-worth that I have lost along the way. I am at the point myself where I would LOVE if my relationship with (Mitchell) could continue, could strengthen, but I no longer hold the blind hope for it that I did before. Perhaps this is what the substance of a REAL relationship is about: functionalism of realizing how important a friend the other is. I have never allowed a relationship to get past the dying of the honeymoon stage before. Perhaps this all is normal. Nonetheless, this next week should be very determinitive for us, for good or for bad, and I look forward to the resolve one way or another.
Better and Better.
Recently though, I have taken to this "Better and Better" answer. There is really so much to it. Although some days I feel like I am saying it almost sarcastically, most of the time it is a wonderful reminder of the world of opportunity that lies ahead. Today is gray and rainy, and I had a long day of classes, so I can surely say that things will get "better and better." Yesterday I had a job interview and got a call from someone very unexpected, so things were indeed getting better and better.
It felt so good to go out with my friend Meg on Sunday night. I had, until then, only gone out with the gay crowd (with my roommate who I then had to remove) once in this city. Law school is wonderful, but it is so very very sterile and clean, and free from any sort of gay life. And whether I want to admit it or not, being gay has become part of my culture. I have started to sorely miss being around people who are part of that culture. Anyway, ShowTune Sunday at Boom was wonderful because I got to be around a bit of it. Also, Meg's friends are all very spiritual (Meg's partner and two of the others that were there are preachers) so it was indeed even more amazing for me to be able to "get my gay on" without the conversation inevitablly turning to sex. A solid group of good people.
Anyway, while I was there, I put in what I call a "dead application." This is when you give the app to someone who just nods, smiles, and sticks it in a drawer. At bars, especially for competitive bartending spots, if you dont speak with the manager or owner, you dont have a chance. But I had brought my old bosses' very kind letter of rec, and the group letter of rec that I had, and just took my chances. Along the same lines, the group of guys were goading me to be a bit more brave than I would normally be, and I took an unusual chance, which tendered no apparent results.
Well, Monday I got a call from the bar manager. This is truly astounding. Tuesday he interviewed me, and hired me on for Saturday nights. Amazing! He is totally willing to work with my schedule, and this place is very classy. I have to were a uniform (dont worry, it is more than a purple thong)! So, now I have a new home bar, a place where I can "get my gay on", earn a little money, and distract me reasonably from law school. It's perfect!
Also yesterday, I got a phone call regarding my other venture, which was also quite unexpected! Better and Better!
So, I had a lot of blessings, have relaxed with friends who are both faithful and fun, and truly had a good week of things. We all had our Lawyering Skills midterm on Tuesday morning, which I felt I had prepared to the best of my ability for. The only thing that worries me is the curve: there are some smart ass kids in my section! But no matter what, I did my best, as cheesy as that sounds.
I have one more midterm left on friday, after which I drive to Milwaukee for the night, spend some time with (Mitchell) and then drive to TC for Sat-Monday. Tuesday I drive to Chicago, spend the night with Will, J, D, and hopefully Carey, and then go back to Milwaukee Wednesday to spend the rest of break with (Mitchell). This was a hard schedule to figure out, becuase there are so many people I want to see and because (Mitchell) initially planned on coming but then had to deal with work things. At first that got to me, but I soon realized that this job change he is doing is important to him, thus it is important to me, and there is nothing that either of us can do about this scheduling hardship during my break. No point in getting salty about it.
The break will also be good to reestablish the relationship between him and I. It could just be that he is distracted, or it could mean that his feelings have changed but the phone calls have been dwindling, he doesnt seem much interested in talking to me, and I remember that "pre-hickies" he sent me periodic text messages saying he missed me. I dont think he has said that or the L-word in a while, which just makes things feel much more chilly. Hopefully, this next week will either a) determine one way or another if he is still interested in me and b) rekindle the relationship if he is.
My panic mode is a bit less right now than it was before. After our last weekend together, I was essentially told (by him) to operate as if I was single out here. In doing so I have rediscovered a bit of self-worth that I have lost along the way. I am at the point myself where I would LOVE if my relationship with (Mitchell) could continue, could strengthen, but I no longer hold the blind hope for it that I did before. Perhaps this is what the substance of a REAL relationship is about: functionalism of realizing how important a friend the other is. I have never allowed a relationship to get past the dying of the honeymoon stage before. Perhaps this all is normal. Nonetheless, this next week should be very determinitive for us, for good or for bad, and I look forward to the resolve one way or another.
Better and Better.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Better now
Yep... That was a bad hang-over mood. In truth, I think things are okay. Looks like I have a new roommate, Im going out with friends tonight shirking both my TV watching and homework responsibilites. This week is managable, then I get a week off. Laundry is folded, bills are done, and I feel better. (fluids help)
Ugly, fat day
Im starting to get a bit concerned by my own behavior. I know the symptoms. I am so low-energy that I am not even keeping myself up well. It is like now that all this drama has settled, I am still here surrounded by remnants. And I feel fat, ugly and unable to bring myself to get even the stupidest little things done. There is a pile of shit stacking up next to my desk... I havent even had the energy to shave the last 5 days or so. Am SO behind on my readings...
Part of me is ranting: "This isnt hard stuff... Just get off your ass and shave, pick up your room, fold your laundry, open the books..." But there is just something that makes even the simplest things seem difficult at the moment.
For all my friends that ae probably freaking out reading this, dont panic... I have these moments (and would assume that they are normal). Its just something that you never SEE. I dont know what possessed me to write about it today, (I am thinking about deleting this entire entry) but here it is: every bone in my body wants me to just crawl back into bed and stay there. Not from tiredness, just from... whatever it is in my soul that jsut feels weak at the moment.
Okay. Enough. This is bullshit. Pull it together. Be the person people love.
Part of me is ranting: "This isnt hard stuff... Just get off your ass and shave, pick up your room, fold your laundry, open the books..." But there is just something that makes even the simplest things seem difficult at the moment.
For all my friends that ae probably freaking out reading this, dont panic... I have these moments (and would assume that they are normal). Its just something that you never SEE. I dont know what possessed me to write about it today, (I am thinking about deleting this entire entry) but here it is: every bone in my body wants me to just crawl back into bed and stay there. Not from tiredness, just from... whatever it is in my soul that jsut feels weak at the moment.
Okay. Enough. This is bullshit. Pull it together. Be the person people love.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Flash floods and supreme court nominees
Seriously, does she have to put her eye-liner on with a sharpee?
Life is back to normal. Midterms are this week, and that is throwing off my rythm some, but not too badly. My Civil Procedure exam was on Monday. That stuff is SOOO boring it makes you want to cry. I have Contracts (not quite as boring, but getting there) on Thursday. All our tests are open book, so it is essentially the synthesis of the material and the analysis that you have to know. That and typing uber-fast.
I went shopping over the weekend for food, so once again I am cooking, which is such a good outlet for me. I also met with my mentor today, and she is going to try to hook me up with a legal-services internship of sorts at their AIDS center here. Hopefully that one will work out.
Things seem to have evened out with (Mitchell) and I, although I feel like there is a certain coldness, a space, that I havent felt before. The "honeymoon" is certainly over. Quite honestly, this is probably the first point where i have gotten to that in a relationship. He is picking up a new job though, so he is pretty distracted with his own stuff. I just hope he remembers how good we are together.
I got a call from a college bud of mine, Ryan McCollough. We had been drinking buddies, but had never really hung out seperately. We had been through a lot together, but never were... close. Anyway, he called me out of the blue today to catch up. I felt so touched. Seriously, it meant a ton to me that he looked at me as someone he just wanted to keep in touch with. Just made me feel all warm inside.
Seriously... the eyeliner has to go.
Life is back to normal. Midterms are this week, and that is throwing off my rythm some, but not too badly. My Civil Procedure exam was on Monday. That stuff is SOOO boring it makes you want to cry. I have Contracts (not quite as boring, but getting there) on Thursday. All our tests are open book, so it is essentially the synthesis of the material and the analysis that you have to know. That and typing uber-fast.
I went shopping over the weekend for food, so once again I am cooking, which is such a good outlet for me. I also met with my mentor today, and she is going to try to hook me up with a legal-services internship of sorts at their AIDS center here. Hopefully that one will work out.
Things seem to have evened out with (Mitchell) and I, although I feel like there is a certain coldness, a space, that I havent felt before. The "honeymoon" is certainly over. Quite honestly, this is probably the first point where i have gotten to that in a relationship. He is picking up a new job though, so he is pretty distracted with his own stuff. I just hope he remembers how good we are together.
I got a call from a college bud of mine, Ryan McCollough. We had been drinking buddies, but had never really hung out seperately. We had been through a lot together, but never were... close. Anyway, he called me out of the blue today to catch up. I felt so touched. Seriously, it meant a ton to me that he looked at me as someone he just wanted to keep in touch with. Just made me feel all warm inside.
Seriously... the eyeliner has to go.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Just a second... Im praying for God to kill me...
That was just a ownderful quote from Desperate Housewives.
And yes... Tomorrow is my first midterm, and I am watching my shows. YEAH!!!
Okay. That's all.
And yes... Tomorrow is my first midterm, and I am watching my shows. YEAH!!!
Okay. That's all.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Peace at last
Well, I made it through the week.
I had a few friends over yesterday for "lunch" while the roommate moved out. It went quite smoothly realy, even though you could feel the resentment in the air. It sucks to have shit come crashing down around you, and it sucks even worse to know that it is your fault. I am sure it could not have been a pleasant moment for him. But he even cleaned a bit. I really hope that this kid can get his shit together.
There was a certain point where I was asking my father if I was being too hard on him, and he said that not only did I need to protect myself, but doing anything other than this would simply be enabling the roommate for future mis-behavior.
I called (Mitchell) last night and got his voicemail. Right or wrong, the first thing that went through my head was, "He's probably doing what he was last Friday night... screwing around with someone else." Hmmmm... This is going to take a bit more time on my part. I dont think that it helps that our phone conversations feel colder than usual... But I think this last weekend hurt us both and it is just going to take a bit to work through it. I think this trip home in a few weeks will be very telling.
In any case, my apartment is clean, my life is back to a semblance of normality, I have had some interest in the apartment already, and now I just get to focus on midterms. Wish me luck!
I had a few friends over yesterday for "lunch" while the roommate moved out. It went quite smoothly realy, even though you could feel the resentment in the air. It sucks to have shit come crashing down around you, and it sucks even worse to know that it is your fault. I am sure it could not have been a pleasant moment for him. But he even cleaned a bit. I really hope that this kid can get his shit together.
There was a certain point where I was asking my father if I was being too hard on him, and he said that not only did I need to protect myself, but doing anything other than this would simply be enabling the roommate for future mis-behavior.
I called (Mitchell) last night and got his voicemail. Right or wrong, the first thing that went through my head was, "He's probably doing what he was last Friday night... screwing around with someone else." Hmmmm... This is going to take a bit more time on my part. I dont think that it helps that our phone conversations feel colder than usual... But I think this last weekend hurt us both and it is just going to take a bit to work through it. I think this trip home in a few weeks will be very telling.
In any case, my apartment is clean, my life is back to a semblance of normality, I have had some interest in the apartment already, and now I just get to focus on midterms. Wish me luck!
Friday, September 30, 2005
"They might even find our government's credibility... Even in the 'city' of Louisiana
Wow... This guy is almost as sexy as Anderson Cooper going after that lady Senator. Check it out:
http://media.putfile.com/OlbermannSwings
http://media.putfile.com/OlbermannSwings
Ummm... What a week
Yes Brett, an update has indeed been in store. Especially given the new circumstances.
Something that I failed to document during the relationship strife I dealt with last weekend was the fact that I got home Tuesday night and discovered that about $200 worth of my boxed DVDs were missing. (actually, some were Mitchell's, but nonetheless). I confronted my roommate, and he claimed no knowledge of how they had disappeared. The best he could come up with was, "Maybe I left my door unlocked." Whatever. I made it very clear that as he was the only person home over the weekend, he was responsible for recovering the loss.
The next day, I came home to find that and additional $200 worth of DVDs were missing since the day before. What???
After I talked with my landlord about my options, I was on the elevator back up, and hit the 17 button for my floor. A fairly dingy looking man asked me if I was the lawyer in 1709. I hesitantly confirmed, since i am not really a lawyer (yet). Anyway, this guy knew all sorts of stuff about my apartment and told me that he had been over during the weekend. Hmmmm.... He told me he would stop by later because he had something to tell me. Odd, but whatever.
About an hour later, I am trying to get in a nap before buckling down for mid-term studies, when this guy "Danny" knocks on the door. He claims that my roommate pawned my DVDs off for drugs on Saturday and that he knows the guy that can get them for me, if I have $40 I can bring along. So I scoop up my cash, and follow this guy downstairs. He is telling me that he lives with his brothers here in 1409, and that he just felt bad that my stuff got taken. Gee, what a nice guy.
So I follow "Danny" outside, and he asks for my phone to call the guy who has my stuff. He starts trying to edge me down the sidewalk further and further away from the building, and I start feeling totally sketch about the situation. At that point I saw another guy from my floor, flagged him over, and asked him to accompany us. He befuddledly assented. At this point "Danny" starts wigging out that I dont trust him and that I should just call the cops. I get my phone back, go inside and do just that.
While waiting for the hour or so for the cops to show up, the guys from 1409 come down, tell me that "Danny" doesnt live with them, but that he had convinced one of them to take him to the CD Warehouse on Lake St. and sell the DVDs in his name. Hmmm.... So essentially this confirms that Danny was luring me away from the building and trying to shrift $40 from me. Shady for sure.
Meanwhile, I pay for maitenance to make an emergency lock change to my apartment, and call my roommate at his work and tell him he is no longer welcome there. Whether he sold my DVDs for drugs (2x) or he just let this Danny guy into the apartment and failed to notice as he walked off with ARMLOADS of DVDs (2x) (along with a UWM sweatshirt that belonged to the roommate) I really dont care. I somehow got involved in this drug scheme, and I am not up for that. In fact I am very much out. I had warned the roommate against this sort of behavior, and here I am $400 worth of stuff stolen, and not feeling real empathetic for my roommate. EVERYONE had warned me against living with him, and I had given him a fair shot. But thats all he gets.
Anyway, the cop shows up, and doesnt care much about the details of what has just happened. For him, he saw this as "property removed while under care of roommate," not giving any thought to the coke addict that had just tried to screw me or the fact that my goods were now sitting at the CD Warehouse (more on this later). He advised me NOT to throw the roommates stuff on the street, and not to expect any further help from the police in this matter, as it was small potatoes to them. Great.
At this point I was surrounded by about 6 good friends from the law school. I love these people. They are totally willing to be there for me in a way that I had to work very hard to achieve in undergrad. Even then, I really only felt like i could consistently call on only a few people, and you know who you are.
Since this all went down, I have been trying to restore order. The roommate just picked up the rest of his stuff, seemed nice enough, though understandably cold. I hope things work out well for him, and I hope that we can still be friends when all is said and done.
I went with a friend to the CD Warehouse yesterday, found the box sets on the shelves, brought them forward with the police report, and had them look up the intake records. Turns out that they had received ALL of the DVDs that I was missing in the last four days. One of the intakes was indeed from the guy in 1409. Hmmm... Seems like a pretty solid string of evidence, huh? Well, they won't turn over my DVDs until the cops come and get them, and the cops won't come and get them because they dont care. Hmmm... That sucks. Fortunately I am insured, so it is simply a matter of getting (Mitchell) and a few friends to verify that I had these specific DVDs in my possession.
Oh, and CD Warehouse? That's shady right there. Whatever. I am over this stuff. This week has been incredibly DRAMA, and I am looking forward to life stabalizing a bit. I am looking forward to the apartment stabalizing, my relationship stabalizing, and just getting to the work at hand. This was kinda a kick in the pants to motivate my prayer life, which it has done, but I am ready for some calm. Thank God for a loving and patient boyfriend to listen to me rant through this stuff. Thank God for friends both new and old who talked with me and stayed with me and let me eat their chinese food when I was scared to go back to my own apartment. Thank God for family who will always understand and will always side with me on all my problems.
Well, that's my update. The next two weeks starting Monday are solid midterms, but life is more normal now, so I guess we can just pressume that my life has returned to its normal boring stasis (seriously no complaints at this point).
Something that I failed to document during the relationship strife I dealt with last weekend was the fact that I got home Tuesday night and discovered that about $200 worth of my boxed DVDs were missing. (actually, some were Mitchell's, but nonetheless). I confronted my roommate, and he claimed no knowledge of how they had disappeared. The best he could come up with was, "Maybe I left my door unlocked." Whatever. I made it very clear that as he was the only person home over the weekend, he was responsible for recovering the loss.
The next day, I came home to find that and additional $200 worth of DVDs were missing since the day before. What???
After I talked with my landlord about my options, I was on the elevator back up, and hit the 17 button for my floor. A fairly dingy looking man asked me if I was the lawyer in 1709. I hesitantly confirmed, since i am not really a lawyer (yet). Anyway, this guy knew all sorts of stuff about my apartment and told me that he had been over during the weekend. Hmmmm.... He told me he would stop by later because he had something to tell me. Odd, but whatever.
About an hour later, I am trying to get in a nap before buckling down for mid-term studies, when this guy "Danny" knocks on the door. He claims that my roommate pawned my DVDs off for drugs on Saturday and that he knows the guy that can get them for me, if I have $40 I can bring along. So I scoop up my cash, and follow this guy downstairs. He is telling me that he lives with his brothers here in 1409, and that he just felt bad that my stuff got taken. Gee, what a nice guy.
So I follow "Danny" outside, and he asks for my phone to call the guy who has my stuff. He starts trying to edge me down the sidewalk further and further away from the building, and I start feeling totally sketch about the situation. At that point I saw another guy from my floor, flagged him over, and asked him to accompany us. He befuddledly assented. At this point "Danny" starts wigging out that I dont trust him and that I should just call the cops. I get my phone back, go inside and do just that.
While waiting for the hour or so for the cops to show up, the guys from 1409 come down, tell me that "Danny" doesnt live with them, but that he had convinced one of them to take him to the CD Warehouse on Lake St. and sell the DVDs in his name. Hmmm.... So essentially this confirms that Danny was luring me away from the building and trying to shrift $40 from me. Shady for sure.
Meanwhile, I pay for maitenance to make an emergency lock change to my apartment, and call my roommate at his work and tell him he is no longer welcome there. Whether he sold my DVDs for drugs (2x) or he just let this Danny guy into the apartment and failed to notice as he walked off with ARMLOADS of DVDs (2x) (along with a UWM sweatshirt that belonged to the roommate) I really dont care. I somehow got involved in this drug scheme, and I am not up for that. In fact I am very much out. I had warned the roommate against this sort of behavior, and here I am $400 worth of stuff stolen, and not feeling real empathetic for my roommate. EVERYONE had warned me against living with him, and I had given him a fair shot. But thats all he gets.
Anyway, the cop shows up, and doesnt care much about the details of what has just happened. For him, he saw this as "property removed while under care of roommate," not giving any thought to the coke addict that had just tried to screw me or the fact that my goods were now sitting at the CD Warehouse (more on this later). He advised me NOT to throw the roommates stuff on the street, and not to expect any further help from the police in this matter, as it was small potatoes to them. Great.
At this point I was surrounded by about 6 good friends from the law school. I love these people. They are totally willing to be there for me in a way that I had to work very hard to achieve in undergrad. Even then, I really only felt like i could consistently call on only a few people, and you know who you are.
Since this all went down, I have been trying to restore order. The roommate just picked up the rest of his stuff, seemed nice enough, though understandably cold. I hope things work out well for him, and I hope that we can still be friends when all is said and done.
I went with a friend to the CD Warehouse yesterday, found the box sets on the shelves, brought them forward with the police report, and had them look up the intake records. Turns out that they had received ALL of the DVDs that I was missing in the last four days. One of the intakes was indeed from the guy in 1409. Hmmm... Seems like a pretty solid string of evidence, huh? Well, they won't turn over my DVDs until the cops come and get them, and the cops won't come and get them because they dont care. Hmmm... That sucks. Fortunately I am insured, so it is simply a matter of getting (Mitchell) and a few friends to verify that I had these specific DVDs in my possession.
Oh, and CD Warehouse? That's shady right there. Whatever. I am over this stuff. This week has been incredibly DRAMA, and I am looking forward to life stabalizing a bit. I am looking forward to the apartment stabalizing, my relationship stabalizing, and just getting to the work at hand. This was kinda a kick in the pants to motivate my prayer life, which it has done, but I am ready for some calm. Thank God for a loving and patient boyfriend to listen to me rant through this stuff. Thank God for friends both new and old who talked with me and stayed with me and let me eat their chinese food when I was scared to go back to my own apartment. Thank God for family who will always understand and will always side with me on all my problems.
Well, that's my update. The next two weeks starting Monday are solid midterms, but life is more normal now, so I guess we can just pressume that my life has returned to its normal boring stasis (seriously no complaints at this point).
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Some sage advice:
A note from a friend about this situation:
For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...
I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.
I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.
I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.
This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.
For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...
I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.
I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.
I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.
This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.
The Ten Percent Rule
I am tired, and sad, and tired of being sad. This weekend was definitely rough. It actually felt really good to get back to Minneapolis, a feeling that I am used to being reversed.
Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.
I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.
There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.
1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.
2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.
3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.
The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.
So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.
I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.
Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.
I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.
There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.
1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.
2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.
3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.
The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.
So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.
I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Well, this sucks. Just not me. Someone else.
I don’t even know where to start this… Oh, I know:
First of all, to the wretch of a little man who can’t find his own boyfriend: I have never been so insanely angry at one single person in my life. I truly want nothing better right now than to cause you great amounts of pain, and I don’t know that I am big enough to stop myself from trying if I were to see you out. I considered you a friend and would have never expected you to stab me in the back like this. Are you trying to get back at me because I wouldn’t sleep with you? If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would go and run out in front of a truck. Who sleeps with their friends’ boyfriends? What kind of person are you?
Okay. So arrive this morning after having stayed in all last night (Friday night, no less) trying to get my first memo written for class. Not fun stuff. But I knew that if I wanted to enjoy this weekend with Mitchell, I needed to get it completed. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, packed and got my ass in gear, all the while trying to figure out the best way to buy flowers for him along the way. (all the shops were closed, and the ones at the airport were ghetto… instead I bought him Starbucks). I make my way to Milwaukee, he picks me up, and I notice that his neck is all puffy and bruised… Wait. Those are hickies.
Turns out that I have to twenty-question him to find out that he slept with Al, a friend I had made over the summer. (I am less concerned because it was Al, but I am more pissed that Al would betray me like that). We take a VERY long route home, and try to talk through it. I am way way more pissed about the inconsiderate nature of having someone in the bed the night before I show up and leaving evidence on his body. What the Fuck? This trip meant SO much to me, and I went through great efforts that I would be able to focus on Mitchell during it. And he can’t resist someone the night before I come back to his home? At one point I very pointedly asked him if he had even changed the sheets. Jesus. Now I have to stare at his neck all weekend. I am not even sure that I can sleep with him. I just tried to take a nap with him, and ended up waking up with a heart-pounding rage that I cannot even remember ever having before, wanting to break Al’s legs. It doesn’t seem inappropriate to me at all. Even now, I am thinking about how easy it would be to have some of my MU buddies scare the shit out of him. Some of my old friends would rather enjoy doing that for me too.
I called Justine, then Meg (new law school friend) then Jeff. Thank God for Jeff, because he KNOWS this stuff. He is good at seeing the balance between love and sex, and recognizing what lies between and beneath all of these things. If I had gone to talk to Mitchell after hanging up with Justine, I probably would have broken up with him then and there. “You deserve somebody who will treat you with the consideration you have always had for others. This sort of selfish move is not acceptable.” Good thing Jeff evened my keel. Justine is not wrong. I do deserve those things. But I don’t know that this event indicates that I can’t get that from Mitchell. Maybe I am wrong, in which case I will look back on this day as a very sad omen. Although, I am not sure how else to look back upon it.
I have forgiven Mitchell’s end of it. We all screw up. He and I have a future together, and that is not altered by a night of indiscretion. He feels badly. He knows, and saw, how hurt this whole thing made me. I think his future extra-relationship dalliances will be a bit more discrete. Now I am just trying to wrap my head around trying to feel like normal with him again, like he isn’t used goods. I don’t think I can sleep in that bed this weekend. I just looked at its freshly made sheets, with the knowledge that Mitchell changes his sheets once in a blue moon, and had no choice but to acknowledge what had happened there the night before. Hell, just take one look at his neck and there is no way but to see that I, at least for last night, wasn’t the one Mitchell wanted to be with. Jeff says that 3 weeks is a long time to go without sex. I don’t even want to debate that. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the amount of energy, time and money I dedicated into being with him this weekend, and such a selfish move on his part could have ruined it.
>>>edited for discretion, see file<<<
First of all, to the wretch of a little man who can’t find his own boyfriend: I have never been so insanely angry at one single person in my life. I truly want nothing better right now than to cause you great amounts of pain, and I don’t know that I am big enough to stop myself from trying if I were to see you out. I considered you a friend and would have never expected you to stab me in the back like this. Are you trying to get back at me because I wouldn’t sleep with you? If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would go and run out in front of a truck. Who sleeps with their friends’ boyfriends? What kind of person are you?
Okay. So arrive this morning after having stayed in all last night (Friday night, no less) trying to get my first memo written for class. Not fun stuff. But I knew that if I wanted to enjoy this weekend with Mitchell, I needed to get it completed. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, packed and got my ass in gear, all the while trying to figure out the best way to buy flowers for him along the way. (all the shops were closed, and the ones at the airport were ghetto… instead I bought him Starbucks). I make my way to Milwaukee, he picks me up, and I notice that his neck is all puffy and bruised… Wait. Those are hickies.
Turns out that I have to twenty-question him to find out that he slept with Al, a friend I had made over the summer. (I am less concerned because it was Al, but I am more pissed that Al would betray me like that). We take a VERY long route home, and try to talk through it. I am way way more pissed about the inconsiderate nature of having someone in the bed the night before I show up and leaving evidence on his body. What the Fuck? This trip meant SO much to me, and I went through great efforts that I would be able to focus on Mitchell during it. And he can’t resist someone the night before I come back to his home? At one point I very pointedly asked him if he had even changed the sheets. Jesus. Now I have to stare at his neck all weekend. I am not even sure that I can sleep with him. I just tried to take a nap with him, and ended up waking up with a heart-pounding rage that I cannot even remember ever having before, wanting to break Al’s legs. It doesn’t seem inappropriate to me at all. Even now, I am thinking about how easy it would be to have some of my MU buddies scare the shit out of him. Some of my old friends would rather enjoy doing that for me too.
I called Justine, then Meg (new law school friend) then Jeff. Thank God for Jeff, because he KNOWS this stuff. He is good at seeing the balance between love and sex, and recognizing what lies between and beneath all of these things. If I had gone to talk to Mitchell after hanging up with Justine, I probably would have broken up with him then and there. “You deserve somebody who will treat you with the consideration you have always had for others. This sort of selfish move is not acceptable.” Good thing Jeff evened my keel. Justine is not wrong. I do deserve those things. But I don’t know that this event indicates that I can’t get that from Mitchell. Maybe I am wrong, in which case I will look back on this day as a very sad omen. Although, I am not sure how else to look back upon it.
I have forgiven Mitchell’s end of it. We all screw up. He and I have a future together, and that is not altered by a night of indiscretion. He feels badly. He knows, and saw, how hurt this whole thing made me. I think his future extra-relationship dalliances will be a bit more discrete. Now I am just trying to wrap my head around trying to feel like normal with him again, like he isn’t used goods. I don’t think I can sleep in that bed this weekend. I just looked at its freshly made sheets, with the knowledge that Mitchell changes his sheets once in a blue moon, and had no choice but to acknowledge what had happened there the night before. Hell, just take one look at his neck and there is no way but to see that I, at least for last night, wasn’t the one Mitchell wanted to be with. Jeff says that 3 weeks is a long time to go without sex. I don’t even want to debate that. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the amount of energy, time and money I dedicated into being with him this weekend, and such a selfish move on his part could have ruined it.
>>>edited for discretion, see file<<<
Friday, September 23, 2005
Can't hardly wait...
Just got done (substantially) with my memo for class. Geez. That was a lot of work. More to look forward to I am afraid. I just had to get it done, ignoring calls and my roommates pleas for a social life. I am extatic about getting back to (Mitchell) this weekend. I can't wait to hold him. I am jittery. Well, early bed, since i have to get up early for the flight. I'll be in your arms shortly baby!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Short of breath
I dont know what's with me at the moment. I just got so sad. I feel like I want to cry. Life feels utterly uncontrolable, and while I try very hard to accept that the universe tends to unfold as it should, I think I just got very tired. Tired of showing the happy, at ease exterior that everyone knows. I guess just for this moment I need everything to be still. To be right. There is only so long I can dodge. Part of me is still shaking from how perfect and calm and thrilling this summer was. I am a bit jarred by being ripped out of that world and set back to the hour-after-hour day-after-day marathon that I have set myself in. It just feels like too much to handle right now.
Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.
Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.
Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.
Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.
Socialist? Big Surprise.
| You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (16% permissive) You are best described as a:
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I am NOT a fan of gravel...
It's Wednesday. And although I didnt have my 9am today, I am tired from this week. It is not that I have been working particularly hard (went to BW3s last night then drank 2 40s with friends from school... needless to say, not a particularly productive evening). I guess we are starting to be faced with the prospect of more and more work, and just when we are getting used to the daily readings as it was. But nonetheless, I get to go back to Milwaukee this weekend, and am phenominally excited. There can be no measure to the comfort I feel being back in a city like I know, with a man I love.
Enough of that.
I just found out the election results for the student government 1L representatives. I guess I am surprised. Not terrifically disappointed, but surprised. It was nowhere NEAR the popularity contest that I expected. None of the cool kids one. Unfortunately I, after so many years as the gangly odd-humored one, am now one of the cool kids. I purposefully did not campaign AT ALL, and just banked on the fact that people know me and generally enjoy my presence, so I figured that would be sufficient to get the votes needed (It almost did too. I came "incredibly close" as the election guy said). Really, if you look at who was elected, it wasnt the particularly cool kids, or the ones who campaigned the most, it was the four students that truly, truly, truly are probably the best for the position. Three out of the four of them I thought about voting for (in fact I did vote for one).
What does this mean? Nothing more than I am still free to enjoy the friends I am quickly making and kep being the "cool" guy around here. Funny though, it looks like I am finally in a world where real merit counts. Cool. I can work with that.
Enough of that.
I just found out the election results for the student government 1L representatives. I guess I am surprised. Not terrifically disappointed, but surprised. It was nowhere NEAR the popularity contest that I expected. None of the cool kids one. Unfortunately I, after so many years as the gangly odd-humored one, am now one of the cool kids. I purposefully did not campaign AT ALL, and just banked on the fact that people know me and generally enjoy my presence, so I figured that would be sufficient to get the votes needed (It almost did too. I came "incredibly close" as the election guy said). Really, if you look at who was elected, it wasnt the particularly cool kids, or the ones who campaigned the most, it was the four students that truly, truly, truly are probably the best for the position. Three out of the four of them I thought about voting for (in fact I did vote for one).
What does this mean? Nothing more than I am still free to enjoy the friends I am quickly making and kep being the "cool" guy around here. Funny though, it looks like I am finally in a world where real merit counts. Cool. I can work with that.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
One day down, how many more to go?
Feeling a bit better today. Not substantially though. Just enough for things to be looking up though. Plus, tonight was a low-homework night. Yeah! We just had our first memo assigned for the end of the month... Fun stuff (not really though). I had an 8am meeting today at the Bar Assoc. office with pretty much all the big-wigs of pro-bono in the Cities. My mentor introduced me to a bunch of cool people, including one lady who could potentially be my boss at a clinic i applied for. Nice. I also had the pleasure of sitting next to Sara, who works for my school. She is the one whose office I bawled in the other day... Yeah, anyway, she and I have become buddies. It is really nice. She relies on me to say all the liberal, sarcastic jibbing comments that she can no longer make because she is an employee. We ended up going to lunch together too... If I didnt know any better, I would think that she needed a friend too. How conveeeenient.
I tried to make an appointment today for an allergist, as I may be allergic to Adam's cat. First of all, my only phone is a cell. And today is the last day in a billing cycle that I have gone slightly over on my minutes. So I was not looking to spend much time on the phone. But of course, the lady on the phone couldnt just get my name and the time of my appointment... Oh no. She needed to get my full info, my Dad's full info, my patient history, my insurance info... I strongly objected at this point, saying, "Can't I just fill out a form when I get to the office?" No, she responded, we have to have this to make an appointment.... Whatever. Then she asked me to hold. I told her I wouldnt. She put me on hold anyway. I hung up. Grrrrr... Stupidity in customer relations. Im going to the allergist that happens to be 7 floors above them. Not good to suck with patient skills when your competition is upstairs.
I have been waking up at 6am to get a work out in at the begining of the day. That and eating uber-healthy, I figure my body is due for a jump-start at this point. Hopefully the endorphines will help with everything, including my sleep cycles. I have gotten far too accostumbed to my mid-day naps.
(Mitchell) had his job review today, and I have been nervous for him all day. His bosses are so abusive, and I would love to see him quit because the job makes him so unhappy. He just found out that two of his employees are pregnant (tis the season I guess...) and his bosses' first reactions were to fire the girls. One of them has been working there full time for over two years. Anyway, I am nervous because (Mitchell) stands up for his employees very well, but never stands up for himself. I hope he gets some satisfaction from this review.
Grandpa starts chemo this week, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. They are thinking though that if this is successful he could have another couple years under his belt. Maybe enough chance for me to really get to know him... That is my whole regret with this whole thing, is that I feel like he closed off to me when Mom died and he has never really been that approachable anyway... I guess now would be the time to make that effort.
I think I am getting the knack of this law school thing. I almost feel as if it's too easy (talk to me come finals). Regarding the (Mitchell) thing one of you wrote about, I totally agree, this may be working out better in the long run for our relationship. If anything, I think it is strengthening how we feel about each other. I went back to Milwaukee 2 weekends ago, and am going back again at the end of this month, and we really are able to value that time together, which also helps the relationship too. It is totally psychotic of me after only 3 months with him, but I spent about 3 hours on Saturday looking at different engagement rings online. SICK!!! ;-)
I tried to make an appointment today for an allergist, as I may be allergic to Adam's cat. First of all, my only phone is a cell. And today is the last day in a billing cycle that I have gone slightly over on my minutes. So I was not looking to spend much time on the phone. But of course, the lady on the phone couldnt just get my name and the time of my appointment... Oh no. She needed to get my full info, my Dad's full info, my patient history, my insurance info... I strongly objected at this point, saying, "Can't I just fill out a form when I get to the office?" No, she responded, we have to have this to make an appointment.... Whatever. Then she asked me to hold. I told her I wouldnt. She put me on hold anyway. I hung up. Grrrrr... Stupidity in customer relations. Im going to the allergist that happens to be 7 floors above them. Not good to suck with patient skills when your competition is upstairs.
I have been waking up at 6am to get a work out in at the begining of the day. That and eating uber-healthy, I figure my body is due for a jump-start at this point. Hopefully the endorphines will help with everything, including my sleep cycles. I have gotten far too accostumbed to my mid-day naps.
(Mitchell) had his job review today, and I have been nervous for him all day. His bosses are so abusive, and I would love to see him quit because the job makes him so unhappy. He just found out that two of his employees are pregnant (tis the season I guess...) and his bosses' first reactions were to fire the girls. One of them has been working there full time for over two years. Anyway, I am nervous because (Mitchell) stands up for his employees very well, but never stands up for himself. I hope he gets some satisfaction from this review.
Grandpa starts chemo this week, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. They are thinking though that if this is successful he could have another couple years under his belt. Maybe enough chance for me to really get to know him... That is my whole regret with this whole thing, is that I feel like he closed off to me when Mom died and he has never really been that approachable anyway... I guess now would be the time to make that effort.
I think I am getting the knack of this law school thing. I almost feel as if it's too easy (talk to me come finals). Regarding the (Mitchell) thing one of you wrote about, I totally agree, this may be working out better in the long run for our relationship. If anything, I think it is strengthening how we feel about each other. I went back to Milwaukee 2 weekends ago, and am going back again at the end of this month, and we really are able to value that time together, which also helps the relationship too. It is totally psychotic of me after only 3 months with him, but I spent about 3 hours on Saturday looking at different engagement rings online. SICK!!! ;-)
Monday, September 12, 2005
Monday, bloody monday
My prayer is that I can just make it through this day. I woke up at 5am not being able to breathe and with my eyes crusted closed. Not a good feeling. After I couldnt get back to sleep, I went and worked out for a little while, but had little energy to expend on it. At least I made the effort, right?
I now have classes from 9-12pm and then a meeting at 4:30... Which means i dont get out of here till 5ish. Yeah fun. Hopefully I can get a second wind (it's 9am and I need a second wind. Sad) and pull through the day. Yuck. Not a good way to start the week.
I now have classes from 9-12pm and then a meeting at 4:30... Which means i dont get out of here till 5ish. Yeah fun. Hopefully I can get a second wind (it's 9am and I need a second wind. Sad) and pull through the day. Yuck. Not a good way to start the week.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Twice on Sundays
Didnt do much of anything. I think my sickness is catching up to me sleep-wise. But I am finally feeling less miserable. Thank God. I really didnt think I was going to make it there for a little while.
I went and watched Adam play softball today. The point was really to get out of the apartment and meet some new people, but I didnt really hit it off with anyone. I did, however, realize that I could easily join a team next year without embarrassing myself. I talked to (Mitchell) later and he said that we could play on a team together... Either if I return to Milwaukee or... the "other option." The idea of next summer already has me giddy. Is that healthy?
Friday night was mostly centered on me throwing together a BBQ for a bunch of my law school friends. Very Very casual, about 12 people, just chilled and grilled out at my place. It was very nice. I had FAR too much meat, as I over estimated people's appetites. I guess I am far too used to the college scene, where if you offer food, people come in droves with voracious appetites. I had Ted help out with the grill (after which he gave me a shoulder rub... what? not normal straight-boy activity). After everyone dispersed, Ann and I cleaned up and watched and Angel episode and CAMP. Fun night. I was exhausted though... I mean, I cut up my own cheese platter and made my own potato salad. That is some major entertaining right there.
The week had been tough. I think I mainly didnt write because I didnt want to vocalize how negative everything seemed. Kinda a karma thing about putting that sort of negativity into the air. Tuesday, the day that I went back, was one of those days that everything that could go wrong did. Between a 9am call that I had bounced a 5-figure check to hearing that I was rejected from the volunteer position at the Women's Shelter because I am a man (actually its becuase they had already filled the spot, but I didnt find that out until later) and walking into my Contracts classroom to find anti-gay biblical interpretation written on the board and having to interupt the Prof to have it removed. All that combined with feeling incredibly and debilitatingly sick... Yuck. I ended the day by breaking down in the MJF coordinator's office. Great. The second week of classes and I am already crying in the principal's office.
The week got better. With the help of many long distance friends, and bitch-festing it on the phone with (mitchell) I survived. I think the thing is that the stuff going on in my life is small stuff. Small and crappy to be sure, but small stuff. But without the support that I grow so used to in my communities (most recently Marquette) I end up feeling very alone in a world where the small crap is piling up around me. Fortunately though, I feel like I am quickly establishing a group of people here that I can share the little stuff with. I ended up having a meeting with the Dean about the anti-gay thing. He was incredibly supportive, and I held my cool.
Now that it is the weekend, I have just some basic reading and catch-up to do, along with some organizing in my room. As much as it sucks to be away from the boy this weekend, it is really nice ot have the time to just chill and get life organized. Maybe I will finally write those thank-you cards I have been meaning to send.
As for this week, it will be a busier week. I will have to get reconnected to a new volunteer site, I am meeting with my mentor again on Tues (8am!! yuck!) watching the 8th Federal Circuit Ct. of Appeals on Thursday all morning, and I suppose starting a Student Government race. It is kinda funny: going out to the bars and talking with people, various classmates have approached me as "the shu-in" candidate. Between my little "You're Jewish" fiasco last week bringing me certain notarity, and just being a loud-mouth, I guess that I have made a mark for myself already. One girl was talking about how she was going to have to make tshirts and buttons and poster if she was going to "compete" with me. There are 4 spots, and I have actually been encouraging people to run because I dont want to get stuck working with the social outcasts of the class just by default. But there will be no tshirts or buttons. Probably not even posters. I dont think i care that much about winning. To be sure, I would care about the position, but that's a different thing. Anyway... I need to sleep now. Cuddle up to my "versatile pillow" that I imagine is (Mitchell).
Oh... and for my own sanity... reference private diary from this day
I went and watched Adam play softball today. The point was really to get out of the apartment and meet some new people, but I didnt really hit it off with anyone. I did, however, realize that I could easily join a team next year without embarrassing myself. I talked to (Mitchell) later and he said that we could play on a team together... Either if I return to Milwaukee or... the "other option." The idea of next summer already has me giddy. Is that healthy?
Friday night was mostly centered on me throwing together a BBQ for a bunch of my law school friends. Very Very casual, about 12 people, just chilled and grilled out at my place. It was very nice. I had FAR too much meat, as I over estimated people's appetites. I guess I am far too used to the college scene, where if you offer food, people come in droves with voracious appetites. I had Ted help out with the grill (after which he gave me a shoulder rub... what? not normal straight-boy activity). After everyone dispersed, Ann and I cleaned up and watched and Angel episode and CAMP. Fun night. I was exhausted though... I mean, I cut up my own cheese platter and made my own potato salad. That is some major entertaining right there.
The week had been tough. I think I mainly didnt write because I didnt want to vocalize how negative everything seemed. Kinda a karma thing about putting that sort of negativity into the air. Tuesday, the day that I went back, was one of those days that everything that could go wrong did. Between a 9am call that I had bounced a 5-figure check to hearing that I was rejected from the volunteer position at the Women's Shelter because I am a man (actually its becuase they had already filled the spot, but I didnt find that out until later) and walking into my Contracts classroom to find anti-gay biblical interpretation written on the board and having to interupt the Prof to have it removed. All that combined with feeling incredibly and debilitatingly sick... Yuck. I ended the day by breaking down in the MJF coordinator's office. Great. The second week of classes and I am already crying in the principal's office.
The week got better. With the help of many long distance friends, and bitch-festing it on the phone with (mitchell) I survived. I think the thing is that the stuff going on in my life is small stuff. Small and crappy to be sure, but small stuff. But without the support that I grow so used to in my communities (most recently Marquette) I end up feeling very alone in a world where the small crap is piling up around me. Fortunately though, I feel like I am quickly establishing a group of people here that I can share the little stuff with. I ended up having a meeting with the Dean about the anti-gay thing. He was incredibly supportive, and I held my cool.
Now that it is the weekend, I have just some basic reading and catch-up to do, along with some organizing in my room. As much as it sucks to be away from the boy this weekend, it is really nice ot have the time to just chill and get life organized. Maybe I will finally write those thank-you cards I have been meaning to send.
As for this week, it will be a busier week. I will have to get reconnected to a new volunteer site, I am meeting with my mentor again on Tues (8am!! yuck!) watching the 8th Federal Circuit Ct. of Appeals on Thursday all morning, and I suppose starting a Student Government race. It is kinda funny: going out to the bars and talking with people, various classmates have approached me as "the shu-in" candidate. Between my little "You're Jewish" fiasco last week bringing me certain notarity, and just being a loud-mouth, I guess that I have made a mark for myself already. One girl was talking about how she was going to have to make tshirts and buttons and poster if she was going to "compete" with me. There are 4 spots, and I have actually been encouraging people to run because I dont want to get stuck working with the social outcasts of the class just by default. But there will be no tshirts or buttons. Probably not even posters. I dont think i care that much about winning. To be sure, I would care about the position, but that's a different thing. Anyway... I need to sleep now. Cuddle up to my "versatile pillow" that I imagine is (Mitchell).
Oh... and for my own sanity... reference private diary from this day
Monday, September 05, 2005
Terrific rainstorms
I am in such denial that I have to go back to classes tomorrow. This weekend was such sweet release from the reality of work I have to remain in for the coming weeks. The weekend could be summed up by simply noting the comforting notion of familiarity of people who know you, people who love you and people who can make you laugh and smile.
Just being back in (Mitchell's) arms was enough for me. Seriously, I felt as though I simply couldnt get close enough to him. To hold him, to sleep with him. Friday night was phenominally romantic, not for any particular reason other than we had just both longed to be together for so long. I got some semblance of that feeling when I was living in Spain and I just longed for a hug. This was something like that. I breathe deeply just thinking of being back in (Mitchell's) embrace.
Saturday we were at a pool party with his closest group of friends, and there were moments that we held each other in the pool as everyone else was goofing around. It's one of those memories that you just want to last forever.
I walked into Fluid and I felt as though I was honestly missed. I walked into Caffrey's, and had a deluge of people great me warmly. I seriously had to say Hi to 6 people before I could make my way over to Will who had come up for the evening. Wow... Way to complete a weekend. Thank you to everyone who made me feel special.
On one level, I am an idiot for doing it. It was so phenominal to be back, and now I have to deal with the literal tears of seperating myself again. It is harder this time. Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can at least be somewhat non-depressive tomorrow. Night.
Just being back in (Mitchell's) arms was enough for me. Seriously, I felt as though I simply couldnt get close enough to him. To hold him, to sleep with him. Friday night was phenominally romantic, not for any particular reason other than we had just both longed to be together for so long. I got some semblance of that feeling when I was living in Spain and I just longed for a hug. This was something like that. I breathe deeply just thinking of being back in (Mitchell's) embrace.
Saturday we were at a pool party with his closest group of friends, and there were moments that we held each other in the pool as everyone else was goofing around. It's one of those memories that you just want to last forever.
I walked into Fluid and I felt as though I was honestly missed. I walked into Caffrey's, and had a deluge of people great me warmly. I seriously had to say Hi to 6 people before I could make my way over to Will who had come up for the evening. Wow... Way to complete a weekend. Thank you to everyone who made me feel special.
On one level, I am an idiot for doing it. It was so phenominal to be back, and now I have to deal with the literal tears of seperating myself again. It is harder this time. Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can at least be somewhat non-depressive tomorrow. Night.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Sanitizing my life
So, I had a classmate of mine want to become a "facebook friend" with me. Awesome. But it occurred to me that my facebook profile had various "gay elements" and a link to this blog, which can leave little doubt. Anyway, if you happen to be a UST law school student reading this, please understand that there is a reason that I have concealed certain information, namely that I didnt feel it time to reveal certain aspects of my life. It is important for people to get to know me for the totality of who I am, not just one aspect.
But on that same note, I am not willing to go so far as to hide things online, or change profiles, or whatever. I think that is just where my limit happens to be. So, please be sensitive with the information you are learning. That's all on that point.
Today is the first day that I feel like I truly can't do this. I dont think I want to do this... I don't know that I am prepared for three years of this. I know that this moment will pass, but I feel like absolute crud right now. I work my ass off just to feel like an idiot in class. Yuck. Granted, I didnt sleep well last night, and I am coming off of drinking too much caffeine during lunch today. But all I want right now is to get an easy job somewhere and go be with (Mitchell).
Going out with everyone tonight is much needed, as is my trip to Milwaukee this weekend. I'll make it through next week. Then the week after. It'll all be fine
I dont often unleash the full furor of my wrath, but I did let go today at the guys at TCF bank. I had just opened an account with them, putting a very large sum of money in an account. I went to access my account online, and it wouldnt let me register... Huh... So I go to a branch office, and it is because the guy who opened my account had misentered my Social Security number. Grrrr... What make it worse, was that I had caught this error when he made it and asked him to correct it. He had not... This was on Monday. I went absolutely ape-shit at the guy at the bank. I think my favorite line was, "So am I to understand that this sort of carelessness with numeric systems is tolerated at this bank?" I made it VERY clear that an error of this proportion would not be tolerated again. The stupid thing was that it was the BRANCH MANAGER who messed up the second time (he had corrected it in one place, but not another). WTF???
So anyway, otherwise things really are good. I am stressed about Grandpa, but dont know what to do about that. I found this AWESOME note taking/organizing software called Microsoft OneNote, and that makes me happy. I had a very pleasant evening last night cooking dinner for Adam and Christina and then playing pool and foosball with Adam while watching Lost. Then had a long conversation with (Mitchell). Good stuff. That stuff is what is going to pull me through.
I can do this.
But on that same note, I am not willing to go so far as to hide things online, or change profiles, or whatever. I think that is just where my limit happens to be. So, please be sensitive with the information you are learning. That's all on that point.
Today is the first day that I feel like I truly can't do this. I dont think I want to do this... I don't know that I am prepared for three years of this. I know that this moment will pass, but I feel like absolute crud right now. I work my ass off just to feel like an idiot in class. Yuck. Granted, I didnt sleep well last night, and I am coming off of drinking too much caffeine during lunch today. But all I want right now is to get an easy job somewhere and go be with (Mitchell).
Going out with everyone tonight is much needed, as is my trip to Milwaukee this weekend. I'll make it through next week. Then the week after. It'll all be fine
I dont often unleash the full furor of my wrath, but I did let go today at the guys at TCF bank. I had just opened an account with them, putting a very large sum of money in an account. I went to access my account online, and it wouldnt let me register... Huh... So I go to a branch office, and it is because the guy who opened my account had misentered my Social Security number. Grrrr... What make it worse, was that I had caught this error when he made it and asked him to correct it. He had not... This was on Monday. I went absolutely ape-shit at the guy at the bank. I think my favorite line was, "So am I to understand that this sort of carelessness with numeric systems is tolerated at this bank?" I made it VERY clear that an error of this proportion would not be tolerated again. The stupid thing was that it was the BRANCH MANAGER who messed up the second time (he had corrected it in one place, but not another). WTF???
So anyway, otherwise things really are good. I am stressed about Grandpa, but dont know what to do about that. I found this AWESOME note taking/organizing software called Microsoft OneNote, and that makes me happy. I had a very pleasant evening last night cooking dinner for Adam and Christina and then playing pool and foosball with Adam while watching Lost. Then had a long conversation with (Mitchell). Good stuff. That stuff is what is going to pull me through.
I can do this.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Things I can and cant control
It is officially Wednesday. This has become the ultimate hump day for me, since it is my longest day of classes. I was in the law school from 9am till 8:50pm last night. Fun times. And I am still (slightly) behind in one class. But nevertheless. I got home and Adam is settling in. Things are still working out great. I made a fajita burrito, had some espresso vodka, and went to bed. My life is lame.
Talked to Carey last night. She is doing okay. I dont know that she is getting as much help adjusting as I got at Marquette. She seems to be making the classic mistake of clinging to hard to her friends in MI. She'll be fine.
Talked to Dad this morning. Grandpa Thomas has cancer all over. No ideas what that means at the morning, he could have days, he could have years. My point to Dad was that the spots pointed out didnt seem to be vital organs (skin, colon, brain lining), so maybe he can last a while before it starts really killing him. Apparently, at this point Grandpa feels fine. I suppose that I am just clinging to any hope that I can grasp at. Part of this makes me feel worse because I have let such a distance grow between Grandpa T. and I. If it was Grandpa E, at least I would know that he knows how much I enjoy him, and how much he means to me. I am not even sure how strongly I feel about that with Grandpa T.
This sucks. I feel worse for Mae-Mae and Aunt Lise than anything else. I guess I just figured that since God took Mom so early, the rest of our family could stay intact indefinitely. This sucks.
Talked to Carey last night. She is doing okay. I dont know that she is getting as much help adjusting as I got at Marquette. She seems to be making the classic mistake of clinging to hard to her friends in MI. She'll be fine.
Talked to Dad this morning. Grandpa Thomas has cancer all over. No ideas what that means at the morning, he could have days, he could have years. My point to Dad was that the spots pointed out didnt seem to be vital organs (skin, colon, brain lining), so maybe he can last a while before it starts really killing him. Apparently, at this point Grandpa feels fine. I suppose that I am just clinging to any hope that I can grasp at. Part of this makes me feel worse because I have let such a distance grow between Grandpa T. and I. If it was Grandpa E, at least I would know that he knows how much I enjoy him, and how much he means to me. I am not even sure how strongly I feel about that with Grandpa T.
This sucks. I feel worse for Mae-Mae and Aunt Lise than anything else. I guess I just figured that since God took Mom so early, the rest of our family could stay intact indefinitely. This sucks.
Monday, August 29, 2005
banks and bus schedules
Today was my first day of class. It was fine. Just fine. I am not yet intimidated. One class was brutally boring. That may be a problem. I sit with some good people though. I am surrounded by students I hung out with during the orientation. Truly though, a majority of my day was spent taking care of the little details that just seem to creep up on you. I had to go to three banks (open an accoun, close an account >>Good riddence USBank<<, and cancel/order some checks. Meanwhile I had to deal with insurance stuff for my eye appointment, another trip to Target, various University business... Biggest thing was meeting with Sara from the Minnesota Justice Foundation. She hooked me up with the Chrysalis placement working with domestic abuse victims. She is totally cool. Very exuberant, and into her work. She made her comfort with GLBT issues so apparent that I came out to her by the end of the meeting. It just wasnt even an issue. She was like the ideal for an employee dealing with these issues. Anyway, there is some concern that I might not be right for the placement because I am a middle-class white male, but Sara is confident in me, so I will be too. Besides, I just have a feeling about this place. Other than that, I have been procratinating hard-core about tomorrow's assignments. Partially I think that i am just in denial. If I can just make it to this weekend... Probably not the right mindset to have for three years.
Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.
Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.
Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.
Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Entry for May 29, 2005
Tomorrow is my first day of classes. A little scary really, in that I am already behind in my homework. Yuck. Dad has been here since Friday afternoon, and it has been really nice just to chill with him. We haven’t had anything phenomenally big to do, so we have just been cruising around town, having him stretch his knee and me getting to know the city little by little (like all the one-way and restricted streets downtown).
I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:
May 28, 2005
“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:
Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul
Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord
Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)
Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.
And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.
I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.
There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”
As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.
What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.
I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:
May 28, 2005
“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:
Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul
Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord
Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)
Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.
And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.
I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.
There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”
As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.
What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.
Friday, August 26, 2005
154 nervous law students
Today is the official law school orientation. I have about 15 minutes to write, so this may be short. I barely made it to the program in time (literally one of the last to walk in) and we heard speeches from the dean, one of my future profs, and another guy (memorable, huh?). Not altogether boring.
Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.
I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.
Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.
Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.
Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.
I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.
Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.
Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Hand pressed against the wall
Had a heck of a time getting out of bed this morning. When I did I became obsenely productive, baking cookies for my neighbors (a "get-to-know-you" attempt that really comes more from me wanting to splice into an internet connection) and hanging pictures and organizing what is left in the boxes in my bedroom. Now I am sitting in the Law School computer lab tinkering before class in 20 minutes. Of course, I just discovered that I left my materials for class at home. Grrr. Oh well. I would go and get them, but I am just too lazy.
Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.
I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.
Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)
Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!
Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.
I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.
Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)
Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Goodbye Lesbians, Goodbye love
Here I be.
It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.
The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.
Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.
It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.
It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.
The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.
Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.
It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
im such a psycho
He just called. Aparently he was violently ill yesterday, and so that was why things turned out the way they did. He is thinking he may be developing an ulcer or something... But just talkign to him made me feel so much better about the whole thing. He said that thinking of seeing me tonight is just about the only thing that will get him through the day. This is the stuff, the side of him, that I need to see more of, because it friggin melts me when he is like that. It makes me regret freakin out about all this little stuff. Remember why I love him. Anyway... this is going to be okay.
Drink till you cant feel feelings
The word of the day is hangover.
Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.
I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.
Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?
At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.
Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.
I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.
Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?
At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I dont orgasm enough? You're telling me!
Okay. I am frusterated. Sexually. And grumpy. Perhaps tired too. I will probably delete this post tomorrow. But I am in a real funk with (Mitchell). It has been forever since he has expressed any sexual desire towards me, and I feel like my advances (and there are many) are constantly being turned down. What the fuck does this take?
At this point, it is Wednesday, and I have been with him straight since Saturday (when we did have sex... but only because I took a taxi to see him after he was too tired to meet me out... this is what I am talking about). Am I a horn-ball because I am 23? Perhaps. But it would help if he just showed SOME interest. I am not ready to go to the sleeping-buddy relationship this early in a relationship. He told me this whole porn thing last night that got me all revved up. About how the ONE night I had to work he had a giant libido. Oh, and another porn thing. We get home, and nothing. In fact he wouldnt even show me the one thing he was flaunting in my face at the bar. I dont get it. I feel like I am being played with.
Christina is in town for a couple days, and she and I came to the conclusion that he obviously needs to want me more. I derive that I need to spend fewer nights in his bed. Now, this is a shitty conclusion to come to 9 days before I move away from him, but at this point I am not getting any anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have been enjoying the easy escape from my apartment and the drama that comes with it by staying over-much at (Mitchell's).
We had our first tiff on Friday about me feeling like I was the only one who was showing any passion for the relationship. It really was more about emotion, but I guess that it also extends to sexual passion. I want to be with someone who wants me. I woke up this morning alone in his bed (this was after he passed out immediately last night after I DDed back from Madison). At first I imagined that he was making me breakfast or something sweet like that. No beans. He didnt feel well. Okay, I can be the good, understanding boyfriend about that... Fair enough... But when do I see the "good boyfriend" in return?
I have never had this become an issue in my past relationships. The sex was always just there. I never had to feel like I was fighting against lesbian bed-death. Maybe it's because I am NOT A LESBIAN! I am a 23-year-old gay male. One who is used to being appreciated for his looks, (dont ask me when was the last time he complimented me on something... the answer might be: never) (I got a hair cut yesterday... not one word from him... come ON! even my straight friends say the "nice haircut" thing... nothing) (aniversary #2) (normally I dont keep track of these things, but they are really starting to irritate me). One who is used to the availability of sex not being begged for. I mean, the number of telephone numbers I get on a Friday night at work... Anyway.
Okay. I Love him. I have said that. I will continue to say that. But this shit has got to get worked out, especially before I leave, because the last thing I want is to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. There is so much I adore about this guy... I just wish that he EXPRESSED those same feelings.
At this point, it is Wednesday, and I have been with him straight since Saturday (when we did have sex... but only because I took a taxi to see him after he was too tired to meet me out... this is what I am talking about). Am I a horn-ball because I am 23? Perhaps. But it would help if he just showed SOME interest. I am not ready to go to the sleeping-buddy relationship this early in a relationship. He told me this whole porn thing last night that got me all revved up. About how the ONE night I had to work he had a giant libido. Oh, and another porn thing. We get home, and nothing. In fact he wouldnt even show me the one thing he was flaunting in my face at the bar. I dont get it. I feel like I am being played with.
Christina is in town for a couple days, and she and I came to the conclusion that he obviously needs to want me more. I derive that I need to spend fewer nights in his bed. Now, this is a shitty conclusion to come to 9 days before I move away from him, but at this point I am not getting any anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have been enjoying the easy escape from my apartment and the drama that comes with it by staying over-much at (Mitchell's).
We had our first tiff on Friday about me feeling like I was the only one who was showing any passion for the relationship. It really was more about emotion, but I guess that it also extends to sexual passion. I want to be with someone who wants me. I woke up this morning alone in his bed (this was after he passed out immediately last night after I DDed back from Madison). At first I imagined that he was making me breakfast or something sweet like that. No beans. He didnt feel well. Okay, I can be the good, understanding boyfriend about that... Fair enough... But when do I see the "good boyfriend" in return?
I have never had this become an issue in my past relationships. The sex was always just there. I never had to feel like I was fighting against lesbian bed-death. Maybe it's because I am NOT A LESBIAN! I am a 23-year-old gay male. One who is used to being appreciated for his looks, (dont ask me when was the last time he complimented me on something... the answer might be: never) (I got a hair cut yesterday... not one word from him... come ON! even my straight friends say the "nice haircut" thing... nothing) (aniversary #2) (normally I dont keep track of these things, but they are really starting to irritate me). One who is used to the availability of sex not being begged for. I mean, the number of telephone numbers I get on a Friday night at work... Anyway.
Okay. I Love him. I have said that. I will continue to say that. But this shit has got to get worked out, especially before I leave, because the last thing I want is to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. There is so much I adore about this guy... I just wish that he EXPRESSED those same feelings.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Last night with Brian
Last night was my final shift with Brian. We have been working Mondays together for about a year, and since he is going to San Diego for softball, last night was it. Neither he or I are patently emotional people, but both of us recognized how much we are going to miss working together. We were kinda the perfect mix, being able to laugh and bitch to each other. He and I are SO much alike deep down, and I will definitely miss sitting up after bar close and chatting. Last night we were at the bar until 5am. I kinda have to laugh too, because as much as I am sad to leave, he is saddder because now he has to work with an employee he abhors. At least I know that I will be missed.
I am getting to the point where I am doing a lot of things "for the last time." I know I have been to this emotional place before with Spain, Venezuela, and even back home, but I have spent a majority of my adult life here. The memories I have made in little ole Milwaukee are not only substantial but also formulative. I am trying to make those last minute stops to say goodbye to the mentors and friends that are still around this summer, and I REALLY need to start writing those thank you notes I have been thinking about all summer.
What was really cool about last night's shift (which FLEW by in a most uncharacteristic way) was that I started a "recommendation form" for patrons to sign and add comments. Not only did I get some phenominally flattering feedback which made me feel a bit overwhelmed by the show of support, I must have had 6 people tell me that they had connections in Minneapolis that they would be sure to hook me up with. Brian is talking about coming to Minneapolis with Damien sometime early September specifically to help find me a job with his contacts.If I could just get into a spot for two happy hour shifts a week, just to get my foot in the door, I would be SUCH a happy camper.
It has been a long time since I wrote. I have been all over the place busy, but there has been a ton of stuff going on. I last left off with my trip to Chicago. I had lunch with Justine and we sat and just chatted. It is always so nice with her: it doesnt need to be exciting, we dont have to DO anything, we were just able to sit and be together. I love her for that. She seemed at a better spot emotionally with her job, which made me feel very relieved. After lunch I bought her a jade plant for her desk, and then had to deal with security at her building for like half and hour just trying to get it to her. Geez... But I had nowhere else to be, so it was nice to have that luxury.
From there I meandored downtown and ended up at a Borders where i stuck around while rain started pouring outside. Milwaukee and Chicago have had like zero rain this summer, and apparently it all decided to come down at once trapping me at Borders and then later in a Wrigleyville Cubs bar where i awkwardly stood and waited for John Lynch to pick me up. He and I ended up hanging out at one of the local watering holes catching up and drinking, then went to this AWESOME pasta joint (cheap and great) where Kim joined up with us. John and I were going on and on about Ben Stockwell proposing to Lauren Wakefield, his 8th grade girlfriend. At one point we called Ben and I havent talked to him in over a year, but he jokingly (?) mentioned something about me throwing Lauren a party. I laughed and reminded Ben that I hadnt seen the girl in literally 9 years. That shit is wierd to think about. Ben? Getting married? Who would have thought he would have been the first? The wedding is going to be in Florida this next May. Well, it certainly will be an exciting trip. My thought is that Anna, Sarah, John and I should all take a road trip out there. Our dates can fly. Wouldnt that be unreal?
Anyway, after a fun night that ended early enough to remind me how old i am getting, with an amusing stop at a convenience store, the next day Kim and I went to boystown, just to dick around. Didnt really do anything major, but I had never spent one-on-one time with her before, and it was nice. Ended up eating like fat kids at the IHOP and then grabbing a couple beers at Roscoes.
Next I took a (long-ass) train to Aurora to hang out with Will. Again, as with Justine, we didnt do anything phenominally exciting, but it was just good to chill with him for a bit. He just had gotten a restaurant job, and is already feeling a bit above it, but whatever. It's very temporary for him. God I pray that he gets into the Peace Corp. We went to go see "Hustle and Flow" which was really quite good. The acting was astounding. Good stuff. Some teenagers tried to pick a fight with us outside the theater about literally nothing. Go to bed kids. Whatever.
I woke up REALLY early the next morning so that I could go and spend much of the day with (Mitchell). He had been dissapointed that I had taken off on him for three days, and since Will had to work anyway, I figured that I could still get some time in with my boy.
So, that is my Chicago trip, which brings me to the Detroit trip with (Mitchell), our first tiff, him finding this blog, him saying "I love you" back to me... All sorts of good stuff that will just have to wait. Oh, but that Liz Phair lyric I love is:
Isnt this the best part of (waking)* up, finding someone else you just can't get enough of; Someone who wants to be with you too.
*Being the dumbass that I am, I didnt realize the lyric was "breakin up," instead I thought it was "wakin up." I like my version better. Deal with it.
I am getting to the point where I am doing a lot of things "for the last time." I know I have been to this emotional place before with Spain, Venezuela, and even back home, but I have spent a majority of my adult life here. The memories I have made in little ole Milwaukee are not only substantial but also formulative. I am trying to make those last minute stops to say goodbye to the mentors and friends that are still around this summer, and I REALLY need to start writing those thank you notes I have been thinking about all summer.
What was really cool about last night's shift (which FLEW by in a most uncharacteristic way) was that I started a "recommendation form" for patrons to sign and add comments. Not only did I get some phenominally flattering feedback which made me feel a bit overwhelmed by the show of support, I must have had 6 people tell me that they had connections in Minneapolis that they would be sure to hook me up with. Brian is talking about coming to Minneapolis with Damien sometime early September specifically to help find me a job with his contacts.If I could just get into a spot for two happy hour shifts a week, just to get my foot in the door, I would be SUCH a happy camper.
It has been a long time since I wrote. I have been all over the place busy, but there has been a ton of stuff going on. I last left off with my trip to Chicago. I had lunch with Justine and we sat and just chatted. It is always so nice with her: it doesnt need to be exciting, we dont have to DO anything, we were just able to sit and be together. I love her for that. She seemed at a better spot emotionally with her job, which made me feel very relieved. After lunch I bought her a jade plant for her desk, and then had to deal with security at her building for like half and hour just trying to get it to her. Geez... But I had nowhere else to be, so it was nice to have that luxury.
From there I meandored downtown and ended up at a Borders where i stuck around while rain started pouring outside. Milwaukee and Chicago have had like zero rain this summer, and apparently it all decided to come down at once trapping me at Borders and then later in a Wrigleyville Cubs bar where i awkwardly stood and waited for John Lynch to pick me up. He and I ended up hanging out at one of the local watering holes catching up and drinking, then went to this AWESOME pasta joint (cheap and great) where Kim joined up with us. John and I were going on and on about Ben Stockwell proposing to Lauren Wakefield, his 8th grade girlfriend. At one point we called Ben and I havent talked to him in over a year, but he jokingly (?) mentioned something about me throwing Lauren a party. I laughed and reminded Ben that I hadnt seen the girl in literally 9 years. That shit is wierd to think about. Ben? Getting married? Who would have thought he would have been the first? The wedding is going to be in Florida this next May. Well, it certainly will be an exciting trip. My thought is that Anna, Sarah, John and I should all take a road trip out there. Our dates can fly. Wouldnt that be unreal?
Anyway, after a fun night that ended early enough to remind me how old i am getting, with an amusing stop at a convenience store, the next day Kim and I went to boystown, just to dick around. Didnt really do anything major, but I had never spent one-on-one time with her before, and it was nice. Ended up eating like fat kids at the IHOP and then grabbing a couple beers at Roscoes.
Next I took a (long-ass) train to Aurora to hang out with Will. Again, as with Justine, we didnt do anything phenominally exciting, but it was just good to chill with him for a bit. He just had gotten a restaurant job, and is already feeling a bit above it, but whatever. It's very temporary for him. God I pray that he gets into the Peace Corp. We went to go see "Hustle and Flow" which was really quite good. The acting was astounding. Good stuff. Some teenagers tried to pick a fight with us outside the theater about literally nothing. Go to bed kids. Whatever.
I woke up REALLY early the next morning so that I could go and spend much of the day with (Mitchell). He had been dissapointed that I had taken off on him for three days, and since Will had to work anyway, I figured that I could still get some time in with my boy.
So, that is my Chicago trip, which brings me to the Detroit trip with (Mitchell), our first tiff, him finding this blog, him saying "I love you" back to me... All sorts of good stuff that will just have to wait. Oh, but that Liz Phair lyric I love is:
Isnt this the best part of (waking)* up, finding someone else you just can't get enough of; Someone who wants to be with you too.
*Being the dumbass that I am, I didnt realize the lyric was "breakin up," instead I thought it was "wakin up." I like my version better. Deal with it.
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