Well, this sucks. Just not me. Someone else.

I don’t even know where to start this… Oh, I know:

First of all, to the wretch of a little man who can’t find his own boyfriend: I have never been so insanely angry at one single person in my life. I truly want nothing better right now than to cause you great amounts of pain, and I don’t know that I am big enough to stop myself from trying if I were to see you out. I considered you a friend and would have never expected you to stab me in the back like this. Are you trying to get back at me because I wouldn’t sleep with you? If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would go and run out in front of a truck. Who sleeps with their friends’ boyfriends? What kind of person are you?

Okay. So arrive this morning after having stayed in all last night (Friday night, no less) trying to get my first memo written for class. Not fun stuff. But I knew that if I wanted to enjoy this weekend with Mitchell, I needed to get it completed. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, packed and got my ass in gear, all the while trying to figure out the best way to buy flowers for him along the way. (all the shops were closed, and the ones at the airport were ghetto… instead I bought him Starbucks). I make my way to Milwaukee, he picks me up, and I notice that his neck is all puffy and bruised… Wait. Those are hickies.

Turns out that I have to twenty-question him to find out that he slept with Al, a friend I had made over the summer. (I am less concerned because it was Al, but I am more pissed that Al would betray me like that). We take a VERY long route home, and try to talk through it. I am way way more pissed about the inconsiderate nature of having someone in the bed the night before I show up and leaving evidence on his body. What the Fuck? This trip meant SO much to me, and I went through great efforts that I would be able to focus on Mitchell during it. And he can’t resist someone the night before I come back to his home? At one point I very pointedly asked him if he had even changed the sheets. Jesus. Now I have to stare at his neck all weekend. I am not even sure that I can sleep with him. I just tried to take a nap with him, and ended up waking up with a heart-pounding rage that I cannot even remember ever having before, wanting to break Al’s legs. It doesn’t seem inappropriate to me at all. Even now, I am thinking about how easy it would be to have some of my MU buddies scare the shit out of him. Some of my old friends would rather enjoy doing that for me too.

I called Justine, then Meg (new law school friend) then Jeff. Thank God for Jeff, because he KNOWS this stuff. He is good at seeing the balance between love and sex, and recognizing what lies between and beneath all of these things. If I had gone to talk to Mitchell after hanging up with Justine, I probably would have broken up with him then and there. “You deserve somebody who will treat you with the consideration you have always had for others. This sort of selfish move is not acceptable.” Good thing Jeff evened my keel. Justine is not wrong. I do deserve those things. But I don’t know that this event indicates that I can’t get that from Mitchell. Maybe I am wrong, in which case I will look back on this day as a very sad omen. Although, I am not sure how else to look back upon it.

I have forgiven Mitchell’s end of it. We all screw up. He and I have a future together, and that is not altered by a night of indiscretion. He feels badly. He knows, and saw, how hurt this whole thing made me. I think his future extra-relationship dalliances will be a bit more discrete. Now I am just trying to wrap my head around trying to feel like normal with him again, like he isn’t used goods. I don’t think I can sleep in that bed this weekend. I just looked at its freshly made sheets, with the knowledge that Mitchell changes his sheets once in a blue moon, and had no choice but to acknowledge what had happened there the night before. Hell, just take one look at his neck and there is no way but to see that I, at least for last night, wasn’t the one Mitchell wanted to be with. Jeff says that 3 weeks is a long time to go without sex. I don’t even want to debate that. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the amount of energy, time and money I dedicated into being with him this weekend, and such a selfish move on his part could have ruined it.

>>>edited for discretion, see file<<<

Can't hardly wait...

Just got done (substantially) with my memo for class. Geez. That was a lot of work. More to look forward to I am afraid. I just had to get it done, ignoring calls and my roommates pleas for a social life. I am extatic about getting back to (Mitchell) this weekend. I can't wait to hold him. I am jittery. Well, early bed, since i have to get up early for the flight. I'll be in your arms shortly baby!

Short of breath

I dont know what's with me at the moment. I just got so sad. I feel like I want to cry. Life feels utterly uncontrolable, and while I try very hard to accept that the universe tends to unfold as it should, I think I just got very tired. Tired of showing the happy, at ease exterior that everyone knows. I guess just for this moment I need everything to be still. To be right. There is only so long I can dodge. Part of me is still shaking from how perfect and calm and thrilling this summer was. I am a bit jarred by being ripped out of that world and set back to the hour-after-hour day-after-day marathon that I have set myself in. It just feels like too much to handle right now.

Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.

Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.

Socialist? Big Surprise.

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (16% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

I am NOT a fan of gravel...

It's Wednesday. And although I didnt have my 9am today, I am tired from this week. It is not that I have been working particularly hard (went to BW3s last night then drank 2 40s with friends from school... needless to say, not a particularly productive evening). I guess we are starting to be faced with the prospect of more and more work, and just when we are getting used to the daily readings as it was. But nonetheless, I get to go back to Milwaukee this weekend, and am phenominally excited. There can be no measure to the comfort I feel being back in a city like I know, with a man I love.

Enough of that.

I just found out the election results for the student government 1L representatives. I guess I am surprised. Not terrifically disappointed, but surprised. It was nowhere NEAR the popularity contest that I expected. None of the cool kids one. Unfortunately I, after so many years as the gangly odd-humored one, am now one of the cool kids. I purposefully did not campaign AT ALL, and just banked on the fact that people know me and generally enjoy my presence, so I figured that would be sufficient to get the votes needed (It almost did too. I came "incredibly close" as the election guy said). Really, if you look at who was elected, it wasnt the particularly cool kids, or the ones who campaigned the most, it was the four students that truly, truly, truly are probably the best for the position. Three out of the four of them I thought about voting for (in fact I did vote for one).

What does this mean? Nothing more than I am still free to enjoy the friends I am quickly making and kep being the "cool" guy around here. Funny though, it looks like I am finally in a world where real merit counts. Cool. I can work with that.

Marquette Tribune: Amendment complicates sex offender legislation

Marquette Tribune:: Online Edition:: Amendment complicates sex offender legislation

USNews.com: America's Best Colleges 2006: Learning to serve

USNews.com: America's Best Colleges 2006: Learning to serve

One day down, how many more to go?

Feeling a bit better today. Not substantially though. Just enough for things to be looking up though. Plus, tonight was a low-homework night. Yeah! We just had our first memo assigned for the end of the month... Fun stuff (not really though). I had an 8am meeting today at the Bar Assoc. office with pretty much all the big-wigs of pro-bono in the Cities. My mentor introduced me to a bunch of cool people, including one lady who could potentially be my boss at a clinic i applied for. Nice. I also had the pleasure of sitting next to Sara, who works for my school. She is the one whose office I bawled in the other day... Yeah, anyway, she and I have become buddies. It is really nice. She relies on me to say all the liberal, sarcastic jibbing comments that she can no longer make because she is an employee. We ended up going to lunch together too... If I didnt know any better, I would think that she needed a friend too. How conveeeenient.

I tried to make an appointment today for an allergist, as I may be allergic to Adam's cat. First of all, my only phone is a cell. And today is the last day in a billing cycle that I have gone slightly over on my minutes. So I was not looking to spend much time on the phone. But of course, the lady on the phone couldnt just get my name and the time of my appointment... Oh no. She needed to get my full info, my Dad's full info, my patient history, my insurance info... I strongly objected at this point, saying, "Can't I just fill out a form when I get to the office?" No, she responded, we have to have this to make an appointment.... Whatever. Then she asked me to hold. I told her I wouldnt. She put me on hold anyway. I hung up. Grrrrr... Stupidity in customer relations. Im going to the allergist that happens to be 7 floors above them. Not good to suck with patient skills when your competition is upstairs.

I have been waking up at 6am to get a work out in at the begining of the day. That and eating uber-healthy, I figure my body is due for a jump-start at this point. Hopefully the endorphines will help with everything, including my sleep cycles. I have gotten far too accostumbed to my mid-day naps.

(Mitchell) had his job review today, and I have been nervous for him all day. His bosses are so abusive, and I would love to see him quit because the job makes him so unhappy. He just found out that two of his employees are pregnant (tis the season I guess...) and his bosses' first reactions were to fire the girls. One of them has been working there full time for over two years. Anyway, I am nervous because (Mitchell) stands up for his employees very well, but never stands up for himself. I hope he gets some satisfaction from this review.

Grandpa starts chemo this week, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. They are thinking though that if this is successful he could have another couple years under his belt. Maybe enough chance for me to really get to know him... That is my whole regret with this whole thing, is that I feel like he closed off to me when Mom died and he has never really been that approachable anyway... I guess now would be the time to make that effort.

I think I am getting the knack of this law school thing. I almost feel as if it's too easy (talk to me come finals). Regarding the (Mitchell) thing one of you wrote about, I totally agree, this may be working out better in the long run for our relationship. If anything, I think it is strengthening how we feel about each other. I went back to Milwaukee 2 weekends ago, and am going back again at the end of this month, and we really are able to value that time together, which also helps the relationship too. It is totally psychotic of me after only 3 months with him, but I spent about 3 hours on Saturday looking at different engagement rings online. SICK!!! ;-)

Monday, bloody monday

My prayer is that I can just make it through this day. I woke up at 5am not being able to breathe and with my eyes crusted closed. Not a good feeling. After I couldnt get back to sleep, I went and worked out for a little while, but had little energy to expend on it. At least I made the effort, right?

I now have classes from 9-12pm and then a meeting at 4:30... Which means i dont get out of here till 5ish. Yeah fun. Hopefully I can get a second wind (it's 9am and I need a second wind. Sad) and pull through the day. Yuck. Not a good way to start the week.

Twice on Sundays

Didnt do much of anything. I think my sickness is catching up to me sleep-wise. But I am finally feeling less miserable. Thank God. I really didnt think I was going to make it there for a little while.

I went and watched Adam play softball today. The point was really to get out of the apartment and meet some new people, but I didnt really hit it off with anyone. I did, however, realize that I could easily join a team next year without embarrassing myself. I talked to (Mitchell) later and he said that we could play on a team together... Either if I return to Milwaukee or... the "other option." The idea of next summer already has me giddy. Is that healthy?

Friday night was mostly centered on me throwing together a BBQ for a bunch of my law school friends. Very Very casual, about 12 people, just chilled and grilled out at my place. It was very nice. I had FAR too much meat, as I over estimated people's appetites. I guess I am far too used to the college scene, where if you offer food, people come in droves with voracious appetites. I had Ted help out with the grill (after which he gave me a shoulder rub... what? not normal straight-boy activity). After everyone dispersed, Ann and I cleaned up and watched and Angel episode and CAMP. Fun night. I was exhausted though... I mean, I cut up my own cheese platter and made my own potato salad. That is some major entertaining right there.

The week had been tough. I think I mainly didnt write because I didnt want to vocalize how negative everything seemed. Kinda a karma thing about putting that sort of negativity into the air. Tuesday, the day that I went back, was one of those days that everything that could go wrong did. Between a 9am call that I had bounced a 5-figure check to hearing that I was rejected from the volunteer position at the Women's Shelter because I am a man (actually its becuase they had already filled the spot, but I didnt find that out until later) and walking into my Contracts classroom to find anti-gay biblical interpretation written on the board and having to interupt the Prof to have it removed. All that combined with feeling incredibly and debilitatingly sick... Yuck. I ended the day by breaking down in the MJF coordinator's office. Great. The second week of classes and I am already crying in the principal's office.

The week got better. With the help of many long distance friends, and bitch-festing it on the phone with (mitchell) I survived. I think the thing is that the stuff going on in my life is small stuff. Small and crappy to be sure, but small stuff. But without the support that I grow so used to in my communities (most recently Marquette) I end up feeling very alone in a world where the small crap is piling up around me. Fortunately though, I feel like I am quickly establishing a group of people here that I can share the little stuff with. I ended up having a meeting with the Dean about the anti-gay thing. He was incredibly supportive, and I held my cool.

Now that it is the weekend, I have just some basic reading and catch-up to do, along with some organizing in my room. As much as it sucks to be away from the boy this weekend, it is really nice ot have the time to just chill and get life organized. Maybe I will finally write those thank-you cards I have been meaning to send.

As for this week, it will be a busier week. I will have to get reconnected to a new volunteer site, I am meeting with my mentor again on Tues (8am!! yuck!) watching the 8th Federal Circuit Ct. of Appeals on Thursday all morning, and I suppose starting a Student Government race. It is kinda funny: going out to the bars and talking with people, various classmates have approached me as "the shu-in" candidate. Between my little "You're Jewish" fiasco last week bringing me certain notarity, and just being a loud-mouth, I guess that I have made a mark for myself already. One girl was talking about how she was going to have to make tshirts and buttons and poster if she was going to "compete" with me. There are 4 spots, and I have actually been encouraging people to run because I dont want to get stuck working with the social outcasts of the class just by default. But there will be no tshirts or buttons. Probably not even posters. I dont think i care that much about winning. To be sure, I would care about the position, but that's a different thing. Anyway... I need to sleep now. Cuddle up to my "versatile pillow" that I imagine is (Mitchell).

Oh... and for my own sanity... reference private diary from this day

Terrific rainstorms

I am in such denial that I have to go back to classes tomorrow. This weekend was such sweet release from the reality of work I have to remain in for the coming weeks. The weekend could be summed up by simply noting the comforting notion of familiarity of people who know you, people who love you and people who can make you laugh and smile.

Just being back in (Mitchell's) arms was enough for me. Seriously, I felt as though I simply couldnt get close enough to him. To hold him, to sleep with him. Friday night was phenominally romantic, not for any particular reason other than we had just both longed to be together for so long. I got some semblance of that feeling when I was living in Spain and I just longed for a hug. This was something like that. I breathe deeply just thinking of being back in (Mitchell's) embrace.

Saturday we were at a pool party with his closest group of friends, and there were moments that we held each other in the pool as everyone else was goofing around. It's one of those memories that you just want to last forever.

I walked into Fluid and I felt as though I was honestly missed. I walked into Caffrey's, and had a deluge of people great me warmly. I seriously had to say Hi to 6 people before I could make my way over to Will who had come up for the evening. Wow... Way to complete a weekend. Thank you to everyone who made me feel special.

On one level, I am an idiot for doing it. It was so phenominal to be back, and now I have to deal with the literal tears of seperating myself again. It is harder this time. Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can at least be somewhat non-depressive tomorrow. Night.

Sanitizing my life

So, I had a classmate of mine want to become a "facebook friend" with me. Awesome. But it occurred to me that my facebook profile had various "gay elements" and a link to this blog, which can leave little doubt. Anyway, if you happen to be a UST law school student reading this, please understand that there is a reason that I have concealed certain information, namely that I didnt feel it time to reveal certain aspects of my life. It is important for people to get to know me for the totality of who I am, not just one aspect.

But on that same note, I am not willing to go so far as to hide things online, or change profiles, or whatever. I think that is just where my limit happens to be. So, please be sensitive with the information you are learning. That's all on that point.


Today is the first day that I feel like I truly can't do this. I dont think I want to do this... I don't know that I am prepared for three years of this. I know that this moment will pass, but I feel like absolute crud right now. I work my ass off just to feel like an idiot in class. Yuck. Granted, I didnt sleep well last night, and I am coming off of drinking too much caffeine during lunch today. But all I want right now is to get an easy job somewhere and go be with (Mitchell).

Going out with everyone tonight is much needed, as is my trip to Milwaukee this weekend. I'll make it through next week. Then the week after. It'll all be fine

I dont often unleash the full furor of my wrath, but I did let go today at the guys at TCF bank. I had just opened an account with them, putting a very large sum of money in an account. I went to access my account online, and it wouldnt let me register... Huh... So I go to a branch office, and it is because the guy who opened my account had misentered my Social Security number. Grrrr... What make it worse, was that I had caught this error when he made it and asked him to correct it. He had not... This was on Monday. I went absolutely ape-shit at the guy at the bank. I think my favorite line was, "So am I to understand that this sort of carelessness with numeric systems is tolerated at this bank?" I made it VERY clear that an error of this proportion would not be tolerated again. The stupid thing was that it was the BRANCH MANAGER who messed up the second time (he had corrected it in one place, but not another). WTF???

So anyway, otherwise things really are good. I am stressed about Grandpa, but dont know what to do about that. I found this AWESOME note taking/organizing software called Microsoft OneNote, and that makes me happy. I had a very pleasant evening last night cooking dinner for Adam and Christina and then playing pool and foosball with Adam while watching Lost. Then had a long conversation with (Mitchell). Good stuff. That stuff is what is going to pull me through.

I can do this.

Things I can and cant control

It is officially Wednesday. This has become the ultimate hump day for me, since it is my longest day of classes. I was in the law school from 9am till 8:50pm last night. Fun times. And I am still (slightly) behind in one class. But nevertheless. I got home and Adam is settling in. Things are still working out great. I made a fajita burrito, had some espresso vodka, and went to bed. My life is lame.

Talked to Carey last night. She is doing okay. I dont know that she is getting as much help adjusting as I got at Marquette. She seems to be making the classic mistake of clinging to hard to her friends in MI. She'll be fine.

Talked to Dad this morning. Grandpa Thomas has cancer all over. No ideas what that means at the morning, he could have days, he could have years. My point to Dad was that the spots pointed out didnt seem to be vital organs (skin, colon, brain lining), so maybe he can last a while before it starts really killing him. Apparently, at this point Grandpa feels fine. I suppose that I am just clinging to any hope that I can grasp at. Part of this makes me feel worse because I have let such a distance grow between Grandpa T. and I. If it was Grandpa E, at least I would know that he knows how much I enjoy him, and how much he means to me. I am not even sure how strongly I feel about that with Grandpa T.

This sucks. I feel worse for Mae-Mae and Aunt Lise than anything else. I guess I just figured that since God took Mom so early, the rest of our family could stay intact indefinitely. This sucks.

banks and bus schedules

Today was my first day of class. It was fine. Just fine. I am not yet intimidated. One class was brutally boring. That may be a problem. I sit with some good people though. I am surrounded by students I hung out with during the orientation. Truly though, a majority of my day was spent taking care of the little details that just seem to creep up on you. I had to go to three banks (open an accoun, close an account >>Good riddence USBank<<, and cancel/order some checks. Meanwhile I had to deal with insurance stuff for my eye appointment, another trip to Target, various University business... Biggest thing was meeting with Sara from the Minnesota Justice Foundation. She hooked me up with the Chrysalis placement working with domestic abuse victims. She is totally cool. Very exuberant, and into her work. She made her comfort with GLBT issues so apparent that I came out to her by the end of the meeting. It just wasnt even an issue. She was like the ideal for an employee dealing with these issues. Anyway, there is some concern that I might not be right for the placement because I am a middle-class white male, but Sara is confident in me, so I will be too. Besides, I just have a feeling about this place. Other than that, I have been procratinating hard-core about tomorrow's assignments. Partially I think that i am just in denial. If I can just make it to this weekend... Probably not the right mindset to have for three years.

Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.

Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.

Entry for May 29, 2005

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. A little scary really, in that I am already behind in my homework. Yuck. Dad has been here since Friday afternoon, and it has been really nice just to chill with him. We haven’t had anything phenomenally big to do, so we have just been cruising around town, having him stretch his knee and me getting to know the city little by little (like all the one-way and restricted streets downtown).

I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:

May 28, 2005

“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:

Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul

Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord

Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)

Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.

And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.

I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.

There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”


As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.

What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.

154 nervous law students

Today is the official law school orientation. I have about 15 minutes to write, so this may be short. I barely made it to the program in time (literally one of the last to walk in) and we heard speeches from the dean, one of my future profs, and another guy (memorable, huh?). Not altogether boring.

Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.

I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.

Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.

Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.

Hand pressed against the wall

Had a heck of a time getting out of bed this morning. When I did I became obsenely productive, baking cookies for my neighbors (a "get-to-know-you" attempt that really comes more from me wanting to splice into an internet connection) and hanging pictures and organizing what is left in the boxes in my bedroom. Now I am sitting in the Law School computer lab tinkering before class in 20 minutes. Of course, I just discovered that I left my materials for class at home. Grrr. Oh well. I would go and get them, but I am just too lazy.

Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.

I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.

Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)

Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!

Goodbye Lesbians, Goodbye love

Here I be.

It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.

The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.

Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.

It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.

im such a psycho

He just called. Aparently he was violently ill yesterday, and so that was why things turned out the way they did. He is thinking he may be developing an ulcer or something... But just talkign to him made me feel so much better about the whole thing. He said that thinking of seeing me tonight is just about the only thing that will get him through the day. This is the stuff, the side of him, that I need to see more of, because it friggin melts me when he is like that. It makes me regret freakin out about all this little stuff. Remember why I love him. Anyway... this is going to be okay.

Drink till you cant feel feelings

The word of the day is hangover.

Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.

I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.

Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?

At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.