Wierd...

Sooo.... Last week I had gone out dancing with Anthony and then went home and ate an obscene amount of Thai food in bed and then went to sleep... Woke up the next morning barely able to move, my back hurt so badly. Finally went to my father's chiropractor today, and went through all my physical activities from that day. Turns out it was the food of all things... Ive always thought that chiropractors were all mumbo-jumbo, but somehow they know how to make things feel better. Apparently my back got screwed up by overworking my digestive system while I slept. He popped a couple things and I feel way better. Nice. The food thing is wierd though, never thought Thai could screw up my back...

Anywho, I am back in Michigan now for the time being. Its been uber-relaxing, and nice to get away from things for awhile. I have just been chilling with the family, making meals, watching TV and working on my submission for the law journal. This thing is really long and I have been chipping away at it for a week now. Yuck. Im not sure my submission is even going to be that good, but it will at least be a "good faith effort" in case I am on the honor role again. I just dont have the energy to put forth much more about now.

I made a really good meal on Monday night for the dinner group Dad has: Spicy corn soup with spinach ricotta dumplings and zuchini cakes. It was a lot of work but my sister helped with a lot of it. Turned out great though.

I am heading to Chicago on Friday or Saturday to visit friends, then back to Minneapolis to chill for a week before I start my new job. I will have 3 chapters of a book I am editing for a prof waiting for me when I get back, but other than that I can largely relax for the week (still). Nice!

"You're so drama"

I went out to one of my favorite bars on Tuesday to celebrate our last Bar Review and the fact that we had all made it through finals. Yeehaaw! Anyway, I danced it up and had a blast, but a friend said something that bothered me. I hadnt seen her in a while cause I have kinda cut ties with her group for my own reasons. But it was good to see her, and we started to chat outside for a little bit. At one point I was apologizing for falling off the face of the planet, but alluded to the fact that I had a falling out with her sister. She then looks at me and says, "Well Christian, you are a lot of drama" as if that should help me to understand the whole thing...

I have been told a few times (always by straight people with very little "gay" in their lives) that i am "drama." Ive decided that this pisses me off. While this might lead one to the conclusion that I am INDEED drama, I am fairly confident that I am not. I am very chill, go with the flow, and generally get along with everyone. My friend's have always credited me with "telling it like it is." So why would I be labeled "drama?" This girl's rationale, "You often walk into a room with a 'You'll never guess what happened to me the other night...' thing going on." Funny, I didnt think that was drama, just good storytelling.

What this tells me is one of two things. Either a) she doesnt want to hear my stories, which I thought were generally enjoyable or, b) she doesnt mean "drama" she means "gay."

I wonder if she looks at any of her other male friends and calls them "drama." I can think of a few who are reasonably much more drama than I could ever be. I try not to jump to conclusions, but it really feels like an attack on who I am rather than what I do. Whether that's me "being drama" or just being gay, Im not sure, but I hate it either way. It's like looking at a black man and calling him "gangsta." It's an offhand comment based on some stereotype you hold about people. Seriously, after that short interaction I have no interest in talking to this person again any time soon. Perhaps that's drama, or perhaps that's just self-respect.

I recently ended my therapy at the school. One of the major focuses was that I was bottling up stuff that I felt like I didnt want to burden my friends with. This girl sheds a little light on why I might have felt I needed to.
*****************************************************

As for the end of finals, it has been magnificent to get my life back. I have spent the last few days catching up with friends, doing major spring cleaning, doing some dating, and recovering from a dancing related injury. I went out dancing with Anthony on Wednesday at the Townhouse, had a blast, saw a lot of really hot guys, danced a bunch, and was home by 1:30 relatively sober. It was a good time. Yesterday morning I woke up, barely able to move. My lower back was SO sore. I must have hurt it doing something... Hmmm... Signs Im getting old for 100 Alex.

My last exam, Con Law, ended up pretty well I think. There were three essays and I felt prepared in answering all of them. The last of the essays was on the Constitutional arguments of "Don't ask, Don't tell," which is kinda a specialty of mine. Of all the "gay" issues, this is the one I am knowledgeable about. So it was nice to just be able to turn on the auto-pilot for that segment and know that I was going far above the Profs expectations on that one.

So now life continues. Home tomorrow for a little over a week. It'll be great to see the family. Then a week off before work starts. Im starting to date a bit which feels good. Life is good. I made it through the hardest year of the hardest part of my education. Sweet!

The Very Reverend Robert Taylor

So I was just spending 20 minutes wasting time perusing the news, and I saw that the Episcopalian church in California is considering 3 gay candidates for its new Bishop... I was just reading along, when I recognized a name... the Very Reverend Robert Taylor! I met him at the end of my sophomore year when he came to Marquette with Archbishop Desmond Tutu as part of the emerging leaders foundation. I remember thinking the guy was just amazing, and quite exceptional to be coming to our campus, openly gay, supported by Desmond Tutu, and walking down the center aisle of Gesu in his rainbow scarf-thingy (I used to know all those words).

Anyway, now he is in the running to be the second openly gay Bishop EVER! How cool! Im such a fan! Gotta love those Episcopalians!

An interesting retrospective...

So I was reading through my blog going through and updating my "little black book" as best as possible, trying to see where "my number" is nowadays... Anyway I came along this passage regarding last semester's Contracts final:

"I did my best, although I am fairly sure that I bombed one of the sections because I didnt understand what the prof was looking for. Ouch. I knew the info but..."

I was sure that I had failed the damn thing, and had ridden myself pretty hard about that. Turns out I got an A- in the class. Something to think about given my current feelings about my performance in Crim. Everyone who has been through this is telling me not to let those retrospective, hindsight "I should have done..." feelings get to me. They are probably right. Something to remember.

Chinese Food Makes up for Everything

Yesterday was kinda rough. I had my Criminal Law exam, and I felt under prepared walking into it. Ironically, that wasn’t my problem. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the right amount of information, it was that I didn’t know how to properly synthesize the stuff… I finished the exam with twenty minutes to spare, and thought I had really hit everything I needed to… Then listening to people talk about it afterward, I realized that I missed some very very major points.

In retrospect, I remember feeling a bit of the same way about my Civil Procedure exam, and it turns out that I got one of the highest grades in that class. But I highly doubt that will be the outcome here. I just didn’t have it, and I know it.

I suffered a bit of a headtrip about the whole thing yesterday about the whole thing. I have been on the Dean’s List, so I have that to lose, and I am substantially certain that I lost that yesterday. It means almost nothing, and the big picture of the thing is not as severe as I would have made it. The honest reality: I probably “rode the curve” and will get the B- that we always joke about. That’s not horrible by any means.

Ive just never been bad at anything before. I’ve rarely, rarely walked away from any performance and been able to look at it and say, “I could’ve done better.” Welcome to law school. I wont even find out for about a month how I did, so that will soften the blow as I will actually be PRACTICING criminal law by that time. (irony?)

The blow of the whole thing was softened by the fact that I was surrounded by such good friends. A crew of us went to Brits after the thing, and then John, Meg and I all went to Pings for some quality Chinese food. Then we went to the 19, got sufficiently ripped, and each ended up hooking up (kinda). I took home a skater-boy, Timmy and she got a number from some chick (edited). John went home to his wife. It felt good to be with those two and just hang. I dont know why it has taken me so long to do so.

I spend so much time pretending that I dont care about my grades, perhaps it is time to make that a reality. I did fine. I did my best. I couldn't have prepared much better. Just got to move past this one.

I walk alone

I went for a walk last night about 10pm. I had been in my apartment all day long preparing for today's Criminal Law test. I departed down my street, and then walked along the park, just enough to stretch my legs and get some air.

I was reminded that when I first moved here I had heard all sorts of horror stories about the park. I remember (Mitchell) worrying about me walking there at night. And I was so concerned at that point about losing (Mitchell). Moving can be a scary thing. That feeling of the unknown is hard for most of us.

Now, hardly eight months later, I walk comfortably alone around that same park. I have grown comfortable with the area, comfortable in my own skin. Even though I did end up losing (Mitchell) to the distance and the reality of the relationship, that thought no longer scares me either. I find myself very contented to walk alone.

On a completely unrelated note, Im back on one of my fitness kicks. Feels good. Even a couple days of working out makes me feel better, more energized. Also, unrelatedly, I spent about 30 minutes yesterday rearranging my schedule so I wouldnt hvae to take any future classes with my Crim Law professor. I was supposed to take Evidence with him next Spring, but with the disorganized and almost disrespectful way he has approached this exam, I am simply not willing to tolerate him for another semester. Oh well, it worked out in the long run. Now I will be taking a night class with an appellate judge. Should be interesting.

This is my friend...

This is my friend Ryan. He's in Iraq. Im proud of him. Keep him in your prayers.

You Know You're A Marquette Alumni If...

Hey all... I found this in an old file on my computer, thought it was great... Some of them need to be edited. Post your suggestions...


You Know You're A Marquette Alumni If...
1. You have an 8x10 glossy of Chris Farley framed in your living room.
2. You don't balk at the idea of taking public transportation to and from the bar.
3. You're not impressed if someone tells you they just rode in a limo.
4. Lake Michigan feels toasty warm at 68 degrees.
5. You have carpal tunnel syndrome from playing so many rounds of Boat Races.
6. You know that a big white tent on the West Mall of the AMU means free food.
7. You prefer the Champagne to anything made by Anheuser-Busch.
8. You skip dinner full well knowing you'll be filling up on mozz sticks and Cheeseburgers at one of Marquette’s fine eating establishments around 2:30 Am.
9. You have gotten into at least one fight with the guys at Gyros, probably because you tried to swipe someone's bag of food, passing it off as something you ordered and paid for.
10. You know it's ok to wear New Balance sneakers when you go out on the Weekend.
11. You believe a gold t-shirt is the essential part of any wardrobe.
12. You've stiffed the guys at Real Chili at least once.
13. You're not scared of bums.
14. You have seen the inside of Sinai's emergency room.
15. You look both ways, 3 times, before crossing Wisconsin Avenue, to avoid getting nailed by a city bus.
16. When you attend a baseball game, you miss the first five innings due to the 3-kegstand minimum at the tailgate.
17. You or someone you know gets their hair cut by Gay Don.
18. You know about the "other" Harp.
19. At some point, you have gotten in trouble for having beer in your fridge.
20. You bowl and throw darts better when hammered.
21. You have been to Target, via the City Bus, at least twice.
22. You have volunteered hungover at 8am on a Saturday and loved it.
23. A backyard BBQ consists of a mini-weber, the family pack of brats, and 3 30-packs of miller products.
24. The toolbox, the monkey cage, and the jes res are some of your old haunts.
25. You dream of re-opening the Avalanche.
26. You were able to wear shorts for only 4 weeks of the school year.
27. You either are a devout packers fan, or are someone who makes fun of them.
28. You know who Chris Grimm is. And you know that when he goes on the court, it's bad news.
29. You were, at one time, a member of the student athletic board.
30. "Home" is either a suburb of Chicago or a small town in Wisconsin, with a few exceptions.
31. Cumulatively, you have spent at least 10 hours outside on cold winter nights, thanks to fire alarms.
32. You can leave your house with $15 in your pocket on a Thursday night and come back wasted.
33. You used to reserve Monday nights for progressives at Caffrey's.
34. The only time you ever drank at Angelo's was freshman year... for good reason.
35. You know at least three girls who claim to have slept with Diener.
36. You have to bypass at least 3 "ethnic food aisles" when grocery shopping.
37. You know that the fewer number of white guys on the basketball team, the better.
38. You know where to go to get hammered off of one margarita.
41. You think Naylor was an asshole.
42. Warrior vs. the Golden Eagle discussions can raise your blood pressure. And "Gold" gives you a palpatations.
43. You remember eagle option 2 for 1 at the pub.
44. You know at least one person who can do a dead-on Father Wild impression.
45. You left the dorm on Thursdays at 6:00 pm with an empty backpack
46. You entered the dorm on Thursdays at 6:15pm with a full backpack
47. You have drank green beer until you have puked, or passed out, or both (often in class)
48. You know Angelo’s is run by the mob.
49. You think "Goddamn Marquette Girls, you think you're better than me? Bitches!" is funny.
50. You remember Greenfield
51. You've bought shots in a basement
52. You ate at Ziggy's (probably only once)
53. You still go by some nickname you earned within the first year and a Half at MU
54. You know what somebody means when they say that they had to "ride on the cheese"
55. You know what the sausage race is, and you know "hot dog" always wins.
56. You can tell which direction the wind is coming from just by the smell
57. Your shower caddy consisted of: soap, shampoo, 2 cans of beer
58. You have memorized id information while on your way to a bar
59. You've been to "the dugeon" even if you didn't know any of the people who lived there
60. The beginning of April is the perfect time to take a run down to Lake Michigan via Wisconsin Ave.
61. You remember Louie D's and how much better it was than Marquette Gyros
62. You have sun bathed at McCormick beach

thanks for 59-62 Amy!

Procrast... aww crap, I'll finish spelling it later

Sunday. Nice. Made it through my Friday property final, and seemed to walk out of there with less of a limp than many, so I think I was able to get the B- that I was aiming for. That is truly a victory. Afterward, went out with the law crew for a little bit, and then went with Kenz back to her place to meet up with Ang who is now in town TO STAY! Anyway, Ang passed out, then I passed out, and it was looking like an early night. Kenz dropped me off back at home, and I was walking up the stairs when a classmate invited me up to his place for some beers and a movie. Cool... Chill enough. He and another old friend from the theater program at MU and I watched a cowboy movie, then started watching True Lies, while taking frequent smoking breaks. On one of the breaks I ran into another guy from the building, who is a total hottie. The guy then later texted me to go over to his place... Ended up with him till 5am... Nice.

This guy, however, was ultra fit, and I feel like he looked on me with a certain amount of disdain. Law school has killed my discipline for working out. In fact, tomorrow I am gonna try to go on a new fitness kick. Anyway, he kept making little comments that seemed to illude to the fact that he thought I wasnt taking care of myself. Dude... Whatever. I dont care how hot you are... That shit is just worthless. I still look pretty good, all in all, not peak, but whatever. I got better things to stress about. (afterthought: while this guy works out 2 hours a day, I am staying sane in law school, volunteer teaching kids and helping at a legal clinic, trying to keep some sort of social life... eat me. You're gonna get old and lose all that you have worked for. I will not.)

Anyway. Then I nursed that MASSIVE hangover the rest of the day. It was the perfect day to sit around and enjoy a good hangover, in that it was cloudy and rainy all day. Kinda nice really. Then met up with Ang and Kenz and went out on the town with them. They had to call it an early night for shoe problems, and I had already almost started a fight at the Saloon, so we were on our way earlier than usual. Still a good night though.

Ive got another final on Wednesday... Crim Law. Totally unprepared for this one. I truly havent been paying attention, doing the reading, anything lately. And yet I look at the material we are supposed to know and it is fairly sparse, which then reminds me of our Contracts exam. It wasnt about how much you knew, but how you argued it. I can handle that... But knowing that, now I am slacking again. I'll kick it into gear tomorrow after the study session scares me a little bit.

Thank God for the Internet

Well, yesterday wasnt as bad as I thought it might be. I received some 8 IM messages, 6 emails, 5 MySpace Posts, 3 facebook messages and some 20 facebook wall posts wishing me a Happy Birthday. Even a professor of mine sent me a very funny e-card when I tried to make her feel guilty for making me study on my birthday. A bunch of friends from school called, and Carey and I had a good long chat. This all helped to make up for a no cake, no cards, no gifts, eatin-Pasta-roni, not leaving the apartment, my roommate doesnt know, my father doesnt call (till 9pm) I'm studyin all day Birthday.

Truly, the father thing is the only part that still bugs me. Everything else is cool. But I seriously had thought he had forgotten me. He said that he had had a busy day, and then proceeded to tell me about all the meetings and things he had had, didnt even get a lunch break, and then, of course, he had a massage. Busy Day. Fuck that. But apparently he has sent me a gift. He got it in the mail... yesterday. I should receive it about a week after my birthday. Oh. Thanks. It doesnt quite help that I went downstairs to check the mail (the only occasion upon which I left my apartment yesterday), eagerly anticipating some nice birthday treat from someone. Well, if student loan statments count, then I got my wish. Yuck.

Honestly though, as much as aspects of this year's birthday sucked, it was good to feel such an influx of love from all over the place. People I havent talked to in years were wishing me a Happy Birthday, and I got a number of sweet phone calls. I know I have many friends who would have celebrated with me had they been available, or if I had been available. That helps to know.

Anyway, today is the day of my Properties exam. Im actually feeling pretty confident, which I think gives me a one-up on those who are scared shitless by this exam. While looking through the professor's supplement materials yesterday, I think I found one of the essays she is giving us, based on the cases she had us prepare on (it's like a closed memo)... anyway, I think there are few students who found that, and hopefully that gives me some sort of a head start. The test is from 1-5pm and I am gonna be good and ready to get wasted after that. My friend Angela lands in town tonight about 8... Would love to be sober enough to see her. Then again, I would love to be drunk enough not to.

Seems about right...

Your Birthdate: April 27

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate. There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do. This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative. You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Looking back:

Excerpt of a post from May 1 of last year:

It's a little after 10pm, and I have all sorts of work to do for the week. Once again I am sitting here, contemplating the fact that tomorrow I start my last week of classes at Marquette. I am graduating. I am moving. My friends will be leaving, and I am now, just now, really starting to get it.

I went out last night after work to join Justine and Danielle and a few others at La Perla. Kendra was there. I hadnt seen her in ages. I know that she is dissapointed that I am not the friend she was hoping for. We have just grown apart, and I let that happen. That's gotta be okay. But just hanging out with her on Saturday made me really feel it. Here is this person that I was friends with, who meant a lot to me, and we will be moving on in a few short weeks, and we wont be friends anymore. What do I do about that?

I guess that I just need to be grateful for the moments that we had. For the times that she was an incredible friend to me. For the hope that she will have her every wish fulfilled in life.

I can't help but feel a little bit lonely. I want someone's arms to curl up in, who I can know will not be leaving me, who will be with me through these transitions. And funny, I think I could have that person if I would let it happen, but I know that this, how I am feeling right now, is just a moment, a moment that will pass as I go through the next weeks and really enjoy my goodbyes.

Still no word on Senior Speaker. Good God. I just want to know.
...

So where am I now? Tired. Scared. Wishing I had more time with my friends. Wondering where the time all went. Hoping that I dont have to grow up too fast. Maybe if I dont get these final projects done, they wont let me graduate, and I can keep things the way they are? I don't think so.

Ahhh... "Where the Streets Have no Name" just came on my mp3 player. There isnt any more emblematic song for my career here. The rush at the start of the basketball games. The cheering with the best friends I could hope for. The feeling that we can take on the world. The knowledge that we will have to do just that.

My Momma told me there'd be days like these-- Van Morrison

Started off the day a bit rough.... Went to go see my counselor, and ended up just bawling. Tomorrow is my birthday, and my mom's death seems to be hitting me harder than usual. Mom's are the ones who are supposed to make you feel special on your birthday. Important. I have a photo on my wall of my mother looking at me for the first time some 24 years ago. But for some reason this year I feel like I just dont have anybody to make me feel special. I have an exam the next day, so I dont quite know how I am going to celebrate the day, and I kinda feel like it is just going to pass me by without notice, and that just feels depressing.

I can think of at least one person who will read this and perhaps feel slightly offended because she would be at my side if I showed even the slightest willingness to divert from my studies, and I totally appreciate that. But this year my life just feels a little bit empty. For my 22nd I was so completely happy to celebrate by going to a "parilla" dinner while reading Harry Potter in downtown Madrid, so what I am feeling is not about being alone, but perhaps it is about being lonely. Whatever that means.

The day did look up however. I got an email confirming that our CATHOLIC law school would buy a table at Minneapolis Pride this year as a recruitment effort. This is a major deal, and I was preparing for a fight to make it happen, and am beyond ecstatic that it came about with so little pressure. Makes me very proud of St Thomas. Then I had a meeting with the other OUT!Law chairs and got pretty excited about what we are thinking up for next year. There are a lot of people willing to put some leadership in, and that always feels good.

Then I spent the rest of the day studying in the park for this dreadful exam. At one point one of Brianna's friends joined us and helped to quiz me on my flashcards. Turns out I know my stuff pretty well! NICE!

Tomorrow I turn 24.

Censorship

Nothing gets me good and ticked like old-fashioned censorship....

So I am wasting precious study time (God knows I am a procrastinator before anything else) and I notice that a link has been removed on my MySpace page. Where there used to be a super-attractive guy lying on his stomach, there is now an "Image Censored" sign care of someone at a 3rd party site, MyYearbook, which I dont even use. WTF?

First of all, I am in law school. I am judicious enough to know to keep porn off my pages. So this image couldnt have been that bad. Worst case scenario, there was some handsome butt-crack showing.

Who is this website that thinks its a good idea to not only be censoring THEIR content, but somehow censoring MINE! Im ticked. Just for that, I think I might need to do something really truly vulgar.

Or, I might just go back to studying property law... lame.

Moving On

Good God... Its been almost a month since I have last posted. Wow... Its not that I have been busy, although I have, but more I have been happy. I guess I tend to write more when Im pensive, and Im more pensive when Im meloncholy-ish. Spring has sprung, I have found some fantastic people to surround myself with who care deeply for me, and I feel much more myself than I have in a while. Roo-Raah!

This weekend is the first one I have spent in town for a while. Last weekend I went home for Easter, which was lovely. Every time I go back to TC I find that there are fewer and fewer people there for me. With the (important) exception of Jeff & Dick, I spent the weekend entirely with Dad and Carey. The night I got home we all stayed up till 3am just catching up, and I was amazed at their talent for making me laugh.

The weekend before that I went to Milwaukee to see a friend before he shipped out to Iraq. It was a wonderful trip, and I realized how much I am actually attached to that city. I thought it was Marquette, (Mitchell), or my awesome friends there, but it turns out that it is something far more basic: I miss the familial way I am greeted at the bars, by people all over. Its just so much more blue-collar (read: less stuck-up). I got a chance to visit with a ton of people, including a quick visit with Justine. Phenominal!

It is nice to be in my apartment this weekend though. I am getting my fun out of the way before I buckle down for exams, which start this week. I just wish I could fast-forward these weeks and get to summer. Went clubbing with Kenz and Anthony on Friday to two of the most fun clubs I've been to in a while. The second one was probably the best gay bar Ive been to in the U.S. ... Although I could have just been wasted. Then Saturday I watched "V for Vendetta" (amazing flick) and then went on a boat cruise down the Mississippi with Kenz and a my law school group. It was odd because I would have felt very lonely without Kenz there. I just dont feel like a part of the law school crowd right now. The guys are all guy-ey, and the girls are... well I just dont feel real close with them right now. Anyway, Kenz and I ended up talking about some very deep things and it was just wonderful to have her there.

The reason I titled this entry "moving on," is because I have totally been in freshman mode this year. After years of working for orientation and making new homes for myself in various countries, you'd think Id be better at recognizing this process. Freshman (or 1L) year you get thrown into a mix of people who you pressume you need to be best friends with. But after some months of trying to really work these relationships of convenience, we all realize that, while convenient, these people may not really have anything in common with you. They may not make you feel good about yourself or have the qualities that you generally surround yourself with. I went through this in a major way my freshman year. Carey is finding that right now too. She is having a rough go at school feeling like she hasnt made any "real" connections with some of the girls she has been hanging with all year.

Anyway, now that I recognize that this has been something that I have been struggling with, I also see that I am coming out of it. There are people I am choosing to hang out with more, others less. I'll still have my drinking buddies, but it's definitely nice to know that I am finding people who I can rely on for more than that.

So, now it is heading into exams, so it may well be another month before I write. I'll try not to do that. Oh... and for those who might have been thinking about it, DO NOT upgrade your Hotmail accounts with their new beta software. It sucks. Trust me.

But Ive moved on.

Running out of Q-Tips

Time to go shopping.

Oh, and BTW, Im still a giant slut.

After spending a week with my grandparents, which I enjoyed fully, I got home last night and needed something to off-set the MASH and Bill OReilly I had been watching. So I got together with a fantastic group of friends... And only slept with one of them. ;-)

I have to go back to school tomorrow, and am very much dreading it. Having time to myself to read for pleasure, do what I want and generally just chill has been almost decadant in the light of my normal life. I spent a few hours today putting my old Europe group-emails into this blog under the appropriate dates. They became rather celebrated among the 500+ people who received them, so I figured I might as well save them for posterity. Looking back too, I am truly impressed by how much I did in Undergrad. Seriously. How come I cant get shit done now? Seems like I am barely treading water in law school. Of course, that's like treading water with 100-lb weights tied to my ankles, but still.

The question is largely, how do I maintain this fantastic sense-of-self that I have rediscovered? I need to forget again about grades, focus on friends who treat me well, and just make myself happy. I think I can do that.

Just keep swimming.

Looking in the Mirror

Law school has been hard on me. Hard on the person who I have come to know and develop in myself, and hard to hold onto the things I love about who I am. There is this constant challenge, and drive, and whether I admit it or not, competition. Meanwhile, I find myself uniquely alone in my surroundings, without the companionship I found in Milwaukee, Caracas, TC, and even to some extent in Madrid. I am slowly developing relationships that I can really rely on, but as with all things, it comes with some difficulty. Social development takes time.

This last weekend has renewed me though. Friday I went out to lunch with some friends, went out with Kenz for dancing and drinking games, Saturday I had breakfast with Christina then flew to Chicago and hung out with my Sis, then got far too wasted with Will and Co. and ended up making out with a stranger. Woke up on the couch of a friend and went to brunch with Carey, J and D, looked at some open-houses too for J which I loved. Then rejuvenated at the hotel for a bit before going to Hooters for crab legs with Pete and John from back home. Then had a rather long day of flying, I ended up with my Grandparents in Tucson for a 5-day visit with them. Why does all of this matter? Because all of these people adore me. All of them get me. While I might, at times, feel very alone in my current social sphere, it is so incredibly helpful to be reminded of how loved I am elsewhere, and that, in time, I will develop friends in Minneapolis too.

I have been working very hard at liking what I look at in the mirror. It doesn’t always come easy. My friends don’t often see that, but I have trouble liking myself, seeing myself as worthy. Mostly body-image stuff really, for which I completely blame gay-culture, but other outside comparison stuff comes in there too. When a classmate treats me as expendable, it gets to me. But it shouldn’t.

The breakup with (Mitchell) jarred my sense of worth a bit. There were so many ways that the whole thing made me feel undervalued and unloved. Then I would start to wonder if anyone will ever value me enough for a relationship, and the thought-process went downhill from there. Enough. This last week, I finally realized that I am over it. Done looking at life from the “break-up” perspective. Time to move on.

I looked in the mirror just now, and I look good. Damn good. Maybe its all the love I have felt in the last 72 hours, the heinous sweaters my dear grandmother insists on giving me every time I see her (do I look cold?), the way that Will and I know it is okay to get wasted around each other, the fact that Kenz will unhesitantly accompany me to the gay bars. I have a summer job (three in fact). I am looking at buying a house. I am in the top of my class. I volunteer and live a good life. I am without psychosis, well adjusted and very little drama. And lastly, and I wish I thought it was least importantly, I am attractive. I look in the mirror, and just wonder how I am still single. I just hope that others see the same in me. And that I allow myself to see the same in others.
It feels good. And if I finish this Spring Break with nothing accomplished other than feeling good about myself again, then fuck yeah!

The week of getting let down... and yet...

Well, Happy St. Patrick's Day! I have been lit now for about 24 hours, so the Irish blood in my body seems wholly sated and satisfied.

Its interesting. I just got off the phone with my new drinking buddy who mentioned that he would miss me while Im gone on Spring Break. That actually means a lot. Even though this guy has only known me for about a month, he appreciates me enough to say something like that.

This last week I have had some friends let me down. One friend didnt want to drive through the snow so wreaked all sorts of havok on my travel plans. Another friend expected me to be at her social beck-and-call and completely disregarded me. The guy I was starting to date kinda blew me off disrespectfully. And yet...

And yet I have these "other" friends: friends who are not at my school or in my old social networks. I guess I am used to people enjoying me for the massive amount of people I know and the connections I have, and that just isnt the case here yet. So then you find out who your friends really are: the ones who take care of you, listen to you, just be with you regardless of the social scenario. Anyway, this week felt way better because I have been able to end it out with those sort of people around me. Thanks guys.

Tomorrow I fly out to Chicago to hang with the old crew from College, some high school friends, my sister, and then see my grandparents. Should be fun. Wish me a safe trip!

Eight Days Later

Well, it's March, and Minnesota has decided to become the winter-wonderland everyone was warning me about. We finally had a good dousing of snow. Classes were canceled Monday (although my volunteer clinic was not) and my ride to Milwaukee canceled on me today because she wasnt comfortable driving with the prospect of snow on hand. Hmmmm... I had to last-minute problem solve my spring break plans, ended up dropping my tax returns on a flight to Chicago and a hotel there since the "staying with friends" thing wasnt working out either. Anyway, this is more expensive, but perhaps a bit more relaxed. Too bad about missing St. Patrick's Day at Marquette. That would have been a terrific time.

This also means that I wont be having brunch with (Mitchell) as planned. The whole thing was my idea really, just to clear the air and hopefully jump-start a friendship again. One of my friends asked quite sucenctly, "What the fuck are you hoping to accomplish?" Truthfully? I want to make sure he is okay. When I last saw him he was not doing so hot, and I want to see how he is doing with the job and a few other non-public details.

Its been amazing though, and I write this more for my own ability to look back if I ever have to go through a miserable break-up again, that as of this week, or perhaps last, I am finally over it. It was a long time coming, and usually very dependent on the friends around me distracting me, but with the entrance of a new group of friends and hanging out with the law-school crowd a bit less, I really havent thought about (Mitchell) other than to try to make plans for the weekend.

Spring break starts tomorrow, and I am now flying to Chicago to hang out with Carey, Will, J and D, possibly some TC friends, maybe even get together with my Aunt. Then I fly to Tucson to hang with the grandparents. I really dont know what to expect down there, but I look forward to bonding and just relaxing if nothing else. Too bad that I am finally at an age that I want to golf, and neither of them can any longer. There is also the reality that this might be my last visit with my grandfather, so I want to be rather strategic about how I spend my time. I might even be willing to wake early and go to mass with him. (last time I was at a church with them I walked out of the service when the priest started pontificating on "acceptance"... this the same month as the Church gave $500,000 to support the marriage amendment in Michigan to ban gay marriage)

School has calmed down a bit. After my last entry I had to explain my outburst to some, but few cared, and those that did agreed with my sentiment, if not my mode of expression. I went ahead and then had another outburst in the same class when a "visitor" corrected me on the reading. This is a guy who I gave a tour to a couple of weeks ago, and he has taken to sitting in on our class... Not just that though, he bought the book and has become a balloon-hand. God, do I sympathize for his classmates next year. Anyway, I took care of the situation on an administrative level.... Hell, if the Prof isnt going to do anything, hell if I stand by idly.

LOL... on that same note, I had a tour to give today of a gay guy looking at UST, and our Prof tried to extend class into our lunch hour and everyone was pretty much dismayed... We just wanted to get out of there and are all looking to Spring Break. I told her she wasnt allowed to extend class: "Excuse, me Mr. Eichenlaub, why am I not allowed to?" I calmly responded that by order of the Dean, 12-12:30 is the "spiritual hour" and no non-spiritual activities, curricular or otherwise, were allowed to be hosted. Can't much fight with that.

We are heading toward the Marriage section in this particular class, and this Prof and I are on the opposite side of the argument, and Ive made it clear that Im not going to let much slide in class. But she and I had a good early-morning chat this week, sitting in the sunlight, and just kinda heard each other out. I really respect her for that. I am SURE that she has heard my side of the argument before, as she has made a career out of fighting it, but just having her sit there and listen and care about how this issue affects me and mine made me feel more comfortable about her, us, and the particularly sensitive issue we are going to be having shortly with 70 others.

Losing my cool

Up till now, my classmates have seen a semester and a half of me being a nice guy. Easy to be around, always friendly, strong willed and perhaps a little agressive with a professor, but always in a way that worked out well for the class as a whole.

Today, Im not sure I made any friends. They saw the "me" that can be a bit harsh.

First of all, the last week and a half has been brutal. We've all been working our asses off to get ourselves prepared for midterms and projects, all while the reading load has been increasing substantially. And the little things that used to bother me now seem intolerable.

There are quite a few people in class who love to hear themselves speak. I suppose this is to be expected as this is a law school, but there is one person who grates on me especially. Not because she is an overzealous participant in class, but because she invariably shows through her participation that she hasnt done the reading for the class. We invariably get held up on a concept that was spelled out clearly in the book, and she decides to voice why she thinks something IS something else. NOT why it ought to be something else, but answering questions blindly with no regard for what might have been in the reading she failed to do. Our professors continue with patience, stopping to then teach this concept as though she misunderstands. They dont see this for what it is: pandoring to the lowest common denominator-- a person who simply hasnt done the work.

I have had to deal with this my entire life. I am in Law School now, God Damnit! I no longer have any patience for this sort of bullshit. If I am stressed out and tired and grumpy because I didnt get enough sleep/entertainment/exercise because I got my reading done, why should I have to sit in class and let someone like this waste my time. So here is how it went:

Prof: "In a situation where ___ does ____ is there ______?"
Girl: "Yes, I think there is because ..."
Prof: "Really, who else thinks that?" (almost no hands go in the air)
"Well, Christian, why do you disagree?"
(I had adamently put my hand in the air for the other side of the issue)
Me: "Because the notes in the book CLEARLY say that this is not the case, for those of us who decided to do the reading."
Prof: "Whoa... Okay...Yeah. This was pretty explicit. But why then?"
Me: (i then continued to give a three-word answer why... and was right... because I had read...)

The entire class took a deep breath in and you could feel the tension in the room. The Prof stayed away from me the rest of the classroom, and the individual I was going after proceeded to stay quiet.

This is not a class where the Prof uses the Socratic method and this person was just trying to fudge her way out of appearing dumb. She voluntarily raises her hand to stop the class with her questions/interjections etc. I have utter and complete respect for the student who couldnt get to the reading so sits there quietly and tries to take the best notes possible. I have been there a few times myself. But to pressume to insert yourself in this discussion after failing to educate yourself enough to even read the assigned material?

Turns out I have an issue with that.