It's time to do the right thing.

I have a friend who is grappling a lot lately with his mother. She constantly seems to be playing hot and cold with the fact he is gay. One minute she seems okay with it, another she seems to draw needless hurtful lines in the sand that only create a further distance between her and her son.

I had the opportunity to mentor a lot of young gay folks when I was in college. And one truth was apparent: the parents nearly always come around to accept their child and love him deeper for the secret that no longer stands between them. It may take years, and years, but most eventually become their kid's greatest allies and fiercest defenders. And in the few instances where they didn't, the gay person went on to be happier for being who he is, but he went on without his parent(s). And its cripplingly sad, but he is the one who moves on. The parents never really do.

I just want to take this mother and shake her. Do you realize how much you are going to regret all of these petty little fights? All the times when you hurt your beautiful son? I am confident that she will one day come around, and I want to tell her to do it soon. There is no "gray" in love. You either do or you dont. You support him or you dont. You want him in your life or your dont. And every time you make some petty-ass decision to let something come between you and your son, you will regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not even soon. But someday you will look back: perhaps you will then have a greater understanding of what an ass you were or perhaps you will simply wonder why you dont have a better relationship with your son. And here's the answer: you didnt love him enough. So its time to cut the bullshit. Its time to let it go, see your son for the magnificent young man he is. Someone who is kind and caring, funny and intelligent, driven and, most importantly: happy in who he is.

Be happy for him. Be happy with him. I guarantee that it will only make both your lives better.

Top Chicago Pride Moments

* Studying flashcards while driving so as not to get frustrated with Wisconsin drivers

* Having a road race at 105 mph the moment I crossed over the Illinois border

* Listening to the absolutely AMAZING new Coldplay CD, Viva la Vida (I don't even like Coldplay!)

* Rolling into town, getting frustrated with parking, so just illegally parking long enough to grab a beer at my favorite spot, Roscoe's.

* Hanging out with my oldest friends in the world, Pete and John

* Laughing til I cried with my lil sis about Arrested Development quotes

* Eating a crazy good thai lunch with the aforementioned sister and admiring everything she has learned about child rearing

* Cooking a rather nice dinner on the grill and then throwing a dance party at Justine's place

* Helping certain friends get laid/find new dates ;-)

* Listening to Justine go on an on about Warren Buffet and Mars and wondering if I was the only crazy one who didn't think purchasing a planet was a good idea

* Staying out til 4:45 am and then walking a 1/2 block back to Justine's fantastic place

* Getting Mojitos at 12:30 in the afternoon and watching the Gay ROTC and Kimberly Locke with my two favoritest people in the world

* Wondering "Would it look too gay if I danced?" And then remembering that I was at Pride... In Chicago... At the Kimberly Locke concert...

* Taking a "gay break" and watching Wall-E with the only person who could truly enjoy it with me

* Spending a relaxing night in to rest for the following morning... asleep 15 minutes into the movie

* Experimenting with eggs on the grill, then eating a fantabulous brunch (try sweet-potato hash-browns some time, they're killer!)

* Catching up with D and remembering some things never change. Which is awesome.

* Seeing Kim's new hair!!!

* Screaming at the Log Cabin Republicans "You're all F'ing Idiots"

* Dancing in the rain (a little Salsa with D, a little Cha Cha Slide) during the parade delays

* Seeing Kim do a Marilyn Monroe

* Eating egg rolls that some random stranger offered me because Chicagoans are AWESOME! Amazing!

* Float-hopping with some amazing chick in a purple wig

* Sitting on the ground with a couple pot-smokin drag queens as cops strolled by

* Arriving back in Minneapolis to a friend who knows exactly what I need to hear. I'll miss you Joshie!

* Coming home to find a guilt-ridden note from my aunt "Remember to cultivate loving relationships with all the people who love you. Accomplishments in this life are worth nothing if you can't share them with the people you love." I couldn't agree more! Thank you to all my wonderful Chicago friends!


Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Strawberry Swing" Coldplay,
Viva la Vida

To my Grandparents:

Jon and Jane,

It is apparent from the card you recently sent me that you don’t understand how angry I continue to be at the two of you.

I asked my father to have a discussion with you about this, and I am not sure if he did or not, but I found out sometime this winter that you both signed a petition in Florida to have the state constitution amended to permanently ban gay marriage.

Believe what you will believe. I can agree to disagree. But what you did in this act was to sign a public document stating that you never want to see me as happy as my other cousins, that you never want me to be considered equal. My father has always taught me that love is an act, expressed over and over again. Your act was anything but loving. I don’t even know how to describe your action, but it was not loving.

I have accomplished much in my life, supported by many individuals who have loved and helped me along the way. And I have come to be very proud of who I am, including the fact that I am gay and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But in my short life I have learned that I don’t need people around me who will hurt me. I am returning your check. I don’t want your money. I would sooner drown in my own debt than accept money from someone who would turn around and sign a public document stating that they don’t see me as an equal. I am better than that.

I hope that you both live long enough to hear about the day I get married. It will be among the happiest days of my life. That will be an act of love.

C

Dead Mother's Society

Wow... I usually don't write about television shows, but Grey's Anatomy just hit that one on the head. Amazing.

After my mother died unexpectedly when I was 17, I joined a newly-formed "Grief Group" at my high school. The school counselor had noticed that many students had recently had losses in their families, so he got permission for us to skip class once a month or so and sit around and talk about it. I remember that their were 12 of us. And 10 had lost their mother's in previous year. Eerie.

I don't remember if it was there or later when I was living in Venezuela with a wonderful girl from D.C. who had also lost her mother. But I know that it was there that we officially started coining the "Dead Mother's Society." We actually teasingly ostracized our other best friend down there who had a family blessedly untouched by death. And when another friend lost her mother, we were quick to let her into our club. While we struggled with living in a whole new culture, we both had to address aspects of our losses. There was something about the solidarity to be found in others who you know understand that which is completely non-understandable: death. We were so young, but so mature in that one (limited) respect. We had something. It was a horrible burden while also being an incredible blessing.

Well, in Grey's Anatomy this week George's father died. At the end of the episode, Christina welcomed him into the "Dead Father's Club." And George said one of the most profound lines I have ever heard on television:

"I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."

Seven years out, I still live those words.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"We Will Be Silhouettes" The Postal Service,
Give Up

Success and Happiness

In my youth, my mother posted a saying on one of our kitchen cabinets, where it remains to this day:

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."

Lately I have been riding myself pretty hard about what I lack in my own life. When visiting my cousins these last couple of days, I joked self-derogatorily about my inability to find and hold onto a boyfriend. My elder cousins have all paired off and found wonderful spouses. Even some of the younger ones are showing me up in the relationship department. It's easy to look around the room and feel like your whole life doesn't measure up to the glamour of those partnerships.

One of my cousins-in-law gave me a wake-up call though: "Look around this room," he said. "Who among your cousins, or even their spouses, has the job prospects that you have? It seems to me that you are doing pretty well for yourself right about now."

I've had to concede recently that I have sacrificed a lot in terms of social-life and relationship prospects so that I could pursue my goals through law school. I have had to put my hobbies on hold. I'm not as fit as I currently would like to be. And yet I lead a very happy life. I'm surrounded by great people. I have a job I love. I am kicking ass at school (I may have to revise this after grades get posted).

I have long understood the despair that comes from comparing yourself to those around you. I think it is time for me to start being happy with the things I have earned myself, and let everything else fall into place as it will. And have faith that it all will.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Keep it Precious" Melissa Etheridge,
Never Enough

She loved it when I sang

Ive been working on my Appellate Brief all weekend, and have made some decent progress on it. It's nice to have the weekend to dedicate to the project. The apartment is quiet, and I am remaining relatively disciplined in my task. This morning I woke, though, with an odd memory. Rather out of place, rather distant, it was the remembrance of how much my mother loved when I sang.

I had always been a bit of a singer. One of my first childhood memories was of me playing on the playground by myself, singing to myself a made-up musical in my head. Later, I put my song to more social uses singing for my church, joining choirs, acting in (actual) musicals, and eventually doing some solo work and getting leads in those musicals. It was never effortless for me. It was something that I always had to work very hard at, even with the easiest music. I was definitely not a natural, but it was something that I loved.

Whether it was pride in her own flesh, or an acknowledgment of her own dreadful singing voice, my mother was truly the biggest fan of my singing. It was something that made her happy. I remember going on a family trip to New Orleans, where we saw a man singing on the corner of a street. Mom prodded, "Go up there and sing with him!" I was sheepish, but the man and I ended up ripping out a jazz version of "Amazing Grace." When we were done, we had attracted a crowd, and Mom was just glowing.

When she died just a few months later, I sang that same song at her death bed, knowing that would be the proper way to say goodbye if such a thing existed. I tried to sing it for her funeral, but could barely get the notes out. This was a woman who inspired so much in our community that her wake took two days, and had lines running out the door of the church. Her funeral was standing-room only. To have that woman take pride in me, take pride in my voice, it gave me something that I haven't found since. The world is full of critics, and Mom was more than just a fan... she was Mom.

I stopped singing when I went to college. Maybe it was that my mother was no longer around to support me in this endeavor. I think it was more the competitive and self-serving feeling that singing started to take on. Singing became part of a career goal, something that would advance my personal interests. It wasn't about sharing, it was about achieving. I lost interest.

Maybe it's time to start singing again.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Landslide" Fleetwood Mac,
The Dance