Voices from the Past

I went to the local gay bar in my hometown last night for a little while with my father (yeah, he rocks) and after he left I ended up chilling out with an old buddy. I did a favor for this guy years back at Christmas, and he's pretty well convinced that I'm the second-coming. We sat and caught up for a while, but it didn't take him too long to get drunk enough to begin telling me what a great guy he thinks I am, and that I deserve all the joys in life, etc. etc. It was actually really what I needed at that moment. Someone to remind me to be patient, stick to my guns, and everything will fall into place (see last post). And let's be honest: it never hurts to have someone rave about you for a little while. I think I need to put this guy on speed dial for when I'm feeling down.

Along those same lines, I have gotten a couple of emails recently bringing me back to my time at Marquette University. As I understand it, I was mentioned during the mid-year graduation speech as the tour guide who inspired the speaker to come to Marquette, and was a shining example of everything Marquette should be. It's a pretty cool thing to be reminded of the mark I left on that community. Plus I finally made it into a Senior Speech.

(Back story: I was originally selected to be the graduation speaker for my graduation, but the President of the University overrode the committee's decision (and a couple of his Deans) because he thought that I was uncontrollable and couldn't be counted on to stick to my speech. True, I had, at that point, recently helped stage University-wide protest of the dumb-ass decision to name our athletic teams the "Gold"... but they had reversed that decision by graduation. Ahh well... I knew what I was risking and I took one for the team in the name of integrity)

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"These Are the Days" 10,000 Maniacs,
Our Time in Eden

Success and Happiness

In my youth, my mother posted a saying on one of our kitchen cabinets, where it remains to this day:

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."

Lately I have been riding myself pretty hard about what I lack in my own life. When visiting my cousins these last couple of days, I joked self-derogatorily about my inability to find and hold onto a boyfriend. My elder cousins have all paired off and found wonderful spouses. Even some of the younger ones are showing me up in the relationship department. It's easy to look around the room and feel like your whole life doesn't measure up to the glamour of those partnerships.

One of my cousins-in-law gave me a wake-up call though: "Look around this room," he said. "Who among your cousins, or even their spouses, has the job prospects that you have? It seems to me that you are doing pretty well for yourself right about now."

I've had to concede recently that I have sacrificed a lot in terms of social-life and relationship prospects so that I could pursue my goals through law school. I have had to put my hobbies on hold. I'm not as fit as I currently would like to be. And yet I lead a very happy life. I'm surrounded by great people. I have a job I love. I am kicking ass at school (I may have to revise this after grades get posted).

I have long understood the despair that comes from comparing yourself to those around you. I think it is time for me to start being happy with the things I have earned myself, and let everything else fall into place as it will. And have faith that it all will.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Keep it Precious" Melissa Etheridge,
Never Enough

Holiday Break

I suppose that it's rather obvious by now, but I have been taking a break from blogging while at home enjoying my family. I will be back in the Twin Cities on the 30th, and have a couple posts up my sleeve, but for now I am just enjoying the warmth and sloth of my father's house. Hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays!

UPDATE: The Previous 3 posts, and the following 3 posts are what I had stewing.

Losing my Flirt

I realized the other day that I have lost my "flirt."

Perhaps it is that I live in an academic and work world where it is not okay to "put yourself out there" and take risks that could damage your reputation. Perhaps I spent so much time flirting from behind the safety of a bar that I can no longer survive without that safety net. Perhaps I just need to grow a pair.

For whatever reason, I no longer seem to be able to approach men. This has been crimping my style for quite a while. I dont want to seem lame, I dont want to get shot down, I dont want to be seen as "that guy," so instead I am not seen at all. Guys continue to pressume that I am straight/taken/intimidating and I miss a hell of a lot of opportunities.

My friend Peter in Chicago tried to teach me some of his style last time I visited him. Its the "Im fucking Christian!" mentality. I guess the idea didnt take. The other night at the fundraiser (see previous post) I struck up a conversation with an extremely attractive eligible bachelor. We actually talked about our inabilities to approach men. And it would have taken just a little bit of guts to say, "Hey, would you be interested in going for dinner sometime." And yet I let him walk away without following through with the encounter.

I found out the next day that later that night he had scheduled a date with another guy.

Then after I was finished rushing around the city today with an incredible red-wine-hangover, I got onto a bus toward home to pack and catch my flight home. I get on the bus, and see this guy with beautiful eyes sitting a bit ahead of me. I can see his eyes because he keeps turning and casually looking at me. At one point our eyes catch and we have "Eye Sex" for about 10 seconds before I looked away. Then I got up to get off, and he got up and stood with his back to me, milimeters away from me. He got off at the stop before mine. I should have gotten off with him, walked the extra block, asked him if he lived around here. Asked him his name. Generally struck up a conversation. Damnit.

My internet bf (dont ask) was telling me about how he hit on his waiter and ended up having great sex as a result. Im less jealous of the sex than his ability to strike up interest from a perfect stranger.

I think if I have a New Year's Resolution it is this: Take the Friggin Risk! It has become apparent to me that the coy thing isn't working out for me, and it is time to let go of some of the safety of hiding behind my ego and seeming above it all. It's not working. It's time to flirt.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"You Still Touch Me" Sting,
Mercury Falling

That Christmas Feeling

I had just finished up my Evidence exam, and a flood hit me of freedom and excitement to have my semester completely finished. As I hadn't gotten a chance to start my Christmas shopping started, with only a few days left before the holiday, I decided to head off to start checking some things off my list.

Among the gifts I bought were some things for a family I kinda adopted. They were desperately in need of some Christmas cheer, and I had figured out a cool way to anonymously get some gifts for them. So I wandered around Target for near 2 hours grabbing stuff off the shelves and then got to the Christmas stockings. For some reason, Christmas stockings have always been more essential to Christmas even than the tree for me. In my family, the gifts in the stockings were smaller, but usually more meaningful. We always got an ornament, and Santa writes my sister and I a personalized letter that always makes me tear up.

I was fortunate enough to be able to get this family their stockings for the year, and as I stood in the middle of Target, I started to tear up. Staring at the stockings and just picturing the joy it might bring to another family. That combined with the cumulative exhaustion from finals... It was my first Christmas moment of the season.

Later that night, I was volunteering for a fundraiser my roommate had asked me if I wanted to attend. It was this amazing jazz benefit for kids with HIV and AIDS. The work needed of the volunteers was pretty light, so I bought a celebratory bottle of one of my favorite wines, and let the music just soak into me. It was some of the most awesome Christmas singing I have ever heard. And the event raised an amazing amount of money.

It just felt so good to be reminded that, yes, we actually are in the midst of the Christmas spirit. A spirit of charity and good will. There's nothing better.

God bless us, every one.

Who is it that Likes Hillary Clinton?

Someone needs to fill me in on this. I work/live/love a lot of liberals, and I have yet to hear one person make a solid argument about how Hillary Clinton would be electable. It really has me puzzled. How can someone be the front runner if no-one will vote for her?

The latest Newsweek published a poll stating that "47% of those polled said they would not even consider" voting for Hillary. Wow. And the other 53% are certainly not ALL going to go to her. The Right has had 16 years to drag her name through the mud. Add to that the fact that we dont have a popular vote system for president, and I really don't understand how she can win any states that Kerry lost while even holding those he won. It just aint gonna happen.

I would like to have someone, anyone, explain to me how she stands a chance. Anyone?

Right now, I like Edwards for the win, but Obama for the loss, but a loss to a moderate Republican (McCain or Giuliani). But if we nominate Hillary, I swear to you Mitt Romney will be our next president.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Guilty

I got my first jury verdict yesterday. I had been working on this case for about three and a half months, and earlier in the day was extremely excited to see the work conclude and ship the file off of my desk. That was, of course, before I realized just what that would mean for our client.

This was a first degree murder trial, which means that when the jury found our client guilty, the client I had sat behind for two weeks, that he gets a mandatory life sentence. They spent just four hours deliberating how this 24 year old man gets to spend the rest of his life.

Setting aside the fact that the prosecutor pulled some dirty-ass stunts on the last day of trial, and that there are some serious "sufficiency of the evidence" issues to take to the Court of Appeals, I just have trouble looking at this guy, who was allegedly the get-away-driver in the shooting, and seeing that he could have no potential value to our community. I know more about this guy's gang history than almost anyone else on the planet, and I know that it isnt pretty. But I can honestly say that I think he is fundamentally a good guy. A good guy that has just fucked up. A lot.

I was asked to sit in on the "exit interview" with the client after the verdict was read. We went back to the holding area and just sat there for what felt like forever. What the fuck does someone say to a guy who has just had his adult life sentenced to a cell, with no hope of parole til he's in his 60s? To not get to participate in his child's life? He was betrayed by friends on the stand who we KNOW were lying to get a deal from the prosecutor. No eye-witness could put him at the scene. And it took four hours to convict. We just sat there swearing to ourselves under our breathe. When it was all over we got up and both gave the guy a sincere hug. A very sincere hug. It was all we could do.

Someone asked me later if this makes me more or less inclined to work in criminal defense. I dont even have to think about it. More. How can I walk away feeling like the system doesnt need more people standing up for defendants when I see it as so fundamentally broken that we throw people away for the rest of their lives?

I went home and exercised as many coping methods as I could (besides the obvious: drinking, which I tried to stay away from). I worked out until my body was wracked with pain. I crumpled, sobbing, in the shower. I cooked for a couple hours, binging along the way on anything I could get my hands on. Then fell asleep watching Elf, trying to think of better things. It worked to some extent.

I wish that there was a happy ending to this one. But I do work in the criminal justice system. Usually not happy beginings and few happy endings.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Crawling in the Dark" Hoobastank,
Hoobastank

Internet Issues

Just so nobody is getting disappointed out there, I have not fallen (completely) off the face of the earth. My internet has.

I have been super busy with finals coming at me and the trial that just finished yesterday. I have still been writing, but havent had time to post much of it because I no longer am receiving free wireless from an unknown source in my apartment. Sad.

Two Unknown Phone Numbers

So Saturday night became rather eventful...

I had spent the day at the office trying to get things ready for the end of the trial I am working on, and then came home and started to study for finals, as most of my friends were doing. I was content to drink a bottle of Syrah, cuddle up to a few favorite gay flicks and enjoy a solitary night home.

Then I got a call from an unfamiliar number...

It was the gay republican who I blew off after I figured out that he had some "issues" going on. One of which being that he liked to insult me. The other being an extreme discomfort with "being gay." I hadn't been completely confident in my decision to end things with him when I had done so, and getting a call out of the blue on a solitary Saturday night didn't help me feel much more certain about my decision. Thoughts start to arise, "Maybe I should give him another chance." "Maybe I should have settled for... (insert issues here)." I called my sister, who had been adamant about this guy being wrong for me, but she wasn't around, so I didn't have that fortitude to back me up. All of a sudden my "solitary" Saturday felt a bit more "lonely."

Then I got my second call from an unfamiliar number...

This one from one of my best friends who had left me for Boston. He was *surprise* in town for the weekend and *not surprised* up for going out. "Get showered and shave, we're going out!" Sweet! I miss this buddy dearly, and it was great to see him. Went to a quick houseparty, then off to the Saloon where I proceeded to get drunk enough to take off my shirt. It wasn't that I drank a lot there, but that I had forgotten about the bottle of wine I had drank earlier with my more innocuous intentions.

Ended up closing up the bar, making out with a friend, having a very good night. It's amazing to me the difference that having these people in my life makes. One made me feel particularly bad about myself. The other made me feel like a rock star. I really shouldn't be so dependant on the people around me for how I feel about myself... But I am only human, after all.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:

Minneapolis Gays Officially Boycot Blue & White Cabs (?)

Well... I suppose someone had to do something.

It was reported some months ago that cab drivers working for Blue & White cab company in Minneapolis had kicked out gay patrons for kissing in their cabs. I did some personal investigation into the matter over the summer, and there is definitely some legitimacy to these claims.

Well, now someone has done something about it.

As a result of the claims, I have personally avoided Blue & White. But now the "Rainbow Transgender Veterans of U.S.A." have started to post papers in downtown Minneapolis asking the GLBT community to officially boycott Blue & White.

I can't, at the moment, recall the exact language of the paper I saw while waiting for my bus, but it was certainly strongly worded.

Good for them. Whoever "them" may be.


Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Lovely 2 C U" Goldfrapp,
Supernature

Just Breathe

It is definitely that time of year. With about a week and a half of actual classes left, I have all the end-of-the-semester shit staring me in the face and work (for my actual job) piling up to dangerous levels.

Its all about breathing. Just reminding myself that it will all get done, and that I've managed to get through this far, another week ain't gonna kill me.

One of my favorite lawyers I work for just asked me if everything was okay, and if I needed to talk to "Uncle (Lawyer)?" My response: "No time, I'll tell you later!"

Not whining. I'll make it.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Today's the Day" Aimee Mann,
Last Kiss Soundtrack

Happy Thanksgiving

Deadly Sin for the Weekend: Sloth

It was amazingly gratifying to have a weekend to myself without any sort of massive deadlines hanging over my head. Rest assured, there's still plenty of stuff to do, but I have no fear that I can't accomplish it during the week. At least for now. I go home to the fam for about a week on Tuesday, so this week seems comically easy in that light.

So I spent the weekend catching up on some of my favorite shows, which is amazing, because I don't have cable, and rarely watch TV in what little spare time I have. But I forgot how much fun some of those shows can be. "Heroes" is definitely a new favorite. And as derided as "Studio 60" is getting lately, I enjoy the Aaron Sorkin wit (although it is definitely the ugly step-sister of West Wing: I'm only willing to consider it because the other isn't available).

What's amazing is the way that I am able to watch these shows. Apparently Im one of the last to catch on, but the networks are offering "On Demand" shows for FREE on their own websites. Limited Commercials. Up til now, I had figured that I had to pay for this stuff on iTunes. And for that price, Id prefer to hold out for the DVDs, so that it is something I can actually have in my hands.

Anyway. These offerings are pretty damn cool. If I had even a single urge to pay out the ass for cable, it has completely diminished: I can get it all for free, at way greater convenience!

I do wonder, however, why these channels aren't utilizing this technology to make them WAY more money... It would be really simple to make users create a username and password, and when registering give all sorts of demographic information... That way they could know WHO is watching which program, but better, target ads specifically to ME. No more AmbienCR, Advil or estate planning ads would be wasted on me, a target demographic that advertisers are absolutely killing for. They could see instantly that I am a 20-something year old man in law school... They would know exactly what to try and sell me: alcohol.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Can't Take it In" Imogen Heap,
Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

"I'll F'ing Break Your Arms"

Just got home from a house party. It is very nice to finally engage my social life a little bit, and it felt great to talk about social and political circumstances outside of law school.... Fun times. Thank God for helping me make it through this week. The feeling of being done with my Appellate Brief, the last of my legal writing assignments, can only be described as complete and total exuberance.

As I walked to this house party, I was struck by the beauty of the City's lights on the low-hanging clouds... It was fantastic, and, if anything, reminded me of the gratitude that I must have for the higher power that has gotten my through this last week. Anyway... I feel like a whole new man.

And this party was great. Very intelligent people all around. Great conversations on great topics. But at one point a close friend passed out, and one of the guests (one to whom I openly show my animosity as much as possible) tried to fuck with him. I got furious. Dont fuck with my friends. If I could have a motto for my life, that would be it: "Don't fuck with my friends." After trying my best to restrain this guy verbally, I finally threw him against a wall, "I'll F'in break your arms if you touch him again..." That may have been the end of the party, but I think it was well worth taking a stance...

Anyway, Im home, glad to have made it through the week. Glad I didn't get the crap shocked out of me by campus police at the library. Glad.

Best Morning Ever...

Life is full of those little pleasures.

I didn't quite get 4 hours of sleep last night, but I am walking on air because my Appellate Brief is completely done: about 36 hours ahead of schedule. Wow. That's some crazy shit. Very much unlike me. It feels great though. Wow.

Plus, I woke up to my new favorite crush: Brian Faas.

Before I sound all stalkerish, I have been watching this guy for about 6 months on the VH1 Video Podcast of "Best Night Ever." The podcast rotates the comedians it uses to mock the previous night's television, and Brian is by far my favorite. Not only is he super cute, but he is downright hilarious. (mental note: does he look a little like (Mitchell)?)He's got this corny thing actually working for him, and it keeps me smiling on my trek to work. "Details magazine isn't for gay people... It's for douchebags!" People wonder why I am giggling on my bus ride to work.

I figure, well, I'm attracted to him, so he's obviously got to be straight.

Then I get to work and Google Mr. Faas to find a picture for this post, and discover he has a MySpace page... And I quickly discovered that my intuition was wrong. SEE! I CAN be attracted to gay people! Told you so! And NOW WE'RE FRIENDS!!! LIKE FOR REAL!!! God bless Myspace, and God bless Google.

It's gonna be a good day.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Paul McCartney" Scissor Sisters,
Ta-Dah!

An "I Told You So," -- Eight Years Coming

On the New York Times front page today was a surprising flashback from, well, 10th Grade. Way back then, I threw a giant stink when the school district was trying to implement "New Math," aka "Core Math." I went to school board meetings, made it into the paper, and generally made very few friends among the math teachers and administrators of the public school I had just joined.

My major complaints were that the new teaching styles and concepts had not been empirically tested, and the students in our district were being used as lab rats. The SAT/ACT tested the traditional styles of math. The entire "Core Math" theory was modeled out of a California trial that had eventually gotten scrapped when the students' test scores started sinking. So our school board in all it's wisdom, decided to give it a try in our district... Essentially we were getting screwed in our math educations. The school district eventually caved and let me take my math at the local college, but I was the squeaky wheel. Not everyone had that option.

Well today I received my due reward. The NYTimes printed "As Math Scores Lag, A New Push for the Basics." Read it if you can (subscription might be needed).

"The changes are being driven by students’ lagging performance on international tests and mathematicians’ warnings that more than a decade of so-called reform math — critics call it fuzzy math — has crippled students with its de-emphasizing of basic drills and memorization in favor of allowing children to find their own ways to solve problems."

“When my oldest child, an A-plus stellar student, was in sixth grade, I realized he had no idea, no idea at all, how to do long division,” Ms. Backman said, “so I went to school and talked to the teacher, who said, ‘We don’t teach long division; it stifles their creativity.’ ”

"Across the nation, the reconsideration of what should be taught and how has been accelerated by a report in September by the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics, the nation’s leading group of math teachers."

"It was a report from this same group in 1989 that influenced a generation of teachers to let children explore their own solutions to problems, write and draw pictures about math, and use tools like the calculator at the same time they learn algorithms."

So... In short. I was right. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay. I'm being mature about this. But there are a few math teachers I feel like calling up right now. "I saw through this as a 10th grader!"

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Snow (Hey Oh)" Red Hot Chili Peppers,
Stadium Arcadium

She loved it when I sang

Ive been working on my Appellate Brief all weekend, and have made some decent progress on it. It's nice to have the weekend to dedicate to the project. The apartment is quiet, and I am remaining relatively disciplined in my task. This morning I woke, though, with an odd memory. Rather out of place, rather distant, it was the remembrance of how much my mother loved when I sang.

I had always been a bit of a singer. One of my first childhood memories was of me playing on the playground by myself, singing to myself a made-up musical in my head. Later, I put my song to more social uses singing for my church, joining choirs, acting in (actual) musicals, and eventually doing some solo work and getting leads in those musicals. It was never effortless for me. It was something that I always had to work very hard at, even with the easiest music. I was definitely not a natural, but it was something that I loved.

Whether it was pride in her own flesh, or an acknowledgment of her own dreadful singing voice, my mother was truly the biggest fan of my singing. It was something that made her happy. I remember going on a family trip to New Orleans, where we saw a man singing on the corner of a street. Mom prodded, "Go up there and sing with him!" I was sheepish, but the man and I ended up ripping out a jazz version of "Amazing Grace." When we were done, we had attracted a crowd, and Mom was just glowing.

When she died just a few months later, I sang that same song at her death bed, knowing that would be the proper way to say goodbye if such a thing existed. I tried to sing it for her funeral, but could barely get the notes out. This was a woman who inspired so much in our community that her wake took two days, and had lines running out the door of the church. Her funeral was standing-room only. To have that woman take pride in me, take pride in my voice, it gave me something that I haven't found since. The world is full of critics, and Mom was more than just a fan... she was Mom.

I stopped singing when I went to college. Maybe it was that my mother was no longer around to support me in this endeavor. I think it was more the competitive and self-serving feeling that singing started to take on. Singing became part of a career goal, something that would advance my personal interests. It wasn't about sharing, it was about achieving. I lost interest.

Maybe it's time to start singing again.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Landslide" Fleetwood Mac,
The Dance

My First and Favorite Crush is Single

We all have "the list," right? The list of people who you would breakup with even your most serious relationship to be with. I think you know what I mean.

Danny Roberts was the first one on my list. And I think he will always be there.

When Danny was on Real World: New Orleans, he was one of the first positive gay role models that I saw on television. Take that back: he was THE first. At the time, I was living in Venezuela, largely pushed back into the closet by the machismo culture there, and had little to no exposurer to gay life at the time. Like many others in the closet, I was starting to regress into thinking that maybe "they" were right, and I was wrong. Maybe being gay WAS a bad thing.

Then I saw Danny. Weekly, I would see him having fun, being healthy, and having a solid loving and compassionate relationship. I remember many nights tearing up over the scenes of him, knowing that back home I would find a community, find a man, or even just find myself. The image that he presented, and MTV gets some major credit for this, gave me hope.

Part of the whole thing was that Danny was dating Paul, an Army Ranger whose face had to be consistently covered up to avoid being kicked out of our armed forces. If there was ever an argument against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," it is Paul.

Well, at first today, I was gleeful at the thought that lovable, adorable, funny Danny is single. Hope lives on for my crush. Then I saw the video I have posted below, and it made me remember how special I felt their relationship was. Sad that it's over. There was truly love there.

God bless them both for being positive role models when there were none. If only we all had that strength.

Liberal Enough for You?

As if you needed another reason to remove power from this despot. This video is dead on.

Voting Shirtless

I jetted downstairs today midway through re-shaving my mohawk to get voting out of the way before I had to head to my 8am meeting. The polls opened at 7a.m. I was downstairs (the precinct votes in my building) at 7:05a.m... There was already a line around the lobby.

I was wearing a shirt with this logo:

with the word "Democrat" written below. (I had specially ironed the shirt last night... Anyone who knows how much I hate ironing knows that this means Im die-hard. )

Anyway, after waiting in line for about half an hour, I finally get into the polling area, where I woman kindly tells me I can't wear my shirt in there... It's considered campaigning. Hmmm... I didnt want to argue with her, and I wasnt about to leave just to have to come back and wait in line.

So I took off my shirt.

I proceeded to take my time voting shirtless, attracting a bit of attention. Funny, I dont think anyone even noticed my shirt until I had to take it off. And when I left the polling area, I think that the 50-something people in line noticed much more when I walked out shirtless, went to the bank of elevators to go back to my appartment, and put my "Democrat" shirt back on.

That's right. Democrats do it shirtless. And with the lights on. Hot.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Bleed American" Jimmy Eat World,
Bleed American