Entry for May 29, 2005

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. A little scary really, in that I am already behind in my homework. Yuck. Dad has been here since Friday afternoon, and it has been really nice just to chill with him. We haven’t had anything phenomenally big to do, so we have just been cruising around town, having him stretch his knee and me getting to know the city little by little (like all the one-way and restricted streets downtown).

I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:

May 28, 2005

“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:

Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul

Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord

Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)

Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.

And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.

I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.

There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”


As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.

What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.