Warm socks

Can I tell you how unbelievably happy I have been the last couple days to have new socks taht keep my feet warm? Seriously.

Okay. Now that I got that out of the way. I have been spending the last 72 hours trying to chip away at my Lawyering Skills Brief, and in the process have spend about 70 hours on Friendster and watched more than my share of Family Guy (come on! Volume Three just came out yesterday... what am I supposed to do, let it sit there all unwatched? Please!) The assignment isnt that killer if I were to just get to it, and my goal is to have it done in the next 24 hours, hopefully by the end of the night even. I just have so little motivation left. I just want to pass these freakin class so I can move on with my life. Sheeesh. And this is my first semester.

Went out to lunch with a bunch of guys from class. I felt like I was totally in the "boys club" and it felt pretty awesome to be included. And yes, we did talk about strippers and blow jobs. But for our group, that is pretty much the norm. Some of these guys are such seriously wonderful people. Certainly can make me laugh.

Time to really get to work now. Maybe.

Clearing the resumé

Home again.

The weekend was nice. It was a good break, and it was amazing to see my grandfather and Mae-Mae. It was quite an experience to fly in for two days in the thick of his treatments to see him in his condition and then fly right back out again. He is such an amazing and intellectually daunting man normally, and I feel like everything just took so much more energy for him this visit. Thanksgiving was wonderful with our little family and the two young cousins. I suppose there is a certain point where I feel dreadfully disjointed from everything going on with Benjamin, who has downes syndrom and then Grandpa's worsening condition. And yet, the holiday was very cheery, very much my family. Carey, Dad and I had some wonderful laughs, and I had some touching moments with Grandma. Grandpa was hard to connect to, but that has always been the case.

At one point, Aunt Lisé asked me what happened with (Mitchell). I was sincerely hoping to avoid that. She asked out of kindness, but YUCK! His roommate called to connect this weekend too... While I would have loved to see him, the wrenching questions I have about what HE is up to, and who HE is seeing, and whether HE is happy... Not good ground to tread on at the moment. God! How am I still strung up on this?

Anyway, I am back now. Worked last night to sheer exhaustion, but rather enjoyed the shift. But damn if I dont have to deal with some queeny bitches. YES, you need to have an ID. YES, you need to pay your tab. YES, you have to wait like everyone else during our rush to get your appletini (If I didnt shake a hundred appletinis last night...) We had a new barback last night. We'll see if he'll last. They do WAY more work than we do, that's for sure. Cute little straight guy who kept getting in all of our way. The cuteness will wear off, then he'll just be in our way. I hope they dont take Jason off of my shift. He is hands-down the hardest worker there and often the only person who keeps me sane.

Today I tried to get some of the random stuff out of the way. I am so mentally gone on Sunday's after a shift, so I just got myself prepared for the week and called it good. I am starting to look through some of the materials to get summer clerkships and something struck me. The resumé that I am supposed to include isnt supposed to have much information about my undergraduate activities. The models only list previous jobs, and those are mostly legal jobs. I have a ton of jobs, if these places want to see where I have bartended!

I spent so much time in undergraduate accomplishing things and being the rock-star everyone has come to appreciate. Now I am at this new school, and I have to re-establish myself (for better or worse) from a practically blank resumé.

I know how invaluable my past experiences have been, but how do I get that onto paper?

I respect your "differently-abledness" you F*in gimp!

Good couple of days, although a ton of classes. I am very ready for the next two days off, and am very excited to see the fam. Nice.

Yesterday we had a bake sale. I had made blueberry muffins, peanut-butter cookies and jello. Yes, J-E-L-L-O. It was a fun variation on the norm. Shortly after I started staffing the table, one of the more (most) conservative professors came back and complimented my muffins. She had bought the whole lot for one of her classes. This is a prof who has written very vehemently against gay marriage so when she walked away, I commented to some friends, "Gee, Its a good thing I put all that 'Gay-Powder' in there... She'll be a bull-dyke by noon." Fun stuff.

Later that day we were starting our Lawyering Skills class. We have yet to receive our graded memo back, and we have a major brief due next week. I raised my hand to ask a very legitimate question but unfortunately said, "In writing our memo should we..." The prof, who is known to be a bit harsh and frigid, cut in, "I certainly hope you are not still working on your memo, Mr. Eichenlaub," as I had mispoke myself. I retorted, "I'm sorry, I must just be distracted because we havent received our graded memo yet." The class gasped... She paused, glared, then said, "Nice dig Mr. Eichenlaub." Then she proceeded to push back our assignment due date. The class was both shocked and pleased with the whole interaction. I had taken on the prof, and come out better for it. Sweet.

Yesterday I also wrote an email which has gotten some debate going. There have been some recent incidents at UST undergraduate showing homophobia and recent statistics show that students are not learning to respect sexual orientation as part of diversity. Our group here at the law school is concerned. I wrote an email suggesting that our group write a press release/internal memo cautioning our admissions office against admitting UST undergrad students as they might not be likely to understand or respect the Law School's commitment to diversity.... Essentially issuing a a shot across the deck of administrators that could catch some press attention. The stance is both strong and controversial, and the reaction to the idea has already been interesting.

Finally, I have been thinking about gay sex education a lot lately. It is an issue that the "gay agenda" has left largely untouched. There are almost no education programs in this country that are willing to touch gay-sex with a ten foot pole. And yet, as scientific institutions, these programs should recognize that the need exists. In my personal case, I took sex ed like everyone else, and when I came out my father talked to me about making sure to protect myself with condoms. But I had sex for two years before I discovered lubricant. While this might be a small matter, it is an important one. Not only for reasons of discomfort and bleeding, condoms are much more prone to rip when used without lubricant. Now, after working with the AIDS Resource Center for many years, I understand this importance. But I was with a boyfriend who was 23 and he didnt know about it either, so apparently I wasnt the only one who missed this message.

I am trying to think of other sexual issues that might pertain to LGBT youth. Any other ideas?

Grandpa

So, my grandfather is dying.

He's got cancer, and they are giving us the tentative guess (which means that they have no idea really) that he has until February. I know that I should be sad about this, and I will be for sure, but the only thing that Grandpa and I have ever seen eye-to-eye on is death.

We talked a few weeks ago about whether Christians should really fear death. It was a pretty gutsy conversation on my part, but I am glad that I had it with him. I will not mourn his death. I will mourn our loss, but my grandfather is a good man, has been all his life, and there is no doubt that he will be joining my mother in heaven.

This week is kinda the "last harrah" more or less for the family, and it is oging to be rough. Part of me wants to ignore it completely, keep giving the old man a hard time and challenging him for all that he is worth, part of me cant help but step back and see that he, and I, are still too young for this loss.

I have dealt with death only one other time in my young life, and it was under completely different circumstances. When Mom died, it was tragic, sudden, and hard to comprehend. With Grandpa, we have this month that I guess I am booking to be the month he dies or something. I have the burden of knowing that the last few times I see him will be coming up, and that if I dont show him my love now, I fail as a grandchild. At least with Mom, I didnt have to stress about it beforehand (not that I mind), but it is almost like I am experiencing part of the grief now in the preparation that I get to have this time.

I learned with my mother that death is a part of life. In order to appreciate one, you have to appreciate the other. Wish it was as easy as it sounds.

Swimming swimming swimming...

Last night was a blast. Perhaps I had a better attitude. Perhaps I made myself really clear with the guys about how I felt last week, so I was able to stay out of all the tussle and joking this week. Perhaps it was that the other two bartenders both empathized with me about the 13 hr shift and such. But I had a blast. I am making a concerted effort not to dance behind the bar, which is made far easier by our no-drinking policy, and I really just grooved with everything last night. It was a fun job again. Aftwerwards I went out for breakfast with the barback and the expeditor. I feel like there is a social ranking at the bar, and I totally fly in the face of it. I could care less what these guys do for the bar... In fact, the barback works exponentially harder than the rest of us, and still remains more pleasant.

Anyway, I should really be in bed right now. Or working on the killer assignment coming up... Perhaps both. I didnt get to bed until 5am after breakfast (which was such a good idea) but for some reason woke up at 8am... Wierd. Well, back to bed for a while I think.

PS... While I have definitely reclaimed the "Don't Cha," song that used to kick me in the gut with memories of (Mitchell), I still get my stomach pulled backward when I see him online. I cant bring myself to delete him, which perhaps I should, but I also dont have anything to say... It is a wierd limbo feeling. Hmmm... Whatever.

Tour Guide Extraordinaire

Yesterday was a long, but fun, day. We had double torts in the morning which, while it sounds painful, is not extruciating. If I have to sit in any class for twice as long as normal, torts would be my choice. And the longer we sat there, the punchier the class got. At one point we were talking about a drug, DES, which had harmed children some 20 years after their mothers had taken it while pregnant. The normal statute of limitations had run, but congress had passed a special extension for this drug. Our prof asked, "Who do you think was pushing for this extension in Congress?" The obvious answer was "trial laywers," but then someone said, "Democrats," in a rather disdainful voice. I immediately retorted loudly, "Sure, because Republicans hate women." Nice. Got a rather good reaction from the class.

Later, our civil procedure prof was talking about impossible scenarios when a judge shouldnt put an issue in front of a jury. "For instance, if my wife claimed that a fairy stole her wedding ring and was claiming insurance. This scenario should never be put in front of a jury, because clearly, fairies dont exist." I interrupt, "Prof. Sisk, you just killed a fairy!" It took a minute for him to get the Peter Pan reference, the whole class laughed, and then he proceeded to clap his hands and try to fly Peter Pan style... The whole visual made it worth going to class that morning.

After class I grabbed yet another free lunch and went to a discussion about how to become a clerk for the public defender's office in Hennepin County. Certainly sounds like a good option. Would open some doors. I already know that I dont want to go into criminal, but it would flex those muscles a bit, which would be healthy. It's interesting though, my only experience with Public Defenders up to this point was negative: when the PD in Milwaukee accused me of having incited the attack against me because I was using racial slurs. (she also had pulled me out into the hall and told me (the victim) that I was needlessly ruining her clients life) <--I now realize that both events were misconduct on her part.

Nevertheless, I do plan on applying. The app is due n about two weeks. Geeee. Fun. Cause I dont have anything else to do. Phhhh!

After that I hung out with two classmates, pretending to study for a while before we went and led tours and sat on an admissions panel. Dear God, how I miss that! I am SOOO good with those things (if I do say so myself). The Dean came in at one point and was listening in, and he came up to me afterward and said he was extremely impressed. This certainly seems to be a talent. Perhaps it will also encourage him to see me as an asset to be respected. But it was a blast.

Finally, took the lightrail to meet up with Christina and go see the latest Harry Potter at the IMAX... It was a bit of effort to catch it there, as it was quite the commute, but it was totally worth it. The screen was enormous! Anyway, the movie was totally fulfilling, and I had a blast. Christina has been sick, but she was a trooper anyway. Good times, great movie.

So what a fun day! I go back to work today, and certainly hoep that I enjoy my shift, because otherwise it might be my last. Wish me luck.

Shoveling the turkey and stuffing the snow.

I should really be in bed about now... Tonight is the first thursday that I havent gone out to bar review in a while, but I figure that if nothing else I need to punish myself for missing class last week due to the drunkeness.

Life is good... I have been busy with friends, school, and a new dating situation which has arisen. After I went to the MJF banquet tonight, he came over and watched a movie (mirroring last night when, after a diversity reception at a firm, I met him out, came back and watched a movie...). He was laughing at me tonight because he asked what my "type" was, and he couldnt be more opposite, but at the same time I find him incredibly attractive and there is a wit about him. Doesnt vote though, which as petty as that is, is truly important to me. I guess that it is so engrained in me that a person out to AT LEAST do that to participate in the system that governs their lives. I have been working in elections since I was 14, so I have been taught that "non-voter" is a fairly negative term.

Whatever though. I find myself contented to be with him, and that is certainly enough for now. I dont know that either of us have much to invest in anything right now, so if it just happens to be "make-out" buddies or whatever, I can live with that. (note the psychological barriers being presented to avoid being hurt again)

Tomorrow I have a busy day, ending with me going to see Harry Potter at the IMAX with Christina. I am SO excited about that! It is such a treat for me. I see movies so rarely lately, and Harry Potter is awesome as it is, but to be able to see it at the IMAX is the ultimate thrill. Plus, any time out with Christina is fabulous to start with.

Carey called tonight to tell me she loves me and misses me. I cant wait to see her over Thanksgiving. While it will be a short trip (Wed-Sat.) and we will be in Flint, MI and we will be dealing with our first visit with Grandpa since he started chemo, it is still my family, and I still love them till I could burst. Good stuff.

No such thing as a free lunch? You haven't been to law school, have you?

Im in a remarkably good mood considering that I didnt get a warm shower this morning... We had our first snow last night, and I am beginning to get a taste of the frigid Minnesota winter. This should be fun.

This week I have had a free catered lunch for the last three lunches, go to a free reception tonight and a catered awards ceremony tomorrow night. Hmmm... I might be learning something at these things too... Its all good.

I just got a call earlier from one of the companies that was ripping me off last week... They completely apologized and are taking the charge off my card. NICE!

I stayed up late on Monday and had a gentleman caller over. It was exciting and fun, although I was a little caught up in the fact that I hadn't "been" with anyone but (Mitchell) since May. I got over it, and only as I feel asleep did I think about the different kissing styles I had encountered. Overall though, at least I have officially moved on in at least a physical sense. It sounds silly, but given how into (Mitchell) I was, I thought for awhile that I could never be attracted to anyone else. I was wrong.

Also resolved was an issue at work this last weekend. More or less I had a hellish shift because I grew increasingly tired and found that my boss and coworkers were picking on me in a rather harsh manner. I actually came fairly close to walking out on the shift... Drastic for me to be sure. I talked to Dad and my old bar boss the next day, both of them seemed shocked (and a bit angered) at the way I was being treated by my boss, and so I wrote him an email... Without getting into it, he and I talked it out, and I think have come to an understanding. I am still a little nervous about going back in their after creating that drama, but at least know that I have voiced my concerns... Plus, if I get treated like that again, I know that I am fully reasonable in walking out.

The up side of the whole thing was that it reminded me starkly of how my past relationship made me feel unworthy and self-conscious. And yet, once again, when I went back to my friends at school, they made the whole world feel better in the knowledge that I do indeed deserve more from both a relationship and a job. They really made me feel worlds better. Great people to be sure.

I am, however, glad that I still have my job for the time, because I am spending about a grand over winter break on getting home and then going on a fantastic ski trip with some other students in January. I am extremely excited about both prospects, but it is, of course, important to not blow all my cash to do that stuff.

Okay, back to class... I need to get way more disciplined... Finals are going to kick me ass if I dont start focusing.

Rediscovering Reading

Every once in awhile I shock myself by sitting down with a good book and truly enjoying myself. I got far too wasted last night and have absolutely no ambition to go out tonight and be social. Briana is gone, so I dont have to feel like I am missing anything major by being anti-social either... So in the face of a Friday night home alone, I started to wonder if I would begin to feel lonely. I picked up one of the many books I have been meaning to get to, and have completely enjoyed myself in that moment. I should make more time for reading for enjoyment (as much as I enjoy reading Civil Procedure).

I had a really good talk with Will yesterday. I base my friendships on moments when people need me or I need someone else, and he needed to hear from me just about then. Some dick friend of his had written a horribly mean email about him and forwarded it to a bunch of friends, essentially causing Will to question his relationships. There isnt much I could tell Will except that he is a fantastic friend, and that I miss him a ton. Its funny because I feel like I grew so much for knowing him. I had spent the last week listening to music he exposed me to, having political thoughts that he had swayed me towards... even watching the O.C. which was our guilty pleasure senior year. The more I think about it, the more i get pissed off at the person who maliciously went after one of my best friends.

I sat in domestic abuse court Thursday morning. It was both interesting and intriguing. The judge was compassionate and respectful to the defendants, but I saw him exercise his wrath a few times too. One guy had violated a no-contact order by calling the victim from jail, and the judge just about went ape-shit. What was even more interesting for me though was that of the 15 or so defendants that I saw, only one was white. Domestic Abuse statistics really cover all demographics, so why there was such a racial discrepancy here, I dont have any idea. But my observation was more focused on the system: Here are all these black defendants sitting in front of a white judge, prosecuted by a white ADA, led in by white bailiffs, reporting to a white probation officer, being defended by a white PD. The only black people in the system other than the defendant were the two court reporters, who have little interaction in the proceedings.

I went to a diversity dinner a couple of weeks back, and one of the speakers, a black judge, talked about the fact that if there is the appearence that justice isnt served, then the court systems have failed and justice will fail. The courts can be perfectly fair, but if defendants think that they are getting a bum rap because of their race, then they will not respect what they have done nor the punishment that they receive. The system will fail. Judge Zimmerman, the judge I was visiting, said that it is important to him that in respecting the defendants and being patient with them, he hopes that everyone who walks out of the court will know that they deserved their punishment because of their actions, not because the judge was white. Especially noticiable was that even with a packed docket, Judge Z took the time to greet each defendant with "Good Morning Sir," and really tried to make sure he was pronouncing everyone's names correctly. This was pretty cool to watch.

Anyway, I am starting to feel like I need to crack the whip on myself about classes. I missed a full day today, and have been failing to pay attention in Contracts and Civil Procedure lately. Not good. That is definitely going to catch up with me. Damn you Snood/Freecell/PartyPoker.com/AIM/email/Slate.com. See? Just too many distractions.

As for now, I am ready for bed, happy to have refound the contentment in a good book, and thinking of all the good friends I have. Warm and happy thoughts. Nice.

from my friend's blog

CREED FROM A LATIN AMERICAN MASS:
I believe in God, Creator of an unfinished world Who does not decree an eternal plan of development in which we cannot participate.

I believe in God, Who has not divided people into the poor and rich, specialists and ignorant, owners and slaves.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Who saw the world situation and Who took a stand in it.Taking Him as my example, I see the precaution with which we must organize, the extent to which our intelligence is atrophied, our imagination impoverished, and our efforts neutralized.

Each day I fear that He may have died in vain because we do not live as He lived, because we betray His message.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Who rises for our life so that we may be liberated from the prejudices and presumptions of fear and hate, so that we may transform the world into the Kingdom of God.

I believe in the Spirit Who came with Jesus into the world.I believe in the community of all peoples. And in our responsibility for making of our world a place of misery, hunger and violence or the City of God.

I believe that it is possible to build a just peace.

I believe that a life full of meaning is possible for all and in the future if this world of God. AMEN.

Getting Screwed

I dont know if it is a bad karma thing or what this week, but it truly seems like the world is out to get me. I am normally the antithesis of an alarmist, but this week I feel like I have had to be far more assertive than I am normally just to keep from getting bulldozed.

There's the bank thing, where I have not one, but two transactions that I have to contest as fraudulent. First a check that I canceled, from an account that I canceled has posted on my new account for about $80. The bank cant find the check to verify it or check it out, and somehow this is my responsibility. I went over a little bit of contract law and Banking and Securities regulations, and it looks like they are going to be a bit more helpful. But I shouldnt have had to even do that. Yuck.

Then there is the charge for a DVD I rented, never received, and am now being charged $40 for not returning. I have contacted the company three times by email and three times by phone to try to get ahold of them and mediate the situation. No response. Geez. No wonder the world is so full of lawyers: because assholes like this make it necessary to keep from getting ripped off.

Part of me says to let both things go. I make enough to cover both things and not sweat too much. Is it really worth me getting all bejiddered about? But its a lot of money if you think about it, and there is the whole merit of the thing.

I am also in a tiff with one of my better friends. Long story short, she told me she was going to go with me (and therefore drive me) to this job fair for public interest law. This event happens once a year, and is truly a unique opportunity to meet people in the very niche in which I want to practice law. I got all dressed up, shaved even, and then she ditched me in a very rude manner.

Part of it is that I would have had many opportunities to find another ride if I had been told ahead of time. Part of it is that I hate feeling like a burden to others, and am ESPECIALLY sensitive to others making me feel like a burden. That is exactly how I ended up feeling. So then I dared to get upset with this friend, and now she doesnt seem to have any interest in talking to me. I didnt get an invite out for our normal Tuesday night outing, and things are getting progressively chillier...

Perhaps it is juvenile of me, but I see this as her wrong to be righted. She should approach me and apologize now, not just for ditching me rudely and leaving me high-n-dry for an important event, but for not recognizing that I had a right to be upset about that. But it sucks, because as much as I am good IN a conflict, I hate being in the MIDST of a conflict that has no foreseeable end, it throws me way out of wack. And the longer we wait to resolve this, the bigger an issue it becomes.

Again, do I let this go and forgive even though she hasnt asked forgiveness and dont recognize that I got screwed by this friend, or do I maintain the emotional energy to stand up for myself? Yuck... It has just been one of those weeks. Im getting screwed everyway except the way I would prefer to be.

My thoughts on abdominal muscles...

So being single, I once again get to make observations about the market and dating here. The dating scene here seems to be more superficial even than I was used to before. Perhaps I am older, and thus less superficial. Perhaps I am older and more sensible. Perhaps I am just older, and now superficiality now works against me. But the bar, the internet, its all about muscle size and cock size. To be honest, perhaps it is liberating at first to see sexual desire so liberated, but then I start to think if it is actually liberating the desire and not bottling it up into little itty-bitty impossible images.

My roommate, who I like a lot thusfar, has this computer screensaver that flashes hot guys with six-pack abs and rippling muscles to be seen in the living room. At first I was attracted to the idea of having such a casual display of hot men. But then I started to get concerned. This is a media thing. While I dont blame the media culture for using the hottest guys and girls they can get their hands on to promote products, I do become concerned with how much of this stuff we take to heart. When we are told that THIS is what beauty is, it is almost impossible to stop from evaluating ourselves and others based on those same standards. Do I have a six-pack? No? Then I am clearly not beautiful. Does he have a six-pack? No? Then he isnt either.

I am quickly becoming acquinted with someone at work who is physically gorgeous but so devoid of any sort of morals or drive or passion that he comes off very sad to me. Everyone kinda drools over this guy, but I cease to even find him attractive regardless of his flawless look and willingness to show it off. I started to think about that...

Why am I not attracted to his abs? After a few moments of contemplation I thought, "Why would I be?" When I see someone with a perfect physique, with very few exceptions (Mitchell being one of them) I see narcissism and self-involvment. Dont get me wrong: I am all for fit and able bodies. I am myself moderately selective of the body types I will bunk up with. But I see a man who spends hours at the gym everyday and I see someone who ISNT involved in the community, ISNT helping others, ISNT taking those hours to make the world a better place. I suppose I see the same thing in people who dont lead an active lifestyle.

While we all need to stay in shape, and we all need to take care of ourselves, it should be for the greater good. We should do those things to empower and energize ourselves to be more capable in our vocations to better the world.

I wish that the world, and the gay world in particular, would see beauty in a much more diverse light. Gay men get hooked on Crystal and start wasting away, and they delight because they get skinnier. Gay men chase the HIV "bug" knowing that the medicines will deplete your fat cells and help you obtain those rock-hard abs. This shit is not healthy! And its not what I am into.

Abs can turn me on for a night, but come morning are useless to me. It is passion and committment and humor and intelligence and self-respect and grace that make up my ideal of beauty. I have taken to turning off my roommates computer screen in an effort to recognize that, at least for me, I refuse to accept such a boxed standard of beauty in my men and in myself.

Step One: Replace Boyfried with Video Game

What a great weekend just to chill out. I had a couple of low moments last week, dealing with the break-up, just around the time of Mom's birthday... It was wierd having come down from a time period where i was largely working a ton at the new bar or working on my memo. I finally got down to the reality of the break up.

To be clear: I don't want him back, I just am not real thrilled about being single right now. So in order to adjust, I bought a half-dozen DVDs and an absolutely captivating video game (X-Men Legends II) and I spent most of the weekend just sitting on my ass, making myself happy. While my new roommate probably thinks I am a lazy sloth, I can deal with that for the moment. I worked a good shift on Saturday, had alcohol serving training today... Didnt think about law school all weekend. Nice.

Not much else to report it seems for the moment. The apartment looks great with the new (ultra organized) additions of the new roommate. We are not best friends, but we get along fine. I have fairly easy week ahead, and look forward to more chilling. Good times.

Oh, and check out this Sarah McLaughlin music video. It is truly inspiring. There is so much to do in this world. I guess we should all get started.

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/mclachlan_sarah/videos.jhtml

So I miss him

Ive promised myself so many times that I wouldnt write this. But then I realize that in avoiding the act of writing I am being false and only giving this more weight than perhaps I should. I miss him. Seriously, to the point where my chest aches... I am the "break-up guy." Break-up, move on and be over it.

I have been extremely successful in the last few weeks of distracting myself with everything around me. The Bar, my first legal writing memo (just finished it a couple hours ago). But there is still so much that reminds me not just that I am alone, but that I miss him in particular. Songs. Thoughts. Phrases.

I just watched episode 11 of the first season of Sex and the City. Carrie has become all full of self doubt because she is so in love with Big and they have stopped having sex. Gone into the normacy of a relationship. So many comments that she made hit at home. I realized that through this whole thing, I was Carrie and (Mitchell) was Big. Comments just scared me about how things could get so out of my control, and I could feel so unappreciated, yet tolerate it in the name of love. At one point she storms out, waiting for him to come after her. And then to call her. She gets nothing. Been there for sure.

The thing that gets me though is that Carrie and Big do end up together in the end, albeit six years later. I know I am worth more than I was getting. I know exactly what I bring to the table. But there are moments that it is difficult to get past how solitary I feel in my own skin at the moment.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about death. Something like how to truly appreciate life, one must appreciate death, and vice versa. I feel a bit like that right now. I guess I didnt appreciate how much I was in love until I had to walk away and let that love go. And it hurts. But I guess that is how I know it was real.

Perhaps the fact that I was able to love should offer me hope that I can love again. Right now I just want the (Mitchell) back that I fell in love with.

moment of panic and the UCC

I have been having a really good couple of days. I received the glorious blessing on Sunday of an extensioin on my legal writing memo till Friday, which made work more relax and my life a lot less harried.

Work at the bar has become much more leisurely, as I have grown to get to know the staff and the way things run. When you get down to it, a bar is a bar, a martini is a martini. The computer system was the worst learning curve, and I quickly have become acostumbed to that. Oh... And the money is terrific.

I seemed to misplace my cell phone yesterday, but I refused to get out-of-whack about it... I had a very limited area of space I could have lost it in, so i figured it would turn up. I got an email this morning though from a law-school administrator telling me to call my father. I pretty much freaked out. I ran out of the class room, figuring that my Grandfather had died, and Dad was trying to get ahold of me to let me know... Actually, the Uof M campus had found my phone in their parking lot and called the "Dad" entry. Pheewww. That had me worried.

The reason that I was at the U in the first place was that I went to a Same-Sex Marriage debate at their law school. It was quite interesting really, and I ended up making a "contractual model" argument for marriage in the face of the two models offered up. The Defense Alliance guy (anti-SSM) said that the courts have never granted the right to "marry whomever you want," (the companionship model of marriage) but rather that the State Interest in marriage lies in the foundation of stable familes for the burden of child-rearing. Since SSM fundamentally doesnt have the burden of child-rearing, there is no state interest in it.

Interesting argument, really... Except it forgets that Marriage is largely a contract. In the "Contract Model" I proposed, the state has an extremely large interest in stabilizing and establishing the union of two people who own property and accounts, may have children, and have entered into life-long partnerships. The State-Interest in this sort of policy is extremely strong... Think about the costs of divorce and child support... How much harder are these issues to establish justice if one party decides to leave after 40 years of shared venture.

Anyway, the Defense Alliance guy then referenced a book called, "From Sacrament to Contract." Interesting, I thought... Since the US government is NOT in the business of establishing and recognizing sacraments, but IS in the business of doing so with contracts. Then the D.A. guy said, "I wouldn't want the UCC (uniform commercial code) getting involved between me and my wife." My friend Meg leaned over and pointed out that in our Contracts class (1st year class) we had learned that the UCC only applies to the sale of goods. I pointed that out loudly, to much laughter. The D.A. guy responded, "You dont know my wife..."

Wow, that says a lot about how he views HIS marriage.

Go ahead, keep defending Britney's Vegas wedding. Im coming to get you... Two more years of legal education and I am REALLY going to kick your ass.