Running out of Q-Tips

Time to go shopping.

Oh, and BTW, Im still a giant slut.

After spending a week with my grandparents, which I enjoyed fully, I got home last night and needed something to off-set the MASH and Bill OReilly I had been watching. So I got together with a fantastic group of friends... And only slept with one of them. ;-)

I have to go back to school tomorrow, and am very much dreading it. Having time to myself to read for pleasure, do what I want and generally just chill has been almost decadant in the light of my normal life. I spent a few hours today putting my old Europe group-emails into this blog under the appropriate dates. They became rather celebrated among the 500+ people who received them, so I figured I might as well save them for posterity. Looking back too, I am truly impressed by how much I did in Undergrad. Seriously. How come I cant get shit done now? Seems like I am barely treading water in law school. Of course, that's like treading water with 100-lb weights tied to my ankles, but still.

The question is largely, how do I maintain this fantastic sense-of-self that I have rediscovered? I need to forget again about grades, focus on friends who treat me well, and just make myself happy. I think I can do that.

Just keep swimming.

Looking in the Mirror

Law school has been hard on me. Hard on the person who I have come to know and develop in myself, and hard to hold onto the things I love about who I am. There is this constant challenge, and drive, and whether I admit it or not, competition. Meanwhile, I find myself uniquely alone in my surroundings, without the companionship I found in Milwaukee, Caracas, TC, and even to some extent in Madrid. I am slowly developing relationships that I can really rely on, but as with all things, it comes with some difficulty. Social development takes time.

This last weekend has renewed me though. Friday I went out to lunch with some friends, went out with Kenz for dancing and drinking games, Saturday I had breakfast with Christina then flew to Chicago and hung out with my Sis, then got far too wasted with Will and Co. and ended up making out with a stranger. Woke up on the couch of a friend and went to brunch with Carey, J and D, looked at some open-houses too for J which I loved. Then rejuvenated at the hotel for a bit before going to Hooters for crab legs with Pete and John from back home. Then had a rather long day of flying, I ended up with my Grandparents in Tucson for a 5-day visit with them. Why does all of this matter? Because all of these people adore me. All of them get me. While I might, at times, feel very alone in my current social sphere, it is so incredibly helpful to be reminded of how loved I am elsewhere, and that, in time, I will develop friends in Minneapolis too.

I have been working very hard at liking what I look at in the mirror. It doesn’t always come easy. My friends don’t often see that, but I have trouble liking myself, seeing myself as worthy. Mostly body-image stuff really, for which I completely blame gay-culture, but other outside comparison stuff comes in there too. When a classmate treats me as expendable, it gets to me. But it shouldn’t.

The breakup with (Mitchell) jarred my sense of worth a bit. There were so many ways that the whole thing made me feel undervalued and unloved. Then I would start to wonder if anyone will ever value me enough for a relationship, and the thought-process went downhill from there. Enough. This last week, I finally realized that I am over it. Done looking at life from the “break-up” perspective. Time to move on.

I looked in the mirror just now, and I look good. Damn good. Maybe its all the love I have felt in the last 72 hours, the heinous sweaters my dear grandmother insists on giving me every time I see her (do I look cold?), the way that Will and I know it is okay to get wasted around each other, the fact that Kenz will unhesitantly accompany me to the gay bars. I have a summer job (three in fact). I am looking at buying a house. I am in the top of my class. I volunteer and live a good life. I am without psychosis, well adjusted and very little drama. And lastly, and I wish I thought it was least importantly, I am attractive. I look in the mirror, and just wonder how I am still single. I just hope that others see the same in me. And that I allow myself to see the same in others.
It feels good. And if I finish this Spring Break with nothing accomplished other than feeling good about myself again, then fuck yeah!

The week of getting let down... and yet...

Well, Happy St. Patrick's Day! I have been lit now for about 24 hours, so the Irish blood in my body seems wholly sated and satisfied.

Its interesting. I just got off the phone with my new drinking buddy who mentioned that he would miss me while Im gone on Spring Break. That actually means a lot. Even though this guy has only known me for about a month, he appreciates me enough to say something like that.

This last week I have had some friends let me down. One friend didnt want to drive through the snow so wreaked all sorts of havok on my travel plans. Another friend expected me to be at her social beck-and-call and completely disregarded me. The guy I was starting to date kinda blew me off disrespectfully. And yet...

And yet I have these "other" friends: friends who are not at my school or in my old social networks. I guess I am used to people enjoying me for the massive amount of people I know and the connections I have, and that just isnt the case here yet. So then you find out who your friends really are: the ones who take care of you, listen to you, just be with you regardless of the social scenario. Anyway, this week felt way better because I have been able to end it out with those sort of people around me. Thanks guys.

Tomorrow I fly out to Chicago to hang with the old crew from College, some high school friends, my sister, and then see my grandparents. Should be fun. Wish me a safe trip!

Eight Days Later

Well, it's March, and Minnesota has decided to become the winter-wonderland everyone was warning me about. We finally had a good dousing of snow. Classes were canceled Monday (although my volunteer clinic was not) and my ride to Milwaukee canceled on me today because she wasnt comfortable driving with the prospect of snow on hand. Hmmmm... I had to last-minute problem solve my spring break plans, ended up dropping my tax returns on a flight to Chicago and a hotel there since the "staying with friends" thing wasnt working out either. Anyway, this is more expensive, but perhaps a bit more relaxed. Too bad about missing St. Patrick's Day at Marquette. That would have been a terrific time.

This also means that I wont be having brunch with (Mitchell) as planned. The whole thing was my idea really, just to clear the air and hopefully jump-start a friendship again. One of my friends asked quite sucenctly, "What the fuck are you hoping to accomplish?" Truthfully? I want to make sure he is okay. When I last saw him he was not doing so hot, and I want to see how he is doing with the job and a few other non-public details.

Its been amazing though, and I write this more for my own ability to look back if I ever have to go through a miserable break-up again, that as of this week, or perhaps last, I am finally over it. It was a long time coming, and usually very dependent on the friends around me distracting me, but with the entrance of a new group of friends and hanging out with the law-school crowd a bit less, I really havent thought about (Mitchell) other than to try to make plans for the weekend.

Spring break starts tomorrow, and I am now flying to Chicago to hang out with Carey, Will, J and D, possibly some TC friends, maybe even get together with my Aunt. Then I fly to Tucson to hang with the grandparents. I really dont know what to expect down there, but I look forward to bonding and just relaxing if nothing else. Too bad that I am finally at an age that I want to golf, and neither of them can any longer. There is also the reality that this might be my last visit with my grandfather, so I want to be rather strategic about how I spend my time. I might even be willing to wake early and go to mass with him. (last time I was at a church with them I walked out of the service when the priest started pontificating on "acceptance"... this the same month as the Church gave $500,000 to support the marriage amendment in Michigan to ban gay marriage)

School has calmed down a bit. After my last entry I had to explain my outburst to some, but few cared, and those that did agreed with my sentiment, if not my mode of expression. I went ahead and then had another outburst in the same class when a "visitor" corrected me on the reading. This is a guy who I gave a tour to a couple of weeks ago, and he has taken to sitting in on our class... Not just that though, he bought the book and has become a balloon-hand. God, do I sympathize for his classmates next year. Anyway, I took care of the situation on an administrative level.... Hell, if the Prof isnt going to do anything, hell if I stand by idly.

LOL... on that same note, I had a tour to give today of a gay guy looking at UST, and our Prof tried to extend class into our lunch hour and everyone was pretty much dismayed... We just wanted to get out of there and are all looking to Spring Break. I told her she wasnt allowed to extend class: "Excuse, me Mr. Eichenlaub, why am I not allowed to?" I calmly responded that by order of the Dean, 12-12:30 is the "spiritual hour" and no non-spiritual activities, curricular or otherwise, were allowed to be hosted. Can't much fight with that.

We are heading toward the Marriage section in this particular class, and this Prof and I are on the opposite side of the argument, and Ive made it clear that Im not going to let much slide in class. But she and I had a good early-morning chat this week, sitting in the sunlight, and just kinda heard each other out. I really respect her for that. I am SURE that she has heard my side of the argument before, as she has made a career out of fighting it, but just having her sit there and listen and care about how this issue affects me and mine made me feel more comfortable about her, us, and the particularly sensitive issue we are going to be having shortly with 70 others.

Losing my cool

Up till now, my classmates have seen a semester and a half of me being a nice guy. Easy to be around, always friendly, strong willed and perhaps a little agressive with a professor, but always in a way that worked out well for the class as a whole.

Today, Im not sure I made any friends. They saw the "me" that can be a bit harsh.

First of all, the last week and a half has been brutal. We've all been working our asses off to get ourselves prepared for midterms and projects, all while the reading load has been increasing substantially. And the little things that used to bother me now seem intolerable.

There are quite a few people in class who love to hear themselves speak. I suppose this is to be expected as this is a law school, but there is one person who grates on me especially. Not because she is an overzealous participant in class, but because she invariably shows through her participation that she hasnt done the reading for the class. We invariably get held up on a concept that was spelled out clearly in the book, and she decides to voice why she thinks something IS something else. NOT why it ought to be something else, but answering questions blindly with no regard for what might have been in the reading she failed to do. Our professors continue with patience, stopping to then teach this concept as though she misunderstands. They dont see this for what it is: pandoring to the lowest common denominator-- a person who simply hasnt done the work.

I have had to deal with this my entire life. I am in Law School now, God Damnit! I no longer have any patience for this sort of bullshit. If I am stressed out and tired and grumpy because I didnt get enough sleep/entertainment/exercise because I got my reading done, why should I have to sit in class and let someone like this waste my time. So here is how it went:

Prof: "In a situation where ___ does ____ is there ______?"
Girl: "Yes, I think there is because ..."
Prof: "Really, who else thinks that?" (almost no hands go in the air)
"Well, Christian, why do you disagree?"
(I had adamently put my hand in the air for the other side of the issue)
Me: "Because the notes in the book CLEARLY say that this is not the case, for those of us who decided to do the reading."
Prof: "Whoa... Okay...Yeah. This was pretty explicit. But why then?"
Me: (i then continued to give a three-word answer why... and was right... because I had read...)

The entire class took a deep breath in and you could feel the tension in the room. The Prof stayed away from me the rest of the classroom, and the individual I was going after proceeded to stay quiet.

This is not a class where the Prof uses the Socratic method and this person was just trying to fudge her way out of appearing dumb. She voluntarily raises her hand to stop the class with her questions/interjections etc. I have utter and complete respect for the student who couldnt get to the reading so sits there quietly and tries to take the best notes possible. I have been there a few times myself. But to pressume to insert yourself in this discussion after failing to educate yourself enough to even read the assigned material?

Turns out I have an issue with that.

Making all the wrong decisions, or perhaps the right ones

Wow. By the Grace of God, I made it through yesterday. I had stayed up reading until about 12:30 getting through massive Properties and Con Law readings, along with two chapters for Lawyering Skills. When I tried to get to sleep, I was so nervous about yesterday's Streetlaw lesson, that I wasnt able to sleep until about 1:30. Great. That makes the day easier by far. Grrr... But somehow I made it.

Classes were sparce and the conversation dull. We are all at the point where this isnt fun anymore. We just want to make it through. But I made it through classes, ran around to take care of some small stuff (like copying out my taxes for Financial Aid, intercepting my new partner for Streetlaw, etc.) stopped into an MJF meeting, and then went to go teach my Streetlaw class.

First of all, my "supervisor" was there. We met beforehand with the teacher to ask what the HELL I should be doing to get better control of the classroom situation. My supervisor later said that this teacher's supervisory style is "not optimal" but that the situation isnt lost.... Totally cool... At least he knows that there is someone watching out for my interest in this thing. And he was at least a little more hands on yesterday during class, even if there were still times that conflict urupted (between students) when he wasnt even in the room.

Anyway, as we were starting class, the oung lady with whom I had the conflict last time calling me "the asshole" loud enough for me to hear her. You all know that I dont take insult well. Any other situation, I would have been right back in her face, telling her exactly where insults like that will land her in life. I dont take a punch to the gut very well... Anyway, I gritted my teeth, put on my best "tour guide smile" and proceeded to apologize to the class for my previous week's behavior:

"I need to start off by apologizing for losing my cool last time we were together. Im not that much older than you guys, and this is one of the first times in my life that I have to act like "an adult." I am used to responding as you would, returning disrespect in kind. But I cant do that here, and I am deeply sorry for any disrespect I showed last time I taught. I hope that you all will forgive me and that we will move on from here." At the end I was looking almost pleadingly at the student in the front of the class who had just been calling me an asshole. Well, it seemed to at least remedy that.

As for the rest of class, we found a student who was willing, in fact offered to, get "ghetto" on the other students, silencing them for us and commanding their attention when there was no way for us to do it ourselves. We went over housing law and had probably the best session I have had so far.

Sooooo... I made it through that. Now just to come up with a lesson plan for next week.

After that, back to lawyering skills, then worked on a research project for a little while, turning it in about 5pm. Then read in the library till 7pm, then went to the Minnesota AIDS Project to stuff condom packets. My motives for that were varied, but essentially I am exploring new ways to meet people. The only person I really met while there was a fairly loud queer who got extremely competitive with me when he said, "Just once Id like to have a Saturday off," and I said, "Tell me about it man." Apparently he thought I was trying to start something as opposed to just being friendly. So he started rambling off loudly everything he does in a week. I let him take that one. "Im sorry sir, your insecurity is showing."

Afterward I went home to cook dinner with like the zero amount of food I have in my apartment. Time to shop for sure. Finally got the rest of the dishes done, and was just passing out in bed from exhaustion when one of my new friends (of the couple, see below) called to see if I wanted to go out. Initially I was asleep when he called, but after his call woke me up I couldnt get back to sleep, so I figured, what the hell, and joined him out for a while. God, its nice to have new buddies. He and his BF are just good people.

So... I have an excrutiatingly long day today. But after making it through yesterday, I feel like I can take on anything. Go me!

Helping Katrina

I know that when Hurricane Katrina devastated the New Orleans area this last fall, the desire to help was almost universal. We all saw the effects and shuddered to see the devastated buildings, lives, families. As a first year law student, I felt particularly helpless. Everyone around has done little things to help, but there seemed to be nothing that I, personally, with my mountain of student loans and no legal experience could do to lend a hand.

This semester I started to volunteer with the VLN Family Justice Center Self Help Center. At the center I have been aiding people to work their way through their custody or divorce issues, doing intake and issue evaluation before they see our volunteer lawyer. It has been an incredibly educational experience to work with real, palpable legal problems in a setting where people are truly in need of your assistance. And last month, I finally got my chance to do my part in the wake of Katrina.

A client appeared early morning saying that her husband had taken her children for the weekend and now refused to give them back. They were all refugees of Katrina, and this woman had come to Minnesota because her husband had said he had friends in the area. What he really mean, she later found out, was that he had another lover up here: a lover who soon thereafter filled out divorce papers for him to hand to his wife, leaving her alone in a new state after the greatest natural disaster in the United States. Now her husband claimed that he was going to keep the children and enroll them in the school district where he had moved to.

This woman had come to us, "living by the grace and mercy of God." Everything she owned had been given to her to help her recover from the devastation Katrina left her in. After filling out intake papers with her and summarizing the legal problem for the lawyer, I received a phenomenal lesson in civil procedure. "He handed the papers to you? Well, he cant do that...This hasn't even been signed or filed..." We proceeded to help her fill out the In Forma Pauperis papers so that even if the divorce was painful, she would be spared the extra expenses. And finally, as to the children, the lawyer somehow had the incredible instinct to ask, "Did you have them with him before or after you were married?" Before as it turns out. He proceeds to flip to a Minnesota statute saying that until paternity was established, she had full custody. So... "Call him and tell him that. If that doesn't work, call the police and ask them to enforce this statute."

After spending the morning with us, this charming and gentle woman was going to get her children back. While we couldn't spare her of the impending custody struggle she was going to have, we were able to figure out the short term, and arm her with the ability to take care of herself from that point on. We do that all the time, and while I know that I shouldn't care more about this particular client because she was a Katrina victim, I did. I had finally been able to do something, however small, to help just one person displaced by that horrible event.

I would be willing to bet that most of our clients have had tragedies befall their lives. Perhaps not as renowned as Hurricane Katrina, perhaps more personal in their natures, but our clinic happens to help people when they are fighting for the one thing they have left: their families. To know that we can help, even just a little, these hard working people makes me understand why I have entered into the practice of law.

mental health day

I got to the point in my reading last night that I just hit a breaking point. Actually, I couldnt even bring myself to begin the reading, I just couldnt get over the motivation roadblock I felt. I just wanted to break out of the monotomy of what my life has become of late: Wake, school, home, nap, cook, study till midnight, maybe catch a tv show. Over and over again. This sucks.

Ironically, a bunch of the other guys hit that same breaking point last night. Good to know at least that I am not the only one blowing things off.

Anyway, after spending the afternoon avoiding the work, then the evening chatting online, I decided to meet an acquaintence from Milwaukee (one of the old Bag Boyz) out at a neighborhood bar. We chilled and got to know each other a little bit and started playing darts when I spotted a nice-enough looking guy sitting alone. Through my years of bartending, and my personal experience feeling very alone in this city, I know how cool it can be to have someone befriend you. So I looked at my Milwaukee friend, and said, "I'm going to go make us a new friend." And that I did.

Turns out this guy in on his way to law school next year, and is engaged to be married to another guy who showed up shortly thereafter. The four of us ended up talking and just chilling for a few hours, and they were actually a bit reticent about letting me go home... It was amazing how quickly I felt I had made new friends. FINALLY! It has been driving me nuts not to have gay friends in this city, and here are two well-adjusted, caring guys who were quite charming. We exchanged numbers and I hope to hang out with them again soon.

Two things:
1) How does one proceed in making non-awkward plans with a new "couple" of friends? I dont want to do the third wheel thing, and I definitely dont want them to get the wrong impressions about my interest. Do I have to wait three days to call? Wait for them to call me? Just find the next convenient time when Im out with friends to give them a call? Ideally Id have a group of gay friends that I could invited them along with, but I dont, as of now have that group. I've never quite been in this situation before. Suggestions?

2) Seeing this couple, so perfectly congruent together, matched in their personalities and yet wonderfully different people, I felt a lot of things. Envious of the obvious romance between the two of these guys. Coveting a future relationship like that of my own. Scared that I will never be sitting in such a blissful spot again. But mostly, admiring such a shining example of what I want for my own life. Here are these two, one going to law school on the east coast because his fiance wants to move out there, the fiance moving to where his boyfriend is going to law school. Met casually, through school. Getting married shortly after graduation. Big rock on the finger. Bickering about family stuff, wedding plans. There but for the grace of God go I.

I guess the biggest thing that hit me was that I have yet to meet a couple quite as "together" (even if it was just a facade) as these two guys. There is part of me that just wants so much for them to succeed, so that I know that it is possible that I do also.

On the other hand, what do I have to do to get there? Work harder or let it come naturally? Why has God not sent this sort of thing my way? Many of my friends are not the marrying type, but I clearly am. I can think of nothing I want more than to have a family with a loving partner. I dont want to be one of those single 30s people. I love being single, but when a sled-dog movie can make me tear up because I long for companionship, I cant belive that this is what God has planned for me.

Happiness is where i am, I just have to let it be. Go Zen. Breathe. God moves within and around. It all will happen in its time. (I'll just keep repeating that until I believe it).