Affirmation

What an interesting week this has been. Tonight being Sunday offers me a nice chance to decompress after a long week. Not having had a weekend after last weekend's trainings, this weekend is was particularly important for me to feel like I caught up emotionally and physically.

Wednesday I met with a counselor. Turns out I am not an alcoholic. As we talked, I remembered how nice it is to have someone just sit and listen to you. Someone who has not heard about your breakup ad neasum for the last three months. Someone who hasnt tired of hearing you complain about how you have no gay friends. She determined that I have some "other" issues that I need to deal with, but on the face of it, alcohol does not seem to be the concern. Dealing with my problems through alcohol would be, but I have learned my lesson with that one.

Thursday everyone went out to bar review. I went along with the whole group, and just hung out. I did shots of water and drank Cokes. It is a really nice way of saving some money. The bartender was a bit disdainful about it, but screw her. The next morning I was very proud of my decision given how hungover everyone else was. One friend couldnt even get out of bed. I had a tour to take, and I was glad to not show up for this one in the same condition as I did last time. And I had still enjoyed my night thoroughly.

Friday I made it through classes (albeit underprepared for both), worked out in between at the Y, had lunch (free) with a prospective student, then went to BOOM to have my photo taken for Lavender Magazine's bartender of the month. The writer/photographer was pretty cool and he ended up offering to hook me up with some freelance jobs. We'll see what I can think up for content. Im kinda disconnected with the gay world here, so I dont have a ton to write about. Worth following through with though.

Then I napped on the couches in the restaurant until my friend, I'll call him (Stud), the guy from the Streetlaw training showed up. He and I had a pleasant dinner, just chatting and seemed to connect well. It was an early night because he was understandably tired, and he said he'd call or email er something. I get the feeling that this one is too good to be true. We connected so well, but I dont know that he was feeling it. My brain is just telling me that he is too good to be interested in me. I mean, this guy is so attractive that all the other staff at the bar was immediately asking about him (although I could have brought the hunchback of Notre Dame in there and they would have probably questioned too just for the sake of gossip). I think important to see though is that this was an opportunity to make a friend. Regardless of everything else, hopefully this will be a guy that I can call to go out with.

Well, then I planned on going out with the Tommies, but none of them called (GRRRR!), so I ended up going to Brokeback Mountain with a new friend who lives down the street. We had been chatting for a while, and he is new in town, so our friendship is truly mutually beneficial. We then hung out for a while on Saturday and our activities may have tested the boundaries of the friendship, but we seem okay today. I tried to make it extremely clear to him that I am far far more interested in maintaining and building a friendship than in just hooking up. He is incredibly intelligent and cute as hell, so those lines may have gotten blurred. Still though...

Then off to work, where I had a stellar night. They are not starting me lately until 9pm, which is SO much easier to enjoy because I dont feel drained past the point of comprehension at the end of the night. We were dead until about 9:30ish and then BAM wall to wall. The computers all decided that they were going to have about a 5 second processing delay, and while that sucked, it added to the challenge of the evening, and I did kinda revel in it. It's amazing how much the atmosphere has changed since our old manager left. I am really enjoying this job now. The new guy is just a plain-old sweetheart who differs to our judgment most of the time, and things seem to be running way smoother (with the exception to the computers, but that should be an easy fix). Anyway, fun stuff.

Then today, I went to Muffaleto's with Christina, caught up, had a fantastic brunch, and then home for a very long nap. Got my reading done, watched Grey's and Desperate with my new friend, now here I am.

All that, and I finally kicked my cold. Life is looking good.

"His Thang ain't gonna glow red!"

The above care of my ultra-conservative Texan property professor. Her quotes are abundant.

So remember how I was far too gutless to ask the guy from last weekend out? (see last posting) Well, life throws us funny little twists. Last night, as I was emailing a couple of guys back in Milwaukee on Friendster, I happened to see HIS profile on the "singles" part of the page. This cleared up just enough of the confounding questions (is he gay, does he have a bf) that I was able (with the goading of a friend) to drop him a note and ask him to a dinner/coffee thing.

Well this morning, I got a response. He had no idea I was gay, told me that I pulled off the "ex-frat boy gone law school" look pretty well, and gave me his number. We proceeded to email back and forth all day long and then talked for about a half an hour at the end of the day. Sounds like a good guy. If nothing else, I am glad I took the risk and hopefully will have made a friend out of this. He is also a 1L, so at least for the next 3 years or so we live in identical worlds, even if they happen to be at different law schools.

Secondly, I went to the Y today during our elongated lunch period with a pal. She showed me around, and a I got some good lifting in. That is always a good way to distract me midday. Getting a workout in definitely goes in the plus column.

Later, I made yet ANOTHER (count them 8) call to the clinic where I am trying to schedule an Alchohol Assessment. I havent drank, or even really been tempted to drink, since two Thursdays ago because I want to get this assessment done first. But Will is coming up this weekend, and I dont want to not drink because I havent gotten my shit together, nor feel guilty because I am drinking... Anyway the clinic told me they would call me back... Which they did 1 1/2 hours later only to tell me that they wouldnt work with my insurance. This is especially odd since my insurance was one of the ways I was referred to this particular clinic. I also offerred to pay out of pocket, but they refused... Wow... Here's a clinic that has it's priorities in order. Anyway, I found out that I could get the same assessment for free TOMORROW through the university. Easy decision. What a pain in the ass this process has been. But I am fairly relieved to at least have this step taken care of.

Then, I got a call from the Public Defender's Office asking me in for an interview. YEAH!!! This is for a summer clerkship that I applied for a while ago and had kinda lost hope in. Wish me luck!

To cap off this good day, I received my placement for teaching Street Law this semester. I am at the Interdistrict school which is pretty much across the street from my school, and I will be teaching a mid-day session on Tuesdays (during that extended lunch hour) with a guy from the U. This is the ideal placement/time, so this is also extremely good news. With this addition to my schedule, I have a very front-loaded week with the Volunteer Lawyer's Network on Monday mornings and now this on Tuesdays, but I think it is better than trying to do these things when I am burned out at the end of the week.

Okay, bed time. Im still kicking this cold, so sleep is a good thing. Life is good. I am majorly contented at the moment.

The Weekend, as it were

Well that was... dull.

Since when did I give up having weekends? I stayed in feeling a bit sick on Friday, then Saturday went to a training seminar from 1-6, then work from 9-close. Today, woke just in time to go back to the seminar, 1-6, then come home and get my reading done for tomorrow. Yeck. Im already ready for next weekend.

Oh, and Im getting a cold. Yeck. Yeck. Couldn't have anything to do with pushing myself so hard? Nah.

So there was this guy... And I need advice. This is not a SERIOUS boy dilemma, just a mild one. At this training seminar there was this totally attractive guy with kind eyes, intelligent comments, and a pretty good look to him. He seemed pretty gay to me. Im attracted. Now what?

What do grownups, in a non-bar situation, do? Keep in mind I am at a semi-professional training and would hate to be accused of scoping for guys (which of course all gay men are doing ALL the time anyway) and Im not even sure he is gay. I dont know this guy from Adam, but would like to get to know him better. Now what?

This comes back to the lack of socialization skills that gay men are able to train by not acknowledging their sexuality in their youth. I dont know how to approach someone like this... I didnt get that training in high school.

I mean, in retrospect, I am sure that I could have gone up to him and been, "Nice comment in class, I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner some time." It seems easy. But it also seemed WAY out of place at the time.

Perhaps it is still that fear of rejection that we all need to get over. I know that this isnt just my problem, but I do hold on to a least a modicrum of my self dignity. What's the worst he is going to say? No? That's the answer I have right now anyway. Perhaps the question I fear is, "why?" I would hate for it to come down to me blubbering something about, "You have pretty eyes and talk nice." But is that even what I am scared of? Why was I too big a pussy to go there?

Seriously... send me advice on this one. I WILL see this guy again. What should I say?

How I Roll

I had my first real Property class this morning. I think we were all expecting the professor to come in breathing fire or something, but she really was not that bad and, if anything rather engaging. Here's the thing: she's the enemy. There, I said it. If we were fighting a war for equal rights for gays, she would be the enemy. It is the same conclusion I came too a little over a year ago about the Catholic Church. Just cause they are nice to your face, doesnt mean that they aren't the same people to take away your rights.

For one of our readings today there was a statement by the Pope on the necessity of stable M+W married families. Grrrr... We also had to read the creation story in Genesis. I had heard so much about this particular professor's anti-gay rights stances that I have been continually preparing myself to go to battle. I didnt sleep well last night because of it. But when all is said and done, the readings she assigned were actually quite applicable, if not intriguing. In retrospect, I wish I had read them more openly as opposed to trying to "arm" myself against them.

To my credit however, once I felt taht she wasnt going to be constantly antagonizing me, I released some of my built up rage toward her, and actually enjoyed her class. I guess there is something to be said for the fact that I still went in with a (semi) open mind and then just let go of the bad attitude I had.

A similar thing happened with my tailor.

I had taken a few shirts in to have them taken in (odd verbage there) and had to make an appointment to try them on. First of all, it is off to have to make an appointment with a tailor. Well, I had to reschedule once, then missed that appointment, and so called yesterday apologizing. The guy started flipping out at me. WHAT? I know that I was rude, but I apologized. Is my TAILOR seriously yelling at me? It got me so steamed that today I went in armed with all sorts of things to say to defend myself and go to battle. In the end, I lost track of time and even went to today's appointment late. Ooops. Anyway, once I got there, he was apologetic for yelling at me, I was apologetic for being late, and everything was okay... But once again, I was armed and ready to go, but then just let it ride.

I know that there are probably less emotionally-taxing ways of dealing with these things, but I guess this is just how I operate. Perhaps this could be a learning moment.

Early Morning Workout

I have yet to get my schedule ironed out for this semester. For instance, I probably didnt need to get up at 5:55 to get a workout in before my 9am class.

I was looking at the Golden Globe winners from last night. While the winners are all the movies and shows I rooted for, such as Showtime's fantastic "Weeds," and "Desperate Housewives," along with the revolutionary "Brokeback Mountain" and "Transamerica," I realized that I hadnt seen ANY of the movies that won (including the previous two that I was rooting for more out of social reasons than anything). I need to get to the theater more often. Or ever.

Today I have my first class with the "Anti-Gay." Perhaps I shouldnt call her that because "some of her best friends are..." but that embarrassing logic stopped working in the 60s. Anyway, today she is lecturing us on mental health (including a speaker on Alcoholism...timing?). I have no issues with this, other than the babying aspect. But, for tomorrow we have to read the first three chapters of Genesis, a reading by the Pope, etc... Oh... This is going to be interesting. I seriously am willing to take her on, and I dont know if the students around me, or she (or I for that matter) are ready for that. I just dont feel like I should be force-feed the bible, or her anti-gay-marriage rhetoric in my PROPERTIES class. So the question of each and every class will be: 1) how does this have to do with Property law and 2) does this respect the religious background of every student present. Perhaps I am getting too preemptively defensive... But I have heard some nasty stuff about this woman.

On the other hand, I had heard similar things about the Prof who just offered my a research fellowship this summer, and he and I get along fine.

As for my other Profs, at least I have one who I know is predictable. My Lawyering Skills prof is very talented, and actually kinda nice once you get past the chilly facade she puts up in class. She is just kinda old school.

I have already ticked off my Criminal Law prof. Okay by me. He had this attendance policy which, as it originally read, only allowed us to miss three classes. It is not that I skip a whole lot of class, if you look at my last semester I hardly missed any, but it comes down to a "babying" sort of thing. Respect that we are adults and that we can recognize the detriment of not coming to class. If your class is taught right, then we should not be able to pass the final without showing up for the lecture. If you are a poor teacher, then you might have something to worry about... Anyway, I asked him in class why the attendance policy was so harsh. This threw him off a bit. He asked me what the other professors' policies were. I threw out Sisk's (10 classes) because I couldnt think of any others. He thought that policy was absurd.

So then I went back this weekend and pulled out every syllabus from each class that we have had (or currently have) so far. There either wasnt an attendance policy or it was high, like Sisk's. I emailed the Crim Prof what I had found saying that I wanted to more completely answer his question... He emailed back a class-wide response about "kids these days" and bumped the policy up to six absences. Still though... I want to call him out on the "kids" comment. I dont think we have any "kids" in our class.

You'll notice that I am avoiding talking about the alcohol situation. That's cause I am not ready to talk about it quite yet. I will probably write when my "test period" is over and I have been able to go in for an alcohol assessment. Till then...

Bad night out

I have so much to catch up on... But first I feel a certain obligation to cover the events of the past evening. It has been a hard day to be certain, but I feel like I am dealing with what I need to to gain perspective, and control, over the situation.

I awoke this morning to a police officer in my bedroom shouting to me. Apparently he had tried knocking and shouting from the door, but he was unsuccessful in waking me until he was but a few feet away. Why was there an MPD officer in my room? Here's a good story:

I got really really drunk last night. I started at a friend's at about 7pm, had two glasses of wine, and then went to another friend's house where I had two or three Captain and Coke's (heavy). Then we walked to the Lone Tree and I proceeded to have a few more Captains. It was a good night. I got wasted. I knocked booty with a fun couple of friends on the dance floor. Then I decided to walk home.

First of all, it is important to know that I used to make that walk while on the phone with (Mitchell). I remember missing him during the walk, and I remember calling my sister. I proceeded to concoct some absurd story about being kidnapped in Cuba and tried to tell her, and then my father when I scared her bad enough that she put him on the phone, that I loved them and that they shouldnt worry about me. Before my phone died, I managed to convince them both that I was seriously in grave danger. Then I passed out in bed.

I had terrified both my father and sister. Dad stayed up all night trying to reach me, finally calling the cops, as well as officials at my school.

After the cop woke me up, I dressed and went to school and met up with a couple of prospective students. I still smelled like booze, and was in fact still drunk.

This is a problem. I manipulated and abused my relationship with my family. I dissappointed and embarrassed my school. I have rarely been this ashamed in my life.

I may have a problem with alcohol.

It is incredibly hard for me to find perspective on this issue. I need to deal with this. "The guy" at my school who I am dealing with is suggesting an alcohol assessment test. He thinks I may be an alcoholic. My friends, on the other hand, dont see the big deal. Everyone does stupid things while they are drunk. Everyone drunk dials everyonce in awhile.

I stand somewhere in the middle. I dont think that I am an alcoholic. I dont need or even desire alcohol, it is just a part of my social life. I dont look forward to my next drink. BUT hurting my family, which is the most dear thing in the world to me, is absolutely unacceptable. And I will do whatever is in my power to make sure that it never happens again. Perhaps I am not an alcoholic, but I may still be willing to give up alcohol, because it is the smart thing to do to protect my relationships. And "the guy" makes a good point: What more do I need to lose or harm before I am willing to give up drinking? What is it going to take?

Ironically, the person being most relaxed about this is my father. With his background, and a history of pressuring Carey and I to not drink and to recognize our genetic alcoholic predispositions, I figured that he was going to harp on my to quit. The reality though is that he seems glad that I am just taking responsibility for the situation and willing to look into it.

So here's the game plan... I am taking a week break from drinking. Just to see how it feels. To think this over. I will go and take the alcohol assessment early next week. I have already met with a new friend who is trying to get me into AA meetings, and if nothing else is sharing his story. I see myself as having a couple of options: quit drinking with AA, quit drinking without AA, start only drinking wine and beer and no hard alcohol, or just continue on in my otherwise prosperous life until the next time I screw up majorly... I'll let you know what I decide.

I think I'm gay because I could never quite figure out how the vagina works

Soooo.... It has been a while since I have written. Much has gone on, but nothing truly of consequence. I am getting life in order before I leave tomorrow for Colorado with a bunch of my law school buddies for our big ski trip. I worked through the New Years holiday, all three nights, and actually had a good time with it. It's nice to get a chunk of change to pay off my Christmas/Ski Trip expenses before I go and spend more money. Frankly, being slightly in the hole helps me stay disciplined with my cash anyway...

Just found out that Dad's girlfriend broke up with him. I know he saw it coming, because it was about an issue that has been troubling them for quite some time, but I know it isnt easy on him. Just adds to my current jaded mindset though: relationships will all eventually hurt you. Through death, cheating, getting left or irreconcilable issues, they all end in pain and misery. Not something I am willing to invest in at the moment.

I went and saw "Pride and Prejudice" with my family while I was home. Predictably, everyone is happy in love at the end. We were walking out of the theater, and all I could think was, "Sure, It's all butterflies and cupcakes until someone shows up at the airport with hickeys on his neck." My father pointed out that the movie took place in 17th century England, and that there were no airports. Completely beside the point.

Being home was good for me though. Not only was I surrounded by the unconditional love of my family, but I got to experience the "hot shit" factor of being home. This is not about me thinking highly of myself, but rather quite the opposite. The boys in Minneapolis are quite difficult to impress. They are looking for rippling one-night stands with giant dicks. I am a cute bartender who just doesnt want to go that route. But back home, people see me as the law school student and admire me for that, and see the truly great boyfriend potential that I hold, and that feels good. The superficial element just doesnt matter as much, because the dating pool is so much more shallow... Typical big fish, small pond sort of scenario.

I talked with a couple people last night about my lack of gay friends. There were a few guys at the bar last night who just started chatting with each other, in a totally non-corousal sort of way. Just talking about politics or some crap. I SOOO wished that I was on the other side of the bar with them. I dont know how to make that happen. I was told by one of the barbacks that people do indeed talk ABOUT me (in a good way) but that they dont feel I am approachable... The other option for me is to sit alone at the bar (mine or elsewhere). One would think that having lived alone and traveled as much as I have, I would be comfortable meeting people that way. But there are usually two outcomes: a) I look/feel like a creep or b) people perceive me as cruising, and totally dont see me as a possible friend.

Granted, all of these are mental barriers that I should get over. It is like the fear of hot guys: being afraid to approach someone for fear of rejection because they are super-cute. When in reality, they want to be approached as much as you do.

Perhaps I should remember one of the gentlemen I saw a last night. He came in alone, left alone, but was easily the hottest guy at the bar. He just sat there drinking his Laphrange on the rocks and was quite friendly. Yet, very much alone. A couple people asked about him, so he was obviously not giving off the creep vibe. And he was just waiting to be talked to.... I can be that guy. I just need to get over this fear of that "third eye" watching me.

One last quick note. I am finally starting to get along well with one of the other bartenders who was driving me nuts. I asked him not to jibe me in front of the patrons, just because it makes me feel awkward, and he seems to be respecting that. The Manager, however, said something pretty shitty to me last night. I guess I dont know what his problem with me is. He has never been very nice. A couple patrons were flattering me about how I was the "best bartender ever" (which I have never held myself out to be, nor desired to be), and I jokingly told them to speak up so my manager might hear, as he was sitting right there. My manager then said something about how, "I know a few who would disagree," trying to bait me. I laughed him off, telling him that you can't please everyone all the time, trying not to show weakness. But it bugged the hell out of me. If someone had complimented his managing style, and I had said the same thing to him, how disrespectful is that? What kind of person needs to drag others down for fun? He and I have already had a discussion about him saying rude things to me... I can keep brushing these things off... But should I have to?