Really seeing Home

I come back to Traverse City to see my family. They are the world to me. But I also get to see a lot of old friends while I am here, and that is definitely an added bonus. I do learn a lot about life from looking backwards at where I have been, and seeing where life has taken everyone else too.

I went out with my oldest friend in the world last night. I have known him since we were in 4th grade cubscouts. At one point he wanted to be an art therapist and work with kids. Then he became somewhat of a Christian punk-rockstar. Now he's a jerk.

I ended up smacking him at one of the bars for using "gay" in a dergatory sense for the Nth time that evening. I really dont know if there is the possibility of a friendship between us in the future. It's so sad to me. Sadder than all the people who I think failed to escape, are the ones who did, and became something far worse. He now works for the business world, and spends his free time trying to bed women. This is a kid who used to preach "no sex until marriage" and be a very strong spiritual person. I guess I have never before seen "the fall" of a person like this in my life.

Im not a giant fan of big religions, but if nothing else they can hold one's feet to the fire. This friend of mine at one point said, "I'm not a player, Im more of a playboy, because Im all about the pleasure." I pointed out that another word for that was hedonism. All night long he proceeded to try and pick up girls all around us. Granted, he is phenominally good at it. The kid has definitely hit his stride, sexually speaking. He is no longer the scrawny, geeky kid that I grew up with. But then, neither am I.

Hopefully I am not a jerk.

Protecting those we love

I wish that I could take your pain away. I get so very frusterated and mad at life, and at God, when shit befalls my amazing friends. Here is this person who is inspiring in intelligence, talent, poise, spirit, strength and humor. She has taught me so much already about who I am, and I see in her someone who I would like to be. But when it comes down to it, there is nothing that I can do to help.

I wish I could protect you from this pain. From this loss. From this uncertainty. I wish I could wrap you in a giant hug and tell you that you will be safe and that you could believe me. I wish that I could take on your loss, your feeling of being lost, and bear it myself, knowing that you would probably be better at supporting me than I could ever be at supporting you. It pisses me off that right now, right when I am starting to feel like the universe is becoming balanced once again and that good people are rewarded, and the bad punished, I see evidence that this is not so.

You deserve more happiness than any of us, and yet in this moment there is only a deep sorrow that is not only undeserved but unjust. Why cant they see you for the person you are, the unbelievable blessing that I count you as? I guess I have to pray that God will right this wrong, will find a path for my lost friend, but even my prayers seem feable to help a friend.

It's interesting to me that I can live through so much in my own life, and yet becoming almost emotionally unbalanced when my friends have to deal with their trials and tribulations. Watching you struggle is so much harder for me because I love you so very very much and it drives me absolutley batty to be helpless to make things better. I feel like some sort of caged animal that is pacing, waiting to be unleashed so that I can fix everything for you with some sort of magic band-aid, and maul anyone who would hurt you.

I will be there for you. I want to know how I can help. I know you would do the same for me.

In fact, Im pretty sure you have already.

Just to prove that things havent changed that much...

St. John's chaplain resigns over new Vatican teaching

St. John's chaplain resigns over new Vatican teaching

This article raises an interesting issue... If gays are so "inherently disordered," what effect would an "outing campaign" have on the church?

I know of at least a dozen gay priests personally, two of whom are PRESIDENTS OF UNIVERSITIES, and with this new Catholic teaching, it seems like the church is setting themselves up to lose some high quality men who are already serving it. I would never never never subject my friends to any sort of humiliation, but it is foreseeable that someone else could. The end result would probably be negative anyway, because it would take progressive leadership out of prominent spots and replace them with "Benedicts". Even so...

Another theological point which is interesting is one that a priest friend told me when I was still looking into the priesthood. Essentially, if the vatican says that gays cant be priests, they invalidate each and every sacrament that a gay priest has performed, past and present. This is an interesting little quirk about the Church: current decisions do indeed affect past souls. So any baptism, communion, wedding, or last rite that a gay priest (or gay pope, because there have been rumors about some of the Renaissance boys) has done effectively never happened. That's a lot of new souls now in hell. Seriously. This is Catholic doctrine. Look it up.

Looking for a good reason to get an anulment? Just tell them your priest was a bit limp-wristed.

Finals are FUN!

Okay, that was a bit of sarcasm. I am so incredibly burned out, and as a consequence, utterly unprepared for Tuesday's Torts final. I'll make due, but it aint fun.

I had a classmate approach me and ask me to blog a little about some of the antics that we practice during finals. Spend 14 hours a day in library (which I have largely NOT done, but many have) and funny things start happening. One friend's computer screen suffered permanent damage when it was struck by an orange flying through the library. Not really that shocking.

We start joking about our rotund Civil Procedure professor showing up people's doors wearing nothing but a Christmas Thong. (it would definitely be a Christmas, and not a Holiday, thong, because this guy is a major Catholic)

Another friend and I are pretending to be a couple in the presence of that same professor because he seems to enjoy that idea. Unfortunately, my wife-to-be is also of the "homosex-uwall persuasion." Hey, at least there wouldnt be any premarital sex.... At least with each other.

We talk about how we might throw off each other's test taking: Wearing butt-less chaps into the classroom and then dropping the exam... maybe buttering up a few days ahead so that it's all greasy and pimply... Anyway, thats severe... And it got vetoed because our classrooms are subzero, and those little plastic chairs would be hell on a bare ass.

Then theres the... "It-it-it-it might be a contract" that has become familiar to all of us. "No contract, no contract, no contract, no contract BOOM. Contract."

The jokes that are only funny when you are in a study room with the same crowd for days on end, and only because you have all become similarly geeked out.

And damn, I never thought I would become comfortable farting around people in such a large context. I had to start giggling in the library one late night when I ripped a loud one, but no one could hear it because everyone was wearing headphones... It wasnt so much funny that I farted, but that I got away with it... Then everyone else started letting them go too, and it was a bit oto much to take. Perhaps this is why there isnt a lot of law school romance going on.

But good Lord, do we talk about sex like it is going out of style. Maybe that's because it is. After studying Civil Procedure or Contracts for 8 hours, it is like your sex organs go on strike. They just refuse... "Nope, you havent given me enough to work with." I just look down at my crotch, and it's like, "Oh, you've got a headache? That's okay, I wasnt really feeling it anyway." Except of course with that mental picture of the professor in the Christmas thong...


Okay, other than the studying humor, not much going on. I got excessively wasted on Friday night on Jack Daniels. Then I met up with my favorite Ex in the world, Brian. I totally still think he is the coolest person ever. He was in town for business, but we hung out in uptown towards the end of the night. Then we went back to my place where we had the most exciting... rehashing of our breakup. Yep... Not really what I was looking for either.

On the plus side, it was interesting, because he was telling me how, even after our short relationship, he had really fallen for me, and just when the relationship got a bit difficult, I shut him out and broke up with him.... Sounds a bit familiar. Anyway, since then Brian has been kinda "shut off" from relationships, trying not to get hurt. He now blames me for that (semi-jokingly). That "shut off" feeling is kinda where I am at right now, and I suppose the lesson that I should take from this is not to let that permentalize (word?) in my mind-set. It's okay to feel self-protective for a while, but I shouldnt shut down the chances of future relationships just so I wont get hurt again.

Anywho... I got my new black IPod, and have been tinkering with that... Wonderful little machine. I have already wasted a ton of time playing with it... Just what I need: another distraction.

Okay, I need to get a move on. It's 10pm, and there is still lots of studying to be done.

absurdly fun

there is just something about being in a sinking ship, surrounded by people you enjoy.

This is exam week. Yesterday was my first law school final, Contracts. It was about 4 hours long, and non-stop writing from the moment we sat down for it. I did my best, although I am fairly sure that I bombed one of the sections because I didnt understand what the prof was looking for. Ouch. I knew the info but... Ahh well. No use focusing on it, especially since I have Civil Procedure now staring me in the face. (actually more like squatting over my face getting ready to take a dump)

After the test yesterday we all went to a Pub, had food, beer and whiskey shots. By about 7pm we were all pretty... relaxed. Ended up back at Brianna's, when a new friend from work joined us. He and I disappeared upstairs to my apartment about 9pm, and much to our surprise, the cable guy was there. He was this very attractive asian-type in his 20s, working on our cable and internet until about 10pm. I was wondering if we were in a porn. Then I had a fun little make-out session with this new friend. I think there may have been a little pent-up frustration from a) spending the last week in the library and b) staring at this guy at work for the last months. He had taken off his shirt a couple of shifts ago, and I just about had to run to the little-boys room. Anyway, I am not looking for anything deep here, just messin around.

I called (Mitchell) the other day. Dont groan, it isnt like that... I just wanted to check and see how he was doing. There was absolutley no intention to restart our relationship, I just was checkin up. I left a nice message, and told him to give me a call. And he hasnt called back. I actually feel good about that. I did the right thing and I feel like this is some (small) sign that he is still hurting from the whole thing. Not that I am happy about that, but it is good to know that I wasnt the only one affected by the whole ordeal. Anyway. enough of that.

Well, I wish that I had more to report, but the library is my life right now. At least it's a fun library. (We have renamed our floor the "Absurd Floor." Fits pretty well.)

The Short Version

When I was 17 and in the Faith Reformed Youth Group, I went on a mission trip to Canada. I was dealing with a WHOLE lot of issues, among them this part of me that everyone said was wrong. At service one night, a pastor called us up to received the gifts of the spirit. He asked us to come and give ourselves completely to God.

I went up front and prayed. "God, take this from me. If it is evil, I will fight it, but tell me that this is a fight that you need from me."

In that moment I got hit with wave after wave of chills, and a feeling of peace that I long for to this day. I had given myself up to God, asked him to fix me, but instead, he filled me with Peace. A Peace that helped me to know that I was okay. That God didnt need this fight from me.
The problem, however, arose when that same youth group kicked me out some months later. They were sure that I had misinterpreted my message from the spirit.

At least, sure enough to kick a teenager out of their church.

Exams and Will & Grace moments

It has been a while since I have posted to my blog. I have been busy buying expensive jeans and dvd sets. Oh yeah, and then there’s law school.

I took a break tonight to watch The O.C. which then led me to tape Will & Grace, and then watch CSI… Really didn’t get a tremendous amount done, but since I am not going out to a blue collar karaoke bar tonight, as I did last night, I figure I can get away with a bit of TV. I have my goals set for the night, and I still should be able to get through the work I need to.

It was interesting… Will & Grace had a scene about being scared to be single. Grace said something along the lines of, “The year after Leo and I split up, I gave my key to everyone who held the door open for me. I had to change my locks a lot that year.” It’s hard doing the single thing. It’s hard doing the dating thing after you have left something that was so comfortable beforehand. You do just want to jump right into the middle of the relationship that you just left. And yet, we all know that it is not healthy to think like that.

This is not me whining any longer. I am no longer lamenting my single-hood, but more just contemplating it. I need to air this shit out. Otherwise it pops out at awkward moments, like say on last Sunday’s date. It was actually kinda comical in retrospect: this guy’s eating habits were the opposite of mine, and it reminded me of how much (Mitchell) and I loved to eat together. We just had very much the same tastes. And we were “Fat kids at heart.” Unfortunately, I decided to share all of this with my date. Hmmm. Not good.

I guess my point, and my date’s point come to that, is that I need to be able to look fondly back at those memories without making those feelings of longing. I am happy right now. I am surrounded by some incredible friends, have enough to keep me engaged and focused, and am starting to regain my “sense of single.”

As for everything else in my life, I am keeping things pretty boring. I go out with the Tommies a lot, always have a good time, and try not to spend too much time studying. I am facing three finals in the next nine days. This is the point when everyone is freaking out to study constantly, so I am just trying to avoid the law school. I was within the top ten for the midterms, so I am not going to freak out now. We’ll see what I think about that approach in a couple of weeks.

Tonight my main project is revising my resume for a clerkship with the Public Defender’s Office that is due tomorrow. It’s an interesting exercise in PR, so I am just tweaking things more or less.

Saturday Morning

I wish that I could sleep longer after my shifts. I worked last night from 9 till close, and that is a far, far easier shift than my opening shifts on Saturdays. Which , speaking of, I need to go BACK to work here is a couple of hours. It is going to be a LONG-ass shift because I am on my own till 8pm and there is a big group of hockey players that are coming in at 5pm for a bachelor auction. A bachelor auction which I have been lasooed into under a bit of duress. "Team player," bullshit, you know. Now I am terrified that I am going to get "bought" by some old troll and then have to spend 3 hours pretending that it's okay that he is a creep.

I finally got my lawyering skills brief done during the day on Thursday. I am not sure that I am completely satisfied with how it turned out, but it's done, and at this point that is enough for me. I went to Boom on Thurday night with some people from OUTLaw, the student group from law school. I was worried that no one would show, since one of my friends bailed, but it ended up being a really good group. I talked with my 1st trans-person ever... That was pretty cool. And my straight-crush from school showed up and we had a good chat. Then I went to a bar in St. Paul and I drank beer out of a pitcher. That was a blast.

Torts yesterday was a hard time... I got called out on not focusing... I was still a bit drunk. Then to breakfast with Jake and Ben. Really good time with that. Bloody Maries and a sassy waitress. Those guys are pretty cool. Someday I want to start a law firm with all these people. How awesome would that be? Maybe we would wait for 10 years to establish ourselves, but then Jon, Shannon, Jake, Ben, Brianna, Meg... etc. etc... We would have the most incredible workplace, and I know these people would be damn fine lawyers. That would be cool. We'll see.

Okay, I need to nap before my shift....

Warm socks

Can I tell you how unbelievably happy I have been the last couple days to have new socks taht keep my feet warm? Seriously.

Okay. Now that I got that out of the way. I have been spending the last 72 hours trying to chip away at my Lawyering Skills Brief, and in the process have spend about 70 hours on Friendster and watched more than my share of Family Guy (come on! Volume Three just came out yesterday... what am I supposed to do, let it sit there all unwatched? Please!) The assignment isnt that killer if I were to just get to it, and my goal is to have it done in the next 24 hours, hopefully by the end of the night even. I just have so little motivation left. I just want to pass these freakin class so I can move on with my life. Sheeesh. And this is my first semester.

Went out to lunch with a bunch of guys from class. I felt like I was totally in the "boys club" and it felt pretty awesome to be included. And yes, we did talk about strippers and blow jobs. But for our group, that is pretty much the norm. Some of these guys are such seriously wonderful people. Certainly can make me laugh.

Time to really get to work now. Maybe.

Clearing the resumé

Home again.

The weekend was nice. It was a good break, and it was amazing to see my grandfather and Mae-Mae. It was quite an experience to fly in for two days in the thick of his treatments to see him in his condition and then fly right back out again. He is such an amazing and intellectually daunting man normally, and I feel like everything just took so much more energy for him this visit. Thanksgiving was wonderful with our little family and the two young cousins. I suppose there is a certain point where I feel dreadfully disjointed from everything going on with Benjamin, who has downes syndrom and then Grandpa's worsening condition. And yet, the holiday was very cheery, very much my family. Carey, Dad and I had some wonderful laughs, and I had some touching moments with Grandma. Grandpa was hard to connect to, but that has always been the case.

At one point, Aunt Lisé asked me what happened with (Mitchell). I was sincerely hoping to avoid that. She asked out of kindness, but YUCK! His roommate called to connect this weekend too... While I would have loved to see him, the wrenching questions I have about what HE is up to, and who HE is seeing, and whether HE is happy... Not good ground to tread on at the moment. God! How am I still strung up on this?

Anyway, I am back now. Worked last night to sheer exhaustion, but rather enjoyed the shift. But damn if I dont have to deal with some queeny bitches. YES, you need to have an ID. YES, you need to pay your tab. YES, you have to wait like everyone else during our rush to get your appletini (If I didnt shake a hundred appletinis last night...) We had a new barback last night. We'll see if he'll last. They do WAY more work than we do, that's for sure. Cute little straight guy who kept getting in all of our way. The cuteness will wear off, then he'll just be in our way. I hope they dont take Jason off of my shift. He is hands-down the hardest worker there and often the only person who keeps me sane.

Today I tried to get some of the random stuff out of the way. I am so mentally gone on Sunday's after a shift, so I just got myself prepared for the week and called it good. I am starting to look through some of the materials to get summer clerkships and something struck me. The resumé that I am supposed to include isnt supposed to have much information about my undergraduate activities. The models only list previous jobs, and those are mostly legal jobs. I have a ton of jobs, if these places want to see where I have bartended!

I spent so much time in undergraduate accomplishing things and being the rock-star everyone has come to appreciate. Now I am at this new school, and I have to re-establish myself (for better or worse) from a practically blank resumé.

I know how invaluable my past experiences have been, but how do I get that onto paper?

I respect your "differently-abledness" you F*in gimp!

Good couple of days, although a ton of classes. I am very ready for the next two days off, and am very excited to see the fam. Nice.

Yesterday we had a bake sale. I had made blueberry muffins, peanut-butter cookies and jello. Yes, J-E-L-L-O. It was a fun variation on the norm. Shortly after I started staffing the table, one of the more (most) conservative professors came back and complimented my muffins. She had bought the whole lot for one of her classes. This is a prof who has written very vehemently against gay marriage so when she walked away, I commented to some friends, "Gee, Its a good thing I put all that 'Gay-Powder' in there... She'll be a bull-dyke by noon." Fun stuff.

Later that day we were starting our Lawyering Skills class. We have yet to receive our graded memo back, and we have a major brief due next week. I raised my hand to ask a very legitimate question but unfortunately said, "In writing our memo should we..." The prof, who is known to be a bit harsh and frigid, cut in, "I certainly hope you are not still working on your memo, Mr. Eichenlaub," as I had mispoke myself. I retorted, "I'm sorry, I must just be distracted because we havent received our graded memo yet." The class gasped... She paused, glared, then said, "Nice dig Mr. Eichenlaub." Then she proceeded to push back our assignment due date. The class was both shocked and pleased with the whole interaction. I had taken on the prof, and come out better for it. Sweet.

Yesterday I also wrote an email which has gotten some debate going. There have been some recent incidents at UST undergraduate showing homophobia and recent statistics show that students are not learning to respect sexual orientation as part of diversity. Our group here at the law school is concerned. I wrote an email suggesting that our group write a press release/internal memo cautioning our admissions office against admitting UST undergrad students as they might not be likely to understand or respect the Law School's commitment to diversity.... Essentially issuing a a shot across the deck of administrators that could catch some press attention. The stance is both strong and controversial, and the reaction to the idea has already been interesting.

Finally, I have been thinking about gay sex education a lot lately. It is an issue that the "gay agenda" has left largely untouched. There are almost no education programs in this country that are willing to touch gay-sex with a ten foot pole. And yet, as scientific institutions, these programs should recognize that the need exists. In my personal case, I took sex ed like everyone else, and when I came out my father talked to me about making sure to protect myself with condoms. But I had sex for two years before I discovered lubricant. While this might be a small matter, it is an important one. Not only for reasons of discomfort and bleeding, condoms are much more prone to rip when used without lubricant. Now, after working with the AIDS Resource Center for many years, I understand this importance. But I was with a boyfriend who was 23 and he didnt know about it either, so apparently I wasnt the only one who missed this message.

I am trying to think of other sexual issues that might pertain to LGBT youth. Any other ideas?

Grandpa

So, my grandfather is dying.

He's got cancer, and they are giving us the tentative guess (which means that they have no idea really) that he has until February. I know that I should be sad about this, and I will be for sure, but the only thing that Grandpa and I have ever seen eye-to-eye on is death.

We talked a few weeks ago about whether Christians should really fear death. It was a pretty gutsy conversation on my part, but I am glad that I had it with him. I will not mourn his death. I will mourn our loss, but my grandfather is a good man, has been all his life, and there is no doubt that he will be joining my mother in heaven.

This week is kinda the "last harrah" more or less for the family, and it is oging to be rough. Part of me wants to ignore it completely, keep giving the old man a hard time and challenging him for all that he is worth, part of me cant help but step back and see that he, and I, are still too young for this loss.

I have dealt with death only one other time in my young life, and it was under completely different circumstances. When Mom died, it was tragic, sudden, and hard to comprehend. With Grandpa, we have this month that I guess I am booking to be the month he dies or something. I have the burden of knowing that the last few times I see him will be coming up, and that if I dont show him my love now, I fail as a grandchild. At least with Mom, I didnt have to stress about it beforehand (not that I mind), but it is almost like I am experiencing part of the grief now in the preparation that I get to have this time.

I learned with my mother that death is a part of life. In order to appreciate one, you have to appreciate the other. Wish it was as easy as it sounds.

Swimming swimming swimming...

Last night was a blast. Perhaps I had a better attitude. Perhaps I made myself really clear with the guys about how I felt last week, so I was able to stay out of all the tussle and joking this week. Perhaps it was that the other two bartenders both empathized with me about the 13 hr shift and such. But I had a blast. I am making a concerted effort not to dance behind the bar, which is made far easier by our no-drinking policy, and I really just grooved with everything last night. It was a fun job again. Aftwerwards I went out for breakfast with the barback and the expeditor. I feel like there is a social ranking at the bar, and I totally fly in the face of it. I could care less what these guys do for the bar... In fact, the barback works exponentially harder than the rest of us, and still remains more pleasant.

Anyway, I should really be in bed right now. Or working on the killer assignment coming up... Perhaps both. I didnt get to bed until 5am after breakfast (which was such a good idea) but for some reason woke up at 8am... Wierd. Well, back to bed for a while I think.

PS... While I have definitely reclaimed the "Don't Cha," song that used to kick me in the gut with memories of (Mitchell), I still get my stomach pulled backward when I see him online. I cant bring myself to delete him, which perhaps I should, but I also dont have anything to say... It is a wierd limbo feeling. Hmmm... Whatever.

Tour Guide Extraordinaire

Yesterday was a long, but fun, day. We had double torts in the morning which, while it sounds painful, is not extruciating. If I have to sit in any class for twice as long as normal, torts would be my choice. And the longer we sat there, the punchier the class got. At one point we were talking about a drug, DES, which had harmed children some 20 years after their mothers had taken it while pregnant. The normal statute of limitations had run, but congress had passed a special extension for this drug. Our prof asked, "Who do you think was pushing for this extension in Congress?" The obvious answer was "trial laywers," but then someone said, "Democrats," in a rather disdainful voice. I immediately retorted loudly, "Sure, because Republicans hate women." Nice. Got a rather good reaction from the class.

Later, our civil procedure prof was talking about impossible scenarios when a judge shouldnt put an issue in front of a jury. "For instance, if my wife claimed that a fairy stole her wedding ring and was claiming insurance. This scenario should never be put in front of a jury, because clearly, fairies dont exist." I interrupt, "Prof. Sisk, you just killed a fairy!" It took a minute for him to get the Peter Pan reference, the whole class laughed, and then he proceeded to clap his hands and try to fly Peter Pan style... The whole visual made it worth going to class that morning.

After class I grabbed yet another free lunch and went to a discussion about how to become a clerk for the public defender's office in Hennepin County. Certainly sounds like a good option. Would open some doors. I already know that I dont want to go into criminal, but it would flex those muscles a bit, which would be healthy. It's interesting though, my only experience with Public Defenders up to this point was negative: when the PD in Milwaukee accused me of having incited the attack against me because I was using racial slurs. (she also had pulled me out into the hall and told me (the victim) that I was needlessly ruining her clients life) <--I now realize that both events were misconduct on her part.

Nevertheless, I do plan on applying. The app is due n about two weeks. Geeee. Fun. Cause I dont have anything else to do. Phhhh!

After that I hung out with two classmates, pretending to study for a while before we went and led tours and sat on an admissions panel. Dear God, how I miss that! I am SOOO good with those things (if I do say so myself). The Dean came in at one point and was listening in, and he came up to me afterward and said he was extremely impressed. This certainly seems to be a talent. Perhaps it will also encourage him to see me as an asset to be respected. But it was a blast.

Finally, took the lightrail to meet up with Christina and go see the latest Harry Potter at the IMAX... It was a bit of effort to catch it there, as it was quite the commute, but it was totally worth it. The screen was enormous! Anyway, the movie was totally fulfilling, and I had a blast. Christina has been sick, but she was a trooper anyway. Good times, great movie.

So what a fun day! I go back to work today, and certainly hoep that I enjoy my shift, because otherwise it might be my last. Wish me luck.

Shoveling the turkey and stuffing the snow.

I should really be in bed about now... Tonight is the first thursday that I havent gone out to bar review in a while, but I figure that if nothing else I need to punish myself for missing class last week due to the drunkeness.

Life is good... I have been busy with friends, school, and a new dating situation which has arisen. After I went to the MJF banquet tonight, he came over and watched a movie (mirroring last night when, after a diversity reception at a firm, I met him out, came back and watched a movie...). He was laughing at me tonight because he asked what my "type" was, and he couldnt be more opposite, but at the same time I find him incredibly attractive and there is a wit about him. Doesnt vote though, which as petty as that is, is truly important to me. I guess that it is so engrained in me that a person out to AT LEAST do that to participate in the system that governs their lives. I have been working in elections since I was 14, so I have been taught that "non-voter" is a fairly negative term.

Whatever though. I find myself contented to be with him, and that is certainly enough for now. I dont know that either of us have much to invest in anything right now, so if it just happens to be "make-out" buddies or whatever, I can live with that. (note the psychological barriers being presented to avoid being hurt again)

Tomorrow I have a busy day, ending with me going to see Harry Potter at the IMAX with Christina. I am SO excited about that! It is such a treat for me. I see movies so rarely lately, and Harry Potter is awesome as it is, but to be able to see it at the IMAX is the ultimate thrill. Plus, any time out with Christina is fabulous to start with.

Carey called tonight to tell me she loves me and misses me. I cant wait to see her over Thanksgiving. While it will be a short trip (Wed-Sat.) and we will be in Flint, MI and we will be dealing with our first visit with Grandpa since he started chemo, it is still my family, and I still love them till I could burst. Good stuff.

No such thing as a free lunch? You haven't been to law school, have you?

Im in a remarkably good mood considering that I didnt get a warm shower this morning... We had our first snow last night, and I am beginning to get a taste of the frigid Minnesota winter. This should be fun.

This week I have had a free catered lunch for the last three lunches, go to a free reception tonight and a catered awards ceremony tomorrow night. Hmmm... I might be learning something at these things too... Its all good.

I just got a call earlier from one of the companies that was ripping me off last week... They completely apologized and are taking the charge off my card. NICE!

I stayed up late on Monday and had a gentleman caller over. It was exciting and fun, although I was a little caught up in the fact that I hadn't "been" with anyone but (Mitchell) since May. I got over it, and only as I feel asleep did I think about the different kissing styles I had encountered. Overall though, at least I have officially moved on in at least a physical sense. It sounds silly, but given how into (Mitchell) I was, I thought for awhile that I could never be attracted to anyone else. I was wrong.

Also resolved was an issue at work this last weekend. More or less I had a hellish shift because I grew increasingly tired and found that my boss and coworkers were picking on me in a rather harsh manner. I actually came fairly close to walking out on the shift... Drastic for me to be sure. I talked to Dad and my old bar boss the next day, both of them seemed shocked (and a bit angered) at the way I was being treated by my boss, and so I wrote him an email... Without getting into it, he and I talked it out, and I think have come to an understanding. I am still a little nervous about going back in their after creating that drama, but at least know that I have voiced my concerns... Plus, if I get treated like that again, I know that I am fully reasonable in walking out.

The up side of the whole thing was that it reminded me starkly of how my past relationship made me feel unworthy and self-conscious. And yet, once again, when I went back to my friends at school, they made the whole world feel better in the knowledge that I do indeed deserve more from both a relationship and a job. They really made me feel worlds better. Great people to be sure.

I am, however, glad that I still have my job for the time, because I am spending about a grand over winter break on getting home and then going on a fantastic ski trip with some other students in January. I am extremely excited about both prospects, but it is, of course, important to not blow all my cash to do that stuff.

Okay, back to class... I need to get way more disciplined... Finals are going to kick me ass if I dont start focusing.

Rediscovering Reading

Every once in awhile I shock myself by sitting down with a good book and truly enjoying myself. I got far too wasted last night and have absolutely no ambition to go out tonight and be social. Briana is gone, so I dont have to feel like I am missing anything major by being anti-social either... So in the face of a Friday night home alone, I started to wonder if I would begin to feel lonely. I picked up one of the many books I have been meaning to get to, and have completely enjoyed myself in that moment. I should make more time for reading for enjoyment (as much as I enjoy reading Civil Procedure).

I had a really good talk with Will yesterday. I base my friendships on moments when people need me or I need someone else, and he needed to hear from me just about then. Some dick friend of his had written a horribly mean email about him and forwarded it to a bunch of friends, essentially causing Will to question his relationships. There isnt much I could tell Will except that he is a fantastic friend, and that I miss him a ton. Its funny because I feel like I grew so much for knowing him. I had spent the last week listening to music he exposed me to, having political thoughts that he had swayed me towards... even watching the O.C. which was our guilty pleasure senior year. The more I think about it, the more i get pissed off at the person who maliciously went after one of my best friends.

I sat in domestic abuse court Thursday morning. It was both interesting and intriguing. The judge was compassionate and respectful to the defendants, but I saw him exercise his wrath a few times too. One guy had violated a no-contact order by calling the victim from jail, and the judge just about went ape-shit. What was even more interesting for me though was that of the 15 or so defendants that I saw, only one was white. Domestic Abuse statistics really cover all demographics, so why there was such a racial discrepancy here, I dont have any idea. But my observation was more focused on the system: Here are all these black defendants sitting in front of a white judge, prosecuted by a white ADA, led in by white bailiffs, reporting to a white probation officer, being defended by a white PD. The only black people in the system other than the defendant were the two court reporters, who have little interaction in the proceedings.

I went to a diversity dinner a couple of weeks back, and one of the speakers, a black judge, talked about the fact that if there is the appearence that justice isnt served, then the court systems have failed and justice will fail. The courts can be perfectly fair, but if defendants think that they are getting a bum rap because of their race, then they will not respect what they have done nor the punishment that they receive. The system will fail. Judge Zimmerman, the judge I was visiting, said that it is important to him that in respecting the defendants and being patient with them, he hopes that everyone who walks out of the court will know that they deserved their punishment because of their actions, not because the judge was white. Especially noticiable was that even with a packed docket, Judge Z took the time to greet each defendant with "Good Morning Sir," and really tried to make sure he was pronouncing everyone's names correctly. This was pretty cool to watch.

Anyway, I am starting to feel like I need to crack the whip on myself about classes. I missed a full day today, and have been failing to pay attention in Contracts and Civil Procedure lately. Not good. That is definitely going to catch up with me. Damn you Snood/Freecell/PartyPoker.com/AIM/email/Slate.com. See? Just too many distractions.

As for now, I am ready for bed, happy to have refound the contentment in a good book, and thinking of all the good friends I have. Warm and happy thoughts. Nice.

from my friend's blog

CREED FROM A LATIN AMERICAN MASS:
I believe in God, Creator of an unfinished world Who does not decree an eternal plan of development in which we cannot participate.

I believe in God, Who has not divided people into the poor and rich, specialists and ignorant, owners and slaves.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Who saw the world situation and Who took a stand in it.Taking Him as my example, I see the precaution with which we must organize, the extent to which our intelligence is atrophied, our imagination impoverished, and our efforts neutralized.

Each day I fear that He may have died in vain because we do not live as He lived, because we betray His message.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Who rises for our life so that we may be liberated from the prejudices and presumptions of fear and hate, so that we may transform the world into the Kingdom of God.

I believe in the Spirit Who came with Jesus into the world.I believe in the community of all peoples. And in our responsibility for making of our world a place of misery, hunger and violence or the City of God.

I believe that it is possible to build a just peace.

I believe that a life full of meaning is possible for all and in the future if this world of God. AMEN.

Getting Screwed

I dont know if it is a bad karma thing or what this week, but it truly seems like the world is out to get me. I am normally the antithesis of an alarmist, but this week I feel like I have had to be far more assertive than I am normally just to keep from getting bulldozed.

There's the bank thing, where I have not one, but two transactions that I have to contest as fraudulent. First a check that I canceled, from an account that I canceled has posted on my new account for about $80. The bank cant find the check to verify it or check it out, and somehow this is my responsibility. I went over a little bit of contract law and Banking and Securities regulations, and it looks like they are going to be a bit more helpful. But I shouldnt have had to even do that. Yuck.

Then there is the charge for a DVD I rented, never received, and am now being charged $40 for not returning. I have contacted the company three times by email and three times by phone to try to get ahold of them and mediate the situation. No response. Geez. No wonder the world is so full of lawyers: because assholes like this make it necessary to keep from getting ripped off.

Part of me says to let both things go. I make enough to cover both things and not sweat too much. Is it really worth me getting all bejiddered about? But its a lot of money if you think about it, and there is the whole merit of the thing.

I am also in a tiff with one of my better friends. Long story short, she told me she was going to go with me (and therefore drive me) to this job fair for public interest law. This event happens once a year, and is truly a unique opportunity to meet people in the very niche in which I want to practice law. I got all dressed up, shaved even, and then she ditched me in a very rude manner.

Part of it is that I would have had many opportunities to find another ride if I had been told ahead of time. Part of it is that I hate feeling like a burden to others, and am ESPECIALLY sensitive to others making me feel like a burden. That is exactly how I ended up feeling. So then I dared to get upset with this friend, and now she doesnt seem to have any interest in talking to me. I didnt get an invite out for our normal Tuesday night outing, and things are getting progressively chillier...

Perhaps it is juvenile of me, but I see this as her wrong to be righted. She should approach me and apologize now, not just for ditching me rudely and leaving me high-n-dry for an important event, but for not recognizing that I had a right to be upset about that. But it sucks, because as much as I am good IN a conflict, I hate being in the MIDST of a conflict that has no foreseeable end, it throws me way out of wack. And the longer we wait to resolve this, the bigger an issue it becomes.

Again, do I let this go and forgive even though she hasnt asked forgiveness and dont recognize that I got screwed by this friend, or do I maintain the emotional energy to stand up for myself? Yuck... It has just been one of those weeks. Im getting screwed everyway except the way I would prefer to be.

My thoughts on abdominal muscles...

So being single, I once again get to make observations about the market and dating here. The dating scene here seems to be more superficial even than I was used to before. Perhaps I am older, and thus less superficial. Perhaps I am older and more sensible. Perhaps I am just older, and now superficiality now works against me. But the bar, the internet, its all about muscle size and cock size. To be honest, perhaps it is liberating at first to see sexual desire so liberated, but then I start to think if it is actually liberating the desire and not bottling it up into little itty-bitty impossible images.

My roommate, who I like a lot thusfar, has this computer screensaver that flashes hot guys with six-pack abs and rippling muscles to be seen in the living room. At first I was attracted to the idea of having such a casual display of hot men. But then I started to get concerned. This is a media thing. While I dont blame the media culture for using the hottest guys and girls they can get their hands on to promote products, I do become concerned with how much of this stuff we take to heart. When we are told that THIS is what beauty is, it is almost impossible to stop from evaluating ourselves and others based on those same standards. Do I have a six-pack? No? Then I am clearly not beautiful. Does he have a six-pack? No? Then he isnt either.

I am quickly becoming acquinted with someone at work who is physically gorgeous but so devoid of any sort of morals or drive or passion that he comes off very sad to me. Everyone kinda drools over this guy, but I cease to even find him attractive regardless of his flawless look and willingness to show it off. I started to think about that...

Why am I not attracted to his abs? After a few moments of contemplation I thought, "Why would I be?" When I see someone with a perfect physique, with very few exceptions (Mitchell being one of them) I see narcissism and self-involvment. Dont get me wrong: I am all for fit and able bodies. I am myself moderately selective of the body types I will bunk up with. But I see a man who spends hours at the gym everyday and I see someone who ISNT involved in the community, ISNT helping others, ISNT taking those hours to make the world a better place. I suppose I see the same thing in people who dont lead an active lifestyle.

While we all need to stay in shape, and we all need to take care of ourselves, it should be for the greater good. We should do those things to empower and energize ourselves to be more capable in our vocations to better the world.

I wish that the world, and the gay world in particular, would see beauty in a much more diverse light. Gay men get hooked on Crystal and start wasting away, and they delight because they get skinnier. Gay men chase the HIV "bug" knowing that the medicines will deplete your fat cells and help you obtain those rock-hard abs. This shit is not healthy! And its not what I am into.

Abs can turn me on for a night, but come morning are useless to me. It is passion and committment and humor and intelligence and self-respect and grace that make up my ideal of beauty. I have taken to turning off my roommates computer screen in an effort to recognize that, at least for me, I refuse to accept such a boxed standard of beauty in my men and in myself.

Step One: Replace Boyfried with Video Game

What a great weekend just to chill out. I had a couple of low moments last week, dealing with the break-up, just around the time of Mom's birthday... It was wierd having come down from a time period where i was largely working a ton at the new bar or working on my memo. I finally got down to the reality of the break up.

To be clear: I don't want him back, I just am not real thrilled about being single right now. So in order to adjust, I bought a half-dozen DVDs and an absolutely captivating video game (X-Men Legends II) and I spent most of the weekend just sitting on my ass, making myself happy. While my new roommate probably thinks I am a lazy sloth, I can deal with that for the moment. I worked a good shift on Saturday, had alcohol serving training today... Didnt think about law school all weekend. Nice.

Not much else to report it seems for the moment. The apartment looks great with the new (ultra organized) additions of the new roommate. We are not best friends, but we get along fine. I have fairly easy week ahead, and look forward to more chilling. Good times.

Oh, and check out this Sarah McLaughlin music video. It is truly inspiring. There is so much to do in this world. I guess we should all get started.

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/mclachlan_sarah/videos.jhtml

So I miss him

Ive promised myself so many times that I wouldnt write this. But then I realize that in avoiding the act of writing I am being false and only giving this more weight than perhaps I should. I miss him. Seriously, to the point where my chest aches... I am the "break-up guy." Break-up, move on and be over it.

I have been extremely successful in the last few weeks of distracting myself with everything around me. The Bar, my first legal writing memo (just finished it a couple hours ago). But there is still so much that reminds me not just that I am alone, but that I miss him in particular. Songs. Thoughts. Phrases.

I just watched episode 11 of the first season of Sex and the City. Carrie has become all full of self doubt because she is so in love with Big and they have stopped having sex. Gone into the normacy of a relationship. So many comments that she made hit at home. I realized that through this whole thing, I was Carrie and (Mitchell) was Big. Comments just scared me about how things could get so out of my control, and I could feel so unappreciated, yet tolerate it in the name of love. At one point she storms out, waiting for him to come after her. And then to call her. She gets nothing. Been there for sure.

The thing that gets me though is that Carrie and Big do end up together in the end, albeit six years later. I know I am worth more than I was getting. I know exactly what I bring to the table. But there are moments that it is difficult to get past how solitary I feel in my own skin at the moment.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about death. Something like how to truly appreciate life, one must appreciate death, and vice versa. I feel a bit like that right now. I guess I didnt appreciate how much I was in love until I had to walk away and let that love go. And it hurts. But I guess that is how I know it was real.

Perhaps the fact that I was able to love should offer me hope that I can love again. Right now I just want the (Mitchell) back that I fell in love with.

moment of panic and the UCC

I have been having a really good couple of days. I received the glorious blessing on Sunday of an extensioin on my legal writing memo till Friday, which made work more relax and my life a lot less harried.

Work at the bar has become much more leisurely, as I have grown to get to know the staff and the way things run. When you get down to it, a bar is a bar, a martini is a martini. The computer system was the worst learning curve, and I quickly have become acostumbed to that. Oh... And the money is terrific.

I seemed to misplace my cell phone yesterday, but I refused to get out-of-whack about it... I had a very limited area of space I could have lost it in, so i figured it would turn up. I got an email this morning though from a law-school administrator telling me to call my father. I pretty much freaked out. I ran out of the class room, figuring that my Grandfather had died, and Dad was trying to get ahold of me to let me know... Actually, the Uof M campus had found my phone in their parking lot and called the "Dad" entry. Pheewww. That had me worried.

The reason that I was at the U in the first place was that I went to a Same-Sex Marriage debate at their law school. It was quite interesting really, and I ended up making a "contractual model" argument for marriage in the face of the two models offered up. The Defense Alliance guy (anti-SSM) said that the courts have never granted the right to "marry whomever you want," (the companionship model of marriage) but rather that the State Interest in marriage lies in the foundation of stable familes for the burden of child-rearing. Since SSM fundamentally doesnt have the burden of child-rearing, there is no state interest in it.

Interesting argument, really... Except it forgets that Marriage is largely a contract. In the "Contract Model" I proposed, the state has an extremely large interest in stabilizing and establishing the union of two people who own property and accounts, may have children, and have entered into life-long partnerships. The State-Interest in this sort of policy is extremely strong... Think about the costs of divorce and child support... How much harder are these issues to establish justice if one party decides to leave after 40 years of shared venture.

Anyway, the Defense Alliance guy then referenced a book called, "From Sacrament to Contract." Interesting, I thought... Since the US government is NOT in the business of establishing and recognizing sacraments, but IS in the business of doing so with contracts. Then the D.A. guy said, "I wouldn't want the UCC (uniform commercial code) getting involved between me and my wife." My friend Meg leaned over and pointed out that in our Contracts class (1st year class) we had learned that the UCC only applies to the sale of goods. I pointed that out loudly, to much laughter. The D.A. guy responded, "You dont know my wife..."

Wow, that says a lot about how he views HIS marriage.

Go ahead, keep defending Britney's Vegas wedding. Im coming to get you... Two more years of legal education and I am REALLY going to kick your ass.

Getting down to it

A rainy sunday. I have been working my ass off the last two nights, starting to realize that 12 hour shifts on your feet can be a bit draining. Today I have to get my legal writing memo done, and I am now at the point that I jsut need to get it started (I just realized that I gained an hour with daylight savings time... NICE!)

Friday night I worked with Blake, who always seemed very distant and territorial, and Max, who I was warned would hate me because I am didnt work my way up into the position. Turns out that I got along fantastically with both of them. I think they just needed to see that I am decent at my job and a nice person, because both of them are two. I think they feared that I was a pretty-boy hire who wouldnt be able to pull his weight and had nothing to offer other than my looks (there are a couple of examples of this at the bar). Anyway, I got my ass handed to me while I was alone on the floor during happy hour, and Blake came on and reassured me that it wasnt my fault. I truly had felt like quiting. Well, things looked better and better as the night progressed, and I ended up walking out of there with close to $300. Sweet!

Last night I ended up putting on full skeleton makeup, a very interesting ordeal, but it looked awesome and I got many kudos, including from my boss who was pleased that I went all-out. The bar had a special promotion which blew because there was confusion about what people were supposed to be getting and nobody tipped on the free drinks that they did get. I ended up getting cut early, which was fantastic, and after hanging out on the other side of the bar and realizing that I have no gay friends to hang out with, I went with my new manager to the Saloon, where I just kinda chilled till I went home.

At this point, I feel a tad lonely, having not seen my friends in a few days, and knowing that I still have yet to find a group of gays. I see these groups at my bar and it makes me want to just go, "Can I be your friend?" in a sad, pathetic manner. I think back on all the friend groups I have been a part of in Michigan and Milwaukee, and I realize that it is only a matter of time, but I miss them all.

Two notes:
1) I had gotten up the courage to ask one of the administrators at my university out for dinner. Yep. Catholic University, administrator. Probably not the smartest idea, especially since I wasnt 100% sure he is gay. He seemed shocked and said, "I would have to say no."

I saw him out last night. At least I know my gaydar is working.

2) To the "pretty" girls who think that they deserve more than everyone else, I will tell you just what I told the bitchy ones on Friday who were a tad demanding: "The boobs odnt do anything for me, and I pour the same for everyone. Get over it." And if you think promising to tip me big makes you better than everyone else, you should probably realize how cheap you just made the entire transaction and how much LESS likely you are to get what you want thinking that I am a prostitute.

There are hangovers I know I deserve... I want to appeal this one to a higher court

Good God. I wasnt this drunk last night, was I? Of wait. I was.

I managed to drunkenly clean most of the face makeup off of me (its still in the shower) but neglected my neck and ears, so I was an odd site this morning. The makeup actually worked out pretty well. I would be a big fan of this costume if it wasnt so tight in the butt. But then, that might be perfect for work... Hmmm...

I cant even believe I am up for class. I guess that partially I just need to go to get my phone/bag/coat from Jake cause I left all that stuff at his house. Seriously, I dont even remember who gave me a ride home... I remember going to the St Thomas parking structure, and coming home and chatting online... I didnt even drink that much. A couple strong Captains at Jake's place, then two beers and a shot with Matt. Maybe the shot did me in. I was supposed to go to a breakfast thing this morning, but forgot all about it, and even if I hadnt, with the prospect of work tonight, sleep was very much a priority.

Fun night though... Reclaimed the "Girlfriend" song, so now my memory wont be of (Mitchell) it will be of me dancing with Strawberry Shortcake, a fairy, and a very tall hairy nurse. That makes me happy.

Oh yeah baby, just like that!

urbanchristian00: why do we have to get the hours in in the first place?
SM: part of that mentor externship thing
SM: makes us good people :-)
urbanchristian00: eat me
SM: I deserved that
urbanchristian00: lol... that's right woman, get back in the kitchen
SM: yes massa
urbanchristian00: HAHAHA
SM: can i get you a nightcap and your smoking jacket?
urbanchristian00: not if it means leaving the kitchen
SM: then we can do it in the missionary position while I conceieve your glorious children
SM: ha ha ha
urbanchristian00: jesus... that's so wrong
urbanchristian00: wait... are you that crazy lesbian looking for a sperm donor?
SM: no!!! I dont need anything else right now that requires my time and attention
urbanchristian00: my plants are dying... seriously
SM: i only have one left
SM: my baby would be neglected.
SM: but if it makes you feel better, we can keep you in mind for sperm later :-)
SM: just kidding- i dont wanna know the guy
urbanchristian00: lol... thanks.
urbanchristian00: yeah, I will have to hook you up with one of my tricks... he doesnt even have to know about it... i'll just grab the condom off the floor for you
SM: now THAT was wrong
urbanchristian00: hehe... best of both worlds
SM: well done grasshopper
urbanchristian00: i could judge his intellect, attractivness, and... stature for you
SM: would it be akward to ask for his family medical history during foreplay?
urbanchristian00: i can get creative... "Oh yeah, just like that... hey, did your grandfather have diabetes? Oh, dont stop..."

This is SOOO not good. But in a good way.

Well, the midterm grades were just released. Be proud, because I scored far higher than I thought I would, among the top of the class. Sounds good right?

Not really. I KNOW how my mind works. From here on out, for the rest of the semester, I am going to be thinking, "Well, I did okay on the midterm, this isnt that hard..." Having done well with little effort in the beginning will make it SO much harder to legitimize good study skills later in the semester. Bad brain. Bad!

I had a wonderful morning today in prayer and reflection. Felt good to take a little bit to nurture that relationship. I have a ton to do right now, but that makes it almost more important for me to reconnect spiritually.

Okay, back to class. (even now I am not paying attention... he's talking about the exam. I aced it, so I dont need to pay attention, right?)

Blah...

Sooooo much I should be doing right now. Eh. Whatever.

This week is deadly busy, with my finalized memo due Nov. 1... That is about 9 days away, which seems workable, but I am scheduled at the bar for five nights between now and then. Add random meetings this week and such and it is a busy week. The random stuff like cleaning and laundry are catching up to me too, but I guess I am in denial about going back to class tomorrow. I'll make it through this, I always like a challenge.

"How come the world wont stop spinning now that you're gone? I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong." Just spent a half an hour reading through my entries from June-Sept.... Just examining my feelings through the whole (Mitchell) thing. Last night the DJ played the "Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song... That combined with Kelly Clarkston can take me down a notch... But not substanstially. I guess that I am bouncing pretty well overall.

God, I had a good time last night!

First day at the office...

Just got back from my first night at the bar. It was a blast. Seriously hard work, but a blast. It was like my work at THREE, shaking martinis constantly and running out of glassware and bottles of alcohol, except surrounded on all sides by cute men begging your attention. The coworkers are going to take a little while to warm to me, but I like them overall... It was so much fun to be surrounded again. Having my smile suffice for a flirt... Knowing that I could have gone home with any number of guys if a I wanted to. One guy specificically said, "any guy that gave you up is a fool," without knowing how pertinent that was to my situation. Felt great. Long ass shifts though.

My boss is cool. He seems very confident in me, and it turns out that he put his ass on the line by hiring me, because he was supposed to refer me to the owners first. I guess I dont understand why he didnt in the first place, and I cant feel guilty that he made that move, but I do feel a certain level of pride that he was that sure of me.

The place got packed. I dont know how much money I am going to make, but it is going to be a good place to work, for sure. The music rocked, and I felt like I connected with at least a couple of the other employees. Ended up playing bouncer at the end of the night keeping these drunken straight boys out. We ended up calling the cops, but only after I physically prevented them from entering and played the "tough guy." I totally wrote it off as the Milwaukee experience, when it really wasnt something I had to practice in Milwaukee... Just had to be prepared to do so. Anyway.

Time for bed. I am happy with the new job, and it will definitely keep me focused this next week. Holy shit, I have SOOO much to do!

Back to life, back to reality

I just sent out my insurance form for the DVDs that my old roommate stole. I feel like that closes that chapter. The photos of (Mitchell) are down, leaving several empty frames, and his phone number has been pushed back from its primary space on my phone to take its spot in the alphabetical listings of my friends. It is this little stuff that will help me to keep moving through this.

Yesterday I awoke alone after another bland night with (Mitchell). I had thought about spending Thursday night there too, but it just didn't seem to make sense... I have learned what he is capable and incapable of, and as much as i had this fantasy that he would do something so romantic that night that he would win me back, it was just me lying to myself... It never would have happened. So I wrote him a note, left it on the bed, collected my things, and drove home. That was that. It's over.

I got home after making the drive from Milwaukee to Minneapolis in a record 4 hours. Still didnt get pulled over. Talk about good karma or something. I worked out for a bit, then went and drank FAR too much with Brianna, Maggie and Ted. Fun group. Fun night. Ended up back at Ted's house, somehow got convinced to play hide-and-seek (I won)...

Granted, the night had its moments of loneliness and internal sadness, but Brianna is always good about making sure I dont stay there for very long. All in all, I am happy to be back... so far. These next couple of weeks are going to be deadly hard, but that'll be a good distraction for me. I go to work at BOOM tomorrow for the first time, and I have "first day jitters" but am very excited about it overall.

I will have to post the whole break-up thing later, along with other trip details... Right now I am just trying to recapture my normal life.

back in Milwaukee

Just spent the day doing service with Justine and her coworkers from CreditSuisse. It was actually kind of nice, a good way to take my mind off of anything important. Started by tarring the roof of the rectory, then covering old windows… Just generally fix-it stuff. Now I am in Milwaukee, and trying to make sure I can salvage a friendship between (Mitchell) and I. Do I wish that by some miracle we could renew the relationship? Yes, absolutely. But I just got here to find that he had gone to go hear Dan Savage speak without so much as telling me. That’s kind of a big “fuck you,” you know? I am going to just chill, I really have learned not to be disappointed by him. Just one more example why this cant work. Gives me a chance just to chill for the moment though. That feels nice.

(ten minutes later)

(Charley) just got back… (Mitchell) is now going to coffee with a couple of people… How perturbed should I be? Jesus… How could I ever have thought this would work?

I can't make you love me.

I need to write this now. In a couple of weeks I am going to start really really missing (Mitchell), and then I am going to remember all of the things that made me love him in the first place. I am not going to remember how miserable I have been these last few weeks because of his increasingly chilly and distant behavior. I may not remember what a horrid boyfriend he really was: never did anything special for me, never complimented me, never really showed any signs of his love for me. I will forget that this last Friday night he didn’t even come over and say Hi to me when I stopped to see him at work. I wont remember how he didn’t even want to touch me while we ate cheesecake in the park. I wont remember how uninterested he was in even being with me. I wont remember that we sat on his bed, watched a movie, and didn’t once touch each other. I may even forget how insecure I have become in my own attractiveness, feeling undesirable because my own boyfriend didn’t desire me.

It turns out that we were holding on too tightly to the memory of what we had. Perhaps it was just a great summer of love. I truly, truly, needed this relationship: all of my friends had left me, I was alone in the city, and I had nothing else going for me that summer. I am SO very grateful for the time we had. Perhaps we were foolish to make this more than that.

I finally approached him after the movie on Friday night. “What can we do to get back to that place again?” The place where we were so passionate with each other, where we talked each other to sleep, where the simple touch of him was enough for me. Somewhere in the last month, that place had been lost, and I don’t know how to get back to it. I have been trying my damnedest, with only increased resistance on (Mitchell's) part.

(Mitchell) claimed to be having trouble with the distance thing. Fair enough. At the same time, he is disconnecting with his friends back home right now too. He is going through a rough transition period right now, and in all likelihood is depressed. We said that we want to hold onto the memory of how good the relationship was, and hold onto the hope that perhaps someday will be the right time and place to try it again. We were good together, hopefully one day we can be again. But we cant continue to let the relationship spoil right now.

What does this mean for me? It means that I have to let go of someone I love so much it hurts because he cant love me back right now. That sucks! I look at my perspective, and there is nothing that I can change (other than moving back to Mke, which is unreasonable considering…), no greater amount of energy that I can put in to make this work. The failure is, indeed, on (Mitchell’s) end. I don’t want to make it sound like I am placing blame, but I also don’t want to walk away from this feeling like I could have done more, because I couldn’t have. All of my friends have seen the way that this affects me, and many are astounded that I have let him bring me down this much. I love him. I want nothing more than to renew the relationship we had even one month ago and have a life together with him. But I have to let (Mitchell) do his part. I have to let him restore his life, figure out what he needs, and someday come back to me.

I am so intensely happy with my life in Minneapolis right now, with incredible friends, a great school, a fantastic apartment and a city just waiting for me… There is no reason that I should let this one aspect of my life bring me down so hard.

So…. That’s that. I will continue my life. I will take down the photos of him all over my apartment, and I will start bartending again, dating again, and perhaps I will find someone who is closer to the 99% of what I want. And yet I still love him for his sense of humor, his honesty, his thirst to see and do things, his kindness to his friends… There is no one in the world that my heart has gone thumpty-thump so erratically for.

I hope that perhaps (Mitchell) will come back to me some day. Maybe he will have gone to counseling and an objective party will have told him what a moron he has been to let me leave. Maybe he will have an epiphany and see that as he has been getting older, his relationships have been getting exponentially shorter, and that he may indeed need to become a better boyfriend before he ends up lonely. I don’t want him to be alone. I wish for him every happiness. I just wish I was there to be a part of it.

As we have it planned, I will still see him for a couple of days this weekend, and I will still come back for his birthday around Christmas. We are still close. I still love him, and he says that he still loves me. I guess this is the point where I let go and let God. It still sucks though.

This love shit is not as fun as it looks.

Better and Better...

I was giving this tour one day around Marquette, something that had become so old-hat for me by that point that it was said that I could "Enroll an atheist in the seminary" when a public safety officer stopped the tour. As we passed he asked, "How you all doing?" I responded with, "Just fine," continuing along with my well-timed tour. He stopped us and said, you really should say "Better and Better," because that's all we get in this life, and that sort of optimism is what makes people achieve more. He prattled on for a bit, and quite frankly I was glad to escape from him when I finally got the tour to move on.

Recently though, I have taken to this "Better and Better" answer. There is really so much to it. Although some days I feel like I am saying it almost sarcastically, most of the time it is a wonderful reminder of the world of opportunity that lies ahead. Today is gray and rainy, and I had a long day of classes, so I can surely say that things will get "better and better." Yesterday I had a job interview and got a call from someone very unexpected, so things were indeed getting better and better.

It felt so good to go out with my friend Meg on Sunday night. I had, until then, only gone out with the gay crowd (with my roommate who I then had to remove) once in this city. Law school is wonderful, but it is so very very sterile and clean, and free from any sort of gay life. And whether I want to admit it or not, being gay has become part of my culture. I have started to sorely miss being around people who are part of that culture. Anyway, ShowTune Sunday at Boom was wonderful because I got to be around a bit of it. Also, Meg's friends are all very spiritual (Meg's partner and two of the others that were there are preachers) so it was indeed even more amazing for me to be able to "get my gay on" without the conversation inevitablly turning to sex. A solid group of good people.

Anyway, while I was there, I put in what I call a "dead application." This is when you give the app to someone who just nods, smiles, and sticks it in a drawer. At bars, especially for competitive bartending spots, if you dont speak with the manager or owner, you dont have a chance. But I had brought my old bosses' very kind letter of rec, and the group letter of rec that I had, and just took my chances. Along the same lines, the group of guys were goading me to be a bit more brave than I would normally be, and I took an unusual chance, which tendered no apparent results.

Well, Monday I got a call from the bar manager. This is truly astounding. Tuesday he interviewed me, and hired me on for Saturday nights. Amazing! He is totally willing to work with my schedule, and this place is very classy. I have to were a uniform (dont worry, it is more than a purple thong)! So, now I have a new home bar, a place where I can "get my gay on", earn a little money, and distract me reasonably from law school. It's perfect!

Also yesterday, I got a phone call regarding my other venture, which was also quite unexpected! Better and Better!

So, I had a lot of blessings, have relaxed with friends who are both faithful and fun, and truly had a good week of things. We all had our Lawyering Skills midterm on Tuesday morning, which I felt I had prepared to the best of my ability for. The only thing that worries me is the curve: there are some smart ass kids in my section! But no matter what, I did my best, as cheesy as that sounds.

I have one more midterm left on friday, after which I drive to Milwaukee for the night, spend some time with (Mitchell) and then drive to TC for Sat-Monday. Tuesday I drive to Chicago, spend the night with Will, J, D, and hopefully Carey, and then go back to Milwaukee Wednesday to spend the rest of break with (Mitchell). This was a hard schedule to figure out, becuase there are so many people I want to see and because (Mitchell) initially planned on coming but then had to deal with work things. At first that got to me, but I soon realized that this job change he is doing is important to him, thus it is important to me, and there is nothing that either of us can do about this scheduling hardship during my break. No point in getting salty about it.

The break will also be good to reestablish the relationship between him and I. It could just be that he is distracted, or it could mean that his feelings have changed but the phone calls have been dwindling, he doesnt seem much interested in talking to me, and I remember that "pre-hickies" he sent me periodic text messages saying he missed me. I dont think he has said that or the L-word in a while, which just makes things feel much more chilly. Hopefully, this next week will either a) determine one way or another if he is still interested in me and b) rekindle the relationship if he is.

My panic mode is a bit less right now than it was before. After our last weekend together, I was essentially told (by him) to operate as if I was single out here. In doing so I have rediscovered a bit of self-worth that I have lost along the way. I am at the point myself where I would LOVE if my relationship with (Mitchell) could continue, could strengthen, but I no longer hold the blind hope for it that I did before. Perhaps this is what the substance of a REAL relationship is about: functionalism of realizing how important a friend the other is. I have never allowed a relationship to get past the dying of the honeymoon stage before. Perhaps this all is normal. Nonetheless, this next week should be very determinitive for us, for good or for bad, and I look forward to the resolve one way or another.

Better and Better.

Better now

Yep... That was a bad hang-over mood. In truth, I think things are okay. Looks like I have a new roommate, Im going out with friends tonight shirking both my TV watching and homework responsibilites. This week is managable, then I get a week off. Laundry is folded, bills are done, and I feel better. (fluids help)

Ugly, fat day

Im starting to get a bit concerned by my own behavior. I know the symptoms. I am so low-energy that I am not even keeping myself up well. It is like now that all this drama has settled, I am still here surrounded by remnants. And I feel fat, ugly and unable to bring myself to get even the stupidest little things done. There is a pile of shit stacking up next to my desk... I havent even had the energy to shave the last 5 days or so. Am SO behind on my readings...

Part of me is ranting: "This isnt hard stuff... Just get off your ass and shave, pick up your room, fold your laundry, open the books..." But there is just something that makes even the simplest things seem difficult at the moment.

For all my friends that ae probably freaking out reading this, dont panic... I have these moments (and would assume that they are normal). Its just something that you never SEE. I dont know what possessed me to write about it today, (I am thinking about deleting this entire entry) but here it is: every bone in my body wants me to just crawl back into bed and stay there. Not from tiredness, just from... whatever it is in my soul that jsut feels weak at the moment.

Okay. Enough. This is bullshit. Pull it together. Be the person people love.

Flash floods and supreme court nominees

Seriously, does she have to put her eye-liner on with a sharpee?

Life is back to normal. Midterms are this week, and that is throwing off my rythm some, but not too badly. My Civil Procedure exam was on Monday. That stuff is SOOO boring it makes you want to cry. I have Contracts (not quite as boring, but getting there) on Thursday. All our tests are open book, so it is essentially the synthesis of the material and the analysis that you have to know. That and typing uber-fast.

I went shopping over the weekend for food, so once again I am cooking, which is such a good outlet for me. I also met with my mentor today, and she is going to try to hook me up with a legal-services internship of sorts at their AIDS center here. Hopefully that one will work out.

Things seem to have evened out with (Mitchell) and I, although I feel like there is a certain coldness, a space, that I havent felt before. The "honeymoon" is certainly over. Quite honestly, this is probably the first point where i have gotten to that in a relationship. He is picking up a new job though, so he is pretty distracted with his own stuff. I just hope he remembers how good we are together.

I got a call from a college bud of mine, Ryan McCollough. We had been drinking buddies, but had never really hung out seperately. We had been through a lot together, but never were... close. Anyway, he called me out of the blue today to catch up. I felt so touched. Seriously, it meant a ton to me that he looked at me as someone he just wanted to keep in touch with. Just made me feel all warm inside.

Seriously... the eyeliner has to go.

Just a second... Im praying for God to kill me...

That was just a ownderful quote from Desperate Housewives.

And yes... Tomorrow is my first midterm, and I am watching my shows. YEAH!!!

Okay. That's all.

Peace at last

Well, I made it through the week.

I had a few friends over yesterday for "lunch" while the roommate moved out. It went quite smoothly realy, even though you could feel the resentment in the air. It sucks to have shit come crashing down around you, and it sucks even worse to know that it is your fault. I am sure it could not have been a pleasant moment for him. But he even cleaned a bit. I really hope that this kid can get his shit together.

There was a certain point where I was asking my father if I was being too hard on him, and he said that not only did I need to protect myself, but doing anything other than this would simply be enabling the roommate for future mis-behavior.

I called (Mitchell) last night and got his voicemail. Right or wrong, the first thing that went through my head was, "He's probably doing what he was last Friday night... screwing around with someone else." Hmmmm... This is going to take a bit more time on my part. I dont think that it helps that our phone conversations feel colder than usual... But I think this last weekend hurt us both and it is just going to take a bit to work through it. I think this trip home in a few weeks will be very telling.

In any case, my apartment is clean, my life is back to a semblance of normality, I have had some interest in the apartment already, and now I just get to focus on midterms. Wish me luck!

"They might even find our government's credibility... Even in the 'city' of Louisiana

Wow... This guy is almost as sexy as Anderson Cooper going after that lady Senator. Check it out:

http://media.putfile.com/OlbermannSwings

Ummm... What a week

Yes Brett, an update has indeed been in store. Especially given the new circumstances.

Something that I failed to document during the relationship strife I dealt with last weekend was the fact that I got home Tuesday night and discovered that about $200 worth of my boxed DVDs were missing. (actually, some were Mitchell's, but nonetheless). I confronted my roommate, and he claimed no knowledge of how they had disappeared. The best he could come up with was, "Maybe I left my door unlocked." Whatever. I made it very clear that as he was the only person home over the weekend, he was responsible for recovering the loss.

The next day, I came home to find that and additional $200 worth of DVDs were missing since the day before. What???

After I talked with my landlord about my options, I was on the elevator back up, and hit the 17 button for my floor. A fairly dingy looking man asked me if I was the lawyer in 1709. I hesitantly confirmed, since i am not really a lawyer (yet). Anyway, this guy knew all sorts of stuff about my apartment and told me that he had been over during the weekend. Hmmmm.... He told me he would stop by later because he had something to tell me. Odd, but whatever.

About an hour later, I am trying to get in a nap before buckling down for mid-term studies, when this guy "Danny" knocks on the door. He claims that my roommate pawned my DVDs off for drugs on Saturday and that he knows the guy that can get them for me, if I have $40 I can bring along. So I scoop up my cash, and follow this guy downstairs. He is telling me that he lives with his brothers here in 1409, and that he just felt bad that my stuff got taken. Gee, what a nice guy.

So I follow "Danny" outside, and he asks for my phone to call the guy who has my stuff. He starts trying to edge me down the sidewalk further and further away from the building, and I start feeling totally sketch about the situation. At that point I saw another guy from my floor, flagged him over, and asked him to accompany us. He befuddledly assented. At this point "Danny" starts wigging out that I dont trust him and that I should just call the cops. I get my phone back, go inside and do just that.

While waiting for the hour or so for the cops to show up, the guys from 1409 come down, tell me that "Danny" doesnt live with them, but that he had convinced one of them to take him to the CD Warehouse on Lake St. and sell the DVDs in his name. Hmmm.... So essentially this confirms that Danny was luring me away from the building and trying to shrift $40 from me. Shady for sure.

Meanwhile, I pay for maitenance to make an emergency lock change to my apartment, and call my roommate at his work and tell him he is no longer welcome there. Whether he sold my DVDs for drugs (2x) or he just let this Danny guy into the apartment and failed to notice as he walked off with ARMLOADS of DVDs (2x) (along with a UWM sweatshirt that belonged to the roommate) I really dont care. I somehow got involved in this drug scheme, and I am not up for that. In fact I am very much out. I had warned the roommate against this sort of behavior, and here I am $400 worth of stuff stolen, and not feeling real empathetic for my roommate. EVERYONE had warned me against living with him, and I had given him a fair shot. But thats all he gets.

Anyway, the cop shows up, and doesnt care much about the details of what has just happened. For him, he saw this as "property removed while under care of roommate," not giving any thought to the coke addict that had just tried to screw me or the fact that my goods were now sitting at the CD Warehouse (more on this later). He advised me NOT to throw the roommates stuff on the street, and not to expect any further help from the police in this matter, as it was small potatoes to them. Great.

At this point I was surrounded by about 6 good friends from the law school. I love these people. They are totally willing to be there for me in a way that I had to work very hard to achieve in undergrad. Even then, I really only felt like i could consistently call on only a few people, and you know who you are.

Since this all went down, I have been trying to restore order. The roommate just picked up the rest of his stuff, seemed nice enough, though understandably cold. I hope things work out well for him, and I hope that we can still be friends when all is said and done.

I went with a friend to the CD Warehouse yesterday, found the box sets on the shelves, brought them forward with the police report, and had them look up the intake records. Turns out that they had received ALL of the DVDs that I was missing in the last four days. One of the intakes was indeed from the guy in 1409. Hmmm... Seems like a pretty solid string of evidence, huh? Well, they won't turn over my DVDs until the cops come and get them, and the cops won't come and get them because they dont care. Hmmm... That sucks. Fortunately I am insured, so it is simply a matter of getting (Mitchell) and a few friends to verify that I had these specific DVDs in my possession.

Oh, and CD Warehouse? That's shady right there. Whatever. I am over this stuff. This week has been incredibly DRAMA, and I am looking forward to life stabalizing a bit. I am looking forward to the apartment stabalizing, my relationship stabalizing, and just getting to the work at hand. This was kinda a kick in the pants to motivate my prayer life, which it has done, but I am ready for some calm. Thank God for a loving and patient boyfriend to listen to me rant through this stuff. Thank God for friends both new and old who talked with me and stayed with me and let me eat their chinese food when I was scared to go back to my own apartment. Thank God for family who will always understand and will always side with me on all my problems.

Well, that's my update. The next two weeks starting Monday are solid midterms, but life is more normal now, so I guess we can just pressume that my life has returned to its normal boring stasis (seriously no complaints at this point).

Some sage advice:

A note from a friend about this situation:


For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...

I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.

I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.

I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.



This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.

The Ten Percent Rule

I am tired, and sad, and tired of being sad. This weekend was definitely rough. It actually felt really good to get back to Minneapolis, a feeling that I am used to being reversed.

Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.

I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.

There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.

1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.

2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.

3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.

The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.

So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.

I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.