Sunday, February 27, 2005

Sunday, babay, Sunday

I wish that I had just a few hours to be isolated and forced to sit down and write to my friends afar. I think of everyone I have been meaning to write in the last months: roommates, surrogate family, friends, lovers... and I hope they understand that I am just not good at doing that stuff. Falling behind on these past friends also makes me nervous for the hundreds of friends that I have here. Will I lose contact with them all too?

This week has a pretty solid work load, and I rather wish that I had been able to have a weekend. I will have worked three shifts by the end of the day, which is great for the pocketbook, but not so much for the study habits. Tomorrow: Theo mid-term (essays. yuck) Tuesday: TV critique on Fox's new "Stars without their Makeup." Horrid show really. Spanish exam on Wednesday. And I have to be working on both my Theology and PR projects before I leave for Minneapolis on Friday. Plus campaign work for Alex Hermanny and publicity stuff for the benefit dance. Geez. For the few weeks before Spring Break, I am going to be as busy as any other semester. Time to bring out the daybook again. LOL. This Thurday I was looking all over the place for it, and then realized that it was in my work bag, which meant that I hadnt used it since Monday. Three whole days. I couldnt have gone three whole hours last semester without that book!

I have kinda been postponing calling Rosey about subletting in Renee Row for the summer. I just had this feeling that something would fall in my lap. I told myself I would let the weekend go, and if nothing became apparent I would give her a call. I am just so... not excited about moving out of my place... I guess that I need to just deal... It will be wierd though. I have lived here for three years now. I mean, when I was in Spain, I missed my apartment more than I missed my Dad's place in Michigan.

Well it is time to eat something and get to the studying. I work in about 4 hours, so I best take advantage of my time...

Friday, February 25, 2005

It's Friday... So what now?

I stayed up last night till 3am watching another three episodes of the O.C. with (Webster). This is great fun. I do, however, feel like I am falling behind on my West Wing episodes. Naughty, naughty, naughty. These are the things that you have to worry about second semester Senior year.

Before the O.C-a-thon, I went to Caffrey's to catch the MU-Cinnci game. Diener broke his hand a couple of days ago, so he is out for the season, as is Chris Grimm (although that is less of a tragedy). Anyway, our team was pretty brutalized. Oh well. Not the senior season that I was hoping for, but if that is my biggest dissapointment, I am blessed. During 1/2 time, I went to George Webbs and got 2 double cheeseburgers and fries for $3.80. Good God! Anyway, I hung out with Jon McPheters and a friend of his until about 11:30. I am not sure, but it may have been a "hook-up"... There were a couple things said that just seemed to indicate that this guy was interested. Or perhaps I had just had one too many. When I am at Caff's I just am not in "boy" mode: I dont even pay attention, which I kinda enjoy that I can just be me without worrying who is looking.

I wouldnt put that sort of thing past Jon though. He is possibly one of my favorite people ever. And the funny thing is that he has NO idea how desireable he is. At one point we got to tlaking about relationships, and he mentioned that he has only been in two short relationships while at Marquette. I responded with something like, "You could be in a relationship if you wanted to be." He just kinda laughed me off, not believing me. WHAT!!! This guy is gorgeous, kind, smart as hell, spiritual... At one point last semester I told (Julie) that all I wanted for Christmas was for her to have lots of babies with him. He said that he just never can tell if a girl is into him, and that the 2 relationships he has been in, both times the girls initiated the... touching. Geez. I need to hook this guy up.

Other than that, yesterday I did abs, taught our ethics class about the ethics of Porn, and argued everyone's mid-term grade up 6 points in our PR class. That was kinda the highlight of my academic day: in a class of 45 I took the professor on one-on-one on about 4 questions, until she kindly gave in on several points. Moved my grade up from an 80 to an 86. Big jump. Cool.

As for this weekend, I work much of it, which is cool. I look forward a bit to the money. I have to go grocery shopping to at some point. Then my Theo mid-term on Monday (tons of essays, yuck) another Spanish test on Wednesday and my trip to Minneapolis on Friday. It should prove to be a quick week. I just need to make sure I use this weekend wisely. Sure... we'll see if that happens

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

on more thing...

oh yeah... I forgot to mention... when I talked to (George) last night he made a comment like "Looks like you've been working out." Could there be a better victory for me? Yeah me!

time to sleep yet?

SOOOooo, (George) called last night while I was at work. Just left a message and said that it was time to have a conversation that was overdue. I wasnt sure what that meant, but we set up a time tonight for me to stop by. After dinner with (Julie) tonight, I went over, and we ended up clearing the air. I was honest and upfront, and he kinda just wanted to go back to our mentoring relationship. I told him that while I was interested in being "friendly," my friends are people who wont betray me (2x) and arent looking for one-sided relationships. (I almost mentioned that my father and sister would disown me if I gave George another go, but figured it would be prudent not to) He had been very flattering about the positive impact I had made on his MU experience, but I made it clear that, like everything else this semester, I am dropping that committment as well. Actually, he took it quite well. He seemed to understand my point, and didnt seem too hurt. I am very proud of the whole communication.

Now we are watching late night cartoons, after about 4 hours of the OC on dvd, my birthday present to (Webster). There are a ton of similarities to my experience in Venezuela, when a family took me off the street (more or less) for a temporary stay, and then put me up permanently. Anyway, things are back to normal with (Webster), back to normal with (Julie), and at least past animosity with (George). That feels pretty good. Time for bed. Last night was an all-nighter at Michael's after I got done with work, so I am pretty damn well tired.

Monday, February 21, 2005

"If God is good, he be not God. If God is God, he be not good." J.B.

Dont worry, I am not going all atheist on you or anything. That quote is from J.B., a play I am reviewing for my critical writing class, based on the Book of Job. That is actually what I should be doing RIGHT now. The next 36 hours are probably going to be among the worst of my semester work-wise. I work 9-close tonight at the bar, and then have to wake up to take a 9:30 midterm in my stupid PR class, then hand in a critical analysis of this play, then hand in a 3page topic paper on environmental ethics, then lead a class discussion on the ethics behind pornoraphy. Yuck... I got through a lot of stuff yesterday but my computer is getting all yucky and I can't seem to get it to be nice. Actually, I just had a good idea... Perhaps a friend from the bar could spend some time with it.... Hmmm.... Anyway, I dont have time to think about it for now, it is minimally functional, and that is what I am going to have to go with for now.

The retreat this last weekend was amazing. It was SO relaxed, and pretty darn luxurious as retreats go. The food was fantastic, highlighted by Stuffed Cornish Game Hen on Saturday night. There was also a massuese (sp?) available for backrubs, which was perfect since my shoulders were all tight from lifting. But most of all it was just the opportunity to sit back and talk about "senior stuff" with people who had been through it and were going through it. There has been a lot of stuff running around in my brain that I just needed to expose for what it was--needless worrying. "Should I see it as a failure that I havent found a partner yet?" "How do I say goodbye?" "How canI stay in touch with the hundreds of friends I have who arent really good friends but are important to me nonetheless?" Plus the weekend gave me the opportunity to finish my Senior Speaker Application form. I kicked so much ass on it. It will certainly get me into the top ten.

I talked with Dad yesterday when we got back. It was a good talk, but at one point I mentioned something about a trip or something as a Graduation gift. He made it pretty clear that he had no intention of getting me ANYTHING. "We I graduated, I was taken out to dinner and given a pat on the back." Wow... But when you graduated, you were from a family of 7, all of which went to University, you always complained about that lack of attention. You also went to a state school for 5 years.

Actually, this is just me venting. I lack for nothing, and if I wanted to go on a trip or buy something, I totally could. I just get so used to hanging out with my friends from rich Chicago-suberbia, whose parents are going all out. I guess I need to get over that.

Not that I dont have a million other things going through my head, but I need to get back to the real work that is staring me down... 89 days till graduation!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The bluffs

Things have gotten busier. I hardly have time to drink anymore. God. If my father could only hear me now. He worries intensely that I will become an alcoholic like him. And while I have taken to drinking almost every night of the week, it is a social thing, I almost never over imbibe, and it is just a Senior Year thing.

With Valentine's and all, everyone seems to be talking about relationships again. Aack. I am tired of dating. Guys ask me out all the time at work and oftentimes it is not about them, it is just that I dont want to go through the hassle of thinking someone's attractive, then going out, hooking up (maybe), then being dissapointed that they either aren't as intelligent/passionate/driven etc. as I would like them to be or they dont understand what my life is always about. Part of this is that people see me as "the bartender." I am not whining or anything, because this helps me get laid a whole lot more than usual, but people do have this tendency to reduce me to just that job. I am just some cute guy behind the bar. Whatever, I can deal, but it makes me long for someone who REALLY knows me. I come back to what I've wanted for years: a friendship. It is the model of relationships that I really think is most likely to work out, it is the model that my father and mother taught me: be friends first let love come at its own pace. I thought I had that with (George) but he really had hi own issues to take care of. That was one of the reasons that I was SO hopeful for our relationship, is because it was all about friendship. I guess that the moral here is that I need to keep working on my friendships, gay and straight alike, to give this dream a chance. Am I waiting to make friends with some really hot guy in law school who will turn out to be gay? Maybe. But I guess the focus will be on making friends with whomever I can and waiting to see.

(Julie) got rejected by Marquette Law. This surprises me to no end. I wish that I could march into some of these offices and just give them an ear-full about what a wonderful candidate she would be. I know few students who work harder, with more passion. It's just that on paper, she is probably not getting any consideration at all. She wrote great essays, but I doubt they are even getting that far. Another friend rom class was telling me about all the rejections he is getting. He is one of the brightest people I know. Perhaps I aimed low, but I really have never been rejected nor expected to be. I got this teeny-tiny envelope from Villanova the other day, and got all excited: Maybe I could finally tell (Julie) that I had been rejected somewhere, so I knew how she felt! (It's twisted, I know, but I already know where I am going.) Anyway, I was dissapointed to find that it was an Open House invite for ADMITTED applicants. I didnt know I had been admitted, so I called and they told me that my letter was just being sent out... Oops.

I had an "I miss my Mommy" moment on Tuesday. I don't know what brought it on, but I think that there are a lot of emotions that I havent been dealing with later, and it is easiest to vent those while focusing on my mother. Dad had sent a broshure/newspaper from the Madeleine Thomas Memorial Ski Tour to show me the art this year, and it had been just sitting on my kitchen table. While talking to (Webster) about girls, I started to leaf through it and found a piece my father had written with my mother's photo on it. It just kind of shocked me. Perhaps it shouldn't have. But from there, I locked myself in the room and ended up Googling every piece I cold find on Mom, just talking about how cool she was. I do miss her. She had become such a good friend to me, as well as one hell of a kick-in-the-pants.

Got to go to a mindless, boring class now. I'll bring a magazine and catch up on my reading.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

getting it done

There is this website that I was supposed to have done for the Bag Boyz by the end of fall semester 2003. I am still working on it. Last night i worked from 9pm till about 2:30 am on some of the more tedious elements, but I got a lot of stuff done. Good God! It is almost as if part of me didnt want to finish the project so that I wouldn't have to graduate and move on with my life.

Other than that, the Absolute Abs course kicked my ass yesterday, but I love it. I am so thrilled that Will is game to go through it with me. And I am eating healthier than ever. On a completely seperate note, I think that I am going to get slightly involved in a campus drama. ( i just can't stay away) The advisor of the Tribune was just fired, and there is a secret letter that Fr. Wild wrote him that is apparently pretty nasty. Nobody will let the students see it. Well, yesterday a faculty friend of mine told me that s/he wanted to see it in print but feared for his/her job if it were to get back to them... I think s/he was offering it to me... Anyway, I am going to check on that today. Yeah covert fun!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Awake again

Had a blast last night. Stayed out for a bit longer than planned (11:30) then went to the library where I got to feel sorry for all those who weren't enjoying life as much as I. The irony is that I feel, given that I have awoken this early, that i am going to end up perfectly prepared for my academic day. I will be ready for a nap once it is all done, but that's fairly normal...

At Caffrey's I saw Lolo, as anticipated, and gave her a box of cigarettes to pay her back for all the ones that I have bummed in the past. She seemed keen on talking about Griff... At least she reconciled with him, so I know that he is not completely alone. At one point Lolo asked me if I was sad about the whole thing. I told her that my "disappointment" was the better word. I saw great potential in my relationship with Griff. It was based on spirituality and friendship, two things I rarely find in the gay community. But in our breakup I feel more saddened for him than for myself. I know the difficulties that he has faced, and I fear that unless he gets some major adjustments in how he views the world (ie. everybody is against him, everybody is going to hurt him) he is going to be very unhappy. Me? I have been through the disappointment before. I probably will be again. I'm just glad that we left the relationship open, so when all is said and done, I didnt lose out on anything for giving this thing a go.

Last night also gave me the opportunity to connect with some old friends. Craig, Jon Mueller, Dave Lindsmith, Karen primarily. I bought a lot of people a lot of beers, and felt happy that I could do people that small favor. Having realized how much I love that moment in time, I feel like it is the least I can do.

Time to do my assignments for the day.