Just had one hell of a cry. It felt terrific. There has been so much going on in my life right now, and I feel more and more solitary. Surrounded by wonderful people, still alone in my own head. Who do I call when I suddenly miss my mother, after close to 6 years, at 11:30 at night? I have been working so hard at keeping it all together, staying sane, looking forward, I think sometimes I forget to let myself sit and have emotions. I just picked up my journals from when Mom died, and let the tears fall. It felt amazing.
Good night! Im so happy I had this weekend!
Sunday, February 26, 2006
feeling sappy
What a great weekend. I did absolutely nothing productive. It was a beautiful thing.
I got through my Con Law midterm on Friday, and I think I survived pretty well. There were two questions, and the Prof gave us kinda a curve ball with the second question, but in tlaking with my classmates, I think I had a better grasp of it than most. Then went out and celebrated the night, making quite a trek that night. Good times...
Most of the rest of the weekend has been dedicated to watching movies and just chilling. I dont know what is up at the moment, but I am in one of those moods where a Kodak commercial can make me cry. Their not bad tears, but more just feeling emotional in a rather neutral way. While I IMed with (Mitchell) for the first time in months yesterday, it was a friendlier conversation than it had been in the past. One of his best friends, in fact the friend who hooked us up, came into my bar on Saturday. I was slammed at that point, so I didnt get to chat, but if nothing else it feels good to start to have some clean-up with this whole thing. I like being friends with my exs... Even if it is entirely impossible.
Speaking of exs, another one called me randomly last night. This is a guy whom I adore, as perhaps the cutest, sweetest guy on the planet. His voice just makes me smile. I wrote about him earlier when he came by around Finals last semester to rehash our breakup. Hopefully that's over with, and I hope that he still thinks of me as fondly as I do him.
Continuing with the sappy streak, I went and saw "8 Below" with a friend. Fortunately it was a friend I could cry shamelessly around, because did I ever. Wow... I dont know if it was Paul Walker being unbelievably easy to look at, or me wanting a dog, but that movie was a major tear-jerker. Wow... I must be having my man-period. Er something.
Anyway, its now 10:15 and there are all sorts of people that I want to call who I was to lazy to call earlier this weekend. I have once again fallen into the habit of being really bad at keeping in touch.
Well, at least Im "in touch" with my emotions.
Wow... Unreal bad joke.
I got through my Con Law midterm on Friday, and I think I survived pretty well. There were two questions, and the Prof gave us kinda a curve ball with the second question, but in tlaking with my classmates, I think I had a better grasp of it than most. Then went out and celebrated the night, making quite a trek that night. Good times...
Most of the rest of the weekend has been dedicated to watching movies and just chilling. I dont know what is up at the moment, but I am in one of those moods where a Kodak commercial can make me cry. Their not bad tears, but more just feeling emotional in a rather neutral way. While I IMed with (Mitchell) for the first time in months yesterday, it was a friendlier conversation than it had been in the past. One of his best friends, in fact the friend who hooked us up, came into my bar on Saturday. I was slammed at that point, so I didnt get to chat, but if nothing else it feels good to start to have some clean-up with this whole thing. I like being friends with my exs... Even if it is entirely impossible.
Speaking of exs, another one called me randomly last night. This is a guy whom I adore, as perhaps the cutest, sweetest guy on the planet. His voice just makes me smile. I wrote about him earlier when he came by around Finals last semester to rehash our breakup. Hopefully that's over with, and I hope that he still thinks of me as fondly as I do him.
Continuing with the sappy streak, I went and saw "8 Below" with a friend. Fortunately it was a friend I could cry shamelessly around, because did I ever. Wow... I dont know if it was Paul Walker being unbelievably easy to look at, or me wanting a dog, but that movie was a major tear-jerker. Wow... I must be having my man-period. Er something.
Anyway, its now 10:15 and there are all sorts of people that I want to call who I was to lazy to call earlier this weekend. I have once again fallen into the habit of being really bad at keeping in touch.
Well, at least Im "in touch" with my emotions.
Wow... Unreal bad joke.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Jump (for my love)! --Pointer Sister style
Today was just one of those mornings when you want to just run around and dance around your apartment in your boxers. I dont know what my deal is today, but I was just in an overly happy mood this morning. I was up till midnight distilling Con Law down for my midterm, so I dont think that was what had me all hyped up. But I had a good night's sleep, the sun was shining over my view of the city, and I just was doing those silly little dances that you can only get away with when you are alone.
Funny enough, the only other person I have done the "silly dance" around is my college roommate, Will, and today happens to be his birthday. Coinicedence? I think not! Happy birthday buddy, go do the silly dance!
I might also be in an unusually good mood because I got a phone call yesterday giving me a summer clerkship I had applied for at the Public Defender's office. It was a really competetive clerkship (they interviewed 50 people for 14 spots), and I will be working at my first real legal job. It should be tremendous experience in legal research and writing, plus pretty good money.
Soooo... I may not be a good teacher, but apparently I am doing okay at this law school thing so far.
Funny enough, the only other person I have done the "silly dance" around is my college roommate, Will, and today happens to be his birthday. Coinicedence? I think not! Happy birthday buddy, go do the silly dance!
I might also be in an unusually good mood because I got a phone call yesterday giving me a summer clerkship I had applied for at the Public Defender's office. It was a really competetive clerkship (they interviewed 50 people for 14 spots), and I will be working at my first real legal job. It should be tremendous experience in legal research and writing, plus pretty good money.
Soooo... I may not be a good teacher, but apparently I am doing okay at this law school thing so far.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
This is why I love my friends
Before I get into why my day sucked (or at least had a really bad moment), I need to impart how great my friends are. In response to my, "I had a bad day, leave me a note," I got the following messages:
1) Sorry your day was bad.
2) Hope your day improves.
3) I love you and hope your day gets better.
4) I love you.
5) I love you like ridiculous amounts. And also, to cheer you up, just think that Marquette's mascot was "gold"... gold diggers, solid gold, oh the fun statements are endless.
Its the little stuff like that that helps me to feel like I can make it through the day. Thanks guys.
In all actuality, my day was great for the most part. I did very well in all my classes, but Streetlaw is where I came up on my problem. I dont think I have written about Streetlaw yet, but the long story short is that I teach a 10th grade class about legal issues. I was paired with an older student (in his forties) from the UofM here, who spent the first few weeks shoving his ultra-conservative viewpoints down my throat. Anyway, after trying to diplomatically remedy that situation, and feeling like we finally had a good week with the rather rambunctious group of students we teach, my partner bailed on me about half hour before the class.
Well, thanks again to the support of my wonderful friends, I was able to throw together a last minute lesson plan, and another friend came to teach with me. Things were going decently until one girl interrupted my teaching to stand up and begin a conversation at the front of the classroom with another girl. Here's what unfolded:
Me: Would you mind sitting down for me?
Her: Whatever.
Me: Seriously, please go sit down.
Her: You can't tell me what to do.
Me: SIT DOWN!
Her: You cant talk to me like Im a dog.
Me: Apparently not, because dogs obey.
Yeah. I lost it. That was a totally disrespectful way to try and remedy the situation. I owe this girl an apology for not being the adult. But here's the thing: I should NEVER have been in that situation in the first place. This class is out of control, and the teacher does nothing to try and help us. I am not there to learn how to teach. I have no desire to discipline these guys.
My father, who feels strongly that I need to find a new classroom, pointed out that if this teacher cant control his own classroom, how should I expect to do so? He also mentioned that when I was in highschool, I took almost exclusively AP, Honors or AT courses with the only exceptions being choir, spanish, and newspaper, which were all very high-end electives. This is a gen ed at an intercity school. My expectations might be a bit high. But even so, this has just been so extremely painful so far. My partner is a schmuck, my teacher is unwilling to assert himself, my classroom is out of control, and I am miserable.
The "What now?" question keeps running through my head. Do I give up just because this sucks, and is the hardest thing I have had to do in a while? Reminds me of my relationship with (Mitchell). Do I give up just because it is hard? If I face a future of unfullfillment and frustration, as I did with (Mitchell), then it is time to walk away. But I dont want to be the guy that walks out on a class, a partner and a program. So.... What now?
1) Sorry your day was bad.
2) Hope your day improves.
3) I love you and hope your day gets better.
4) I love you.
5) I love you like ridiculous amounts. And also, to cheer you up, just think that Marquette's mascot was "gold"... gold diggers, solid gold, oh the fun statements are endless.
Its the little stuff like that that helps me to feel like I can make it through the day. Thanks guys.
In all actuality, my day was great for the most part. I did very well in all my classes, but Streetlaw is where I came up on my problem. I dont think I have written about Streetlaw yet, but the long story short is that I teach a 10th grade class about legal issues. I was paired with an older student (in his forties) from the UofM here, who spent the first few weeks shoving his ultra-conservative viewpoints down my throat. Anyway, after trying to diplomatically remedy that situation, and feeling like we finally had a good week with the rather rambunctious group of students we teach, my partner bailed on me about half hour before the class.
Well, thanks again to the support of my wonderful friends, I was able to throw together a last minute lesson plan, and another friend came to teach with me. Things were going decently until one girl interrupted my teaching to stand up and begin a conversation at the front of the classroom with another girl. Here's what unfolded:
Me: Would you mind sitting down for me?
Her: Whatever.
Me: Seriously, please go sit down.
Her: You can't tell me what to do.
Me: SIT DOWN!
Her: You cant talk to me like Im a dog.
Me: Apparently not, because dogs obey.
Yeah. I lost it. That was a totally disrespectful way to try and remedy the situation. I owe this girl an apology for not being the adult. But here's the thing: I should NEVER have been in that situation in the first place. This class is out of control, and the teacher does nothing to try and help us. I am not there to learn how to teach. I have no desire to discipline these guys.
My father, who feels strongly that I need to find a new classroom, pointed out that if this teacher cant control his own classroom, how should I expect to do so? He also mentioned that when I was in highschool, I took almost exclusively AP, Honors or AT courses with the only exceptions being choir, spanish, and newspaper, which were all very high-end electives. This is a gen ed at an intercity school. My expectations might be a bit high. But even so, this has just been so extremely painful so far. My partner is a schmuck, my teacher is unwilling to assert himself, my classroom is out of control, and I am miserable.
The "What now?" question keeps running through my head. Do I give up just because this sucks, and is the hardest thing I have had to do in a while? Reminds me of my relationship with (Mitchell). Do I give up just because it is hard? If I face a future of unfullfillment and frustration, as I did with (Mitchell), then it is time to walk away. But I dont want to be the guy that walks out on a class, a partner and a program. So.... What now?
Friday, February 17, 2006
I dare you to move like today never happened before
I had a crap-load of work to do for today. It was beginning to overwhelm me, so what did I do? Ignored it... With midterms coming up in the next two weeks, I guess there is still a part of me that is challenging the impending panic and just saying, "Bring it on." I situate myself in class where I participate enough in most (not Criminal) classes that the prof would never cold call on me, because they hear from me quite enough as it is.
Highlight of my night last night? Taking out Brianna's garbage. Why? Because it was next to that dumpster that I found my new kitchen table.
A few of my closer friends know that I am not opposed to dumpster diving, or making a day of driving around my old college campus after move-out day to see what gems the graduates no longer want. In fact, Justine and Danielle would actually have been disappointed in me if I hadnt picked up that table yesterday and brought it inside. The reason that this was a big deal is not because I grabbed it from the trash, but because I have been looking for a kitchen table for weeks with no luck finding the right table for the right price. Well, this certainly does it for me!
I work again this Saturday, which will be nice. It is totally part of my routine to have that as part of my schedule and budget. It will be nice to be back after two weeks. Hopefully the computers will be working a bit better.
I had an article printed in the Tribune defending bars from the prospective smoking ban in Milwaukee. Esentially a libertarian argument. Anyway, when I submit articles I ALWAYS make the submission contingent upon getting final approval of the final edit. Well, the editor never contacted me after I submitted the article, but lo-and-behold, the piece ended up in yesterday's Tribune, edited to a fair amount.
I wrote a friendly-enough email to the editor (of course CCing in his bosses etc.) asking for an apology for disregarding my wishes and breaking the contract. He emailed me back being all sassy that "this wasnt a contract, and if it was..." Oh no you didnt. I reacted with a strong legal argument why he was an idiot. Anyway, contract law is fun. Now his boss and his boss's boss are trying to get ahold of me to apologize for his rudeness.
Okay. Life is good. Im out.
Highlight of my night last night? Taking out Brianna's garbage. Why? Because it was next to that dumpster that I found my new kitchen table.
A few of my closer friends know that I am not opposed to dumpster diving, or making a day of driving around my old college campus after move-out day to see what gems the graduates no longer want. In fact, Justine and Danielle would actually have been disappointed in me if I hadnt picked up that table yesterday and brought it inside. The reason that this was a big deal is not because I grabbed it from the trash, but because I have been looking for a kitchen table for weeks with no luck finding the right table for the right price. Well, this certainly does it for me!
I work again this Saturday, which will be nice. It is totally part of my routine to have that as part of my schedule and budget. It will be nice to be back after two weeks. Hopefully the computers will be working a bit better.
I had an article printed in the Tribune defending bars from the prospective smoking ban in Milwaukee. Esentially a libertarian argument. Anyway, when I submit articles I ALWAYS make the submission contingent upon getting final approval of the final edit. Well, the editor never contacted me after I submitted the article, but lo-and-behold, the piece ended up in yesterday's Tribune, edited to a fair amount.
I wrote a friendly-enough email to the editor (of course CCing in his bosses etc.) asking for an apology for disregarding my wishes and breaking the contract. He emailed me back being all sassy that "this wasnt a contract, and if it was..." Oh no you didnt. I reacted with a strong legal argument why he was an idiot. Anyway, contract law is fun. Now his boss and his boss's boss are trying to get ahold of me to apologize for his rudeness.
Okay. Life is good. Im out.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The return of the Make-Out Slut
Im Back!
For whatever reason I wasnt scheduled at work this weekend (getting laid-off?) so I decided to take full advantage of the rare occasion and went and gay-ed it up Friday and Saturday nights. Friday I met up with a kick-ass friend from college who I hadnt seen in awhile, and she and I had probably a half-dozen drinks at the Lodge (there was a $2 drink special till 10pm) and then we went to the Saloon. None of my law school friends are willing to go to the gay bars with me, so I was ecstatic to find a friend to go there with. She was nothing short of fabulous. Anyway, I havent had that much fun just letting loose and dancing in ages. I really havent gotten to do that since I left Milwaukee. It felt fantastic. And I ended up making out with a school-teacher. Yeah.
I dealt with my hangover yesterday by grocery shopping with a friend and then an Ikea run (first time for me... not all that big a fan) with my roommate. Then a three hour nap to join up with a new friend and walk (yck) to the Gay 90's. This was my first time there while it was all open. It was actually quite a lot of fun. We watched drag for a bit and he showed me around, I bumped into a friend from work, then we went to the Saloon. Last night it was a bit too muscley for my taste (thats an entry for another day), and packed to the brim, but still way fun. Then went to an afterbar where I ended up making out with a new friend. Fun times.
Its really funny, because I feel like I have regained a part of myself in the last 48 hours. I needed this weekend of gayness SO bad, I felt like I was slipping into this lonely depression from feeling like there was just no potential in my life. A couple nights out, and I feel awesome again. In fact, I have not been this comfortable with the break-up since it happened. I need to make sure I do this more.
As for the rest of life, my computer is back to me, and seems to be in good shape. If nothing else the screen looks better. I got rejected from my MJF clerkship applications, but had a great interview with the Hennepin County Public Defender's office. Worst case scenario: I take classes this summer and actually get a chance to see the sun.
Classes are kinda lame, but I just havent been focusing on them at all. Im wondering if Im going to get my butt kicked in Midterms. Ehh... I'll deal. Last weekend I went to Chicago and had an incredible time with Justine and Will, and Justine even got a date out of the whole thing. Atta-girl! Im feeling like the planets are aligned again, I am back to myself, and ready for this week. Nice!
For whatever reason I wasnt scheduled at work this weekend (getting laid-off?) so I decided to take full advantage of the rare occasion and went and gay-ed it up Friday and Saturday nights. Friday I met up with a kick-ass friend from college who I hadnt seen in awhile, and she and I had probably a half-dozen drinks at the Lodge (there was a $2 drink special till 10pm) and then we went to the Saloon. None of my law school friends are willing to go to the gay bars with me, so I was ecstatic to find a friend to go there with. She was nothing short of fabulous. Anyway, I havent had that much fun just letting loose and dancing in ages. I really havent gotten to do that since I left Milwaukee. It felt fantastic. And I ended up making out with a school-teacher. Yeah.
I dealt with my hangover yesterday by grocery shopping with a friend and then an Ikea run (first time for me... not all that big a fan) with my roommate. Then a three hour nap to join up with a new friend and walk (yck) to the Gay 90's. This was my first time there while it was all open. It was actually quite a lot of fun. We watched drag for a bit and he showed me around, I bumped into a friend from work, then we went to the Saloon. Last night it was a bit too muscley for my taste (thats an entry for another day), and packed to the brim, but still way fun. Then went to an afterbar where I ended up making out with a new friend. Fun times.
Its really funny, because I feel like I have regained a part of myself in the last 48 hours. I needed this weekend of gayness SO bad, I felt like I was slipping into this lonely depression from feeling like there was just no potential in my life. A couple nights out, and I feel awesome again. In fact, I have not been this comfortable with the break-up since it happened. I need to make sure I do this more.
As for the rest of life, my computer is back to me, and seems to be in good shape. If nothing else the screen looks better. I got rejected from my MJF clerkship applications, but had a great interview with the Hennepin County Public Defender's office. Worst case scenario: I take classes this summer and actually get a chance to see the sun.
Classes are kinda lame, but I just havent been focusing on them at all. Im wondering if Im going to get my butt kicked in Midterms. Ehh... I'll deal. Last weekend I went to Chicago and had an incredible time with Justine and Will, and Justine even got a date out of the whole thing. Atta-girl! Im feeling like the planets are aligned again, I am back to myself, and ready for this week. Nice!
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