Saturday, December 24, 2005

Really seeing Home

I come back to Traverse City to see my family. They are the world to me. But I also get to see a lot of old friends while I am here, and that is definitely an added bonus. I do learn a lot about life from looking backwards at where I have been, and seeing where life has taken everyone else too.

I went out with my oldest friend in the world last night. I have known him since we were in 4th grade cubscouts. At one point he wanted to be an art therapist and work with kids. Then he became somewhat of a Christian punk-rockstar. Now he's a jerk.
I ended up smacking him at one of the bars for using "gay" in a dergatory sense for the Nth time that evening. I really dont know if there is the possibility of a friendship between us in the future. It's so sad to me. Sadder than all the people who I think failed to escape, are the ones who did, and became something far worse. He now works for the business world, and spends his free time trying to bed women. This is a kid who used to preach "no sex until marriage" and be a very strong spiritual person. I guess I have never before seen "the fall" of a person like this in my life.


Im not a giant fan of big religions, but if nothing else they can hold one's feet to the fire. This friend of mine at one point said, "I'm not a player, Im more of a playboy, because Im all about the pleasure." I pointed out that another word for that was hedonism. All night long he proceeded to try and pick up girls all around us. Granted, he is phenominally good at it. The kid has definitely hit his stride, sexually speaking. He is no longer the scrawny, geeky kid that I grew up with. But then, neither am I.

Hopefully I am not a jerk.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Protecting those we love

I wish that I could take your pain away. I get so very frusterated and mad at life, and at God, when shit befalls my amazing friends. Here is this person who is inspiring in intelligence, talent, poise, spirit, strength and humor. She has taught me so much already about who I am, and I see in her someone who I would like to be. But when it comes down to it, there is nothing that I can do to help.

I wish I could protect you from this pain. From this loss. From this uncertainty. I wish I could wrap you in a giant hug and tell you that you will be safe and that you could believe me. I wish that I could take on your loss, your feeling of being lost, and bear it myself, knowing that you would probably be better at supporting me than I could ever be at supporting you. It pisses me off that right now, right when I am starting to feel like the universe is becoming balanced once again and that good people are rewarded, and the bad punished, I see evidence that this is not so.

You deserve more happiness than any of us, and yet in this moment there is only a deep sorrow that is not only undeserved but unjust. Why cant they see you for the person you are, the unbelievable blessing that I count you as? I guess I have to pray that God will right this wrong, will find a path for my lost friend, but even my prayers seem feable to help a friend.

It's interesting to me that I can live through so much in my own life, and yet becoming almost emotionally unbalanced when my friends have to deal with their trials and tribulations. Watching you struggle is so much harder for me because I love you so very very much and it drives me absolutley batty to be helpless to make things better. I feel like some sort of caged animal that is pacing, waiting to be unleashed so that I can fix everything for you with some sort of magic band-aid, and maul anyone who would hurt you.

I will be there for you. I want to know how I can help. I know you would do the same for me.

In fact, Im pretty sure you have already.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Just to prove that things havent changed that much...




St. John's chaplain resigns over new Vatican teaching

St. John's chaplain resigns over new Vatican teaching

This article raises an interesting issue... If gays are so "inherently disordered," what effect would an "outing campaign" have on the church?

I know of at least a dozen gay priests personally, two of whom are PRESIDENTS OF UNIVERSITIES, and with this new Catholic teaching, it seems like the church is setting themselves up to lose some high quality men who are already serving it. I would never never never subject my friends to any sort of humiliation, but it is foreseeable that someone else could. The end result would probably be negative anyway, because it would take progressive leadership out of prominent spots and replace them with "Benedicts". Even so...

Another theological point which is interesting is one that a priest friend told me when I was still looking into the priesthood. Essentially, if the vatican says that gays cant be priests, they invalidate each and every sacrament that a gay priest has performed, past and present. This is an interesting little quirk about the Church: current decisions do indeed affect past souls. So any baptism, communion, wedding, or last rite that a gay priest (or gay pope, because there have been rumors about some of the Renaissance boys) has done effectively never happened. That's a lot of new souls now in hell. Seriously. This is Catholic doctrine. Look it up.

Looking for a good reason to get an anulment? Just tell them your priest was a bit limp-wristed.

Finals are FUN!

Okay, that was a bit of sarcasm. I am so incredibly burned out, and as a consequence, utterly unprepared for Tuesday's Torts final. I'll make due, but it aint fun.

I had a classmate approach me and ask me to blog a little about some of the antics that we practice during finals. Spend 14 hours a day in library (which I have largely NOT done, but many have) and funny things start happening. One friend's computer screen suffered permanent damage when it was struck by an orange flying through the library. Not really that shocking.

We start joking about our rotund Civil Procedure professor showing up people's doors wearing nothing but a Christmas Thong. (it would definitely be a Christmas, and not a Holiday, thong, because this guy is a major Catholic)

Another friend and I are pretending to be a couple in the presence of that same professor because he seems to enjoy that idea. Unfortunately, my wife-to-be is also of the "homosex-uwall persuasion." Hey, at least there wouldnt be any premarital sex.... At least with each other.

We talk about how we might throw off each other's test taking: Wearing butt-less chaps into the classroom and then dropping the exam... maybe buttering up a few days ahead so that it's all greasy and pimply... Anyway, thats severe... And it got vetoed because our classrooms are subzero, and those little plastic chairs would be hell on a bare ass.

Then theres the... "It-it-it-it might be a contract" that has become familiar to all of us. "No contract, no contract, no contract, no contract BOOM. Contract."

The jokes that are only funny when you are in a study room with the same crowd for days on end, and only because you have all become similarly geeked out.

And damn, I never thought I would become comfortable farting around people in such a large context. I had to start giggling in the library one late night when I ripped a loud one, but no one could hear it because everyone was wearing headphones... It wasnt so much funny that I farted, but that I got away with it... Then everyone else started letting them go too, and it was a bit oto much to take. Perhaps this is why there isnt a lot of law school romance going on.

But good Lord, do we talk about sex like it is going out of style. Maybe that's because it is. After studying Civil Procedure or Contracts for 8 hours, it is like your sex organs go on strike. They just refuse... "Nope, you havent given me enough to work with." I just look down at my crotch, and it's like, "Oh, you've got a headache? That's okay, I wasnt really feeling it anyway." Except of course with that mental picture of the professor in the Christmas thong...


Okay, other than the studying humor, not much going on. I got excessively wasted on Friday night on Jack Daniels. Then I met up with my favorite Ex in the world, Brian. I totally still think he is the coolest person ever. He was in town for business, but we hung out in uptown towards the end of the night. Then we went back to my place where we had the most exciting... rehashing of our breakup. Yep... Not really what I was looking for either.

On the plus side, it was interesting, because he was telling me how, even after our short relationship, he had really fallen for me, and just when the relationship got a bit difficult, I shut him out and broke up with him.... Sounds a bit familiar. Anyway, since then Brian has been kinda "shut off" from relationships, trying not to get hurt. He now blames me for that (semi-jokingly). That "shut off" feeling is kinda where I am at right now, and I suppose the lesson that I should take from this is not to let that permentalize (word?) in my mind-set. It's okay to feel self-protective for a while, but I shouldnt shut down the chances of future relationships just so I wont get hurt again.

Anywho... I got my new black IPod, and have been tinkering with that... Wonderful little machine. I have already wasted a ton of time playing with it... Just what I need: another distraction.

Okay, I need to get a move on. It's 10pm, and there is still lots of studying to be done.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

absurdly fun

there is just something about being in a sinking ship, surrounded by people you enjoy.

This is exam week. Yesterday was my first law school final, Contracts. It was about 4 hours long, and non-stop writing from the moment we sat down for it. I did my best, although I am fairly sure that I bombed one of the sections because I didnt understand what the prof was looking for. Ouch. I knew the info but... Ahh well. No use focusing on it, especially since I have Civil Procedure now staring me in the face. (actually more like squatting over my face getting ready to take a dump)

After the test yesterday we all went to a Pub, had food, beer and whiskey shots. By about 7pm we were all pretty... relaxed. Ended up back at Brianna's, when a new friend from work joined us. He and I disappeared upstairs to my apartment about 9pm, and much to our surprise, the cable guy was there. He was this very attractive asian-type in his 20s, working on our cable and internet until about 10pm. I was wondering if we were in a porn. Then I had a fun little make-out session with this new friend. I think there may have been a little pent-up frustration from a) spending the last week in the library and b) staring at this guy at work for the last months. He had taken off his shirt a couple of shifts ago, and I just about had to run to the little-boys room. Anyway, I am not looking for anything deep here, just messin around.

I called (Mitchell) the other day. Dont groan, it isnt like that... I just wanted to check and see how he was doing. There was absolutley no intention to restart our relationship, I just was checkin up. I left a nice message, and told him to give me a call. And he hasnt called back. I actually feel good about that. I did the right thing and I feel like this is some (small) sign that he is still hurting from the whole thing. Not that I am happy about that, but it is good to know that I wasnt the only one affected by the whole ordeal. Anyway. enough of that.

Well, I wish that I had more to report, but the library is my life right now. At least it's a fun library. (We have renamed our floor the "Absurd Floor." Fits pretty well.)

Friday, December 09, 2005

The Short Version

When I was 17 and in the Faith Reformed Youth Group, I went on a mission trip to Canada. I was dealing with a WHOLE lot of issues, among them this part of me that everyone said was wrong. At service one night, a pastor called us up to received the gifts of the spirit. He asked us to come and give ourselves completely to God.

I went up front and prayed. "God, take this from me. If it is evil, I will fight it, but tell me that this is a fight that you need from me."

In that moment I got hit with wave after wave of chills, and a feeling of peace that I long for to this day. I had given myself up to God, asked him to fix me, but instead, he filled me with Peace. A Peace that helped me to know that I was okay. That God didnt need this fight from me.
The problem, however, arose when that same youth group kicked me out some months later. They were sure that I had misinterpreted my message from the spirit.

At least, sure enough to kick a teenager out of their church.

Exams and Will & Grace moments

It has been a while since I have posted to my blog. I have been busy buying expensive jeans and dvd sets. Oh yeah, and then there’s law school.

I took a break tonight to watch The O.C. which then led me to tape Will & Grace, and then watch CSI… Really didn’t get a tremendous amount done, but since I am not going out to a blue collar karaoke bar tonight, as I did last night, I figure I can get away with a bit of TV. I have my goals set for the night, and I still should be able to get through the work I need to.

It was interesting… Will & Grace had a scene about being scared to be single. Grace said something along the lines of, “The year after Leo and I split up, I gave my key to everyone who held the door open for me. I had to change my locks a lot that year.” It’s hard doing the single thing. It’s hard doing the dating thing after you have left something that was so comfortable beforehand. You do just want to jump right into the middle of the relationship that you just left. And yet, we all know that it is not healthy to think like that.

This is not me whining any longer. I am no longer lamenting my single-hood, but more just contemplating it. I need to air this shit out. Otherwise it pops out at awkward moments, like say on last Sunday’s date. It was actually kinda comical in retrospect: this guy’s eating habits were the opposite of mine, and it reminded me of how much (Mitchell) and I loved to eat together. We just had very much the same tastes. And we were “Fat kids at heart.” Unfortunately, I decided to share all of this with my date. Hmmm. Not good.

I guess my point, and my date’s point come to that, is that I need to be able to look fondly back at those memories without making those feelings of longing. I am happy right now. I am surrounded by some incredible friends, have enough to keep me engaged and focused, and am starting to regain my “sense of single.”

As for everything else in my life, I am keeping things pretty boring. I go out with the Tommies a lot, always have a good time, and try not to spend too much time studying. I am facing three finals in the next nine days. This is the point when everyone is freaking out to study constantly, so I am just trying to avoid the law school. I was within the top ten for the midterms, so I am not going to freak out now. We’ll see what I think about that approach in a couple of weeks.

Tonight my main project is revising my resume for a clerkship with the Public Defender’s Office that is due tomorrow. It’s an interesting exercise in PR, so I am just tweaking things more or less.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Saturday Morning

I wish that I could sleep longer after my shifts. I worked last night from 9 till close, and that is a far, far easier shift than my opening shifts on Saturdays. Which , speaking of, I need to go BACK to work here is a couple of hours. It is going to be a LONG-ass shift because I am on my own till 8pm and there is a big group of hockey players that are coming in at 5pm for a bachelor auction. A bachelor auction which I have been lasooed into under a bit of duress. "Team player," bullshit, you know. Now I am terrified that I am going to get "bought" by some old troll and then have to spend 3 hours pretending that it's okay that he is a creep.

I finally got my lawyering skills brief done during the day on Thursday. I am not sure that I am completely satisfied with how it turned out, but it's done, and at this point that is enough for me. I went to Boom on Thurday night with some people from OUTLaw, the student group from law school. I was worried that no one would show, since one of my friends bailed, but it ended up being a really good group. I talked with my 1st trans-person ever... That was pretty cool. And my straight-crush from school showed up and we had a good chat. Then I went to a bar in St. Paul and I drank beer out of a pitcher. That was a blast.

Torts yesterday was a hard time... I got called out on not focusing... I was still a bit drunk. Then to breakfast with Jake and Ben. Really good time with that. Bloody Maries and a sassy waitress. Those guys are pretty cool. Someday I want to start a law firm with all these people. How awesome would that be? Maybe we would wait for 10 years to establish ourselves, but then Jon, Shannon, Jake, Ben, Brianna, Meg... etc. etc... We would have the most incredible workplace, and I know these people would be damn fine lawyers. That would be cool. We'll see.

Okay, I need to nap before my shift....