Sunday, October 30, 2005

Getting down to it

A rainy sunday. I have been working my ass off the last two nights, starting to realize that 12 hour shifts on your feet can be a bit draining. Today I have to get my legal writing memo done, and I am now at the point that I jsut need to get it started (I just realized that I gained an hour with daylight savings time... NICE!)

Friday night I worked with Blake, who always seemed very distant and territorial, and Max, who I was warned would hate me because I am didnt work my way up into the position. Turns out that I got along fantastically with both of them. I think they just needed to see that I am decent at my job and a nice person, because both of them are two. I think they feared that I was a pretty-boy hire who wouldnt be able to pull his weight and had nothing to offer other than my looks (there are a couple of examples of this at the bar). Anyway, I got my ass handed to me while I was alone on the floor during happy hour, and Blake came on and reassured me that it wasnt my fault. I truly had felt like quiting. Well, things looked better and better as the night progressed, and I ended up walking out of there with close to $300. Sweet!

Last night I ended up putting on full skeleton makeup, a very interesting ordeal, but it looked awesome and I got many kudos, including from my boss who was pleased that I went all-out. The bar had a special promotion which blew because there was confusion about what people were supposed to be getting and nobody tipped on the free drinks that they did get. I ended up getting cut early, which was fantastic, and after hanging out on the other side of the bar and realizing that I have no gay friends to hang out with, I went with my new manager to the Saloon, where I just kinda chilled till I went home.

At this point, I feel a tad lonely, having not seen my friends in a few days, and knowing that I still have yet to find a group of gays. I see these groups at my bar and it makes me want to just go, "Can I be your friend?" in a sad, pathetic manner. I think back on all the friend groups I have been a part of in Michigan and Milwaukee, and I realize that it is only a matter of time, but I miss them all.

Two notes:
1) I had gotten up the courage to ask one of the administrators at my university out for dinner. Yep. Catholic University, administrator. Probably not the smartest idea, especially since I wasnt 100% sure he is gay. He seemed shocked and said, "I would have to say no."

I saw him out last night. At least I know my gaydar is working.

2) To the "pretty" girls who think that they deserve more than everyone else, I will tell you just what I told the bitchy ones on Friday who were a tad demanding: "The boobs odnt do anything for me, and I pour the same for everyone. Get over it." And if you think promising to tip me big makes you better than everyone else, you should probably realize how cheap you just made the entire transaction and how much LESS likely you are to get what you want thinking that I am a prostitute.

Friday, October 28, 2005

There are hangovers I know I deserve... I want to appeal this one to a higher court

Good God. I wasnt this drunk last night, was I? Of wait. I was.

I managed to drunkenly clean most of the face makeup off of me (its still in the shower) but neglected my neck and ears, so I was an odd site this morning. The makeup actually worked out pretty well. I would be a big fan of this costume if it wasnt so tight in the butt. But then, that might be perfect for work... Hmmm...

I cant even believe I am up for class. I guess that partially I just need to go to get my phone/bag/coat from Jake cause I left all that stuff at his house. Seriously, I dont even remember who gave me a ride home... I remember going to the St Thomas parking structure, and coming home and chatting online... I didnt even drink that much. A couple strong Captains at Jake's place, then two beers and a shot with Matt. Maybe the shot did me in. I was supposed to go to a breakfast thing this morning, but forgot all about it, and even if I hadnt, with the prospect of work tonight, sleep was very much a priority.

Fun night though... Reclaimed the "Girlfriend" song, so now my memory wont be of (Mitchell) it will be of me dancing with Strawberry Shortcake, a fairy, and a very tall hairy nurse. That makes me happy.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Oh yeah baby, just like that!

urbanchristian00: why do we have to get the hours in in the first place?
SM: part of that mentor externship thing
SM: makes us good people :-)
urbanchristian00: eat me
SM: I deserved that
urbanchristian00: lol... that's right woman, get back in the kitchen
SM: yes massa
urbanchristian00: HAHAHA
SM: can i get you a nightcap and your smoking jacket?
urbanchristian00: not if it means leaving the kitchen
SM: then we can do it in the missionary position while I conceieve your glorious children
SM: ha ha ha
urbanchristian00: jesus... that's so wrong
urbanchristian00: wait... are you that crazy lesbian looking for a sperm donor?
SM: no!!! I dont need anything else right now that requires my time and attention
urbanchristian00: my plants are dying... seriously
SM: i only have one left
SM: my baby would be neglected.
SM: but if it makes you feel better, we can keep you in mind for sperm later :-)
SM: just kidding- i dont wanna know the guy
urbanchristian00: lol... thanks.
urbanchristian00: yeah, I will have to hook you up with one of my tricks... he doesnt even have to know about it... i'll just grab the condom off the floor for you
SM: now THAT was wrong
urbanchristian00: hehe... best of both worlds
SM: well done grasshopper
urbanchristian00: i could judge his intellect, attractivness, and... stature for you
SM: would it be akward to ask for his family medical history during foreplay?
urbanchristian00: i can get creative... "Oh yeah, just like that... hey, did your grandfather have diabetes? Oh, dont stop..."

This is SOOO not good. But in a good way.

Well, the midterm grades were just released. Be proud, because I scored far higher than I thought I would, among the top of the class. Sounds good right?

Not really. I KNOW how my mind works. From here on out, for the rest of the semester, I am going to be thinking, "Well, I did okay on the midterm, this isnt that hard..." Having done well with little effort in the beginning will make it SO much harder to legitimize good study skills later in the semester. Bad brain. Bad!

I had a wonderful morning today in prayer and reflection. Felt good to take a little bit to nurture that relationship. I have a ton to do right now, but that makes it almost more important for me to reconnect spiritually.

Okay, back to class. (even now I am not paying attention... he's talking about the exam. I aced it, so I dont need to pay attention, right?)

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Blah...

Sooooo much I should be doing right now. Eh. Whatever.

This week is deadly busy, with my finalized memo due Nov. 1... That is about 9 days away, which seems workable, but I am scheduled at the bar for five nights between now and then. Add random meetings this week and such and it is a busy week. The random stuff like cleaning and laundry are catching up to me too, but I guess I am in denial about going back to class tomorrow. I'll make it through this, I always like a challenge.

"How come the world wont stop spinning now that you're gone? I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong." Just spent a half an hour reading through my entries from June-Sept.... Just examining my feelings through the whole (Mitchell) thing. Last night the DJ played the "Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song... That combined with Kelly Clarkston can take me down a notch... But not substanstially. I guess that I am bouncing pretty well overall.

God, I had a good time last night!

First day at the office...

Just got back from my first night at the bar. It was a blast. Seriously hard work, but a blast. It was like my work at THREE, shaking martinis constantly and running out of glassware and bottles of alcohol, except surrounded on all sides by cute men begging your attention. The coworkers are going to take a little while to warm to me, but I like them overall... It was so much fun to be surrounded again. Having my smile suffice for a flirt... Knowing that I could have gone home with any number of guys if a I wanted to. One guy specificically said, "any guy that gave you up is a fool," without knowing how pertinent that was to my situation. Felt great. Long ass shifts though.

My boss is cool. He seems very confident in me, and it turns out that he put his ass on the line by hiring me, because he was supposed to refer me to the owners first. I guess I dont understand why he didnt in the first place, and I cant feel guilty that he made that move, but I do feel a certain level of pride that he was that sure of me.

The place got packed. I dont know how much money I am going to make, but it is going to be a good place to work, for sure. The music rocked, and I felt like I connected with at least a couple of the other employees. Ended up playing bouncer at the end of the night keeping these drunken straight boys out. We ended up calling the cops, but only after I physically prevented them from entering and played the "tough guy." I totally wrote it off as the Milwaukee experience, when it really wasnt something I had to practice in Milwaukee... Just had to be prepared to do so. Anyway.

Time for bed. I am happy with the new job, and it will definitely keep me focused this next week. Holy shit, I have SOOO much to do!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Back to life, back to reality

I just sent out my insurance form for the DVDs that my old roommate stole. I feel like that closes that chapter. The photos of (Mitchell) are down, leaving several empty frames, and his phone number has been pushed back from its primary space on my phone to take its spot in the alphabetical listings of my friends. It is this little stuff that will help me to keep moving through this.

Yesterday I awoke alone after another bland night with (Mitchell). I had thought about spending Thursday night there too, but it just didn't seem to make sense... I have learned what he is capable and incapable of, and as much as i had this fantasy that he would do something so romantic that night that he would win me back, it was just me lying to myself... It never would have happened. So I wrote him a note, left it on the bed, collected my things, and drove home. That was that. It's over.

I got home after making the drive from Milwaukee to Minneapolis in a record 4 hours. Still didnt get pulled over. Talk about good karma or something. I worked out for a bit, then went and drank FAR too much with Brianna, Maggie and Ted. Fun group. Fun night. Ended up back at Ted's house, somehow got convinced to play hide-and-seek (I won)...

Granted, the night had its moments of loneliness and internal sadness, but Brianna is always good about making sure I dont stay there for very long. All in all, I am happy to be back... so far. These next couple of weeks are going to be deadly hard, but that'll be a good distraction for me. I go to work at BOOM tomorrow for the first time, and I have "first day jitters" but am very excited about it overall.

I will have to post the whole break-up thing later, along with other trip details... Right now I am just trying to recapture my normal life.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

back in Milwaukee

Just spent the day doing service with Justine and her coworkers from CreditSuisse. It was actually kind of nice, a good way to take my mind off of anything important. Started by tarring the roof of the rectory, then covering old windows… Just generally fix-it stuff. Now I am in Milwaukee, and trying to make sure I can salvage a friendship between (Mitchell) and I. Do I wish that by some miracle we could renew the relationship? Yes, absolutely. But I just got here to find that he had gone to go hear Dan Savage speak without so much as telling me. That’s kind of a big “fuck you,” you know? I am going to just chill, I really have learned not to be disappointed by him. Just one more example why this cant work. Gives me a chance just to chill for the moment though. That feels nice.

(ten minutes later)

(Charley) just got back… (Mitchell) is now going to coffee with a couple of people… How perturbed should I be? Jesus… How could I ever have thought this would work?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I can't make you love me.

I need to write this now. In a couple of weeks I am going to start really really missing (Mitchell), and then I am going to remember all of the things that made me love him in the first place. I am not going to remember how miserable I have been these last few weeks because of his increasingly chilly and distant behavior. I may not remember what a horrid boyfriend he really was: never did anything special for me, never complimented me, never really showed any signs of his love for me. I will forget that this last Friday night he didn’t even come over and say Hi to me when I stopped to see him at work. I wont remember how he didn’t even want to touch me while we ate cheesecake in the park. I wont remember how uninterested he was in even being with me. I wont remember that we sat on his bed, watched a movie, and didn’t once touch each other. I may even forget how insecure I have become in my own attractiveness, feeling undesirable because my own boyfriend didn’t desire me.

It turns out that we were holding on too tightly to the memory of what we had. Perhaps it was just a great summer of love. I truly, truly, needed this relationship: all of my friends had left me, I was alone in the city, and I had nothing else going for me that summer. I am SO very grateful for the time we had. Perhaps we were foolish to make this more than that.

I finally approached him after the movie on Friday night. “What can we do to get back to that place again?” The place where we were so passionate with each other, where we talked each other to sleep, where the simple touch of him was enough for me. Somewhere in the last month, that place had been lost, and I don’t know how to get back to it. I have been trying my damnedest, with only increased resistance on (Mitchell's) part.

(Mitchell) claimed to be having trouble with the distance thing. Fair enough. At the same time, he is disconnecting with his friends back home right now too. He is going through a rough transition period right now, and in all likelihood is depressed. We said that we want to hold onto the memory of how good the relationship was, and hold onto the hope that perhaps someday will be the right time and place to try it again. We were good together, hopefully one day we can be again. But we cant continue to let the relationship spoil right now.

What does this mean for me? It means that I have to let go of someone I love so much it hurts because he cant love me back right now. That sucks! I look at my perspective, and there is nothing that I can change (other than moving back to Mke, which is unreasonable considering…), no greater amount of energy that I can put in to make this work. The failure is, indeed, on (Mitchell’s) end. I don’t want to make it sound like I am placing blame, but I also don’t want to walk away from this feeling like I could have done more, because I couldn’t have. All of my friends have seen the way that this affects me, and many are astounded that I have let him bring me down this much. I love him. I want nothing more than to renew the relationship we had even one month ago and have a life together with him. But I have to let (Mitchell) do his part. I have to let him restore his life, figure out what he needs, and someday come back to me.

I am so intensely happy with my life in Minneapolis right now, with incredible friends, a great school, a fantastic apartment and a city just waiting for me… There is no reason that I should let this one aspect of my life bring me down so hard.

So…. That’s that. I will continue my life. I will take down the photos of him all over my apartment, and I will start bartending again, dating again, and perhaps I will find someone who is closer to the 99% of what I want. And yet I still love him for his sense of humor, his honesty, his thirst to see and do things, his kindness to his friends… There is no one in the world that my heart has gone thumpty-thump so erratically for.

I hope that perhaps (Mitchell) will come back to me some day. Maybe he will have gone to counseling and an objective party will have told him what a moron he has been to let me leave. Maybe he will have an epiphany and see that as he has been getting older, his relationships have been getting exponentially shorter, and that he may indeed need to become a better boyfriend before he ends up lonely. I don’t want him to be alone. I wish for him every happiness. I just wish I was there to be a part of it.

As we have it planned, I will still see him for a couple of days this weekend, and I will still come back for his birthday around Christmas. We are still close. I still love him, and he says that he still loves me. I guess this is the point where I let go and let God. It still sucks though.

This love shit is not as fun as it looks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Better and Better...

I was giving this tour one day around Marquette, something that had become so old-hat for me by that point that it was said that I could "Enroll an atheist in the seminary" when a public safety officer stopped the tour. As we passed he asked, "How you all doing?" I responded with, "Just fine," continuing along with my well-timed tour. He stopped us and said, you really should say "Better and Better," because that's all we get in this life, and that sort of optimism is what makes people achieve more. He prattled on for a bit, and quite frankly I was glad to escape from him when I finally got the tour to move on.

Recently though, I have taken to this "Better and Better" answer. There is really so much to it. Although some days I feel like I am saying it almost sarcastically, most of the time it is a wonderful reminder of the world of opportunity that lies ahead. Today is gray and rainy, and I had a long day of classes, so I can surely say that things will get "better and better." Yesterday I had a job interview and got a call from someone very unexpected, so things were indeed getting better and better.

It felt so good to go out with my friend Meg on Sunday night. I had, until then, only gone out with the gay crowd (with my roommate who I then had to remove) once in this city. Law school is wonderful, but it is so very very sterile and clean, and free from any sort of gay life. And whether I want to admit it or not, being gay has become part of my culture. I have started to sorely miss being around people who are part of that culture. Anyway, ShowTune Sunday at Boom was wonderful because I got to be around a bit of it. Also, Meg's friends are all very spiritual (Meg's partner and two of the others that were there are preachers) so it was indeed even more amazing for me to be able to "get my gay on" without the conversation inevitablly turning to sex. A solid group of good people.

Anyway, while I was there, I put in what I call a "dead application." This is when you give the app to someone who just nods, smiles, and sticks it in a drawer. At bars, especially for competitive bartending spots, if you dont speak with the manager or owner, you dont have a chance. But I had brought my old bosses' very kind letter of rec, and the group letter of rec that I had, and just took my chances. Along the same lines, the group of guys were goading me to be a bit more brave than I would normally be, and I took an unusual chance, which tendered no apparent results.

Well, Monday I got a call from the bar manager. This is truly astounding. Tuesday he interviewed me, and hired me on for Saturday nights. Amazing! He is totally willing to work with my schedule, and this place is very classy. I have to were a uniform (dont worry, it is more than a purple thong)! So, now I have a new home bar, a place where I can "get my gay on", earn a little money, and distract me reasonably from law school. It's perfect!

Also yesterday, I got a phone call regarding my other venture, which was also quite unexpected! Better and Better!

So, I had a lot of blessings, have relaxed with friends who are both faithful and fun, and truly had a good week of things. We all had our Lawyering Skills midterm on Tuesday morning, which I felt I had prepared to the best of my ability for. The only thing that worries me is the curve: there are some smart ass kids in my section! But no matter what, I did my best, as cheesy as that sounds.

I have one more midterm left on friday, after which I drive to Milwaukee for the night, spend some time with (Mitchell) and then drive to TC for Sat-Monday. Tuesday I drive to Chicago, spend the night with Will, J, D, and hopefully Carey, and then go back to Milwaukee Wednesday to spend the rest of break with (Mitchell). This was a hard schedule to figure out, becuase there are so many people I want to see and because (Mitchell) initially planned on coming but then had to deal with work things. At first that got to me, but I soon realized that this job change he is doing is important to him, thus it is important to me, and there is nothing that either of us can do about this scheduling hardship during my break. No point in getting salty about it.

The break will also be good to reestablish the relationship between him and I. It could just be that he is distracted, or it could mean that his feelings have changed but the phone calls have been dwindling, he doesnt seem much interested in talking to me, and I remember that "pre-hickies" he sent me periodic text messages saying he missed me. I dont think he has said that or the L-word in a while, which just makes things feel much more chilly. Hopefully, this next week will either a) determine one way or another if he is still interested in me and b) rekindle the relationship if he is.

My panic mode is a bit less right now than it was before. After our last weekend together, I was essentially told (by him) to operate as if I was single out here. In doing so I have rediscovered a bit of self-worth that I have lost along the way. I am at the point myself where I would LOVE if my relationship with (Mitchell) could continue, could strengthen, but I no longer hold the blind hope for it that I did before. Perhaps this is what the substance of a REAL relationship is about: functionalism of realizing how important a friend the other is. I have never allowed a relationship to get past the dying of the honeymoon stage before. Perhaps this all is normal. Nonetheless, this next week should be very determinitive for us, for good or for bad, and I look forward to the resolve one way or another.

Better and Better.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Better now

Yep... That was a bad hang-over mood. In truth, I think things are okay. Looks like I have a new roommate, Im going out with friends tonight shirking both my TV watching and homework responsibilites. This week is managable, then I get a week off. Laundry is folded, bills are done, and I feel better. (fluids help)

Ugly, fat day

Im starting to get a bit concerned by my own behavior. I know the symptoms. I am so low-energy that I am not even keeping myself up well. It is like now that all this drama has settled, I am still here surrounded by remnants. And I feel fat, ugly and unable to bring myself to get even the stupidest little things done. There is a pile of shit stacking up next to my desk... I havent even had the energy to shave the last 5 days or so. Am SO behind on my readings...

Part of me is ranting: "This isnt hard stuff... Just get off your ass and shave, pick up your room, fold your laundry, open the books..." But there is just something that makes even the simplest things seem difficult at the moment.

For all my friends that ae probably freaking out reading this, dont panic... I have these moments (and would assume that they are normal). Its just something that you never SEE. I dont know what possessed me to write about it today, (I am thinking about deleting this entire entry) but here it is: every bone in my body wants me to just crawl back into bed and stay there. Not from tiredness, just from... whatever it is in my soul that jsut feels weak at the moment.

Okay. Enough. This is bullshit. Pull it together. Be the person people love.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Flash floods and supreme court nominees

Seriously, does she have to put her eye-liner on with a sharpee?

Life is back to normal. Midterms are this week, and that is throwing off my rythm some, but not too badly. My Civil Procedure exam was on Monday. That stuff is SOOO boring it makes you want to cry. I have Contracts (not quite as boring, but getting there) on Thursday. All our tests are open book, so it is essentially the synthesis of the material and the analysis that you have to know. That and typing uber-fast.

I went shopping over the weekend for food, so once again I am cooking, which is such a good outlet for me. I also met with my mentor today, and she is going to try to hook me up with a legal-services internship of sorts at their AIDS center here. Hopefully that one will work out.

Things seem to have evened out with (Mitchell) and I, although I feel like there is a certain coldness, a space, that I havent felt before. The "honeymoon" is certainly over. Quite honestly, this is probably the first point where i have gotten to that in a relationship. He is picking up a new job though, so he is pretty distracted with his own stuff. I just hope he remembers how good we are together.

I got a call from a college bud of mine, Ryan McCollough. We had been drinking buddies, but had never really hung out seperately. We had been through a lot together, but never were... close. Anyway, he called me out of the blue today to catch up. I felt so touched. Seriously, it meant a ton to me that he looked at me as someone he just wanted to keep in touch with. Just made me feel all warm inside.

Seriously... the eyeliner has to go.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Just a second... Im praying for God to kill me...

That was just a ownderful quote from Desperate Housewives.

And yes... Tomorrow is my first midterm, and I am watching my shows. YEAH!!!

Okay. That's all.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Peace at last

Well, I made it through the week.

I had a few friends over yesterday for "lunch" while the roommate moved out. It went quite smoothly realy, even though you could feel the resentment in the air. It sucks to have shit come crashing down around you, and it sucks even worse to know that it is your fault. I am sure it could not have been a pleasant moment for him. But he even cleaned a bit. I really hope that this kid can get his shit together.

There was a certain point where I was asking my father if I was being too hard on him, and he said that not only did I need to protect myself, but doing anything other than this would simply be enabling the roommate for future mis-behavior.

I called (Mitchell) last night and got his voicemail. Right or wrong, the first thing that went through my head was, "He's probably doing what he was last Friday night... screwing around with someone else." Hmmmm... This is going to take a bit more time on my part. I dont think that it helps that our phone conversations feel colder than usual... But I think this last weekend hurt us both and it is just going to take a bit to work through it. I think this trip home in a few weeks will be very telling.

In any case, my apartment is clean, my life is back to a semblance of normality, I have had some interest in the apartment already, and now I just get to focus on midterms. Wish me luck!