2:30 am resolve, 11:30 pm uncertainty

Tomorrow I go back to work, and so should be blogging on a more consistent basis, given the desk-job nature of the work. I'm seriously giddy to return to work, but that is not quite what is keeping me awake.

The Guy IMed me today, telling me that he had read my last post, and created one of his own. He asked me to read it and get back to him. I wrote back that I appreciated the gesture, but if he wanted to say something, he is going to have to talk to me directly. While I didn't read it, I had my roommate look it over, just to a) find out if there was anything I needed to worry about and b) more importantly let me know if there was anything there that was worth responding to, as in an overt "Im sorry I pushed you away," or something. She said it was tasteful and yet not worth reading since it wasn't written to me. For your edification. (I have yet to read it, so if it is poor judgment to leave this link up, let me know.)

He came by my apartment this morning at 2:30am, and wanted to rehash everything. There has been such a strong part of me that has wanted to just get past all this BS and have him back, and having him in my apartment as I was tired and tipsy, I just wanted to pull him to me: let this be over. And yet, he was asking me to compromise myself with an unfelt apology, to say words that I did not mean, to fake emotion that I would not. So much of who I am is tied to my honesty, brutal as it may be at times. To have someone I care about very deeply ask me to change that part of me for him was not only painful but difficult for me. I stood there, longing to have him back with me, and thought, "It would be so very easy to just say the words." But I knew that I would regret it, and resent both him and myself for saying them. The whole relationship would become a farce.

There was a point were I may have pushed things too far. I told him that if we could not resolve this, Im through. I don't deal with drama well, and I had then spent the better part of two evenings on tending to the hurt feelings of someone who didn't like it when I raised my voice to assert myself. I asked him for my key back. Not to end the relationship, but because I felt like it was already ended. He was closed off to me because of this interaction, and I wasn't about to let the whole thing go on much longer. Maybe I should have. I have a history of ending things too peremptorily.

And now, after hashing it out with two best friends, my father, his friend, I am still not sure where I am with this. I have a couple of options. 1) Try to continue to open an adult dialogue, even if I keep hitting walls with this or 2) forget about this and go to work tomorrow, concentrate on all the awesome things in my life and try to forget how I lost another fantastic man who cared for me and treated me like no one else has up to this point in my young life.

As torturous as it may be, I think I'm gonna try option 1, even if just for a few more days.