Guilty

I got my first jury verdict yesterday. I had been working on this case for about three and a half months, and earlier in the day was extremely excited to see the work conclude and ship the file off of my desk. That was, of course, before I realized just what that would mean for our client.

This was a first degree murder trial, which means that when the jury found our client guilty, the client I had sat behind for two weeks, that he gets a mandatory life sentence. They spent just four hours deliberating how this 24 year old man gets to spend the rest of his life.

Setting aside the fact that the prosecutor pulled some dirty-ass stunts on the last day of trial, and that there are some serious "sufficiency of the evidence" issues to take to the Court of Appeals, I just have trouble looking at this guy, who was allegedly the get-away-driver in the shooting, and seeing that he could have no potential value to our community. I know more about this guy's gang history than almost anyone else on the planet, and I know that it isnt pretty. But I can honestly say that I think he is fundamentally a good guy. A good guy that has just fucked up. A lot.

I was asked to sit in on the "exit interview" with the client after the verdict was read. We went back to the holding area and just sat there for what felt like forever. What the fuck does someone say to a guy who has just had his adult life sentenced to a cell, with no hope of parole til he's in his 60s? To not get to participate in his child's life? He was betrayed by friends on the stand who we KNOW were lying to get a deal from the prosecutor. No eye-witness could put him at the scene. And it took four hours to convict. We just sat there swearing to ourselves under our breathe. When it was all over we got up and both gave the guy a sincere hug. A very sincere hug. It was all we could do.

Someone asked me later if this makes me more or less inclined to work in criminal defense. I dont even have to think about it. More. How can I walk away feeling like the system doesnt need more people standing up for defendants when I see it as so fundamentally broken that we throw people away for the rest of their lives?

I went home and exercised as many coping methods as I could (besides the obvious: drinking, which I tried to stay away from). I worked out until my body was wracked with pain. I crumpled, sobbing, in the shower. I cooked for a couple hours, binging along the way on anything I could get my hands on. Then fell asleep watching Elf, trying to think of better things. It worked to some extent.

I wish that there was a happy ending to this one. But I do work in the criminal justice system. Usually not happy beginings and few happy endings.

Musical Fodder for my Writing:
"Crawling in the Dark" Hoobastank,
Hoobastank