Perhaps it is that I live in an academic and work world where it is not okay to "put yourself out there" and take risks that could damage your reputation. Perhaps I spent so much time flirting from behind the safety of a bar that I can no longer survive without that safety net. Perhaps I just need to grow a pair.
For whatever reason, I no longer seem to be able to approach men. This has been crimping my style for quite a while. I dont want to seem lame, I dont want to get shot down, I dont want to be seen as "that guy," so instead I am not seen at all. Guys continue to pressume that I am straight/taken/intimidating and I miss a hell of a lot of opportunities.
My friend Peter in Chicago tried to teach me some of his style last time I visited him. Its the "Im fucking Christian!" mentality. I guess the idea didnt take. The other night at the fundraiser (see previous post) I struck up a conversation with an extremely attractive eligible bachelor. We actually talked about our inabilities to approach men. And it would have taken just a little bit of guts to say, "Hey, would you be interested in going for dinner sometime." And yet I let him walk away without following through with the encounter.
I found out the next day that later that night he had scheduled a date with another guy.
Then after I was finished rushing around the city today with an incredible red-wine-hangover, I got onto a bus toward home to pack and catch my flight home. I get on the bus, and see this guy with beautiful eyes sitting a bit ahead of me. I can see his eyes because he keeps turning and casually looking at me. At one point our eyes catch and we have "Eye Sex" for about 10 seconds before I looked away. Then I got up to get off, and he got up and stood with his back to me, milimeters away from me. He got off at the stop before mine. I should have gotten off with him, walked the extra block, asked him if he lived around here. Asked him his name. Generally struck up a conversation. Damnit.
My internet bf (dont ask) was telling me about how he hit on his waiter and ended up having great sex as a result. Im less jealous of the sex than his ability to strike up interest from a perfect stranger.
I think if I have a New Year's Resolution it is this: Take the Friggin Risk! It has become apparent to me that the coy thing isn't working out for me, and it is time to let go of some of the safety of hiding behind my ego and seeming above it all. It's not working. It's time to flirt.
Musical Fodder for my Writing:"You Still Touch Me" Sting,
Mercury Falling
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