Wednesday, June 29, 2005
LOVE
What a simple word. For something so F'in complex that no poet, no philosopher, no theologian has been able to properly sum up the ability of the four letter word to create and destroy people, nations and, well, me.
Speaking in tongues
I had this dream last night that I was standing outside of St. Francis elementary school, and someone tried to introduce me to Tek Pataja, that kid from Faith Reformed, and I ended up pushing him away, jumping into my Dad's minivan. But some guy was following me, and he jumped in after me, and my Dad was driving wildly to try to swing him off, but he ended up pulling me out... And he grabbed my shoe, and all of a sudden I woke up with a start, not understanding why I was so scared, just shaking and in a cold sweat. It is kinda interesting cause [Mitchell] and I had just been talking about dreams, and I told him that I hadnt had a truly bad dream since I stopped dreaming after Mom died.
So here is what I think the dream meant: St Francis and the Pataja family both represent elements of my past that I resent... That I am even rageful over. I saw Shannon Petaja at Carey's graduation. It was not pleasant for me. Mimi said that I need to let it go. I think that is what this dream meant. This anger was chasing me...
Anyway, had some of the best sex of my life last night. It was amazing. Then he and I just talked for about an hour listening to music. Earlier that evening we had played scrabble (i won...) with his friend Karl. I just dont know what to say about this guy. I am still SO taken.
I resolved the issue with the contract I have to sign for the law school. There was no way that I was going to sign away three years of my life to the Catholic Church at large. But the dean is going to alter the contract to say that the determination will be made by him. I can deal with that. He is a good man.
Other than that, life is splendid, restful, and joyful. Nice.
So here is what I think the dream meant: St Francis and the Pataja family both represent elements of my past that I resent... That I am even rageful over. I saw Shannon Petaja at Carey's graduation. It was not pleasant for me. Mimi said that I need to let it go. I think that is what this dream meant. This anger was chasing me...
Anyway, had some of the best sex of my life last night. It was amazing. Then he and I just talked for about an hour listening to music. Earlier that evening we had played scrabble (i won...) with his friend Karl. I just dont know what to say about this guy. I am still SO taken.
I resolved the issue with the contract I have to sign for the law school. There was no way that I was going to sign away three years of my life to the Catholic Church at large. But the dean is going to alter the contract to say that the determination will be made by him. I can deal with that. He is a good man.
Other than that, life is splendid, restful, and joyful. Nice.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Boyfriend-land is just a short trip up the road from Dating-World...
sooo... it has been almost two weeks since i last wrote. Two weeks of total bliss, to be quite honest. I am actually fairly overwhelmed by how much i am into this relationship. [Mitchell] continues to amaze me, the more and more I learn about him. He is just incredible. I spent this last weekend with him and his crew down in Chicago for Pride. I get along extremely well with all of them, and they have welcomed me with phenominal ease into his group. We watched the Pride Pararde together, drank, smoked, and just chilled. It felt like this wonderful vacation in the midst of our lives, and the irony is that it all happened in just one day off. We left after I worked on Saturday (a fairly good happy hour really, a fun group kept me company much of the time) and I go to work later tonight at 10pm. But it seemed like we were there forever, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I called Will last night to catch up with him and talk about how overwhelmed I kinda feel by the relationship thing. I am very much trying to keep in perspective just how new this relationship is, and the fact that I have known this guy less than a month. Is this just "new boyfriend bliss," or something deeper. The "L-word" keeps springing forward, and I just barely manage to trap it each time. I dont want him to get scared. We were eating lunch today and he mentioned an ex that he "didnt date long"... just 2 1/2 years. SHIT!!! He has been through this before, he has had these feelings before, so he is probably WAY less intrigued by this than I. But I am thinking back at my dating history, and I can't remember feeling this utterly head-over-heels for someone. Perhaps with Tyson. Perhaps. But I have also grown far more sceptical since then. If I were to meet Tyson now, would I just see through him immediately?
The "boyfriend" title happened last Sunday when we were at THREE. We both just got tired of fending off the label, and quite frankly it didnt bother me in the least. Normally, as most qould attest to, I would be already clawing at the cage that that label puts me in. But as Chicago Pride proved, I was compeletly happy being with my boy. I went and hit on one guy, but only to see if I could hook him up with one of [Mitchell's] friends. And when that didnt work out, I was completely happy to go back to my hot little boyfriend. No hesitation, no "if onlys"... I was bartending on Friday and he came in with some friends, and it was amazing to me the lust he inspired... for my boyfriend. I felt so lucky to be with him.
Not to make our relationship sound overly sexual, because it is not. We didnt go there this weekend because we were guests and his friends were everywhere (and it was deadly hot), and we actually took the sex thing fairly slowly. But i enjoy (see, I almost said "I love") his sense of humor, his caring for others, his geeky side, and the way he fits in my arms. Ohhh... and then there's always the hot little shower we took together. Okay, so the fun stuff is fun too. ;-)
Anything else going on in my life? Actually, found an INCREDIBLE apartment in Minneapolis, and am very excited about it. Within 1 mile of my school, very safe neighborhood, 17th floor of a great tower. I am very excited. I want [Mitchell] to come with me.
Actually, we kinda had that "is this just a summer fling" conversation, and I feel much better for it. 1) because he referenced God and his prayer life, and that he had been praying over the situation and 2) because we are both looking at this as something bigger. So here is my fantasy: He helps me move, and we go long-distance until about Christmas. If things are going well then, I ask him to move in with me in Minneapolis... By June I propose, and by the end of law school we have a kid. Good God... I sound like a teenage girl... This is not healthy. Will was very impressed that someone has got me thinking like this, and instead of seeming incredulous, he seemed to think it was an indication of possibility... My God. I want this to be what this feels like.
Okay, I need to stop, because I am going to wind myself up.
Oh, and I bought my first pair of Diesel jeans. $199 at Urban Outfitters. Holy shit. I damn well better like these jeans. (they do look great) Finally got a belt for buckles too. Yep... spent too much money this weekend, but I have been doing really well lately. [Mitchell] and I agreed to stay in an watch movies for the next couple weeks. We'll see how that goes.
I called Will last night to catch up with him and talk about how overwhelmed I kinda feel by the relationship thing. I am very much trying to keep in perspective just how new this relationship is, and the fact that I have known this guy less than a month. Is this just "new boyfriend bliss," or something deeper. The "L-word" keeps springing forward, and I just barely manage to trap it each time. I dont want him to get scared. We were eating lunch today and he mentioned an ex that he "didnt date long"... just 2 1/2 years. SHIT!!! He has been through this before, he has had these feelings before, so he is probably WAY less intrigued by this than I. But I am thinking back at my dating history, and I can't remember feeling this utterly head-over-heels for someone. Perhaps with Tyson. Perhaps. But I have also grown far more sceptical since then. If I were to meet Tyson now, would I just see through him immediately?
The "boyfriend" title happened last Sunday when we were at THREE. We both just got tired of fending off the label, and quite frankly it didnt bother me in the least. Normally, as most qould attest to, I would be already clawing at the cage that that label puts me in. But as Chicago Pride proved, I was compeletly happy being with my boy. I went and hit on one guy, but only to see if I could hook him up with one of [Mitchell's] friends. And when that didnt work out, I was completely happy to go back to my hot little boyfriend. No hesitation, no "if onlys"... I was bartending on Friday and he came in with some friends, and it was amazing to me the lust he inspired... for my boyfriend. I felt so lucky to be with him.
Not to make our relationship sound overly sexual, because it is not. We didnt go there this weekend because we were guests and his friends were everywhere (and it was deadly hot), and we actually took the sex thing fairly slowly. But i enjoy (see, I almost said "I love") his sense of humor, his caring for others, his geeky side, and the way he fits in my arms. Ohhh... and then there's always the hot little shower we took together. Okay, so the fun stuff is fun too. ;-)
Anything else going on in my life? Actually, found an INCREDIBLE apartment in Minneapolis, and am very excited about it. Within 1 mile of my school, very safe neighborhood, 17th floor of a great tower. I am very excited. I want [Mitchell] to come with me.
Actually, we kinda had that "is this just a summer fling" conversation, and I feel much better for it. 1) because he referenced God and his prayer life, and that he had been praying over the situation and 2) because we are both looking at this as something bigger. So here is my fantasy: He helps me move, and we go long-distance until about Christmas. If things are going well then, I ask him to move in with me in Minneapolis... By June I propose, and by the end of law school we have a kid. Good God... I sound like a teenage girl... This is not healthy. Will was very impressed that someone has got me thinking like this, and instead of seeming incredulous, he seemed to think it was an indication of possibility... My God. I want this to be what this feels like.
Okay, I need to stop, because I am going to wind myself up.
Oh, and I bought my first pair of Diesel jeans. $199 at Urban Outfitters. Holy shit. I damn well better like these jeans. (they do look great) Finally got a belt for buckles too. Yep... spent too much money this weekend, but I have been doing really well lately. [Mitchell] and I agreed to stay in an watch movies for the next couple weeks. We'll see how that goes.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Butterflies
Wow... I have had one incredible weekend, extending into today which is Wednesday. Seems that is a good thing. Last Tuesday I went on a date with a guy, as noted in my last entry. Things went very well. I honestly hadnt been on a real date since probably Spain. Long time. I forgot how fun it can be. Anyway, went home for Carey's graduation, and spent a family-filled weekend with her and Dad. It was quite wonderful. I loaded Carey up with gifts, and helped Dad out around the house. Apologized to Aunt Janet for being a jerk at Megan's wedding. Overall, good weekend. Angela came down from Petoskey for a night, and we hit some of the local bars, and it was REALLY good to see her. I totally feel for her being home lonely right now in a new town. Yuck.
So then, after missing my flight on Sunday morning out of Traverse, I got bumped to a flight that put me into Milwaukee at 11am. I then took the bus to FLUID to open at noon for the parade, and proceeded to work until 9pm. OMG, was that a long ass day. I made good money though, and it was pretty worthwhile in the end. Besides, I had called (Mitchell) before my shift and we were going to hang out afterwards. So I had 3 tequila shots to wake myself up (it worked too) and he picked me up. We went back to his place, where a whole crowd of his friends were hanging out playing video games. It was actually perfect for me: I could chill with (Mitchell) without actually having to do anything in my exhaustion. Had three more beers there, and then he drove me back to Renee Row with my luggage, where I proceeded to walk into the wrong apartment. Ooopps.
Monday morning, I woke up to get ready to go with Billie at 9am to Six Flags. He ended up being like two hours late because he missed his alarm, but i was cool with it. I got to get some errands done, and grab some breakfast and George Webbs. Then we took Bill Janney's hot little red Spyder down to the park, chatting in the sunshine. It was good to get some time in with Billie. He is truly an awesome person. Things seem to be going slowly better and better for him, and I think that the change is largely attitudinal. Anyway, almost the entire reason I wanted to go to Six Flags was so that I could be with (Mitchell), and when we got there, Billie and I connected with his friends. Hung out for about 3 hours, had fun, and then we had to head back. Took a nap in the car, and then opened my shift at 4:30. Billie stayed with me literally ALL night, which was cool, cause we just kept chatting, and it helped the Happy Hour just speed right by. When the bus finally unloaded at 9:30 from the park, full of drunken patrons and my replacement, (Mitchell) took me to grab a bite to eat at Flannery's (which he used to manage) with a couple other guys. While eating we happened upon talking about Adam, my roommate to be in Minneapolis. Two of the guys just kept warning me to be careful, and going on about how irresponsible he is, and what a drug addict etc. This totally wouldnt faze me, because I had a chat with Adam about the drugs, but this is probably the 15th time I have heard this conversation. Everyone is telling me not to do this. My gut says that it isnt an issue: it is only a year, he had held down a job, he has always been a good guy to me. Plus a lot of this is probably just catty rumors. But on the other hand I have had SOOO many people warn me...
I slouched through the rest of my shift, fairly tired, but the shift was largely unremarkable (except for Adam coming in), and Brian and I were happy to see the end of the night.
Yesterday morning, I woke up, dinked around a little, and called (Mitchell) to play tennis. He and I ran some errands (coffee, gas and such) and then found an open court somewhere in Shorewood. Found out he grew up in Whitefish Bay, his grandparents are Catalunyans, and they immigrated to Puerto Rico, and his father moved here. Which means I am practically dating a Spaniard. Yeah! On the road, we had the opportunity to help push this woman's car out of an intersection, where it had stalled. I got major good-guy points for urging him to pull over so we could help. I like being that person. Then he coached me through probably an hours worth of tennis beginner stuff. I wasnt horrid, but we did have some laughs as I kept sailing balls over the fence during one of the exercises. We had a good time, and there was just something hot about bonding through an actual activity that didnt have to do with drinking or sex. I think quite a few of my relationships have been based on just that.
Then back to his place, where we watched a Dinosaur special on the science channel (i love that this guy considers himself a geek--it is very cute, because he really isnt) and he got me hooked on a Showtime series "Dead like Me." To cut the rest of the day short, we met his friends for a dreadful movie (but horror films are the best for dates...snuggling) and then dinner. Went back to his place and crashed, after some fun antics in the bed.
So... Here I am the next day, after sleeping soundly with him (which is unusual) and I am completely taken by this guy. I know that probably once every couple of months I have some GIANT crush, but I feel like this is already way more than that. I have yet to find any of the flaws that usually turn me off a guy. He likes to travel, he has had some good life experience. He is confident, but not cocky. He has strong family and friends, and a personality of his own. And most importantly, he likes Buffy. In fact he owns every episode! ;-) How could I not like this guy?
I think my challenge, then, is going to be not to over-think this. Not to over-feel it. Because of the time line we are on, with exactly two months till I leave, it is going to be important not to overwhelm him, or myself, with the possibility that this could be something really really big. Just to enjoy it, take it for what it is, and evaluate how we feel come August.
But as we all know, keeping my mouth shut about all that could be quite the challenge.
So then, after missing my flight on Sunday morning out of Traverse, I got bumped to a flight that put me into Milwaukee at 11am. I then took the bus to FLUID to open at noon for the parade, and proceeded to work until 9pm. OMG, was that a long ass day. I made good money though, and it was pretty worthwhile in the end. Besides, I had called (Mitchell) before my shift and we were going to hang out afterwards. So I had 3 tequila shots to wake myself up (it worked too) and he picked me up. We went back to his place, where a whole crowd of his friends were hanging out playing video games. It was actually perfect for me: I could chill with (Mitchell) without actually having to do anything in my exhaustion. Had three more beers there, and then he drove me back to Renee Row with my luggage, where I proceeded to walk into the wrong apartment. Ooopps.
Monday morning, I woke up to get ready to go with Billie at 9am to Six Flags. He ended up being like two hours late because he missed his alarm, but i was cool with it. I got to get some errands done, and grab some breakfast and George Webbs. Then we took Bill Janney's hot little red Spyder down to the park, chatting in the sunshine. It was good to get some time in with Billie. He is truly an awesome person. Things seem to be going slowly better and better for him, and I think that the change is largely attitudinal. Anyway, almost the entire reason I wanted to go to Six Flags was so that I could be with (Mitchell), and when we got there, Billie and I connected with his friends. Hung out for about 3 hours, had fun, and then we had to head back. Took a nap in the car, and then opened my shift at 4:30. Billie stayed with me literally ALL night, which was cool, cause we just kept chatting, and it helped the Happy Hour just speed right by. When the bus finally unloaded at 9:30 from the park, full of drunken patrons and my replacement, (Mitchell) took me to grab a bite to eat at Flannery's (which he used to manage) with a couple other guys. While eating we happened upon talking about Adam, my roommate to be in Minneapolis. Two of the guys just kept warning me to be careful, and going on about how irresponsible he is, and what a drug addict etc. This totally wouldnt faze me, because I had a chat with Adam about the drugs, but this is probably the 15th time I have heard this conversation. Everyone is telling me not to do this. My gut says that it isnt an issue: it is only a year, he had held down a job, he has always been a good guy to me. Plus a lot of this is probably just catty rumors. But on the other hand I have had SOOO many people warn me...
I slouched through the rest of my shift, fairly tired, but the shift was largely unremarkable (except for Adam coming in), and Brian and I were happy to see the end of the night.
Yesterday morning, I woke up, dinked around a little, and called (Mitchell) to play tennis. He and I ran some errands (coffee, gas and such) and then found an open court somewhere in Shorewood. Found out he grew up in Whitefish Bay, his grandparents are Catalunyans, and they immigrated to Puerto Rico, and his father moved here. Which means I am practically dating a Spaniard. Yeah! On the road, we had the opportunity to help push this woman's car out of an intersection, where it had stalled. I got major good-guy points for urging him to pull over so we could help. I like being that person. Then he coached me through probably an hours worth of tennis beginner stuff. I wasnt horrid, but we did have some laughs as I kept sailing balls over the fence during one of the exercises. We had a good time, and there was just something hot about bonding through an actual activity that didnt have to do with drinking or sex. I think quite a few of my relationships have been based on just that.
Then back to his place, where we watched a Dinosaur special on the science channel (i love that this guy considers himself a geek--it is very cute, because he really isnt) and he got me hooked on a Showtime series "Dead like Me." To cut the rest of the day short, we met his friends for a dreadful movie (but horror films are the best for dates...snuggling) and then dinner. Went back to his place and crashed, after some fun antics in the bed.
So... Here I am the next day, after sleeping soundly with him (which is unusual) and I am completely taken by this guy. I know that probably once every couple of months I have some GIANT crush, but I feel like this is already way more than that. I have yet to find any of the flaws that usually turn me off a guy. He likes to travel, he has had some good life experience. He is confident, but not cocky. He has strong family and friends, and a personality of his own. And most importantly, he likes Buffy. In fact he owns every episode! ;-) How could I not like this guy?
I think my challenge, then, is going to be not to over-think this. Not to over-feel it. Because of the time line we are on, with exactly two months till I leave, it is going to be important not to overwhelm him, or myself, with the possibility that this could be something really really big. Just to enjoy it, take it for what it is, and evaluate how we feel come August.
But as we all know, keeping my mouth shut about all that could be quite the challenge.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Home Again
So, I just spent the last ten hours of my life at an airport. And I had a phenominally good attitude about it, if I must say so myself. I dont know what was going on, but I was trapped in Chicago O'Hare longer than I think was suitable.
But, I am home now, and I just went on a short beach stroll with Carey. I love that kid. Can't believe she is going to be off to college here soon.
Upon reflection, I was telling her how happy I am with life right now. Making good money working hardly at all, have friends to come home to (my new roommates) and I can spend my days getting sun out on the porch. I definitely need to kick myself into gear again working out, but that just seems like a low priority at the moment.
I went on a date with __________ last night. I finally called him, and conveniently enough he was free. So we went to the Oriental (which I love!) and saw Crash (this movie is incredible... a very astute drama about race relations) then out for drinks at Mel's then Woody's. He beat me at darts and pool, and I am hoping that he is going to give me some tennis lessons. I like an athletic man. Anyway, I have always thought that this guy was cute, and as the night went on, he just kept getting cuter! How often does that happen? We ended up hooking up, first on my couch, then in the privacy of my locked pitch-black bathroom. GHETTO! Anyway, I am really diggin this guy: well adjusted, great kisser, giant cock. (did I say that?) And fun to be around.
Turns out that 3 of the 5 roomates had hooked up last night. LOL. I love not having to feel awkward about that with other people in the house. But I can see the top-bunk thing getting on my nerves this summer. I guess if the occasion calls, I can lower the bed to the ground and kick (David) onto the couch. P.S.: for a man with a girlfriend, he sure hooks up with a lot of guys. I feel bad for her. I like (David) a lot, and I usually try to withhold judgment, but that is just not fair to do to a person, making a fool out of them like that. Essentially he is just using her for the image he still thinks he should strive for. Get over it! If EVERY time you get drunk you hook up with a guy, sweetheart, you're gay.
None of my busines though, I just think it's twisted.
But, I am home now, and I just went on a short beach stroll with Carey. I love that kid. Can't believe she is going to be off to college here soon.
Upon reflection, I was telling her how happy I am with life right now. Making good money working hardly at all, have friends to come home to (my new roommates) and I can spend my days getting sun out on the porch. I definitely need to kick myself into gear again working out, but that just seems like a low priority at the moment.
I went on a date with __________ last night. I finally called him, and conveniently enough he was free. So we went to the Oriental (which I love!) and saw Crash (this movie is incredible... a very astute drama about race relations) then out for drinks at Mel's then Woody's. He beat me at darts and pool, and I am hoping that he is going to give me some tennis lessons. I like an athletic man. Anyway, I have always thought that this guy was cute, and as the night went on, he just kept getting cuter! How often does that happen? We ended up hooking up, first on my couch, then in the privacy of my locked pitch-black bathroom. GHETTO! Anyway, I am really diggin this guy: well adjusted, great kisser, giant cock. (did I say that?) And fun to be around.
Turns out that 3 of the 5 roomates had hooked up last night. LOL. I love not having to feel awkward about that with other people in the house. But I can see the top-bunk thing getting on my nerves this summer. I guess if the occasion calls, I can lower the bed to the ground and kick (David) onto the couch. P.S.: for a man with a girlfriend, he sure hooks up with a lot of guys. I feel bad for her. I like (David) a lot, and I usually try to withhold judgment, but that is just not fair to do to a person, making a fool out of them like that. Essentially he is just using her for the image he still thinks he should strive for. Get over it! If EVERY time you get drunk you hook up with a guy, sweetheart, you're gay.
None of my busines though, I just think it's twisted.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Thank You Notes
Another absoluetly gorgeous day. This is a magnificient time to have a balcony. I finished Digital Fortress today. It feels good just to sit and read... What a blessing. I made MAD money this last weekend, between a semi-decent Friday shift, the Bartolotta wedding Saturday, then a kick-ass happy hour yesterday. Let's just hope it continues into tonight. Yeah!
I really really really should be writing my thank you notes for the graduation gifts I got. I am finding all sorts of wonderful ways of procrastinating (as usual). I guess it just seems daunting. I want to thank all of the people that have not only given me gifts, but have given me so much more. Where do I even begin? I guess the notes on my kitchen counter are a start.
There has been so much wandering through my head lately. It is amazing what a little free time gives you a chance to enjoy... Anyway, now that I am somewhat moved into Renee Row, I am starting to scout out apartments for August. Not so far away now... wow... that's a bit intimidating. I just hope Adam kicks his butt in gear. He's gotta be my footman. I have found some fun prospects though. Here's to hoping!
I really really really should be writing my thank you notes for the graduation gifts I got. I am finding all sorts of wonderful ways of procrastinating (as usual). I guess it just seems daunting. I want to thank all of the people that have not only given me gifts, but have given me so much more. Where do I even begin? I guess the notes on my kitchen counter are a start.
There has been so much wandering through my head lately. It is amazing what a little free time gives you a chance to enjoy... Anyway, now that I am somewhat moved into Renee Row, I am starting to scout out apartments for August. Not so far away now... wow... that's a bit intimidating. I just hope Adam kicks his butt in gear. He's gotta be my footman. I have found some fun prospects though. Here's to hoping!
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