Looking in the Mirror

Law school has been hard on me. Hard on the person who I have come to know and develop in myself, and hard to hold onto the things I love about who I am. There is this constant challenge, and drive, and whether I admit it or not, competition. Meanwhile, I find myself uniquely alone in my surroundings, without the companionship I found in Milwaukee, Caracas, TC, and even to some extent in Madrid. I am slowly developing relationships that I can really rely on, but as with all things, it comes with some difficulty. Social development takes time.

This last weekend has renewed me though. Friday I went out to lunch with some friends, went out with Kenz for dancing and drinking games, Saturday I had breakfast with Christina then flew to Chicago and hung out with my Sis, then got far too wasted with Will and Co. and ended up making out with a stranger. Woke up on the couch of a friend and went to brunch with Carey, J and D, looked at some open-houses too for J which I loved. Then rejuvenated at the hotel for a bit before going to Hooters for crab legs with Pete and John from back home. Then had a rather long day of flying, I ended up with my Grandparents in Tucson for a 5-day visit with them. Why does all of this matter? Because all of these people adore me. All of them get me. While I might, at times, feel very alone in my current social sphere, it is so incredibly helpful to be reminded of how loved I am elsewhere, and that, in time, I will develop friends in Minneapolis too.

I have been working very hard at liking what I look at in the mirror. It doesn’t always come easy. My friends don’t often see that, but I have trouble liking myself, seeing myself as worthy. Mostly body-image stuff really, for which I completely blame gay-culture, but other outside comparison stuff comes in there too. When a classmate treats me as expendable, it gets to me. But it shouldn’t.

The breakup with (Mitchell) jarred my sense of worth a bit. There were so many ways that the whole thing made me feel undervalued and unloved. Then I would start to wonder if anyone will ever value me enough for a relationship, and the thought-process went downhill from there. Enough. This last week, I finally realized that I am over it. Done looking at life from the “break-up” perspective. Time to move on.

I looked in the mirror just now, and I look good. Damn good. Maybe its all the love I have felt in the last 72 hours, the heinous sweaters my dear grandmother insists on giving me every time I see her (do I look cold?), the way that Will and I know it is okay to get wasted around each other, the fact that Kenz will unhesitantly accompany me to the gay bars. I have a summer job (three in fact). I am looking at buying a house. I am in the top of my class. I volunteer and live a good life. I am without psychosis, well adjusted and very little drama. And lastly, and I wish I thought it was least importantly, I am attractive. I look in the mirror, and just wonder how I am still single. I just hope that others see the same in me. And that I allow myself to see the same in others.
It feels good. And if I finish this Spring Break with nothing accomplished other than feeling good about myself again, then fuck yeah!