mental health day

I got to the point in my reading last night that I just hit a breaking point. Actually, I couldnt even bring myself to begin the reading, I just couldnt get over the motivation roadblock I felt. I just wanted to break out of the monotomy of what my life has become of late: Wake, school, home, nap, cook, study till midnight, maybe catch a tv show. Over and over again. This sucks.

Ironically, a bunch of the other guys hit that same breaking point last night. Good to know at least that I am not the only one blowing things off.

Anyway, after spending the afternoon avoiding the work, then the evening chatting online, I decided to meet an acquaintence from Milwaukee (one of the old Bag Boyz) out at a neighborhood bar. We chilled and got to know each other a little bit and started playing darts when I spotted a nice-enough looking guy sitting alone. Through my years of bartending, and my personal experience feeling very alone in this city, I know how cool it can be to have someone befriend you. So I looked at my Milwaukee friend, and said, "I'm going to go make us a new friend." And that I did.

Turns out this guy in on his way to law school next year, and is engaged to be married to another guy who showed up shortly thereafter. The four of us ended up talking and just chilling for a few hours, and they were actually a bit reticent about letting me go home... It was amazing how quickly I felt I had made new friends. FINALLY! It has been driving me nuts not to have gay friends in this city, and here are two well-adjusted, caring guys who were quite charming. We exchanged numbers and I hope to hang out with them again soon.

Two things:
1) How does one proceed in making non-awkward plans with a new "couple" of friends? I dont want to do the third wheel thing, and I definitely dont want them to get the wrong impressions about my interest. Do I have to wait three days to call? Wait for them to call me? Just find the next convenient time when Im out with friends to give them a call? Ideally Id have a group of gay friends that I could invited them along with, but I dont, as of now have that group. I've never quite been in this situation before. Suggestions?

2) Seeing this couple, so perfectly congruent together, matched in their personalities and yet wonderfully different people, I felt a lot of things. Envious of the obvious romance between the two of these guys. Coveting a future relationship like that of my own. Scared that I will never be sitting in such a blissful spot again. But mostly, admiring such a shining example of what I want for my own life. Here are these two, one going to law school on the east coast because his fiance wants to move out there, the fiance moving to where his boyfriend is going to law school. Met casually, through school. Getting married shortly after graduation. Big rock on the finger. Bickering about family stuff, wedding plans. There but for the grace of God go I.

I guess the biggest thing that hit me was that I have yet to meet a couple quite as "together" (even if it was just a facade) as these two guys. There is part of me that just wants so much for them to succeed, so that I know that it is possible that I do also.

On the other hand, what do I have to do to get there? Work harder or let it come naturally? Why has God not sent this sort of thing my way? Many of my friends are not the marrying type, but I clearly am. I can think of nothing I want more than to have a family with a loving partner. I dont want to be one of those single 30s people. I love being single, but when a sled-dog movie can make me tear up because I long for companionship, I cant belive that this is what God has planned for me.

Happiness is where i am, I just have to let it be. Go Zen. Breathe. God moves within and around. It all will happen in its time. (I'll just keep repeating that until I believe it).