I dont know what's with me at the moment. I just got so sad. I feel like I want to cry. Life feels utterly uncontrolable, and while I try very hard to accept that the universe tends to unfold as it should, I think I just got very tired. Tired of showing the happy, at ease exterior that everyone knows. I guess just for this moment I need everything to be still. To be right. There is only so long I can dodge. Part of me is still shaking from how perfect and calm and thrilling this summer was. I am a bit jarred by being ripped out of that world and set back to the hour-after-hour day-after-day marathon that I have set myself in. It just feels like too much to handle right now.
Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.
Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.
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