The Ten Percent Rule

I am tired, and sad, and tired of being sad. This weekend was definitely rough. It actually felt really good to get back to Minneapolis, a feeling that I am used to being reversed.

Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.

I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.

There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.

1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.

2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.

3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.

The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.

So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.

I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.