Some sage advice:

A note from a friend about this situation:


For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...

I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.

I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.

I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.



This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.