Wow... This guy is almost as sexy as Anderson Cooper going after that lady Senator. Check it out:
http://media.putfile.com/OlbermannSwings
Friday, September 30, 2005
Ummm... What a week
Yes Brett, an update has indeed been in store. Especially given the new circumstances.
Something that I failed to document during the relationship strife I dealt with last weekend was the fact that I got home Tuesday night and discovered that about $200 worth of my boxed DVDs were missing. (actually, some were Mitchell's, but nonetheless). I confronted my roommate, and he claimed no knowledge of how they had disappeared. The best he could come up with was, "Maybe I left my door unlocked." Whatever. I made it very clear that as he was the only person home over the weekend, he was responsible for recovering the loss.
The next day, I came home to find that and additional $200 worth of DVDs were missing since the day before. What???
After I talked with my landlord about my options, I was on the elevator back up, and hit the 17 button for my floor. A fairly dingy looking man asked me if I was the lawyer in 1709. I hesitantly confirmed, since i am not really a lawyer (yet). Anyway, this guy knew all sorts of stuff about my apartment and told me that he had been over during the weekend. Hmmmm.... He told me he would stop by later because he had something to tell me. Odd, but whatever.
About an hour later, I am trying to get in a nap before buckling down for mid-term studies, when this guy "Danny" knocks on the door. He claims that my roommate pawned my DVDs off for drugs on Saturday and that he knows the guy that can get them for me, if I have $40 I can bring along. So I scoop up my cash, and follow this guy downstairs. He is telling me that he lives with his brothers here in 1409, and that he just felt bad that my stuff got taken. Gee, what a nice guy.
So I follow "Danny" outside, and he asks for my phone to call the guy who has my stuff. He starts trying to edge me down the sidewalk further and further away from the building, and I start feeling totally sketch about the situation. At that point I saw another guy from my floor, flagged him over, and asked him to accompany us. He befuddledly assented. At this point "Danny" starts wigging out that I dont trust him and that I should just call the cops. I get my phone back, go inside and do just that.
While waiting for the hour or so for the cops to show up, the guys from 1409 come down, tell me that "Danny" doesnt live with them, but that he had convinced one of them to take him to the CD Warehouse on Lake St. and sell the DVDs in his name. Hmmm.... So essentially this confirms that Danny was luring me away from the building and trying to shrift $40 from me. Shady for sure.
Meanwhile, I pay for maitenance to make an emergency lock change to my apartment, and call my roommate at his work and tell him he is no longer welcome there. Whether he sold my DVDs for drugs (2x) or he just let this Danny guy into the apartment and failed to notice as he walked off with ARMLOADS of DVDs (2x) (along with a UWM sweatshirt that belonged to the roommate) I really dont care. I somehow got involved in this drug scheme, and I am not up for that. In fact I am very much out. I had warned the roommate against this sort of behavior, and here I am $400 worth of stuff stolen, and not feeling real empathetic for my roommate. EVERYONE had warned me against living with him, and I had given him a fair shot. But thats all he gets.
Anyway, the cop shows up, and doesnt care much about the details of what has just happened. For him, he saw this as "property removed while under care of roommate," not giving any thought to the coke addict that had just tried to screw me or the fact that my goods were now sitting at the CD Warehouse (more on this later). He advised me NOT to throw the roommates stuff on the street, and not to expect any further help from the police in this matter, as it was small potatoes to them. Great.
At this point I was surrounded by about 6 good friends from the law school. I love these people. They are totally willing to be there for me in a way that I had to work very hard to achieve in undergrad. Even then, I really only felt like i could consistently call on only a few people, and you know who you are.
Since this all went down, I have been trying to restore order. The roommate just picked up the rest of his stuff, seemed nice enough, though understandably cold. I hope things work out well for him, and I hope that we can still be friends when all is said and done.
I went with a friend to the CD Warehouse yesterday, found the box sets on the shelves, brought them forward with the police report, and had them look up the intake records. Turns out that they had received ALL of the DVDs that I was missing in the last four days. One of the intakes was indeed from the guy in 1409. Hmmm... Seems like a pretty solid string of evidence, huh? Well, they won't turn over my DVDs until the cops come and get them, and the cops won't come and get them because they dont care. Hmmm... That sucks. Fortunately I am insured, so it is simply a matter of getting (Mitchell) and a few friends to verify that I had these specific DVDs in my possession.
Oh, and CD Warehouse? That's shady right there. Whatever. I am over this stuff. This week has been incredibly DRAMA, and I am looking forward to life stabalizing a bit. I am looking forward to the apartment stabalizing, my relationship stabalizing, and just getting to the work at hand. This was kinda a kick in the pants to motivate my prayer life, which it has done, but I am ready for some calm. Thank God for a loving and patient boyfriend to listen to me rant through this stuff. Thank God for friends both new and old who talked with me and stayed with me and let me eat their chinese food when I was scared to go back to my own apartment. Thank God for family who will always understand and will always side with me on all my problems.
Well, that's my update. The next two weeks starting Monday are solid midterms, but life is more normal now, so I guess we can just pressume that my life has returned to its normal boring stasis (seriously no complaints at this point).
Something that I failed to document during the relationship strife I dealt with last weekend was the fact that I got home Tuesday night and discovered that about $200 worth of my boxed DVDs were missing. (actually, some were Mitchell's, but nonetheless). I confronted my roommate, and he claimed no knowledge of how they had disappeared. The best he could come up with was, "Maybe I left my door unlocked." Whatever. I made it very clear that as he was the only person home over the weekend, he was responsible for recovering the loss.
The next day, I came home to find that and additional $200 worth of DVDs were missing since the day before. What???
After I talked with my landlord about my options, I was on the elevator back up, and hit the 17 button for my floor. A fairly dingy looking man asked me if I was the lawyer in 1709. I hesitantly confirmed, since i am not really a lawyer (yet). Anyway, this guy knew all sorts of stuff about my apartment and told me that he had been over during the weekend. Hmmmm.... He told me he would stop by later because he had something to tell me. Odd, but whatever.
About an hour later, I am trying to get in a nap before buckling down for mid-term studies, when this guy "Danny" knocks on the door. He claims that my roommate pawned my DVDs off for drugs on Saturday and that he knows the guy that can get them for me, if I have $40 I can bring along. So I scoop up my cash, and follow this guy downstairs. He is telling me that he lives with his brothers here in 1409, and that he just felt bad that my stuff got taken. Gee, what a nice guy.
So I follow "Danny" outside, and he asks for my phone to call the guy who has my stuff. He starts trying to edge me down the sidewalk further and further away from the building, and I start feeling totally sketch about the situation. At that point I saw another guy from my floor, flagged him over, and asked him to accompany us. He befuddledly assented. At this point "Danny" starts wigging out that I dont trust him and that I should just call the cops. I get my phone back, go inside and do just that.
While waiting for the hour or so for the cops to show up, the guys from 1409 come down, tell me that "Danny" doesnt live with them, but that he had convinced one of them to take him to the CD Warehouse on Lake St. and sell the DVDs in his name. Hmmm.... So essentially this confirms that Danny was luring me away from the building and trying to shrift $40 from me. Shady for sure.
Meanwhile, I pay for maitenance to make an emergency lock change to my apartment, and call my roommate at his work and tell him he is no longer welcome there. Whether he sold my DVDs for drugs (2x) or he just let this Danny guy into the apartment and failed to notice as he walked off with ARMLOADS of DVDs (2x) (along with a UWM sweatshirt that belonged to the roommate) I really dont care. I somehow got involved in this drug scheme, and I am not up for that. In fact I am very much out. I had warned the roommate against this sort of behavior, and here I am $400 worth of stuff stolen, and not feeling real empathetic for my roommate. EVERYONE had warned me against living with him, and I had given him a fair shot. But thats all he gets.
Anyway, the cop shows up, and doesnt care much about the details of what has just happened. For him, he saw this as "property removed while under care of roommate," not giving any thought to the coke addict that had just tried to screw me or the fact that my goods were now sitting at the CD Warehouse (more on this later). He advised me NOT to throw the roommates stuff on the street, and not to expect any further help from the police in this matter, as it was small potatoes to them. Great.
At this point I was surrounded by about 6 good friends from the law school. I love these people. They are totally willing to be there for me in a way that I had to work very hard to achieve in undergrad. Even then, I really only felt like i could consistently call on only a few people, and you know who you are.
Since this all went down, I have been trying to restore order. The roommate just picked up the rest of his stuff, seemed nice enough, though understandably cold. I hope things work out well for him, and I hope that we can still be friends when all is said and done.
I went with a friend to the CD Warehouse yesterday, found the box sets on the shelves, brought them forward with the police report, and had them look up the intake records. Turns out that they had received ALL of the DVDs that I was missing in the last four days. One of the intakes was indeed from the guy in 1409. Hmmm... Seems like a pretty solid string of evidence, huh? Well, they won't turn over my DVDs until the cops come and get them, and the cops won't come and get them because they dont care. Hmmm... That sucks. Fortunately I am insured, so it is simply a matter of getting (Mitchell) and a few friends to verify that I had these specific DVDs in my possession.
Oh, and CD Warehouse? That's shady right there. Whatever. I am over this stuff. This week has been incredibly DRAMA, and I am looking forward to life stabalizing a bit. I am looking forward to the apartment stabalizing, my relationship stabalizing, and just getting to the work at hand. This was kinda a kick in the pants to motivate my prayer life, which it has done, but I am ready for some calm. Thank God for a loving and patient boyfriend to listen to me rant through this stuff. Thank God for friends both new and old who talked with me and stayed with me and let me eat their chinese food when I was scared to go back to my own apartment. Thank God for family who will always understand and will always side with me on all my problems.
Well, that's my update. The next two weeks starting Monday are solid midterms, but life is more normal now, so I guess we can just pressume that my life has returned to its normal boring stasis (seriously no complaints at this point).
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Some sage advice:
A note from a friend about this situation:
For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...
I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.
I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.
I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.
This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.
For what it's worth.... take it or leave it:)...
I just read your blog. First let me say that you have a nice gift for the English language... I'll get back on track...
I have been thinking about the 10% rule. If Mitchell is 90% of what you need today- was he 100% on Thursday or Friday before all this happened? Let me clarify what I'm thinking: I am wondering after reading your post if the 10% that is missing is not really missing. What if before all of this happened you allowed Mitchell to show you love in different, less conventional ways? Maybe (and I'm not saying I'm right about this) you only think the 10% is bad because after his little escapade with that schmuck (yeah, I said it....Al did an asshole thing) you became afraid that he (Al) got something you didn't. Then, because you admittedly and understandably spent all weekend thinking about what happened and viewing Mitchell as "used goods", you subconsciously raised the bar for what kind of man, and more importantly, what kind of partner Mitchell is supposed to be. It sounds like before all of this went down, you had allowed yourself to fall in love to the point of vulnerability- the most fulfilling, yet most painful kind of love- and I don't think you would have done that if you thought he was only 90% before. You just looked at him differently then. You say that love is shown in actions, and I think that you are right. But I cant tell if right now you are allowing some of Mitchell's actions to speak and have a voice.... For you, an action that conveys love is, like you said, a flower, a note, a dinner etc. Is that the way he thinks? What if calling you to see how your day is going is his way of saying "I love you"? What if changing the sheets to protect you from something he knew was a mistake was, in a weird way, a way of telling you he loves you enough to shield you from the things he can. (cause lets face it- he cant control the fact that the loser he was with is more intent on being a vampire than a sexual being). The only reason I am bringing this to your attention is because this is the kind of lesson I have to learn every day. I often wonder why (Lily) won't express her love to me in more obvious ways.... I wonder so much and so often that I eventually make her feel like she will never be enough for me.... and I hate doing that to someone I love. So I have had to change my perspective. When she sees that I am tired and re-sets my alarm clock so that I get 10 minutes more of sleep, or when she takes care of paying the light bill so I don't have to worry about it, or when she gets the brand of peanut butter I happen to like better.... I realize that that is the way she knows how to say "I love you". I send flowers a lot, I get them rarely. But I just know that she does the best she can with the emotional expression that she has to show me love. She just does it in ways that I consider more practical than romantic.
I am sorry to rant at you, but I really believe this one true fact. None of us is 100% perfection everyday. (though I think before all of this you might have cut him the slack of whatever he was off that day and still looked at him at 100%)The best hope we have in a relationship some days is to join together to bring something good to the world- to, in effect, create 100% together. While he might be at 90%, you might only be at 80% some days.... together he covers your missing 20 and you his 10. That will probably always be in flux, but if you really want to make this work, you might have to allow your mind to be in flux about some things too. That's not to say that I think you should give up your hopes and dreams, or the standards you have for yourself. I just think you might be a little hard on yourself, on Mitchell, and on your relationship right now. God put him in your life so that you could experience the parts of him that are amazing- perspectives and qualities maybe you need most around you.... He is blessing you with the things you love about him.. "his laugh, his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life..."... let Mitchell give you those things since you know he can- you give him the blessing of learning what romance is. You'll both be complete.
I really hope this works out for you. I hope you don't take any offense to anything I have said, and you can simply disregard it if you wish.
This really, really helps put things into perspective for me. There is not just one type of love, and I have to recognize that all relationships have shitty weekends. This was it. Time for me, for us, to work past it and find the joy in our relationship again. Thank you God for friends like this. Life seems just a little bit brighter.
The Ten Percent Rule
I am tired, and sad, and tired of being sad. This weekend was definitely rough. It actually felt really good to get back to Minneapolis, a feeling that I am used to being reversed.
Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.
I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.
There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.
1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.
2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.
3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.
The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.
So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.
I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.
Yesterday I left him. I experienced such a wrenching, horrible pain in my soul that I just couldn’t even breathe. Those of you who know me well understand how unusual this sore of behavior is for me. For me to leave a man? Not unusual. For me to spend more than 20 minutes thinking about it? That’s unusual. For me to go back to the guy? That is unheard of.
I feel like I spent most of the weekend apologizing. Ironic, huh? All I kept saying all weekend was that I needed him to do SOMETHING special for me. Anything. Make me feel like I am more important than the guy you slept with on Friday. And yet, it just couldn’t be done.
There are really three issues going on here, and once we figured that out, none of them seemed so intensely immense.
1) The Long distance thing: we have grown emotionally closer, really, but used to an amount of physical distance.
2) The affection thing: this is no new issue, me feeling a lack of effort on (Mitchell’s) part of the relationship. When I walked out on him yesterday, I was SO very much hoping that he would make the effort to stop me. To show that the relationship meant something to him. This isn’t his style. It’s not who he is.
3) The open relationship thing: he made a mistake on Friday, just that his trick was something I had to deal with the next day. However, we also talked about my perspective on my end of things. I have had the idea that it is okay to have “mistakes,” but I haven’t been pursuing sex outside of the relationship, partly because I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else but him, but partly because that is the sort of commitment I wanted to have. (Mitchell) thinks that if I were to view the open relationship as more of an “outlet,” then there would be less sexual pressure on the time that we are together. True enough. We’ll see how this works.
The biggest issue is the affection thing. I am absolutely in love with 90% of our relationship. I love his laugh, I love his dreams, his character, his honesty, his ability to see the real issues in life. I love the way we fit together physically and socially. I feel more complete being around him. And yet, there is this 10% of him that makes me feel so… so uncared for. Unattractive. Any one who knows me knows that it is quite a feat to shake my self-confidence. But I have been trained almost too well by my parents that loving someone means showing them that you love them. Love is not found in words, but in actions. The small things. The big things. The things. Write a note, pick a flower, bake a romantic dinner, plan something special. I have gone on ad nauseam about this with (Mitchell) and apparently it has been a major factor in his past relationships too. He says he can’t change. I just want him to try.
So where does this leave me? We were good last night, but without any real time to solidify that things are back to normal. I want to work this out so badly. I want to be with him, with the part of him that makes me feel special; the part that I know is a good boyfriend. But how long can I let myself get injured by that 10% that I know I want, I know I will need? Should I give up this wonderful person I have finally found knowing that a part of me will always ache for more? Should I wait around until the next best thing comes around? Would I ever be able to find someone who fits as well with me? Can I work through this and hope that this weekend was the worst of it, that I can lower my expectations and we can meet somewhere around the 95% mark? I don’t know at this point, and I don’t think that he knows either.
I swore at God as I walked through Minneapolis today. I haven’t done that since Mom died. Seriously. Fuck you God! Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me so much, so much hope that this would work and then allow me to become so ripped open by it? Why would you teach me to love, only to put me into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how? Why would he give me the 90% that I so desperately desire, and make the 10% so hurtful to cope with? God can take my anger. He’s big like that.
The truth is really that I want to build a life with (Mitchell). But I don’t want to build it in a relationship where I feel diminished and less-than-loved. Can I reconcile that? I sure as hell am going to try.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Well, this sucks. Just not me. Someone else.
I don’t even know where to start this… Oh, I know:
First of all, to the wretch of a little man who can’t find his own boyfriend: I have never been so insanely angry at one single person in my life. I truly want nothing better right now than to cause you great amounts of pain, and I don’t know that I am big enough to stop myself from trying if I were to see you out. I considered you a friend and would have never expected you to stab me in the back like this. Are you trying to get back at me because I wouldn’t sleep with you? If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would go and run out in front of a truck. Who sleeps with their friends’ boyfriends? What kind of person are you?
Okay. So arrive this morning after having stayed in all last night (Friday night, no less) trying to get my first memo written for class. Not fun stuff. But I knew that if I wanted to enjoy this weekend with Mitchell, I needed to get it completed. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, packed and got my ass in gear, all the while trying to figure out the best way to buy flowers for him along the way. (all the shops were closed, and the ones at the airport were ghetto… instead I bought him Starbucks). I make my way to Milwaukee, he picks me up, and I notice that his neck is all puffy and bruised… Wait. Those are hickies.
Turns out that I have to twenty-question him to find out that he slept with Al, a friend I had made over the summer. (I am less concerned because it was Al, but I am more pissed that Al would betray me like that). We take a VERY long route home, and try to talk through it. I am way way more pissed about the inconsiderate nature of having someone in the bed the night before I show up and leaving evidence on his body. What the Fuck? This trip meant SO much to me, and I went through great efforts that I would be able to focus on Mitchell during it. And he can’t resist someone the night before I come back to his home? At one point I very pointedly asked him if he had even changed the sheets. Jesus. Now I have to stare at his neck all weekend. I am not even sure that I can sleep with him. I just tried to take a nap with him, and ended up waking up with a heart-pounding rage that I cannot even remember ever having before, wanting to break Al’s legs. It doesn’t seem inappropriate to me at all. Even now, I am thinking about how easy it would be to have some of my MU buddies scare the shit out of him. Some of my old friends would rather enjoy doing that for me too.
I called Justine, then Meg (new law school friend) then Jeff. Thank God for Jeff, because he KNOWS this stuff. He is good at seeing the balance between love and sex, and recognizing what lies between and beneath all of these things. If I had gone to talk to Mitchell after hanging up with Justine, I probably would have broken up with him then and there. “You deserve somebody who will treat you with the consideration you have always had for others. This sort of selfish move is not acceptable.” Good thing Jeff evened my keel. Justine is not wrong. I do deserve those things. But I don’t know that this event indicates that I can’t get that from Mitchell. Maybe I am wrong, in which case I will look back on this day as a very sad omen. Although, I am not sure how else to look back upon it.
I have forgiven Mitchell’s end of it. We all screw up. He and I have a future together, and that is not altered by a night of indiscretion. He feels badly. He knows, and saw, how hurt this whole thing made me. I think his future extra-relationship dalliances will be a bit more discrete. Now I am just trying to wrap my head around trying to feel like normal with him again, like he isn’t used goods. I don’t think I can sleep in that bed this weekend. I just looked at its freshly made sheets, with the knowledge that Mitchell changes his sheets once in a blue moon, and had no choice but to acknowledge what had happened there the night before. Hell, just take one look at his neck and there is no way but to see that I, at least for last night, wasn’t the one Mitchell wanted to be with. Jeff says that 3 weeks is a long time to go without sex. I don’t even want to debate that. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the amount of energy, time and money I dedicated into being with him this weekend, and such a selfish move on his part could have ruined it.
>>>edited for discretion, see file<<<
First of all, to the wretch of a little man who can’t find his own boyfriend: I have never been so insanely angry at one single person in my life. I truly want nothing better right now than to cause you great amounts of pain, and I don’t know that I am big enough to stop myself from trying if I were to see you out. I considered you a friend and would have never expected you to stab me in the back like this. Are you trying to get back at me because I wouldn’t sleep with you? If you had an ounce of decency in you, you would go and run out in front of a truck. Who sleeps with their friends’ boyfriends? What kind of person are you?
Okay. So arrive this morning after having stayed in all last night (Friday night, no less) trying to get my first memo written for class. Not fun stuff. But I knew that if I wanted to enjoy this weekend with Mitchell, I needed to get it completed. I woke up this morning at 6:30am, packed and got my ass in gear, all the while trying to figure out the best way to buy flowers for him along the way. (all the shops were closed, and the ones at the airport were ghetto… instead I bought him Starbucks). I make my way to Milwaukee, he picks me up, and I notice that his neck is all puffy and bruised… Wait. Those are hickies.
Turns out that I have to twenty-question him to find out that he slept with Al, a friend I had made over the summer. (I am less concerned because it was Al, but I am more pissed that Al would betray me like that). We take a VERY long route home, and try to talk through it. I am way way more pissed about the inconsiderate nature of having someone in the bed the night before I show up and leaving evidence on his body. What the Fuck? This trip meant SO much to me, and I went through great efforts that I would be able to focus on Mitchell during it. And he can’t resist someone the night before I come back to his home? At one point I very pointedly asked him if he had even changed the sheets. Jesus. Now I have to stare at his neck all weekend. I am not even sure that I can sleep with him. I just tried to take a nap with him, and ended up waking up with a heart-pounding rage that I cannot even remember ever having before, wanting to break Al’s legs. It doesn’t seem inappropriate to me at all. Even now, I am thinking about how easy it would be to have some of my MU buddies scare the shit out of him. Some of my old friends would rather enjoy doing that for me too.
I called Justine, then Meg (new law school friend) then Jeff. Thank God for Jeff, because he KNOWS this stuff. He is good at seeing the balance between love and sex, and recognizing what lies between and beneath all of these things. If I had gone to talk to Mitchell after hanging up with Justine, I probably would have broken up with him then and there. “You deserve somebody who will treat you with the consideration you have always had for others. This sort of selfish move is not acceptable.” Good thing Jeff evened my keel. Justine is not wrong. I do deserve those things. But I don’t know that this event indicates that I can’t get that from Mitchell. Maybe I am wrong, in which case I will look back on this day as a very sad omen. Although, I am not sure how else to look back upon it.
I have forgiven Mitchell’s end of it. We all screw up. He and I have a future together, and that is not altered by a night of indiscretion. He feels badly. He knows, and saw, how hurt this whole thing made me. I think his future extra-relationship dalliances will be a bit more discrete. Now I am just trying to wrap my head around trying to feel like normal with him again, like he isn’t used goods. I don’t think I can sleep in that bed this weekend. I just looked at its freshly made sheets, with the knowledge that Mitchell changes his sheets once in a blue moon, and had no choice but to acknowledge what had happened there the night before. Hell, just take one look at his neck and there is no way but to see that I, at least for last night, wasn’t the one Mitchell wanted to be with. Jeff says that 3 weeks is a long time to go without sex. I don’t even want to debate that. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the amount of energy, time and money I dedicated into being with him this weekend, and such a selfish move on his part could have ruined it.
>>>edited for discretion, see file<<<
Friday, September 23, 2005
Can't hardly wait...
Just got done (substantially) with my memo for class. Geez. That was a lot of work. More to look forward to I am afraid. I just had to get it done, ignoring calls and my roommates pleas for a social life. I am extatic about getting back to (Mitchell) this weekend. I can't wait to hold him. I am jittery. Well, early bed, since i have to get up early for the flight. I'll be in your arms shortly baby!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Short of breath
I dont know what's with me at the moment. I just got so sad. I feel like I want to cry. Life feels utterly uncontrolable, and while I try very hard to accept that the universe tends to unfold as it should, I think I just got very tired. Tired of showing the happy, at ease exterior that everyone knows. I guess just for this moment I need everything to be still. To be right. There is only so long I can dodge. Part of me is still shaking from how perfect and calm and thrilling this summer was. I am a bit jarred by being ripped out of that world and set back to the hour-after-hour day-after-day marathon that I have set myself in. It just feels like too much to handle right now.
Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.
Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.
Im not lying, today was a good day. I got 1/3 of my memo done this morning, and showed it to our Ice Queen of a prof, and she said "Excellent." I am ahead in my readings. Yet I somehow feel shaken and weak right now. What the Fuck is going on? Probably just my time of the month. Whatever. Im going out to drink, and yet I am not particularly thrilled about putitng on the "happy face." I guess I just want to be grumpy and ready to give up, and I want that to be okay. Just for like 20 minutes.
Do you think I relish the fact I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four-seven so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia-fucking-Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr.Freud.
Socialist? Big Surprise.
| You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (16% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid |
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I am NOT a fan of gravel...
It's Wednesday. And although I didnt have my 9am today, I am tired from this week. It is not that I have been working particularly hard (went to BW3s last night then drank 2 40s with friends from school... needless to say, not a particularly productive evening). I guess we are starting to be faced with the prospect of more and more work, and just when we are getting used to the daily readings as it was. But nonetheless, I get to go back to Milwaukee this weekend, and am phenominally excited. There can be no measure to the comfort I feel being back in a city like I know, with a man I love.
Enough of that.
I just found out the election results for the student government 1L representatives. I guess I am surprised. Not terrifically disappointed, but surprised. It was nowhere NEAR the popularity contest that I expected. None of the cool kids one. Unfortunately I, after so many years as the gangly odd-humored one, am now one of the cool kids. I purposefully did not campaign AT ALL, and just banked on the fact that people know me and generally enjoy my presence, so I figured that would be sufficient to get the votes needed (It almost did too. I came "incredibly close" as the election guy said). Really, if you look at who was elected, it wasnt the particularly cool kids, or the ones who campaigned the most, it was the four students that truly, truly, truly are probably the best for the position. Three out of the four of them I thought about voting for (in fact I did vote for one).
What does this mean? Nothing more than I am still free to enjoy the friends I am quickly making and kep being the "cool" guy around here. Funny though, it looks like I am finally in a world where real merit counts. Cool. I can work with that.
Enough of that.
I just found out the election results for the student government 1L representatives. I guess I am surprised. Not terrifically disappointed, but surprised. It was nowhere NEAR the popularity contest that I expected. None of the cool kids one. Unfortunately I, after so many years as the gangly odd-humored one, am now one of the cool kids. I purposefully did not campaign AT ALL, and just banked on the fact that people know me and generally enjoy my presence, so I figured that would be sufficient to get the votes needed (It almost did too. I came "incredibly close" as the election guy said). Really, if you look at who was elected, it wasnt the particularly cool kids, or the ones who campaigned the most, it was the four students that truly, truly, truly are probably the best for the position. Three out of the four of them I thought about voting for (in fact I did vote for one).
What does this mean? Nothing more than I am still free to enjoy the friends I am quickly making and kep being the "cool" guy around here. Funny though, it looks like I am finally in a world where real merit counts. Cool. I can work with that.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
One day down, how many more to go?
Feeling a bit better today. Not substantially though. Just enough for things to be looking up though. Plus, tonight was a low-homework night. Yeah! We just had our first memo assigned for the end of the month... Fun stuff (not really though). I had an 8am meeting today at the Bar Assoc. office with pretty much all the big-wigs of pro-bono in the Cities. My mentor introduced me to a bunch of cool people, including one lady who could potentially be my boss at a clinic i applied for. Nice. I also had the pleasure of sitting next to Sara, who works for my school. She is the one whose office I bawled in the other day... Yeah, anyway, she and I have become buddies. It is really nice. She relies on me to say all the liberal, sarcastic jibbing comments that she can no longer make because she is an employee. We ended up going to lunch together too... If I didnt know any better, I would think that she needed a friend too. How conveeeenient.
I tried to make an appointment today for an allergist, as I may be allergic to Adam's cat. First of all, my only phone is a cell. And today is the last day in a billing cycle that I have gone slightly over on my minutes. So I was not looking to spend much time on the phone. But of course, the lady on the phone couldnt just get my name and the time of my appointment... Oh no. She needed to get my full info, my Dad's full info, my patient history, my insurance info... I strongly objected at this point, saying, "Can't I just fill out a form when I get to the office?" No, she responded, we have to have this to make an appointment.... Whatever. Then she asked me to hold. I told her I wouldnt. She put me on hold anyway. I hung up. Grrrrr... Stupidity in customer relations. Im going to the allergist that happens to be 7 floors above them. Not good to suck with patient skills when your competition is upstairs.
I have been waking up at 6am to get a work out in at the begining of the day. That and eating uber-healthy, I figure my body is due for a jump-start at this point. Hopefully the endorphines will help with everything, including my sleep cycles. I have gotten far too accostumbed to my mid-day naps.
(Mitchell) had his job review today, and I have been nervous for him all day. His bosses are so abusive, and I would love to see him quit because the job makes him so unhappy. He just found out that two of his employees are pregnant (tis the season I guess...) and his bosses' first reactions were to fire the girls. One of them has been working there full time for over two years. Anyway, I am nervous because (Mitchell) stands up for his employees very well, but never stands up for himself. I hope he gets some satisfaction from this review.
Grandpa starts chemo this week, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. They are thinking though that if this is successful he could have another couple years under his belt. Maybe enough chance for me to really get to know him... That is my whole regret with this whole thing, is that I feel like he closed off to me when Mom died and he has never really been that approachable anyway... I guess now would be the time to make that effort.
I think I am getting the knack of this law school thing. I almost feel as if it's too easy (talk to me come finals). Regarding the (Mitchell) thing one of you wrote about, I totally agree, this may be working out better in the long run for our relationship. If anything, I think it is strengthening how we feel about each other. I went back to Milwaukee 2 weekends ago, and am going back again at the end of this month, and we really are able to value that time together, which also helps the relationship too. It is totally psychotic of me after only 3 months with him, but I spent about 3 hours on Saturday looking at different engagement rings online. SICK!!! ;-)
I tried to make an appointment today for an allergist, as I may be allergic to Adam's cat. First of all, my only phone is a cell. And today is the last day in a billing cycle that I have gone slightly over on my minutes. So I was not looking to spend much time on the phone. But of course, the lady on the phone couldnt just get my name and the time of my appointment... Oh no. She needed to get my full info, my Dad's full info, my patient history, my insurance info... I strongly objected at this point, saying, "Can't I just fill out a form when I get to the office?" No, she responded, we have to have this to make an appointment.... Whatever. Then she asked me to hold. I told her I wouldnt. She put me on hold anyway. I hung up. Grrrrr... Stupidity in customer relations. Im going to the allergist that happens to be 7 floors above them. Not good to suck with patient skills when your competition is upstairs.
I have been waking up at 6am to get a work out in at the begining of the day. That and eating uber-healthy, I figure my body is due for a jump-start at this point. Hopefully the endorphines will help with everything, including my sleep cycles. I have gotten far too accostumbed to my mid-day naps.
(Mitchell) had his job review today, and I have been nervous for him all day. His bosses are so abusive, and I would love to see him quit because the job makes him so unhappy. He just found out that two of his employees are pregnant (tis the season I guess...) and his bosses' first reactions were to fire the girls. One of them has been working there full time for over two years. Anyway, I am nervous because (Mitchell) stands up for his employees very well, but never stands up for himself. I hope he gets some satisfaction from this review.
Grandpa starts chemo this week, so keep him in your thoughts and prayers. They are thinking though that if this is successful he could have another couple years under his belt. Maybe enough chance for me to really get to know him... That is my whole regret with this whole thing, is that I feel like he closed off to me when Mom died and he has never really been that approachable anyway... I guess now would be the time to make that effort.
I think I am getting the knack of this law school thing. I almost feel as if it's too easy (talk to me come finals). Regarding the (Mitchell) thing one of you wrote about, I totally agree, this may be working out better in the long run for our relationship. If anything, I think it is strengthening how we feel about each other. I went back to Milwaukee 2 weekends ago, and am going back again at the end of this month, and we really are able to value that time together, which also helps the relationship too. It is totally psychotic of me after only 3 months with him, but I spent about 3 hours on Saturday looking at different engagement rings online. SICK!!! ;-)
Monday, September 12, 2005
Monday, bloody monday
My prayer is that I can just make it through this day. I woke up at 5am not being able to breathe and with my eyes crusted closed. Not a good feeling. After I couldnt get back to sleep, I went and worked out for a little while, but had little energy to expend on it. At least I made the effort, right?
I now have classes from 9-12pm and then a meeting at 4:30... Which means i dont get out of here till 5ish. Yeah fun. Hopefully I can get a second wind (it's 9am and I need a second wind. Sad) and pull through the day. Yuck. Not a good way to start the week.
I now have classes from 9-12pm and then a meeting at 4:30... Which means i dont get out of here till 5ish. Yeah fun. Hopefully I can get a second wind (it's 9am and I need a second wind. Sad) and pull through the day. Yuck. Not a good way to start the week.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Twice on Sundays
Didnt do much of anything. I think my sickness is catching up to me sleep-wise. But I am finally feeling less miserable. Thank God. I really didnt think I was going to make it there for a little while.
I went and watched Adam play softball today. The point was really to get out of the apartment and meet some new people, but I didnt really hit it off with anyone. I did, however, realize that I could easily join a team next year without embarrassing myself. I talked to (Mitchell) later and he said that we could play on a team together... Either if I return to Milwaukee or... the "other option." The idea of next summer already has me giddy. Is that healthy?
Friday night was mostly centered on me throwing together a BBQ for a bunch of my law school friends. Very Very casual, about 12 people, just chilled and grilled out at my place. It was very nice. I had FAR too much meat, as I over estimated people's appetites. I guess I am far too used to the college scene, where if you offer food, people come in droves with voracious appetites. I had Ted help out with the grill (after which he gave me a shoulder rub... what? not normal straight-boy activity). After everyone dispersed, Ann and I cleaned up and watched and Angel episode and CAMP. Fun night. I was exhausted though... I mean, I cut up my own cheese platter and made my own potato salad. That is some major entertaining right there.
The week had been tough. I think I mainly didnt write because I didnt want to vocalize how negative everything seemed. Kinda a karma thing about putting that sort of negativity into the air. Tuesday, the day that I went back, was one of those days that everything that could go wrong did. Between a 9am call that I had bounced a 5-figure check to hearing that I was rejected from the volunteer position at the Women's Shelter because I am a man (actually its becuase they had already filled the spot, but I didnt find that out until later) and walking into my Contracts classroom to find anti-gay biblical interpretation written on the board and having to interupt the Prof to have it removed. All that combined with feeling incredibly and debilitatingly sick... Yuck. I ended the day by breaking down in the MJF coordinator's office. Great. The second week of classes and I am already crying in the principal's office.
The week got better. With the help of many long distance friends, and bitch-festing it on the phone with (mitchell) I survived. I think the thing is that the stuff going on in my life is small stuff. Small and crappy to be sure, but small stuff. But without the support that I grow so used to in my communities (most recently Marquette) I end up feeling very alone in a world where the small crap is piling up around me. Fortunately though, I feel like I am quickly establishing a group of people here that I can share the little stuff with. I ended up having a meeting with the Dean about the anti-gay thing. He was incredibly supportive, and I held my cool.
Now that it is the weekend, I have just some basic reading and catch-up to do, along with some organizing in my room. As much as it sucks to be away from the boy this weekend, it is really nice ot have the time to just chill and get life organized. Maybe I will finally write those thank-you cards I have been meaning to send.
As for this week, it will be a busier week. I will have to get reconnected to a new volunteer site, I am meeting with my mentor again on Tues (8am!! yuck!) watching the 8th Federal Circuit Ct. of Appeals on Thursday all morning, and I suppose starting a Student Government race. It is kinda funny: going out to the bars and talking with people, various classmates have approached me as "the shu-in" candidate. Between my little "You're Jewish" fiasco last week bringing me certain notarity, and just being a loud-mouth, I guess that I have made a mark for myself already. One girl was talking about how she was going to have to make tshirts and buttons and poster if she was going to "compete" with me. There are 4 spots, and I have actually been encouraging people to run because I dont want to get stuck working with the social outcasts of the class just by default. But there will be no tshirts or buttons. Probably not even posters. I dont think i care that much about winning. To be sure, I would care about the position, but that's a different thing. Anyway... I need to sleep now. Cuddle up to my "versatile pillow" that I imagine is (Mitchell).
Oh... and for my own sanity... reference private diary from this day
I went and watched Adam play softball today. The point was really to get out of the apartment and meet some new people, but I didnt really hit it off with anyone. I did, however, realize that I could easily join a team next year without embarrassing myself. I talked to (Mitchell) later and he said that we could play on a team together... Either if I return to Milwaukee or... the "other option." The idea of next summer already has me giddy. Is that healthy?
Friday night was mostly centered on me throwing together a BBQ for a bunch of my law school friends. Very Very casual, about 12 people, just chilled and grilled out at my place. It was very nice. I had FAR too much meat, as I over estimated people's appetites. I guess I am far too used to the college scene, where if you offer food, people come in droves with voracious appetites. I had Ted help out with the grill (after which he gave me a shoulder rub... what? not normal straight-boy activity). After everyone dispersed, Ann and I cleaned up and watched and Angel episode and CAMP. Fun night. I was exhausted though... I mean, I cut up my own cheese platter and made my own potato salad. That is some major entertaining right there.
The week had been tough. I think I mainly didnt write because I didnt want to vocalize how negative everything seemed. Kinda a karma thing about putting that sort of negativity into the air. Tuesday, the day that I went back, was one of those days that everything that could go wrong did. Between a 9am call that I had bounced a 5-figure check to hearing that I was rejected from the volunteer position at the Women's Shelter because I am a man (actually its becuase they had already filled the spot, but I didnt find that out until later) and walking into my Contracts classroom to find anti-gay biblical interpretation written on the board and having to interupt the Prof to have it removed. All that combined with feeling incredibly and debilitatingly sick... Yuck. I ended the day by breaking down in the MJF coordinator's office. Great. The second week of classes and I am already crying in the principal's office.
The week got better. With the help of many long distance friends, and bitch-festing it on the phone with (mitchell) I survived. I think the thing is that the stuff going on in my life is small stuff. Small and crappy to be sure, but small stuff. But without the support that I grow so used to in my communities (most recently Marquette) I end up feeling very alone in a world where the small crap is piling up around me. Fortunately though, I feel like I am quickly establishing a group of people here that I can share the little stuff with. I ended up having a meeting with the Dean about the anti-gay thing. He was incredibly supportive, and I held my cool.
Now that it is the weekend, I have just some basic reading and catch-up to do, along with some organizing in my room. As much as it sucks to be away from the boy this weekend, it is really nice ot have the time to just chill and get life organized. Maybe I will finally write those thank-you cards I have been meaning to send.
As for this week, it will be a busier week. I will have to get reconnected to a new volunteer site, I am meeting with my mentor again on Tues (8am!! yuck!) watching the 8th Federal Circuit Ct. of Appeals on Thursday all morning, and I suppose starting a Student Government race. It is kinda funny: going out to the bars and talking with people, various classmates have approached me as "the shu-in" candidate. Between my little "You're Jewish" fiasco last week bringing me certain notarity, and just being a loud-mouth, I guess that I have made a mark for myself already. One girl was talking about how she was going to have to make tshirts and buttons and poster if she was going to "compete" with me. There are 4 spots, and I have actually been encouraging people to run because I dont want to get stuck working with the social outcasts of the class just by default. But there will be no tshirts or buttons. Probably not even posters. I dont think i care that much about winning. To be sure, I would care about the position, but that's a different thing. Anyway... I need to sleep now. Cuddle up to my "versatile pillow" that I imagine is (Mitchell).
Oh... and for my own sanity... reference private diary from this day
Monday, September 05, 2005
Terrific rainstorms
I am in such denial that I have to go back to classes tomorrow. This weekend was such sweet release from the reality of work I have to remain in for the coming weeks. The weekend could be summed up by simply noting the comforting notion of familiarity of people who know you, people who love you and people who can make you laugh and smile.
Just being back in (Mitchell's) arms was enough for me. Seriously, I felt as though I simply couldnt get close enough to him. To hold him, to sleep with him. Friday night was phenominally romantic, not for any particular reason other than we had just both longed to be together for so long. I got some semblance of that feeling when I was living in Spain and I just longed for a hug. This was something like that. I breathe deeply just thinking of being back in (Mitchell's) embrace.
Saturday we were at a pool party with his closest group of friends, and there were moments that we held each other in the pool as everyone else was goofing around. It's one of those memories that you just want to last forever.
I walked into Fluid and I felt as though I was honestly missed. I walked into Caffrey's, and had a deluge of people great me warmly. I seriously had to say Hi to 6 people before I could make my way over to Will who had come up for the evening. Wow... Way to complete a weekend. Thank you to everyone who made me feel special.
On one level, I am an idiot for doing it. It was so phenominal to be back, and now I have to deal with the literal tears of seperating myself again. It is harder this time. Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can at least be somewhat non-depressive tomorrow. Night.
Just being back in (Mitchell's) arms was enough for me. Seriously, I felt as though I simply couldnt get close enough to him. To hold him, to sleep with him. Friday night was phenominally romantic, not for any particular reason other than we had just both longed to be together for so long. I got some semblance of that feeling when I was living in Spain and I just longed for a hug. This was something like that. I breathe deeply just thinking of being back in (Mitchell's) embrace.
Saturday we were at a pool party with his closest group of friends, and there were moments that we held each other in the pool as everyone else was goofing around. It's one of those memories that you just want to last forever.
I walked into Fluid and I felt as though I was honestly missed. I walked into Caffrey's, and had a deluge of people great me warmly. I seriously had to say Hi to 6 people before I could make my way over to Will who had come up for the evening. Wow... Way to complete a weekend. Thank you to everyone who made me feel special.
On one level, I am an idiot for doing it. It was so phenominal to be back, and now I have to deal with the literal tears of seperating myself again. It is harder this time. Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can at least be somewhat non-depressive tomorrow. Night.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Sanitizing my life
So, I had a classmate of mine want to become a "facebook friend" with me. Awesome. But it occurred to me that my facebook profile had various "gay elements" and a link to this blog, which can leave little doubt. Anyway, if you happen to be a UST law school student reading this, please understand that there is a reason that I have concealed certain information, namely that I didnt feel it time to reveal certain aspects of my life. It is important for people to get to know me for the totality of who I am, not just one aspect.
But on that same note, I am not willing to go so far as to hide things online, or change profiles, or whatever. I think that is just where my limit happens to be. So, please be sensitive with the information you are learning. That's all on that point.
Today is the first day that I feel like I truly can't do this. I dont think I want to do this... I don't know that I am prepared for three years of this. I know that this moment will pass, but I feel like absolute crud right now. I work my ass off just to feel like an idiot in class. Yuck. Granted, I didnt sleep well last night, and I am coming off of drinking too much caffeine during lunch today. But all I want right now is to get an easy job somewhere and go be with (Mitchell).
Going out with everyone tonight is much needed, as is my trip to Milwaukee this weekend. I'll make it through next week. Then the week after. It'll all be fine
I dont often unleash the full furor of my wrath, but I did let go today at the guys at TCF bank. I had just opened an account with them, putting a very large sum of money in an account. I went to access my account online, and it wouldnt let me register... Huh... So I go to a branch office, and it is because the guy who opened my account had misentered my Social Security number. Grrrr... What make it worse, was that I had caught this error when he made it and asked him to correct it. He had not... This was on Monday. I went absolutely ape-shit at the guy at the bank. I think my favorite line was, "So am I to understand that this sort of carelessness with numeric systems is tolerated at this bank?" I made it VERY clear that an error of this proportion would not be tolerated again. The stupid thing was that it was the BRANCH MANAGER who messed up the second time (he had corrected it in one place, but not another). WTF???
So anyway, otherwise things really are good. I am stressed about Grandpa, but dont know what to do about that. I found this AWESOME note taking/organizing software called Microsoft OneNote, and that makes me happy. I had a very pleasant evening last night cooking dinner for Adam and Christina and then playing pool and foosball with Adam while watching Lost. Then had a long conversation with (Mitchell). Good stuff. That stuff is what is going to pull me through.
I can do this.
But on that same note, I am not willing to go so far as to hide things online, or change profiles, or whatever. I think that is just where my limit happens to be. So, please be sensitive with the information you are learning. That's all on that point.
Today is the first day that I feel like I truly can't do this. I dont think I want to do this... I don't know that I am prepared for three years of this. I know that this moment will pass, but I feel like absolute crud right now. I work my ass off just to feel like an idiot in class. Yuck. Granted, I didnt sleep well last night, and I am coming off of drinking too much caffeine during lunch today. But all I want right now is to get an easy job somewhere and go be with (Mitchell).
Going out with everyone tonight is much needed, as is my trip to Milwaukee this weekend. I'll make it through next week. Then the week after. It'll all be fine
I dont often unleash the full furor of my wrath, but I did let go today at the guys at TCF bank. I had just opened an account with them, putting a very large sum of money in an account. I went to access my account online, and it wouldnt let me register... Huh... So I go to a branch office, and it is because the guy who opened my account had misentered my Social Security number. Grrrr... What make it worse, was that I had caught this error when he made it and asked him to correct it. He had not... This was on Monday. I went absolutely ape-shit at the guy at the bank. I think my favorite line was, "So am I to understand that this sort of carelessness with numeric systems is tolerated at this bank?" I made it VERY clear that an error of this proportion would not be tolerated again. The stupid thing was that it was the BRANCH MANAGER who messed up the second time (he had corrected it in one place, but not another). WTF???
So anyway, otherwise things really are good. I am stressed about Grandpa, but dont know what to do about that. I found this AWESOME note taking/organizing software called Microsoft OneNote, and that makes me happy. I had a very pleasant evening last night cooking dinner for Adam and Christina and then playing pool and foosball with Adam while watching Lost. Then had a long conversation with (Mitchell). Good stuff. That stuff is what is going to pull me through.
I can do this.
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