Soooo.... It has been a while since I have written. Much has gone on, but nothing truly of consequence. I am getting life in order before I leave tomorrow for Colorado with a bunch of my law school buddies for our big ski trip. I worked through the New Years holiday, all three nights, and actually had a good time with it. It's nice to get a chunk of change to pay off my Christmas/Ski Trip expenses before I go and spend more money. Frankly, being slightly in the hole helps me stay disciplined with my cash anyway...
Just found out that Dad's girlfriend broke up with him. I know he saw it coming, because it was about an issue that has been troubling them for quite some time, but I know it isnt easy on him. Just adds to my current jaded mindset though: relationships will all eventually hurt you. Through death, cheating, getting left or irreconcilable issues, they all end in pain and misery. Not something I am willing to invest in at the moment.
I went and saw "Pride and Prejudice" with my family while I was home. Predictably, everyone is happy in love at the end. We were walking out of the theater, and all I could think was, "Sure, It's all butterflies and cupcakes until someone shows up at the airport with hickeys on his neck." My father pointed out that the movie took place in 17th century England, and that there were no airports. Completely beside the point.
Being home was good for me though. Not only was I surrounded by the unconditional love of my family, but I got to experience the "hot shit" factor of being home. This is not about me thinking highly of myself, but rather quite the opposite. The boys in Minneapolis are quite difficult to impress. They are looking for rippling one-night stands with giant dicks. I am a cute bartender who just doesnt want to go that route. But back home, people see me as the law school student and admire me for that, and see the truly great boyfriend potential that I hold, and that feels good. The superficial element just doesnt matter as much, because the dating pool is so much more shallow... Typical big fish, small pond sort of scenario.
I talked with a couple people last night about my lack of gay friends. There were a few guys at the bar last night who just started chatting with each other, in a totally non-corousal sort of way. Just talking about politics or some crap. I SOOO wished that I was on the other side of the bar with them. I dont know how to make that happen. I was told by one of the barbacks that people do indeed talk ABOUT me (in a good way) but that they dont feel I am approachable... The other option for me is to sit alone at the bar (mine or elsewhere). One would think that having lived alone and traveled as much as I have, I would be comfortable meeting people that way. But there are usually two outcomes: a) I look/feel like a creep or b) people perceive me as cruising, and totally dont see me as a possible friend.
Granted, all of these are mental barriers that I should get over. It is like the fear of hot guys: being afraid to approach someone for fear of rejection because they are super-cute. When in reality, they want to be approached as much as you do.
Perhaps I should remember one of the gentlemen I saw a last night. He came in alone, left alone, but was easily the hottest guy at the bar. He just sat there drinking his Laphrange on the rocks and was quite friendly. Yet, very much alone. A couple people asked about him, so he was obviously not giving off the creep vibe. And he was just waiting to be talked to.... I can be that guy. I just need to get over this fear of that "third eye" watching me.
One last quick note. I am finally starting to get along well with one of the other bartenders who was driving me nuts. I asked him not to jibe me in front of the patrons, just because it makes me feel awkward, and he seems to be respecting that. The Manager, however, said something pretty shitty to me last night. I guess I dont know what his problem with me is. He has never been very nice. A couple patrons were flattering me about how I was the "best bartender ever" (which I have never held myself out to be, nor desired to be), and I jokingly told them to speak up so my manager might hear, as he was sitting right there. My manager then said something about how, "I know a few who would disagree," trying to bait me. I laughed him off, telling him that you can't please everyone all the time, trying not to show weakness. But it bugged the hell out of me. If someone had complimented his managing style, and I had said the same thing to him, how disrespectful is that? What kind of person needs to drag others down for fun? He and I have already had a discussion about him saying rude things to me... I can keep brushing these things off... But should I have to?
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