The unfrozen heart

Just got home from Anthony and Dan's wedding. It was absolutely amazing, truly probably one of the highlights of my year. It is just something so wonderful to see two people who you love, who love each other, stand up and commit themselves to each other. To see them hand in hand at the altar truly brought tears to my eyes. I was pretty much wiping tears away from the moment they proceeded in till they walked out a happily married couple.

Part of it is the vision of possibility and the hope of having such a ceremony supported by so many friends and family. Dan's grandparents were there, and I got to talk with his grandfather for a little while who said, "I wouldnt want it any other way." They have all welcomed Anthony as a son. God, I can only hope that my grandparents live long enough to show me that sort of affirmation. They love me, but they dont like to talk about the "gay thing." A wedding is just such a wonderful sign from everyone involved that they support the marriage and will be there for both parties through thick and thin.

The party afterward was very fun, and I wish I could have stayed longer, but have to work tomorrow so I snuck out about dusk so as to avoid a) getting too drunk b) hitting on someone I shouldnt have and of course c) staying out too late. Truly, it was less about the party for me and more about the ceremony itself. And it was well worth it.

For me this was a model of the way it is "supposed to be." Surrounded by love, swearing your undying love for someone else, asking God to bless your relationship, and asking all those around you to forever respect and support your marriage. These are the things I want. I want a man who I love so much that I cant bear to let go of his hand as we begin our life together as a married couple. There is also something significant to say about the religious/cutural background of a jewish ceremony: there is so much to fall back on... I definitely respect that.

I have been meaning to write for a little while about the effect that Nebraska has had one me. Not him so much even as the "aspect" of him that gave me hope. While he turned out to be less available than I would have hoped, he reminded me of what it felt to open my heart to someone. And now that its over with him, I find myself thinking again of (Mitchell). We broke up about 9 months ago, after just a short relationship, but truly, truly, if I still had his number in my phone tonight, I would have called him. He was the only man I have ever known who I wanted to forge a life with.

As much as I was all smiles tonight, as this was Anthony and Dan's night and I am beyond happy for them, there is a pretty decent part of me that is phenominally jealous of what they made happen for themselves tonight. Right or wrong, I want it to be my life.

Seeing them both together, now bonded forever, makes the solitude of my own life seem much more stark, much more sad. I learned in Venezuela the difference between being alone and being lonely, but tonight was a bit more on the lonely side. I just want that person to share this all with. (as I type this, I realize why straight chicks are so easy at weddings: this feeling is the entire premise of "The Wedding Crashers")

Nebraska reminded me to the way relationships are supposed to work: not this one night stand shit, but having someone who you know will be there, you know is going to be a part of your life. My heart thawed just a tad. Its a healthy wake up call, as much as it makes me realize my own sadness. I really havent hooked up with anyone since him, and perhaps thats a good thing. Maybe its time to focus on the relationship thing.