It is officially Wednesday. This has become the ultimate hump day for me, since it is my longest day of classes. I was in the law school from 9am till 8:50pm last night. Fun times. And I am still (slightly) behind in one class. But nevertheless. I got home and Adam is settling in. Things are still working out great. I made a fajita burrito, had some espresso vodka, and went to bed. My life is lame.
Talked to Carey last night. She is doing okay. I dont know that she is getting as much help adjusting as I got at Marquette. She seems to be making the classic mistake of clinging to hard to her friends in MI. She'll be fine.
Talked to Dad this morning. Grandpa Thomas has cancer all over. No ideas what that means at the morning, he could have days, he could have years. My point to Dad was that the spots pointed out didnt seem to be vital organs (skin, colon, brain lining), so maybe he can last a while before it starts really killing him. Apparently, at this point Grandpa feels fine. I suppose that I am just clinging to any hope that I can grasp at. Part of this makes me feel worse because I have let such a distance grow between Grandpa T. and I. If it was Grandpa E, at least I would know that he knows how much I enjoy him, and how much he means to me. I am not even sure how strongly I feel about that with Grandpa T.
This sucks. I feel worse for Mae-Mae and Aunt Lise than anything else. I guess I just figured that since God took Mom so early, the rest of our family could stay intact indefinitely. This sucks.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
banks and bus schedules
Today was my first day of class. It was fine. Just fine. I am not yet intimidated. One class was brutally boring. That may be a problem. I sit with some good people though. I am surrounded by students I hung out with during the orientation. Truly though, a majority of my day was spent taking care of the little details that just seem to creep up on you. I had to go to three banks (open an accoun, close an account >>Good riddence USBank<<, and cancel/order some checks. Meanwhile I had to deal with insurance stuff for my eye appointment, another trip to Target, various University business... Biggest thing was meeting with Sara from the Minnesota Justice Foundation. She hooked me up with the Chrysalis placement working with domestic abuse victims. She is totally cool. Very exuberant, and into her work. She made her comfort with GLBT issues so apparent that I came out to her by the end of the meeting. It just wasnt even an issue. She was like the ideal for an employee dealing with these issues. Anyway, there is some concern that I might not be right for the placement because I am a middle-class white male, but Sara is confident in me, so I will be too. Besides, I just have a feeling about this place. Other than that, I have been procratinating hard-core about tomorrow's assignments. Partially I think that i am just in denial. If I can just make it to this weekend... Probably not the right mindset to have for three years.
Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.
Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.
Adam finally is fully moved in. Thus far he is proving to be a great roommate, and I am even getting along with his cat, Jack. Jack has already scarred up my leather chair, and I was mad about that for about 5 minutes, but then got over it. Truly, not that big a deal when you get down to it. And I kinda enjoy the company of another being in the room. I feel like such a loner-geek just going to school then coming home and studying every night.
Okay, I need to get SOMETHING done before I crash tonight.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Entry for May 29, 2005
Tomorrow is my first day of classes. A little scary really, in that I am already behind in my homework. Yuck. Dad has been here since Friday afternoon, and it has been really nice just to chill with him. We haven’t had anything phenomenally big to do, so we have just been cruising around town, having him stretch his knee and me getting to know the city little by little (like all the one-way and restricted streets downtown).
I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:
May 28, 2005
“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:
Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul
Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord
Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)
Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.
And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.
I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.
There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”
As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.
What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.
I have finally set up my new desk, and am starting to get somewhat organized (thank God!) and came across a journal entry that I wrote sitting in the Cigar lounge of a hotel at the end of last May. I was such a ball of nerves. Some of this stuff has worked out eerily well for me. Wow. Only three months ago, this is where I was at:
May 28, 2005
“It’s about 2am (Michigan time… which totally doesn’t count as late) and I simply cant sleep in my hotel room. I am so incredibly wrought with anxiety right now, I just cant suppress the crap running around my head. Normally I have Will or Justine to bounce ideas, worries and thoughts off of. I called Will early this morning to remember what the opposite of felatio is (conelingus). I just couldn’t think of the word and it was driving me nuts. It’s weird, because it is not that I am emotionally lonely, more cognitively lonely. My brain strains not being able to share the processing load. Just being thrown off today by the fact that Ypsilanti (where my ride, Brian, is) is on the wrong end of the trip got me freakin out. The answer was really quite simple, quite evident, but I just panicked having the wrench thrown in that gear. Carey and I are going to drive down there, then she is going to drive back alone. Anyway…just the intensity of Mon-Wed this week has me frazzled:
Mon: 8-9am—drive to Ypsilanti
9-3:30—drive to Milwaukee
4—9pm rent, pack up UHaul, deliver crap to storage (with the possible help of who?)
9pm—3am Work at Fluid
3am—return UHaul
Tues: 10am—empty out remnants of apartment (how?)
4pm—checkout with landlord
Wed: move into Renee Row (what vehicle?)
Anyway, losing my agenda in the middle of all of this definitely does not help. It’s amazing how controlled my neurosis is Just that one thing, not being able to predict and control the hour-by-hour of my life, just drives me nuts.
And on top of all of this, the solitude has me thinking about all of the relationships I voluntarily gave up over the past years. If I had held onto just one of them, I would have someone to coach me through this, someone to help me clean my walls, patch the holes, all the shit that I haven’t had time to think about yet. And to be fair, the moving out process is not easy. Everyone else depended on me, or their parents (all of them had their parents). I don’t even know if I have someone to help me with the big pieces of furniture. If I move my bed out Monday, where do I sleep that night? (the airbed?) See that’s just what I am talking about: these solutions are not difficult but I need to have them processed. And back to boys, I rarely really wish for a relationship anymore, I kinda think one will happen when the time is right, but I think about Brian (esp. Brian bc he is such a sweetie and he will be giving me a ride on Monday) Eric, Griff, TJ, Whatever. And the potentials that got fucked up along the way. Why won’t Jamie come out with me? Why was Brett so dispassionate? I have NOT enjoyed this scene lately. This guy (Mitchell) at the bar has displayed interest, but I don’t know that I want to go through the motions to end at the same disappointment again. Either he won’t meet my expectations, or he will be disappointed once he sees through my bartender façade. Even if it does work, it will ultimately lead to another goodbye at the end of the summer. I am not saying that I won’t do it, but I am saying that I feel pretty hesitant about it.
I am so happy to be in the comfort of family. We all laugh SO hard. There is a joy present that I recognize, but it has been awhile. And when Carey and I would have it, Dad would just not seem congruent with it. Mimi has brought so much life back to our family. I really, really appreciate her. I want to talk to Dad just to let him know that I am getting attached, I am at the point where I don’t want to get hurt if he decides to break up with her. I have never had that present an issue before so I have always sided with him, but I’ve got to let him know that I am now getting emotionally involved. I guess it is just important to talk this shit out now more than ever, since apparently the stuff I keep inside is going to drive me nuts.
There is also a faith issue going on here. This is the first time I have been left alone with my faith and my God since I left the Church. I don’t regret my decision (much) but my prayer life has certainly faltered. It is time to reconnect. That is a good thing. That type of reminder is definitely positive. A reminder to ask God for help, that I can’t do this on my own, that God is present in my friends, that God will provide me with all that I need, that I must ask forgiveness and give thanks for all I am given. Perhaps I will start now…”
As an epilogue to that entry, I must say, Thank GOD for my friends (especially Justine and Danielle) who helped on either end of my move. All I needed to do was ask. That is once again a lesson I am slow to learn: asking friends for help. Justine would do anything for me if I asked it. I shouldn’t be so hesitant to ask.
What I wrote about (Mitchell) is very interesting. They say relationships show up when you are least looking for them. No kidding. But I am so incredibly happy that I gave this one a shot, even after how I was feeling and with the prospect of moving. Is doing the long distance thing hard? Absolutely. Would I do anything differently? Not a chance. Funny how these things work out.
Friday, August 26, 2005
154 nervous law students
Today is the official law school orientation. I have about 15 minutes to write, so this may be short. I barely made it to the program in time (literally one of the last to walk in) and we heard speeches from the dean, one of my future profs, and another guy (memorable, huh?). Not altogether boring.
Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.
I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.
Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.
Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.
Carey called about 5 minutes ago in absolute tears. Poor thing. She is just having that lonely moment when you realize that you are indeed alone. Dad left this morning, all her friends are elsewhere. Now is the time that she is going to realize who she truly is. Not easy though. I remember struggling A LOT freshman year.
I had a dream last night that I couldnt make a flight so I returned to my home in Traverse City to find (Mitchell) in bed with two of his best friends (B&B). It was horrible. I have never had that sort of dream before. Yuck. I still can taste the rancid feeling in my nouth. Wierd. Especially since I know (Mitchell) would never sleep wth either of them, let alone both of them together.
Last night watched network TV. Never realized how satisfying that could be. Cooked an AWESOME dinner for myself. I am so proud! I had gone to the farmer's market yesterday and picked up some home-made tomato basil tortilla shells and some onions (two varieties) and I saw, of all people, Ben Tracy giving a report on a corner. How wierd is that? I had completely forgotten that my "super secret crush" was in the area. He told me to look him up. That would be interesting. He was wearing SO much makeup. Lol. I actually have one of his cousins in my cohort.
Other than that, Wednesday night Ted had me out to his parents place, which was absolutely fantastic. Ted, btw, is the super hot guy in my orientation class. He is totally straight, as am I (officially) and I have never been so graciously welcomed into the "boys club." You know what I am talking about? He has even been insistant that we hang out. Wow. Have i been missing out on this stuff because of coming out to people? I hoep that is not the case.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Hand pressed against the wall
Had a heck of a time getting out of bed this morning. When I did I became obsenely productive, baking cookies for my neighbors (a "get-to-know-you" attempt that really comes more from me wanting to splice into an internet connection) and hanging pictures and organizing what is left in the boxes in my bedroom. Now I am sitting in the Law School computer lab tinkering before class in 20 minutes. Of course, I just discovered that I left my materials for class at home. Grrr. Oh well. I would go and get them, but I am just too lazy.
Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.
I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.
Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)
Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!
Last night I had my first social night out. Went with a group of about 8 people to a british pub and had a few beers, then continued to Ichiban for a rather expensive japanese meal. Cant complain though, because it was worth it just to hang out with other people.
I kinda feel a bit guilty that I lied and told a bunch of them that Justine is my girlfriend. I know that it was necessary, but it reminds me of how shitty being in the closet feels. Although I think that everyone in this group would be cool, its just that Im not ready to disclose that yet. Anyway, it feels awkward. I find myself hyperanalyzing when I talk with my hands or say the words "fabulous" or cross my legs.... Stupid shit like that. I have been talking about that microscope for ages with kids, and now I get to feel it again.
Nonetheless, had a wonderful time, and am going to a house-warming party tonight with one of the girls. I got home and (Mitchell) talked me to sleep... That sounds bad, but it was really quite wonderful. I just laid in bed and pretended he was there next to me. (deep sigh)
Well, I should run and see if I cant scrounge up the cases for today. I can be an idiot some times. Tah!
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Goodbye Lesbians, Goodbye love
Here I be.
It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.
The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.
Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.
It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.
It has indeed been a wild ride to this point. I am now sitting in my Minneapolis apartment, with a majority of my stuff unpacked, and I simply cannot believe that I am actually here, in this moment, staring towards three more years of school after leaving so much comfort and love back in Milwaukee.
The going away party on Friday at Fluid was way fun. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. I made it (haphazardly) to bar close, and then promptly threw up outside of Cage. Nice way to make an exit I suppose. I have so much to be thankful for right now, starting with the incredible friends who have sustained me through this transition and ending with the absolutley perfect weather that I was blessed with this whole last weekend.
Nonetheless, it was intensely difficult saying goodbye to (Mitchell) today. I was exhausted (i almost started crying when I was denied a Target charge card... I was trying to save the 10% on my massive purchase) and I just felt this pressure build in my chest... It is this trouble breathing that makes me feel like I am hyperventilating. I immediately berate myself for being such an emotional prat, but I now find myself avoiding a much needed bed only because I dont want to get into it alone. I dont want to wake up and remember that my boy is not within my reach. I know that this will be good for us... Help us solidify how important we are to each other, but that doesnt mean that I have to like it.
It's kinda funny (and I dont write this just cause I know he is reading it), when we go out, he thinks that I am constantly checking out other guys. The reality is that I really cant imagine enjoying being with anyone else right now. Oh God. Here come the tears. I need to go to bed. More later.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
im such a psycho
He just called. Aparently he was violently ill yesterday, and so that was why things turned out the way they did. He is thinking he may be developing an ulcer or something... But just talkign to him made me feel so much better about the whole thing. He said that thinking of seeing me tonight is just about the only thing that will get him through the day. This is the stuff, the side of him, that I need to see more of, because it friggin melts me when he is like that. It makes me regret freakin out about all this little stuff. Remember why I love him. Anyway... this is going to be okay.
Drink till you cant feel feelings
The word of the day is hangover.
Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.
I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.
Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?
At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.
Yesterday, Christina and I got Chipotle and a bottle of Riesling and enjoyed catching up in my AC while finishing off the bottle. Then she and I went to Rock Bottom for their free beer hour (6-7). A bunch of friends joined us there, including John who is probably one of our nicest regulars at Fluid. Derik was supposed to show, but ended up not. And (Mitchell) also dicked out on me. He couldnt find parking so he just went home. Huh? While I am frusterated by what seems like a passive aggressive move, I am not sure that we would have been able to/comfortable to talk about our issues just then anyway.
I tried my best to just forget about it for the moment and enjoy the friends I was with. Karen, Alli and Alex were there and they always make for a good crowd. After the free beer stopped flowing Christina, John and I all ended up back at Caffrey's and had a few pitchers there. Just chilled. Felt SO good. That bar is like my "home bar." Then over to Murph's for Big Ass Beers, of which I partook too many getting into this fantastic political conversation with one of Nora's friends Eric. (meanwhile Nora wouldnt come out because she had her stats final this morning... cant fail that twice). Anywho, by the time the night was over for me I was having trouble standing up. But that is the beauty of these bars: I can always just stumble my way home.
Today I slept till 1pm, have been catching up on some of my shows, and thinking a lot about (Mitchell). I just dont really know what to do. I have a feeling that I am being overly... something... and maybe my expectations are too high. I dont know though. Will this be something that solves itself once I leave, or will this get worse. I have already talked to him about not feeling any affection from him. Can I change my needs enough to meet him half way? Is that fair to expect of myself?
At this point I am tired of being ticked. I am usually SO easy going, and I dont like walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I am going to call my father. Maybe he'll have some wise words. Justine already got an earfull yesterday. I felt bad for unloading on her. Alas, we all have our moments.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I dont orgasm enough? You're telling me!
Okay. I am frusterated. Sexually. And grumpy. Perhaps tired too. I will probably delete this post tomorrow. But I am in a real funk with (Mitchell). It has been forever since he has expressed any sexual desire towards me, and I feel like my advances (and there are many) are constantly being turned down. What the fuck does this take?
At this point, it is Wednesday, and I have been with him straight since Saturday (when we did have sex... but only because I took a taxi to see him after he was too tired to meet me out... this is what I am talking about). Am I a horn-ball because I am 23? Perhaps. But it would help if he just showed SOME interest. I am not ready to go to the sleeping-buddy relationship this early in a relationship. He told me this whole porn thing last night that got me all revved up. About how the ONE night I had to work he had a giant libido. Oh, and another porn thing. We get home, and nothing. In fact he wouldnt even show me the one thing he was flaunting in my face at the bar. I dont get it. I feel like I am being played with.
Christina is in town for a couple days, and she and I came to the conclusion that he obviously needs to want me more. I derive that I need to spend fewer nights in his bed. Now, this is a shitty conclusion to come to 9 days before I move away from him, but at this point I am not getting any anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have been enjoying the easy escape from my apartment and the drama that comes with it by staying over-much at (Mitchell's).
We had our first tiff on Friday about me feeling like I was the only one who was showing any passion for the relationship. It really was more about emotion, but I guess that it also extends to sexual passion. I want to be with someone who wants me. I woke up this morning alone in his bed (this was after he passed out immediately last night after I DDed back from Madison). At first I imagined that he was making me breakfast or something sweet like that. No beans. He didnt feel well. Okay, I can be the good, understanding boyfriend about that... Fair enough... But when do I see the "good boyfriend" in return?
I have never had this become an issue in my past relationships. The sex was always just there. I never had to feel like I was fighting against lesbian bed-death. Maybe it's because I am NOT A LESBIAN! I am a 23-year-old gay male. One who is used to being appreciated for his looks, (dont ask me when was the last time he complimented me on something... the answer might be: never) (I got a hair cut yesterday... not one word from him... come ON! even my straight friends say the "nice haircut" thing... nothing) (aniversary #2) (normally I dont keep track of these things, but they are really starting to irritate me). One who is used to the availability of sex not being begged for. I mean, the number of telephone numbers I get on a Friday night at work... Anyway.
Okay. I Love him. I have said that. I will continue to say that. But this shit has got to get worked out, especially before I leave, because the last thing I want is to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. There is so much I adore about this guy... I just wish that he EXPRESSED those same feelings.
At this point, it is Wednesday, and I have been with him straight since Saturday (when we did have sex... but only because I took a taxi to see him after he was too tired to meet me out... this is what I am talking about). Am I a horn-ball because I am 23? Perhaps. But it would help if he just showed SOME interest. I am not ready to go to the sleeping-buddy relationship this early in a relationship. He told me this whole porn thing last night that got me all revved up. About how the ONE night I had to work he had a giant libido. Oh, and another porn thing. We get home, and nothing. In fact he wouldnt even show me the one thing he was flaunting in my face at the bar. I dont get it. I feel like I am being played with.
Christina is in town for a couple days, and she and I came to the conclusion that he obviously needs to want me more. I derive that I need to spend fewer nights in his bed. Now, this is a shitty conclusion to come to 9 days before I move away from him, but at this point I am not getting any anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I have been enjoying the easy escape from my apartment and the drama that comes with it by staying over-much at (Mitchell's).
We had our first tiff on Friday about me feeling like I was the only one who was showing any passion for the relationship. It really was more about emotion, but I guess that it also extends to sexual passion. I want to be with someone who wants me. I woke up this morning alone in his bed (this was after he passed out immediately last night after I DDed back from Madison). At first I imagined that he was making me breakfast or something sweet like that. No beans. He didnt feel well. Okay, I can be the good, understanding boyfriend about that... Fair enough... But when do I see the "good boyfriend" in return?
I have never had this become an issue in my past relationships. The sex was always just there. I never had to feel like I was fighting against lesbian bed-death. Maybe it's because I am NOT A LESBIAN! I am a 23-year-old gay male. One who is used to being appreciated for his looks, (dont ask me when was the last time he complimented me on something... the answer might be: never) (I got a hair cut yesterday... not one word from him... come ON! even my straight friends say the "nice haircut" thing... nothing) (aniversary #2) (normally I dont keep track of these things, but they are really starting to irritate me). One who is used to the availability of sex not being begged for. I mean, the number of telephone numbers I get on a Friday night at work... Anyway.
Okay. I Love him. I have said that. I will continue to say that. But this shit has got to get worked out, especially before I leave, because the last thing I want is to leave with a bad taste in my mouth. There is so much I adore about this guy... I just wish that he EXPRESSED those same feelings.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Last night with Brian
Last night was my final shift with Brian. We have been working Mondays together for about a year, and since he is going to San Diego for softball, last night was it. Neither he or I are patently emotional people, but both of us recognized how much we are going to miss working together. We were kinda the perfect mix, being able to laugh and bitch to each other. He and I are SO much alike deep down, and I will definitely miss sitting up after bar close and chatting. Last night we were at the bar until 5am. I kinda have to laugh too, because as much as I am sad to leave, he is saddder because now he has to work with an employee he abhors. At least I know that I will be missed.
I am getting to the point where I am doing a lot of things "for the last time." I know I have been to this emotional place before with Spain, Venezuela, and even back home, but I have spent a majority of my adult life here. The memories I have made in little ole Milwaukee are not only substantial but also formulative. I am trying to make those last minute stops to say goodbye to the mentors and friends that are still around this summer, and I REALLY need to start writing those thank you notes I have been thinking about all summer.
What was really cool about last night's shift (which FLEW by in a most uncharacteristic way) was that I started a "recommendation form" for patrons to sign and add comments. Not only did I get some phenominally flattering feedback which made me feel a bit overwhelmed by the show of support, I must have had 6 people tell me that they had connections in Minneapolis that they would be sure to hook me up with. Brian is talking about coming to Minneapolis with Damien sometime early September specifically to help find me a job with his contacts.If I could just get into a spot for two happy hour shifts a week, just to get my foot in the door, I would be SUCH a happy camper.
It has been a long time since I wrote. I have been all over the place busy, but there has been a ton of stuff going on. I last left off with my trip to Chicago. I had lunch with Justine and we sat and just chatted. It is always so nice with her: it doesnt need to be exciting, we dont have to DO anything, we were just able to sit and be together. I love her for that. She seemed at a better spot emotionally with her job, which made me feel very relieved. After lunch I bought her a jade plant for her desk, and then had to deal with security at her building for like half and hour just trying to get it to her. Geez... But I had nowhere else to be, so it was nice to have that luxury.
From there I meandored downtown and ended up at a Borders where i stuck around while rain started pouring outside. Milwaukee and Chicago have had like zero rain this summer, and apparently it all decided to come down at once trapping me at Borders and then later in a Wrigleyville Cubs bar where i awkwardly stood and waited for John Lynch to pick me up. He and I ended up hanging out at one of the local watering holes catching up and drinking, then went to this AWESOME pasta joint (cheap and great) where Kim joined up with us. John and I were going on and on about Ben Stockwell proposing to Lauren Wakefield, his 8th grade girlfriend. At one point we called Ben and I havent talked to him in over a year, but he jokingly (?) mentioned something about me throwing Lauren a party. I laughed and reminded Ben that I hadnt seen the girl in literally 9 years. That shit is wierd to think about. Ben? Getting married? Who would have thought he would have been the first? The wedding is going to be in Florida this next May. Well, it certainly will be an exciting trip. My thought is that Anna, Sarah, John and I should all take a road trip out there. Our dates can fly. Wouldnt that be unreal?
Anyway, after a fun night that ended early enough to remind me how old i am getting, with an amusing stop at a convenience store, the next day Kim and I went to boystown, just to dick around. Didnt really do anything major, but I had never spent one-on-one time with her before, and it was nice. Ended up eating like fat kids at the IHOP and then grabbing a couple beers at Roscoes.
Next I took a (long-ass) train to Aurora to hang out with Will. Again, as with Justine, we didnt do anything phenominally exciting, but it was just good to chill with him for a bit. He just had gotten a restaurant job, and is already feeling a bit above it, but whatever. It's very temporary for him. God I pray that he gets into the Peace Corp. We went to go see "Hustle and Flow" which was really quite good. The acting was astounding. Good stuff. Some teenagers tried to pick a fight with us outside the theater about literally nothing. Go to bed kids. Whatever.
I woke up REALLY early the next morning so that I could go and spend much of the day with (Mitchell). He had been dissapointed that I had taken off on him for three days, and since Will had to work anyway, I figured that I could still get some time in with my boy.
So, that is my Chicago trip, which brings me to the Detroit trip with (Mitchell), our first tiff, him finding this blog, him saying "I love you" back to me... All sorts of good stuff that will just have to wait. Oh, but that Liz Phair lyric I love is:
Isnt this the best part of (waking)* up, finding someone else you just can't get enough of; Someone who wants to be with you too.
*Being the dumbass that I am, I didnt realize the lyric was "breakin up," instead I thought it was "wakin up." I like my version better. Deal with it.
I am getting to the point where I am doing a lot of things "for the last time." I know I have been to this emotional place before with Spain, Venezuela, and even back home, but I have spent a majority of my adult life here. The memories I have made in little ole Milwaukee are not only substantial but also formulative. I am trying to make those last minute stops to say goodbye to the mentors and friends that are still around this summer, and I REALLY need to start writing those thank you notes I have been thinking about all summer.
What was really cool about last night's shift (which FLEW by in a most uncharacteristic way) was that I started a "recommendation form" for patrons to sign and add comments. Not only did I get some phenominally flattering feedback which made me feel a bit overwhelmed by the show of support, I must have had 6 people tell me that they had connections in Minneapolis that they would be sure to hook me up with. Brian is talking about coming to Minneapolis with Damien sometime early September specifically to help find me a job with his contacts.If I could just get into a spot for two happy hour shifts a week, just to get my foot in the door, I would be SUCH a happy camper.
It has been a long time since I wrote. I have been all over the place busy, but there has been a ton of stuff going on. I last left off with my trip to Chicago. I had lunch with Justine and we sat and just chatted. It is always so nice with her: it doesnt need to be exciting, we dont have to DO anything, we were just able to sit and be together. I love her for that. She seemed at a better spot emotionally with her job, which made me feel very relieved. After lunch I bought her a jade plant for her desk, and then had to deal with security at her building for like half and hour just trying to get it to her. Geez... But I had nowhere else to be, so it was nice to have that luxury.
From there I meandored downtown and ended up at a Borders where i stuck around while rain started pouring outside. Milwaukee and Chicago have had like zero rain this summer, and apparently it all decided to come down at once trapping me at Borders and then later in a Wrigleyville Cubs bar where i awkwardly stood and waited for John Lynch to pick me up. He and I ended up hanging out at one of the local watering holes catching up and drinking, then went to this AWESOME pasta joint (cheap and great) where Kim joined up with us. John and I were going on and on about Ben Stockwell proposing to Lauren Wakefield, his 8th grade girlfriend. At one point we called Ben and I havent talked to him in over a year, but he jokingly (?) mentioned something about me throwing Lauren a party. I laughed and reminded Ben that I hadnt seen the girl in literally 9 years. That shit is wierd to think about. Ben? Getting married? Who would have thought he would have been the first? The wedding is going to be in Florida this next May. Well, it certainly will be an exciting trip. My thought is that Anna, Sarah, John and I should all take a road trip out there. Our dates can fly. Wouldnt that be unreal?
Anyway, after a fun night that ended early enough to remind me how old i am getting, with an amusing stop at a convenience store, the next day Kim and I went to boystown, just to dick around. Didnt really do anything major, but I had never spent one-on-one time with her before, and it was nice. Ended up eating like fat kids at the IHOP and then grabbing a couple beers at Roscoes.
Next I took a (long-ass) train to Aurora to hang out with Will. Again, as with Justine, we didnt do anything phenominally exciting, but it was just good to chill with him for a bit. He just had gotten a restaurant job, and is already feeling a bit above it, but whatever. It's very temporary for him. God I pray that he gets into the Peace Corp. We went to go see "Hustle and Flow" which was really quite good. The acting was astounding. Good stuff. Some teenagers tried to pick a fight with us outside the theater about literally nothing. Go to bed kids. Whatever.
I woke up REALLY early the next morning so that I could go and spend much of the day with (Mitchell). He had been dissapointed that I had taken off on him for three days, and since Will had to work anyway, I figured that I could still get some time in with my boy.
So, that is my Chicago trip, which brings me to the Detroit trip with (Mitchell), our first tiff, him finding this blog, him saying "I love you" back to me... All sorts of good stuff that will just have to wait. Oh, but that Liz Phair lyric I love is:
Isnt this the best part of (waking)* up, finding someone else you just can't get enough of; Someone who wants to be with you too.
*Being the dumbass that I am, I didnt realize the lyric was "breakin up," instead I thought it was "wakin up." I like my version better. Deal with it.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Yawn... Friday... So begins my work week
Just sitting around. Bradley is picking me up in a few so I can lend him a hand with his moving... I dont have anything else to do, so why the hell not. Chicago was perfect. I was glad to be back home in (Mitchell's) arms when all was said and done though. Wierd how I can miss someone who wasnt even a part of my life only months ago. Anyway, the Chicago update will have to come later, because I need to shower, if only to wake my ass up.
Oh... And Ben Stockwell is getting married to his 8th grade girlfriend. We all are freaking out a little about that. More later.
Oh... And Ben Stockwell is getting married to his 8th grade girlfriend. We all are freaking out a little about that. More later.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
the same as Ang!
| the Cutting Edge |
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't in and of themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi |
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid |
Sunday, July 24, 2005
It's all coming together (o-staff style)
Well then. An exciting couple of days I guess. (Mitchell) and I exchanged turns being drunk off our asses. More on that in a minute. I heard back from my new landlord about (Abram) living with me. Apparently they cant approve him as a tenant, but have approved him as an "occupant": the exact situation I wanted in the first place. My name is the only one on the lease, but he gets to live with me. Nice. Cindy, from the rental company, is also allowing us to pro-rate the month of August, which is going to save me a ton of cash. Nice 2x. So that is all good news. I got my packet from the law school, with my schedule of classes, bought a few books online, so it feels like I am really going to be going. Wierd.
So then. Thursday night I ended up going out with Derik, and later with his BF Phil. Derik and I started drinking at Woody's at 6pm. Then hit Walker's Pint, then Fluid, then Triangle. We then waited for (Mitchell) to come out and meet us at the amature strip show at Cage (HORRID!!!). The soft-core porn videos that were playing at Triangle were just too much. Anyway, Derik and I had been talking about this "l-word" thing, and he was egging me on just to "go for it." So while I was mediocrely intoxicated at Cage I decided then was the time. I looked at (Mitchell) and said, "I think I am falling in love with you." as tears came streaming down my face.
A couple quick notes: I have only said "love" to one other bf in my life. I have NEVER cried over a guy. So this was a rare moment. To be honest, I dont quite recall ohw he reacted. But later, after he drove us home, he and I were getting it on, and I had to stop and once again confess my love. Again, tears coming down my face... I had made this whole drunken conversation about, "If I feel something this strongly, I shoudl tell you, even if I might be wrong, and even if you dont like it... blah blah blah..." (Mitchell) actually kinda aggreed with me at that point, so then I said it again. "I love you." His only reaction was, "So now you are sure of it?"
I got out of the car the next morning, very hung over, and just kept saying, "oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no." That went on for about 5 minutes. I was sure that I would never see (Mitchell) again. But the reality was that things have returned substantially to normal, and I think we are going to ignore the whole episode for now. He and I had breakfast on Saturday and he was talking about (his) moving to Minneapolis and stuff, so I think that I havent detered him too much at least. And to be honest, I feel a bit relieved to have gotten my feelings off my chest.
I also want to make it clear that I am NOT dissapointed that he didnt reciprocate. The last thing that I would want is him to feel like he had to say it just cause I did. In fact, i might feel it was disingenuous.
My favorite part is that I called Christina Mahady to get her advice (J was at work) and she said this, "You have just rocked my world. You are the absolute last person I would ever think of to do the drunken 'I Love U.' This guy must mean a ton to you, because this is SO very out of character for you."
Exactly.
So then. Thursday night I ended up going out with Derik, and later with his BF Phil. Derik and I started drinking at Woody's at 6pm. Then hit Walker's Pint, then Fluid, then Triangle. We then waited for (Mitchell) to come out and meet us at the amature strip show at Cage (HORRID!!!). The soft-core porn videos that were playing at Triangle were just too much. Anyway, Derik and I had been talking about this "l-word" thing, and he was egging me on just to "go for it." So while I was mediocrely intoxicated at Cage I decided then was the time. I looked at (Mitchell) and said, "I think I am falling in love with you." as tears came streaming down my face.
A couple quick notes: I have only said "love" to one other bf in my life. I have NEVER cried over a guy. So this was a rare moment. To be honest, I dont quite recall ohw he reacted. But later, after he drove us home, he and I were getting it on, and I had to stop and once again confess my love. Again, tears coming down my face... I had made this whole drunken conversation about, "If I feel something this strongly, I shoudl tell you, even if I might be wrong, and even if you dont like it... blah blah blah..." (Mitchell) actually kinda aggreed with me at that point, so then I said it again. "I love you." His only reaction was, "So now you are sure of it?"
I got out of the car the next morning, very hung over, and just kept saying, "oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no." That went on for about 5 minutes. I was sure that I would never see (Mitchell) again. But the reality was that things have returned substantially to normal, and I think we are going to ignore the whole episode for now. He and I had breakfast on Saturday and he was talking about (his) moving to Minneapolis and stuff, so I think that I havent detered him too much at least. And to be honest, I feel a bit relieved to have gotten my feelings off my chest.
I also want to make it clear that I am NOT dissapointed that he didnt reciprocate. The last thing that I would want is him to feel like he had to say it just cause I did. In fact, i might feel it was disingenuous.
My favorite part is that I called Christina Mahady to get her advice (J was at work) and she said this, "You have just rocked my world. You are the absolute last person I would ever think of to do the drunken 'I Love U.' This guy must mean a ton to you, because this is SO very out of character for you."
Exactly.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
like some liz phair song
Hung out with Natalie and Nora last night. It felt good to catch up with them and just chill. Felt like old times hanging out at Caffrey's. (Mitchell) came with me, and they really seemed to like him. Good times. Before that I took him to Sobelman's... I missed that place. Justine called while we were there, and I gave herr two guesses where we were. She got it on the first try. Eerrie how well she knows me.
Other than that, the weather has been crap the last couple of days, so I have felt less guilty about reading Harry Potter and rewatching all 3 movies. Got to get my slothiness in now, because I am going to get my ass kicked soon enough! I just got my orientation packet for UST, and it is just a tad overwhelming to have to think about. I bought a few books today online. The rest will have to wait till I get there.
Things with (Mitchell) are still going incredibly. He is still nervous about our trip to Detroit with my family, but I am totally not. Carey and Dad will love him. Less than a month now before I leave. But (Mitchell) and I went on our second date (lol) on Monday, and we went to Mo's for steaks and then sat at the lakefront watching the moon shimmer off the lake. It was wonderful. But during dinner we talked a little bit about orchestrating the long-distance thing. We each try to visit the other once a month. Which means we see each other two weekends a month. I can totally work that. My only concern is still then fitting family into that... If I take all my breaks visiting (Mitchell), how do I work the family thing? Part of me feels like I could spend one semester a little more seperated from Dad and Carey than usual, but I am not sure i want to do that. We'll have to see.
Anyway, that 2nd date was beautiful, and I just felt so... perfect with (Mitchell). There was a Liz Phair song that we were listening to this morning that made such sense... Being with someone who is amazed by you as you are with them... It is usually one sided: some guy very taken with me, and I totally am not feeling it. Very much not the case this time.
Okay, time to move on... I wish I had more to report, but my life is boring. That's all Ive got at the moment... A month now...
Other than that, the weather has been crap the last couple of days, so I have felt less guilty about reading Harry Potter and rewatching all 3 movies. Got to get my slothiness in now, because I am going to get my ass kicked soon enough! I just got my orientation packet for UST, and it is just a tad overwhelming to have to think about. I bought a few books today online. The rest will have to wait till I get there.
Things with (Mitchell) are still going incredibly. He is still nervous about our trip to Detroit with my family, but I am totally not. Carey and Dad will love him. Less than a month now before I leave. But (Mitchell) and I went on our second date (lol) on Monday, and we went to Mo's for steaks and then sat at the lakefront watching the moon shimmer off the lake. It was wonderful. But during dinner we talked a little bit about orchestrating the long-distance thing. We each try to visit the other once a month. Which means we see each other two weekends a month. I can totally work that. My only concern is still then fitting family into that... If I take all my breaks visiting (Mitchell), how do I work the family thing? Part of me feels like I could spend one semester a little more seperated from Dad and Carey than usual, but I am not sure i want to do that. We'll have to see.
Anyway, that 2nd date was beautiful, and I just felt so... perfect with (Mitchell). There was a Liz Phair song that we were listening to this morning that made such sense... Being with someone who is amazed by you as you are with them... It is usually one sided: some guy very taken with me, and I totally am not feeling it. Very much not the case this time.
Okay, time to move on... I wish I had more to report, but my life is boring. That's all Ive got at the moment... A month now...
Thursday, July 14, 2005
He said he'll cry when I leave...
So I lounged around all day yesterday, too lazy even to go get food. I had (Mitchell) pick me up a sandwich from his work. Yeah! Anyway, it was totally just a chill day and at about 10pm, he picked me up to go to a party at a friend's house. The party was pretty chill, just laid back, and most of the other people were kids (literally) from his work. I was just happy that he was comfortable being with me around them.
There is this one poor girl who is SO socially awkward, she just needs someone to take her under their wing. She was talking to me for all of 60 seconds before she spits out that she is "bi." Seemed like she was just itching to tell someone. Unfortunatley, this chick is so awkward (and a light-weight drunk) she is not particularly well liked at work. She is 18, from a po-dunk town, and hasnt learned to express herself properly. What a hard time in life.
(Mitchell's) ex kept calling all night, and turns out he stopped by the house while we were out. I also got to hear about some of (Mitchell's) past hookups with our aquiantances. I was completely cool with all of it, honestly. I just was glad to know, rather than being kept in the dark. Always good to know who has seen your boyfriend's penis, right?
We were all sitting around outside and another friend started talking about his upcoming move, and (Mitchell) whispers in my ear: "When you move, I am going to cry. And I dont do that." I was seriously touched. It was important for me to hear that. I have been taking this relationship very seriously, and he is usually kinda coy about that whole thing. That sort of confirmation makes me know we are on the same wavelength. At this point, the plan is for my last night of work to be on August 19th, we pack up that day beforehand, and then make the drive the next day, partying in Minneapolis with him and his friends for two nights, before they return here on the 22 (the day i start my Orientation). The logistics of moving are a bit overwhelming, especially since different factors keep interfereing with otherwise good ideas. (ie. Will doesnt have a hitch, and I am in Detroit when I could load up Katherine's truck. no good.)
Well, I need to start moving to get on the way for this weekend's super-secret trip. Hope all goes well.
There is this one poor girl who is SO socially awkward, she just needs someone to take her under their wing. She was talking to me for all of 60 seconds before she spits out that she is "bi." Seemed like she was just itching to tell someone. Unfortunatley, this chick is so awkward (and a light-weight drunk) she is not particularly well liked at work. She is 18, from a po-dunk town, and hasnt learned to express herself properly. What a hard time in life.
(Mitchell's) ex kept calling all night, and turns out he stopped by the house while we were out. I also got to hear about some of (Mitchell's) past hookups with our aquiantances. I was completely cool with all of it, honestly. I just was glad to know, rather than being kept in the dark. Always good to know who has seen your boyfriend's penis, right?
We were all sitting around outside and another friend started talking about his upcoming move, and (Mitchell) whispers in my ear: "When you move, I am going to cry. And I dont do that." I was seriously touched. It was important for me to hear that. I have been taking this relationship very seriously, and he is usually kinda coy about that whole thing. That sort of confirmation makes me know we are on the same wavelength. At this point, the plan is for my last night of work to be on August 19th, we pack up that day beforehand, and then make the drive the next day, partying in Minneapolis with him and his friends for two nights, before they return here on the 22 (the day i start my Orientation). The logistics of moving are a bit overwhelming, especially since different factors keep interfereing with otherwise good ideas. (ie. Will doesnt have a hitch, and I am in Detroit when I could load up Katherine's truck. no good.)
Well, I need to start moving to get on the way for this weekend's super-secret trip. Hope all goes well.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
too much fun
Will came to town yesterday, and I had a blast with him. The day started out fantastic, waking up to a lazy day with (Mitchell) and lounging around with him until he had to work at 5pm. It was the perfect way to spend a colder, rainy day: watching the Stepford Wives with my boy. I could have sat there forever with him. He had picked me up at like 3:30 in the morning after I had ridden my bike home from work. The shift had been very high tension, partially because my boss wrote this DRAMA note that was pretty overkill about us using the bar as a storage facility. Sure, I had kept my bike in the basement for 2 nights, but that was unusual. If he had asked me, I would have moved it immediately. Instead we get this note that was way terse. Anyway. Then someone who was a regular in the scene died, so it was like this negative energy filled the bar as the news spread. Brian needed to take a couple minutes, which I TOTALLY respected.
One of Franco's dick friends grabbed my cock as I was coming up from the basement. I reacted farely violently, and made it VERY clear that he was never to touch me again. Anyway, then all the other coked out queens started in on me, and I wasnt having much of it. I didnt react as I would have wanted to, but I was about to lose it. Anyway, getting to go home to (Mitchell) at the end of an otherwise tense night was wonderful.
So Will picked me up at Culver's just after 5pm, and we went to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith with his two friends Katie and Ryan. Fun crowd. Decent movie. Then Will and I went to Mel's and had a really really good night. Just chilled, played darts, drank a lot (!!) and Will even got (Mitchell) to come and join us. That just put this dumb, idiotic smile on my face the entire time. It was just good to be with my old buddy, and my hot boyfriend. Really made me smile.
A friend of a friend who is also going to St. Thomas is allowing me to through some of my bigger things in her Uhaul. Fuck yeah! Dad also offered to give me a good bunch of money to help me move, since it looks like he cant help. I am glad that is all coming together. I gave (Mitchell) the dates of my moving and departure, and he really looked saddened. I guess this is where things get interesting.
I kept talking to Will about the L-word. I talked with my favorite bartender EVER, Hilary, at Caffrey's last night and she seemed to think that because all my previous affections have been returned whole-heartedly, I am safe to say the WORD without (Mitchell) getting overwhelmed. Still though, I think I want to wait until the move. Just cause. Enough thinkin about that.
Nothing else much to report. I am trying to catch up on some news, since i feel like I have been totally disconnected lately. I didnt even know there was a hurricane hitting florida this last week. Anyway, time to go.
One of Franco's dick friends grabbed my cock as I was coming up from the basement. I reacted farely violently, and made it VERY clear that he was never to touch me again. Anyway, then all the other coked out queens started in on me, and I wasnt having much of it. I didnt react as I would have wanted to, but I was about to lose it. Anyway, getting to go home to (Mitchell) at the end of an otherwise tense night was wonderful.
So Will picked me up at Culver's just after 5pm, and we went to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith with his two friends Katie and Ryan. Fun crowd. Decent movie. Then Will and I went to Mel's and had a really really good night. Just chilled, played darts, drank a lot (!!) and Will even got (Mitchell) to come and join us. That just put this dumb, idiotic smile on my face the entire time. It was just good to be with my old buddy, and my hot boyfriend. Really made me smile.
A friend of a friend who is also going to St. Thomas is allowing me to through some of my bigger things in her Uhaul. Fuck yeah! Dad also offered to give me a good bunch of money to help me move, since it looks like he cant help. I am glad that is all coming together. I gave (Mitchell) the dates of my moving and departure, and he really looked saddened. I guess this is where things get interesting.
I kept talking to Will about the L-word. I talked with my favorite bartender EVER, Hilary, at Caffrey's last night and she seemed to think that because all my previous affections have been returned whole-heartedly, I am safe to say the WORD without (Mitchell) getting overwhelmed. Still though, I think I want to wait until the move. Just cause. Enough thinkin about that.
Nothing else much to report. I am trying to catch up on some news, since i feel like I have been totally disconnected lately. I didnt even know there was a hurricane hitting florida this last week. Anyway, time to go.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Ready to Go
Saw Collective Soul last night with Karl. Then went back to (Mitchell's) house. They had cleaned. Unreal! It looked great. Then watched a "Hide and Seek" which would have been way better if I hadnt just watched "High Intensity" which also focuses on multiple personality killers. Anyway, kinda the perfect night. I stay up FAR too late with (Mitchell) but I dont know that I ever regret it. ;-) For whatever reason, our kisses seemed even more passionate than normal yesterday. I am SO in _______. You fill in the blanks, becuase I cant.
Other than that, work has been a little lame. I feel like I am just treading water until it is time to go. This would be the point when I would normally get bored and quit. I am definitely feeling the effects of no longer being "novelty" around the bar. The flirting just isnt as effective as it was. Ah well.
A little roommate tension. (David) is a bit more neurotic than I think I can appreciate. Whatever... I spend all of 20 minutes in the apartment every week. I am so outie.
I have to go play tennis now. I hope I do okay. No more getting beat by a fifty year old. Ha!
Other than that, work has been a little lame. I feel like I am just treading water until it is time to go. This would be the point when I would normally get bored and quit. I am definitely feeling the effects of no longer being "novelty" around the bar. The flirting just isnt as effective as it was. Ah well.
A little roommate tension. (David) is a bit more neurotic than I think I can appreciate. Whatever... I spend all of 20 minutes in the apartment every week. I am so outie.
I have to go play tennis now. I hope I do okay. No more getting beat by a fifty year old. Ha!
Friday, July 08, 2005
Check me out!
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Out of Milk
Got home this morning (yes... I spent the night at (Mitchell's)) and discovered that my apartment is out of milk... And toilet paper... I guess that I havent spent that much time here lately. Its just a place where I nap in the middle of the day, really. Anyway, I should probably go and buy some things for the house.
So, yesterday I was sitting at Jazz in the Park with (Mitchell) and I realized that it was one month to the day since our first date. I ran off to the Metro Mart and bought him a dozen roses. I am not sure how much he appreciated them, but his friends thought it was sweet. Plus, I did it more so that i could let him know that it was important to me.... He also said something to me that meant a lot.
The story is that last weekend I got very drunk at Triangle flirting with Topher and Chad (two of the employees) and drinking Jaeger in a shirt that the owner gave me. The Bag Boyz leader stood us up (again) and so that was a bit of drama. (I quit) Anyway, when I went home with (Mitchell) *and I dont even remember how we got back* I guess that I disclosed to him my "long-term hope" -- the idea that I had been thinking up about if things kept going ideally for the two of us. Essentially: Keep dating till I leave, try the long-distance thing until about December, then have him move to Minneapolis, propose by June... Have kids in two years...
I know, I know... It is absolutely insane for me to be thinking like this. I know that. It is even further insanity that I decided to share this idea with (Mitchell) this early on. But back to last night at Jazz... (Mitchell) brought it up while we were lounging together, and I was a little embarassed. I asked him if he thought it was intimidating. He said, "No, the only thing I thought was wierd was that I talked to Kristin about that in Chicago (the weekend before) and said almost the exact same things." Wow. I mean Wow.
So then, the only other major development is that I almost had an episode of infidelity. Granted, (Mitchell) and I have made it clear that what we have is "open" and that fooling around with others isnt really "cheating" as long as we are being honest with each others. Anywho... I was bartending Tuesday night, and this total hottie came in and he and I started flirting. Hawaiian speed-skater. Real well-built. He gave me his number and wanted to screw around after my shift. Just the thought was making me hard. But I just felt that screwing around on my new boyfriend at this point would just be a bad sign for the future. Fortunately, my boss, Bill kinda saved me because he and I sat around after my shift and had some beers, just chatting. That was extremely nice, and he said some very flattering things that I had never heard from him before. He also essentially asked me to keep an eye out for my replacement. So, I didnt end up calling the Hawaiian until 4:30am. No answer. Well that works out well in the long run.
Then the Hawaiian and I text messaged all day, and I still hadnt mentioned my BF... He wanted me to join him at Summerfest. I ended up going to dinner at Dr. Dempsey's with another friend, who then I hooked up with the Hawaiian at Summerfest. Long story short--- I hooked up a friend and got myself off of the hook. But that was the second time in a week that I had narrowly avoided screwing around.
Last night I was so happy that I could look into (Mitchell's) deep brown eyes with no remorse, with no guilt, knowing that I could hold him close and know I am strong enough for the future. Even while he was heckling me for bedding up with a straight guy the night before... I was proud that I had behaved, yet relieved that (Mitchell) would have been okay if I hadnt.
So, this is my life. I feel like this month is already flying by. Next weekend I go home for Dad's 50th. (Mitchell) might come. I can only hope.
Oh, and P.S.... I was VERY drunk when I wrote that "love" entry.
P.P.S. I am starting to get nervous about the lifestyle change that law school is going to require. And yet, I kinda want to get a blue mohawk just to shake things up.
So, yesterday I was sitting at Jazz in the Park with (Mitchell) and I realized that it was one month to the day since our first date. I ran off to the Metro Mart and bought him a dozen roses. I am not sure how much he appreciated them, but his friends thought it was sweet. Plus, I did it more so that i could let him know that it was important to me.... He also said something to me that meant a lot.
The story is that last weekend I got very drunk at Triangle flirting with Topher and Chad (two of the employees) and drinking Jaeger in a shirt that the owner gave me. The Bag Boyz leader stood us up (again) and so that was a bit of drama. (I quit) Anyway, when I went home with (Mitchell) *and I dont even remember how we got back* I guess that I disclosed to him my "long-term hope" -- the idea that I had been thinking up about if things kept going ideally for the two of us. Essentially: Keep dating till I leave, try the long-distance thing until about December, then have him move to Minneapolis, propose by June... Have kids in two years...
I know, I know... It is absolutely insane for me to be thinking like this. I know that. It is even further insanity that I decided to share this idea with (Mitchell) this early on. But back to last night at Jazz... (Mitchell) brought it up while we were lounging together, and I was a little embarassed. I asked him if he thought it was intimidating. He said, "No, the only thing I thought was wierd was that I talked to Kristin about that in Chicago (the weekend before) and said almost the exact same things." Wow. I mean Wow.
So then, the only other major development is that I almost had an episode of infidelity. Granted, (Mitchell) and I have made it clear that what we have is "open" and that fooling around with others isnt really "cheating" as long as we are being honest with each others. Anywho... I was bartending Tuesday night, and this total hottie came in and he and I started flirting. Hawaiian speed-skater. Real well-built. He gave me his number and wanted to screw around after my shift. Just the thought was making me hard. But I just felt that screwing around on my new boyfriend at this point would just be a bad sign for the future. Fortunately, my boss, Bill kinda saved me because he and I sat around after my shift and had some beers, just chatting. That was extremely nice, and he said some very flattering things that I had never heard from him before. He also essentially asked me to keep an eye out for my replacement. So, I didnt end up calling the Hawaiian until 4:30am. No answer. Well that works out well in the long run.
Then the Hawaiian and I text messaged all day, and I still hadnt mentioned my BF... He wanted me to join him at Summerfest. I ended up going to dinner at Dr. Dempsey's with another friend, who then I hooked up with the Hawaiian at Summerfest. Long story short--- I hooked up a friend and got myself off of the hook. But that was the second time in a week that I had narrowly avoided screwing around.
Last night I was so happy that I could look into (Mitchell's) deep brown eyes with no remorse, with no guilt, knowing that I could hold him close and know I am strong enough for the future. Even while he was heckling me for bedding up with a straight guy the night before... I was proud that I had behaved, yet relieved that (Mitchell) would have been okay if I hadnt.
So, this is my life. I feel like this month is already flying by. Next weekend I go home for Dad's 50th. (Mitchell) might come. I can only hope.
Oh, and P.S.... I was VERY drunk when I wrote that "love" entry.
P.P.S. I am starting to get nervous about the lifestyle change that law school is going to require. And yet, I kinda want to get a blue mohawk just to shake things up.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
LOVE
What a simple word. For something so F'in complex that no poet, no philosopher, no theologian has been able to properly sum up the ability of the four letter word to create and destroy people, nations and, well, me.
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