So I miss him

Ive promised myself so many times that I wouldnt write this. But then I realize that in avoiding the act of writing I am being false and only giving this more weight than perhaps I should. I miss him. Seriously, to the point where my chest aches... I am the "break-up guy." Break-up, move on and be over it.

I have been extremely successful in the last few weeks of distracting myself with everything around me. The Bar, my first legal writing memo (just finished it a couple hours ago). But there is still so much that reminds me not just that I am alone, but that I miss him in particular. Songs. Thoughts. Phrases.

I just watched episode 11 of the first season of Sex and the City. Carrie has become all full of self doubt because she is so in love with Big and they have stopped having sex. Gone into the normacy of a relationship. So many comments that she made hit at home. I realized that through this whole thing, I was Carrie and (Mitchell) was Big. Comments just scared me about how things could get so out of my control, and I could feel so unappreciated, yet tolerate it in the name of love. At one point she storms out, waiting for him to come after her. And then to call her. She gets nothing. Been there for sure.

The thing that gets me though is that Carrie and Big do end up together in the end, albeit six years later. I know I am worth more than I was getting. I know exactly what I bring to the table. But there are moments that it is difficult to get past how solitary I feel in my own skin at the moment.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about death. Something like how to truly appreciate life, one must appreciate death, and vice versa. I feel a bit like that right now. I guess I didnt appreciate how much I was in love until I had to walk away and let that love go. And it hurts. But I guess that is how I know it was real.

Perhaps the fact that I was able to love should offer me hope that I can love again. Right now I just want the (Mitchell) back that I fell in love with.