I can't make you love me.

I need to write this now. In a couple of weeks I am going to start really really missing (Mitchell), and then I am going to remember all of the things that made me love him in the first place. I am not going to remember how miserable I have been these last few weeks because of his increasingly chilly and distant behavior. I may not remember what a horrid boyfriend he really was: never did anything special for me, never complimented me, never really showed any signs of his love for me. I will forget that this last Friday night he didn’t even come over and say Hi to me when I stopped to see him at work. I wont remember how he didn’t even want to touch me while we ate cheesecake in the park. I wont remember how uninterested he was in even being with me. I wont remember that we sat on his bed, watched a movie, and didn’t once touch each other. I may even forget how insecure I have become in my own attractiveness, feeling undesirable because my own boyfriend didn’t desire me.

It turns out that we were holding on too tightly to the memory of what we had. Perhaps it was just a great summer of love. I truly, truly, needed this relationship: all of my friends had left me, I was alone in the city, and I had nothing else going for me that summer. I am SO very grateful for the time we had. Perhaps we were foolish to make this more than that.

I finally approached him after the movie on Friday night. “What can we do to get back to that place again?” The place where we were so passionate with each other, where we talked each other to sleep, where the simple touch of him was enough for me. Somewhere in the last month, that place had been lost, and I don’t know how to get back to it. I have been trying my damnedest, with only increased resistance on (Mitchell's) part.

(Mitchell) claimed to be having trouble with the distance thing. Fair enough. At the same time, he is disconnecting with his friends back home right now too. He is going through a rough transition period right now, and in all likelihood is depressed. We said that we want to hold onto the memory of how good the relationship was, and hold onto the hope that perhaps someday will be the right time and place to try it again. We were good together, hopefully one day we can be again. But we cant continue to let the relationship spoil right now.

What does this mean for me? It means that I have to let go of someone I love so much it hurts because he cant love me back right now. That sucks! I look at my perspective, and there is nothing that I can change (other than moving back to Mke, which is unreasonable considering…), no greater amount of energy that I can put in to make this work. The failure is, indeed, on (Mitchell’s) end. I don’t want to make it sound like I am placing blame, but I also don’t want to walk away from this feeling like I could have done more, because I couldn’t have. All of my friends have seen the way that this affects me, and many are astounded that I have let him bring me down this much. I love him. I want nothing more than to renew the relationship we had even one month ago and have a life together with him. But I have to let (Mitchell) do his part. I have to let him restore his life, figure out what he needs, and someday come back to me.

I am so intensely happy with my life in Minneapolis right now, with incredible friends, a great school, a fantastic apartment and a city just waiting for me… There is no reason that I should let this one aspect of my life bring me down so hard.

So…. That’s that. I will continue my life. I will take down the photos of him all over my apartment, and I will start bartending again, dating again, and perhaps I will find someone who is closer to the 99% of what I want. And yet I still love him for his sense of humor, his honesty, his thirst to see and do things, his kindness to his friends… There is no one in the world that my heart has gone thumpty-thump so erratically for.

I hope that perhaps (Mitchell) will come back to me some day. Maybe he will have gone to counseling and an objective party will have told him what a moron he has been to let me leave. Maybe he will have an epiphany and see that as he has been getting older, his relationships have been getting exponentially shorter, and that he may indeed need to become a better boyfriend before he ends up lonely. I don’t want him to be alone. I wish for him every happiness. I just wish I was there to be a part of it.

As we have it planned, I will still see him for a couple of days this weekend, and I will still come back for his birthday around Christmas. We are still close. I still love him, and he says that he still loves me. I guess this is the point where I let go and let God. It still sucks though.

This love shit is not as fun as it looks.