Just had one hell of a cry. It felt terrific. There has been so much going on in my life right now, and I feel more and more solitary. Surrounded by wonderful people, still alone in my own head. Who do I call when I suddenly miss my mother, after close to 6 years, at 11:30 at night? I have been working so hard at keeping it all together, staying sane, looking forward, I think sometimes I forget to let myself sit and have emotions. I just picked up my journals from when Mom died, and let the tears fall. It felt amazing.
Good night! Im so happy I had this weekend!
Sunday, February 26, 2006
feeling sappy
What a great weekend. I did absolutely nothing productive. It was a beautiful thing.
I got through my Con Law midterm on Friday, and I think I survived pretty well. There were two questions, and the Prof gave us kinda a curve ball with the second question, but in tlaking with my classmates, I think I had a better grasp of it than most. Then went out and celebrated the night, making quite a trek that night. Good times...
Most of the rest of the weekend has been dedicated to watching movies and just chilling. I dont know what is up at the moment, but I am in one of those moods where a Kodak commercial can make me cry. Their not bad tears, but more just feeling emotional in a rather neutral way. While I IMed with (Mitchell) for the first time in months yesterday, it was a friendlier conversation than it had been in the past. One of his best friends, in fact the friend who hooked us up, came into my bar on Saturday. I was slammed at that point, so I didnt get to chat, but if nothing else it feels good to start to have some clean-up with this whole thing. I like being friends with my exs... Even if it is entirely impossible.
Speaking of exs, another one called me randomly last night. This is a guy whom I adore, as perhaps the cutest, sweetest guy on the planet. His voice just makes me smile. I wrote about him earlier when he came by around Finals last semester to rehash our breakup. Hopefully that's over with, and I hope that he still thinks of me as fondly as I do him.
Continuing with the sappy streak, I went and saw "8 Below" with a friend. Fortunately it was a friend I could cry shamelessly around, because did I ever. Wow... I dont know if it was Paul Walker being unbelievably easy to look at, or me wanting a dog, but that movie was a major tear-jerker. Wow... I must be having my man-period. Er something.
Anyway, its now 10:15 and there are all sorts of people that I want to call who I was to lazy to call earlier this weekend. I have once again fallen into the habit of being really bad at keeping in touch.
Well, at least Im "in touch" with my emotions.
Wow... Unreal bad joke.
I got through my Con Law midterm on Friday, and I think I survived pretty well. There were two questions, and the Prof gave us kinda a curve ball with the second question, but in tlaking with my classmates, I think I had a better grasp of it than most. Then went out and celebrated the night, making quite a trek that night. Good times...
Most of the rest of the weekend has been dedicated to watching movies and just chilling. I dont know what is up at the moment, but I am in one of those moods where a Kodak commercial can make me cry. Their not bad tears, but more just feeling emotional in a rather neutral way. While I IMed with (Mitchell) for the first time in months yesterday, it was a friendlier conversation than it had been in the past. One of his best friends, in fact the friend who hooked us up, came into my bar on Saturday. I was slammed at that point, so I didnt get to chat, but if nothing else it feels good to start to have some clean-up with this whole thing. I like being friends with my exs... Even if it is entirely impossible.
Speaking of exs, another one called me randomly last night. This is a guy whom I adore, as perhaps the cutest, sweetest guy on the planet. His voice just makes me smile. I wrote about him earlier when he came by around Finals last semester to rehash our breakup. Hopefully that's over with, and I hope that he still thinks of me as fondly as I do him.
Continuing with the sappy streak, I went and saw "8 Below" with a friend. Fortunately it was a friend I could cry shamelessly around, because did I ever. Wow... I dont know if it was Paul Walker being unbelievably easy to look at, or me wanting a dog, but that movie was a major tear-jerker. Wow... I must be having my man-period. Er something.
Anyway, its now 10:15 and there are all sorts of people that I want to call who I was to lazy to call earlier this weekend. I have once again fallen into the habit of being really bad at keeping in touch.
Well, at least Im "in touch" with my emotions.
Wow... Unreal bad joke.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Jump (for my love)! --Pointer Sister style
Today was just one of those mornings when you want to just run around and dance around your apartment in your boxers. I dont know what my deal is today, but I was just in an overly happy mood this morning. I was up till midnight distilling Con Law down for my midterm, so I dont think that was what had me all hyped up. But I had a good night's sleep, the sun was shining over my view of the city, and I just was doing those silly little dances that you can only get away with when you are alone.
Funny enough, the only other person I have done the "silly dance" around is my college roommate, Will, and today happens to be his birthday. Coinicedence? I think not! Happy birthday buddy, go do the silly dance!
I might also be in an unusually good mood because I got a phone call yesterday giving me a summer clerkship I had applied for at the Public Defender's office. It was a really competetive clerkship (they interviewed 50 people for 14 spots), and I will be working at my first real legal job. It should be tremendous experience in legal research and writing, plus pretty good money.
Soooo... I may not be a good teacher, but apparently I am doing okay at this law school thing so far.
Funny enough, the only other person I have done the "silly dance" around is my college roommate, Will, and today happens to be his birthday. Coinicedence? I think not! Happy birthday buddy, go do the silly dance!
I might also be in an unusually good mood because I got a phone call yesterday giving me a summer clerkship I had applied for at the Public Defender's office. It was a really competetive clerkship (they interviewed 50 people for 14 spots), and I will be working at my first real legal job. It should be tremendous experience in legal research and writing, plus pretty good money.
Soooo... I may not be a good teacher, but apparently I am doing okay at this law school thing so far.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
This is why I love my friends
Before I get into why my day sucked (or at least had a really bad moment), I need to impart how great my friends are. In response to my, "I had a bad day, leave me a note," I got the following messages:
1) Sorry your day was bad.
2) Hope your day improves.
3) I love you and hope your day gets better.
4) I love you.
5) I love you like ridiculous amounts. And also, to cheer you up, just think that Marquette's mascot was "gold"... gold diggers, solid gold, oh the fun statements are endless.
Its the little stuff like that that helps me to feel like I can make it through the day. Thanks guys.
In all actuality, my day was great for the most part. I did very well in all my classes, but Streetlaw is where I came up on my problem. I dont think I have written about Streetlaw yet, but the long story short is that I teach a 10th grade class about legal issues. I was paired with an older student (in his forties) from the UofM here, who spent the first few weeks shoving his ultra-conservative viewpoints down my throat. Anyway, after trying to diplomatically remedy that situation, and feeling like we finally had a good week with the rather rambunctious group of students we teach, my partner bailed on me about half hour before the class.
Well, thanks again to the support of my wonderful friends, I was able to throw together a last minute lesson plan, and another friend came to teach with me. Things were going decently until one girl interrupted my teaching to stand up and begin a conversation at the front of the classroom with another girl. Here's what unfolded:
Me: Would you mind sitting down for me?
Her: Whatever.
Me: Seriously, please go sit down.
Her: You can't tell me what to do.
Me: SIT DOWN!
Her: You cant talk to me like Im a dog.
Me: Apparently not, because dogs obey.
Yeah. I lost it. That was a totally disrespectful way to try and remedy the situation. I owe this girl an apology for not being the adult. But here's the thing: I should NEVER have been in that situation in the first place. This class is out of control, and the teacher does nothing to try and help us. I am not there to learn how to teach. I have no desire to discipline these guys.
My father, who feels strongly that I need to find a new classroom, pointed out that if this teacher cant control his own classroom, how should I expect to do so? He also mentioned that when I was in highschool, I took almost exclusively AP, Honors or AT courses with the only exceptions being choir, spanish, and newspaper, which were all very high-end electives. This is a gen ed at an intercity school. My expectations might be a bit high. But even so, this has just been so extremely painful so far. My partner is a schmuck, my teacher is unwilling to assert himself, my classroom is out of control, and I am miserable.
The "What now?" question keeps running through my head. Do I give up just because this sucks, and is the hardest thing I have had to do in a while? Reminds me of my relationship with (Mitchell). Do I give up just because it is hard? If I face a future of unfullfillment and frustration, as I did with (Mitchell), then it is time to walk away. But I dont want to be the guy that walks out on a class, a partner and a program. So.... What now?
1) Sorry your day was bad.
2) Hope your day improves.
3) I love you and hope your day gets better.
4) I love you.
5) I love you like ridiculous amounts. And also, to cheer you up, just think that Marquette's mascot was "gold"... gold diggers, solid gold, oh the fun statements are endless.
Its the little stuff like that that helps me to feel like I can make it through the day. Thanks guys.
In all actuality, my day was great for the most part. I did very well in all my classes, but Streetlaw is where I came up on my problem. I dont think I have written about Streetlaw yet, but the long story short is that I teach a 10th grade class about legal issues. I was paired with an older student (in his forties) from the UofM here, who spent the first few weeks shoving his ultra-conservative viewpoints down my throat. Anyway, after trying to diplomatically remedy that situation, and feeling like we finally had a good week with the rather rambunctious group of students we teach, my partner bailed on me about half hour before the class.
Well, thanks again to the support of my wonderful friends, I was able to throw together a last minute lesson plan, and another friend came to teach with me. Things were going decently until one girl interrupted my teaching to stand up and begin a conversation at the front of the classroom with another girl. Here's what unfolded:
Me: Would you mind sitting down for me?
Her: Whatever.
Me: Seriously, please go sit down.
Her: You can't tell me what to do.
Me: SIT DOWN!
Her: You cant talk to me like Im a dog.
Me: Apparently not, because dogs obey.
Yeah. I lost it. That was a totally disrespectful way to try and remedy the situation. I owe this girl an apology for not being the adult. But here's the thing: I should NEVER have been in that situation in the first place. This class is out of control, and the teacher does nothing to try and help us. I am not there to learn how to teach. I have no desire to discipline these guys.
My father, who feels strongly that I need to find a new classroom, pointed out that if this teacher cant control his own classroom, how should I expect to do so? He also mentioned that when I was in highschool, I took almost exclusively AP, Honors or AT courses with the only exceptions being choir, spanish, and newspaper, which were all very high-end electives. This is a gen ed at an intercity school. My expectations might be a bit high. But even so, this has just been so extremely painful so far. My partner is a schmuck, my teacher is unwilling to assert himself, my classroom is out of control, and I am miserable.
The "What now?" question keeps running through my head. Do I give up just because this sucks, and is the hardest thing I have had to do in a while? Reminds me of my relationship with (Mitchell). Do I give up just because it is hard? If I face a future of unfullfillment and frustration, as I did with (Mitchell), then it is time to walk away. But I dont want to be the guy that walks out on a class, a partner and a program. So.... What now?
Friday, February 17, 2006
I dare you to move like today never happened before
I had a crap-load of work to do for today. It was beginning to overwhelm me, so what did I do? Ignored it... With midterms coming up in the next two weeks, I guess there is still a part of me that is challenging the impending panic and just saying, "Bring it on." I situate myself in class where I participate enough in most (not Criminal) classes that the prof would never cold call on me, because they hear from me quite enough as it is.
Highlight of my night last night? Taking out Brianna's garbage. Why? Because it was next to that dumpster that I found my new kitchen table.
A few of my closer friends know that I am not opposed to dumpster diving, or making a day of driving around my old college campus after move-out day to see what gems the graduates no longer want. In fact, Justine and Danielle would actually have been disappointed in me if I hadnt picked up that table yesterday and brought it inside. The reason that this was a big deal is not because I grabbed it from the trash, but because I have been looking for a kitchen table for weeks with no luck finding the right table for the right price. Well, this certainly does it for me!
I work again this Saturday, which will be nice. It is totally part of my routine to have that as part of my schedule and budget. It will be nice to be back after two weeks. Hopefully the computers will be working a bit better.
I had an article printed in the Tribune defending bars from the prospective smoking ban in Milwaukee. Esentially a libertarian argument. Anyway, when I submit articles I ALWAYS make the submission contingent upon getting final approval of the final edit. Well, the editor never contacted me after I submitted the article, but lo-and-behold, the piece ended up in yesterday's Tribune, edited to a fair amount.
I wrote a friendly-enough email to the editor (of course CCing in his bosses etc.) asking for an apology for disregarding my wishes and breaking the contract. He emailed me back being all sassy that "this wasnt a contract, and if it was..." Oh no you didnt. I reacted with a strong legal argument why he was an idiot. Anyway, contract law is fun. Now his boss and his boss's boss are trying to get ahold of me to apologize for his rudeness.
Okay. Life is good. Im out.
Highlight of my night last night? Taking out Brianna's garbage. Why? Because it was next to that dumpster that I found my new kitchen table.
A few of my closer friends know that I am not opposed to dumpster diving, or making a day of driving around my old college campus after move-out day to see what gems the graduates no longer want. In fact, Justine and Danielle would actually have been disappointed in me if I hadnt picked up that table yesterday and brought it inside. The reason that this was a big deal is not because I grabbed it from the trash, but because I have been looking for a kitchen table for weeks with no luck finding the right table for the right price. Well, this certainly does it for me!
I work again this Saturday, which will be nice. It is totally part of my routine to have that as part of my schedule and budget. It will be nice to be back after two weeks. Hopefully the computers will be working a bit better.
I had an article printed in the Tribune defending bars from the prospective smoking ban in Milwaukee. Esentially a libertarian argument. Anyway, when I submit articles I ALWAYS make the submission contingent upon getting final approval of the final edit. Well, the editor never contacted me after I submitted the article, but lo-and-behold, the piece ended up in yesterday's Tribune, edited to a fair amount.
I wrote a friendly-enough email to the editor (of course CCing in his bosses etc.) asking for an apology for disregarding my wishes and breaking the contract. He emailed me back being all sassy that "this wasnt a contract, and if it was..." Oh no you didnt. I reacted with a strong legal argument why he was an idiot. Anyway, contract law is fun. Now his boss and his boss's boss are trying to get ahold of me to apologize for his rudeness.
Okay. Life is good. Im out.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The return of the Make-Out Slut
Im Back!
For whatever reason I wasnt scheduled at work this weekend (getting laid-off?) so I decided to take full advantage of the rare occasion and went and gay-ed it up Friday and Saturday nights. Friday I met up with a kick-ass friend from college who I hadnt seen in awhile, and she and I had probably a half-dozen drinks at the Lodge (there was a $2 drink special till 10pm) and then we went to the Saloon. None of my law school friends are willing to go to the gay bars with me, so I was ecstatic to find a friend to go there with. She was nothing short of fabulous. Anyway, I havent had that much fun just letting loose and dancing in ages. I really havent gotten to do that since I left Milwaukee. It felt fantastic. And I ended up making out with a school-teacher. Yeah.
I dealt with my hangover yesterday by grocery shopping with a friend and then an Ikea run (first time for me... not all that big a fan) with my roommate. Then a three hour nap to join up with a new friend and walk (yck) to the Gay 90's. This was my first time there while it was all open. It was actually quite a lot of fun. We watched drag for a bit and he showed me around, I bumped into a friend from work, then we went to the Saloon. Last night it was a bit too muscley for my taste (thats an entry for another day), and packed to the brim, but still way fun. Then went to an afterbar where I ended up making out with a new friend. Fun times.
Its really funny, because I feel like I have regained a part of myself in the last 48 hours. I needed this weekend of gayness SO bad, I felt like I was slipping into this lonely depression from feeling like there was just no potential in my life. A couple nights out, and I feel awesome again. In fact, I have not been this comfortable with the break-up since it happened. I need to make sure I do this more.
As for the rest of life, my computer is back to me, and seems to be in good shape. If nothing else the screen looks better. I got rejected from my MJF clerkship applications, but had a great interview with the Hennepin County Public Defender's office. Worst case scenario: I take classes this summer and actually get a chance to see the sun.
Classes are kinda lame, but I just havent been focusing on them at all. Im wondering if Im going to get my butt kicked in Midterms. Ehh... I'll deal. Last weekend I went to Chicago and had an incredible time with Justine and Will, and Justine even got a date out of the whole thing. Atta-girl! Im feeling like the planets are aligned again, I am back to myself, and ready for this week. Nice!
For whatever reason I wasnt scheduled at work this weekend (getting laid-off?) so I decided to take full advantage of the rare occasion and went and gay-ed it up Friday and Saturday nights. Friday I met up with a kick-ass friend from college who I hadnt seen in awhile, and she and I had probably a half-dozen drinks at the Lodge (there was a $2 drink special till 10pm) and then we went to the Saloon. None of my law school friends are willing to go to the gay bars with me, so I was ecstatic to find a friend to go there with. She was nothing short of fabulous. Anyway, I havent had that much fun just letting loose and dancing in ages. I really havent gotten to do that since I left Milwaukee. It felt fantastic. And I ended up making out with a school-teacher. Yeah.
I dealt with my hangover yesterday by grocery shopping with a friend and then an Ikea run (first time for me... not all that big a fan) with my roommate. Then a three hour nap to join up with a new friend and walk (yck) to the Gay 90's. This was my first time there while it was all open. It was actually quite a lot of fun. We watched drag for a bit and he showed me around, I bumped into a friend from work, then we went to the Saloon. Last night it was a bit too muscley for my taste (thats an entry for another day), and packed to the brim, but still way fun. Then went to an afterbar where I ended up making out with a new friend. Fun times.
Its really funny, because I feel like I have regained a part of myself in the last 48 hours. I needed this weekend of gayness SO bad, I felt like I was slipping into this lonely depression from feeling like there was just no potential in my life. A couple nights out, and I feel awesome again. In fact, I have not been this comfortable with the break-up since it happened. I need to make sure I do this more.
As for the rest of life, my computer is back to me, and seems to be in good shape. If nothing else the screen looks better. I got rejected from my MJF clerkship applications, but had a great interview with the Hennepin County Public Defender's office. Worst case scenario: I take classes this summer and actually get a chance to see the sun.
Classes are kinda lame, but I just havent been focusing on them at all. Im wondering if Im going to get my butt kicked in Midterms. Ehh... I'll deal. Last weekend I went to Chicago and had an incredible time with Justine and Will, and Justine even got a date out of the whole thing. Atta-girl! Im feeling like the planets are aligned again, I am back to myself, and ready for this week. Nice!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Affirmation
What an interesting week this has been. Tonight being Sunday offers me a nice chance to decompress after a long week. Not having had a weekend after last weekend's trainings, this weekend is was particularly important for me to feel like I caught up emotionally and physically.
Wednesday I met with a counselor. Turns out I am not an alcoholic. As we talked, I remembered how nice it is to have someone just sit and listen to you. Someone who has not heard about your breakup ad neasum for the last three months. Someone who hasnt tired of hearing you complain about how you have no gay friends. She determined that I have some "other" issues that I need to deal with, but on the face of it, alcohol does not seem to be the concern. Dealing with my problems through alcohol would be, but I have learned my lesson with that one.
Thursday everyone went out to bar review. I went along with the whole group, and just hung out. I did shots of water and drank Cokes. It is a really nice way of saving some money. The bartender was a bit disdainful about it, but screw her. The next morning I was very proud of my decision given how hungover everyone else was. One friend couldnt even get out of bed. I had a tour to take, and I was glad to not show up for this one in the same condition as I did last time. And I had still enjoyed my night thoroughly.
Friday I made it through classes (albeit underprepared for both), worked out in between at the Y, had lunch (free) with a prospective student, then went to BOOM to have my photo taken for Lavender Magazine's bartender of the month. The writer/photographer was pretty cool and he ended up offering to hook me up with some freelance jobs. We'll see what I can think up for content. Im kinda disconnected with the gay world here, so I dont have a ton to write about. Worth following through with though.
Then I napped on the couches in the restaurant until my friend, I'll call him (Stud), the guy from the Streetlaw training showed up. He and I had a pleasant dinner, just chatting and seemed to connect well. It was an early night because he was understandably tired, and he said he'd call or email er something. I get the feeling that this one is too good to be true. We connected so well, but I dont know that he was feeling it. My brain is just telling me that he is too good to be interested in me. I mean, this guy is so attractive that all the other staff at the bar was immediately asking about him (although I could have brought the hunchback of Notre Dame in there and they would have probably questioned too just for the sake of gossip). I think important to see though is that this was an opportunity to make a friend. Regardless of everything else, hopefully this will be a guy that I can call to go out with.
Well, then I planned on going out with the Tommies, but none of them called (GRRRR!), so I ended up going to Brokeback Mountain with a new friend who lives down the street. We had been chatting for a while, and he is new in town, so our friendship is truly mutually beneficial. We then hung out for a while on Saturday and our activities may have tested the boundaries of the friendship, but we seem okay today. I tried to make it extremely clear to him that I am far far more interested in maintaining and building a friendship than in just hooking up. He is incredibly intelligent and cute as hell, so those lines may have gotten blurred. Still though...
Then off to work, where I had a stellar night. They are not starting me lately until 9pm, which is SO much easier to enjoy because I dont feel drained past the point of comprehension at the end of the night. We were dead until about 9:30ish and then BAM wall to wall. The computers all decided that they were going to have about a 5 second processing delay, and while that sucked, it added to the challenge of the evening, and I did kinda revel in it. It's amazing how much the atmosphere has changed since our old manager left. I am really enjoying this job now. The new guy is just a plain-old sweetheart who differs to our judgment most of the time, and things seem to be running way smoother (with the exception to the computers, but that should be an easy fix). Anyway, fun stuff.
Then today, I went to Muffaleto's with Christina, caught up, had a fantastic brunch, and then home for a very long nap. Got my reading done, watched Grey's and Desperate with my new friend, now here I am.
All that, and I finally kicked my cold. Life is looking good.
Wednesday I met with a counselor. Turns out I am not an alcoholic. As we talked, I remembered how nice it is to have someone just sit and listen to you. Someone who has not heard about your breakup ad neasum for the last three months. Someone who hasnt tired of hearing you complain about how you have no gay friends. She determined that I have some "other" issues that I need to deal with, but on the face of it, alcohol does not seem to be the concern. Dealing with my problems through alcohol would be, but I have learned my lesson with that one.
Thursday everyone went out to bar review. I went along with the whole group, and just hung out. I did shots of water and drank Cokes. It is a really nice way of saving some money. The bartender was a bit disdainful about it, but screw her. The next morning I was very proud of my decision given how hungover everyone else was. One friend couldnt even get out of bed. I had a tour to take, and I was glad to not show up for this one in the same condition as I did last time. And I had still enjoyed my night thoroughly.
Friday I made it through classes (albeit underprepared for both), worked out in between at the Y, had lunch (free) with a prospective student, then went to BOOM to have my photo taken for Lavender Magazine's bartender of the month. The writer/photographer was pretty cool and he ended up offering to hook me up with some freelance jobs. We'll see what I can think up for content. Im kinda disconnected with the gay world here, so I dont have a ton to write about. Worth following through with though.
Then I napped on the couches in the restaurant until my friend, I'll call him (Stud), the guy from the Streetlaw training showed up. He and I had a pleasant dinner, just chatting and seemed to connect well. It was an early night because he was understandably tired, and he said he'd call or email er something. I get the feeling that this one is too good to be true. We connected so well, but I dont know that he was feeling it. My brain is just telling me that he is too good to be interested in me. I mean, this guy is so attractive that all the other staff at the bar was immediately asking about him (although I could have brought the hunchback of Notre Dame in there and they would have probably questioned too just for the sake of gossip). I think important to see though is that this was an opportunity to make a friend. Regardless of everything else, hopefully this will be a guy that I can call to go out with.
Well, then I planned on going out with the Tommies, but none of them called (GRRRR!), so I ended up going to Brokeback Mountain with a new friend who lives down the street. We had been chatting for a while, and he is new in town, so our friendship is truly mutually beneficial. We then hung out for a while on Saturday and our activities may have tested the boundaries of the friendship, but we seem okay today. I tried to make it extremely clear to him that I am far far more interested in maintaining and building a friendship than in just hooking up. He is incredibly intelligent and cute as hell, so those lines may have gotten blurred. Still though...
Then off to work, where I had a stellar night. They are not starting me lately until 9pm, which is SO much easier to enjoy because I dont feel drained past the point of comprehension at the end of the night. We were dead until about 9:30ish and then BAM wall to wall. The computers all decided that they were going to have about a 5 second processing delay, and while that sucked, it added to the challenge of the evening, and I did kinda revel in it. It's amazing how much the atmosphere has changed since our old manager left. I am really enjoying this job now. The new guy is just a plain-old sweetheart who differs to our judgment most of the time, and things seem to be running way smoother (with the exception to the computers, but that should be an easy fix). Anyway, fun stuff.
Then today, I went to Muffaleto's with Christina, caught up, had a fantastic brunch, and then home for a very long nap. Got my reading done, watched Grey's and Desperate with my new friend, now here I am.
All that, and I finally kicked my cold. Life is looking good.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
"His Thang ain't gonna glow red!"
The above care of my ultra-conservative Texan property professor. Her quotes are abundant.
So remember how I was far too gutless to ask the guy from last weekend out? (see last posting) Well, life throws us funny little twists. Last night, as I was emailing a couple of guys back in Milwaukee on Friendster, I happened to see HIS profile on the "singles" part of the page. This cleared up just enough of the confounding questions (is he gay, does he have a bf) that I was able (with the goading of a friend) to drop him a note and ask him to a dinner/coffee thing.
Well this morning, I got a response. He had no idea I was gay, told me that I pulled off the "ex-frat boy gone law school" look pretty well, and gave me his number. We proceeded to email back and forth all day long and then talked for about a half an hour at the end of the day. Sounds like a good guy. If nothing else, I am glad I took the risk and hopefully will have made a friend out of this. He is also a 1L, so at least for the next 3 years or so we live in identical worlds, even if they happen to be at different law schools.
Secondly, I went to the Y today during our elongated lunch period with a pal. She showed me around, and a I got some good lifting in. That is always a good way to distract me midday. Getting a workout in definitely goes in the plus column.
Later, I made yet ANOTHER (count them 8) call to the clinic where I am trying to schedule an Alchohol Assessment. I havent drank, or even really been tempted to drink, since two Thursdays ago because I want to get this assessment done first. But Will is coming up this weekend, and I dont want to not drink because I havent gotten my shit together, nor feel guilty because I am drinking... Anyway the clinic told me they would call me back... Which they did 1 1/2 hours later only to tell me that they wouldnt work with my insurance. This is especially odd since my insurance was one of the ways I was referred to this particular clinic. I also offerred to pay out of pocket, but they refused... Wow... Here's a clinic that has it's priorities in order. Anyway, I found out that I could get the same assessment for free TOMORROW through the university. Easy decision. What a pain in the ass this process has been. But I am fairly relieved to at least have this step taken care of.
Then, I got a call from the Public Defender's Office asking me in for an interview. YEAH!!! This is for a summer clerkship that I applied for a while ago and had kinda lost hope in. Wish me luck!
To cap off this good day, I received my placement for teaching Street Law this semester. I am at the Interdistrict school which is pretty much across the street from my school, and I will be teaching a mid-day session on Tuesdays (during that extended lunch hour) with a guy from the U. This is the ideal placement/time, so this is also extremely good news. With this addition to my schedule, I have a very front-loaded week with the Volunteer Lawyer's Network on Monday mornings and now this on Tuesdays, but I think it is better than trying to do these things when I am burned out at the end of the week.
Okay, bed time. Im still kicking this cold, so sleep is a good thing. Life is good. I am majorly contented at the moment.
So remember how I was far too gutless to ask the guy from last weekend out? (see last posting) Well, life throws us funny little twists. Last night, as I was emailing a couple of guys back in Milwaukee on Friendster, I happened to see HIS profile on the "singles" part of the page. This cleared up just enough of the confounding questions (is he gay, does he have a bf) that I was able (with the goading of a friend) to drop him a note and ask him to a dinner/coffee thing.
Well this morning, I got a response. He had no idea I was gay, told me that I pulled off the "ex-frat boy gone law school" look pretty well, and gave me his number. We proceeded to email back and forth all day long and then talked for about a half an hour at the end of the day. Sounds like a good guy. If nothing else, I am glad I took the risk and hopefully will have made a friend out of this. He is also a 1L, so at least for the next 3 years or so we live in identical worlds, even if they happen to be at different law schools.
Secondly, I went to the Y today during our elongated lunch period with a pal. She showed me around, and a I got some good lifting in. That is always a good way to distract me midday. Getting a workout in definitely goes in the plus column.
Later, I made yet ANOTHER (count them 8) call to the clinic where I am trying to schedule an Alchohol Assessment. I havent drank, or even really been tempted to drink, since two Thursdays ago because I want to get this assessment done first. But Will is coming up this weekend, and I dont want to not drink because I havent gotten my shit together, nor feel guilty because I am drinking... Anyway the clinic told me they would call me back... Which they did 1 1/2 hours later only to tell me that they wouldnt work with my insurance. This is especially odd since my insurance was one of the ways I was referred to this particular clinic. I also offerred to pay out of pocket, but they refused... Wow... Here's a clinic that has it's priorities in order. Anyway, I found out that I could get the same assessment for free TOMORROW through the university. Easy decision. What a pain in the ass this process has been. But I am fairly relieved to at least have this step taken care of.
Then, I got a call from the Public Defender's Office asking me in for an interview. YEAH!!! This is for a summer clerkship that I applied for a while ago and had kinda lost hope in. Wish me luck!
To cap off this good day, I received my placement for teaching Street Law this semester. I am at the Interdistrict school which is pretty much across the street from my school, and I will be teaching a mid-day session on Tuesdays (during that extended lunch hour) with a guy from the U. This is the ideal placement/time, so this is also extremely good news. With this addition to my schedule, I have a very front-loaded week with the Volunteer Lawyer's Network on Monday mornings and now this on Tuesdays, but I think it is better than trying to do these things when I am burned out at the end of the week.
Okay, bed time. Im still kicking this cold, so sleep is a good thing. Life is good. I am majorly contented at the moment.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
The Weekend, as it were
Well that was... dull.
Since when did I give up having weekends? I stayed in feeling a bit sick on Friday, then Saturday went to a training seminar from 1-6, then work from 9-close. Today, woke just in time to go back to the seminar, 1-6, then come home and get my reading done for tomorrow. Yeck. Im already ready for next weekend.
Oh, and Im getting a cold. Yeck. Yeck. Couldn't have anything to do with pushing myself so hard? Nah.
So there was this guy... And I need advice. This is not a SERIOUS boy dilemma, just a mild one. At this training seminar there was this totally attractive guy with kind eyes, intelligent comments, and a pretty good look to him. He seemed pretty gay to me. Im attracted. Now what?
What do grownups, in a non-bar situation, do? Keep in mind I am at a semi-professional training and would hate to be accused of scoping for guys (which of course all gay men are doing ALL the time anyway) and Im not even sure he is gay. I dont know this guy from Adam, but would like to get to know him better. Now what?
This comes back to the lack of socialization skills that gay men are able to train by not acknowledging their sexuality in their youth. I dont know how to approach someone like this... I didnt get that training in high school.
I mean, in retrospect, I am sure that I could have gone up to him and been, "Nice comment in class, I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner some time." It seems easy. But it also seemed WAY out of place at the time.
Perhaps it is still that fear of rejection that we all need to get over. I know that this isnt just my problem, but I do hold on to a least a modicrum of my self dignity. What's the worst he is going to say? No? That's the answer I have right now anyway. Perhaps the question I fear is, "why?" I would hate for it to come down to me blubbering something about, "You have pretty eyes and talk nice." But is that even what I am scared of? Why was I too big a pussy to go there?
Seriously... send me advice on this one. I WILL see this guy again. What should I say?
Since when did I give up having weekends? I stayed in feeling a bit sick on Friday, then Saturday went to a training seminar from 1-6, then work from 9-close. Today, woke just in time to go back to the seminar, 1-6, then come home and get my reading done for tomorrow. Yeck. Im already ready for next weekend.
Oh, and Im getting a cold. Yeck. Yeck. Couldn't have anything to do with pushing myself so hard? Nah.
So there was this guy... And I need advice. This is not a SERIOUS boy dilemma, just a mild one. At this training seminar there was this totally attractive guy with kind eyes, intelligent comments, and a pretty good look to him. He seemed pretty gay to me. Im attracted. Now what?
What do grownups, in a non-bar situation, do? Keep in mind I am at a semi-professional training and would hate to be accused of scoping for guys (which of course all gay men are doing ALL the time anyway) and Im not even sure he is gay. I dont know this guy from Adam, but would like to get to know him better. Now what?
This comes back to the lack of socialization skills that gay men are able to train by not acknowledging their sexuality in their youth. I dont know how to approach someone like this... I didnt get that training in high school.
I mean, in retrospect, I am sure that I could have gone up to him and been, "Nice comment in class, I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner some time." It seems easy. But it also seemed WAY out of place at the time.
Perhaps it is still that fear of rejection that we all need to get over. I know that this isnt just my problem, but I do hold on to a least a modicrum of my self dignity. What's the worst he is going to say? No? That's the answer I have right now anyway. Perhaps the question I fear is, "why?" I would hate for it to come down to me blubbering something about, "You have pretty eyes and talk nice." But is that even what I am scared of? Why was I too big a pussy to go there?
Seriously... send me advice on this one. I WILL see this guy again. What should I say?
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
How I Roll
I had my first real Property class this morning. I think we were all expecting the professor to come in breathing fire or something, but she really was not that bad and, if anything rather engaging. Here's the thing: she's the enemy. There, I said it. If we were fighting a war for equal rights for gays, she would be the enemy. It is the same conclusion I came too a little over a year ago about the Catholic Church. Just cause they are nice to your face, doesnt mean that they aren't the same people to take away your rights.
For one of our readings today there was a statement by the Pope on the necessity of stable M+W married families. Grrrr... We also had to read the creation story in Genesis. I had heard so much about this particular professor's anti-gay rights stances that I have been continually preparing myself to go to battle. I didnt sleep well last night because of it. But when all is said and done, the readings she assigned were actually quite applicable, if not intriguing. In retrospect, I wish I had read them more openly as opposed to trying to "arm" myself against them.
To my credit however, once I felt taht she wasnt going to be constantly antagonizing me, I released some of my built up rage toward her, and actually enjoyed her class. I guess there is something to be said for the fact that I still went in with a (semi) open mind and then just let go of the bad attitude I had.
A similar thing happened with my tailor.
I had taken a few shirts in to have them taken in (odd verbage there) and had to make an appointment to try them on. First of all, it is off to have to make an appointment with a tailor. Well, I had to reschedule once, then missed that appointment, and so called yesterday apologizing. The guy started flipping out at me. WHAT? I know that I was rude, but I apologized. Is my TAILOR seriously yelling at me? It got me so steamed that today I went in armed with all sorts of things to say to defend myself and go to battle. In the end, I lost track of time and even went to today's appointment late. Ooops. Anyway, once I got there, he was apologetic for yelling at me, I was apologetic for being late, and everything was okay... But once again, I was armed and ready to go, but then just let it ride.
I know that there are probably less emotionally-taxing ways of dealing with these things, but I guess this is just how I operate. Perhaps this could be a learning moment.
For one of our readings today there was a statement by the Pope on the necessity of stable M+W married families. Grrrr... We also had to read the creation story in Genesis. I had heard so much about this particular professor's anti-gay rights stances that I have been continually preparing myself to go to battle. I didnt sleep well last night because of it. But when all is said and done, the readings she assigned were actually quite applicable, if not intriguing. In retrospect, I wish I had read them more openly as opposed to trying to "arm" myself against them.
To my credit however, once I felt taht she wasnt going to be constantly antagonizing me, I released some of my built up rage toward her, and actually enjoyed her class. I guess there is something to be said for the fact that I still went in with a (semi) open mind and then just let go of the bad attitude I had.
A similar thing happened with my tailor.
I had taken a few shirts in to have them taken in (odd verbage there) and had to make an appointment to try them on. First of all, it is off to have to make an appointment with a tailor. Well, I had to reschedule once, then missed that appointment, and so called yesterday apologizing. The guy started flipping out at me. WHAT? I know that I was rude, but I apologized. Is my TAILOR seriously yelling at me? It got me so steamed that today I went in armed with all sorts of things to say to defend myself and go to battle. In the end, I lost track of time and even went to today's appointment late. Ooops. Anyway, once I got there, he was apologetic for yelling at me, I was apologetic for being late, and everything was okay... But once again, I was armed and ready to go, but then just let it ride.
I know that there are probably less emotionally-taxing ways of dealing with these things, but I guess this is just how I operate. Perhaps this could be a learning moment.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Early Morning Workout
I have yet to get my schedule ironed out for this semester. For instance, I probably didnt need to get up at 5:55 to get a workout in before my 9am class.
I was looking at the Golden Globe winners from last night. While the winners are all the movies and shows I rooted for, such as Showtime's fantastic "Weeds," and "Desperate Housewives," along with the revolutionary "Brokeback Mountain" and "Transamerica," I realized that I hadnt seen ANY of the movies that won (including the previous two that I was rooting for more out of social reasons than anything). I need to get to the theater more often. Or ever.
Today I have my first class with the "Anti-Gay." Perhaps I shouldnt call her that because "some of her best friends are..." but that embarrassing logic stopped working in the 60s. Anyway, today she is lecturing us on mental health (including a speaker on Alcoholism...timing?). I have no issues with this, other than the babying aspect. But, for tomorrow we have to read the first three chapters of Genesis, a reading by the Pope, etc... Oh... This is going to be interesting. I seriously am willing to take her on, and I dont know if the students around me, or she (or I for that matter) are ready for that. I just dont feel like I should be force-feed the bible, or her anti-gay-marriage rhetoric in my PROPERTIES class. So the question of each and every class will be: 1) how does this have to do with Property law and 2) does this respect the religious background of every student present. Perhaps I am getting too preemptively defensive... But I have heard some nasty stuff about this woman.
On the other hand, I had heard similar things about the Prof who just offered my a research fellowship this summer, and he and I get along fine.
As for my other Profs, at least I have one who I know is predictable. My Lawyering Skills prof is very talented, and actually kinda nice once you get past the chilly facade she puts up in class. She is just kinda old school.
I have already ticked off my Criminal Law prof. Okay by me. He had this attendance policy which, as it originally read, only allowed us to miss three classes. It is not that I skip a whole lot of class, if you look at my last semester I hardly missed any, but it comes down to a "babying" sort of thing. Respect that we are adults and that we can recognize the detriment of not coming to class. If your class is taught right, then we should not be able to pass the final without showing up for the lecture. If you are a poor teacher, then you might have something to worry about... Anyway, I asked him in class why the attendance policy was so harsh. This threw him off a bit. He asked me what the other professors' policies were. I threw out Sisk's (10 classes) because I couldnt think of any others. He thought that policy was absurd.
So then I went back this weekend and pulled out every syllabus from each class that we have had (or currently have) so far. There either wasnt an attendance policy or it was high, like Sisk's. I emailed the Crim Prof what I had found saying that I wanted to more completely answer his question... He emailed back a class-wide response about "kids these days" and bumped the policy up to six absences. Still though... I want to call him out on the "kids" comment. I dont think we have any "kids" in our class.
You'll notice that I am avoiding talking about the alcohol situation. That's cause I am not ready to talk about it quite yet. I will probably write when my "test period" is over and I have been able to go in for an alcohol assessment. Till then...
I was looking at the Golden Globe winners from last night. While the winners are all the movies and shows I rooted for, such as Showtime's fantastic "Weeds," and "Desperate Housewives," along with the revolutionary "Brokeback Mountain" and "Transamerica," I realized that I hadnt seen ANY of the movies that won (including the previous two that I was rooting for more out of social reasons than anything). I need to get to the theater more often. Or ever.
Today I have my first class with the "Anti-Gay." Perhaps I shouldnt call her that because "some of her best friends are..." but that embarrassing logic stopped working in the 60s. Anyway, today she is lecturing us on mental health (including a speaker on Alcoholism...timing?). I have no issues with this, other than the babying aspect. But, for tomorrow we have to read the first three chapters of Genesis, a reading by the Pope, etc... Oh... This is going to be interesting. I seriously am willing to take her on, and I dont know if the students around me, or she (or I for that matter) are ready for that. I just dont feel like I should be force-feed the bible, or her anti-gay-marriage rhetoric in my PROPERTIES class. So the question of each and every class will be: 1) how does this have to do with Property law and 2) does this respect the religious background of every student present. Perhaps I am getting too preemptively defensive... But I have heard some nasty stuff about this woman.
On the other hand, I had heard similar things about the Prof who just offered my a research fellowship this summer, and he and I get along fine.
As for my other Profs, at least I have one who I know is predictable. My Lawyering Skills prof is very talented, and actually kinda nice once you get past the chilly facade she puts up in class. She is just kinda old school.
I have already ticked off my Criminal Law prof. Okay by me. He had this attendance policy which, as it originally read, only allowed us to miss three classes. It is not that I skip a whole lot of class, if you look at my last semester I hardly missed any, but it comes down to a "babying" sort of thing. Respect that we are adults and that we can recognize the detriment of not coming to class. If your class is taught right, then we should not be able to pass the final without showing up for the lecture. If you are a poor teacher, then you might have something to worry about... Anyway, I asked him in class why the attendance policy was so harsh. This threw him off a bit. He asked me what the other professors' policies were. I threw out Sisk's (10 classes) because I couldnt think of any others. He thought that policy was absurd.
So then I went back this weekend and pulled out every syllabus from each class that we have had (or currently have) so far. There either wasnt an attendance policy or it was high, like Sisk's. I emailed the Crim Prof what I had found saying that I wanted to more completely answer his question... He emailed back a class-wide response about "kids these days" and bumped the policy up to six absences. Still though... I want to call him out on the "kids" comment. I dont think we have any "kids" in our class.
You'll notice that I am avoiding talking about the alcohol situation. That's cause I am not ready to talk about it quite yet. I will probably write when my "test period" is over and I have been able to go in for an alcohol assessment. Till then...
Friday, January 13, 2006
Bad night out
I have so much to catch up on... But first I feel a certain obligation to cover the events of the past evening. It has been a hard day to be certain, but I feel like I am dealing with what I need to to gain perspective, and control, over the situation.
I awoke this morning to a police officer in my bedroom shouting to me. Apparently he had tried knocking and shouting from the door, but he was unsuccessful in waking me until he was but a few feet away. Why was there an MPD officer in my room? Here's a good story:
I got really really drunk last night. I started at a friend's at about 7pm, had two glasses of wine, and then went to another friend's house where I had two or three Captain and Coke's (heavy). Then we walked to the Lone Tree and I proceeded to have a few more Captains. It was a good night. I got wasted. I knocked booty with a fun couple of friends on the dance floor. Then I decided to walk home.
First of all, it is important to know that I used to make that walk while on the phone with (Mitchell). I remember missing him during the walk, and I remember calling my sister. I proceeded to concoct some absurd story about being kidnapped in Cuba and tried to tell her, and then my father when I scared her bad enough that she put him on the phone, that I loved them and that they shouldnt worry about me. Before my phone died, I managed to convince them both that I was seriously in grave danger. Then I passed out in bed.
I had terrified both my father and sister. Dad stayed up all night trying to reach me, finally calling the cops, as well as officials at my school.
After the cop woke me up, I dressed and went to school and met up with a couple of prospective students. I still smelled like booze, and was in fact still drunk.
This is a problem. I manipulated and abused my relationship with my family. I dissappointed and embarrassed my school. I have rarely been this ashamed in my life.
I may have a problem with alcohol.
It is incredibly hard for me to find perspective on this issue. I need to deal with this. "The guy" at my school who I am dealing with is suggesting an alcohol assessment test. He thinks I may be an alcoholic. My friends, on the other hand, dont see the big deal. Everyone does stupid things while they are drunk. Everyone drunk dials everyonce in awhile.
I stand somewhere in the middle. I dont think that I am an alcoholic. I dont need or even desire alcohol, it is just a part of my social life. I dont look forward to my next drink. BUT hurting my family, which is the most dear thing in the world to me, is absolutely unacceptable. And I will do whatever is in my power to make sure that it never happens again. Perhaps I am not an alcoholic, but I may still be willing to give up alcohol, because it is the smart thing to do to protect my relationships. And "the guy" makes a good point: What more do I need to lose or harm before I am willing to give up drinking? What is it going to take?
Ironically, the person being most relaxed about this is my father. With his background, and a history of pressuring Carey and I to not drink and to recognize our genetic alcoholic predispositions, I figured that he was going to harp on my to quit. The reality though is that he seems glad that I am just taking responsibility for the situation and willing to look into it.
So here's the game plan... I am taking a week break from drinking. Just to see how it feels. To think this over. I will go and take the alcohol assessment early next week. I have already met with a new friend who is trying to get me into AA meetings, and if nothing else is sharing his story. I see myself as having a couple of options: quit drinking with AA, quit drinking without AA, start only drinking wine and beer and no hard alcohol, or just continue on in my otherwise prosperous life until the next time I screw up majorly... I'll let you know what I decide.
I awoke this morning to a police officer in my bedroom shouting to me. Apparently he had tried knocking and shouting from the door, but he was unsuccessful in waking me until he was but a few feet away. Why was there an MPD officer in my room? Here's a good story:
I got really really drunk last night. I started at a friend's at about 7pm, had two glasses of wine, and then went to another friend's house where I had two or three Captain and Coke's (heavy). Then we walked to the Lone Tree and I proceeded to have a few more Captains. It was a good night. I got wasted. I knocked booty with a fun couple of friends on the dance floor. Then I decided to walk home.
First of all, it is important to know that I used to make that walk while on the phone with (Mitchell). I remember missing him during the walk, and I remember calling my sister. I proceeded to concoct some absurd story about being kidnapped in Cuba and tried to tell her, and then my father when I scared her bad enough that she put him on the phone, that I loved them and that they shouldnt worry about me. Before my phone died, I managed to convince them both that I was seriously in grave danger. Then I passed out in bed.
I had terrified both my father and sister. Dad stayed up all night trying to reach me, finally calling the cops, as well as officials at my school.
After the cop woke me up, I dressed and went to school and met up with a couple of prospective students. I still smelled like booze, and was in fact still drunk.
This is a problem. I manipulated and abused my relationship with my family. I dissappointed and embarrassed my school. I have rarely been this ashamed in my life.
I may have a problem with alcohol.
It is incredibly hard for me to find perspective on this issue. I need to deal with this. "The guy" at my school who I am dealing with is suggesting an alcohol assessment test. He thinks I may be an alcoholic. My friends, on the other hand, dont see the big deal. Everyone does stupid things while they are drunk. Everyone drunk dials everyonce in awhile.
I stand somewhere in the middle. I dont think that I am an alcoholic. I dont need or even desire alcohol, it is just a part of my social life. I dont look forward to my next drink. BUT hurting my family, which is the most dear thing in the world to me, is absolutely unacceptable. And I will do whatever is in my power to make sure that it never happens again. Perhaps I am not an alcoholic, but I may still be willing to give up alcohol, because it is the smart thing to do to protect my relationships. And "the guy" makes a good point: What more do I need to lose or harm before I am willing to give up drinking? What is it going to take?
Ironically, the person being most relaxed about this is my father. With his background, and a history of pressuring Carey and I to not drink and to recognize our genetic alcoholic predispositions, I figured that he was going to harp on my to quit. The reality though is that he seems glad that I am just taking responsibility for the situation and willing to look into it.
So here's the game plan... I am taking a week break from drinking. Just to see how it feels. To think this over. I will go and take the alcohol assessment early next week. I have already met with a new friend who is trying to get me into AA meetings, and if nothing else is sharing his story. I see myself as having a couple of options: quit drinking with AA, quit drinking without AA, start only drinking wine and beer and no hard alcohol, or just continue on in my otherwise prosperous life until the next time I screw up majorly... I'll let you know what I decide.
Monday, January 02, 2006
I think I'm gay because I could never quite figure out how the vagina works
Soooo.... It has been a while since I have written. Much has gone on, but nothing truly of consequence. I am getting life in order before I leave tomorrow for Colorado with a bunch of my law school buddies for our big ski trip. I worked through the New Years holiday, all three nights, and actually had a good time with it. It's nice to get a chunk of change to pay off my Christmas/Ski Trip expenses before I go and spend more money. Frankly, being slightly in the hole helps me stay disciplined with my cash anyway...
Just found out that Dad's girlfriend broke up with him. I know he saw it coming, because it was about an issue that has been troubling them for quite some time, but I know it isnt easy on him. Just adds to my current jaded mindset though: relationships will all eventually hurt you. Through death, cheating, getting left or irreconcilable issues, they all end in pain and misery. Not something I am willing to invest in at the moment.
I went and saw "Pride and Prejudice" with my family while I was home. Predictably, everyone is happy in love at the end. We were walking out of the theater, and all I could think was, "Sure, It's all butterflies and cupcakes until someone shows up at the airport with hickeys on his neck." My father pointed out that the movie took place in 17th century England, and that there were no airports. Completely beside the point.
Being home was good for me though. Not only was I surrounded by the unconditional love of my family, but I got to experience the "hot shit" factor of being home. This is not about me thinking highly of myself, but rather quite the opposite. The boys in Minneapolis are quite difficult to impress. They are looking for rippling one-night stands with giant dicks. I am a cute bartender who just doesnt want to go that route. But back home, people see me as the law school student and admire me for that, and see the truly great boyfriend potential that I hold, and that feels good. The superficial element just doesnt matter as much, because the dating pool is so much more shallow... Typical big fish, small pond sort of scenario.
I talked with a couple people last night about my lack of gay friends. There were a few guys at the bar last night who just started chatting with each other, in a totally non-corousal sort of way. Just talking about politics or some crap. I SOOO wished that I was on the other side of the bar with them. I dont know how to make that happen. I was told by one of the barbacks that people do indeed talk ABOUT me (in a good way) but that they dont feel I am approachable... The other option for me is to sit alone at the bar (mine or elsewhere). One would think that having lived alone and traveled as much as I have, I would be comfortable meeting people that way. But there are usually two outcomes: a) I look/feel like a creep or b) people perceive me as cruising, and totally dont see me as a possible friend.
Granted, all of these are mental barriers that I should get over. It is like the fear of hot guys: being afraid to approach someone for fear of rejection because they are super-cute. When in reality, they want to be approached as much as you do.
Perhaps I should remember one of the gentlemen I saw a last night. He came in alone, left alone, but was easily the hottest guy at the bar. He just sat there drinking his Laphrange on the rocks and was quite friendly. Yet, very much alone. A couple people asked about him, so he was obviously not giving off the creep vibe. And he was just waiting to be talked to.... I can be that guy. I just need to get over this fear of that "third eye" watching me.
One last quick note. I am finally starting to get along well with one of the other bartenders who was driving me nuts. I asked him not to jibe me in front of the patrons, just because it makes me feel awkward, and he seems to be respecting that. The Manager, however, said something pretty shitty to me last night. I guess I dont know what his problem with me is. He has never been very nice. A couple patrons were flattering me about how I was the "best bartender ever" (which I have never held myself out to be, nor desired to be), and I jokingly told them to speak up so my manager might hear, as he was sitting right there. My manager then said something about how, "I know a few who would disagree," trying to bait me. I laughed him off, telling him that you can't please everyone all the time, trying not to show weakness. But it bugged the hell out of me. If someone had complimented his managing style, and I had said the same thing to him, how disrespectful is that? What kind of person needs to drag others down for fun? He and I have already had a discussion about him saying rude things to me... I can keep brushing these things off... But should I have to?
Just found out that Dad's girlfriend broke up with him. I know he saw it coming, because it was about an issue that has been troubling them for quite some time, but I know it isnt easy on him. Just adds to my current jaded mindset though: relationships will all eventually hurt you. Through death, cheating, getting left or irreconcilable issues, they all end in pain and misery. Not something I am willing to invest in at the moment.
I went and saw "Pride and Prejudice" with my family while I was home. Predictably, everyone is happy in love at the end. We were walking out of the theater, and all I could think was, "Sure, It's all butterflies and cupcakes until someone shows up at the airport with hickeys on his neck." My father pointed out that the movie took place in 17th century England, and that there were no airports. Completely beside the point.
Being home was good for me though. Not only was I surrounded by the unconditional love of my family, but I got to experience the "hot shit" factor of being home. This is not about me thinking highly of myself, but rather quite the opposite. The boys in Minneapolis are quite difficult to impress. They are looking for rippling one-night stands with giant dicks. I am a cute bartender who just doesnt want to go that route. But back home, people see me as the law school student and admire me for that, and see the truly great boyfriend potential that I hold, and that feels good. The superficial element just doesnt matter as much, because the dating pool is so much more shallow... Typical big fish, small pond sort of scenario.
I talked with a couple people last night about my lack of gay friends. There were a few guys at the bar last night who just started chatting with each other, in a totally non-corousal sort of way. Just talking about politics or some crap. I SOOO wished that I was on the other side of the bar with them. I dont know how to make that happen. I was told by one of the barbacks that people do indeed talk ABOUT me (in a good way) but that they dont feel I am approachable... The other option for me is to sit alone at the bar (mine or elsewhere). One would think that having lived alone and traveled as much as I have, I would be comfortable meeting people that way. But there are usually two outcomes: a) I look/feel like a creep or b) people perceive me as cruising, and totally dont see me as a possible friend.
Granted, all of these are mental barriers that I should get over. It is like the fear of hot guys: being afraid to approach someone for fear of rejection because they are super-cute. When in reality, they want to be approached as much as you do.
Perhaps I should remember one of the gentlemen I saw a last night. He came in alone, left alone, but was easily the hottest guy at the bar. He just sat there drinking his Laphrange on the rocks and was quite friendly. Yet, very much alone. A couple people asked about him, so he was obviously not giving off the creep vibe. And he was just waiting to be talked to.... I can be that guy. I just need to get over this fear of that "third eye" watching me.
One last quick note. I am finally starting to get along well with one of the other bartenders who was driving me nuts. I asked him not to jibe me in front of the patrons, just because it makes me feel awkward, and he seems to be respecting that. The Manager, however, said something pretty shitty to me last night. I guess I dont know what his problem with me is. He has never been very nice. A couple patrons were flattering me about how I was the "best bartender ever" (which I have never held myself out to be, nor desired to be), and I jokingly told them to speak up so my manager might hear, as he was sitting right there. My manager then said something about how, "I know a few who would disagree," trying to bait me. I laughed him off, telling him that you can't please everyone all the time, trying not to show weakness. But it bugged the hell out of me. If someone had complimented his managing style, and I had said the same thing to him, how disrespectful is that? What kind of person needs to drag others down for fun? He and I have already had a discussion about him saying rude things to me... I can keep brushing these things off... But should I have to?
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Really seeing Home
I come back to Traverse City to see my family. They are the world to me. But I also get to see a lot of old friends while I am here, and that is definitely an added bonus. I do learn a lot about life from looking backwards at where I have been, and seeing where life has taken everyone else too.
I went out with my oldest friend in the world last night. I have known him since we were in 4th grade cubscouts. At one point he wanted to be an art therapist and work with kids. Then he became somewhat of a Christian punk-rockstar. Now he's a jerk.
Im not a giant fan of big religions, but if nothing else they can hold one's feet to the fire. This friend of mine at one point said, "I'm not a player, Im more of a playboy, because Im all about the pleasure." I pointed out that another word for that was hedonism. All night long he proceeded to try and pick up girls all around us. Granted, he is phenominally good at it. The kid has definitely hit his stride, sexually speaking. He is no longer the scrawny, geeky kid that I grew up with. But then, neither am I.
Hopefully I am not a jerk.
I went out with my oldest friend in the world last night. I have known him since we were in 4th grade cubscouts. At one point he wanted to be an art therapist and work with kids. Then he became somewhat of a Christian punk-rockstar. Now he's a jerk.
I ended up smacking him at one of the bars for using "gay" in a dergatory sense for the Nth time that evening. I really dont know if there is the possibility of a friendship between us in the future. It's so sad to me. Sadder than all the people who I think failed to escape, are the ones who did, and became something far worse. He now works for the business world, and spends his free time trying to bed women. This is a kid who used to preach "no sex until marriage" and be a very strong spiritual person. I guess I have never before seen "the fall" of a person like this in my life.
Im not a giant fan of big religions, but if nothing else they can hold one's feet to the fire. This friend of mine at one point said, "I'm not a player, Im more of a playboy, because Im all about the pleasure." I pointed out that another word for that was hedonism. All night long he proceeded to try and pick up girls all around us. Granted, he is phenominally good at it. The kid has definitely hit his stride, sexually speaking. He is no longer the scrawny, geeky kid that I grew up with. But then, neither am I.
Hopefully I am not a jerk.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Protecting those we love
I wish that I could take your pain away. I get so very frusterated and mad at life, and at God, when shit befalls my amazing friends. Here is this person who is inspiring in intelligence, talent, poise, spirit, strength and humor. She has taught me so much already about who I am, and I see in her someone who I would like to be. But when it comes down to it, there is nothing that I can do to help.
I wish I could protect you from this pain. From this loss. From this uncertainty. I wish I could wrap you in a giant hug and tell you that you will be safe and that you could believe me. I wish that I could take on your loss, your feeling of being lost, and bear it myself, knowing that you would probably be better at supporting me than I could ever be at supporting you. It pisses me off that right now, right when I am starting to feel like the universe is becoming balanced once again and that good people are rewarded, and the bad punished, I see evidence that this is not so.
You deserve more happiness than any of us, and yet in this moment there is only a deep sorrow that is not only undeserved but unjust. Why cant they see you for the person you are, the unbelievable blessing that I count you as? I guess I have to pray that God will right this wrong, will find a path for my lost friend, but even my prayers seem feable to help a friend.
It's interesting to me that I can live through so much in my own life, and yet becoming almost emotionally unbalanced when my friends have to deal with their trials and tribulations. Watching you struggle is so much harder for me because I love you so very very much and it drives me absolutley batty to be helpless to make things better. I feel like some sort of caged animal that is pacing, waiting to be unleashed so that I can fix everything for you with some sort of magic band-aid, and maul anyone who would hurt you.
I will be there for you. I want to know how I can help. I know you would do the same for me.
In fact, Im pretty sure you have already.
I wish I could protect you from this pain. From this loss. From this uncertainty. I wish I could wrap you in a giant hug and tell you that you will be safe and that you could believe me. I wish that I could take on your loss, your feeling of being lost, and bear it myself, knowing that you would probably be better at supporting me than I could ever be at supporting you. It pisses me off that right now, right when I am starting to feel like the universe is becoming balanced once again and that good people are rewarded, and the bad punished, I see evidence that this is not so.
You deserve more happiness than any of us, and yet in this moment there is only a deep sorrow that is not only undeserved but unjust. Why cant they see you for the person you are, the unbelievable blessing that I count you as? I guess I have to pray that God will right this wrong, will find a path for my lost friend, but even my prayers seem feable to help a friend.
It's interesting to me that I can live through so much in my own life, and yet becoming almost emotionally unbalanced when my friends have to deal with their trials and tribulations. Watching you struggle is so much harder for me because I love you so very very much and it drives me absolutley batty to be helpless to make things better. I feel like some sort of caged animal that is pacing, waiting to be unleashed so that I can fix everything for you with some sort of magic band-aid, and maul anyone who would hurt you.
I will be there for you. I want to know how I can help. I know you would do the same for me.
In fact, Im pretty sure you have already.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
St. John's chaplain resigns over new Vatican teaching
St. John's chaplain resigns over new Vatican teaching
This article raises an interesting issue... If gays are so "inherently disordered," what effect would an "outing campaign" have on the church?
I know of at least a dozen gay priests personally, two of whom are PRESIDENTS OF UNIVERSITIES, and with this new Catholic teaching, it seems like the church is setting themselves up to lose some high quality men who are already serving it. I would never never never subject my friends to any sort of humiliation, but it is foreseeable that someone else could. The end result would probably be negative anyway, because it would take progressive leadership out of prominent spots and replace them with "Benedicts". Even so...
Another theological point which is interesting is one that a priest friend told me when I was still looking into the priesthood. Essentially, if the vatican says that gays cant be priests, they invalidate each and every sacrament that a gay priest has performed, past and present. This is an interesting little quirk about the Church: current decisions do indeed affect past souls. So any baptism, communion, wedding, or last rite that a gay priest (or gay pope, because there have been rumors about some of the Renaissance boys) has done effectively never happened. That's a lot of new souls now in hell. Seriously. This is Catholic doctrine. Look it up.
Looking for a good reason to get an anulment? Just tell them your priest was a bit limp-wristed.
This article raises an interesting issue... If gays are so "inherently disordered," what effect would an "outing campaign" have on the church?
I know of at least a dozen gay priests personally, two of whom are PRESIDENTS OF UNIVERSITIES, and with this new Catholic teaching, it seems like the church is setting themselves up to lose some high quality men who are already serving it. I would never never never subject my friends to any sort of humiliation, but it is foreseeable that someone else could. The end result would probably be negative anyway, because it would take progressive leadership out of prominent spots and replace them with "Benedicts". Even so...
Another theological point which is interesting is one that a priest friend told me when I was still looking into the priesthood. Essentially, if the vatican says that gays cant be priests, they invalidate each and every sacrament that a gay priest has performed, past and present. This is an interesting little quirk about the Church: current decisions do indeed affect past souls. So any baptism, communion, wedding, or last rite that a gay priest (or gay pope, because there have been rumors about some of the Renaissance boys) has done effectively never happened. That's a lot of new souls now in hell. Seriously. This is Catholic doctrine. Look it up.
Looking for a good reason to get an anulment? Just tell them your priest was a bit limp-wristed.
Finals are FUN!
Okay, that was a bit of sarcasm. I am so incredibly burned out, and as a consequence, utterly unprepared for Tuesday's Torts final. I'll make due, but it aint fun.
I had a classmate approach me and ask me to blog a little about some of the antics that we practice during finals. Spend 14 hours a day in library (which I have largely NOT done, but many have) and funny things start happening. One friend's computer screen suffered permanent damage when it was struck by an orange flying through the library. Not really that shocking.
We start joking about our rotund Civil Procedure professor showing up people's doors wearing nothing but a Christmas Thong. (it would definitely be a Christmas, and not a Holiday, thong, because this guy is a major Catholic)
Another friend and I are pretending to be a couple in the presence of that same professor because he seems to enjoy that idea. Unfortunately, my wife-to-be is also of the "homosex-uwall persuasion." Hey, at least there wouldnt be any premarital sex.... At least with each other.
We talk about how we might throw off each other's test taking: Wearing butt-less chaps into the classroom and then dropping the exam... maybe buttering up a few days ahead so that it's all greasy and pimply... Anyway, thats severe... And it got vetoed because our classrooms are subzero, and those little plastic chairs would be hell on a bare ass.
Then theres the... "It-it-it-it might be a contract" that has become familiar to all of us. "No contract, no contract, no contract, no contract BOOM. Contract."
The jokes that are only funny when you are in a study room with the same crowd for days on end, and only because you have all become similarly geeked out.
And damn, I never thought I would become comfortable farting around people in such a large context. I had to start giggling in the library one late night when I ripped a loud one, but no one could hear it because everyone was wearing headphones... It wasnt so much funny that I farted, but that I got away with it... Then everyone else started letting them go too, and it was a bit oto much to take. Perhaps this is why there isnt a lot of law school romance going on.
But good Lord, do we talk about sex like it is going out of style. Maybe that's because it is. After studying Civil Procedure or Contracts for 8 hours, it is like your sex organs go on strike. They just refuse... "Nope, you havent given me enough to work with." I just look down at my crotch, and it's like, "Oh, you've got a headache? That's okay, I wasnt really feeling it anyway." Except of course with that mental picture of the professor in the Christmas thong...
Okay, other than the studying humor, not much going on. I got excessively wasted on Friday night on Jack Daniels. Then I met up with my favorite Ex in the world, Brian. I totally still think he is the coolest person ever. He was in town for business, but we hung out in uptown towards the end of the night. Then we went back to my place where we had the most exciting... rehashing of our breakup. Yep... Not really what I was looking for either.
On the plus side, it was interesting, because he was telling me how, even after our short relationship, he had really fallen for me, and just when the relationship got a bit difficult, I shut him out and broke up with him.... Sounds a bit familiar. Anyway, since then Brian has been kinda "shut off" from relationships, trying not to get hurt. He now blames me for that (semi-jokingly). That "shut off" feeling is kinda where I am at right now, and I suppose the lesson that I should take from this is not to let that permentalize (word?) in my mind-set. It's okay to feel self-protective for a while, but I shouldnt shut down the chances of future relationships just so I wont get hurt again.
Anywho... I got my new black IPod, and have been tinkering with that... Wonderful little machine. I have already wasted a ton of time playing with it... Just what I need: another distraction.
Okay, I need to get a move on. It's 10pm, and there is still lots of studying to be done.
I had a classmate approach me and ask me to blog a little about some of the antics that we practice during finals. Spend 14 hours a day in library (which I have largely NOT done, but many have) and funny things start happening. One friend's computer screen suffered permanent damage when it was struck by an orange flying through the library. Not really that shocking.
We start joking about our rotund Civil Procedure professor showing up people's doors wearing nothing but a Christmas Thong. (it would definitely be a Christmas, and not a Holiday, thong, because this guy is a major Catholic)
Another friend and I are pretending to be a couple in the presence of that same professor because he seems to enjoy that idea. Unfortunately, my wife-to-be is also of the "homosex-uwall persuasion." Hey, at least there wouldnt be any premarital sex.... At least with each other.
We talk about how we might throw off each other's test taking: Wearing butt-less chaps into the classroom and then dropping the exam... maybe buttering up a few days ahead so that it's all greasy and pimply... Anyway, thats severe... And it got vetoed because our classrooms are subzero, and those little plastic chairs would be hell on a bare ass.
Then theres the... "It-it-it-it might be a contract" that has become familiar to all of us. "No contract, no contract, no contract, no contract BOOM. Contract."
The jokes that are only funny when you are in a study room with the same crowd for days on end, and only because you have all become similarly geeked out.
And damn, I never thought I would become comfortable farting around people in such a large context. I had to start giggling in the library one late night when I ripped a loud one, but no one could hear it because everyone was wearing headphones... It wasnt so much funny that I farted, but that I got away with it... Then everyone else started letting them go too, and it was a bit oto much to take. Perhaps this is why there isnt a lot of law school romance going on.
But good Lord, do we talk about sex like it is going out of style. Maybe that's because it is. After studying Civil Procedure or Contracts for 8 hours, it is like your sex organs go on strike. They just refuse... "Nope, you havent given me enough to work with." I just look down at my crotch, and it's like, "Oh, you've got a headache? That's okay, I wasnt really feeling it anyway." Except of course with that mental picture of the professor in the Christmas thong...
Okay, other than the studying humor, not much going on. I got excessively wasted on Friday night on Jack Daniels. Then I met up with my favorite Ex in the world, Brian. I totally still think he is the coolest person ever. He was in town for business, but we hung out in uptown towards the end of the night. Then we went back to my place where we had the most exciting... rehashing of our breakup. Yep... Not really what I was looking for either.
On the plus side, it was interesting, because he was telling me how, even after our short relationship, he had really fallen for me, and just when the relationship got a bit difficult, I shut him out and broke up with him.... Sounds a bit familiar. Anyway, since then Brian has been kinda "shut off" from relationships, trying not to get hurt. He now blames me for that (semi-jokingly). That "shut off" feeling is kinda where I am at right now, and I suppose the lesson that I should take from this is not to let that permentalize (word?) in my mind-set. It's okay to feel self-protective for a while, but I shouldnt shut down the chances of future relationships just so I wont get hurt again.
Anywho... I got my new black IPod, and have been tinkering with that... Wonderful little machine. I have already wasted a ton of time playing with it... Just what I need: another distraction.
Okay, I need to get a move on. It's 10pm, and there is still lots of studying to be done.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
absurdly fun
there is just something about being in a sinking ship, surrounded by people you enjoy.
This is exam week. Yesterday was my first law school final, Contracts. It was about 4 hours long, and non-stop writing from the moment we sat down for it. I did my best, although I am fairly sure that I bombed one of the sections because I didnt understand what the prof was looking for. Ouch. I knew the info but... Ahh well. No use focusing on it, especially since I have Civil Procedure now staring me in the face. (actually more like squatting over my face getting ready to take a dump)
After the test yesterday we all went to a Pub, had food, beer and whiskey shots. By about 7pm we were all pretty... relaxed. Ended up back at Brianna's, when a new friend from work joined us. He and I disappeared upstairs to my apartment about 9pm, and much to our surprise, the cable guy was there. He was this very attractive asian-type in his 20s, working on our cable and internet until about 10pm. I was wondering if we were in a porn. Then I had a fun little make-out session with this new friend. I think there may have been a little pent-up frustration from a) spending the last week in the library and b) staring at this guy at work for the last months. He had taken off his shirt a couple of shifts ago, and I just about had to run to the little-boys room. Anyway, I am not looking for anything deep here, just messin around.
I called (Mitchell) the other day. Dont groan, it isnt like that... I just wanted to check and see how he was doing. There was absolutley no intention to restart our relationship, I just was checkin up. I left a nice message, and told him to give me a call. And he hasnt called back. I actually feel good about that. I did the right thing and I feel like this is some (small) sign that he is still hurting from the whole thing. Not that I am happy about that, but it is good to know that I wasnt the only one affected by the whole ordeal. Anyway. enough of that.
Well, I wish that I had more to report, but the library is my life right now. At least it's a fun library. (We have renamed our floor the "Absurd Floor." Fits pretty well.)
This is exam week. Yesterday was my first law school final, Contracts. It was about 4 hours long, and non-stop writing from the moment we sat down for it. I did my best, although I am fairly sure that I bombed one of the sections because I didnt understand what the prof was looking for. Ouch. I knew the info but... Ahh well. No use focusing on it, especially since I have Civil Procedure now staring me in the face. (actually more like squatting over my face getting ready to take a dump)
After the test yesterday we all went to a Pub, had food, beer and whiskey shots. By about 7pm we were all pretty... relaxed. Ended up back at Brianna's, when a new friend from work joined us. He and I disappeared upstairs to my apartment about 9pm, and much to our surprise, the cable guy was there. He was this very attractive asian-type in his 20s, working on our cable and internet until about 10pm. I was wondering if we were in a porn. Then I had a fun little make-out session with this new friend. I think there may have been a little pent-up frustration from a) spending the last week in the library and b) staring at this guy at work for the last months. He had taken off his shirt a couple of shifts ago, and I just about had to run to the little-boys room. Anyway, I am not looking for anything deep here, just messin around.
I called (Mitchell) the other day. Dont groan, it isnt like that... I just wanted to check and see how he was doing. There was absolutley no intention to restart our relationship, I just was checkin up. I left a nice message, and told him to give me a call. And he hasnt called back. I actually feel good about that. I did the right thing and I feel like this is some (small) sign that he is still hurting from the whole thing. Not that I am happy about that, but it is good to know that I wasnt the only one affected by the whole ordeal. Anyway. enough of that.
Well, I wish that I had more to report, but the library is my life right now. At least it's a fun library. (We have renamed our floor the "Absurd Floor." Fits pretty well.)
Friday, December 09, 2005
The Short Version
When I was 17 and in the Faith Reformed Youth Group, I went on a mission trip to Canada. I was dealing with a WHOLE lot of issues, among them this part of me that everyone said was wrong. At service one night, a pastor called us up to received the gifts of the spirit. He asked us to come and give ourselves completely to God.
I went up front and prayed. "God, take this from me. If it is evil, I will fight it, but tell me that this is a fight that you need from me."
In that moment I got hit with wave after wave of chills, and a feeling of peace that I long for to this day. I had given myself up to God, asked him to fix me, but instead, he filled me with Peace. A Peace that helped me to know that I was okay. That God didnt need this fight from me.
The problem, however, arose when that same youth group kicked me out some months later. They were sure that I had misinterpreted my message from the spirit.
At least, sure enough to kick a teenager out of their church.
I went up front and prayed. "God, take this from me. If it is evil, I will fight it, but tell me that this is a fight that you need from me."
In that moment I got hit with wave after wave of chills, and a feeling of peace that I long for to this day. I had given myself up to God, asked him to fix me, but instead, he filled me with Peace. A Peace that helped me to know that I was okay. That God didnt need this fight from me.
The problem, however, arose when that same youth group kicked me out some months later. They were sure that I had misinterpreted my message from the spirit.
At least, sure enough to kick a teenager out of their church.
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