Shoveling the turkey and stuffing the snow.

I should really be in bed about now... Tonight is the first thursday that I havent gone out to bar review in a while, but I figure that if nothing else I need to punish myself for missing class last week due to the drunkeness.

Life is good... I have been busy with friends, school, and a new dating situation which has arisen. After I went to the MJF banquet tonight, he came over and watched a movie (mirroring last night when, after a diversity reception at a firm, I met him out, came back and watched a movie...). He was laughing at me tonight because he asked what my "type" was, and he couldnt be more opposite, but at the same time I find him incredibly attractive and there is a wit about him. Doesnt vote though, which as petty as that is, is truly important to me. I guess that it is so engrained in me that a person out to AT LEAST do that to participate in the system that governs their lives. I have been working in elections since I was 14, so I have been taught that "non-voter" is a fairly negative term.

Whatever though. I find myself contented to be with him, and that is certainly enough for now. I dont know that either of us have much to invest in anything right now, so if it just happens to be "make-out" buddies or whatever, I can live with that. (note the psychological barriers being presented to avoid being hurt again)

Tomorrow I have a busy day, ending with me going to see Harry Potter at the IMAX with Christina. I am SO excited about that! It is such a treat for me. I see movies so rarely lately, and Harry Potter is awesome as it is, but to be able to see it at the IMAX is the ultimate thrill. Plus, any time out with Christina is fabulous to start with.

Carey called tonight to tell me she loves me and misses me. I cant wait to see her over Thanksgiving. While it will be a short trip (Wed-Sat.) and we will be in Flint, MI and we will be dealing with our first visit with Grandpa since he started chemo, it is still my family, and I still love them till I could burst. Good stuff.

No such thing as a free lunch? You haven't been to law school, have you?

Im in a remarkably good mood considering that I didnt get a warm shower this morning... We had our first snow last night, and I am beginning to get a taste of the frigid Minnesota winter. This should be fun.

This week I have had a free catered lunch for the last three lunches, go to a free reception tonight and a catered awards ceremony tomorrow night. Hmmm... I might be learning something at these things too... Its all good.

I just got a call earlier from one of the companies that was ripping me off last week... They completely apologized and are taking the charge off my card. NICE!

I stayed up late on Monday and had a gentleman caller over. It was exciting and fun, although I was a little caught up in the fact that I hadn't "been" with anyone but (Mitchell) since May. I got over it, and only as I feel asleep did I think about the different kissing styles I had encountered. Overall though, at least I have officially moved on in at least a physical sense. It sounds silly, but given how into (Mitchell) I was, I thought for awhile that I could never be attracted to anyone else. I was wrong.

Also resolved was an issue at work this last weekend. More or less I had a hellish shift because I grew increasingly tired and found that my boss and coworkers were picking on me in a rather harsh manner. I actually came fairly close to walking out on the shift... Drastic for me to be sure. I talked to Dad and my old bar boss the next day, both of them seemed shocked (and a bit angered) at the way I was being treated by my boss, and so I wrote him an email... Without getting into it, he and I talked it out, and I think have come to an understanding. I am still a little nervous about going back in their after creating that drama, but at least know that I have voiced my concerns... Plus, if I get treated like that again, I know that I am fully reasonable in walking out.

The up side of the whole thing was that it reminded me starkly of how my past relationship made me feel unworthy and self-conscious. And yet, once again, when I went back to my friends at school, they made the whole world feel better in the knowledge that I do indeed deserve more from both a relationship and a job. They really made me feel worlds better. Great people to be sure.

I am, however, glad that I still have my job for the time, because I am spending about a grand over winter break on getting home and then going on a fantastic ski trip with some other students in January. I am extremely excited about both prospects, but it is, of course, important to not blow all my cash to do that stuff.

Okay, back to class... I need to get way more disciplined... Finals are going to kick me ass if I dont start focusing.

Rediscovering Reading

Every once in awhile I shock myself by sitting down with a good book and truly enjoying myself. I got far too wasted last night and have absolutely no ambition to go out tonight and be social. Briana is gone, so I dont have to feel like I am missing anything major by being anti-social either... So in the face of a Friday night home alone, I started to wonder if I would begin to feel lonely. I picked up one of the many books I have been meaning to get to, and have completely enjoyed myself in that moment. I should make more time for reading for enjoyment (as much as I enjoy reading Civil Procedure).

I had a really good talk with Will yesterday. I base my friendships on moments when people need me or I need someone else, and he needed to hear from me just about then. Some dick friend of his had written a horribly mean email about him and forwarded it to a bunch of friends, essentially causing Will to question his relationships. There isnt much I could tell Will except that he is a fantastic friend, and that I miss him a ton. Its funny because I feel like I grew so much for knowing him. I had spent the last week listening to music he exposed me to, having political thoughts that he had swayed me towards... even watching the O.C. which was our guilty pleasure senior year. The more I think about it, the more i get pissed off at the person who maliciously went after one of my best friends.

I sat in domestic abuse court Thursday morning. It was both interesting and intriguing. The judge was compassionate and respectful to the defendants, but I saw him exercise his wrath a few times too. One guy had violated a no-contact order by calling the victim from jail, and the judge just about went ape-shit. What was even more interesting for me though was that of the 15 or so defendants that I saw, only one was white. Domestic Abuse statistics really cover all demographics, so why there was such a racial discrepancy here, I dont have any idea. But my observation was more focused on the system: Here are all these black defendants sitting in front of a white judge, prosecuted by a white ADA, led in by white bailiffs, reporting to a white probation officer, being defended by a white PD. The only black people in the system other than the defendant were the two court reporters, who have little interaction in the proceedings.

I went to a diversity dinner a couple of weeks back, and one of the speakers, a black judge, talked about the fact that if there is the appearence that justice isnt served, then the court systems have failed and justice will fail. The courts can be perfectly fair, but if defendants think that they are getting a bum rap because of their race, then they will not respect what they have done nor the punishment that they receive. The system will fail. Judge Zimmerman, the judge I was visiting, said that it is important to him that in respecting the defendants and being patient with them, he hopes that everyone who walks out of the court will know that they deserved their punishment because of their actions, not because the judge was white. Especially noticiable was that even with a packed docket, Judge Z took the time to greet each defendant with "Good Morning Sir," and really tried to make sure he was pronouncing everyone's names correctly. This was pretty cool to watch.

Anyway, I am starting to feel like I need to crack the whip on myself about classes. I missed a full day today, and have been failing to pay attention in Contracts and Civil Procedure lately. Not good. That is definitely going to catch up with me. Damn you Snood/Freecell/PartyPoker.com/AIM/email/Slate.com. See? Just too many distractions.

As for now, I am ready for bed, happy to have refound the contentment in a good book, and thinking of all the good friends I have. Warm and happy thoughts. Nice.

from my friend's blog

CREED FROM A LATIN AMERICAN MASS:
I believe in God, Creator of an unfinished world Who does not decree an eternal plan of development in which we cannot participate.

I believe in God, Who has not divided people into the poor and rich, specialists and ignorant, owners and slaves.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Who saw the world situation and Who took a stand in it.Taking Him as my example, I see the precaution with which we must organize, the extent to which our intelligence is atrophied, our imagination impoverished, and our efforts neutralized.

Each day I fear that He may have died in vain because we do not live as He lived, because we betray His message.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Who rises for our life so that we may be liberated from the prejudices and presumptions of fear and hate, so that we may transform the world into the Kingdom of God.

I believe in the Spirit Who came with Jesus into the world.I believe in the community of all peoples. And in our responsibility for making of our world a place of misery, hunger and violence or the City of God.

I believe that it is possible to build a just peace.

I believe that a life full of meaning is possible for all and in the future if this world of God. AMEN.

Getting Screwed

I dont know if it is a bad karma thing or what this week, but it truly seems like the world is out to get me. I am normally the antithesis of an alarmist, but this week I feel like I have had to be far more assertive than I am normally just to keep from getting bulldozed.

There's the bank thing, where I have not one, but two transactions that I have to contest as fraudulent. First a check that I canceled, from an account that I canceled has posted on my new account for about $80. The bank cant find the check to verify it or check it out, and somehow this is my responsibility. I went over a little bit of contract law and Banking and Securities regulations, and it looks like they are going to be a bit more helpful. But I shouldnt have had to even do that. Yuck.

Then there is the charge for a DVD I rented, never received, and am now being charged $40 for not returning. I have contacted the company three times by email and three times by phone to try to get ahold of them and mediate the situation. No response. Geez. No wonder the world is so full of lawyers: because assholes like this make it necessary to keep from getting ripped off.

Part of me says to let both things go. I make enough to cover both things and not sweat too much. Is it really worth me getting all bejiddered about? But its a lot of money if you think about it, and there is the whole merit of the thing.

I am also in a tiff with one of my better friends. Long story short, she told me she was going to go with me (and therefore drive me) to this job fair for public interest law. This event happens once a year, and is truly a unique opportunity to meet people in the very niche in which I want to practice law. I got all dressed up, shaved even, and then she ditched me in a very rude manner.

Part of it is that I would have had many opportunities to find another ride if I had been told ahead of time. Part of it is that I hate feeling like a burden to others, and am ESPECIALLY sensitive to others making me feel like a burden. That is exactly how I ended up feeling. So then I dared to get upset with this friend, and now she doesnt seem to have any interest in talking to me. I didnt get an invite out for our normal Tuesday night outing, and things are getting progressively chillier...

Perhaps it is juvenile of me, but I see this as her wrong to be righted. She should approach me and apologize now, not just for ditching me rudely and leaving me high-n-dry for an important event, but for not recognizing that I had a right to be upset about that. But it sucks, because as much as I am good IN a conflict, I hate being in the MIDST of a conflict that has no foreseeable end, it throws me way out of wack. And the longer we wait to resolve this, the bigger an issue it becomes.

Again, do I let this go and forgive even though she hasnt asked forgiveness and dont recognize that I got screwed by this friend, or do I maintain the emotional energy to stand up for myself? Yuck... It has just been one of those weeks. Im getting screwed everyway except the way I would prefer to be.

My thoughts on abdominal muscles...

So being single, I once again get to make observations about the market and dating here. The dating scene here seems to be more superficial even than I was used to before. Perhaps I am older, and thus less superficial. Perhaps I am older and more sensible. Perhaps I am just older, and now superficiality now works against me. But the bar, the internet, its all about muscle size and cock size. To be honest, perhaps it is liberating at first to see sexual desire so liberated, but then I start to think if it is actually liberating the desire and not bottling it up into little itty-bitty impossible images.

My roommate, who I like a lot thusfar, has this computer screensaver that flashes hot guys with six-pack abs and rippling muscles to be seen in the living room. At first I was attracted to the idea of having such a casual display of hot men. But then I started to get concerned. This is a media thing. While I dont blame the media culture for using the hottest guys and girls they can get their hands on to promote products, I do become concerned with how much of this stuff we take to heart. When we are told that THIS is what beauty is, it is almost impossible to stop from evaluating ourselves and others based on those same standards. Do I have a six-pack? No? Then I am clearly not beautiful. Does he have a six-pack? No? Then he isnt either.

I am quickly becoming acquinted with someone at work who is physically gorgeous but so devoid of any sort of morals or drive or passion that he comes off very sad to me. Everyone kinda drools over this guy, but I cease to even find him attractive regardless of his flawless look and willingness to show it off. I started to think about that...

Why am I not attracted to his abs? After a few moments of contemplation I thought, "Why would I be?" When I see someone with a perfect physique, with very few exceptions (Mitchell being one of them) I see narcissism and self-involvment. Dont get me wrong: I am all for fit and able bodies. I am myself moderately selective of the body types I will bunk up with. But I see a man who spends hours at the gym everyday and I see someone who ISNT involved in the community, ISNT helping others, ISNT taking those hours to make the world a better place. I suppose I see the same thing in people who dont lead an active lifestyle.

While we all need to stay in shape, and we all need to take care of ourselves, it should be for the greater good. We should do those things to empower and energize ourselves to be more capable in our vocations to better the world.

I wish that the world, and the gay world in particular, would see beauty in a much more diverse light. Gay men get hooked on Crystal and start wasting away, and they delight because they get skinnier. Gay men chase the HIV "bug" knowing that the medicines will deplete your fat cells and help you obtain those rock-hard abs. This shit is not healthy! And its not what I am into.

Abs can turn me on for a night, but come morning are useless to me. It is passion and committment and humor and intelligence and self-respect and grace that make up my ideal of beauty. I have taken to turning off my roommates computer screen in an effort to recognize that, at least for me, I refuse to accept such a boxed standard of beauty in my men and in myself.

Step One: Replace Boyfried with Video Game

What a great weekend just to chill out. I had a couple of low moments last week, dealing with the break-up, just around the time of Mom's birthday... It was wierd having come down from a time period where i was largely working a ton at the new bar or working on my memo. I finally got down to the reality of the break up.

To be clear: I don't want him back, I just am not real thrilled about being single right now. So in order to adjust, I bought a half-dozen DVDs and an absolutely captivating video game (X-Men Legends II) and I spent most of the weekend just sitting on my ass, making myself happy. While my new roommate probably thinks I am a lazy sloth, I can deal with that for the moment. I worked a good shift on Saturday, had alcohol serving training today... Didnt think about law school all weekend. Nice.

Not much else to report it seems for the moment. The apartment looks great with the new (ultra organized) additions of the new roommate. We are not best friends, but we get along fine. I have fairly easy week ahead, and look forward to more chilling. Good times.

Oh, and check out this Sarah McLaughlin music video. It is truly inspiring. There is so much to do in this world. I guess we should all get started.

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/mclachlan_sarah/videos.jhtml

So I miss him

Ive promised myself so many times that I wouldnt write this. But then I realize that in avoiding the act of writing I am being false and only giving this more weight than perhaps I should. I miss him. Seriously, to the point where my chest aches... I am the "break-up guy." Break-up, move on and be over it.

I have been extremely successful in the last few weeks of distracting myself with everything around me. The Bar, my first legal writing memo (just finished it a couple hours ago). But there is still so much that reminds me not just that I am alone, but that I miss him in particular. Songs. Thoughts. Phrases.

I just watched episode 11 of the first season of Sex and the City. Carrie has become all full of self doubt because she is so in love with Big and they have stopped having sex. Gone into the normacy of a relationship. So many comments that she made hit at home. I realized that through this whole thing, I was Carrie and (Mitchell) was Big. Comments just scared me about how things could get so out of my control, and I could feel so unappreciated, yet tolerate it in the name of love. At one point she storms out, waiting for him to come after her. And then to call her. She gets nothing. Been there for sure.

The thing that gets me though is that Carrie and Big do end up together in the end, albeit six years later. I know I am worth more than I was getting. I know exactly what I bring to the table. But there are moments that it is difficult to get past how solitary I feel in my own skin at the moment.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about death. Something like how to truly appreciate life, one must appreciate death, and vice versa. I feel a bit like that right now. I guess I didnt appreciate how much I was in love until I had to walk away and let that love go. And it hurts. But I guess that is how I know it was real.

Perhaps the fact that I was able to love should offer me hope that I can love again. Right now I just want the (Mitchell) back that I fell in love with.

moment of panic and the UCC

I have been having a really good couple of days. I received the glorious blessing on Sunday of an extensioin on my legal writing memo till Friday, which made work more relax and my life a lot less harried.

Work at the bar has become much more leisurely, as I have grown to get to know the staff and the way things run. When you get down to it, a bar is a bar, a martini is a martini. The computer system was the worst learning curve, and I quickly have become acostumbed to that. Oh... And the money is terrific.

I seemed to misplace my cell phone yesterday, but I refused to get out-of-whack about it... I had a very limited area of space I could have lost it in, so i figured it would turn up. I got an email this morning though from a law-school administrator telling me to call my father. I pretty much freaked out. I ran out of the class room, figuring that my Grandfather had died, and Dad was trying to get ahold of me to let me know... Actually, the Uof M campus had found my phone in their parking lot and called the "Dad" entry. Pheewww. That had me worried.

The reason that I was at the U in the first place was that I went to a Same-Sex Marriage debate at their law school. It was quite interesting really, and I ended up making a "contractual model" argument for marriage in the face of the two models offered up. The Defense Alliance guy (anti-SSM) said that the courts have never granted the right to "marry whomever you want," (the companionship model of marriage) but rather that the State Interest in marriage lies in the foundation of stable familes for the burden of child-rearing. Since SSM fundamentally doesnt have the burden of child-rearing, there is no state interest in it.

Interesting argument, really... Except it forgets that Marriage is largely a contract. In the "Contract Model" I proposed, the state has an extremely large interest in stabilizing and establishing the union of two people who own property and accounts, may have children, and have entered into life-long partnerships. The State-Interest in this sort of policy is extremely strong... Think about the costs of divorce and child support... How much harder are these issues to establish justice if one party decides to leave after 40 years of shared venture.

Anyway, the Defense Alliance guy then referenced a book called, "From Sacrament to Contract." Interesting, I thought... Since the US government is NOT in the business of establishing and recognizing sacraments, but IS in the business of doing so with contracts. Then the D.A. guy said, "I wouldn't want the UCC (uniform commercial code) getting involved between me and my wife." My friend Meg leaned over and pointed out that in our Contracts class (1st year class) we had learned that the UCC only applies to the sale of goods. I pointed that out loudly, to much laughter. The D.A. guy responded, "You dont know my wife..."

Wow, that says a lot about how he views HIS marriage.

Go ahead, keep defending Britney's Vegas wedding. Im coming to get you... Two more years of legal education and I am REALLY going to kick your ass.

Getting down to it

A rainy sunday. I have been working my ass off the last two nights, starting to realize that 12 hour shifts on your feet can be a bit draining. Today I have to get my legal writing memo done, and I am now at the point that I jsut need to get it started (I just realized that I gained an hour with daylight savings time... NICE!)

Friday night I worked with Blake, who always seemed very distant and territorial, and Max, who I was warned would hate me because I am didnt work my way up into the position. Turns out that I got along fantastically with both of them. I think they just needed to see that I am decent at my job and a nice person, because both of them are two. I think they feared that I was a pretty-boy hire who wouldnt be able to pull his weight and had nothing to offer other than my looks (there are a couple of examples of this at the bar). Anyway, I got my ass handed to me while I was alone on the floor during happy hour, and Blake came on and reassured me that it wasnt my fault. I truly had felt like quiting. Well, things looked better and better as the night progressed, and I ended up walking out of there with close to $300. Sweet!

Last night I ended up putting on full skeleton makeup, a very interesting ordeal, but it looked awesome and I got many kudos, including from my boss who was pleased that I went all-out. The bar had a special promotion which blew because there was confusion about what people were supposed to be getting and nobody tipped on the free drinks that they did get. I ended up getting cut early, which was fantastic, and after hanging out on the other side of the bar and realizing that I have no gay friends to hang out with, I went with my new manager to the Saloon, where I just kinda chilled till I went home.

At this point, I feel a tad lonely, having not seen my friends in a few days, and knowing that I still have yet to find a group of gays. I see these groups at my bar and it makes me want to just go, "Can I be your friend?" in a sad, pathetic manner. I think back on all the friend groups I have been a part of in Michigan and Milwaukee, and I realize that it is only a matter of time, but I miss them all.

Two notes:
1) I had gotten up the courage to ask one of the administrators at my university out for dinner. Yep. Catholic University, administrator. Probably not the smartest idea, especially since I wasnt 100% sure he is gay. He seemed shocked and said, "I would have to say no."

I saw him out last night. At least I know my gaydar is working.

2) To the "pretty" girls who think that they deserve more than everyone else, I will tell you just what I told the bitchy ones on Friday who were a tad demanding: "The boobs odnt do anything for me, and I pour the same for everyone. Get over it." And if you think promising to tip me big makes you better than everyone else, you should probably realize how cheap you just made the entire transaction and how much LESS likely you are to get what you want thinking that I am a prostitute.

There are hangovers I know I deserve... I want to appeal this one to a higher court

Good God. I wasnt this drunk last night, was I? Of wait. I was.

I managed to drunkenly clean most of the face makeup off of me (its still in the shower) but neglected my neck and ears, so I was an odd site this morning. The makeup actually worked out pretty well. I would be a big fan of this costume if it wasnt so tight in the butt. But then, that might be perfect for work... Hmmm...

I cant even believe I am up for class. I guess that partially I just need to go to get my phone/bag/coat from Jake cause I left all that stuff at his house. Seriously, I dont even remember who gave me a ride home... I remember going to the St Thomas parking structure, and coming home and chatting online... I didnt even drink that much. A couple strong Captains at Jake's place, then two beers and a shot with Matt. Maybe the shot did me in. I was supposed to go to a breakfast thing this morning, but forgot all about it, and even if I hadnt, with the prospect of work tonight, sleep was very much a priority.

Fun night though... Reclaimed the "Girlfriend" song, so now my memory wont be of (Mitchell) it will be of me dancing with Strawberry Shortcake, a fairy, and a very tall hairy nurse. That makes me happy.

Oh yeah baby, just like that!

urbanchristian00: why do we have to get the hours in in the first place?
SM: part of that mentor externship thing
SM: makes us good people :-)
urbanchristian00: eat me
SM: I deserved that
urbanchristian00: lol... that's right woman, get back in the kitchen
SM: yes massa
urbanchristian00: HAHAHA
SM: can i get you a nightcap and your smoking jacket?
urbanchristian00: not if it means leaving the kitchen
SM: then we can do it in the missionary position while I conceieve your glorious children
SM: ha ha ha
urbanchristian00: jesus... that's so wrong
urbanchristian00: wait... are you that crazy lesbian looking for a sperm donor?
SM: no!!! I dont need anything else right now that requires my time and attention
urbanchristian00: my plants are dying... seriously
SM: i only have one left
SM: my baby would be neglected.
SM: but if it makes you feel better, we can keep you in mind for sperm later :-)
SM: just kidding- i dont wanna know the guy
urbanchristian00: lol... thanks.
urbanchristian00: yeah, I will have to hook you up with one of my tricks... he doesnt even have to know about it... i'll just grab the condom off the floor for you
SM: now THAT was wrong
urbanchristian00: hehe... best of both worlds
SM: well done grasshopper
urbanchristian00: i could judge his intellect, attractivness, and... stature for you
SM: would it be akward to ask for his family medical history during foreplay?
urbanchristian00: i can get creative... "Oh yeah, just like that... hey, did your grandfather have diabetes? Oh, dont stop..."

This is SOOO not good. But in a good way.

Well, the midterm grades were just released. Be proud, because I scored far higher than I thought I would, among the top of the class. Sounds good right?

Not really. I KNOW how my mind works. From here on out, for the rest of the semester, I am going to be thinking, "Well, I did okay on the midterm, this isnt that hard..." Having done well with little effort in the beginning will make it SO much harder to legitimize good study skills later in the semester. Bad brain. Bad!

I had a wonderful morning today in prayer and reflection. Felt good to take a little bit to nurture that relationship. I have a ton to do right now, but that makes it almost more important for me to reconnect spiritually.

Okay, back to class. (even now I am not paying attention... he's talking about the exam. I aced it, so I dont need to pay attention, right?)

Blah...

Sooooo much I should be doing right now. Eh. Whatever.

This week is deadly busy, with my finalized memo due Nov. 1... That is about 9 days away, which seems workable, but I am scheduled at the bar for five nights between now and then. Add random meetings this week and such and it is a busy week. The random stuff like cleaning and laundry are catching up to me too, but I guess I am in denial about going back to class tomorrow. I'll make it through this, I always like a challenge.

"How come the world wont stop spinning now that you're gone? I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong." Just spent a half an hour reading through my entries from June-Sept.... Just examining my feelings through the whole (Mitchell) thing. Last night the DJ played the "Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song... That combined with Kelly Clarkston can take me down a notch... But not substanstially. I guess that I am bouncing pretty well overall.

God, I had a good time last night!

First day at the office...

Just got back from my first night at the bar. It was a blast. Seriously hard work, but a blast. It was like my work at THREE, shaking martinis constantly and running out of glassware and bottles of alcohol, except surrounded on all sides by cute men begging your attention. The coworkers are going to take a little while to warm to me, but I like them overall... It was so much fun to be surrounded again. Having my smile suffice for a flirt... Knowing that I could have gone home with any number of guys if a I wanted to. One guy specificically said, "any guy that gave you up is a fool," without knowing how pertinent that was to my situation. Felt great. Long ass shifts though.

My boss is cool. He seems very confident in me, and it turns out that he put his ass on the line by hiring me, because he was supposed to refer me to the owners first. I guess I dont understand why he didnt in the first place, and I cant feel guilty that he made that move, but I do feel a certain level of pride that he was that sure of me.

The place got packed. I dont know how much money I am going to make, but it is going to be a good place to work, for sure. The music rocked, and I felt like I connected with at least a couple of the other employees. Ended up playing bouncer at the end of the night keeping these drunken straight boys out. We ended up calling the cops, but only after I physically prevented them from entering and played the "tough guy." I totally wrote it off as the Milwaukee experience, when it really wasnt something I had to practice in Milwaukee... Just had to be prepared to do so. Anyway.

Time for bed. I am happy with the new job, and it will definitely keep me focused this next week. Holy shit, I have SOOO much to do!

Back to life, back to reality

I just sent out my insurance form for the DVDs that my old roommate stole. I feel like that closes that chapter. The photos of (Mitchell) are down, leaving several empty frames, and his phone number has been pushed back from its primary space on my phone to take its spot in the alphabetical listings of my friends. It is this little stuff that will help me to keep moving through this.

Yesterday I awoke alone after another bland night with (Mitchell). I had thought about spending Thursday night there too, but it just didn't seem to make sense... I have learned what he is capable and incapable of, and as much as i had this fantasy that he would do something so romantic that night that he would win me back, it was just me lying to myself... It never would have happened. So I wrote him a note, left it on the bed, collected my things, and drove home. That was that. It's over.

I got home after making the drive from Milwaukee to Minneapolis in a record 4 hours. Still didnt get pulled over. Talk about good karma or something. I worked out for a bit, then went and drank FAR too much with Brianna, Maggie and Ted. Fun group. Fun night. Ended up back at Ted's house, somehow got convinced to play hide-and-seek (I won)...

Granted, the night had its moments of loneliness and internal sadness, but Brianna is always good about making sure I dont stay there for very long. All in all, I am happy to be back... so far. These next couple of weeks are going to be deadly hard, but that'll be a good distraction for me. I go to work at BOOM tomorrow for the first time, and I have "first day jitters" but am very excited about it overall.

I will have to post the whole break-up thing later, along with other trip details... Right now I am just trying to recapture my normal life.

back in Milwaukee

Just spent the day doing service with Justine and her coworkers from CreditSuisse. It was actually kind of nice, a good way to take my mind off of anything important. Started by tarring the roof of the rectory, then covering old windows… Just generally fix-it stuff. Now I am in Milwaukee, and trying to make sure I can salvage a friendship between (Mitchell) and I. Do I wish that by some miracle we could renew the relationship? Yes, absolutely. But I just got here to find that he had gone to go hear Dan Savage speak without so much as telling me. That’s kind of a big “fuck you,” you know? I am going to just chill, I really have learned not to be disappointed by him. Just one more example why this cant work. Gives me a chance just to chill for the moment though. That feels nice.

(ten minutes later)

(Charley) just got back… (Mitchell) is now going to coffee with a couple of people… How perturbed should I be? Jesus… How could I ever have thought this would work?

I can't make you love me.

I need to write this now. In a couple of weeks I am going to start really really missing (Mitchell), and then I am going to remember all of the things that made me love him in the first place. I am not going to remember how miserable I have been these last few weeks because of his increasingly chilly and distant behavior. I may not remember what a horrid boyfriend he really was: never did anything special for me, never complimented me, never really showed any signs of his love for me. I will forget that this last Friday night he didn’t even come over and say Hi to me when I stopped to see him at work. I wont remember how he didn’t even want to touch me while we ate cheesecake in the park. I wont remember how uninterested he was in even being with me. I wont remember that we sat on his bed, watched a movie, and didn’t once touch each other. I may even forget how insecure I have become in my own attractiveness, feeling undesirable because my own boyfriend didn’t desire me.

It turns out that we were holding on too tightly to the memory of what we had. Perhaps it was just a great summer of love. I truly, truly, needed this relationship: all of my friends had left me, I was alone in the city, and I had nothing else going for me that summer. I am SO very grateful for the time we had. Perhaps we were foolish to make this more than that.

I finally approached him after the movie on Friday night. “What can we do to get back to that place again?” The place where we were so passionate with each other, where we talked each other to sleep, where the simple touch of him was enough for me. Somewhere in the last month, that place had been lost, and I don’t know how to get back to it. I have been trying my damnedest, with only increased resistance on (Mitchell's) part.

(Mitchell) claimed to be having trouble with the distance thing. Fair enough. At the same time, he is disconnecting with his friends back home right now too. He is going through a rough transition period right now, and in all likelihood is depressed. We said that we want to hold onto the memory of how good the relationship was, and hold onto the hope that perhaps someday will be the right time and place to try it again. We were good together, hopefully one day we can be again. But we cant continue to let the relationship spoil right now.

What does this mean for me? It means that I have to let go of someone I love so much it hurts because he cant love me back right now. That sucks! I look at my perspective, and there is nothing that I can change (other than moving back to Mke, which is unreasonable considering…), no greater amount of energy that I can put in to make this work. The failure is, indeed, on (Mitchell’s) end. I don’t want to make it sound like I am placing blame, but I also don’t want to walk away from this feeling like I could have done more, because I couldn’t have. All of my friends have seen the way that this affects me, and many are astounded that I have let him bring me down this much. I love him. I want nothing more than to renew the relationship we had even one month ago and have a life together with him. But I have to let (Mitchell) do his part. I have to let him restore his life, figure out what he needs, and someday come back to me.

I am so intensely happy with my life in Minneapolis right now, with incredible friends, a great school, a fantastic apartment and a city just waiting for me… There is no reason that I should let this one aspect of my life bring me down so hard.

So…. That’s that. I will continue my life. I will take down the photos of him all over my apartment, and I will start bartending again, dating again, and perhaps I will find someone who is closer to the 99% of what I want. And yet I still love him for his sense of humor, his honesty, his thirst to see and do things, his kindness to his friends… There is no one in the world that my heart has gone thumpty-thump so erratically for.

I hope that perhaps (Mitchell) will come back to me some day. Maybe he will have gone to counseling and an objective party will have told him what a moron he has been to let me leave. Maybe he will have an epiphany and see that as he has been getting older, his relationships have been getting exponentially shorter, and that he may indeed need to become a better boyfriend before he ends up lonely. I don’t want him to be alone. I wish for him every happiness. I just wish I was there to be a part of it.

As we have it planned, I will still see him for a couple of days this weekend, and I will still come back for his birthday around Christmas. We are still close. I still love him, and he says that he still loves me. I guess this is the point where I let go and let God. It still sucks though.

This love shit is not as fun as it looks.

Better and Better...

I was giving this tour one day around Marquette, something that had become so old-hat for me by that point that it was said that I could "Enroll an atheist in the seminary" when a public safety officer stopped the tour. As we passed he asked, "How you all doing?" I responded with, "Just fine," continuing along with my well-timed tour. He stopped us and said, you really should say "Better and Better," because that's all we get in this life, and that sort of optimism is what makes people achieve more. He prattled on for a bit, and quite frankly I was glad to escape from him when I finally got the tour to move on.

Recently though, I have taken to this "Better and Better" answer. There is really so much to it. Although some days I feel like I am saying it almost sarcastically, most of the time it is a wonderful reminder of the world of opportunity that lies ahead. Today is gray and rainy, and I had a long day of classes, so I can surely say that things will get "better and better." Yesterday I had a job interview and got a call from someone very unexpected, so things were indeed getting better and better.

It felt so good to go out with my friend Meg on Sunday night. I had, until then, only gone out with the gay crowd (with my roommate who I then had to remove) once in this city. Law school is wonderful, but it is so very very sterile and clean, and free from any sort of gay life. And whether I want to admit it or not, being gay has become part of my culture. I have started to sorely miss being around people who are part of that culture. Anyway, ShowTune Sunday at Boom was wonderful because I got to be around a bit of it. Also, Meg's friends are all very spiritual (Meg's partner and two of the others that were there are preachers) so it was indeed even more amazing for me to be able to "get my gay on" without the conversation inevitablly turning to sex. A solid group of good people.

Anyway, while I was there, I put in what I call a "dead application." This is when you give the app to someone who just nods, smiles, and sticks it in a drawer. At bars, especially for competitive bartending spots, if you dont speak with the manager or owner, you dont have a chance. But I had brought my old bosses' very kind letter of rec, and the group letter of rec that I had, and just took my chances. Along the same lines, the group of guys were goading me to be a bit more brave than I would normally be, and I took an unusual chance, which tendered no apparent results.

Well, Monday I got a call from the bar manager. This is truly astounding. Tuesday he interviewed me, and hired me on for Saturday nights. Amazing! He is totally willing to work with my schedule, and this place is very classy. I have to were a uniform (dont worry, it is more than a purple thong)! So, now I have a new home bar, a place where I can "get my gay on", earn a little money, and distract me reasonably from law school. It's perfect!

Also yesterday, I got a phone call regarding my other venture, which was also quite unexpected! Better and Better!

So, I had a lot of blessings, have relaxed with friends who are both faithful and fun, and truly had a good week of things. We all had our Lawyering Skills midterm on Tuesday morning, which I felt I had prepared to the best of my ability for. The only thing that worries me is the curve: there are some smart ass kids in my section! But no matter what, I did my best, as cheesy as that sounds.

I have one more midterm left on friday, after which I drive to Milwaukee for the night, spend some time with (Mitchell) and then drive to TC for Sat-Monday. Tuesday I drive to Chicago, spend the night with Will, J, D, and hopefully Carey, and then go back to Milwaukee Wednesday to spend the rest of break with (Mitchell). This was a hard schedule to figure out, becuase there are so many people I want to see and because (Mitchell) initially planned on coming but then had to deal with work things. At first that got to me, but I soon realized that this job change he is doing is important to him, thus it is important to me, and there is nothing that either of us can do about this scheduling hardship during my break. No point in getting salty about it.

The break will also be good to reestablish the relationship between him and I. It could just be that he is distracted, or it could mean that his feelings have changed but the phone calls have been dwindling, he doesnt seem much interested in talking to me, and I remember that "pre-hickies" he sent me periodic text messages saying he missed me. I dont think he has said that or the L-word in a while, which just makes things feel much more chilly. Hopefully, this next week will either a) determine one way or another if he is still interested in me and b) rekindle the relationship if he is.

My panic mode is a bit less right now than it was before. After our last weekend together, I was essentially told (by him) to operate as if I was single out here. In doing so I have rediscovered a bit of self-worth that I have lost along the way. I am at the point myself where I would LOVE if my relationship with (Mitchell) could continue, could strengthen, but I no longer hold the blind hope for it that I did before. Perhaps this is what the substance of a REAL relationship is about: functionalism of realizing how important a friend the other is. I have never allowed a relationship to get past the dying of the honeymoon stage before. Perhaps this all is normal. Nonetheless, this next week should be very determinitive for us, for good or for bad, and I look forward to the resolve one way or another.

Better and Better.

Better now

Yep... That was a bad hang-over mood. In truth, I think things are okay. Looks like I have a new roommate, Im going out with friends tonight shirking both my TV watching and homework responsibilites. This week is managable, then I get a week off. Laundry is folded, bills are done, and I feel better. (fluids help)