I can't breathe until you're resting here with me...

It's a little after 10pm, and I have all sorts of work to do for the week. Once again I am sitting here, contemplating the fact that tomorrow I start my last week of classes at Marquette. I am graduating. I am moving. My friends will be leaving, and I am now, just now, really starting to get it.

I went out last night after work to join Justine and Danielle and a few others at La Perla. Kendra was there. I hadnt seen her in ages. I know that she is dissapointed that I am not the friend she was hoping for. We have just grown apart, and I let that happen. That's gotta be okay. But just hanging out with her on Saturday made me really feel it. Here is this person that I was friends with, who meant a lot to me, and we will be moving on in a few short weeks, and we wont be friends anymore. What do I do about that?

I guess that I just need to be grateful for the moments that we had. For the times that she was an incredible friend to me. For the hope that she will have her every wish fulfilled in life.

I can't help but feel a little bit lonely. I want someone's arms to curl up in, who I can know will not be leaving me, who will be with me through these transitions. And funny, I think I could have that person if I would let it happen, but I know that this, how I am feeling right now, is just a moment, a moment that will pass as I go through the next weeks and really enjoy my goodbyes.

Still no word on Senior Speaker. Good God. I just want to know.

I have been dealing with an unbelievable amount of itching and my skin is bubbling up around my hands. I went to the doctor, and I have an allergic reaction to something. I got a cream that should take care of the cause, but the itching could persist for up to 3 weeks. Great. That's just what I need.

Bill and I had a bit of a confrontation at the bar last night. I have been doing SOOOO well for him, and I heard from another source that he has hired someone on for Monday nights (a shift that I normally work). I dont object to the new hire, he's a friend of mine, but I totally feel like I was shafted by taking a shift I expected to work all summer away from me. I am sure it is just miscommunication, but that doesnt help me make any money this summer.

Friday I had sent out an email to Prof. Hernandez, telling him I was really resentful of the way he addressed me in class on Wednesday (essentially blaming me for other stuff going on in the class). He sent me three emails to apologize. They were very sincere, and I totally feel better about things now. Water under the bridge I guess.

So where am I now? Tired. Scared. Wishing I had more time with my friends. Wondering where the time all went. Hoping that I dont have to grow up too fast. Maybe if I dont get these final projects done, they wont let me graduate, and I can keep things the way they are? I don't think so.

Ahhh... "Where the Streets Have no Name" just came on my mp3 player. There isnt any more emblematic song for my career here. The rush of the start of the basketball games. The cheering with the best friends I could hope for. The feeling that we can take on the world. The knowledge that we will have to do just that.

the first part seems about right...

Your Birthdate: April 27

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate. There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do. This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative. You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Atlanta here I come?

>

American Cities That Best Fit You:

70% Washington, DC

60% Atlanta

60% San Francisco

55% Los Angeles

50% Chicago

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

If I pass enough gas, will that fumigate my apartment?

It is early morning Tuesday. I should be writing my classical music piece. Definitely procrastinating there. Whatever. I took the day off of classes yesteday so that I could spend the 12 hour chunk of my day writing my paper. It is now substantially finished. I probably have another 3-4 pages to go, just a couple more points to hit and then conclude and cite. It feels SOO incredible to have that cloud removed from over my head. I feel like I can finally focus on some of the other littler shit that is coming at me.

Tonight I have the Raynor Dinner, which is gonna be kinda lame, since Ken is gone, Meredith graduated, Vince isnt coming (the idiots scheduled this thing at the same time as the A&S award ceremony). Good thing Katie will be there. I hope to get everything cleaned and taken care of in my bedroom. It is going to be a ocuple hours worth of work, but if I haul everything to the laundromat, I figure I am tired of waking up with these painful itchy spots. Then going out tonight to celebrate Nikki's 21st, and the begining of my b-day. Yeah!

This week is going to fly. Today will be over quickly. Then tomorrow, my birthday, will come and go, with the get-together at Sobelman's. I have a presentation to give in ethics the next day (not to mention possibly finalizing that paper) then I cater both that night, then Friday I cater in Madison. Sunday I finally get a day off. I haven't had a no-school, no-work day since...Let me check... Since April 3. I'm rather excited!

I had my second interview with Swig. I dont think that I did very well. I just was frazzled from running after a bus, and didnt feel like I was very coherent or easy to connect with. Oh well, not that big of a deal. I will have to wait and see.

I got an email from the Office of Student Affairs yesterday. I freaked out because I presumed that it was about Senior Speaker. It turned out not to be, just a special invite to something random. Crap. Hopefully I will hear one way or another on that soon enough.

Holy Raunchy Night!

Huh... Wow. Just got in. Hmmm. Had a really good night at work, with a very steady but transcient crowd. Justine and Danielle came in. That was cool. Then Brian came in towards the end. Oh, and Franco. Yes. That worked out well.

Went over to his place afterward, and I was the only person supposed to stay over, but lets just say it didnt work out that way. A couple of guys in the closet, a couple of guys on the couch, a couple of couples on the bed. I didnt think I could get myself into this much trouble in the states. Franco was totally sweet though, because he made it clear that I was the only person originally intended to stay, and that if I wanted, he would clear everyone out. What for?

The night also kinda kicked ass because I was wearing (and still am wearing) the shirt I bought in Spain that has Coca-Cola logo in Thai on it. It is a teeny-weeny shirt, and I have been too fat for it since i got back. Well, not last night. I looked great in it, and had the underwear to match. Hotness. I was turning myself on. ;-)

Now I am exhausted. I need to shower and shave before I meet up with a couple of kids from my critical wrtiting class for brunch. Food. Yeeessss.

Maybe when Im done with endings this can begin

Okay. School is such a non-priority right now. I did just fine on that Spanish test. Otherwise, nothing major. Oh, I am staging a bit of a coup in my writing class. I got 5 of the other students (out of 18 total) to sign onto a letter about how useless that class is. I submitted it yesterday. I also got 5 pages of my pron paper done. The prof says I need to make it MORE clunky. Oh God, he is going against 6 years of journalism training. Ah well. I dont care much.

I work pretty much all weekend again. No doubles this time though. That's nice. Next weekend I go to Madison to bartend for Hilary Clinton. I'll get to see my hook up buddy too. NICE!

Last night, after I went to a rehearsal for the Milwaukee Symphonic Orchestra for the Critical Writing class, I went to visit Katie W. at Swig. She has been talking to me about applying there for a job. So I sat down with the manager Joe, who wants me as a server, and he pretty much hired me on the spot, at least that's how it seemed. Kick ass! Apparently servers make total bank there! It would be a nice break from the bar. Ohhh... and I was telling Joe that I needed a break from the gay bar, and he thought that it was cause I was uncomfortable with gay people. LOL>> I don't think that's the problem. Anyway, if I oculd get the hookup for this job, I would totally be set for the summer. Kick ass. Cross my fingers for the second interview.

Otherwise, I am trying to get shit out of the way so I can enjoy my birthday next week. 22 (again). I liked it so much, I think I'll do it again.

I think I am going to order an obscene amount of Chinese food and then eat leftovers all weekend. Yum.

45 years to go!

You Will Die at Age 67

67 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

errr yuck

Had a good couple of days. I have a Spanish test that I should be studying for right now. I really just don't care though. That seems symptomatic of something. Oh yeah. Senior Year. I have been too lazy to shave these last couple of days. I look like the Unibomber.

Monday was fun, great weather. Beer Club was packed and ended up hanging out with Danny from ethics, who usually doesnt come. He is very fun. Who knew athletes could be smart? Truth is I may have a tad of a crush on him. Not that that hasnt happened before.

Last night I stayed in and started my reading for my porn thesis. One of the major reasons that I am so unmotivated for this thing is that I feel like it is going to be very easy to write, once I get myself organized.

Other than that, I am getting eaten by something in my bedroom, which is quite disturbing. I tried to use a bug bomb right before i went on Spring Break, but now it seems whatever it is is back with a vengence. I have odne everything: changed the sheets, mattress pad, pillows, moved to my other bed... I am still getting new itchy bites... What the hell? I definitely dont want to pay for an exterminator for the next month and a half that I am here. But can I survive the itch till then? (and for those of you reading this: i am a clean person... if anything, I blame my apartment building, which always seems to be infested with something) WTF... This is the last thing I want to worry about!

Ask and you shall receive

As to my last post: I guess God works in mysterious ways. I have met a new "friend" who is very hot, nice, and best of all, lives about a block from the bar. Know what that means? "Afterbar" at his place. I ended up over there last night and ended up in a three-way kiss with this guy and another... Hot.

Friday was the best night I have ever had. Totally fun. Thank God that our capacity was raised. We would have been turning people away both nights if we were still at 50 (it is now 80). Last night started slow. I was working the double, and my happy hour was barely decent, but I was actually glad to not have to expend too much energy. Then came back for 10-3. I learned that each night at Cage they have to do deep cleaning shit. Sometimes they dont get out of there until 4:30-5am. No wonder those guys are all coked out. It's the only way they can survive! Thank God we don't have to do that sort of shit.

Other than that, no fantastic stories to tell. We got a call last night from the Tazzbah warning us about a guy with fake $100 bills. We always check ours, so no biggie, but it was nice of them to call. Then later that night I had a guy from Indiana freak out cause I checked his. Whatever. He also tweaked a little about me putting his tip on the counter as opposed to taking it straight from the register. These are the little things that you are supposed to do. And i guess if I err, I prefer to err on the side of following the rules. Anyway.

Brunch with Christina yesterday at Cans. Always a pleasure with her. Dr. Dempsey stopped by the apartment to cancel. At least she let me know... What's with this faculty?

I really need to start cracking on some of my projects. My Porn Thesis is due in about a 9 days... Not much more time to procrastinate. Yuck.

I never really loved you anyway

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I havent gotten laid in far too long.

Yeah. I'm serious. It's an issue. I dont know why, but I havent really been into the random hook ups that my bar has had to offer as of late. In fact, I dont even know that I am interested in a random. But does that mean that part of me is interested in a relationship all of a sudden? Whoa... wrong time to go there. Maybe just a fuck buddy. I need to look up my friend in Madison. It's just that Madison is a pretty decent trek just to get laid.

Spring has ogt the hormones buggin. I am trying really hard not to resent my roommate for his fuck-buddy. Hell, if I was in his position I would do the same thing. Perhaps i have in the past. I guess I am just jealous of the convenience of his enocunter. Usually it is the other way around: I can get laid 4x as quick normally, just cause gays are easy.

Perhaps i have even been working too hard for my sex life. Is that getting squeezed out there too? Saturday would usually be the night i stay out and get it on, but these past Saturday's I have been doing MU social events and I work a double this week. Maybe I can convince a hottie to stay after work on Friday... That's always wierd though because we have to meet up like an hour later.

Well, today went very very well. Great day actually. The session with the 7th graders was perfect, and we got high marks. Feels nice to get that out of the way. Ethics was great. We are onto Hate Speech, which I defend. Had a perfect workout, and then hung out with Tom Freesmier for about an hour talking about senior speaker stuff (he's one of the two other candidates, and I would love him to get it... seriously). Later, some roommate time before I went with Danielle and Justine to a splendid dinner at Magiano's and the we saw Sahara.

Pretty bland night after that really, just watched Revelations, which i taped accidently instead of West Wing. Kick ass show. I almost dont mind it pushing back my show.

I think I need to maybe grab a book to keep my interest for a while. And masturbate more.

Welcome to the OC, bitch

I have been working my friggin ass off lately. I just realized that when I got a voicemail from a friend I normally see every two days who was genuinely concerned that something bad had happened to me. I think I told you that I had to buy a new computer and got charged about $300 extra for my spring break car rental... Stuff has just been adding up quick. So that all comes down to a lot of added shifts. I hate that though. It throughs me way out of wack.

I did one of my catering gigs tonight. It was kinda fun because it happened to be a Marquette Admissions function, and I used to work there. Everyone there knew me. It gave many of my friends to see me in a light they are not used to. Usually i am very laid-back and fun. Catering I have to be polite, with a stick up my ass attitude, and I have to call everyone Maam or Sir, even my best friend who was there. Plus the bow tie is always cute. ;-)

Anyway, Tomorrow I go into a 7th grade class and talk to them about respecting women. Im actually a bit nervous. 7th graders kicked my ass when I was one of them. They are little pre-pubecent cruel balls of hormones and attitude. Whatever. I seriously dont care about the presentation. I just hope I dont swear at them.

Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be too.

The dawn is breaking. A light's shining through... Let's just start all of this new.

I woke way too early this morning. The bright rising sun was shining into the living room. I forgot what beautiful mornings we can see in this apartment. It has been years (literally) since I was up early enough to see the sun rising out our windows.

The last couple of days have been... not my norm. I have just been really all over the place emotionally. I have been prone to anger. I hadnt hung out with Justine in about a week, and hadnt talked to her all weekend. Things were just going "full-moonish." I had a wierd-ass shift on Monday. I just have not been feeling right with the world.

Where I left off last time I wrote was getting off work on Sunday. That was a fun shift, but a little lonely. [Webster] then came and picked me up on his way up from Chicago. He had been home all weekend. He is doing that a lot more lately. I respect his desire to be with his buddies from home, but I kinda hate getting left here alone. Anyway, he then kinda ditches me to go hang out with his regular hook-up. I was a little sore about that. He ended up bringing her back here and we watched an episode of the Sopranos, but that is just not the same.

Anyway, Monday we all got our asses handed to us in our dance class. So much so that I don't really feel like going today. I know that is not a good idea though. Then a decent workout with [Webster]. Classes were fine... I was really tired through them. Then a nap before I headed off to work. On the way I returned a voicemail from [Julie] saying that she needed to talk to me. She needed to lean on me. So I called her, and she told me she didnt want to talk about it at the moment. Okay. Fair enough. But I also let her know that I had needed to talk to her all weekend, and she showed no interest in being with me or talking or anything. She swallowed it and I went to work.

Work was... off. Phil and Dave and Billie and Geoff are saints. I guess it was just good to have friendly faces. Jimmy (the old fuck from last Wed. who would not get his hands off me) was there. I served him politely, kept moving and was just happy he was down on Brian's end of the bar. But NO... he moves down to my end with his young leaching friend. He starts badgering me, asking me why I am not talking to him... I finally go off on him, letting him know that his actions the other night were inappropriate, and that if he was going to regard me as a piece of meat, I was going to regard him as the lecherous old man he is. Everyone else at the bar just dropped their jaw, knowing that this was totally unlike me. Jimmy just shut up and sat there, and was gone within minutes. Now, that was never my intention, and I am seriously worried about Jimmy going to my boss, with whom he is good friends (and he reminds me of that in a way that seriously resembles cooersion), and telling him that I was mean to him. I wish I could say that I know Bill will have my back. But he has proved pretty unsupportive when it comes to these sort of conflicts.

Anyway, then some guy collapsed near the men's bathroom. I just heard this giant crash bang. I FLEW over there, and his eyes were rolled back in his head... Every Boy Scout nerve in my body panicked. He wasn't drunk, in fact I had only served him one beer. He came to, very dissoriented, and said he was fine, just a little lightheaded. So I put him in a chair with a back to it and gave him some water. Brian was downstairs or something, so I didnt know what else to do. Then, 30 seconds later, the guy goes down again. Brian took care of it this time, and I just manned the bar. I guess it turned out to be some medical thing. Just got my adreneline pumping HARD.

At closing, we had a TON of restocking to do, and Brian lightly repremanded me for my attitude that evening. We didnt get out of there until about 3:45. Then I had the world's WORST taxi driver, who I totally reemed out. He ignored my directions, so ended up hitting every light in town, and then went all the way to Highland Ave. to turn west... I made him turn off the meter. And waiting on my phone was the most bilesome, mean voicemail I have ever gotten. [Julie] called accusing me of "playing games," and being a bad friend for making her bad day worse. Look who you're talking to here sweetheart.

Then yesterday, I didnt even try to get up for my first class. I finalized my speech, using the suggestions that Ken Anselment had sent me. God bless that man. It was incredibly helpful. I then went and read it for Dr. Phyliss Ravel in the Theater Department, who gave me some suggestions. Then to Dr. Ghanem, my PR prof. Then Ethics, which was a great break-up to the speech-centric nature of the rest of my day. Talked about animal testing. Finally a subject that we disagree on! Fun stuff! Then I read the piece to Dr. Meyer, more suggestions. Then back home, Sopranos with [Webster] and a nap.

Woke up dressed (looked sharp too) and went to go see the Senior Speech committee. (On the way, I had to turn around and run back for a copy of my speech to give them... shit, that could have been bad). The speech went almost flawlessly, and my answers to the rest of their questions were witty and intelligent... Oh, except that I forgot my majors... When we were doing intros around the room, they came back to me, and I totally blanked on my majors.... Oh, and then I "disclosed" my new tattoo to them... I thought that was funny. They looked scared shitless when I told them that "I had not been honest about something on my application..." Hahaha.

So, then I come back for dinner, [Julie] and I finally catch up, easily smooth things over. Her father is going through some horrible medical stuff. He might lose his legs (in the long term). I kept trying to gently remind her to just be greatful that she still has both her parents. That can be a hard argument to make though. Anyway, things were cool, and then Will and Justine and I went out to Mel's on Water, and had an absolute blast. It was exactly what I needed. Time with the two of them. Total cutie there too. Andy. Straight. But... Anyway, we all had a blast, and Justine just talked about the stupid stuff we hadnt been able to in a while. (like La Perla being shut down... WTF... I HATE this new police chief!!!) We had a close ass dart game (Justine and I got beaten by 1 point) and then went to George Webb's. What a perfect way to end such a shitty couple days.

Here is what I am thinking: I hope that I dont see any repercussions for Monday night at work. Bill gets back on Wednesday, and I will need to talk to him about the way Jimmy went after me physically. Part of me feels like I should wait until Jimmy makes it an issue again, so that I am not tattling on my boss' friend... I am thinking that I just finished pretty much the last thing I give a damn about this semester... I am thinking that I need to make sure Justine and I dont go that long without hanging out... I am thinking that things can go back to normal now.

I am listening to this Howie Day Cd right now, and in one of his songs he sings, "Even the best fall down sometimes," and that is how I felt this last weekend.

It is time to get back up.

the loft next store is shaking, so I guess I am awake...

This was indeed a busy weekend. I didnt get to see Justine for pretty muhc all of it, which was wierd. I started to worry that she was mad at me for some reason. Saturday I just chilled until I went to brunch with Angela, and we had an absolute blast. We went to Lava for brunch. The service was great, the food decent, the Bloody great. And I got a tattoo.

Leave it to Angela... She could get the Pope into trouble (God rest his soul). It was a tattoo that I have been talking about for awhile, but of course she was all about going with me to get it. The only serious reservation that I had was getting to the flower shop in time to pick up Liz McDonald's corsage before the florist closed. Ryan McCullough ended up being my hero and grabbing it for me, so all went well. I now have a latin acronynm tattooed to my lower back-side right calf. Seems appropriate for graduation. The pain was SOOO worth it. Makes me want another (kidding... only kinda... maybe after I pass the bar exam in 3 years).

Formal that night was kick ass. I made out with Liz a ton, and really solidified my friendship with Ryan and Dave Lindesmith. I love those guys. Oh, and I spent a ton of time ripping on J.R. (good verb to use). Actually, I felt we were bonding a little, which I am so not sure about... Anyway. I was incredibly drunk by the end of the night, and then T.J. called, and he came over. But nothing happened. It was wierd. We were both WAY too drunk. Just got naked and slept. He left at like 8am for work, so I am not even sure why he came over.

Other than that, I jsut keep chipping away at the speech. You know what? I really doubt that I am going to get it, so I am kinda not that concerned. I know that is the wrong attitude to have, and it is totally unlike me, but it is true nonetheless. Okay, bedtime... Maybe the loft next door has stopped shaking. Maybe not.

best cab driver ever!

That's just one of those tings that can make your night at the end of a shift. The guy got me to my place faster than any other driver I have had, and he was super-friendly. Not in the annoying, post-barclose in your face way, but just in the relaxed nice way. I always pay the same amount for a cab, $8, whether they far is $7.50 or in the case of last night $5.50. I figure they earn that tip. Anyway, after that I watched a couple episodes of the Inferno challenge, and I was a happy camper. I love working with Brian and Jared: that would be my ideal shift forever. The tips were shitty last night, but I still had fun. Oh, and my new internet friend didnt show up at the bar last night. Little dissapointed. What's with that?

Tonight is the Sorority formal. I am going with Liz McDonald. It started as a joke about me becoming the "Sorority Sweetheart." It is going to be a blast. I am sitting at a table with Dave Lindesmith and Ryan McCullough. (I also have to tolerate J.R.... but I can deal). Actually funny enough, the whole "Sweetheart" thing totally isnt that important, or even important at all. But I heard a couple days ago that this guy is actually campaigning for it. What a duche. Now I have to bring my A-game, just cause I dont want to be beat by HIM. The guy is a walking ego... I have long said that I dont like anyone with a larger ego than mine. Well, his FAR surpases mine. Whatever.

Yesterday I did indeed get my nap in, before I lost to the slaughterhouse of the Spelling Bee. It was quite fun actually, but i couldnt spell Kalidescope for the life of me. In fact, i am not sure i am spelling it correctly now. I was there to support Justine, so it was worth it. The event went fabulously, so I am proud of her.

Caught up with Carey real quick while I was eating lunch. Theo was group presentations, and the Prof loves me because I am always very engaged (read: I dont want to take the final, so I am being good). Spanish class let out early, very good workout after that. Still working on the speech... Should get a draft out to Will today.

Okay, off to brunch with Angela. Fun stuff.

lists of three, juxtapositions, modest aliteration

Yep. I spent some time last night writing my speech for the selection on Tuesday. I know that it is going to go through about 4 drafts before I actually present it, but its a start. Part of my issue is that I feel that I am already pushing 5 minutes. While I was writing it last night, Nikki knocked on the door and invited me over. There were some fun people, and I enjoyed myself. I totally meant to NOT do that last night. And I was drinking cheap chardonney. My head feels GREaaatt right about now. There was this totally cute freshman there... He was WAY too friendly too. I swear, if I was a different person, I would totally have loved to... show him the wisdom of my experience. I have never understood how guys can do that. If I were to have made a move, for instance while we were alone in my bedroom, what would it have looked like? And if he rejected my advances, what would that do to my reputation on campus? Whatever... This campus. All look, no touch. Makes me glad to get back to my gay ghetto. Although I still hate gay people.

I am picking up all of Drew's shifts next week, so that means a bit of extra money. That should be nice. Granted, Sunday happy hours are usually pathetic, but sometimes they turn out well. I'll gamble on that.

Today is actually pretty busy: one paper for each class, work out, attend an extra class on the ethics of porn, spelling bee, and then work tonight. Anyone want to bet if I can get a nap in there somewhere? Oh, and I still have the dishes and laundry I started yesterday... Who knew that being a sloth took so much time?

I got another call from Black Tim last night. That poor guy. I feel bad, but what would I do with a 19 year old over the summer. I'm sorry to sound like such an alcoholic, but if you can't got to the bars with me, there really isnt a place for you in my life right now. It is just my social scene. Whatever.

sass-- Informal n. Impertinent, dissrespectful speech; back talk

rhapsodize-- intr. To express oneself in an immoderately enthusiastic manner. --tr. To recite (something) in the manner of a rhapsody.

gay guys suck

yeah. that's about it...

this guy I know from work had to be physicially removed from me tonight. I dont understand how gay guys cannot respect each other. this older guy is all "friendly" and I just wanted to hang out... After a while I just get to the point where I want people to see me for who I am . I guess I should apologize for losing patience with this guy, but I really would rather never see his leturous ass ever again.

Okay. whatever. Going to bed.

panache-- n. 1. Dash; verve. 2. A bunch of feathers or a plume, especially on a helmet. [French plume, verve from Italian pinnacchio, plume from Late Latin pinnaculum, diminutive of Latin pinna, feather, wing.]

dark moment

everyone has them. that is why they are okay. I guess my thoughts are just reflecting the weather. generally I love thunderstorms... I dont mind getting wet. in fact I love storm chasing. not today though. today is one of those days when I feel fat, broke, dumb, lonely and powerless.

a lot of this has to do with Enterprise totally ripping me off on the car rental for Spring Break. Turns out they are charging us about $400 more than they originally quoted us for. And the really sucky part: I signed for it. Right there on the contract. I didnt check the price on there. I let myself get caught up in the moment, trying to get on the road, and I made a $400 error. It would have been SO easy to clarify things then. But I was an idiot. My mother is rolling over in her grave right now: her son signed a contract without reading it.

I may still argue it a little. Justine is going to go down with me and talk to the manager. The fact that we were quoted something so different is just uncool. But what can I do now? I am stuck with my dick in my hands.

So, now I am grumpy, and decidedly more broke than I want to be. Arg. Yuck.

okay. time to get over this. Sobelman's could do the trick. eat, drink, get merry damnit!

Satellite M45-S331

Well, it is going to take me a little while to adjust to this keyboard. It is a tad bit smaller than my old one. But here I am on my brand spankin new laptop. Yeah!!! It is just beautiful, and I am thrilled to have a machine that is WAY lighter, lasts longer and doesnt freeze every time I try to write something. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to pay for it... Grandma E. sent a check for $25 for my birthday... I supposed that's a start. ;-)

My presentation got moved to next week. So, essentially I didnt have anything to do for today. This "hard week" has gotten less and less motivating. I have to write the ballet review for tomorrow, but since my first class is canceled, I figure I will get up around 8am to do it... Way better than my standard 6am crap for that class.

Will and I went out to Water Street last night. Had a really good time. Found a place with great Tuesday specials and decent darts. (except then we got beat by a girl... we left promptly after that) Here's the thing though: UWM students consistently give us so much shit. YES. I was wearing my new MU hat (the cute gold one). And Will and I had no less than four people come up to us and make snide comments about us being from MU. This is something I have noticed a lot. I get it at work, as does Will. There is like this bile from UWM students about MU. They pressume all sorts of things, most of which aren't true. You think I am a spoiled rich kid? I am on a scholarship for being intelligent, after going to a public school, so screw you, I earned my place here.

Here is the reality: MU students dont care about UWM students. I dont mean that we dont regard them well, it is more that we are not looking across the bridge and focusing any energy on the "other" school, which is apparently what is going on. I just don't get it. Most of my friends went to a public university, and they have no issues with private schoolers. But then Milwaukee, we have this whole thing going on here... Whatever... How about this: when we hang out, why dont we all just treat each other like we are equals? Huh? Sound Okay?

Looks like I have to run off to class. Having dinner with (Bart) tonight. Platonic or otherwise? Hmmm... The hard things in life we could never learn in a classroom.

fug nutin computer

Last night while I was trying to write my book critique, my laptop froze no less than four times. It was about 5pm, and I just got really really frusterated. I called my father and informed him that I am buying a new computer. I just cant deal with this anymore, and I am going to need something far more stable during law school. Part of me feels like I am being a spoiled brat by buying a new one rather than trying to forge ahead with my current system... But on the other hand, I have been forging ahead with this computer since I got back from Spain. It no longer plays DVDs, I only have about 1/3 of the hard drive to work with, it is heavy, and most importantly, it often freezes in MS Word. I just have this vision in my head of my computer stopping during a vital section of notes in class next year. I cant have that happening.

Anyway, I am not willing to wait any longer, so I am paying an extra $100 or so to pick up my new system from BestBuy today. If it wasnt in friggin Brown Deer Id take the bus out right now... Last night Will and I went out to Bluemound to take a look at laptops at BestBuy and CompUSA. I was sold on one unit at BestBuy, then they come back and tell me that they no longer carry it. Grrr... Then why did you just spend 20 minutes selling it to me??? Then I chose another system, which was comprable of a bit more expensive (bait and switch much?) and it turns out that they didnt have that one at the store either!!! WHAT?!? Oh well, I exercised some patience, went and got chicken with Will at the Boston Market, and went comparison shopping online.

Caffrey's last night was kinda lame because it was packed with non-monday-regulars to see the final four game. I couldn't have cared less about the game, and they were also out of Spotted Cow. Hmmm... At least Hilary (bartender) bought my first beer, which I fervently protested. She is so cute. It is so fun to be on the other side of a good-bartender rapport. I guess it makes me feel good about the job I do, and want to keep doing it well.

Anyway, I got my book critique done this morning. Its major fluff, since I didnt read the book all the way through. It will get me a B. Good enough at this point. Tomorrow is my presentation for Theology at Nativity Jesuit middle school about how to "Be a Man" in regards to repecting women and relationships. And all of a sudden I am having some cognitive dissonance about the whole thing: I am going to be talking to these guys about dating women, essentially contributing to the heterosexist socialization of these kids. I know it is a Catholic middle school and that to bring up same-sex relationships would divert from our topic drastically, but I cant help but think that in a room of 20 boys, two of them may turn out gay. How can I talk to the other 18 without passively participating in the normative pressure on those two?

I know I should just drop it, and I am not planning on saying anything tomorrow, but that doesnt mean it doesnt bug me. These are latino kids on top of that... Looking back at my latin american experience, I wish someone would have had the guts to talk to the kids at my catholic school.

Oh, I almost forgot. Dr. Schneider from back home, a neighbor from down the block, died unexpectedly at age 43. She left behind her husband and their sweet 9 year old son. I just feel awful. Dad is spending the week with the husband. That is one thing about our experience: it uniquely qualifies us to help others in the same situation. My Dad is such a good man. It is funny, I used to get really sore about people comparing us. Now I just pray that I can be as good a soul and partner and father as he is. And if death teaches us anything, it is the value of living.

monday morning

Now that I have gone through the weekend and have gotten NOTHING done that I needed to, I guess that will add some element of challenge to the week. I just dont care anymore. I have two critiques due, a spanish composition, a presentation to an 8th grade class of boys about "How to be a man," and I just dont care about any of it. Hmmm. My focus has serisouly been on working out and drinking, and since the two cancel themselves out, if I didnt watch the Sopranos with (Webster) at the end of the night, my day would be a wash.

Made some awesome chicken and veggies last night. High protein, high veggies, low carbs... Smothered chicken. Good stuff. And of course, I have leftovers... Yeah.

I made plans with (Bart) for dinner on Wednesday. I guess that will have to bump my date night with Justine. Ahh well... I ended up going to the Metro with Christina for brunch. Funny enough, I saw this one guy I had chatted with online ( I had forgotten that he said he worked there). Brunch was ehhh decent, I am not gong to rate it particularly well. They get "taste" points and a little creativity, but the portions were miniscule and the prices a bit inflated. Meanwhile, I totally enjoyed Christina's company. This was like one of the first times she and I have hung out one-on-one, and I definitely had fun. I wanted to pick her brain about the Senior Speech too. She is a terrific anectdotal writer, which I am not as much, and she has this "Sex and the City" style to her stuff that I just needed to lean on for the moment.

The speech needs to be based on one common experience. So here are my thoughts: it has to be funny, it cant have sex or alcohol, and it needs be "general." Well no dbooze or sex, that eliminates 2/3 of my funny stories... And my experience here has been anything but general: it has been exceptional. I have lived in Spain, I have participated in 100s of activities, lead service projects... But the average student will not connect to those things. Plus, I somehow want to work in my message of "Voices in the Wilderness" (shhh.... dont tell Tom or Ian).

I told all of this to Christina, and she said the first thing that popped into her head, and it was BRILLIANT!!! I am totally running with it. Now I need to pound it out, which wont take long, and get (Webster) to help me with the wording. I am glad that I keep such good writers around me!

maudlin: adj. Effusively or tearfully sentimental: "displayed an almost maudlin concern for the welfare of animals" (Aldous Huxley).

work work work

yesterday at work kicked ass!

I had to open 15 minutes early because Bill and Dee brought some guys (about 10) over from an event. It was a little bit hectic, which always takes an attitude adjustment on my part, but Bill helped me to finish opening which was very nice. The shift moved quickly and I had some really fun people hanging around, including this guy Andy, who is this giant ox of a man, all muscle. Andy had been all over me on Friday, and here he was again. Kinda the type of guy that you want to just take you in the back room and... anyway... I behaved... I don't quite know why, but I behaved. Anyway, I didnt have a single down minute the entire shift, which is okay by me, cause that means more money all around.

By the time I was done, I kinda wanted to stick around, but it was Christina Mahady's birthday party, and I was already dreadfully late. I showed up with a bottle of cosmo mix that Bill had given me and we just chilled out for a couple of hours. I love Christina and Nora... Those girls are very fun to hang out with. And I have found a fast friend in Natalie, who I found out is going to be here this summer. I think that she and I will probably be hanging out a bit. (although I do think she is a tad clingy friend-wise... not in a bad way, just very dedicated, and I am one of those people who doesnt attach to friends that quickly... oh well... she's cool)

Anyway, I need to shower before I go to brunch now... I can write this off as research for my class. Yeah!

P.S.

I was wearing this golden MU hat with my new Island House t-shirt last night. Effective combo if I say so myself. Downright cute.

Budweiser bad, caffeine good

Well, it is Saturday morning, and I just don't understand why I am awake. I got to bed last night after work at about 4am, but come 9am today my body was just like "PING--time to wake up!."

I had a good shift last night. Better than good, I enjoyed it more than I have in a while. Part of that is that I was drinking B^e, a new budweiser product that has caffeine in it. It tastes like Berryweis, and is pretty good (only 10oz. to a bottle though as opposed to the normal 12) Anyway, it gave me this buzz and giddy energy. I was bouncing all over the place. But costumers like that when their bartender has energy, so I think it was a good thing. Jared and Dee both made fun of me, but that is pretty par for the course. I love Jared and dont take him seriously, and Dee, well Dee just tries to get under my skin.

What's funny though is that we just got a new credit card machine. Just yesterday I had told my roommate how glad I was that I didnt have to mess with credit cards at my job. That was due to an overcharge that someone added at the Island House in Key West. The bartender added a 1 in front of my 7, to make my total 17... Anyway, I was just saying I am glad I dont have to deal with credit cards... And low and behold, a credit card machine appears. Yuck. It'll be complicated for a little while, but Im sure it will work itself out. But still. yuck.

I finally got my hat back yesterday from the boy who somehow ended up with it in his car... Riding in cars with boys... Still find him attractive, but in a hook-up way, not a relationship way. Hmm. whatever.

Other than that, yesterday I played online, wasted time, went to class and made a complete ASS out of myself in Spanish. I was trying SO hard to behave to... The class was under observation yesterday, and I really like the prof, so I was trying to be good (which normally Im not, I am kinda a trouble maker in that class). And I ended up saying something lewd and distasteful (under goading from both the teacher and my work group) but I just felt like an idiot/ass/fuckhead. I left with my tail between my legs (and a lower test grade than I had expected... I keep making stupid errors) and went and worked out my frustrations a little. then home, cooked a decent meal with some fresh veggies, nap then work.

oh, and yesterday I sent in my tuition deposit for St. Thomas and received a letter inviting me into the Phi Beta Kappa honor society. Cool. I think. Anyway... on we go. I need to get some actual work done before I go in today. Otherwise this weekend is going to be a wash (which they usually are).

bed time?

I should totally be in bed right now... Soon I am going to eat something and then regret it... PS Im a little drunk...

So, I went to the Milwaukee Ballet for my critical writing class (which I hate) and it was a good show, more or less. I was hoping my new internet pal (Duncan) would come along, but alas, we didnt exchange messages in time. Then I went to Triangle with my ex, (Bart) . I love (Bart). There are times I am very sad that we broke up. Like tonight. I totally wish that he was still by my side. He gets me more than most. At the same time, I also made friendly with (Edward), the cute guy with the adorable nose who I totally dissed last summer. I have always liked him, but it has never worked out. Partially because I have been told by some close to me that he is dumb as a stump. But I dont see that. I just dont know. I guess the key to this spring/summer will be to remain friends with all these guys. Which sucks on one hand, but also allows me to truly enjoy my summer. Now that I think about it, one of the best summers of my life was when I was dating Tyson long-distance, and I had to refrain all summer from forbidden fruit. Maybe that's the way I should treat guys this summer: like I want to, but can't.

Oh, and a friend from a while ago (older guy) told me that he used to be a priest. Wow. Wierd. That totally could have been my life.

Okay, time for bed. otherwise I will write something I will regret (if I havent already)

Well, that was certainly fun!

I am going to try this again. Last time I tried to upload, my writings got eaten by the internet. No good at all.

Today, having the day completely free and beautifully clear to just chill, I did some porn research (seriously: I am writing a thesis on the ethics of pornography... I actually requested an interlibrary loan of a Playboy article) worked out, tanned a bit more, and did the tinkering online that I never get to do. I am kinda trying to do this new friend thing. No, it is not that I just spent 12 days with my best friends and never want to see them again, but more that since Justine and Will are both gone for a few days, I am left alone... much as I will be when we all graduate. So I am trying to do a bit more of friend outreach (something that the bar isnt too helpful for). Anyone want to be my friend this summer?

I called St. Thomas about a fellowship I am hoping to get. No word so far. Then I called two realtors. I got some writing done on my Senior Speech. Just getting some ideas down on paper at this point. Just some of the random stuff floating around my head.

Now: to Spring Break! I dont know how to write about this without going on for days. It was Will, Justine, Danielle and I and we had an absolute blast. I dont know what else to say. Had a phenominal drive down from Milwaukee to Chicago, stayed a night with D's parents and went shopping. Bought a sex book. Played a couple of horrible terrible games of pool.

The next morning we had great weather as we made our way south to Atlanta. On the way we stopped in Metropolis, Ill. to see the giant statue of Superman (bought a tshirt). Then stopped in Lynchburg Tenn. for the Jack Daniels tour (way cool). Then finally wound up north of Atlanta at a WAY ghetto Days Inn, where I tried to use Justine's credit card and the guy threatened to gall the cops, even after Justine showed up with her ID. Grrr... We then tried to find a place to drink, wound up outside a Best Western that all of us refused to go into. Then played a 12-pack's worth of Asshole in the room.

The next day we tooled around Atlanta, going on the CNN and Coca-Cola tours. Left about 5pm hoping that the drive to Miami would keep us going till about 5am... Forgot how fast we drive. Realizing how early we were going to arrive we even tried to stop and see a late night movie, but it was a no go. So we ended up on a North Miami Beach public beach at like 3am and tried to sleep in the car, with fairly comical results. I was in the driver-side with my legs wrapped around the wheel and the gear shifter (which was in a very odd place on the dashboard). Will and I went on an otherwise romantic walk on the beach. Too bad it was Will. ;-) Saw two people having sex on the sand. Ooppss. Sorry about that.

When a catering van woke us up (bitches) we moved on and drove to an IHOP, had breakfast and then found our Howard Johnson that we were booked for the next week. We camped out there with a 12-pack, then Will and I went for a run. The IHOP, beer and running did not combine well in my stomach, but I suffered as best as I could. We were glad to then move onto the Cruise with no problems. Our rooms were spacious, nice, and we settled in quickly. Will and I went to work out, and then napped before the pre-dinner show. We pre-partied a bit (a lot) ordering a whole pitcher of cranberry juice to mix with our water-bottled alcohol. The show was pretty good, and I immediatly pin-pointed the gay dancer. Really cute. Everyone was all egging me on, and I totally planned to get with him by the end of the week. Jesse was his name. Anyway, at dinner we were all at a table with this woman and her son. They were very pleasant, but we were all a bit shocked to find out that she had lost her husband, the boy's father, in the 9/11 attacks. Since then they had relocated to Florida. Good God! We all really didnt know what to say. How does one rebound a conversation from that? After dinner we drank some more and then Will and I went for a cigar/ette and planned to meet the girls up at the dance club. They ditched us when we were a bit late, and so it was just he and I. We had a good time, although I was exhausted. We met a bunch of girls from Depauw and I asked if they knew Betsy or Crystal Brick. They all knew them both. They were all friendly, and it seemed we had made some fast friends.

The next day we got up in time for lunch, went and looked around Nasau in the Bahamas, and then boarded our booze cruise. Thank God we ate before that!

Okay, I will continue this later, I just dont want to lose it all again...

Well, that was certainly fun!

We got back from Florida yesterday about 9pm. We had stopped to drop off Will in Aurora and have some of the best pizza ever. The entire trip was so phenominal and fun and a blur of just so much... I can't even begin to say just how much it rocked. It was not without its moments of drama (to be fair, I had one too), but what a kick-ass group of people to travel with. I will have to fill in the blanks later. Photos help a lot.

Right now I am putzing, putting shit away and spending some slouch time in front of the internet. I know it may seem horrible, but now that Spring Break is over, I need some new friends. Let me clarify: Will and Justine are both gone for the next couple days, and campus is empty till tomorrow, so I am getting a tiny taste of what things are going to feel like in about 50 days once Graduation is over. My friends will leave. So I need to start investing in some new relationships too. Anyone want to be my friend this summer?

I am also starting to put down some ideas for the senior speech. I havent gotten the specs. yet from the committee, but I have some basic ideas I wanted to get down. Later today I am going to spend a couple hours doing research at the library. It feels cool not to have to do anything for 24 hours. Wow. Maybe I should take a cooking class this summer. Anyone want to learn to cook with me?

Okay, I have some calls to make, more later!

Free Fallin!

Tom Petty seems appropriate right about now. I've had a great last 24 hours, and the next will prove to be even better. Free fallin for sure. Such a road trip song. We are leaving on a jet plane, and just going to where it is warmer, happier. This will prove to be one of my last major Marquette memories: Senior Spring Break.

I'm packed, and we pick up the car tomorrow after I finish my Spanish test. Thank God he is letting me take it ealier. The prospect of focusing on that test at 3pm looked pretty grim.

I spent the last night on Natalie's floor, after watching a few episodes of Sex and the City. I got up about 4:45 to the din downstairs, and we had "kegs and eggs" before going over to Caffrey's at about 5:15. The wait was fun, and once we were inside Hilary (one of the bartenders) gave me a free pitcher. (she likes me cause I tip.) Anyway, I hung out there for a while before I went tanning at 7:30, then back to Caff's and then over to McCormick for a drunken breakfast with some of my old theater friends. Fun stuff. I saw Jocelyn... Hehe... I love showing that side of me every once in a while.

I ended up passing out in my 9:35 class, so then decided to skip the rest o the day. Woke up and found out that Alex and Beth had won (55%-40%) and I MADE IT TO THE TOP THREE for Senior Speaker. Me, Tom Freesmier, and some honors program kid that I have never really warmed up to. Wow... This was the first popular election I have come out on top of like ever! (granted, I havent run for anything since pretty much middle school).

Anyway, I cleaned, cooked, did laundry, watched some favorite movies, and now feel prepared for tomorrow and totally good about today. Except, of course, that T.J. still has my favorite hat, and he doesn't seem particularily inclined to give it back. I am going to call him like 50 times tomorrow... Grrr. I want my hat!

Okay, beddie-by. Happy Spring Break!

Cold Calling? What an Idiot!

Last night I was all tucked in after a successful night (we'll get to all that) and was finishing the 1st season of the OC with Will. (so sad that it's over...) Anyway, Alex Hermanny calls me and tells me that there have been reports of Brant (the other candidate) making cold calls on University phones reminding people to vote tomorrow. And Alex wasnt the first perosn to hear about this: he was told by the elections commissioner, who also had told Jon Dooley. Both are extremely pissed. This is not only a violation of election rules, but straight up University policy. Ane the best part is that our campaign has some inside emails proving that Brant knew what he was doing, knew that it was wrong and was encouraging his team to cover it up.

Right now I should be getting ready for dance class. Ehhh... Its snowing, and I dont think I want to go... Yuck. Snow. How many hours left till spring break? We had a little meeting last night to go over last minute little details. We changed one of our plans so that we would end up hanging around Atlantaand then driving through the night to Miami. Sounds good to me!

The training last night went spectacularly. I definitely proved myself, not just to them, but to me. They were very happy with my presentation. The only snag was that I had it written down for 7pm... Nope, definitely 8pm. Justine had kindly accompanied me, so we jetted over to noodles, grabbed something to eat and then went back... It was wonderful to have her there with me.

Yesterday I also made peace with Tim, our MUSG President. I had pretty much bitch-slapped him on Monday night for refusing to ask any directed questions of the candidates. When the debate was over I marched up to him and told him I thought that he was weak, and that he had stifled the one opportunity that student's had to clarify and question the candidate's positions. I really went off on him. And then yesterday he called me into his office. I was prepared for him to tell me I had been out of line or whatever, but instead he told me that he had thought about it, and that I was RIGHT! See, this is the kind of rolling over that bugs the hell out of me about Tim. Love him to death, but he is always trying to appease everyone. What kind of legacy is that going to leave? Anyway... whatever...

Otherwise, yesterday I got my haircut, went for a tan, campaigned a little. Handed in my pornography thesis, handed in my Restaurant review, which actually turned out pretty decent given my last minute writing. In class, that moron waxed on about how he is writing his own book, and I swear he went on for 20 minutes higlighting the plot and his whole process with it. Thanks buddy... Really helps my writing a lot. I still need to talk to Ken Ksobiech about that class.

Tonight I am going over to Nora and Natalie's with Christina and we are going to have a slumber party: Sex and the City gossip... fun stuff like that... Anyway, we'll get up at like 5am to go to Caff's for St. Patrick's Day. Then I think a water bottle will be prudent in class... something to keep the buzz going before I pass out after Ethics... This should be a fun end to the week! Spring Break, here we come!

105 hours till Spring Break!

This week has a lot of small, but important stuff going on. The campaign for Alew and Beth is in full tilt, but it is rather odd, because it seems like the other guy, Brant, has given up to some extent. We know he is not allowed to spend any more money on ANYTHING and that hi following is kinda lame, but it really sounds like he isnt planning to push much this week. Hmmm...

As for us, I am doing debate prep today, after I spent about half an hour coming up with the bitchiest quesitons possible for the other team. I released my inner-bitch and it really dominated. Questions like, "In your platform you complain that the Union charges too much for their services and also say that we need to bolster area businesses. Yet you also advocate taking money from the local bars by allowing alcohol in the Brooks lounge. Can you explain these inconsistencies?" I went through their resumes, their platform, their personal history. grrr... I dont normally get to be this mean.

I have to write my restaurant piece yet for tomorrow. I dont much care though anymore. I am waiting on crazy Cristen to email us the interview we made her do. If she doesnt come through I will blame it on Salsini... It was his idea anyway. Otherwise, this week will be fun, busy and by the end of it I will have some idea about the Senior Speaker thing. (Honestly though, Tom Freesmeier will be in the top three, and the administration loves him... so I really can't get my hopes up... I would be happy to see him do it anyway)

We had a staff meeting yesterday at Fluid. Dee ended up waxing on for far too long about his "vision" of what Fluid is and what it could be. Me and Damion just kept shooting looks to each other, trying not to laugh. It's a bar dude. And while it is your entire life, maybe that's not such a good thing. Anyway, everyon critisicm that was made didnt have to do with me, so I just sat there and tried to look cute. Then we did some deep cleaning, and I dusted the ceiling and all the ceiling fixtures. Fun stuff. The shift itself was decent... Nothing to write about really.

Time to start my week. Closer to 104 hours now...

write write write

I'm trying to sit down and write three pieces that are floating around in my head: the UWm LGBT seminar, a Tribune piece for Tues and a restaurant review for Critical Writing. I actually woke up really early with all these ideas shooting through my head. That and a wierd dream that some teenage girl had broken into our apartment, got on Will's computer and was broadcasting things onto my computer. So I wrestled her to the ground and pretty much had to sit on her while I called the cops, who never showed. I eventually got bored with the dream and woke up. That's wierd. I don't often remember my dreams, especially in such detail.

Talked to Mae-Mae yesterday. Turns out that Aunt Lisé is 5 months pregnant. WHAT??? How did I not know about this? I know I rarely call, but it seems like that is the sort of info that I should get from Dad. Oh well, he's earned himself some slack, because I absolutely love the little camera he bought me for graduation/birthday.

SWEAT was a blast last night. I ended up being able to help, which for me is important. I am just wierd that way: I enjoy myself more if I have something to do. It was hotter than HELL there, and packed beyond measure. Literally a line out the door. Once they reached capacity, Jon McPheters kinda started freakin out, and I just grabbed him and reminded him that this is a charity event and that this type of showing is GREAT publicity, even if people have to wait to get in. I started IDing and putting on bracelets so that the manager could serve as bouncer. I would be surprised if there weren't 400 people there and they raised a grand. Good stuff.

Work before that was fine. Same on Friday. Except I spent most of Friday night babysitting people who were WAY too drunk. It was my fault for serving them the first drink, but at least two of them were bombed when they sat down. I had to literally force one guy to come back into the bar and sit down. (2x) Fun times. I guess you have to take the good with the bad at this job. I had a nice chance to bond a little with Bill last night. I feel like he definitely feels that he can trust me now. That's good to know. We had these four guys come in last night (one was Stewey from ARCW who I adore) and Bill and I just traded flattering comments back and forth. Oh, and the guys convinced me to light my crotch on fire. Hmmm...

Actually, looking at that group of friends (all very intelligent, pretty attractive) I was kind of reminded of my lack of gay friends. I had that one summer after freshman year in TC that I was constantly with Ian and Justin, but other than that, I have NEVER hung out with gay people. None of the gay kids on campus (all 4 of them) even talk to me anymore. I am too straight for them. Anyway, it doesn't really bother me, but it does make me ocassionally jealous when I see a group like Stewey, Jon, Jerry and _________ from last night.

Okay, time to write now. Maybe shower too eventually.

How long till Spring Break?

174 hours. Exactly. Good lord, this week seemed to drag on. The debate was on Monday, and that went awesome. Then Wednesday was the election, which we still havent gotten results from due to some massive controversies. Then yesterday was dinner with Dr. Ghanem and her son at Sobelman's. Way fun, as Sobelman's always promises to be.

Last night I ended up sitting on Christina Mahady's bed dishing with the girls (Natalie and her two roommates). We had some margaritas and just chilled and talked about the next 71 days before we graduate, and what will follow. I really enjoy Christina, mainly because her sense of humor is so freeing and she is in much the same place as I am with guys right now: don't need, don't want. While I hope that T.J. gives me my hat back, I can't say that I am really that devestated that things aren't going to work out. I have kind of realized that that's the way life substantially works with relationships... most aren't going to work out, but just keep trying it and enjoy the experience while you are at it.

Anyway, I made it into the top ten for Senior Speaker. I am just kinda talking to everyone, trying to get friends to vote for me. It feels a little narcissistic to campaign for an "honor," but the popular vote isnt what decides if I am worthy; it is what decides if I am popular enough.

I work most of this weekend. Going to the SWEAT dance on Saturday (still have to get tickets) . Other than that, not too much to get into academically. I give my seminar for UWM on Wednesday, and I should prepare a bit for that I suppose (since they are paying me big bucks). Then most of next week is living through my first St. Patrick's day in the U.S. at the bars and getting ready for spring break. Good God, I am ready for that!

Senior Speaker?

Yesterday I got an email confirming that I am one of the top ten finalist for Senior Speaker. Now it goes to popular vote to round it down to three candidates. Wow. That would be cool. I need to not think about it... Went out to dinner last night with Justine. We finally could get seating at The Cheesecake Factory. Quite honestly, it was only decent food. ehh whatever.

I bought a new memory card for the camera Dad is sending me. Great price on it. Yeah!

Otherwise, I am trying to lay off my cell phone use. I spent about 100 minutes earlier this month trying to solve the Spring Break disturbances. But now I only have 150 left for the next 15 days. Hmmm...

I guess that the only other thing would be that UWM is paying me $75 to teach an LGBT acceptance unit, 45 minutes total. Geez... I would do it for free... But that's totally cool... I'll take the money any day. I just hope that I can live up to their expectations.

Nothing else much to report... Good, relaxing day yesterday. Today should be too. It is the Primary election for my candidate, so there are some last-minute efforts, but nothing I feel I really need to worry about.

Kick ass, debate style...

I really should be working on my presentation and writing assignment for tomorrow. Ahh well. It will be a shorter day since my ethics class is canceled. I'll nap then.

Tonight kicked so much ass! I had spent much of my day preparing Alex and Beth for tonight's MUSG debate for President and EVP. April had developed a list of questions and she and I grilled both of them, essentially trying to make them "quotable" and really come out strong in the minute and thirty seconds they had. And did they ever. I took charge of making sure that a bunch of our stronger questions got asked, the questions that I knew they had prepared with us for. And those two not only sounded more cohesive and intelligent, but WAY more eloquent than the other tickets. I kept finding myself correcting the grammar of some of the other candidates. Kick ass! Plus way had easily 3x the showing of any other candidate. There were NO green shirts at all, perhaps 10 pinks and maybe 20 yellows. We'll just see how that all translates into votes. Anyway, our positions were strong, we toppled some of the "insider" accusations of the other candidates, and it went so well over all that I was literally gitty when it was over. Afterward I found the Tribune reporter, gave her our speech (to make quoting easier) and schmoozed with her a little. Just made her job a little easier... She seemed receptive.

Part of this is that I am having a lot of fun with this effort. I have found that I am EXTREMELY good with taking the candidate's messages and honing them into public-ready, polished statements that are concise and attractive. I guess I kinda have the PR bug. Geez... for the amount of crap I talk about PR, I am really good at it, and I enjoy it.

Bob Brick called me back today. I'll call him tomorrow and have a conversation about buying houses. Wow. That will get the ball rolling and I'll just have to see where that goes... Fun stuff... Later!

Buy a house??!!??

thats a lame title. Oh well, that's about the only way to sum up these last few days. After (Webster) presented me with a check for his portion of the cruise (which I was planning on paying, we whopped Houston on Wednesday, went drinking with some Moms at Caffreys, then got an insurance check for my bicycle on Thursday... I was having a good week. Friday I had to wake up at 4:30 to catch my flight to Minneapolis. Everything worked out great, and I quickly became re-enchanted with the city that will become my new home. Incredible public transport: for $1.25 I got from the airport on lightrail, then transfered to a bus line to get uptown to look at an apartment.

So... apartments. I found this place on 22nd and Grand that is about 20 minutes away from the university by bus. Its a safe neighborhood, with a library across the street, and the units are awesome, as is the grandmother-type that is the administrator of the place. But here's the thing: rent is WAY higher in Minneapolis. Places closer to the University go for about $600-900 for studios, and about $1200 for two bedrooms. Wow. Even for a studio, I would be paying twice what I am here. The place on 22nd was between 900-1000 for a two bedroom, and that was about the best deal I could find.

I started to think about it... During 3 years of law school, I am going to lose between $18,000 and $25,000. Down the hole. No return. Just money lost. I started talking to some people, and ended up going out with Adam, a bartender from Milwaukee who has moved to Minneapolis and we are considering being roommates, and he introduced me to his friend Dustin. Anyway, Dustin does investment real estate, and he seemed pretty sure that he could get me something around town that would have a 25% return on it in 3 years. Now, maybe he was full of shit, but it is still something to explore. Even if I don't MAKE money on it, I would probably not LOSE the 18-25 that I would renting. I could get a house or condo and rent out the extra room(s).

This is really intimidating for me. I'm 22! I am not sure that I am ready for that kind of monetary and temporal commitment. On the other hand, it would be SUCH an adventure, and it is a good idea from an investment stand point. I take out no-interest student loans for all my college expenses and living stuff, pay off house stuff with the money I have saved and the money from renting out a room... The idea of getting a condo seems smarter too: less maintenence, but it has less improvement (and headache) potential.

So what now? I guess I have some calls to make. I want to talk to Bob Brick to see what advise e would have, and see if he has anyone he trusts in Minneapolis. I want to call this Dustin kid (who I ended up with on an air mattress on Friday night... showed him a real good time) but I am not sure that I trust him with my real estate. Is it unethical to have two realtors looking at options for you?

Anyway, the open house at St. Thomas was substantially boring, only because this was my third time there and I didnt really need the sell line. Just two things: I felt like such a baby! Almost everyone there had taken some-many years off doing real jobs before looking at law school. Wow... I'm finally gonna be the "young one." Not sure how I feel about that. Also: no one goes out! I searched for a while to find current or prospective students to go out with for a beer, and everyone was busy with school work. On a Friday! Good God, is this what my life is going to look like? Yuck... Am I ready for that?

Overall, I guess that a lot of my time there was slapping me in the face and saying, "You are going to have to grow up here pretty quick."

The cheapest hotel room I could find as $111 at the Courtyard. Grrr... But after a much needed nap, I wen out to a fantastic Thai restaurant (Sawatdee) and spent way too much on a fantastic dinner and several glasses of Gwertzameiner. Then Adam came by, and we had a pretty damn good night.

Coming home, I went straight to work, had a good shift although I had NO energy. But I made $80 on a Saturday happy hour, which is extremely rare. I resisted the temptation stay out, and went home thankfully early. In bed soon thereafter.

Yesterday, I went to brunch with (Julie) at Louise's which was splendid. It was about 55 degrees, and sitting in the sun eating salmon benedict and drinking bellinis with my best friend... That was something. Then checked out an art show at UWM for my critical writing class. (Oh... I told that teacher that I thought his class was worthless... but that's for another time) Then home, cleaned like a mad-man. The apartment is SO much more comfortable now. Went shopping with Will, so now I have some meals, which is very nice. Then meetings until 10:45pm when I went out with T.J. to Three. It was fun enough... I got out of there for $20. T.J. and I dont really have that much to talk about, but he is fun to make out with. I was hopeful about him for a little while, but as happens with many boys, it just wasnt working out. I'll just play this one by ear.

OH, one last thing... I am kinda coordinating campaign messages for Alex Hermanny's campaign with April Kusper. April and I are honing their message and making sure that Alex and Beth sound like the absolute best candidates in the field. And ya know what? I am REALLY good at this. Partially because of my multiple personalities, I am able to think about what is being said from about 6 different angles, detach and engage each of them, and react with what is going to work best as a PR message. I am scary good at that. I would love to be "Toby" or "C.J." from the West Wing. Give me a law degree and we'll see where I go from there. Anyway, this is fun. Debate tonight, and I am onthe prep team... I really enjoy this stuff.

Alright, thats enough for now... hasta luego aligator

And the drama continues...

SOOOoooo... Yesterday, I had it worked out that I would pay for (Webster's) cruise, we would drive his car down, and all would be good. My biggest concern at that point was that the girls were going to be a bit hostile towards (Webster). It was going to be $425 out of my pocket, but to a certain extent, we need the ride, and I want my best friend there with me. God damn it, we ARE going on this trip.

Well, then (Webster) talked to his parents and they forbid him from taking his own car down. Huh, what? Now it ust seems like they are trying to keep him going without being honest about it. They had no objection to the car thing two weeks ago. Now all of a sudden its a problem? This put us in a whole new situation. I took my offer off of the table with (Webster) and we now had to find transportation AND a third person to fill the spot.

I found out we could rent a car for about $350. It hurts, it's gonna sting to pay about $125 more each, but thats kinda the only option we have left. I called (Julie) and let her know. She seemed to think that was a decent option. Then, when I was in the shower, I had a revelation: If I am willing to pay $425 to have my BF come with me, even though it served a certain utility before, why am I not willing to pay $525 for him now? He made the comment that someday, perhaps my third-year of law school, he will call me up and take me to Vegas or something. I consider this an investment in my friendship and an investment in a future vacation sometime. Honestly, I have the money, I might as well make something of it.

After having that revelation, I said pretty straight up to (Webster): "You are coming. I am paying for your cruise and the car. But God damnit, you are coming with us!" He didnt seem to be able to argue with that. So now we have a solution!

I told the girls in a rather roundabout way that (Webster) would now be coming with us. I went around in a circle, starting with (Julie) then (Dierdre) then (Webster) saying how much I loved them and how much I am glad they are coming with me. When I said it about (Webster) they totally did a double take and it took about 5 seconds for them to take it in. I then explained that we were still going to need to rent a car, at which point (Julie) jumped in and said that her father is going to pay the extra $200 for an upgrade to an SUV or MiniVan. Kick ASS! But wait, we're not done with this drama yet:

At this point (Dierdre) breaks down and says that she has been so upset for the last 24 hours about this whole thing, and she thought that we were al planning to cancel the vacation, and she has already thought about other plans, and now this is even going to cost more... Etc etc etc... We get her to calm down a little, but she is still really mad (mostly at Webster for his last minute waffling). To be far, she was right. Right to be pissed at him, right to think we had given up. (Julie) and I had been working for solutions for the past 72 hours, and I hadnt once called to update (Dierdre). So as far as she knew, it was hopeless. After talking to her at great length, I suggested we take twenty minutes to seperate, think and pray, knowing that once she calmed down, (Dierdre) would realize how cool it is that we have made this work again.

Well, I was right (mostly). She came back almost 35 minutes later after (Julie) went and talked to her, and said that she DOES want to do this, and that the money is NOT that big a deal. She still has to talk to her parents about it again though. Fair enough. So, now I need to change some rental car arrangements and wait her out. (I know she will say yes though)

On a seperate note, what is with all my friends' parents having such an ubsurd amount of control over their existence. I call my father often for council, but I can't tell you the last time he told me I could or couldn't do something... Perhaps that's because all my money is earned, I don't have a car that belongs to him and he doesn't pay for my education. Am I the exception to the rule? It just seems like if there has been one MAJOR barricade in all of this, it has been my friends parents "laying down the law" on how (Webster) should spend his money (or lack thereof) or where he can drive the car they let him have, or where (Julie) can take the car she was given, and finally what (Dierdre) can decide about these last minute changes. I am, without a doubt, dropping more cash on this vacation than any of these people, and while I consulted my Dad, his advice is no longer applicable to the situation (although I think he would discourage the route that I have chosen to take, which is why I am not asking him).

Anyway, I have a Spanish test today that I havent even cracked the book yet for.

P.S.: Dad Rocks

Oh. And I can't forget this:

Dad and Carey are fighting, just random teenage freedom issues. But Dad was amazingly supportive last night. He listened to me rant about Spring Break for a good half hour. (As did Sam Wills, my ethics friend... but anyway) And it turns out Dad told me not to buy anything major within the next week... Hmmm... I mentioned that I was planning on getting a digital camera as soon as my voucher shows up... He told me that he had already bought me a Cannon SD200 Elph! He had been planning on getting me something like that for graduation, but after our conversation a few weeks ago (see blog: me being a spoiled brat) he decided to move up his purchase date. SWEAT!!

I like when Dad and Carey are fighting. He buys me things! (just kidding, he said that himself...)

Spring Break???

Oh, Dear GOD!! Along with the mid-terms and projects that I have to be working on this week, the campaign I am helping with to elect Alex Hermanny for MUSG President and trying to get some publicity done for SWEAT 2005 (the benefit dance), the last two days I have been dealing with all kinds of Spring Break stress.

Sunday, (Webster) came home and told me that he had made his final decision: he can't afford to come with us. Now, we booked the cruise about 5 months ago. We booked the hotel about a month ago. I understand completely, and for me the worse part is that my best friend can't come with us on my senior Spring Break bonanza.

At that point I tried to explain that we were now going to have to give away his cruise ticket to someone else who could share the other expenses (essentially meaning Webster has to cough up $425 while someone would get a free cruise). Webster went ballistic. Started accusing me of having coerced him into agreeding to the trip in the first place, that I was now trying to make money off of his misfortune... etc. I tried to talk him down, and essentially reminded him that if he thought I was being hostile, he had no idea what was ahead of him with (Julie) and (Dierdre) the two other girls that were being inconveninced. I talked to both of them, and they were already coming up with a list of demands, some of which I found slightly vindictive.

Well, so yesterday I spent a good portion of my day asking random friends if they wanted to go on the cheapest cruise ever. No bites. Then I took my Theo mid-term, and totally kicked its ass. Yeah! Then, during our work-out, (Webster) actually apologized for going after me. Wow! Amazing. I was totally impressed. We had a good workout.

But then last night, as I am still stressing about the whole thing, and after having cooked an amazing couscous curry with tons of veggies and chicken and sausage, (Julie) called. She had some bad news: her car had been our backup if (Webster) backed out. But yesterday, her parents absolutely forbid her to take it down to Florida. So now we are one person down, without a car, stuck in Milwaukee, having already paid for the cruise. ARRGGHHH!!!!

(Julie) had come up with an alternative trip to Arizona that would simplify things a bit, but we would all lose $200 a piece on the cruise and pay an extra $400 for a plane ticket. This sucks. A lot. While I appreciate that she came up with an alternate plan, I want my cruise. So I thought about the whole thing... A lot... And decided to pay for (Webster's) cruise. It is an extra $425 out of my pocket... But at this point it seems like I would have to pay that to change the trip anyway. This way, we get our cruise, I get to be with ALL my friends, and I get to see my family towards the end of the trip...

I talked to Dad, and he seems to think this would be okay IF I got the other two to put in like $100 as some sort of car-rental fee. I agree with his logic, but here is my problem: I think that they would resent it. There is little I could do about that, and I want to balance my desire for everyone to get along with the money thing. If I pay for (Webster's) ticket, I would never mention it again. Ever. It is an anonymous gift to ALL of us. I would tell the girls that he changed his mind... But if the girls paid in, I feel like I can't trust them not to bring it up on the trip somewhere, and I know Webster's ego enough to know that this would spoil a lot of fun.

So... Am I being an idiot in playing into the hand of a friend who is horrible at managing his money, incentivising so to speak, his mis-spendings? Am I grasping at straws trying to keep this Spring Break together? Or am I trying to be a good friend who sees the utility behind keeping things together and getting a car out of the deal? I'll just have to find out.

Sunday, babay, Sunday

I wish that I had just a few hours to be isolated and forced to sit down and write to my friends afar. I think of everyone I have been meaning to write in the last months: roommates, surrogate family, friends, lovers... and I hope they understand that I am just not good at doing that stuff. Falling behind on these past friends also makes me nervous for the hundreds of friends that I have here. Will I lose contact with them all too?

This week has a pretty solid work load, and I rather wish that I had been able to have a weekend. I will have worked three shifts by the end of the day, which is great for the pocketbook, but not so much for the study habits. Tomorrow: Theo mid-term (essays. yuck) Tuesday: TV critique on Fox's new "Stars without their Makeup." Horrid show really. Spanish exam on Wednesday. And I have to be working on both my Theology and PR projects before I leave for Minneapolis on Friday. Plus campaign work for Alex Hermanny and publicity stuff for the benefit dance. Geez. For the few weeks before Spring Break, I am going to be as busy as any other semester. Time to bring out the daybook again. LOL. This Thurday I was looking all over the place for it, and then realized that it was in my work bag, which meant that I hadnt used it since Monday. Three whole days. I couldnt have gone three whole hours last semester without that book!

I have kinda been postponing calling Rosey about subletting in Renee Row for the summer. I just had this feeling that something would fall in my lap. I told myself I would let the weekend go, and if nothing became apparent I would give her a call. I am just so... not excited about moving out of my place... I guess that I need to just deal... It will be wierd though. I have lived here for three years now. I mean, when I was in Spain, I missed my apartment more than I missed my Dad's place in Michigan.

Well it is time to eat something and get to the studying. I work in about 4 hours, so I best take advantage of my time...

It's Friday... So what now?

I stayed up last night till 3am watching another three episodes of the O.C. with (Webster). This is great fun. I do, however, feel like I am falling behind on my West Wing episodes. Naughty, naughty, naughty. These are the things that you have to worry about second semester Senior year.

Before the O.C-a-thon, I went to Caffrey's to catch the MU-Cinnci game. Diener broke his hand a couple of days ago, so he is out for the season, as is Chris Grimm (although that is less of a tragedy). Anyway, our team was pretty brutalized. Oh well. Not the senior season that I was hoping for, but if that is my biggest dissapointment, I am blessed. During 1/2 time, I went to George Webbs and got 2 double cheeseburgers and fries for $3.80. Good God! Anyway, I hung out with Jon McPheters and a friend of his until about 11:30. I am not sure, but it may have been a "hook-up"... There were a couple things said that just seemed to indicate that this guy was interested. Or perhaps I had just had one too many. When I am at Caff's I just am not in "boy" mode: I dont even pay attention, which I kinda enjoy that I can just be me without worrying who is looking.

I wouldnt put that sort of thing past Jon though. He is possibly one of my favorite people ever. And the funny thing is that he has NO idea how desireable he is. At one point we got to tlaking about relationships, and he mentioned that he has only been in two short relationships while at Marquette. I responded with something like, "You could be in a relationship if you wanted to be." He just kinda laughed me off, not believing me. WHAT!!! This guy is gorgeous, kind, smart as hell, spiritual... At one point last semester I told (Julie) that all I wanted for Christmas was for her to have lots of babies with him. He said that he just never can tell if a girl is into him, and that the 2 relationships he has been in, both times the girls initiated the... touching. Geez. I need to hook this guy up.

Other than that, yesterday I did abs, taught our ethics class about the ethics of Porn, and argued everyone's mid-term grade up 6 points in our PR class. That was kinda the highlight of my academic day: in a class of 45 I took the professor on one-on-one on about 4 questions, until she kindly gave in on several points. Moved my grade up from an 80 to an 86. Big jump. Cool.

As for this weekend, I work much of it, which is cool. I look forward a bit to the money. I have to go grocery shopping to at some point. Then my Theo mid-term on Monday (tons of essays, yuck) another Spanish test on Wednesday and my trip to Minneapolis on Friday. It should prove to be a quick week. I just need to make sure I use this weekend wisely. Sure... we'll see if that happens

on more thing...

oh yeah... I forgot to mention... when I talked to (George) last night he made a comment like "Looks like you've been working out." Could there be a better victory for me? Yeah me!

time to sleep yet?

SOOOooo, (George) called last night while I was at work. Just left a message and said that it was time to have a conversation that was overdue. I wasnt sure what that meant, but we set up a time tonight for me to stop by. After dinner with (Julie) tonight, I went over, and we ended up clearing the air. I was honest and upfront, and he kinda just wanted to go back to our mentoring relationship. I told him that while I was interested in being "friendly," my friends are people who wont betray me (2x) and arent looking for one-sided relationships. (I almost mentioned that my father and sister would disown me if I gave George another go, but figured it would be prudent not to) He had been very flattering about the positive impact I had made on his MU experience, but I made it clear that, like everything else this semester, I am dropping that committment as well. Actually, he took it quite well. He seemed to understand my point, and didnt seem too hurt. I am very proud of the whole communication.

Now we are watching late night cartoons, after about 4 hours of the OC on dvd, my birthday present to (Webster). There are a ton of similarities to my experience in Venezuela, when a family took me off the street (more or less) for a temporary stay, and then put me up permanently. Anyway, things are back to normal with (Webster), back to normal with (Julie), and at least past animosity with (George). That feels pretty good. Time for bed. Last night was an all-nighter at Michael's after I got done with work, so I am pretty damn well tired.

"If God is good, he be not God. If God is God, he be not good." J.B.

Dont worry, I am not going all atheist on you or anything. That quote is from J.B., a play I am reviewing for my critical writing class, based on the Book of Job. That is actually what I should be doing RIGHT now. The next 36 hours are probably going to be among the worst of my semester work-wise. I work 9-close tonight at the bar, and then have to wake up to take a 9:30 midterm in my stupid PR class, then hand in a critical analysis of this play, then hand in a 3page topic paper on environmental ethics, then lead a class discussion on the ethics behind pornoraphy. Yuck... I got through a lot of stuff yesterday but my computer is getting all yucky and I can't seem to get it to be nice. Actually, I just had a good idea... Perhaps a friend from the bar could spend some time with it.... Hmmm.... Anyway, I dont have time to think about it for now, it is minimally functional, and that is what I am going to have to go with for now.

The retreat this last weekend was amazing. It was SO relaxed, and pretty darn luxurious as retreats go. The food was fantastic, highlighted by Stuffed Cornish Game Hen on Saturday night. There was also a massuese (sp?) available for backrubs, which was perfect since my shoulders were all tight from lifting. But most of all it was just the opportunity to sit back and talk about "senior stuff" with people who had been through it and were going through it. There has been a lot of stuff running around in my brain that I just needed to expose for what it was--needless worrying. "Should I see it as a failure that I havent found a partner yet?" "How do I say goodbye?" "How canI stay in touch with the hundreds of friends I have who arent really good friends but are important to me nonetheless?" Plus the weekend gave me the opportunity to finish my Senior Speaker Application form. I kicked so much ass on it. It will certainly get me into the top ten.

I talked with Dad yesterday when we got back. It was a good talk, but at one point I mentioned something about a trip or something as a Graduation gift. He made it pretty clear that he had no intention of getting me ANYTHING. "We I graduated, I was taken out to dinner and given a pat on the back." Wow... But when you graduated, you were from a family of 7, all of which went to University, you always complained about that lack of attention. You also went to a state school for 5 years.

Actually, this is just me venting. I lack for nothing, and if I wanted to go on a trip or buy something, I totally could. I just get so used to hanging out with my friends from rich Chicago-suberbia, whose parents are going all out. I guess I need to get over that.

Not that I dont have a million other things going through my head, but I need to get back to the real work that is staring me down... 89 days till graduation!

The bluffs

Things have gotten busier. I hardly have time to drink anymore. God. If my father could only hear me now. He worries intensely that I will become an alcoholic like him. And while I have taken to drinking almost every night of the week, it is a social thing, I almost never over imbibe, and it is just a Senior Year thing.

With Valentine's and all, everyone seems to be talking about relationships again. Aack. I am tired of dating. Guys ask me out all the time at work and oftentimes it is not about them, it is just that I dont want to go through the hassle of thinking someone's attractive, then going out, hooking up (maybe), then being dissapointed that they either aren't as intelligent/passionate/driven etc. as I would like them to be or they dont understand what my life is always about. Part of this is that people see me as "the bartender." I am not whining or anything, because this helps me get laid a whole lot more than usual, but people do have this tendency to reduce me to just that job. I am just some cute guy behind the bar. Whatever, I can deal, but it makes me long for someone who REALLY knows me. I come back to what I've wanted for years: a friendship. It is the model of relationships that I really think is most likely to work out, it is the model that my father and mother taught me: be friends first let love come at its own pace. I thought I had that with (George) but he really had hi own issues to take care of. That was one of the reasons that I was SO hopeful for our relationship, is because it was all about friendship. I guess that the moral here is that I need to keep working on my friendships, gay and straight alike, to give this dream a chance. Am I waiting to make friends with some really hot guy in law school who will turn out to be gay? Maybe. But I guess the focus will be on making friends with whomever I can and waiting to see.

(Julie) got rejected by Marquette Law. This surprises me to no end. I wish that I could march into some of these offices and just give them an ear-full about what a wonderful candidate she would be. I know few students who work harder, with more passion. It's just that on paper, she is probably not getting any consideration at all. She wrote great essays, but I doubt they are even getting that far. Another friend rom class was telling me about all the rejections he is getting. He is one of the brightest people I know. Perhaps I aimed low, but I really have never been rejected nor expected to be. I got this teeny-tiny envelope from Villanova the other day, and got all excited: Maybe I could finally tell (Julie) that I had been rejected somewhere, so I knew how she felt! (It's twisted, I know, but I already know where I am going.) Anyway, I was dissapointed to find that it was an Open House invite for ADMITTED applicants. I didnt know I had been admitted, so I called and they told me that my letter was just being sent out... Oops.

I had an "I miss my Mommy" moment on Tuesday. I don't know what brought it on, but I think that there are a lot of emotions that I havent been dealing with later, and it is easiest to vent those while focusing on my mother. Dad had sent a broshure/newspaper from the Madeleine Thomas Memorial Ski Tour to show me the art this year, and it had been just sitting on my kitchen table. While talking to (Webster) about girls, I started to leaf through it and found a piece my father had written with my mother's photo on it. It just kind of shocked me. Perhaps it shouldn't have. But from there, I locked myself in the room and ended up Googling every piece I cold find on Mom, just talking about how cool she was. I do miss her. She had become such a good friend to me, as well as one hell of a kick-in-the-pants.

Got to go to a mindless, boring class now. I'll bring a magazine and catch up on my reading.

getting it done

There is this website that I was supposed to have done for the Bag Boyz by the end of fall semester 2003. I am still working on it. Last night i worked from 9pm till about 2:30 am on some of the more tedious elements, but I got a lot of stuff done. Good God! It is almost as if part of me didnt want to finish the project so that I wouldn't have to graduate and move on with my life.

Other than that, the Absolute Abs course kicked my ass yesterday, but I love it. I am so thrilled that Will is game to go through it with me. And I am eating healthier than ever. On a completely seperate note, I think that I am going to get slightly involved in a campus drama. ( i just can't stay away) The advisor of the Tribune was just fired, and there is a secret letter that Fr. Wild wrote him that is apparently pretty nasty. Nobody will let the students see it. Well, yesterday a faculty friend of mine told me that s/he wanted to see it in print but feared for his/her job if it were to get back to them... I think s/he was offering it to me... Anyway, I am going to check on that today. Yeah covert fun!

Awake again

Had a blast last night. Stayed out for a bit longer than planned (11:30) then went to the library where I got to feel sorry for all those who weren't enjoying life as much as I. The irony is that I feel, given that I have awoken this early, that i am going to end up perfectly prepared for my academic day. I will be ready for a nap once it is all done, but that's fairly normal...

At Caffrey's I saw Lolo, as anticipated, and gave her a box of cigarettes to pay her back for all the ones that I have bummed in the past. She seemed keen on talking about Griff... At least she reconciled with him, so I know that he is not completely alone. At one point Lolo asked me if I was sad about the whole thing. I told her that my "disappointment" was the better word. I saw great potential in my relationship with Griff. It was based on spirituality and friendship, two things I rarely find in the gay community. But in our breakup I feel more saddened for him than for myself. I know the difficulties that he has faced, and I fear that unless he gets some major adjustments in how he views the world (ie. everybody is against him, everybody is going to hurt him) he is going to be very unhappy. Me? I have been through the disappointment before. I probably will be again. I'm just glad that we left the relationship open, so when all is said and done, I didnt lose out on anything for giving this thing a go.

Last night also gave me the opportunity to connect with some old friends. Craig, Jon Mueller, Dave Lindsmith, Karen primarily. I bought a lot of people a lot of beers, and felt happy that I could do people that small favor. Having realized how much I love that moment in time, I feel like it is the least I can do.

Time to do my assignments for the day.

Unlikely beginings

So, I must confess that I feel it is pretentious for me to begin this blog. While I know many who have done similarly, I dont know what makes me think that anyone would care to read what I have written. But, perhaps for theraputic reasons, perhaps for reasons egomaniacal, I have started this blog. In other periods of my life I have had exciting things to report, travels, strategies, the exercise of learning embodied in eager study. I dont know that I have anything of that sort to transmit to anyone reading this. I discarded a lot of things last semester: religion, power, love, some aspirations, a lot of responsibility. And I am left with a rather raw version of the person I knew before. I invested in a lot of things, and have come out only with relationships tested and proven. I guess if that is the only thing I can say for myself, its that I do not lack for friends.

I am off to Monday Night Beer club. Once again shirking my academic responsibilites (more as a flexing of my new liberation from the chains of long-term worry: I have been accepted, on scholarship, and need only graduate... Although it would be nice to stay Magna Cum Laude...) So Beer Club it is. God Bless progressives! And double fisting Spotted Cow! Cheers!